Facing Up To A Middle Aged Spider

In Antwerp, Gaius has finished his breakfast. He calls Sweezus.

Hello, says Gaius. Is everything all right where you are?

Yes, says Sweezus. What about you? How are you going?

Not very well, says Gaius. I'm in Antwerp looking for Arthur. He's not answering his phone.

He'll have a flat battery, says Sweezus.

I thought you might be him, says Gaius.

Bad luck, says Sweezus. What did you want him for?

It's silly, says Gaius, but I wanted to tell him how I got my bicycle back. I just took it. Straight out of the kitchen, in front of their eyes. They could do nothing about it, those doctors.

Well done, says Sweezus. I guess you'd normally have got Arthur to do it.

Exactly, says Gaius. But I can't get hold of him, to tell him.

You've told me, says Sweezus.

Yes, says Gaius, but it isn't the same. He's my go-to man.

I know, says Sweezus. Why don't you call Pablo?

Good idea, says Gaius. I'll do that. Well, if that's all.......

No wait, says Sweezus. There is something. The spider.

Of course! says Gaius. The spider! Have you located one?

Thing is, says Sweezus, do you have a contact number for Doctor Wallenius? I need to confirm something.

So you have found one! cries Gaius. What does it look like?

Just normal, says Sweezus. Legs, body, sort of hairy.

Gaius is suspicious.

A new species shouldn't look normal.

He wishes he were there, in Booderee National Park with Sweezus, ensuring a proper identification.

It shouldn't look normal, says Gaius.

Yeah, not totally normal, says Sweezus. Can you give me the number?

No, says Gaius, I don't have the number. But Doctor Wallenius is a biologist at ANU. Try calling the university.

Okay, thanks , says Sweezus. And you try calling Pablo.

I will, thank you, says Gaius. Let me know how you get on.

You too, says Sweezus.

Click.

You told him you'd found one, says Unni. You don't even know where to look.

It's a funnel web spider, says Sweezus. I guess I'm looking for funnels.

I bet those kids find one before you do, says Unni. Look at Mo over there, poking in that hollow log.
Hope she knows to be careful.

Sweezus goes over to where Mo is poking about in a hollow log, not being particularly careful.

Be careful, Mo, says Sweezus. They're poisonous, remember.

Look, says Mo, turning sideways. There's one up my shorts. Oh dear fuck!

Shhhhhh! says Sweezus, looking round to see if Merve or Mark are in earshot.

It's not a real one, says Mo. But look, there's a real one in there.

She points at a torn rag of web inside the hollow log.

Sweezus bends down and looks in.

The beady eyes of a thirty year old five centimetre long female funnel web spider look out.