Space Room and Cheese

What happened to me at the end of that? asked Pliny the Elder.

At the end of what? I asked.

At the end of your post yesterday, said Pliny. You began by speaking to me and finished up having a conversation with Li Feng, a conversation that should have formed the middle part of the story. By rights, I should have had the last word.

Why?

It would have been more satisfying.

To you maybe. What would you have said?

I would have asked, said Pliny, whether your friend understood the joke.

I knew that, I said. That is why I left you out. It would have been a flat sort of ending. And anyway, I had run out of space.

May I ask it now? asked Pliny.

No. We're going to change the subject.

Good, what it is going to be?

What would you like it to be?

Birds.

It's not going to be birds. Let us stretch ourselves. It's going to be about space.

Space? As in..... room?

No space as in Outer Space, but we have run out of room. It will have to be our subject for tomorrow.

Nonsense! There is room. Let us begin on the subject. What do you know about Space?

Well, I went to a lecture on Space last night after which there was champagne and cheese. I had two drinks and ate a lot of cheese. Now, I just need to recall what I learned.

It is unwise to eat too much cheese in the evening.

True, but I learned a lot more than that.

The Green Bean Flour Pastry Joke

Well well, said Pliny the Elder. Now we know all about lobsters.

Not all about lobsters, I said.

What don't we know? asked Pliny

We don't know why the Chinese have stopped buying our lobsters, I replied. Did you hear it on the news?

I did, said Pliny. It is a mystery. I have a theory, he added.

What is it? I asked.

They want us to eat our own lobsters, said Pliny

That would be nice, I said, speaking of which...

Yes? enquired Pliny

My Chinese friend Li Feng gave me the weirdest morning tea this morning.

Lobster? asked Pliny.

No, not lobster.

Then why did you say speaking of which?

Because she's Chinese and she wanted me to eat something .

What was it?

She said it was green bean flour pastry.

And what was it?

It was a bowl of warmed up chunks of transparent cooked flour and water, cut into strips and served with soy sauce and spring onions.

Hmm, said Pliny. Did you eat it?

Yes, I ate it and said it was nice. I asked her how she made it. Easy, she said. I wasn't surprised. Add green bean flour and water and boil it, she told me. Then, leave it on a plate to get.....

Hard, I said, chewing valiantly.

Hard, she repeated. Then you cut in pieces. Some of them I make.....

Long and thin, I said.

Long and thin, she repeated, and some of them short and.....

Wide, I said helpfully. It was going well, I risked a joke.

But they taste the same, I said.

Hope

dear ageless,

pull yourself together ageless! i amm sure you must have mmoulted many times before, if you lose your claws too bad won't you grow some mmmore?

no i would not like to be with you inside a hole of sand you would not like it nor would i and i will tell you why it is no good to be trapped and forced to dig away the sand that falls into your hole the hummans do not like it. i don't have that problemm nothing gets in here but books

they put the sand in kerosene tins and every night mmen from the village draw it up on ropes, so yes there are people there who do not have to dig out sand only ten houses and the people there are slaves, yes the man escapes he is caught and brought back then he builds a trap and calls it hope. he wants to catch a crow and tie a mmmessage to its leg.

does he catch a crow no, does he ever get away no, one day the womann is taken off to hospital they leave the rope ladder behind, the man climbs up and looks around he sees his trap is broken so he goes back down to mmend it he thinks he has plenty of time, that is the end

oh sorry ageless i forgot the cobbles never mmmind it is not too late no

then not caring he let the sand run down his throat along with the water. it was as if he were drinking cobbles

that is from chapter 18 ageless,

but i have changed one of the words

that is all ageless, now i will wait for however mmany weeks you need to stop being a rubber toy, don't worry i amm used to waiting that is what we fossils do i have a new book to read it is by w sommmmerset mmmmaughamm

all the best your friend not girlfriend

kobo clamm

Moulting

dear kobo i am sorry,,,,

i am sorry dear kobo i did not mean to be offensive we lobsters are like that,,, offensive,,, but i did not mean to be,,,,,

thank you for,,, clik clik,,, writing to me about the sand,,,,, does the man escape up the rope ladder and what happens to the sand they shovel up,,,,,where does it go?,,,,,do tell me more about the man and the woman i think of you and me being trapped together in a hole,,,i would not mind being trapped in a hole of sand with you kobo,,,,,,

but you might not like that,,,sorry,,,,,

and now clik clik i must tell you about the moulting it will not please you,,,,,kobo,,,oh,,, i will very soon be moulting,,,,,it is nearly clik clik time,,,,,

my flesh will shrink to a quarter of its size,,,oh oh,,, my shell will clik clik crack i will drag myself out,,,, if i am unlucky my claw muscles will get stuck,,,,,,and i will have to let them go,,,,,you see what this means kobo i will not be able to write to you for quite a while,,,,,,,

i'll soak up seawater to gain weight,,,,, i'll eat my shell,,,,it gives me calcium,,,,i'll be soft,,,soft,,,like a rubber toy,,,,,

well now i have told you kobo,,, i have started shrinking kobo,,,,,

tell me what happens next,,,,,,put cobbles in it,,,sorry,,,please,,,,,,

your ageless x

The Rope Ladder

ageless!

you are not mmy boyfriend ! and you will not be mmy boyfriend if you write about such things as mmmating indeed. mating. ugh. you go too far too fast mmmy ageless dear

i am a clam we do not mmate like that we do not touch one another that is why my sensibilites are offended by those things you tell me about mmating

nevertheless i am interested in mmoulting i wish i could mmoult i amm too long inside this hard and heavy shell if i could get out, if it would break open, i would be free to grow a new and pretty shell mmade of shell with little holes that let in all the light

tell me mmore about your mmmmoulting, ageless dear

and i will tell you mmore about the sand now,

....the womman's house is half buried under sand, sand falls on the roof at night the sand pours down in streams it gets into the water jug the cooking pots it sticks to the perspiring bodies of the mman and the womman, at night they dig the sand away the walls are soft like wet biscuit, in the mmorning they sleep, they place towels over their faces or the sand will get into their eyes and mmouths and noses it does anyway, the rope ladder has been taken away, the mman cannot escape, he forms a plan....

do you like it ageless ?

till next time,

kobo clamm x

Mating

dear kobo,,,,,,

thanks for starting the sand story clik,,,,,,i am hooked,,,,,what happens to the man,,,,,does he get away or do they mate or what happens is it a love story,,,,or suspense?,,,,,

even if there are no cobbles glop,,,,it doesn't matter,,,,there is all that sand,,,,,clikclik,,,,

i will start looking for the window sill i would but i don't know,,,,is it in the water?,,,,,it is hard for me to get out of the water,,,,

you ask me if i have a girlfriend i'm a lobster we don't have a girlfriend but we sometimes mate,,,,,,if we are lucky,,,gloop,,,we do not choose the girl lobster the girl lobster chooses us,,,,

she waits until she's going to moult and then ,,,,clik clik,,,oh,,,, she waits outside the door of the biggest lobster,,,,,,not me,,,,,and wafts her perfume into his den,,,, then they box playfully and then she goes inside,,,,,,,, i'll tell you,,,,

she waits for hours and sometimes even days inside his den ,,,,,clik,,,,,she can only mate when she has moulted,,,,then she moults,,,,,, her shell comes off ,,,she is all soft,,,,,clikclik,,,,,soft,,,,,,,
and then i gently ,,,,,,,oh ,,,, i'm stopping ,,,,,,,i mean he,,,,

of course,,,,,, he could decide to eat her,,,, but he usually does,,,, clikclik,,,,,the gentlemanly thing,,,,,

after the mating she stays there in his den until her shell has hardened ,,,,,,then she goes away,,,,,

clik clik,,,, she's not my girlfriend,,,,,,

it is you ,,,,,please write more sand ,,,,,,,,dear kobo,,,,,

your boyfriend,,,,,,,

ageless x

Sand

dear ageless,

how funny you are you mmmake mme laugh it is a long time since anyone did that, i'm glad you would let me go and not eat me if you caught me if i was soft but you would have to find mme first,

so find mme.

i am pretty sure now i am on a window sill, you don't know what that is and that is funny too. let me tell you what a window sill is, imagine it as a kind of shelf,

on one side of the shelf is a chasm, or abyss, you know what that is don't you, at the bottom of the abyss is a hole. on the other side of the shelf is a window pane now that is a hard thing to explain.

a window pane is like a sheet of water that is solid, you can see through it but if you get up close to it your face will flatten and you have to stop.

perhaps that will help you to locate me i believe it will i hope so.

let me tell you now about the sand, sand is made of grains of sand they average one eighth of a mmillimetre in diameter, sand is not a liquid but you can sink in it and it can cover you up, mmy book is about hummans though

it is about an entommmmologist who is on holiday, he goes to an obscure seaside village the houses there are in deep holes filling up with sand the people have to dig the sand away each night. they trick the mman into going down a hole and then they take the rope ladder away so he is forced to help the womman dig....

no mmmore for today i will tell you mmmore if you like there are no cobbles in it but if you want i can put some in

please write back and tell mmme mmore about yourself do you have a girlfriend?

your friend

kobo clamm x