Part 4 : My Life in Crime

FAILURE TO PAY.
I was six years old and in Grade 2 at Hectorville Primary. They had a system for raising money called Voluntary Contributions. Each month they sent home a little yellow card for your parents to fill in and send back with some money. You had to give it to the teacher the next morning. Something went wrong once, and I missed the moment for giving the money to the teacher. The yellow card and the ten shilling note stayed in my schoolbag. I spent the entire next month freaking out, not knowing what to do with the money. I lived in terror of discovery, unaware at six years old of the meaning of the word Voluntary. I don't remember what happened to the money. It's probably still in the bag. ( Moral: It pays to increase your vocabulary.)

INDECENT ACT.
I'm 8. I'm playing in the front garden. I want to pee. I squat down and pee in a drain next to the house. A neighbour sees me and tells my mum and dad. Dad gives me a smack on the leg. Before smacking me he says, "You're too old for smacks." ( Moral: Pee round the back.)

LYING UNDER OATH.
I was giving evidence at the Rent Tribunal in the case of my son versus his landlord who claimed my son had vacated the property without properly cleaning the bath. The landlord was claiming a ridiculous amount for having it professionally cleaned. I had cleaned the bath for my son but I hadn't had enough time to clean it properly. However I didn't think that it was all that bad. What did you use to clean the bath, Mrs Webber? asked the judge. I used Ajax and Chux Superwipes, I said brazenly, lying under oath. This was because I didn't want to admit that I had used Home Brand products. Even so, the landlord whistled through his teeth. Anyone would think his bath was made of gold. In the end the judge ruled my son and the landlord should pay half each, and congratulated all of us for being honest. ( Moral: A confident lie is advantageous in court.)

HIT AND RUN.
In the KMart carpark 10 years ago I reversed out into the path of an oncoming vehicle. I heard a metallic crunch. I thought I had reversed over the kerb or worse. I looked over my shoulder briefly, saw nothing and drove off, as I was late to pick up my daughter. There I got out of the car and looked at the back. I had obviously been in a collision. We drove back to the KMart and I presented myself at the police station on the shopping strip. Inside were 2 distaught non-English speaking ladies whose car I had dinged. I tried to explain the inexplicable to the police officer. You realise it is a crime to leave the scene of an accident? he said sternly. Oh yes I do, I said, I'm so sorry, I didn't know I'd had one and as soon as I found out I CAME BACK. I knew how lame this sounded. Nor was it exactly true. But he let me off, and filed a normal accident report.
( Moral: It is possible, but risky, to meet contradictory obligations.)