I have to go, says Ranger Rose. I've got pest and weed management duty.
Well, it was lovely to meet you, and thanks for Doctor Wallenius's phone number, says Unni.
That's okay. Let me know what he says, answers Rose.
Sure, says Unni, and if we see any Bristlebirds, we'll let you know.
Do you know what they look like, asks Rose?
No, says Unni. What do they look like?
Long tailed, about seventeen centimetres in size, and living on the ground. Grey with shades of brown, pale dappling on the underparts, says Rose.
Why do they wear underparnts? asks Mo.
They don't wear them, says Rose. It's their pattern.
Mo runs over to Sweezus.
Guess what? says Mo.
We know what she's going to say, so let's keep on listening to Ranger Rose, who knows about Bristlebirds.
They're called Bristlebirds, says Rose, because of the stiff hairlike feathers around the base of the beak. But we don't know exactly what the bristles are for.
How interesting, says Unni ( as she pictures hipster-style beak bristles). And they're endangered?
Critically, says Ranger Rose.
What's this about underpants? says Sweezus, coming over.
Under-pa-a-rnts, says Mo. With apple patterns.
You missed the best part, say Unni. They've got little moustaches.
Rose sighs. It's hard to get through to some people.
......
Katherine is almost asleep. It's so pleasant under this tree.
the birds singing and the grass crackling....
grass crackling ....no..... that is Ray's feet.
Couldn't find it, Ray's saying. Didn't want to go through your luggage. So I brought this instead.
He hands her his bible.
Good try.
You didn't really think I'd want to read this, Ray, says Katherine.
Some good things in there, says Ray. Open it....any page.
No, says Katherine. My book is about a lady trick rider. I don't want to confuse myself.
You like horses? says Ray. There's horses in there. Look at the concordance.
So Katherine is seduced into opening the bible, at the concordance.
Twee-oo-twee. A dull grey long-tailed bird with beak bristles trills melodically.
Plop. A bird poo drops down.
Katherine is now reading a thing in the bible about horses, which she has just turned to.
It goes: (The horse) cannot stand still at the sound of a trumpet
When the trumpet sounds, it says 'Aha!'
The bird poo lands just ahead of the exclamation.
Now that is just charming, says Katherine. My apologies, Ray.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Prince Harry And The Bristlebirds
Katherine and Ray are sitting under a tree eating cheese and lettuce sandwiches.
Good sandwiches, observes Ray.
Yes, I can't understand why Sweezus only ate one of them, says Katherine.
Perhaps he's a vegan, says Ray.
It's not proper cheese, says Katherine.
Isn't it? says Ray, examining his sandwich more carefully.
I wonder where they've got to? says Katherine. They've been away a long time.
Funnel webs aren't easily come by, says Ray. They generally keep to themselves
I forgot you have a spider book, says Katherine. You should be joining the search.
I'll wait till Sweezus finds one, says Ray. Then I'll help him identify it.
Unless it's one of those new ones, says Katherine. It won't be in the book.
No, says Ray. But the book will help us to rule out other possibilities. Such as, is it an Atrax, or a common Hadronyche?
Good to see you sometimes have recourse to logic, says Katherine. Where is it, your book?
In the ute, says Ray. I'll get it.
Get mine for me, will you? says Katherine. It's on top of my luggage.
Ray goes back to the ute.
Katherine leans against the tree and closes her eyes.
Sun spiders dance on her eyelids.
Crimson parrots and currawongs sing. (Squawk! Twee-oo-twee!).
.......
The others have gone back with Ranger Rose to the Visitor Centre.
Ranger Rose is a young Koori woman, a member of the Indigenous Wreck Bay Community people, who manage eighty percent of the park.
You have a cool job, says Unni.
Yeah, says Ranger Rose. I met Prince Harry.
Even cooler! says Unni. What was he like?
What-was-he-like? mimics Sweezus.
Very interested in endangered species, says Ranger Rose.
He would be, says Sweezus.
Especially the Bristlebird, adds Rose, frowning at Sweezus.
Mo runs over from where she and her sisters have been looking at a diamond python.
Ranger Rose met Prince Harry, says Unni.
Did he want to marry you? asks Mo.
No, bad luck, eh? says Ranger Rose.
But he's a PRINCE, says Mo.
They don't want to marry everyone, says Unni.
No they don't, agrees Ranger Rose. So anyway, do you guys want the number of Doctor Wallenius?
Yes, please, says Unni. We think our funnel web might be like the one that he found.
You scientists? asks Rose.
Not exactly, says Unni. But Sweezus is working for Gaius Plinius Secundus, the natural historian.
Oh wow! says Ranger Rose. I've heard of him.
I'm his go-to man, says Sweezus.
He sees Unni rolling her eyes.
Yeah well... his go-to-second man, says Sweezus.
I can well understand that, says Rose.
Good sandwiches, observes Ray.
Yes, I can't understand why Sweezus only ate one of them, says Katherine.
Perhaps he's a vegan, says Ray.
It's not proper cheese, says Katherine.
Isn't it? says Ray, examining his sandwich more carefully.
I wonder where they've got to? says Katherine. They've been away a long time.
Funnel webs aren't easily come by, says Ray. They generally keep to themselves
I forgot you have a spider book, says Katherine. You should be joining the search.
I'll wait till Sweezus finds one, says Ray. Then I'll help him identify it.
Unless it's one of those new ones, says Katherine. It won't be in the book.
No, says Ray. But the book will help us to rule out other possibilities. Such as, is it an Atrax, or a common Hadronyche?
Good to see you sometimes have recourse to logic, says Katherine. Where is it, your book?
In the ute, says Ray. I'll get it.
Get mine for me, will you? says Katherine. It's on top of my luggage.
Ray goes back to the ute.
Katherine leans against the tree and closes her eyes.
Sun spiders dance on her eyelids.
Crimson parrots and currawongs sing. (Squawk! Twee-oo-twee!).
.......
The others have gone back with Ranger Rose to the Visitor Centre.
Ranger Rose is a young Koori woman, a member of the Indigenous Wreck Bay Community people, who manage eighty percent of the park.
You have a cool job, says Unni.
Yeah, says Ranger Rose. I met Prince Harry.
Even cooler! says Unni. What was he like?
What-was-he-like? mimics Sweezus.
Very interested in endangered species, says Ranger Rose.
He would be, says Sweezus.
Especially the Bristlebird, adds Rose, frowning at Sweezus.
Mo runs over from where she and her sisters have been looking at a diamond python.
Ranger Rose met Prince Harry, says Unni.
Did he want to marry you? asks Mo.
No, bad luck, eh? says Ranger Rose.
But he's a PRINCE, says Mo.
They don't want to marry everyone, says Unni.
No they don't, agrees Ranger Rose. So anyway, do you guys want the number of Doctor Wallenius?
Yes, please, says Unni. We think our funnel web might be like the one that he found.
You scientists? asks Rose.
Not exactly, says Unni. But Sweezus is working for Gaius Plinius Secundus, the natural historian.
Oh wow! says Ranger Rose. I've heard of him.
I'm his go-to man, says Sweezus.
He sees Unni rolling her eyes.
Yeah well... his go-to-second man, says Sweezus.
I can well understand that, says Rose.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Biodiversity And Deep Spider Thinking
Don't worry, says Sweezus, remembering what Katherine told him.
What about? asks Mo.
The spider, says Sweezus. They can't jump. Just keep still, then walk backwards.
I can't keep still and walk backwards, says Mo.
Okay, just walk backwards slowly, says Sweezus.
I found it, says Mo. It's MY funnel web spider. You wait here and I'll go and find mum.
She turns and runs away quickly.
Unni comes over.
Oh wow! says Unni. A real funnel web. Now what?
Dunno, says Sweezus. Look how it's looking at me.
It's heaps angry, says Unni. Let me take a photo. Get a bit nearer.
Sweezus thinks: yeah this would make a great photo, I could show it to Gaius.
He edges nearer.
Get down level with her face, says Unni. Now smile. Not you, Spider.
The spider is not sure what is happening. She waits for a clue.
usually what happens is someone with gloves on.....
like the bad thing that happened to her sister.....
and what's this about she can't jump? she can make a silk lining.....
....and anyway zzz ( she sinks into deep spider thinking).
So the photograph turns out quite well.
Step away, please, says someone.
Unni and Sweezus turn round.
It's a Ranger, with Mo, Faith and Joybells.
You don't want to mess with those spiders, says Ranger Rose.
Just taking a photo, says Unni. Look how it turned out.
It turned out quite well, says Ranger Rose. It looks like it's smiling.
That's me, says Sweezus.
The spider, says Ranger Rose. But yeah, you're smiling too. You must be nuts. Those things are poisonous.
Nuts, says Mo. You must be nuts.
Okay, says Sweezus. We're done now. I've got a photo.
I'm Ranger Rose, says Ranger Rose ( because she has not introduced herself ). Are you interested in funnel webs? There was another guy here, a few weeks ago, Doctor Wallenius. Doing a biodiversity study.
Cool, says Sweezus. That's kind of what we're doing.
Yeah? says Ranger Rose. Well if you see any Bristlebirds or Green and Golden Bell Frogs just give us a hoy. They're endangered.
Frogs I can handle, says Sweezus. But not Bristlebirds.
You're a weird one, says Ranger Rose.
Merve and Mark stumble through the undergrowth.
Oh here you are, kids! says Mark. I hope you haven't been getting into trouble with the ranger.
Oh no, says Ranger Rose. They've been excellent junior rangers. They came to report that they found a funnel web spider.
Oh my goodness, says Merve. Well done girls! Where is it?
In there! says Mo, pointing.
Watch out! cries Joybells. It'll bite you!
They can't jump, says Mo.
Good knowledge! says Ranger Rose.
The funnel web spider backs into her silk lined tunnel slowly.
When her sister comes home she will ask her sister what is so good about jumping.
What about? asks Mo.
The spider, says Sweezus. They can't jump. Just keep still, then walk backwards.
I can't keep still and walk backwards, says Mo.
Okay, just walk backwards slowly, says Sweezus.
I found it, says Mo. It's MY funnel web spider. You wait here and I'll go and find mum.
She turns and runs away quickly.
Unni comes over.
Oh wow! says Unni. A real funnel web. Now what?
Dunno, says Sweezus. Look how it's looking at me.
It's heaps angry, says Unni. Let me take a photo. Get a bit nearer.
Sweezus thinks: yeah this would make a great photo, I could show it to Gaius.
He edges nearer.
Get down level with her face, says Unni. Now smile. Not you, Spider.
The spider is not sure what is happening. She waits for a clue.
usually what happens is someone with gloves on.....
like the bad thing that happened to her sister.....
and what's this about she can't jump? she can make a silk lining.....
....and anyway zzz ( she sinks into deep spider thinking).
So the photograph turns out quite well.
Step away, please, says someone.
Unni and Sweezus turn round.
It's a Ranger, with Mo, Faith and Joybells.
You don't want to mess with those spiders, says Ranger Rose.
Just taking a photo, says Unni. Look how it turned out.
It turned out quite well, says Ranger Rose. It looks like it's smiling.
That's me, says Sweezus.
The spider, says Ranger Rose. But yeah, you're smiling too. You must be nuts. Those things are poisonous.
Nuts, says Mo. You must be nuts.
Okay, says Sweezus. We're done now. I've got a photo.
I'm Ranger Rose, says Ranger Rose ( because she has not introduced herself ). Are you interested in funnel webs? There was another guy here, a few weeks ago, Doctor Wallenius. Doing a biodiversity study.
Cool, says Sweezus. That's kind of what we're doing.
Yeah? says Ranger Rose. Well if you see any Bristlebirds or Green and Golden Bell Frogs just give us a hoy. They're endangered.
Frogs I can handle, says Sweezus. But not Bristlebirds.
You're a weird one, says Ranger Rose.
Merve and Mark stumble through the undergrowth.
Oh here you are, kids! says Mark. I hope you haven't been getting into trouble with the ranger.
Oh no, says Ranger Rose. They've been excellent junior rangers. They came to report that they found a funnel web spider.
Oh my goodness, says Merve. Well done girls! Where is it?
In there! says Mo, pointing.
Watch out! cries Joybells. It'll bite you!
They can't jump, says Mo.
Good knowledge! says Ranger Rose.
The funnel web spider backs into her silk lined tunnel slowly.
When her sister comes home she will ask her sister what is so good about jumping.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Facing Up To A Middle Aged Spider
In Antwerp, Gaius has finished his breakfast. He calls Sweezus.
Hello, says Gaius. Is everything all right where you are?
Yes, says Sweezus. What about you? How are you going?
Not very well, says Gaius. I'm in Antwerp looking for Arthur. He's not answering his phone.
He'll have a flat battery, says Sweezus.
I thought you might be him, says Gaius.
Bad luck, says Sweezus. What did you want him for?
It's silly, says Gaius, but I wanted to tell him how I got my bicycle back. I just took it. Straight out of the kitchen, in front of their eyes. They could do nothing about it, those doctors.
Well done, says Sweezus. I guess you'd normally have got Arthur to do it.
Exactly, says Gaius. But I can't get hold of him, to tell him.
You've told me, says Sweezus.
Yes, says Gaius, but it isn't the same. He's my go-to man.
I know, says Sweezus. Why don't you call Pablo?
Good idea, says Gaius. I'll do that. Well, if that's all.......
No wait, says Sweezus. There is something. The spider.
Of course! says Gaius. The spider! Have you located one?
Thing is, says Sweezus, do you have a contact number for Doctor Wallenius? I need to confirm something.
So you have found one! cries Gaius. What does it look like?
Just normal, says Sweezus. Legs, body, sort of hairy.
Gaius is suspicious.
A new species shouldn't look normal.
He wishes he were there, in Booderee National Park with Sweezus, ensuring a proper identification.
It shouldn't look normal, says Gaius.
Yeah, not totally normal, says Sweezus. Can you give me the number?
No, says Gaius, I don't have the number. But Doctor Wallenius is a biologist at ANU. Try calling the university.
Okay, thanks , says Sweezus. And you try calling Pablo.
I will, thank you, says Gaius. Let me know how you get on.
You too, says Sweezus.
Click.
You told him you'd found one, says Unni. You don't even know where to look.
It's a funnel web spider, says Sweezus. I guess I'm looking for funnels.
I bet those kids find one before you do, says Unni. Look at Mo over there, poking in that hollow log.
Hope she knows to be careful.
Sweezus goes over to where Mo is poking about in a hollow log, not being particularly careful.
Be careful, Mo, says Sweezus. They're poisonous, remember.
Look, says Mo, turning sideways. There's one up my shorts. Oh dear fuck!
Shhhhhh! says Sweezus, looking round to see if Merve or Mark are in earshot.
It's not a real one, says Mo. But look, there's a real one in there.
She points at a torn rag of web inside the hollow log.
Sweezus bends down and looks in.
The beady eyes of a thirty year old five centimetre long female funnel web spider look out.
Hello, says Gaius. Is everything all right where you are?
Yes, says Sweezus. What about you? How are you going?
Not very well, says Gaius. I'm in Antwerp looking for Arthur. He's not answering his phone.
He'll have a flat battery, says Sweezus.
I thought you might be him, says Gaius.
Bad luck, says Sweezus. What did you want him for?
It's silly, says Gaius, but I wanted to tell him how I got my bicycle back. I just took it. Straight out of the kitchen, in front of their eyes. They could do nothing about it, those doctors.
Well done, says Sweezus. I guess you'd normally have got Arthur to do it.
Exactly, says Gaius. But I can't get hold of him, to tell him.
You've told me, says Sweezus.
Yes, says Gaius, but it isn't the same. He's my go-to man.
I know, says Sweezus. Why don't you call Pablo?
Good idea, says Gaius. I'll do that. Well, if that's all.......
No wait, says Sweezus. There is something. The spider.
Of course! says Gaius. The spider! Have you located one?
Thing is, says Sweezus, do you have a contact number for Doctor Wallenius? I need to confirm something.
So you have found one! cries Gaius. What does it look like?
Just normal, says Sweezus. Legs, body, sort of hairy.
Gaius is suspicious.
A new species shouldn't look normal.
He wishes he were there, in Booderee National Park with Sweezus, ensuring a proper identification.
It shouldn't look normal, says Gaius.
Yeah, not totally normal, says Sweezus. Can you give me the number?
No, says Gaius, I don't have the number. But Doctor Wallenius is a biologist at ANU. Try calling the university.
Okay, thanks , says Sweezus. And you try calling Pablo.
I will, thank you, says Gaius. Let me know how you get on.
You too, says Sweezus.
Click.
You told him you'd found one, says Unni. You don't even know where to look.
It's a funnel web spider, says Sweezus. I guess I'm looking for funnels.
I bet those kids find one before you do, says Unni. Look at Mo over there, poking in that hollow log.
Hope she knows to be careful.
Sweezus goes over to where Mo is poking about in a hollow log, not being particularly careful.
Be careful, Mo, says Sweezus. They're poisonous, remember.
Look, says Mo, turning sideways. There's one up my shorts. Oh dear fuck!
Shhhhhh! says Sweezus, looking round to see if Merve or Mark are in earshot.
It's not a real one, says Mo. But look, there's a real one in there.
She points at a torn rag of web inside the hollow log.
Sweezus bends down and looks in.
The beady eyes of a thirty year old five centimetre long female funnel web spider look out.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
The Blessing Of Small Oranges
The Jeep stops in Nowra. Ray is obliged to stop too.
Merve goes off to buy sandwiches, fruit and water, in case there's no shop in the Booderee National Park.
Ray still has his bag of small oranges.
We can't live the whole day on oranges, says Katherine.
What's this ? says Unni. Have we only got oranges?
Oranges, says Sweezus. I once ate three oranges, and they gave me rash on my forearms.
There you are dad, says Unni. Look what might happen.
I can eat one or two, says Sweezus. I'm just saying.
I'll go and buy something, says Katherine. Where did Merve go to get those sandwiches?
Ask her, says Ray.
Katherine goes off to ask Merve where she got the sandwiches.
Merve tells her she got them in Junction Street.
Sweezus and Unni take the opportunity to look around Nowra, and the Shoalhaven River.
(If enough time elapses, Gaius ( in Belgium) will wake up and look at his phone).
This is a cool place, says Sweezus. I wouldn't mind staying. They had the World Wakeboarding Championships here.
That was years ago, says Unni.
Yeah, but still, says Sweezus. Great place for it. Water and everything.
Funny boy, says Unni. Was that true about the rash on your forearms?
No, says Sweezus. I just wanted to cheer up your dad.
Like how would that have cheered dad up? asks Unni.
He doesn't like me, says Sweezus.
He does like you, says Unni. He just doesn't know how to show it.
And I wanted sandwiches, says Sweezus. I hope Katherine remembers I'm not vego.
They wander back to the ute, as Katherine is climbing into the cabin.
Cheese and lettuce, says Katherine. I hope that's all right with everyone.
(Fail! Cheese and lettuce)..... (and still no phone call).
Yoo-hoo! Merve waves from the Jeep. Only half an hour to the National Park. See you there! We'll go ahead and find a nice lunch spot.
Mo, Faith and Joybells can't believe it's still half an hour till lunch time.
I'm hungry NOW, says Mo. Can we just have......anything?
You can wait, says Merve. Think of the poor children who REALLY don't have anything.
Mo thinks of the children who REALLY don't have anything. She knows who they are.
........
Gaius wakes up early in Belgium. Aha! A missed call!
Perhaps it's from Arthur.
But no. It's from Sweezus. It may be the good news that he's found the new funnel web spider, and made copious notes and numerous diagrams! He decides to savour the anticipation, and eat breakfast first.
He peels two small oranges, to eat with yesterday's bread.
Merve goes off to buy sandwiches, fruit and water, in case there's no shop in the Booderee National Park.
Ray still has his bag of small oranges.
We can't live the whole day on oranges, says Katherine.
What's this ? says Unni. Have we only got oranges?
Oranges, says Sweezus. I once ate three oranges, and they gave me rash on my forearms.
There you are dad, says Unni. Look what might happen.
I can eat one or two, says Sweezus. I'm just saying.
I'll go and buy something, says Katherine. Where did Merve go to get those sandwiches?
Ask her, says Ray.
Katherine goes off to ask Merve where she got the sandwiches.
Merve tells her she got them in Junction Street.
Sweezus and Unni take the opportunity to look around Nowra, and the Shoalhaven River.
(If enough time elapses, Gaius ( in Belgium) will wake up and look at his phone).
This is a cool place, says Sweezus. I wouldn't mind staying. They had the World Wakeboarding Championships here.
That was years ago, says Unni.
Yeah, but still, says Sweezus. Great place for it. Water and everything.
Funny boy, says Unni. Was that true about the rash on your forearms?
No, says Sweezus. I just wanted to cheer up your dad.
Like how would that have cheered dad up? asks Unni.
He doesn't like me, says Sweezus.
He does like you, says Unni. He just doesn't know how to show it.
And I wanted sandwiches, says Sweezus. I hope Katherine remembers I'm not vego.
They wander back to the ute, as Katherine is climbing into the cabin.
Cheese and lettuce, says Katherine. I hope that's all right with everyone.
(Fail! Cheese and lettuce)..... (and still no phone call).
Yoo-hoo! Merve waves from the Jeep. Only half an hour to the National Park. See you there! We'll go ahead and find a nice lunch spot.
Mo, Faith and Joybells can't believe it's still half an hour till lunch time.
I'm hungry NOW, says Mo. Can we just have......anything?
You can wait, says Merve. Think of the poor children who REALLY don't have anything.
Mo thinks of the children who REALLY don't have anything. She knows who they are.
........
Gaius wakes up early in Belgium. Aha! A missed call!
Perhaps it's from Arthur.
But no. It's from Sweezus. It may be the good news that he's found the new funnel web spider, and made copious notes and numerous diagrams! He decides to savour the anticipation, and eat breakfast first.
He peels two small oranges, to eat with yesterday's bread.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Jesus's Girlfriend
Is this really a good idea, Mark? says Merve, as the Jeep drives behind the Toyota.
Yes! yes! cry the three little girls.
We've come this far, says Mark. Why not make a day of it?
But it is kind of embarrassing, says Merve. However, dear, you're the one who knows best.
Faith looks at Joybells.
Axe Twenty Nine doesn't usually work out this well.
Mo is playing with the pink and black rubber spider.
She pokes it at Faith. She makes it bite Joybells.
Mum! says Faith. She's doing it AGAIN!
Mo! says Merve. Behave or we'll turn around and go straight back home to Bowral. Then there'll be no Booderee National Park and no looking for funnel web spiders.
Mo tucks the rubber spider inside the leg of her shorts. Only three black spider legs are now visible.
That looks disgusting, says Faith.
Shut up, hisses Joybells. Jesus gave her that spider.
We don't think it was Jesus, says Merve.
It wasn't, says Faith. It was his sister.
That proves it wasn't him, girls, says Mark. Jesus doesn't have a sister.
We don't know she was his sister, says Merve. In fact, we know she wasn't. She's Ray Moon's daughter.
Point taken, says Mark. But he doesn't have a girlfriend either.
Are we arguing? says Merve. I hope were not arguing.
Of course not, says Mark.
.........
In the ute:
Happier, Ray? asks Katherine.
No, says Ray. I thought they'd changed their minds about me, but they hadn't.
Wait till they see you in action, says Katherine.
Looking for funnel web spiders? says Ray.
By their deeds shall you know them, says Katherine. Why on earth do you want to join them anyway?
They have a network, says Ray. And I miss my old congregation.
Why don't you ask Unni to help you, says Katherine. Surely they'll do what she says. Presumably they're just the usual easily-led group of naive, scared-of-death hopefuls.
Ray is astonished.
How did you know that? says Ray.
.......
In the back of the ute:
Sweezus's plait has unravelled entirely. He hopes Unni will do it again.
But Unni is talking.
What cute kids, says Unni. Sharp as tacks. Axe Twenty Nine. That was hilarious! And Mo thinking you were a pony.
I had to say that, says Sweezus. D'you reckon I got away with it?
We'll see. says Unni. If she says fuck in front of her parents, we'll know that you didn't.
Sheesh! says Sweezus. They seem pretty nice though, the parents.
Yeah, says Unni. They probably are. Anyway, it's good they're coming with us to look for funnel web spiders.
Yeah, says Sweezus. I need all the help I can get.
I know, says Unni. You've no idea what to look for, have you. What about calling up that Doctor Wallenius? Have you got a contact number?
No, I haven't, says Sweezus. Hey! Gaius might have it!
Call him, says Unni. When we get to Nowra.
.......
Nowra.
Sweezus calls Gaius.
Gaius doesn't answer, because it's still night time in Belgium.
......
Belgium:
Gaius is dreaming.
In the dream, he is escaping from the kitchen of Dr Egges and Dr Geraerts, on Schopenhauer's bicycle, which they had refused to release to him, until they had unlocked its secrets.
His phone rings.
He doesn't wake up.
Yes! yes! cry the three little girls.
We've come this far, says Mark. Why not make a day of it?
But it is kind of embarrassing, says Merve. However, dear, you're the one who knows best.
Faith looks at Joybells.
Axe Twenty Nine doesn't usually work out this well.
Mo is playing with the pink and black rubber spider.
She pokes it at Faith. She makes it bite Joybells.
Mum! says Faith. She's doing it AGAIN!
Mo! says Merve. Behave or we'll turn around and go straight back home to Bowral. Then there'll be no Booderee National Park and no looking for funnel web spiders.
Mo tucks the rubber spider inside the leg of her shorts. Only three black spider legs are now visible.
That looks disgusting, says Faith.
Shut up, hisses Joybells. Jesus gave her that spider.
We don't think it was Jesus, says Merve.
It wasn't, says Faith. It was his sister.
That proves it wasn't him, girls, says Mark. Jesus doesn't have a sister.
We don't know she was his sister, says Merve. In fact, we know she wasn't. She's Ray Moon's daughter.
Point taken, says Mark. But he doesn't have a girlfriend either.
Are we arguing? says Merve. I hope were not arguing.
Of course not, says Mark.
.........
In the ute:
Happier, Ray? asks Katherine.
No, says Ray. I thought they'd changed their minds about me, but they hadn't.
Wait till they see you in action, says Katherine.
Looking for funnel web spiders? says Ray.
By their deeds shall you know them, says Katherine. Why on earth do you want to join them anyway?
They have a network, says Ray. And I miss my old congregation.
Why don't you ask Unni to help you, says Katherine. Surely they'll do what she says. Presumably they're just the usual easily-led group of naive, scared-of-death hopefuls.
Ray is astonished.
How did you know that? says Ray.
.......
In the back of the ute:
Sweezus's plait has unravelled entirely. He hopes Unni will do it again.
But Unni is talking.
What cute kids, says Unni. Sharp as tacks. Axe Twenty Nine. That was hilarious! And Mo thinking you were a pony.
I had to say that, says Sweezus. D'you reckon I got away with it?
We'll see. says Unni. If she says fuck in front of her parents, we'll know that you didn't.
Sheesh! says Sweezus. They seem pretty nice though, the parents.
Yeah, says Unni. They probably are. Anyway, it's good they're coming with us to look for funnel web spiders.
Yeah, says Sweezus. I need all the help I can get.
I know, says Unni. You've no idea what to look for, have you. What about calling up that Doctor Wallenius? Have you got a contact number?
No, I haven't, says Sweezus. Hey! Gaius might have it!
Call him, says Unni. When we get to Nowra.
.......
Nowra.
Sweezus calls Gaius.
Gaius doesn't answer, because it's still night time in Belgium.
......
Belgium:
Gaius is dreaming.
In the dream, he is escaping from the kitchen of Dr Egges and Dr Geraerts, on Schopenhauer's bicycle, which they had refused to release to him, until they had unlocked its secrets.
His phone rings.
He doesn't wake up.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
My My No Way A Real Pony
What's Axe Twenty Nine? asks Sweezus.
Everyone knows what Axe Twenty Nine is, says Mo. It's in the bible.
No it ISN'T, says Joybells. You're too young to get it.
So is it a joke or what? says Sweezus.
As if there would be jokes in the bible, says Merve.
Black mark against Sweezus.
Axe, says Faith. Axe of the Apostles. If he doesn't know that, it's because he's a pony.
I want my My Little Pony, asks Mo. Mum, can I have it back now? Ple-e-e-ase!
No, Mo, I'm keeping your My Little Pony until bed time. Then we'll see.
Unni sees Sweezus looking puzzled. Yes, he's out of his depth now. He's probably never heard of the Acts of the Apostles. Why would he?
( But in fact, he's trying to get his head around 'my my' and 'your my' little pony. What's with the double possessives?)
The Acts of the Apostles! says Unni. I know it. But why Acts 29? Acts only has 28 chapters.
Da-dah! says Merve. And so therefore....?
Oh, I get it, says Unni. That's cool. You're the next chapter.
Planting more churches, says Merve, proudly. Mark's the head pastor in Bowral.
And he wouldn't employ my dad, says Unni. Well, I don't blame him.
Your dad's a good man, says Merve, but over this last year, he's lost his entire congregation.
I've got them, says Unni. They all followed me because..... for some reason.
No kidding, says Merve. Perhaps you would ....?
No way, says Unni. I've got my hands full.
What about him? asks Merve.
What about him? asks Unni. Oh him. He's an arachnologist, We're searching for spiders.
The children look at Sweezus with respect. Spiders!
But for Merve, this is a second black mark against Sweezus.
No way the real Jesus would focus on a particular species.
She goes round to the front of the ute to deliver her verdict.
Have you caught any spiders? asks Joybells.
Not yet, says Sweezus.
I've got this one, says Unni.
She pulls the rubber spider out of her back pack, and makes its legs jiggle.
That's not REAL, says Mo.
Nor is your My Little Pony, says Faith. But you LOVE it.
It IS real, says Mo.
Sweezus is fiddling about with his plait. It's half undone already.
Can I pat you? asks Mo.
Fuck no, says Sweezus. I mean.....no. Sorry little girl. We ponies sometimes say rude words but that doesn't mean you should say them.
I know, says Mo. My My Little Pony calls my sister a Pig's Bottom.
My-my? says Sweezus.
Uni shoots him a look.
That's rude too, says Sweezus. Pig's bottom.
No one says anything. From the front of the ute comes the sound of Katherine laughing.
Mo, Faith and Joybells gaze up at the man who has said a rude word and blamed it on being a pony.
Mum said he might turn out to be special.
Everyone knows what Axe Twenty Nine is, says Mo. It's in the bible.
No it ISN'T, says Joybells. You're too young to get it.
So is it a joke or what? says Sweezus.
As if there would be jokes in the bible, says Merve.
Black mark against Sweezus.
Axe, says Faith. Axe of the Apostles. If he doesn't know that, it's because he's a pony.
I want my My Little Pony, asks Mo. Mum, can I have it back now? Ple-e-e-ase!
No, Mo, I'm keeping your My Little Pony until bed time. Then we'll see.
Unni sees Sweezus looking puzzled. Yes, he's out of his depth now. He's probably never heard of the Acts of the Apostles. Why would he?
( But in fact, he's trying to get his head around 'my my' and 'your my' little pony. What's with the double possessives?)
The Acts of the Apostles! says Unni. I know it. But why Acts 29? Acts only has 28 chapters.
Da-dah! says Merve. And so therefore....?
Oh, I get it, says Unni. That's cool. You're the next chapter.
Planting more churches, says Merve, proudly. Mark's the head pastor in Bowral.
And he wouldn't employ my dad, says Unni. Well, I don't blame him.
Your dad's a good man, says Merve, but over this last year, he's lost his entire congregation.
I've got them, says Unni. They all followed me because..... for some reason.
No kidding, says Merve. Perhaps you would ....?
No way, says Unni. I've got my hands full.
What about him? asks Merve.
What about him? asks Unni. Oh him. He's an arachnologist, We're searching for spiders.
The children look at Sweezus with respect. Spiders!
But for Merve, this is a second black mark against Sweezus.
No way the real Jesus would focus on a particular species.
She goes round to the front of the ute to deliver her verdict.
Have you caught any spiders? asks Joybells.
Not yet, says Sweezus.
I've got this one, says Unni.
She pulls the rubber spider out of her back pack, and makes its legs jiggle.
That's not REAL, says Mo.
Nor is your My Little Pony, says Faith. But you LOVE it.
It IS real, says Mo.
Sweezus is fiddling about with his plait. It's half undone already.
Can I pat you? asks Mo.
Fuck no, says Sweezus. I mean.....no. Sorry little girl. We ponies sometimes say rude words but that doesn't mean you should say them.
I know, says Mo. My My Little Pony calls my sister a Pig's Bottom.
My-my? says Sweezus.
Uni shoots him a look.
That's rude too, says Sweezus. Pig's bottom.
No one says anything. From the front of the ute comes the sound of Katherine laughing.
Mo, Faith and Joybells gaze up at the man who has said a rude word and blamed it on being a pony.
Mum said he might turn out to be special.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Mad Question From Axe Twenty Nine
It's one hour and three minutes from Bowral to Nowra.
And remember, the Jeep made a ten minute stop.
But the Jeep catches up to the ute, well before Nowra.
Look, says Unni. There's that Jeep again. It's going to pass us.
Sweezus sits up. Bugger the Jeep! Unni had been plaiting his hair. It felt nice and tickly.
He touches the back of it, and pulls out a long piece of straw.
The Jeep is directly behind the Toyota. The dad flashes his lights.
Ray pulls up slowly. The Jeep passes and pulls up in front. The dad gets out first.
Ray sticks his head out of the window.
Reconsidered, have you? says Ray.
No, says Pastor Mark Glenn. It's not that.
What then? says Ray. Did I leave something behind?
No, it's about who you claim to have with you, says Mark. I didn't believe you, but my wife says it's worth checking up on. And I agree with her. Women have god-given gifts. One is intuition.
His wife has got out of the Jeep. She comes up to the window.
You must think we're crazy, she says. But, we try to pay attention to all god's subtle signals. I'm Merve, by the way. Short for Merveille.
Damn, says Ray. It wasn't.... I was just....
May we just speak with him? asks Merve. I'll know at once, one way or the other.
She will, says Mark. One way or the other.
Sweeus and Unni have stayed in the back of the ute. Merve goes around.
Hi, says Unni. What's up?
Merve is about to ask the defining question when her three children tumble from the front door of the Jeep, one after another.
Damn! The child's safety locks aren't working, cries Merve. Get back in kids! No wait, come over here.
Joybells, Faith and Mo shuffle over. They stand in a row looking up at Sweezus, who has several straws sticking out from his newly plaited hair.
Hello kids, says Unni. Are you on holidays?
Is he a GIRL? asks Faith, staring at Sweezus.
No, says Mo. He's a PONY. Look at his hair.
Joybells looks at her mother, who is gazing directly at Sweezus.
Do you..... like children? asks Merve, lamely.
What a mad question. Sweezus could hardly say that he doesn't.
Yeah, says Sweezus. Do you like them?
Course she does, says Joybells. She has to.
Sweezus likes this answer, which does not come from the mother.
Why does she have to? asks Sweezus.
Because of Axe Twenty Nine, says Joybells.
Merve beams at her eldest daughter.
Merve suffers slightly from deafness, in her left ear, and thinks that her daughter has answered correctly.
And remember, the Jeep made a ten minute stop.
But the Jeep catches up to the ute, well before Nowra.
Look, says Unni. There's that Jeep again. It's going to pass us.
Sweezus sits up. Bugger the Jeep! Unni had been plaiting his hair. It felt nice and tickly.
He touches the back of it, and pulls out a long piece of straw.
The Jeep is directly behind the Toyota. The dad flashes his lights.
Ray pulls up slowly. The Jeep passes and pulls up in front. The dad gets out first.
Ray sticks his head out of the window.
Reconsidered, have you? says Ray.
No, says Pastor Mark Glenn. It's not that.
What then? says Ray. Did I leave something behind?
No, it's about who you claim to have with you, says Mark. I didn't believe you, but my wife says it's worth checking up on. And I agree with her. Women have god-given gifts. One is intuition.
His wife has got out of the Jeep. She comes up to the window.
You must think we're crazy, she says. But, we try to pay attention to all god's subtle signals. I'm Merve, by the way. Short for Merveille.
Damn, says Ray. It wasn't.... I was just....
May we just speak with him? asks Merve. I'll know at once, one way or the other.
She will, says Mark. One way or the other.
Sweeus and Unni have stayed in the back of the ute. Merve goes around.
Hi, says Unni. What's up?
Merve is about to ask the defining question when her three children tumble from the front door of the Jeep, one after another.
Damn! The child's safety locks aren't working, cries Merve. Get back in kids! No wait, come over here.
Joybells, Faith and Mo shuffle over. They stand in a row looking up at Sweezus, who has several straws sticking out from his newly plaited hair.
Hello kids, says Unni. Are you on holidays?
Is he a GIRL? asks Faith, staring at Sweezus.
No, says Mo. He's a PONY. Look at his hair.
Joybells looks at her mother, who is gazing directly at Sweezus.
Do you..... like children? asks Merve, lamely.
What a mad question. Sweezus could hardly say that he doesn't.
Yeah, says Sweezus. Do you like them?
Course she does, says Joybells. She has to.
Sweezus likes this answer, which does not come from the mother.
Why does she have to? asks Sweezus.
Because of Axe Twenty Nine, says Joybells.
Merve beams at her eldest daughter.
Merve suffers slightly from deafness, in her left ear, and thinks that her daughter has answered correctly.
Faith, Mo and Joybells
Now everyone's back in the ute.
Ray roars out of Bowral. Katherine is sitting beside him, just like before.
Who was that man you were talking to outside the café? asks Katherine.
No one, says Ray.
If you're going to be taciturn, says Katherine, let's at least have some music.
She twiddles a knob. Music pours into the cabin.
He reigns! He reigns! Hallelujah!
Ray! says Katherine. What is this, the Worship channel?
It's a CD, says Ray. Turn it off.
Gladly, says Katherine. Want to talk now?
Everything's gone wrong, says Ray. That's all I'm saying.
Buck up then, says Katherine. We're on a spider hunt. Don't spoil it.
........
Sweezus and Unni are in the back of the ute, sitting up now.
Katherine tells me you've still got Terence, says Unni. How is he?
Good, says Sweezus. He's in Geneva with David and Vello. Got drowned and kidnapped, he reckoned.
Wouldn't it be the other way round? asks Unni. Kidnapped first, then drowned. How could you kidnap....
I left out rescued, says Sweezus.
Crucial point, says Unni. Hey! See that Jeep back there? I think it's following us.
Woah! says Sweezus. Yeah it is. And isn't that the guy with the beard who was talking to Ray back in Bowral?
It IS! says Unni. And he's getting closer. Look his whole family's inside!
The Jeep with the whole family inside draws even closer. The mum is leaning out of the window, taking photos. The children appear to be squabbling. A toy is thrown out of a window. The Jeep squeals to a halt.
Ray keeps going.
.......
Inside the Jeep, it's pandemonium in the back seat.
SHE did it! No I didn't. Yes you did! Well, she DESERVED it!
The dark bearded dad climbs out and starts combing the bushes.
Mum says: Now then, Mo, Dad will find it, but, if he doesn't what will you say?
Pig's bottom! says Mo.
Would Jesus say that? asks mum severely.
He would if his SISTER .....
Jesus doesn't have a sister, says mum. But if he did.....oh look, dad's found it!
Don't give it back to her, says Pig's Bottom, aka Faith, the middle sister.
No don't, says Joybells, the eldest. She was being SO-O-O annoying.
Here we are, says dad. I'll give it to mum for safe keeping.
Thank you, Mark, says mum. Now I think we should all say a thank you prayer to Jesus.
Thank you Jesus for making Pig's Bottom throw My Little Pony out of the window, says Mo.
Jesus didn't do that part, says mum.
Yes he did, says Faith-Pig's Bottom, sensing a let out. Jesus told me to do it.
We'll soon find out the truth of the matter, says dad. Seat belts, everyone!
He zooms off down the road in pursuit of Ray's ute.
If Jeeps are faster than Toyota utes, he'll be catching up shortly.
Ray roars out of Bowral. Katherine is sitting beside him, just like before.
Who was that man you were talking to outside the café? asks Katherine.
No one, says Ray.
If you're going to be taciturn, says Katherine, let's at least have some music.
She twiddles a knob. Music pours into the cabin.
He reigns! He reigns! Hallelujah!
Ray! says Katherine. What is this, the Worship channel?
It's a CD, says Ray. Turn it off.
Gladly, says Katherine. Want to talk now?
Everything's gone wrong, says Ray. That's all I'm saying.
Buck up then, says Katherine. We're on a spider hunt. Don't spoil it.
........
Sweezus and Unni are in the back of the ute, sitting up now.
Katherine tells me you've still got Terence, says Unni. How is he?
Good, says Sweezus. He's in Geneva with David and Vello. Got drowned and kidnapped, he reckoned.
Wouldn't it be the other way round? asks Unni. Kidnapped first, then drowned. How could you kidnap....
I left out rescued, says Sweezus.
Crucial point, says Unni. Hey! See that Jeep back there? I think it's following us.
Woah! says Sweezus. Yeah it is. And isn't that the guy with the beard who was talking to Ray back in Bowral?
It IS! says Unni. And he's getting closer. Look his whole family's inside!
The Jeep with the whole family inside draws even closer. The mum is leaning out of the window, taking photos. The children appear to be squabbling. A toy is thrown out of a window. The Jeep squeals to a halt.
Ray keeps going.
.......
Inside the Jeep, it's pandemonium in the back seat.
SHE did it! No I didn't. Yes you did! Well, she DESERVED it!
The dark bearded dad climbs out and starts combing the bushes.
Mum says: Now then, Mo, Dad will find it, but, if he doesn't what will you say?
Pig's bottom! says Mo.
Would Jesus say that? asks mum severely.
He would if his SISTER .....
Jesus doesn't have a sister, says mum. But if he did.....oh look, dad's found it!
Don't give it back to her, says Pig's Bottom, aka Faith, the middle sister.
No don't, says Joybells, the eldest. She was being SO-O-O annoying.
Here we are, says dad. I'll give it to mum for safe keeping.
Thank you, Mark, says mum. Now I think we should all say a thank you prayer to Jesus.
Thank you Jesus for making Pig's Bottom throw My Little Pony out of the window, says Mo.
Jesus didn't do that part, says mum.
Yes he did, says Faith-Pig's Bottom, sensing a let out. Jesus told me to do it.
We'll soon find out the truth of the matter, says dad. Seat belts, everyone!
He zooms off down the road in pursuit of Ray's ute.
If Jeeps are faster than Toyota utes, he'll be catching up shortly.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Cross Purposes On Bong Bong
One hour and twenty four minutes later, Ray's ute pulls up in Bowral.
Look, Ray! says Katherine. What glorious tulips. I'm so glad you stopped.
That's not why I stopped, says Ray.
Ah, of course, says Katherine. Off you go, then.
Ray stomps off. Why does Katherine always make him feel like a schoolboy?
Unni and Sweezus jump down from the back.
How lovely! says Unni. Tulip Time in Bowral. Where did dad go?
Toilet, says Katherine. Let's find a café, have a little something, and then take a look at the tulips.
I know a great one, says Unni. On Bong Bong Street, round the corner.
Round the corner, there is the café that Unni remembers: Raw and Wild Market and Café.
Everything's organic, says Unni.
Cool, says Sweezus. Artisanal teas and coffees. Home made carrot and aniseed slices. Chocolate beetroot cake.....
Shall we order Wild High Tea? says Katherine. I'll get it.
She orders Wild High Tea for three people.
It comes on a three tier cake stand. Cakes, scones, fresh fruit, tea in pretty tea cups.
They pick at the various offerings, while watching the window, for Ray.
Then Ray passes by, deep in conversation with a serious dark bearded man.
........
At last, Ray enters the café. He sits down at the table and picks at the crumbs of high tea,
Want an artisanal water, dad? asks Unni.
No, thanks, says Ray.
What's up? says Unni. You look dejected.
Nothing, says Ray. Come on, time to get going.
Not yet, says Katherine. We want to look at the tulips.
Not me, says Sweezus. I'll wait here with Ray.
......
What a gorgeous display of tulips. This year's themes are Hot Pink, and Mother Nature.
Pity we won't be here on Sunday for the Dog's Day Out, says Katherine, observing a poster.
Oh yes, you like dogs, says Unni. I remember you had one.....
Porky died, says Katherine. Run over. Sweezus had a dog for a time, remember Farky?
Yes, says Unni. I remember Farky.
Of course, now he has Terence, says Katherine.
He never told me, says Unni.
.......
Sweezus and Ray are sitting in the ute, waiting for Unni and Katherine.
Ray sighs, now and then.
Sweezus thinks he knows the reason.
That was shit, Ray, says Sweezus. You missing out.
Too right, says Ray. Hey! How'd you know?
I was there, says Sweezus. Everything's organic.
Exactly, says Ray. But I was rejected.
You weren't rejected. You just took too long, says Sweezus.
That's one way of putting it, says Ray, looking even more gloomy.
......
Just so you know, Ray and Sweezus have been talking at cross purposes.
(It's hard to pull off. You should try it sometime).
Look, Ray! says Katherine. What glorious tulips. I'm so glad you stopped.
That's not why I stopped, says Ray.
Ah, of course, says Katherine. Off you go, then.
Ray stomps off. Why does Katherine always make him feel like a schoolboy?
Unni and Sweezus jump down from the back.
How lovely! says Unni. Tulip Time in Bowral. Where did dad go?
Toilet, says Katherine. Let's find a café, have a little something, and then take a look at the tulips.
I know a great one, says Unni. On Bong Bong Street, round the corner.
Round the corner, there is the café that Unni remembers: Raw and Wild Market and Café.
Everything's organic, says Unni.
Cool, says Sweezus. Artisanal teas and coffees. Home made carrot and aniseed slices. Chocolate beetroot cake.....
Shall we order Wild High Tea? says Katherine. I'll get it.
She orders Wild High Tea for three people.
It comes on a three tier cake stand. Cakes, scones, fresh fruit, tea in pretty tea cups.
They pick at the various offerings, while watching the window, for Ray.
Then Ray passes by, deep in conversation with a serious dark bearded man.
........
At last, Ray enters the café. He sits down at the table and picks at the crumbs of high tea,
Want an artisanal water, dad? asks Unni.
No, thanks, says Ray.
What's up? says Unni. You look dejected.
Nothing, says Ray. Come on, time to get going.
Not yet, says Katherine. We want to look at the tulips.
Not me, says Sweezus. I'll wait here with Ray.
......
What a gorgeous display of tulips. This year's themes are Hot Pink, and Mother Nature.
Pity we won't be here on Sunday for the Dog's Day Out, says Katherine, observing a poster.
Oh yes, you like dogs, says Unni. I remember you had one.....
Porky died, says Katherine. Run over. Sweezus had a dog for a time, remember Farky?
Yes, says Unni. I remember Farky.
Of course, now he has Terence, says Katherine.
He never told me, says Unni.
.......
Sweezus and Ray are sitting in the ute, waiting for Unni and Katherine.
Ray sighs, now and then.
Sweezus thinks he knows the reason.
That was shit, Ray, says Sweezus. You missing out.
Too right, says Ray. Hey! How'd you know?
I was there, says Sweezus. Everything's organic.
Exactly, says Ray. But I was rejected.
You weren't rejected. You just took too long, says Sweezus.
That's one way of putting it, says Ray, looking even more gloomy.
......
Just so you know, Ray and Sweezus have been talking at cross purposes.
(It's hard to pull off. You should try it sometime).
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Go There And Start Poking
It seems Unni recognises the rubber spider.
Better answer circumspectly.
Yeah, sort of, says Sweezus.
It's one of my rubber spiders, says Unni. I used to collect them. This one was my favourite.
Sweezus thinks: What a shit Ray is. Giving Fish Unni's favourite.
How sweet, says Unni. A peace offering, from dad.
She goes out to the ute, where Ray has just swallowed the end of his giant banana.
Come in, dad, says Unni. At least have a glass of water.
Ray glares at his undutiful daughter.
He doesn't want to come in, but he would like a glass of water.
........
Isn't this nice, says Katherine.
Wonderful, says Ray.
They are alone in the front of Ray's ute, heading to Bowral.
Ray turns his head, in an attempt to see through the rear window.
All this room, says Katherine. So good of Unni and Sweezus to ride in the tray.
Can't see 'em, mutters Ray.
You don't suppose they fell out? says Katherine.
Course not, says Ray. Suspension would feel completely different.
How clever, says Katherine. But I wasn't serious. I imagine they're both lying down.
Ray looks thunderous, and deliberately heads for a pothole.
Ka-thunk.
Unni is heard saying Ouw!
.......
In the back of the ute, Unni and Sweezus are lying side by side looking upwards, their heads resting on straw.
If anyone told me this morning I'd be doing this....... says Unni.
What? says Sweezus.
This, says Unni. Going somewhere with dad. I feel kind of..... sentimental.
Yeah, says Sweezus. I feel kind of.....guilty.
Guilty, what for? asks Unni.
(Stop Sweezus! Don't tell her the True Story Of How She Got Back Her Favourite Rubber Spider!)
Sweezus stops. Weirdissimo! It's as though a voice in his head has told him not to be truthful. But there are other ways to be truthful.
Guilty for bringing all you guys along on my mission, says Sweezus.
But it's brilliant, says Unni. A new species of funnel web spider. You might get naming rights.
Actually, says Sweezus, Gaius just wants me to document it. It's already been found.
Oh, says Unni, Who by?
Doctor Wallenius, says Sweezus.
How long ago? asks Unni.
Weeks ago, says Sweezus.
And where is this Doctor Wallenius now? asks Unni.
Dunno, says Sweezus.
But he'll have the new spider with him, says Unni. He'll be back at his lab, supervising genetic and morphological analyses. What's your plan, then?
Plan? says Sweezus. Just go to Booderee National Park and start poking.
For heaven's sake! says Unni. What have I let myself in for?
Better answer circumspectly.
Yeah, sort of, says Sweezus.
It's one of my rubber spiders, says Unni. I used to collect them. This one was my favourite.
Sweezus thinks: What a shit Ray is. Giving Fish Unni's favourite.
How sweet, says Unni. A peace offering, from dad.
She goes out to the ute, where Ray has just swallowed the end of his giant banana.
Come in, dad, says Unni. At least have a glass of water.
Ray glares at his undutiful daughter.
He doesn't want to come in, but he would like a glass of water.
........
Isn't this nice, says Katherine.
Wonderful, says Ray.
They are alone in the front of Ray's ute, heading to Bowral.
Ray turns his head, in an attempt to see through the rear window.
All this room, says Katherine. So good of Unni and Sweezus to ride in the tray.
Can't see 'em, mutters Ray.
You don't suppose they fell out? says Katherine.
Course not, says Ray. Suspension would feel completely different.
How clever, says Katherine. But I wasn't serious. I imagine they're both lying down.
Ray looks thunderous, and deliberately heads for a pothole.
Ka-thunk.
Unni is heard saying Ouw!
.......
In the back of the ute, Unni and Sweezus are lying side by side looking upwards, their heads resting on straw.
If anyone told me this morning I'd be doing this....... says Unni.
What? says Sweezus.
This, says Unni. Going somewhere with dad. I feel kind of..... sentimental.
Yeah, says Sweezus. I feel kind of.....guilty.
Guilty, what for? asks Unni.
(Stop Sweezus! Don't tell her the True Story Of How She Got Back Her Favourite Rubber Spider!)
Sweezus stops. Weirdissimo! It's as though a voice in his head has told him not to be truthful. But there are other ways to be truthful.
Guilty for bringing all you guys along on my mission, says Sweezus.
But it's brilliant, says Unni. A new species of funnel web spider. You might get naming rights.
Actually, says Sweezus, Gaius just wants me to document it. It's already been found.
Oh, says Unni, Who by?
Doctor Wallenius, says Sweezus.
How long ago? asks Unni.
Weeks ago, says Sweezus.
And where is this Doctor Wallenius now? asks Unni.
Dunno, says Sweezus.
But he'll have the new spider with him, says Unni. He'll be back at his lab, supervising genetic and morphological analyses. What's your plan, then?
Plan? says Sweezus. Just go to Booderee National Park and start poking.
For heaven's sake! says Unni. What have I let myself in for?
Saturday, September 19, 2015
3D Printing And Ethical Ownership
Next morning early. Ray packs the ute.
Thermos, spider book, underpants, bible.
A bag of small oranges. A big banana.
He reverses out of the driveway and off down the road.
Sweezus and Katherine are waiting on the footpath, under a tree from which still hangs a minion balloon.
Katherine climbs into the ute. Sweezus throws her luggage into the back and gets in beside her.
Ray heads down the road towards Penrith.
You travel light, remarks Ray.
I pride myself on it, says Katherine.
Not you Katherine, says Ray.
Me? says Sweezus. My stuff's in my pockets.
He feels in his pockets.
Phone, wallet, pen, notebook........rubber spider!
Can we turn back? says Sweezus.
No way, says Ray.
Silence.
Where am I dropping you, Katherine? asks Ray as they roll into Penrith.
This'll do. Just let me off here, Ray, says Katherine. I'll walk the rest.
No no, says Ray. I'll drive you. What's the address?
Unni's says Sweezus.
I might have known, says Ray, heading for Floribunda Drive.
Unni is out in the garden, picking shrivelled camellias.
Too late she sees Ray, pulling up in the driveway.
But Ray stays in the ute, only Katherine and Sweezus get out.
Katherine! cries Unni. It's been such a long time! Hi Sweezie! Come in guys!
They go in, while Ray slowly peels his banana.
Hey Unni, how's things? asks Sweezus. What've you been up to?
This and that, says Unni. Cycling. Coaching. Got a new 3D printer. I make things.
Wicked, says Sweezus. Like what?
You name it, says Unni. But this is something I made for you, Katherine.
She gives Katherine a red shoe box, tied with natural string.
Is this it? asks Katherine. Or do I open it?
Open it, says Unni. The present's inside.
The red box is heavy. Katherine undoes the string. Takes the lid off.
Unni dear, how adorable, says Katherine. It has her exact features! Aren't you clever!
Whose features? asks Sweezus. Can I see?
Olive Python, says Katherine fondly, thrusting the box towards Sweezus.
Sweezus peers into the box and is struck by the likeness. It's Olive Python, to the life, except for the fact that she's plastic.
Unni is glowing. Her hairstyle is new. Short, dark and spiky, with gold tips. She looks kind of awesome.
Sweezus has not felt so happy in ages.
He wants to give Unni something. What's he got, though?
Nothing, except...... the rubber spider. He does a quick ethical calculation.
Never mind the steps. The result is: it's his, really.
He takes the pink and black rubber spider out of his pocket and presents it to Unni.
She looks at it, suspicious.
Dad give this to you? says Unni.
Thermos, spider book, underpants, bible.
A bag of small oranges. A big banana.
He reverses out of the driveway and off down the road.
Sweezus and Katherine are waiting on the footpath, under a tree from which still hangs a minion balloon.
Katherine climbs into the ute. Sweezus throws her luggage into the back and gets in beside her.
Ray heads down the road towards Penrith.
You travel light, remarks Ray.
I pride myself on it, says Katherine.
Not you Katherine, says Ray.
Me? says Sweezus. My stuff's in my pockets.
He feels in his pockets.
Phone, wallet, pen, notebook........rubber spider!
Can we turn back? says Sweezus.
No way, says Ray.
Silence.
Where am I dropping you, Katherine? asks Ray as they roll into Penrith.
This'll do. Just let me off here, Ray, says Katherine. I'll walk the rest.
No no, says Ray. I'll drive you. What's the address?
Unni's says Sweezus.
I might have known, says Ray, heading for Floribunda Drive.
Unni is out in the garden, picking shrivelled camellias.
Too late she sees Ray, pulling up in the driveway.
But Ray stays in the ute, only Katherine and Sweezus get out.
Katherine! cries Unni. It's been such a long time! Hi Sweezie! Come in guys!
They go in, while Ray slowly peels his banana.
Hey Unni, how's things? asks Sweezus. What've you been up to?
This and that, says Unni. Cycling. Coaching. Got a new 3D printer. I make things.
Wicked, says Sweezus. Like what?
You name it, says Unni. But this is something I made for you, Katherine.
She gives Katherine a red shoe box, tied with natural string.
Is this it? asks Katherine. Or do I open it?
Open it, says Unni. The present's inside.
The red box is heavy. Katherine undoes the string. Takes the lid off.
Unni dear, how adorable, says Katherine. It has her exact features! Aren't you clever!
Whose features? asks Sweezus. Can I see?
Olive Python, says Katherine fondly, thrusting the box towards Sweezus.
Sweezus peers into the box and is struck by the likeness. It's Olive Python, to the life, except for the fact that she's plastic.
Unni is glowing. Her hairstyle is new. Short, dark and spiky, with gold tips. She looks kind of awesome.
Sweezus has not felt so happy in ages.
He wants to give Unni something. What's he got, though?
Nothing, except...... the rubber spider. He does a quick ethical calculation.
Never mind the steps. The result is: it's his, really.
He takes the pink and black rubber spider out of his pocket and presents it to Unni.
She looks at it, suspicious.
Dad give this to you? says Unni.
Friday, September 18, 2015
Suck On His Spur
So, tomorrow? says Ray.
I reckon, says Sweezus.
But what time? asks Ray.
Depends, says Sweezus.
What on? asks Ray. You're not catching the train?
Why not? says Sweezus.
Train takes all day, says Ray. One hour to get back to Sydney Central. Then six hours on the South Coast Line to Jervis Bay. No, six hours and a quarter.
Yeah, says Sweezus ( as if he too has looked at the timetable). So you won't want to come then.
Not on the train, says Ray. We're driving. You can pay half the petrol. It's 220 kilometres from Penrith. In my Toyota, it's three hours, tops.
Thud! Rattle. The family has arrived back from Leura.
Hello Katherine, says Ray. I was just leaving. How was Leura?
Beautiful, says Katherine. And steep. Not for the faint hearted.
Jelly knees? smirks Ray.
Mind your own business, says Katherine, picking a blueberry from a plate on the kitchen table.
Sweezus and I are off tomorrow, says Ray. Off in search of a new type of funnel web spider.
I hope you find one, says Katherine.
Is that okay, Katherine? asks Sweezus. You'll have to fly home on your own.
I may stay a little longer, says Katherine. I should like to catch up with ..... someone in Penrith. Could I get a lift with you, Ray?
Not a lot of room in the ute, Katherine, says Ray.
I'm sure you can fit me in, Ray, says Katherine. And my luggage. See you tomorrow then?
Ray grits his pastoral teeth.
Oh well. It's not far to Penrith.
.............
Next morning. Daddy goes off to work. Mummy is taking the children to school.
Bye bye, Fish, Bye bye, Butterfly, see you straight after Christmas, says Katherine.
Bye grandma, say Butterfly and Fish.
That was short, says Katherine, but delightful. A lovely birthday weekend. Fish liked his Fart Gun. What did you give him, again?
One of Ray's presents, says Sweezus.
Which one? asks Katherine.
Actually they were both from me, says Sweezus. Sort of.
That wasn't made clear, says Katherine.
No, says Sweezus. And I regret it.
He picks up the spider pen and the spider eraser, which are lying on a shelf in the kitchen. The eraser is awesome. Pink body, black legs. He wonders why Ray chose a pink one.
When is Ray coming? asks Katherine.
Dunno, says Sweezus. Soon. Who're you visiting in Penrith?
Unni, says Katherine. She has something for me.
Cool, says Sweezus. I'll drop in as well.
You'll be lucky, says Katherine. She and Ray haven't been talking. Ray won't want to linger.
Ray can suck on his ....spur! says Sweezus.
His spur! Where did that come from?
I reckon, says Sweezus.
But what time? asks Ray.
Depends, says Sweezus.
What on? asks Ray. You're not catching the train?
Why not? says Sweezus.
Train takes all day, says Ray. One hour to get back to Sydney Central. Then six hours on the South Coast Line to Jervis Bay. No, six hours and a quarter.
Yeah, says Sweezus ( as if he too has looked at the timetable). So you won't want to come then.
Not on the train, says Ray. We're driving. You can pay half the petrol. It's 220 kilometres from Penrith. In my Toyota, it's three hours, tops.
Thud! Rattle. The family has arrived back from Leura.
Hello Katherine, says Ray. I was just leaving. How was Leura?
Beautiful, says Katherine. And steep. Not for the faint hearted.
Jelly knees? smirks Ray.
Mind your own business, says Katherine, picking a blueberry from a plate on the kitchen table.
Sweezus and I are off tomorrow, says Ray. Off in search of a new type of funnel web spider.
I hope you find one, says Katherine.
Is that okay, Katherine? asks Sweezus. You'll have to fly home on your own.
I may stay a little longer, says Katherine. I should like to catch up with ..... someone in Penrith. Could I get a lift with you, Ray?
Not a lot of room in the ute, Katherine, says Ray.
I'm sure you can fit me in, Ray, says Katherine. And my luggage. See you tomorrow then?
Ray grits his pastoral teeth.
Oh well. It's not far to Penrith.
.............
Next morning. Daddy goes off to work. Mummy is taking the children to school.
Bye bye, Fish, Bye bye, Butterfly, see you straight after Christmas, says Katherine.
Bye grandma, say Butterfly and Fish.
That was short, says Katherine, but delightful. A lovely birthday weekend. Fish liked his Fart Gun. What did you give him, again?
One of Ray's presents, says Sweezus.
Which one? asks Katherine.
Actually they were both from me, says Sweezus. Sort of.
That wasn't made clear, says Katherine.
No, says Sweezus. And I regret it.
He picks up the spider pen and the spider eraser, which are lying on a shelf in the kitchen. The eraser is awesome. Pink body, black legs. He wonders why Ray chose a pink one.
When is Ray coming? asks Katherine.
Dunno, says Sweezus. Soon. Who're you visiting in Penrith?
Unni, says Katherine. She has something for me.
Cool, says Sweezus. I'll drop in as well.
You'll be lucky, says Katherine. She and Ray haven't been talking. Ray won't want to linger.
Ray can suck on his ....spur! says Sweezus.
His spur! Where did that come from?
The View From The Bottom
Next morning, it's the Redbacks Soccer Club presentation. Under sevens.
Fish gets a trophy, along with the rest of the team.
Katherine sits next to Butterfly, dutifully clapping.
Some teams are mixed, (but not very).
A team is called up with five boys and only one girl in.
I know EXACTLY how that girl feels, says Butterfly.
......
After lunch at Sushi Train in Penrith, Daddy, Mummy, Butterfly, Fish and Katherine drive to Leura, to view the waterfall from the bottom.
Sweezus stays home, waiting for Ray.
Ding dong! Here is Ray now, with his spider book.
Come through, says Sweezus. We'll sit outside.
They sit out the back, on the balcony overlooking the garden. The trees flicker and rustle, due to landings of colourful parrots.
The two arachnologists ignore the colourful parrots, and bury their heads in the spider book.
See, says Ray. Funnel webs can be this size. Or this size. One to five centimetres. Or in between.
I get it, says Sweezus. It's not like I know nothing. I boned up at home.
They have a hairless carapace, says Ray, and relatively long spinnerets.
Yeah, yeah, says Sweezus. And what's that thing?
Any young ears listening? says Ray.
Everyone's out, Ray, says Sweezus.
This one's a male, says Ray. Males have a large mating spur that projects from the middle of their second pair of legs.
Jeez, Ray! says Sweezus.
It's called reproduction, says Ray. No need to be squeamish.
I'm not squeamish, says Sweezus. It's how you said it. Fricken' creepy.
I said it perfectly normally, says Ray.
Maybe it's me, says Sweezus. Maybe it's you.
It's not me, says Ray.
It's not like you're mister perfect, says Sweezus.
Don't claim to be, says Ray. Could you be more specific?
Two presents, says Sweezus. You gave Fish two presents.
Which you asked me to do, says Ray.
One was meant to be from ME, says Sweezus.
Oh, SO sorry, says Ray. You should have given more detailed instructions. How we'll get on in Booderee, I cannot imagine.
Uh? says Sweezus.
Bugger. So Ray thinks he's coming......
Fish gets a trophy, along with the rest of the team.
Katherine sits next to Butterfly, dutifully clapping.
Some teams are mixed, (but not very).
A team is called up with five boys and only one girl in.
I know EXACTLY how that girl feels, says Butterfly.
......
After lunch at Sushi Train in Penrith, Daddy, Mummy, Butterfly, Fish and Katherine drive to Leura, to view the waterfall from the bottom.
Sweezus stays home, waiting for Ray.
Ding dong! Here is Ray now, with his spider book.
Come through, says Sweezus. We'll sit outside.
They sit out the back, on the balcony overlooking the garden. The trees flicker and rustle, due to landings of colourful parrots.
The two arachnologists ignore the colourful parrots, and bury their heads in the spider book.
See, says Ray. Funnel webs can be this size. Or this size. One to five centimetres. Or in between.
I get it, says Sweezus. It's not like I know nothing. I boned up at home.
They have a hairless carapace, says Ray, and relatively long spinnerets.
Yeah, yeah, says Sweezus. And what's that thing?
Any young ears listening? says Ray.
Everyone's out, Ray, says Sweezus.
This one's a male, says Ray. Males have a large mating spur that projects from the middle of their second pair of legs.
Jeez, Ray! says Sweezus.
It's called reproduction, says Ray. No need to be squeamish.
I'm not squeamish, says Sweezus. It's how you said it. Fricken' creepy.
I said it perfectly normally, says Ray.
Maybe it's me, says Sweezus. Maybe it's you.
It's not me, says Ray.
It's not like you're mister perfect, says Sweezus.
Don't claim to be, says Ray. Could you be more specific?
Two presents, says Sweezus. You gave Fish two presents.
Which you asked me to do, says Ray.
One was meant to be from ME, says Sweezus.
Oh, SO sorry, says Ray. You should have given more detailed instructions. How we'll get on in Booderee, I cannot imagine.
Uh? says Sweezus.
Bugger. So Ray thinks he's coming......
Thursday, September 17, 2015
No Presents Like The Times
It's quarter to twelve, and Ray Moon hasn't wrapped up the presents.
They are: a spider pen and a spider eraser, from his pen and eraser collection.
Damn. No wrapping paper. He'll have to wrap them in Blue Mountains Gazette.
Twelve o'clock. Ray stands at the front door of the house with the party ( identified by a Minion balloon ).
Katherine opens the door.
Moon! says Katherine. No one told me you were coming.
Katherine! says Ray. Forgot you'd be here.
How's the god business? says Katherine tartly.
Slow, says Ray. And difficult, with no congregation.
Humph! says Katherine. You'd better come in. Are those PRESENTS?
Yes, says Ray.
I hope they don't contain peanuts, says Katherine.
So do I, says Ray. One's a pen, and one's an eraser.
Sweezus appears at the top of the stairs, backlit by a skylight.
Ray gets that old feeling. Oh Lord.....
Quickly represses it.
(Hard to revere someone who steals from the collection box, to pay for a surfboard).
(But Ray is unduly severe. It was only a paddle).
Come up Ray, says Sweezus. Fish's got this cool Bug book.
Ray shoves the presents at Katherine, who takes them through to the kitchen.
Ray goes upstairs.
Sweezus is in Fish's bedroom, with the Bug book, open at the funnel web spider.
He and Ray sit on the bed.
Down in the garden joyous noises come from the bouncy castle. Then a shout and a wail.
Ray looks at the single example of a funnel web spider in the Bug book.
This won't help you, says Ray. It's not Atrax or Hadronyche. It's the wrong type of funnel web spider.
Fuck, says Sweezus. I've spent half the morning .......
Never mind, says Ray. I have a spider book. I'll bring it over tomorrow. Crikey! What's that?
That's Fish's Lego Bionicle, says Sweezus. Lord Of Skull Spiders. See that bit? The Golden Skull.
Humph, says Ray, echoing Katherine.
Such is human nature.
Sweezus and Ray go downstairs.
The ten children have finished their mini sausages, carrot and cucumber sticks, Cheetos and choc-dipped marshmallows, topped with M&Ms. It's cake time! Twelve Minion cupcakes. Hurrah!
Happy birthday! Fish blows out his candle.
The young guests, who up to now have been happy drinking water, become emboldened.
Can we have ginger beer? Lemonade?
At last they have all been spirited away. Now Fish can open his presents. Wow! Lego. Books! A spider pen and a spider eraser!
They are: a spider pen and a spider eraser, from his pen and eraser collection.
Damn. No wrapping paper. He'll have to wrap them in Blue Mountains Gazette.
Twelve o'clock. Ray stands at the front door of the house with the party ( identified by a Minion balloon ).
Katherine opens the door.
Moon! says Katherine. No one told me you were coming.
Katherine! says Ray. Forgot you'd be here.
How's the god business? says Katherine tartly.
Slow, says Ray. And difficult, with no congregation.
Humph! says Katherine. You'd better come in. Are those PRESENTS?
Yes, says Ray.
I hope they don't contain peanuts, says Katherine.
So do I, says Ray. One's a pen, and one's an eraser.
Sweezus appears at the top of the stairs, backlit by a skylight.
Ray gets that old feeling. Oh Lord.....
Quickly represses it.
(Hard to revere someone who steals from the collection box, to pay for a surfboard).
(But Ray is unduly severe. It was only a paddle).
Come up Ray, says Sweezus. Fish's got this cool Bug book.
Ray shoves the presents at Katherine, who takes them through to the kitchen.
Ray goes upstairs.
Sweezus is in Fish's bedroom, with the Bug book, open at the funnel web spider.
He and Ray sit on the bed.
Down in the garden joyous noises come from the bouncy castle. Then a shout and a wail.
Ray looks at the single example of a funnel web spider in the Bug book.
This won't help you, says Ray. It's not Atrax or Hadronyche. It's the wrong type of funnel web spider.
Fuck, says Sweezus. I've spent half the morning .......
Never mind, says Ray. I have a spider book. I'll bring it over tomorrow. Crikey! What's that?
That's Fish's Lego Bionicle, says Sweezus. Lord Of Skull Spiders. See that bit? The Golden Skull.
Humph, says Ray, echoing Katherine.
Such is human nature.
Sweezus and Ray go downstairs.
The ten children have finished their mini sausages, carrot and cucumber sticks, Cheetos and choc-dipped marshmallows, topped with M&Ms. It's cake time! Twelve Minion cupcakes. Hurrah!
Happy birthday! Fish blows out his candle.
The young guests, who up to now have been happy drinking water, become emboldened.
Can we have ginger beer? Lemonade?
At last they have all been spirited away. Now Fish can open his presents. Wow! Lego. Books! A spider pen and a spider eraser!
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Be Brave, Be Kind, Be Annoying
After dinner Dad lights the chimenea, down in the garden.
Night sky. A possum glares down from a gum tree. Flickering shadows, sparks flying upwards.
Marshmallows on sticks, burning and blackening.
Butterfly coughs. (It's the smoke). I think I have asthma, she says.
Fish eats several more toasted marshmallows. Katherine drops her last one.
Now the packet is empty.
They go back inside.
Katherine reads Butterfly a story, up in her bedroom. Little Miss Happy.
The setting is Miseryland, a miserable Kingdom.
Little Miss Happy rocks up. She is annoying. She giggles and chuckles and needles the King into laughing.
That's the end of his kingdom, right there.
Sweezus goes back into the garden. He remembers the garden. He and Arthur, hallucinating together, in a swing chair.
Yeah.... he had come to Blaxland to rescue Arthur from Pastor Moon, who was performing an exorcism....and Arthur didn't want to be rescued.....
And Unni..... had she been there?
Sweezus decides to swing by Pastor Moon's house. Unni might be upstairs. She might look out of the window. He could throw gravel. She would come out, they could ... catch up or something...yeah....
He heads off, towards Pastor Moon's house.
Shit! Pastor Moon is sitting outside in the moonlight. He sees him.
You! says Ray Moon. I never expected.......
Ray, says Sweezus. Is Unni at home?
She lives in Penrith these days, says Ray. My Little Miss Sunshine.
Urrm, says Sweezus.
Cup of tea? Something stronger? says Ray.
Okay, says Sweezus.
Ray fetches two stubbies.
What brings you to Blaxland? asks Ray. Not my daughter?
No way, I mean no, says Sweezus. A new species of funnel web spider. A mission for Gaius.
Atrax robustus, is it? says Ray. But no, not if it's a new species. A Hadronyche?
You an expert? says Sweezus.
No no, just an amateur, says Ray. This place is like Spider Central.
It's not from here, says Sweezus. It's from Booderee. And I can't head off yet. There's a party.
Party? says Ray.
It's a long time since Ray's been to a party. Sweezus can tell.
The look on Ray's face reminds him (bar the obvious) of Cinderella.
Why don't you come? says Sweezus. It's just up the road, at twelve tomorrow. We can talk spiders.
Should I bring a present? asks Ray.
Yeah, actually...., says Sweezus, thinking quickly...... could you bring two?
Night sky. A possum glares down from a gum tree. Flickering shadows, sparks flying upwards.
Marshmallows on sticks, burning and blackening.
Butterfly coughs. (It's the smoke). I think I have asthma, she says.
Fish eats several more toasted marshmallows. Katherine drops her last one.
Now the packet is empty.
They go back inside.
Katherine reads Butterfly a story, up in her bedroom. Little Miss Happy.
The setting is Miseryland, a miserable Kingdom.
Little Miss Happy rocks up. She is annoying. She giggles and chuckles and needles the King into laughing.
That's the end of his kingdom, right there.
Sweezus goes back into the garden. He remembers the garden. He and Arthur, hallucinating together, in a swing chair.
Yeah.... he had come to Blaxland to rescue Arthur from Pastor Moon, who was performing an exorcism....and Arthur didn't want to be rescued.....
And Unni..... had she been there?
Sweezus decides to swing by Pastor Moon's house. Unni might be upstairs. She might look out of the window. He could throw gravel. She would come out, they could ... catch up or something...yeah....
He heads off, towards Pastor Moon's house.
Shit! Pastor Moon is sitting outside in the moonlight. He sees him.
You! says Ray Moon. I never expected.......
Ray, says Sweezus. Is Unni at home?
She lives in Penrith these days, says Ray. My Little Miss Sunshine.
Urrm, says Sweezus.
Cup of tea? Something stronger? says Ray.
Okay, says Sweezus.
Ray fetches two stubbies.
What brings you to Blaxland? asks Ray. Not my daughter?
No way, I mean no, says Sweezus. A new species of funnel web spider. A mission for Gaius.
Atrax robustus, is it? says Ray. But no, not if it's a new species. A Hadronyche?
You an expert? says Sweezus.
No no, just an amateur, says Ray. This place is like Spider Central.
It's not from here, says Sweezus. It's from Booderee. And I can't head off yet. There's a party.
Party? says Ray.
It's a long time since Ray's been to a party. Sweezus can tell.
The look on Ray's face reminds him (bar the obvious) of Cinderella.
Why don't you come? says Sweezus. It's just up the road, at twelve tomorrow. We can talk spiders.
Should I bring a present? asks Ray.
Yeah, actually...., says Sweezus, thinking quickly...... could you bring two?
Monday, September 14, 2015
The Potential To Become
Some time has passed.
Sweezus and Katherine are in Blaxland, for Fish's sixth birthday.
Right now they are watching Cinderella with Butterfly and Fish.
Fish is only half watching, because he is busy at the table, making a Lego Bionicle.
Cinderella twirls around in a torn pink dress of her mother's. Round and round she spins. When she stops, her golden hair is full of sparkles and her bell-skirted tiny-waisted ball gown is a deep shade of blue. She looks lovely ( but then, she looked lovely before).
Doesn't she look lovely? says Katherine.
Butterfly nods. Mm. So lovely.
She is lovely, says Fish, attaching a claw.
Sweezus makes a note of this un-Fishlike opinion.
Cinderella progresses towards her happy ending.
Now Fish and Sweezus are upstairs. Fish is showing Sweezus his Lego collection, which is mountainous and largely disassembled on a low table next to his bed.
Wow! Awesome! says Sweezus. You've got heaps of Lego. Who's this?
That's a bad guy, says Fish. These are the good guys.
Fish presses nine tiny blue bullets into the blue ray guns of three blue helmeted good guys.
The good guys fire their tiny blue bullets at the bad guy, who falls over.
Now the nine bullets are lost, somewhere in the disassembled heaps. Sweezus starts sifting.
Soon twelve dead bad guys (and one puppy) are lined up in rows at the edge of the table.
This game has the potential to become tedious. Sweezus moves a few pieces, uncovering a small Lego carrot.
This could be their food, says Sweezus.
They don't need food, says Fish.
What else have you got? asks Sweezus, looking round the bedroom.
Fish doesn't answer. He is moving a Lego Dune buggy into position.
Sweezus stands up. On top of the chest of drawers next to a dinosaur is a new-looking book, "Bugs Spiders and Reptiles".
You like bugs? asks Sweezus.
I really like snakes, replies Fish.
Sweezus flicks through "Bugs Spiders and Reptiles", for a funnel web spider.
The smell of pork fat drifts up the stairs,
Dinner is ready.
Sweezus and Katherine are in Blaxland, for Fish's sixth birthday.
Right now they are watching Cinderella with Butterfly and Fish.
Fish is only half watching, because he is busy at the table, making a Lego Bionicle.
Cinderella twirls around in a torn pink dress of her mother's. Round and round she spins. When she stops, her golden hair is full of sparkles and her bell-skirted tiny-waisted ball gown is a deep shade of blue. She looks lovely ( but then, she looked lovely before).
Doesn't she look lovely? says Katherine.
Butterfly nods. Mm. So lovely.
She is lovely, says Fish, attaching a claw.
Sweezus makes a note of this un-Fishlike opinion.
Cinderella progresses towards her happy ending.
Now Fish and Sweezus are upstairs. Fish is showing Sweezus his Lego collection, which is mountainous and largely disassembled on a low table next to his bed.
Wow! Awesome! says Sweezus. You've got heaps of Lego. Who's this?
That's a bad guy, says Fish. These are the good guys.
Fish presses nine tiny blue bullets into the blue ray guns of three blue helmeted good guys.
The good guys fire their tiny blue bullets at the bad guy, who falls over.
Now the nine bullets are lost, somewhere in the disassembled heaps. Sweezus starts sifting.
Soon twelve dead bad guys (and one puppy) are lined up in rows at the edge of the table.
This game has the potential to become tedious. Sweezus moves a few pieces, uncovering a small Lego carrot.
This could be their food, says Sweezus.
They don't need food, says Fish.
What else have you got? asks Sweezus, looking round the bedroom.
Fish doesn't answer. He is moving a Lego Dune buggy into position.
Sweezus stands up. On top of the chest of drawers next to a dinosaur is a new-looking book, "Bugs Spiders and Reptiles".
You like bugs? asks Sweezus.
I really like snakes, replies Fish.
Sweezus flicks through "Bugs Spiders and Reptiles", for a funnel web spider.
Dinner is ready.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Reason Is Feminine
Gaius's problem: He wants his bike back. He doesn't know where it is.
Tonight he is dining with Dr Arjan Egges and Dr Rolland Geraerts, who have hidden it.
He has every intention of broaching the subject.
Gaius: Delicious dinner.
Dr Arjan: I find most people like Vijfshaft.
Gaius: I, particularly. Beans, potatoes, carrots, onion and apple. What a treat. However, now that we've eaten, I have a request.
Dr Rolland: Dessert is next. It's something special. We've made Hernhutterjes.
Gaius: I don't normally eat dessert, but if you've prepared it.....
The doctors produce rolled up cinnamon and aniseed biscuits. They eat them. Gaius tries again.
Gaius: Now for my request.
Dr Arjan: Coffee? Jenever?
Gaius: I can't help thinking you don't wish to hear it.
Dr Arjan: Okay, what is it?
Gaius: I want my bicycle back. I have stayed long enough.
Dr Rolland: But we have so much more to discover. We've just scratched the surface.
Gaius: Not literally, I hope. It belongs to Schopenhauer.
Dr Rolland: Of course not. Our research is virtual. But this morning, I was sitting on the seat of the bicycle, hooked up to detect random neurological algorithms, and, quite out of the blue I thought:
"Reason is feminine"
Dr Rolland: And we don't know where that came from.
Gaius: Sounds exactly like Schopenhauer. Who else would say something like that?
Dr Arjan: What is meant by it?
Gaius: How in Jupiter's name should I know?
Dr Rolland: Perhaps this: it can only give after it has received. Of itself, it has nothing but the empty forms of its operation.
Gaius: Now you sound just like him. It's affecting you badly. And you're not even sitting on it. Is it nearby?
Dr Arjan; Actually it's not that far away. It's in the kitchen.
Gaius: Ah! I mean......Hm. Is it? Well, well, after such a fine dinner, the least I can do is help with the dishes.
........
Thousands of kilometres away, in Adelaide, Sweezus is having dinner with Katherine.
Katherine: I thought you would like vegetarian.
Sweezus: You've mixed me up with a vegetarian.
Katherine: Well, it won't hurt for once to eat kale chips and tofu with beans.
Sweezus: Yeah. Your rellies aren't vegetarian are they?
Katherine: Of course not. You've met them. They eat lots of sausages. Fish and Butterfly like them.
Sweezus: Cool. And which one's birthday is it?
Katherine: Fish's. He'll be six. I've bought him a Fart Gun. Have you bought him a present?
Sweezus : Shit no. Didn't think of it. Been boning up on funnel web spiders.
Katherine: Very commendable. You know they can't jump, I suppose.
Sweezus: Um, no, but I was hoping.
Katherine: Knowledge is power, young man.
Sweezus: Wicked! Mind if I tweet that?
Katherine: I sometimes wonder if you're cleverer than you make out.
Tonight he is dining with Dr Arjan Egges and Dr Rolland Geraerts, who have hidden it.
He has every intention of broaching the subject.
Gaius: Delicious dinner.
Dr Arjan: I find most people like Vijfshaft.
Gaius: I, particularly. Beans, potatoes, carrots, onion and apple. What a treat. However, now that we've eaten, I have a request.
Dr Rolland: Dessert is next. It's something special. We've made Hernhutterjes.
Gaius: I don't normally eat dessert, but if you've prepared it.....
The doctors produce rolled up cinnamon and aniseed biscuits. They eat them. Gaius tries again.
Gaius: Now for my request.
Dr Arjan: Coffee? Jenever?
Gaius: I can't help thinking you don't wish to hear it.
Dr Arjan: Okay, what is it?
Gaius: I want my bicycle back. I have stayed long enough.
Dr Rolland: But we have so much more to discover. We've just scratched the surface.
Gaius: Not literally, I hope. It belongs to Schopenhauer.
Dr Rolland: Of course not. Our research is virtual. But this morning, I was sitting on the seat of the bicycle, hooked up to detect random neurological algorithms, and, quite out of the blue I thought:
"Reason is feminine"
Dr Rolland: And we don't know where that came from.
Gaius: Sounds exactly like Schopenhauer. Who else would say something like that?
Dr Arjan: What is meant by it?
Gaius: How in Jupiter's name should I know?
Dr Rolland: Perhaps this: it can only give after it has received. Of itself, it has nothing but the empty forms of its operation.
Gaius: Now you sound just like him. It's affecting you badly. And you're not even sitting on it. Is it nearby?
Dr Arjan; Actually it's not that far away. It's in the kitchen.
Gaius: Ah! I mean......Hm. Is it? Well, well, after such a fine dinner, the least I can do is help with the dishes.
........
Thousands of kilometres away, in Adelaide, Sweezus is having dinner with Katherine.
Katherine: I thought you would like vegetarian.
Sweezus: You've mixed me up with a vegetarian.
Katherine: Well, it won't hurt for once to eat kale chips and tofu with beans.
Sweezus: Yeah. Your rellies aren't vegetarian are they?
Katherine: Of course not. You've met them. They eat lots of sausages. Fish and Butterfly like them.
Sweezus: Cool. And which one's birthday is it?
Katherine: Fish's. He'll be six. I've bought him a Fart Gun. Have you bought him a present?
Sweezus : Shit no. Didn't think of it. Been boning up on funnel web spiders.
Katherine: Very commendable. You know they can't jump, I suppose.
Sweezus: Um, no, but I was hoping.
Katherine: Knowledge is power, young man.
Sweezus: Wicked! Mind if I tweet that?
Katherine: I sometimes wonder if you're cleverer than you make out.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
The Susceptibility Bridge
Two policemen are dragging a bicycle out of Lake Geneva and on to the walkway.
Ouf! says policeman one.
Alors! says the other. A qui est ce velo mouillé?
It's my son's bicycle! says Em, running forward with Oscar. Thank the nice policemen, Oscar!
Thank you, policemen, says Oscar.
Bien, but a fine will pertain to this recovery, says policeman one.
.......
Bugger, says Em, I don't feel like finishing the Big Bang now. Come on, Oscar.
Aww, says Oscar.
Never mind 'aww', says Em. Say goodbye to Terence.
Farewell, blood brother, says Oscar.
Where am I going? asks Terence.
It's all for the best, says David. You need to get that bird home to Ferney.
Call it Oscar, says Oscar.
OSCAR! says Terence.
Ee! ee! croaks the baby-crane-parrot.
And then: Cacghh! It coughs up something nasty.
Look at that, says Vello. It spat up something nasty. Perhaps that was the trouble.
.........
Vello, David and Terence are on their way back to Ferney.
Terence sits on the back rack behind David, holding his helmet, in which squats the lucky wee crane.
Croo-croo-croo, says Terence.
Quark-quark-quark, says the lucky wee crane.
I can't call him Oscar, says Terence. Oscar's my blood brother.
I quite see that, says David. I would feel just the same.
How about Arouet? says Vello. It rhymes with parrouet.
But Terence doesn't like Arouet. He has decided on 'BANG'.
...........
While they cycle the three kilometres to Ferney, let us focus on Gaius.
Gaius is still in Utrecht.
Gaius has been given the run of the Paleomagnetic Lab at Fort Hoofddjik.
The Fort is housed in a historical bunker in the Utrecht University Gardens, and boasts a variety of instruments used to investigate the magnetism of earth rocks ( and other material ).
The lab has a DC-Squid magnetometer, the first ever made
An RF-Squid magnetometer
Two JRSA spinner magnetometers
A Bartington susceptometer and sensor
A susceptibility bridge
A Micro MAG
A Franz isodynamic magnetic separator....
In the past week, Gaius has twiddled many magnetometer knobs and made copious notes in his notebook. He has tinkered productively with the susceptibility bridge, and read the Micro MAG.
He is ready to leave now. There is only one problem.
Ouf! says policeman one.
Alors! says the other. A qui est ce velo mouillé?
It's my son's bicycle! says Em, running forward with Oscar. Thank the nice policemen, Oscar!
Thank you, policemen, says Oscar.
Bien, but a fine will pertain to this recovery, says policeman one.
.......
Bugger, says Em, I don't feel like finishing the Big Bang now. Come on, Oscar.
Aww, says Oscar.
Never mind 'aww', says Em. Say goodbye to Terence.
Farewell, blood brother, says Oscar.
Where am I going? asks Terence.
It's all for the best, says David. You need to get that bird home to Ferney.
Call it Oscar, says Oscar.
OSCAR! says Terence.
Ee! ee! croaks the baby-crane-parrot.
And then: Cacghh! It coughs up something nasty.
Look at that, says Vello. It spat up something nasty. Perhaps that was the trouble.
.........
Vello, David and Terence are on their way back to Ferney.
Terence sits on the back rack behind David, holding his helmet, in which squats the lucky wee crane.
Croo-croo-croo, says Terence.
Quark-quark-quark, says the lucky wee crane.
I can't call him Oscar, says Terence. Oscar's my blood brother.
I quite see that, says David. I would feel just the same.
How about Arouet? says Vello. It rhymes with parrouet.
But Terence doesn't like Arouet. He has decided on 'BANG'.
...........
While they cycle the three kilometres to Ferney, let us focus on Gaius.
Gaius is still in Utrecht.
Gaius has been given the run of the Paleomagnetic Lab at Fort Hoofddjik.
The Fort is housed in a historical bunker in the Utrecht University Gardens, and boasts a variety of instruments used to investigate the magnetism of earth rocks ( and other material ).
The lab has a DC-Squid magnetometer, the first ever made
An RF-Squid magnetometer
Two JRSA spinner magnetometers
A Bartington susceptometer and sensor
A susceptibility bridge
A Micro MAG
A Franz isodynamic magnetic separator....
In the past week, Gaius has twiddled many magnetometer knobs and made copious notes in his notebook. He has tinkered productively with the susceptibility bridge, and read the Micro MAG.
He is ready to leave now. There is only one problem.
Nature Is Awesome
Now can we get my bike back? says Oscar.
I don't think so says Em. It's at the bottom of Lake Geneva.
There's a ladder, says Terence.
We're not going down it, says Em.
They retrace their steps to the ice cream shop where David is waiting.
All safe and sound are we? says David. What's that in your helmet, Terence?
My lucky parrot, says Terence. It came out of an accident.
David peers in at the expiring bird.
At least it looks comfy, says David. I see you've lined it. What's that stringy stuff?
My hair, says Vello. I donated some strands.
Very thoughtful, says David. Well, now what?
Oscar's bicycle, says Em. I suppose we should at least have a look.
They start walking back to the fountain.
Ee! ee! the baby bird cries.
Hush, says Terence. Or you'll go in the tool box!
(You can't blame him. And you can't blame Saint Joseph. It's how they both were brought up).
David's phone rings. It's Sweezus, asking if they've found Terence.
How kind of Sweezus. How thoughtful. How empathetic.
Yes, Terence is here, says David. I'll put him on.
Hello? says Terence.
I hear you drowned, says Sweezus. You okay?
I fell in Lake Geneva, says Terence. I was down at the bottom. The fish were STARING. Then they showed me the ladder.
Awesome, says Sweezus. Nature is awesome. You'll appreciate it more when you're bigger.
You won't, says Terence.
Sweezus ignores this.
And then you got kidnapped? he says.
Yes, says Terence. Kidnapped, and kept in the Tower of Loneliness. And then, guess what, you won't like this.
Don't tell me, says Sweezus. Saved by a bird?
She said she was a crane, says Terence. But I know a crane when I see one. She gave me an egg.
Cool. You had something to eat then, says Sweezus.
Ee ee! squeaks the baby bird.
What's that sound ? says Sweezus.
My lucky baby parrot, says Terence.
Yeah, says Sweezus. Lucky. Well, good to know you're okay. I'll put Belle on.
Hello? says Belle. Terence?
But Terence has given the phone back to David.
Belle? says David. Yes, Terence is fine. He's got a wee birdie in his helmet. Yes, the helmet you sent over. No, we didn't. All right then, we will....By the way, have you spoken to Katherine?
Yes, says Belle. She wants me to go with her to Blaxland, but I can't, so Sweezie's going.
Good lord! says David. I hope he knows what he's in for!
Oh you know him, says Belle. He's going to get paid.
By mother? says David.
Partly by her, and partly by Gaius, says Belle. There's a new species of funnel web spider been discovered in Boodera Park near Jervis Bay and Gaius has asked him to look into it, because he's been held up in Utrecht....
Funnel web! says David. Aren't they deadly? Anyway, nice of Sweezus to call and check up on Terence.
Mmm, says Belle. Wasn't it!
(By which we may gather that she was the prime mover).
I don't think so says Em. It's at the bottom of Lake Geneva.
There's a ladder, says Terence.
We're not going down it, says Em.
They retrace their steps to the ice cream shop where David is waiting.
All safe and sound are we? says David. What's that in your helmet, Terence?
My lucky parrot, says Terence. It came out of an accident.
David peers in at the expiring bird.
At least it looks comfy, says David. I see you've lined it. What's that stringy stuff?
My hair, says Vello. I donated some strands.
Very thoughtful, says David. Well, now what?
Oscar's bicycle, says Em. I suppose we should at least have a look.
They start walking back to the fountain.
Ee! ee! the baby bird cries.
Hush, says Terence. Or you'll go in the tool box!
(You can't blame him. And you can't blame Saint Joseph. It's how they both were brought up).
David's phone rings. It's Sweezus, asking if they've found Terence.
How kind of Sweezus. How thoughtful. How empathetic.
Yes, Terence is here, says David. I'll put him on.
Hello? says Terence.
I hear you drowned, says Sweezus. You okay?
I fell in Lake Geneva, says Terence. I was down at the bottom. The fish were STARING. Then they showed me the ladder.
Awesome, says Sweezus. Nature is awesome. You'll appreciate it more when you're bigger.
You won't, says Terence.
Sweezus ignores this.
And then you got kidnapped? he says.
Yes, says Terence. Kidnapped, and kept in the Tower of Loneliness. And then, guess what, you won't like this.
Don't tell me, says Sweezus. Saved by a bird?
She said she was a crane, says Terence. But I know a crane when I see one. She gave me an egg.
Cool. You had something to eat then, says Sweezus.
Ee ee! squeaks the baby bird.
What's that sound ? says Sweezus.
My lucky baby parrot, says Terence.
Yeah, says Sweezus. Lucky. Well, good to know you're okay. I'll put Belle on.
Hello? says Belle. Terence?
But Terence has given the phone back to David.
Belle? says David. Yes, Terence is fine. He's got a wee birdie in his helmet. Yes, the helmet you sent over. No, we didn't. All right then, we will....By the way, have you spoken to Katherine?
Yes, says Belle. She wants me to go with her to Blaxland, but I can't, so Sweezie's going.
Good lord! says David. I hope he knows what he's in for!
Oh you know him, says Belle. He's going to get paid.
By mother? says David.
Partly by her, and partly by Gaius, says Belle. There's a new species of funnel web spider been discovered in Boodera Park near Jervis Bay and Gaius has asked him to look into it, because he's been held up in Utrecht....
Funnel web! says David. Aren't they deadly? Anyway, nice of Sweezus to call and check up on Terence.
Mmm, says Belle. Wasn't it!
(By which we may gather that she was the prime mover).
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Or I'll Deck You!
The guard skids to a halt, (not in the egg slime), and says:
What was that smash?
Vello, who dislikes all forms of authority, has kicked the pith helmet aside.
Dropped my hat, says Vello. Is that a problem?
Pick it up, says the guard, and there won't be a problem this time.
Vello picks up the little pith helmet with a flourish, removes his own pith helmet, and places the smaller one on his head.
The guard gives him a quizzical look, and marches away.
Ha! says Vello. I think I dealt with that rather well.
But no one is listening.
Du Fu, Wang Wei, May Li, Em, Oscar and Terence are staring at the egg slime, in the middle of which, a tiny bird struggles.
Who's going to pick it up? asks Em. Not me.
Not me, says May Li.
That rules out the ladies.
I will, says Du Fu. A crane is lucky.
I knew it! says Terence.
Du Fu picks up the damp baby crane and holds it out to Terence. It doesn't look lucky.
It's dead, says Oscar.
No look, it's gasping, says Em.
I'll take care of it, says Terence. It's my lucky parrot.
How sweet. Vello is moved. He reaches up to remove Terence's little pith helmet and return it to Terence. Perhaps Terence would like to make a soft bed for his charge, out of torn strips of cotton, and carry it round in his helmet until it recovers.......
But he can't remove the pith helmet. It's stuck to his head.
Curses, says Vello. Pull it, Em, will you? Gently does it.
Em pulls it, until it comes off.
Terence drops the lucky bird in it.
Time we were going, says Vello. We must return to Ferney for dinner.
Good bye, says Em to Du Fu, Wang Wei and May Li. Thanks for taking care of Oscar and his little friend here.
Yes, thank you, says Vello. Very kind.
That's okay. Enjoy the rest of your day, says May Li.
They walk off in different directions, leaving the egg slime on the floor in front of the Woman With Doves.
........
The egg slime remains. It hasn't dried up.
The Australian Immigration Minister, Peter Dutton, enters the hall with his Chief of Staff and his media person.
Where is this meeting? fusses Peter Dutton.
I just want to show you this beautiful painting first, says the Chief of Staff. It's so inspiring.
Have we got time for this? grumbles Peter Dutton.
Yes, says the media person. Two minutes. Oh, it's amaaaazing!
Peter Dutton is reading a text message from Tony Abbott (Australian Prime Minister).
DON'T GIVE ANYTHING TO THOSE UN BLEEDING HEARTS OR I'LL DECK YOU!!!!
So he is not looking at the beautiful painting, or even the floor.
Swuuuuurrrrpppp! he loses his footing and goes for a slide in the egg slime.
The luck of the crane is selective.
What was that smash?
Vello, who dislikes all forms of authority, has kicked the pith helmet aside.
Dropped my hat, says Vello. Is that a problem?
Pick it up, says the guard, and there won't be a problem this time.
Vello picks up the little pith helmet with a flourish, removes his own pith helmet, and places the smaller one on his head.
The guard gives him a quizzical look, and marches away.
Ha! says Vello. I think I dealt with that rather well.
But no one is listening.
Du Fu, Wang Wei, May Li, Em, Oscar and Terence are staring at the egg slime, in the middle of which, a tiny bird struggles.
Who's going to pick it up? asks Em. Not me.
Not me, says May Li.
That rules out the ladies.
I will, says Du Fu. A crane is lucky.
I knew it! says Terence.
Du Fu picks up the damp baby crane and holds it out to Terence. It doesn't look lucky.
It's dead, says Oscar.
No look, it's gasping, says Em.
I'll take care of it, says Terence. It's my lucky parrot.
How sweet. Vello is moved. He reaches up to remove Terence's little pith helmet and return it to Terence. Perhaps Terence would like to make a soft bed for his charge, out of torn strips of cotton, and carry it round in his helmet until it recovers.......
But he can't remove the pith helmet. It's stuck to his head.
Curses, says Vello. Pull it, Em, will you? Gently does it.
Em pulls it, until it comes off.
Terence drops the lucky bird in it.
Time we were going, says Vello. We must return to Ferney for dinner.
Good bye, says Em to Du Fu, Wang Wei and May Li. Thanks for taking care of Oscar and his little friend here.
Yes, thank you, says Vello. Very kind.
That's okay. Enjoy the rest of your day, says May Li.
They walk off in different directions, leaving the egg slime on the floor in front of the Woman With Doves.
........
The egg slime remains. It hasn't dried up.
The Australian Immigration Minister, Peter Dutton, enters the hall with his Chief of Staff and his media person.
Where is this meeting? fusses Peter Dutton.
I just want to show you this beautiful painting first, says the Chief of Staff. It's so inspiring.
Have we got time for this? grumbles Peter Dutton.
Yes, says the media person. Two minutes. Oh, it's amaaaazing!
Peter Dutton is reading a text message from Tony Abbott (Australian Prime Minister).
DON'T GIVE ANYTHING TO THOSE UN BLEEDING HEARTS OR I'LL DECK YOU!!!!
So he is not looking at the beautiful painting, or even the floor.
Swuuuuurrrrpppp! he loses his footing and goes for a slide in the egg slime.
The luck of the crane is selective.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
We Don't Know If This Is Correct
David waits outside the ice cream shop.
Ages tick by with no news.
Why not call Vello? He will.
David: Vello? Any luck finding Oscar and Terence?
Vello: They've been drowned, rescued and abducted to the Palais de Nations by a bunch of Chinese. We're just trying to enter. There's a fool of a gatekeeper......
David: Ha ha. You ARE joking? No? Should I come down there? Oh... all right. I'll wait here.
David goes in to order another ice cream. He carries it outside. It's warm in the sunshine. He sits under a large red umbrella, and closes his eyes.
Why does Vello get all the excitement?
As if proving the point, his phone rings. It's Katherine, his mother.
Katherine Hume: David! Where are you?
David Hume: Mother, you know where I am. I'm in Geneva.
Katherine: When will you be home?
David: It's up in the air at the moment. Terence has been kidnapped.
Katherine: Oh, dear. So you're held up indefinitely. I was hoping you'd come with me to Blaxland.
David: What a shame. You could always ask Arthur.
Katherine: He's still away. Perhaps I'll ask Belle.
David: She's working in the office. She's the only one there. You can't take her.
Katherine: Nonsense. Sweezus is there as well. He's perfectly capable.
David: Is he? Yes, of course he is. All right. Go ahead and ask Belle.
Katherine: I will. Good luck finding young Terence!
David: Bad pennies always turn up.
Katherine: Very apt, David. I sometimes forget you're a brilliant philosopher.
.........
Inside the Palais de Nations, in front of a beautiful painting, Woman With Doves, by Zhao Yu Sheng:
Oscar: That's Terence's mum in that painting! And those are his parrots.
May Li: This is remarkable. The painter is Chinese.
Du Fu: We don't know if this is correct. We must ask Terence.
Wang Wei: Here he comes now, with two Westerners.
May Li: Hee hee! 'Westerners'. Wang, you ning nong.
Oscar: Mum!
Em: Oscar! Where have you been?
Oscar: I fell in the water at the big fountain. A man tripped me. Hi Terence! Look at this picture.
Terence: Parrots! And a lady.
Vello: Doves, not parrots. Look here, Terence, I've retrieved.....
Oscar: It's your mum.
Terence: No it isn't. But look what the crane........
Smash! Egg meets pith helmet.
Egg slime all over the floor, and a tiny thing, moving.
A guard comes running.
Ages tick by with no news.
Why not call Vello? He will.
David: Vello? Any luck finding Oscar and Terence?
Vello: They've been drowned, rescued and abducted to the Palais de Nations by a bunch of Chinese. We're just trying to enter. There's a fool of a gatekeeper......
David: Ha ha. You ARE joking? No? Should I come down there? Oh... all right. I'll wait here.
David goes in to order another ice cream. He carries it outside. It's warm in the sunshine. He sits under a large red umbrella, and closes his eyes.
Why does Vello get all the excitement?
As if proving the point, his phone rings. It's Katherine, his mother.
Katherine Hume: David! Where are you?
David Hume: Mother, you know where I am. I'm in Geneva.
Katherine: When will you be home?
David: It's up in the air at the moment. Terence has been kidnapped.
Katherine: Oh, dear. So you're held up indefinitely. I was hoping you'd come with me to Blaxland.
David: What a shame. You could always ask Arthur.
Katherine: He's still away. Perhaps I'll ask Belle.
David: She's working in the office. She's the only one there. You can't take her.
Katherine: Nonsense. Sweezus is there as well. He's perfectly capable.
David: Is he? Yes, of course he is. All right. Go ahead and ask Belle.
Katherine: I will. Good luck finding young Terence!
David: Bad pennies always turn up.
Katherine: Very apt, David. I sometimes forget you're a brilliant philosopher.
.........
Inside the Palais de Nations, in front of a beautiful painting, Woman With Doves, by Zhao Yu Sheng:
Oscar: That's Terence's mum in that painting! And those are his parrots.
May Li: This is remarkable. The painter is Chinese.
Du Fu: We don't know if this is correct. We must ask Terence.
Wang Wei: Here he comes now, with two Westerners.
May Li: Hee hee! 'Westerners'. Wang, you ning nong.
Oscar: Mum!
Em: Oscar! Where have you been?
Oscar: I fell in the water at the big fountain. A man tripped me. Hi Terence! Look at this picture.
Terence: Parrots! And a lady.
Vello: Doves, not parrots. Look here, Terence, I've retrieved.....
Oscar: It's your mum.
Terence: No it isn't. But look what the crane........
Smash! Egg meets pith helmet.
Egg slime all over the floor, and a tiny thing, moving.
A guard comes running.
Friday, September 4, 2015
Rainbows And Other False Pretences
The crane flies towards the Palais de Nations.
The crane flies over the grounds.
She spots the Tower of Loneliness.
The roof is missing. She lands on a brick near the top.
Inside the Tower of Loneliness sits an Infant.
The Infant looks up.
What would you like best in the world? asks the crane.
A cushion, says Terence.
In the WORLD? says the crane. Think about it.
A milkshake, says Terence.
What a crap mission, says the crane.
.....
Why is Terence on his own? Where is Oscar, and the Chinese delegation?
They are inside the Palais de Nations, in the beautiful space of the Salle de Pas Perdus.
Think! says May Li. Your mother's room number.
We only came for the day! wails Oscar.
So you DON'T live here, says Du Fu. The small stone boy was lying.
HE used to live in a palace, says Oscar. The tower reminds him of home.
Wang Wei isn't having a bar of it.
THIS is a palace, says Wang Wei. The Tower is too plain to remind him of anything.
.......
Em and Vello have, meanwhile, reached the end of the Jet d' Eau walkway, and come upon Terence's pith helmet, which someone has retrieved and left at the side to dry out.
Dear me, says Vello. This is Terence's helmet.
Oh, no! says Em. That's a bad sign.
Some kids fell in earlier, says a tourist. Straight in, on a bike. But they're both okay now.
Where did they go? asks Em.
Don't know, says the tourist. I wasn't here then. You could ask around though.
Kids went off with the Chinese folk, says a man (who has been there for ages, making a YouTube video, trying to capture a rainbow in the spray from the fountain).
Oh fuck! WHERE TO? screeches Em.
The Palais de Nations, says Vic Stefanu ( his name). Kid's bike is still at the bottom. You might want to.....
But Em has run off, followed by Vello, who has thoughtfully repossessed the pith helmet.
.....
The crane flutters down close to Terence.
The thing is, says the crane, I can't do cushions or milk shakes.
What can you do? asks Terence.
Feathers, says the crane. Eggs and feathers.
Did Grandpa send you? asks Terence.
Is Forster M. Reed your Grandpa? asks the crane.
No way, says Terence.
Then I'm here under false pretences, says the crane.
The crane flies over the grounds.
She spots the Tower of Loneliness.
The roof is missing. She lands on a brick near the top.
Inside the Tower of Loneliness sits an Infant.
The Infant looks up.
What would you like best in the world? asks the crane.
A cushion, says Terence.
In the WORLD? says the crane. Think about it.
A milkshake, says Terence.
What a crap mission, says the crane.
.....
Why is Terence on his own? Where is Oscar, and the Chinese delegation?
They are inside the Palais de Nations, in the beautiful space of the Salle de Pas Perdus.
Think! says May Li. Your mother's room number.
We only came for the day! wails Oscar.
So you DON'T live here, says Du Fu. The small stone boy was lying.
HE used to live in a palace, says Oscar. The tower reminds him of home.
Wang Wei isn't having a bar of it.
THIS is a palace, says Wang Wei. The Tower is too plain to remind him of anything.
.......
Em and Vello have, meanwhile, reached the end of the Jet d' Eau walkway, and come upon Terence's pith helmet, which someone has retrieved and left at the side to dry out.
Dear me, says Vello. This is Terence's helmet.
Oh, no! says Em. That's a bad sign.
Some kids fell in earlier, says a tourist. Straight in, on a bike. But they're both okay now.
Where did they go? asks Em.
Don't know, says the tourist. I wasn't here then. You could ask around though.
Kids went off with the Chinese folk, says a man (who has been there for ages, making a YouTube video, trying to capture a rainbow in the spray from the fountain).
Oh fuck! WHERE TO? screeches Em.
The Palais de Nations, says Vic Stefanu ( his name). Kid's bike is still at the bottom. You might want to.....
But Em has run off, followed by Vello, who has thoughtfully repossessed the pith helmet.
.....
The crane flutters down close to Terence.
The thing is, says the crane, I can't do cushions or milk shakes.
What can you do? asks Terence.
Feathers, says the crane. Eggs and feathers.
Did Grandpa send you? asks Terence.
Is Forster M. Reed your Grandpa? asks the crane.
No way, says Terence.
Then I'm here under false pretences, says the crane.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
The Tower Of Loneliness
We may be wondering if Oscar's mother is worried.
She is. She has realised that Oscar has vanished.
Oh dear, says Em. Did you happen to see where he went?
Yes, says Vello. He went that way, on his bicycle, with Terence on the back rack.
Hmm, says Em. Will he come back here? Or should we follow him?
You know him best, says David.
It's not a question of knowing him best, says Em. It's what is the best course of action?
Does he have a phone? asks Vello. We could call him. Or trace his movements.
Of course not, says Em. He's only eight.
Does he know your number? asks David.
I think so, says Em.
They decide to split up. David will wait outside the ice cream shop.
Vello and Em will follow the unpromising trail.
.......
Forster M. Reed marches out of the ice cream shop. Bumps into David.
Lost them? says Forster M. Reed.
Not all of them, says David. We have lost the two youngest.
Not the Infant? says Forster M. Reed.
Yes if you like, the Infant, says David.
Then fear not, says Forster M. Reed.
He falls to his knees and starts praying.
(forgetting his knees are still wet).
O Lord! Let no harm come to the Infant. That is, I mean, to Yourself. Amen.
His prayers like sparks fly upwards, narrowly missing a crane.
.....
Why didn't you SAY something? says Em, to Vello.
I didn't like to interrupt the poetry competition, says Vello. I realise now that I should have.
Grgrr, grumbles Em.
By now they have reached Lake Geneva.
The fountain! says Em. Oscar would have headed straight for the fountain.
What odds that they've both fallen in?
......
Inside the grounds of the Palais de Nations:
Where can we find your mother? asks May Li. Do you have a room in one of these buildings?
Oscar looks blank.
YES! says Terence, looking. It's THAT ONE!
'That one' looks like a roofless red brick tower with a gaping brick doorway and an open brick window.
Simplicity itself, you might say.
Du Fu looks at his guide book.
This is the Tower of Loneliness, says Du Fu.
Are you sure you live there? asks Wang Wei. It looks more like a symbolic artwork.
Yes. says Terence. We live there.
They approach the Tower of Loneliness.
Oscar likes it. Yes, they might live there. They wouldn't need anything.....except maybe.... a bicycle.
Can we go back to the fountain? says Oscar.
Your mother will take you, says May Li. First let's find her.
They peer through the open door of the Tower of Loneliness.
No one there.
She must have fluttered out for a moment, says Terence.
GONE out, says Oscar. We'll wait. You guys can go now.
Du Fu, Wang Wei and May Li are beginning to feel slightly suspicious.
She is. She has realised that Oscar has vanished.
Oh dear, says Em. Did you happen to see where he went?
Yes, says Vello. He went that way, on his bicycle, with Terence on the back rack.
Hmm, says Em. Will he come back here? Or should we follow him?
You know him best, says David.
It's not a question of knowing him best, says Em. It's what is the best course of action?
Does he have a phone? asks Vello. We could call him. Or trace his movements.
Of course not, says Em. He's only eight.
Does he know your number? asks David.
I think so, says Em.
They decide to split up. David will wait outside the ice cream shop.
Vello and Em will follow the unpromising trail.
.......
Forster M. Reed marches out of the ice cream shop. Bumps into David.
Lost them? says Forster M. Reed.
Not all of them, says David. We have lost the two youngest.
Not the Infant? says Forster M. Reed.
Yes if you like, the Infant, says David.
Then fear not, says Forster M. Reed.
He falls to his knees and starts praying.
(forgetting his knees are still wet).
O Lord! Let no harm come to the Infant. That is, I mean, to Yourself. Amen.
His prayers like sparks fly upwards, narrowly missing a crane.
.....
Why didn't you SAY something? says Em, to Vello.
I didn't like to interrupt the poetry competition, says Vello. I realise now that I should have.
Grgrr, grumbles Em.
By now they have reached Lake Geneva.
The fountain! says Em. Oscar would have headed straight for the fountain.
What odds that they've both fallen in?
......
Inside the grounds of the Palais de Nations:
Where can we find your mother? asks May Li. Do you have a room in one of these buildings?
Oscar looks blank.
YES! says Terence, looking. It's THAT ONE!
'That one' looks like a roofless red brick tower with a gaping brick doorway and an open brick window.
Simplicity itself, you might say.
Du Fu looks at his guide book.
This is the Tower of Loneliness, says Du Fu.
Are you sure you live there? asks Wang Wei. It looks more like a symbolic artwork.
Yes. says Terence. We live there.
They approach the Tower of Loneliness.
Oscar likes it. Yes, they might live there. They wouldn't need anything.....except maybe.... a bicycle.
Can we go back to the fountain? says Oscar.
Your mother will take you, says May Li. First let's find her.
They peer through the open door of the Tower of Loneliness.
No one there.
She must have fluttered out for a moment, says Terence.
GONE out, says Oscar. We'll wait. You guys can go now.
Du Fu, Wang Wei and May Li are beginning to feel slightly suspicious.
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Three Legs Better
The wet tourists get out of the damp yellow boat with weeping Oscar and dripping Terence.
That was amazing! says Du Fu.
Yes, amazing, says Wang Wei. Seven metric tonnes of water in the air at one time.
Powerful, says May Li. But we must now get these children home to the Palais de Nations.
They walk back along the length of the walkway to the road.
Are you cold, little boys? asks May Li.
No, hiccups Oscar.
Yes, says Terence. But at least I'm not crumpling.
He waves his arms in the sunshine.
Crumpling? says Du Fu. Is anyone hungry?
Crumpling is not a dish, says Wei Wang. You are thinking of crumpet.
Or dumpling, says May Li.
Now everyone feels hungry.
They stop at a cafe.
Du Fu orders 'raclette' for five persons, as a cross-cultural culinary experiment.
What will it be?
It turns out to be melted cheese with roasted potatoes, small onions and pickled gherkins.
Epic fail, says May Li. I dislike every one of these ingredients.
Oscar spits out a gherkin.
Terence stretches his cheese.
They leave the cafe and head up the street to the Palais de Nations.
The pavement in front is suspiciously dampish.
Then suddenly, whoosh! multiple spurts of water shoot up underneath them.
Yes, those pesky fountains. Nowadays everywhere has them.
Hee hee! laughs May Li. She is easily pleased (except by cheese and potatoes).
Oscar wipes the snot from his nose, sniffs, gazes up at the sculpture of a giant chair, in front of the gates and the flag poles.
One chair leg is broken.
Ah, broken! says Du Fu. This is no good. One chair needs four legs to hold up one person.
It represents landmine victims, says May Li, who has read it somewhere.
Ah, says Du Fu. If land mine victims had three legs they would be happy.
What are you saying? asks Wang Wei. You are missing the meaning entirely.
Oh! Where are the children? says May Li.
Oscar and Terence have gone up to the gates.
Passports? asks a gate keeper.
Here, says Oscar.
It's wet, says the gatekeeper. And it's for the Big Bang, not for here.
Ask Em, says Oscar. Em's coming.
'M', eh? ! Who's this 'M'? Head of British Intelligence? No way, boys!
Du Fu, Wang Wei and May Li appear, seconds later. Passports ready.
Ah. The Chinese delegation. Mr Du, Mr Wang, Ms Li. Okay go through. Enjoy your visit.
And these children, says May Li. They are coming in with us, to rejoin their mother.
The gatekeeper does not wish to set off an incident.
So he lets them all in together. After all, what can possibly happen?
That was amazing! says Du Fu.
Yes, amazing, says Wang Wei. Seven metric tonnes of water in the air at one time.
Powerful, says May Li. But we must now get these children home to the Palais de Nations.
They walk back along the length of the walkway to the road.
Are you cold, little boys? asks May Li.
No, hiccups Oscar.
Yes, says Terence. But at least I'm not crumpling.
He waves his arms in the sunshine.
Crumpling? says Du Fu. Is anyone hungry?
Crumpling is not a dish, says Wei Wang. You are thinking of crumpet.
Or dumpling, says May Li.
Now everyone feels hungry.
They stop at a cafe.
Du Fu orders 'raclette' for five persons, as a cross-cultural culinary experiment.
What will it be?
It turns out to be melted cheese with roasted potatoes, small onions and pickled gherkins.
Epic fail, says May Li. I dislike every one of these ingredients.
Oscar spits out a gherkin.
Terence stretches his cheese.
They leave the cafe and head up the street to the Palais de Nations.
The pavement in front is suspiciously dampish.
Then suddenly, whoosh! multiple spurts of water shoot up underneath them.
Yes, those pesky fountains. Nowadays everywhere has them.
Hee hee! laughs May Li. She is easily pleased (except by cheese and potatoes).
Oscar wipes the snot from his nose, sniffs, gazes up at the sculpture of a giant chair, in front of the gates and the flag poles.
One chair leg is broken.
Ah, broken! says Du Fu. This is no good. One chair needs four legs to hold up one person.
It represents landmine victims, says May Li, who has read it somewhere.
Ah, says Du Fu. If land mine victims had three legs they would be happy.
What are you saying? asks Wang Wei. You are missing the meaning entirely.
Oh! Where are the children? says May Li.
Oscar and Terence have gone up to the gates.
Passports? asks a gate keeper.
Here, says Oscar.
It's wet, says the gatekeeper. And it's for the Big Bang, not for here.
Ask Em, says Oscar. Em's coming.
'M', eh? ! Who's this 'M'? Head of British Intelligence? No way, boys!
Du Fu, Wang Wei and May Li appear, seconds later. Passports ready.
Ah. The Chinese delegation. Mr Du, Mr Wang, Ms Li. Okay go through. Enjoy your visit.
And these children, says May Li. They are coming in with us, to rejoin their mother.
The gatekeeper does not wish to set off an incident.
So he lets them all in together. After all, what can possibly happen?
Underwater Stares And A Ladder
Lake Geneva, the surface.
Oscar is pulled dripping into the boat.
My bike! cries Oscar, looking demented.
A pith hat floats up to the surface.
My brother, says Oscar, looking sad.
Is he crying, or just dripping faster?
.........
Lake Geneva, the bottom. Terence has landed.
Three Walleyes form a circle around him.
All right, a triangle.
Don't STARE, burbles Terence.
'Stare' means nothing to Walleyes.
Don't what? asks a Walleye.
Stare? says another Walleye. What's that?
What does stare mean? asks the third Walleye.
A Northern Pike overhears him.
A type of ladder, says Northern Pike.
Oh, a ladder. Why didn't he say so?
So the Walleyes now realise that Terence would like to go up to the surface, thanks to the Northern Pike's facility with languages.
Remarkable. It could only happen in Geneva.
And luckily, there is a ladder.
.........
The tourists who have rescued Oscar are worried.
Where is his mother? Where is his bike? More importantly, where is his brother?
Terence's head breaks the surface.
He has climbed up an underwater ladder. It's the ladder that would (obviously) be there at the end of the walkway for maintenance purposes.
Phew, says Terence.
The tourists help him out of the water.
He sees Oscar crying. Boo boo.
Look, boy, says one of the tourists to Oscar. Is this your brother?
It is, but it isn't his bike. Oscar keeps on crying. Big baby.
The tourists start making a great fuss of Terence.
Are you all right, little fellow?
O yes, says Terence. It was just that it was the opposite of what I'm used to. I used to live in a palace.
Aha! You live in the Palais. The Palais de Nations?
Yes, says Terence. That's the one.
With your brother?
Yes, says Terence. We live in the Palais de Nations.
It's not really a lie, more a way of getting away from the fountain.
We'll take you there, say the tourists. It's just down the road. And we were going there anyway.
Terence hopes it is dry.
Oscar is pulled dripping into the boat.
My bike! cries Oscar, looking demented.
A pith hat floats up to the surface.
My brother, says Oscar, looking sad.
Is he crying, or just dripping faster?
.........
Lake Geneva, the bottom. Terence has landed.
Three Walleyes form a circle around him.
All right, a triangle.
Don't STARE, burbles Terence.
'Stare' means nothing to Walleyes.
Don't what? asks a Walleye.
Stare? says another Walleye. What's that?
What does stare mean? asks the third Walleye.
A Northern Pike overhears him.
A type of ladder, says Northern Pike.
Oh, a ladder. Why didn't he say so?
So the Walleyes now realise that Terence would like to go up to the surface, thanks to the Northern Pike's facility with languages.
Remarkable. It could only happen in Geneva.
And luckily, there is a ladder.
.........
The tourists who have rescued Oscar are worried.
Where is his mother? Where is his bike? More importantly, where is his brother?
Terence's head breaks the surface.
He has climbed up an underwater ladder. It's the ladder that would (obviously) be there at the end of the walkway for maintenance purposes.
Phew, says Terence.
The tourists help him out of the water.
He sees Oscar crying. Boo boo.
Look, boy, says one of the tourists to Oscar. Is this your brother?
It is, but it isn't his bike. Oscar keeps on crying. Big baby.
The tourists start making a great fuss of Terence.
Are you all right, little fellow?
O yes, says Terence. It was just that it was the opposite of what I'm used to. I used to live in a palace.
Aha! You live in the Palais. The Palais de Nations?
Yes, says Terence. That's the one.
With your brother?
Yes, says Terence. We live in the Palais de Nations.
It's not really a lie, more a way of getting away from the fountain.
We'll take you there, say the tourists. It's just down the road. And we were going there anyway.
Terence hopes it is dry.
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