The Benefits Of Caution

Terence stomps down the steps from the Elephant Rock lookout.

He reaches the Mini just as Barney is getting out.

Barney leans in again to kiss Unni.

Cer-lick! says Terence.

What's that? asks Barney.

My stupid camera, says Terence.

It didn't sound like a camera, says Barney.

Mine doesn't, says Terence. But I got a photo of you kissing Unni.

You only got one of his arse, says the Magpie.

What do you know? says Terence. It's my camera.

Let's see, says Farky, sticking his head out of the back window,

You don't SEE, says Terence. You listen.

Awesome camera, says Barney. No picture. You listen.

Yes, agrees Unni. It'd make a cool app. I might give it a go.

You develop apps? says Barney. Got any others?

Decision dice app, says Unni. Helps you to make a decision. Want to try it?

Yeah, says Barney. I'm trying to decide if I should ask you to stay in Corrumbin.

Really? says Unni. Okay.

I haven't decided to ask you, says Barney.

I know, says Unni. I meant okay you can try my app. Here, press Q, and you get a random one of six ways to consider the question.

Barney presses Q. The dice rolls and stops. The face shows CAUTION.

Caution, says Barney. Okay. Wanna stay till lunch time? We could eat here at the Surf Club.

Sure, say Unni. I'll just make a phone call.

She calls Gaius.

Yes? says Gaius. Unni! When will you get here?

I'll be in Moreton Bay by mid afternoon, says Unni.

I was expecting you last night, says Gaius. Saint Roley and I stayed out in the wetlands until well after midnight. Looking for half molluscs. It was most peculiar. He found several, but I found not a single one.

Wow, says Unni. That is peculiar. What are you doing this morning?

Meeting with the Mayor, says Gaius. I had hoped you would be here.

Well.... says Unni. I suppose....

Not you so much, says Gaius, but Arthur is useful in such situations......

Oh is he? says Unni. Sorry to have to tell you but Arthur's not with me. Only Terence and Farky. Plus my Magpie.

Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius. Then you needn't hurry. I'll see you whenever I see you.

Fine by me, says Unni.

Are we staying? asks Terence.

Till after lunch, says Unni. Maybe longer.

Painful Logic

Early morning, Corrumbin.

The sand is cool, silky and greyish.

Where shall I drop you? asks Unni.

The Alley, says Barney. Where the river meets the ocean. Like you and me.

Nice, says Unni. You're a philosopher.

Everyone is, says Barney.

Not everyone, says Unni. My dad isn't. He's a pastor.

Shit, says Barney.

That wasn't a philosophical reaction, says Unni. Don't worry. I'm on top of dad.

Jeez! says Barney. Okay, so... thanks for the lift. Just drop me here at the Surf Club.

Is this where you'll be working? asks Unni.

Yeah. School holiday program instructor. In charge of the Frothing Grommets, says Barney.

That's such a cute name, says Unni. Frothing Grommets.

What's a Frothing Grommet? asks Terence, from the back seat where he has been training the Magpie to make parrot faces in the mirror.

Little kids learning to surf, says Barney. That's what we call them. I teach them surf safety awareness, stand up procedures, control and manoeuvres and surfboard technology.

What about surfing? asks Terence.

That IS surfing, says Barney. And when they're a bit more advanced they learn wave riding, turning and duck diving. It's cool. You'd like it.

Yay! says Terence. I would like it. Can we stay here?

No, says Unni.

Please! says Terence.

We have to meet Gaius, says Unni. We're already late. And Sweezus said no surfing.

He doesn't know anything, says Terence.

He knows the future, says Farky. Like me.

He does NOT! says Unni. It's impossible.

I guess he knows Terence would sink if he tried to go surfing, says Barney.

Why does everyone SAY that? says Terence.

Because you're made of cement, says Barney. Cheer up. I'll race you to the top of Elephant Rock.

Terence is distracted.

He looks up at Elephant Rock, which is next to the Surf Club, with steps up one side to a look out.

Okay! says Terence.

He gets out of the Mini and heads for Elephant Rock.

I'll give him a head start, says Barney.

Terence races up the steps to the top.

He looks out over the ocean.

There are no Frothing Grommets learning stand up procedures. Not yet.

Way out, he sees a surfer waiting for a wave. No, two.

Where's stupid Barney? Is he still in the car?

He's a rubbish racer.

As Terence watches, the Magpie flies out of the window and lands on the railing beside him.

It would be good if I had my camera, says Terence.

Why? asks the Magpie.

Because I could take a photo of Unni and Barney, says Terence. And a photo of the surfers out there.

What's a photo? asks the Magpie.

A picture, says Terence. Like when you look in the mirror.

This makes no sense to the magpie.

But he did promise Terence a camera. And Terence can't be a Frothing Grommet.

So he wants to be kind.

Cer-lick! says the Magpie. That's a camera.

Where? asks Terence.

The SOUND! says the Magpie. Remember the train noise?

Terence painfully follows the logic.

The Moon Disappears

Three and a half hours to Corrumbin, says Unni. What time is it now?

Two thirty, says Barney.

So, it'll be six o'clock when we get there, says Unni. Maybe this was a stupid decision.

Yeah, maybe it was, says Barney.

Keep me awake, says Unni.

Better than that, says Barney. I'll drive.

Not yet. We'll swap at Yamba, says Unni.

Okay, says Barney. Meanwhile, this'll keep you awake.

He starts singing Barbara Anne

Bar Bar Bar Bar Barbra Anne Bar Bar Bar Bar Barbra Anne, take my ha-a-and...

In the back, Terence repeats it flatly

Take my ha-a-and.

That's nice, says the Magpie.

Thanks, says Terence. See this finger? It's not a real finger. It's a claw.

Terence thinks about Baby BB, his previous parrot, (a Bristlebird), whose claw it was, and who now has his finger because they are blood brothers and last year was Baby BB's first Bristlemas and this year will be his second and this reminds Terence that the magpie has promised him a camera.

How will you get me a camera? asks Terence. There aren't any shops.

But the Magpie is concerned with the claw.

If Terence has one bird's claw, why not another?

He looks in anguish at the mirror.

His doppel-magpie looks anguished as well.

This proves he was right to feel anguished.

(and that he still doesn't really get mirrors)

Farky is sleeping as dogs do, unconcerned with cross currents.

Unni drives, not too fast, because she knows she is tired.

Barney sings Surfin' USA, and Summer Holiday.

Unni can't stand it. Especially Summer Holiday

It keeps her awake.

Now they are in Yamba.

They swap seats. Now Barney is driving.

What will Unni sing to keep Barney awake all the way to Currumbin?

She sings a song to the moon.

Hmmm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hmm, hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hmm, hm-hm-HM-HM-hm, hm-hm....

A song without words.

The moon disappears. It's six am. They arrive in Corrumbin.

Three Will Confuse Him

Headlights light up the Big Banana.

A Mini stops.

Unni gets out.

Get in, guys, says Unni.

Terence and the Magpie climb into the back of the Mini.

Farky is already there.

And in the passenger seat, sits a passenger. It's not Lulu.

Don't say anything, says Unni. Just listen.

Okay, says Terence. But we saw a...

Listen! says Unni.

Have you got a mirror? asks Terence.

Shut up, says Farky. All cars have a mirror.

Where? asks Terence.

There, says Farky, and there, and there's another one.

Three, says Terence. That will confuse my parrot.

Parrot! says the passenger. Does the kid think the magpie's a parrot?

Of course he doesn't, says Unni. Now listen everyone. Change of plan. We're pushing on to Currumbin. This is Barney. We're dropping him there.

Hi dudes, says Barney. What's the deal with the mirror?

We need one, says Terence. I'm going to teach my parrot to look in it.

Magpie, says Barney.

He doesn't have a name, says Terence.

I call him Magpie, says Unni.

But, says Terence, if he looks in the mirror he gets a real name.

Ahem, says the Magpie. Trick is, I have to actually recognise myself in it.

How bloody hard would that be? asks Barney.

European Magpies can do it, says the Magpie. They're the smartest birds ever. But they're corvids. I'm a passerine.

Here's a mirror, says Unni.

She always keeps one in her back pack.

Look, says Terence. That's you.

Don't TELL me, says the Magpie.

Sorry, says Terence. Look again.

The Magpie looks again.

Now, MOVE, says Terence.

The Magpie moves. So does the one in the mirror.

Quardle-oodle-ardle! It's working!

Consequences Not Warnings

What is it? asks Terence.

Red droplets, says the Magpie. Probably a warning.

Terence thinks about warnings, of which he's had many.

None of them looked like red droplets.

Most of them looked like a hand.

The hand of Saint Joseph, raising a hammer in anger.

The long fingers of the Virgin, tapping crossly: Last chance, baby .... three... two... one...

Red droplets are something that drip from the sad eyes of icons, or from Arthur's knees.

Consequences, not warnings....

But the Magpie is flying back to the entrance of the Big Banana, where Farky is waiting.

So Terence follows.

That, says the Magpie, was the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my life.

You should have come with us, says Terence.

Someone had to stay here, says Farky. Someone who could see what was going to happen.

What did happen? asks the Magpie.

We saw red droplets glowing at the end. It was a warning, says Terence.

That's what happened, says Farky.

But did you know that before? asks the Magpie.

Yes, says Farky. My teeth did.

Now what? says Terence.

Go back to the Planto, says Farky.

I suggest we wait here, says the Magpie. Unni and Lulu will come.

You don't know that, says Farky.

Farky can go back, says Terence. We'll wait here.

Okay, says Farky.

Farky runs back to the Planto.

.......

Terence sits at the top of the steps with the Magpie.

Ginger plants and aloes rustle. The night is dark. The scent of banana wafts in and out of their nostrils.

He couldn't talk when I met him, says the Magpie.

Who? Farky? asks Terence.

Yes, Farky, says the Magpie. There are things I would have asked him.

What? asks Terence.

His name, how he got it, says the Magpie.

I know, says Terence.

Silence.

You know that's what I would have asked him, or how he got it? says the Magpie.

Yes, says Terence.

WHAT! says the Magpie, causing a night mouse to scuttle.

Some people on the beach lost him and he ran up to Sweezus. He was called Farquar, says Terence.

Oh, says the Magpie. Farquar. He's lucky, having a name.

Don't you have one? asks Terence.

I'll get one, says the Magpie, when I can recognise myself in a mirror.

Was that a mirror at the end of the Big Banana? asks Terence.

No, says the Magpie. With the benefit of hindsight, I reckon it must have been a fridge.

A Clue To The Future

Terence, Farky and the Magpie stare into the Big Banana.

In front of them is a barrier.

Something glows at the far end.

I'll fly in first, says the Magpie.

First and last, says Farky.

The Magpie flies in.

Floof-floof-whap! The Magpie's wings flap against the walls of the Big Banana.

At the entrance, Farky's tooth stumps tingle.

We're just stumps, say the teeth. Stumps that remember.

My teeth remember what's going to happen, says Farky.

That's rubbish, says Terence. Ask them how we get in.

How do we get in? asks Farky.

The teeth have no answer. It's the wrong question.

The Magpie flies back.

Easy, says the Magpie.

He opens the barrier, from the inside.

Terence enters the Big Banana.

Farky waits at the entrance, for a clue to the future.

But that's between him and his teeth. Let's follow Terence.

Terence follows the Magpie. Floof-whap. Scrack-scrack.

His little cement feet scrape the floor, releasing a faint scent of isoamyl acetate.

The glow at the end of the tunnel grows brighter.

Nearly there, says the Magpie.

Where? asks Terence.

You'll see, says the Magpie.

The glow comes from a humming glass door.

The inside of the glass door is covered in red droplets.

A bottle of raspberry flavoured Powerade has exploded.

At The Dark Entrance

Okay, where is it? says Terence.

Dohno, says Farky.

A man is stumbling out of the Planto.

Which way to the Big Banana? asks Terence.

The man points due north.

Come on, says Terence.

It'll be shut, says the man.

I mean, come on Farky, says Terence.

Go back inside, says the man. Leave the dog here. Find your parents.

Terence pretends he is going to.

The man disappears.

We have to be careful, says Terence.

Moreways, says Farky.

He means always, in the sense that he is now always careful due to the loss of omniscience which dogs him.

Yes, says Terence. There must be more ways. You go first.

Farky has the sense that his 'moreways' has been misinterpreted.

A glimmer of his former omniscience flashes across a tooth synapse. Bing!

.....

Farky leads the way to the Big Banana, keeping close to the tropical bushes.

It's 3.4 kilometres.

Terence is lagging.

Farky stops to pee on an aloe.

Terence catches up.

A car speeds by.

That's it, says Terence.

What? asks Farky.

I need a lift, says Terence.

Not going to happen, says Farky.

Woop! says Terence. You can talk properly.

Farky nods sagely.

It seems that he can.

.....

Eventually they reach the bend on the road where steps lead up to the Big Banana.

There are rocks, ginger plants, palms and aloes. Some grass. And the steps up.

The Big Banana sits at the top of the steps, horizontal.

In the day time you walk through the Banana to enter the Fun Park.

But not now.

Bats flit above the Big Banana.

Terence isn't scared, exactly.

Farky regards the dark entrance.

It's merely an episode, thinks Farky. Soon this will be over.

Quardle-oodle-ardle-wardle-doodle!

That's no bat! It's the brave Magpie, escaped from the shoulder of Unni, who has hooked up with a backpacker and no longer has need of his presence.

Teeth Of Truth

Coffs Harbour, says Unni. Look Terence. The Big Banana!

Woo! says Terence.

What's the job you've got, Lulu? asks Unni.

Giant Slide attendant, says Lulu.

Can we go inside? asks Terence.

No, says Unni. It's closed anyway.

And it's dinner time, says Lulu. Let's go to the Planto.

What's the Planto? asks Unni.

Plantation Hotel, says Lulu. It's a backpackers as well. We might meet some guys there.

What about these guys? asks Unni. She means Terence in particular.

There's a Kidz Zone, says Lulu. It has kiddie cam.

She has been to the Planto before.

You're on, says Unni.

They tie Farky to a bollard outside.

The Magpie is allowed in on Unni's shoulder.

It's Friday night in the Planto, karaoke night.

But first, dinner.

Do you want nuggets, Terence? asks Unni.

No, says Terence. I want to go to the Kidz Zone.

Okay, says Unni. Take the Magpie.

You should keep the Magpie, says Lulu. We might do karaoke.

Unni keeps the Magpie.

The Magpie has to watch her eat salmon fillet with sweet potato chips, broccolini and béarnaise sauce.

He also has to watch Lulu eat garlic prawns with white wine sauce, rice and salad.

Then he has to sit on Unni's shoulder while she and Lulu sing Wuthering Heights.

KathEEE.. EE ..it's MEE... I've come hOOOme......

A couple of back packer guys are approaching.

Unni and Lulu are not even watching the kiddie cam.

........

Let's go back an hour, to when Terence was still in the Kidz Zone.

He waved into the kiddie cam. He made ghoulish faces. He pretended to crawl under the barrier.

No one came.

Terence had triumphed.

He crawled under the barrier, and sneaked out to the front of the Planto, to find Farky.

Come on! says Terence.

Wwuuwuuwegoing? asks Farky.

The Big Banana, says Terence. And don't pretend to be stupid.

Farky isn't pretending.

Umnot, says Farky.

You used to know everything, says Terence. You had all-knowing teeth.

Farky remembers. O yes, he had omniscient teeth once. They were fashioned from the conglomerate clasts embedded in the Omniscient Stone in Gaius's kitchen. The teeth knew who would win the Tour de France. And they knew that when one gains true knowledge there is no division....

(between knower and known)

But now, they are broken, and they don't even know if he ought to let Terence march off down the road in the dark to break into the Big Banana.

Thucked-in!

Found Coffs yet? asks Unni, over her shoulder.

Nearly, says Terence. Just keep going.

Unni pulls up.

I said keep going, says Terence.

You're no better than me, says the Magpie.

He's okay, says Unni. I'm stopping to give a lift to this girl.

A girl with ripped shorts, a bamboo tee shirt, and a back pack.

Need a lift? asks Unni.

Yeah, thanks, says the girl. You going to Coffs?

Yep, says Unni. Get in. I'm Unni, and that's Terence in the back with the dog and the magpie.

I'm Lulu, says Lulu. You're not......weird?

No way, says Unni. But hitch hiking's risky.

I know, says Lulu, showing Unni her knife.

Cool! says Unni. How come you're going to Coffs Harbour?

Terence isn't listening. Coffs HARBOUR would have been useful information for the navigator.

He is wafting the air in the back. We must blame Farky's wild beetroot tonic.

Unni opens a window.

Got a job at the Big Banana, says Lulu. Hey, I love your turquoise hair.

Thanks. It's Manic Panic, says Unni.

Where you heading? asks Lulu.

Moreton Bay, says Unni,

You won't get there before midnight, says Lulu. I've booked a cabin at the Banana Coast Caravan Park. Wanna stay over and head off in the morning?

Sure would! says Unni. I love Coffs. Thanks, Lulu. Hear that, Terence?

He still isn't listening. She explains it again.

Yay! says Terence. We're going to The Big Banana!

No, says Unni, just the caravan park, NEAR the Big Banana.

Thucked-in! says Farky.

You too, whispers Terence.

Farky brightens.

The Magpie's eyes glitter. He looks nervous.

Not you, says Terence.

Coughs On The Map

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Not yet, says Unni, but we're nearly to.... well, where are we, Magpie?

Nearly to, says the Magpie. How should I know?

He's no good, says Terence. I would know.

Can you read maps? asks Unni.

No......yes, says Terence. 

It's not hard, says Unni. We just keep going north, on the Pacific Highway.

Like everyone else is, say Terence.

Not me, says the Magpie. 

To Newcastle, says Unni. And here we are, arriving in Newcastle already.

Newcastle. 

She heads for a cafe she knows.

Estabar, on the beachfront.

We close at four, says Erin. And it's quarter to four-ish.

That's okay, says Unni. We'll just get drinks. What are you guys having?

Red drinks, says Terence.

Try our Summer Kiss Cold Press, says Erin. It's got watermelon and beetroot in it, and lemon and ginger and mint. And your toothless old dog might like our wild fermented beetroot tonic. 

Farky perks up a little.

Sounds good, says Unni.

That'll be twenty three dollars, says Erin.

That's expensive, says Unni.

Luckily magpies drink water. 

Now Terence is in the front, the new navigator.

Magpie is in the back, with Farky.

This is a crap trip, says the Magpie.

Yudohthay! agrees Farky.

Where's the next place? asks Terence.

Coffs, says Unni. See if you can find it.

Terence has no idea how to even start looking for coughs on the map app.

What do they look like? Wind puffs?

Can I just get in the back for a minute? asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Unni. What for?

Nothing, says Terence.

He undoes his seat belt and scrambles over to the back seat with the map app.

Farky and the Magpie are smirking.

Terence whispers a question.

But they don't know what coughs look like either.

The Bottom Of The Half

Unni  has packed a few things in the back of her Mini.

We usually fly, says Terence. It's faster.

I know, says Unni. But we have to take Farky.

And me, says the magpie.

And you, says Unni.

How far is it? asks Terence.

Ten hours drive, says Unni.

And when we get there, will I get the camera? asks Terence.

You'll have to ask the magpie, says Unni.

It's for Christmas, says the magpie. You'll have to wait.

What if I see a spider before that? asks Terence.

I'll eat it, says the magpie.

Get in, guys, says Unni. Terence, you go in the back with Farky. Magpie, you're in the front with me. You can navigate.

I want to navigate, says Terence.

You can be backup, says Unni.

They pile in.

Unni turns the music up loud in the Mini.

Off they go.

.......

Saint Roley has still not decided.

He makes his way back to Gaius.

Any luck? asks Gaius.

Half a mollusc, says Saint Roley.

Odd, says Gaius. Half a mollusc?

Odd things happen these days, says Fay. Climate change is responsible.

Come on, Fay, says Roy. Not for everything.

Are we done here? asks Fay. We need to inspect the proposed koala corridor.

I won't come, says Gaius. I feel I should get to the bottom of the half mollusc.

Up to you, says Fay. I'm sure we'll meet again. Perhaps you'd like to make a submission.

Indeed, says Gaius. I might do that.

Fay and Roy squelch off back to the marina, to look for a tap.

I suppose you've already eaten it, says Gaius.

You bet I have, says Saint Roley.

If you find another one, says Gaius, show it to me first.

Okay, says Saint Roley, realising how awkward it will be if he joins the curlew protection racket.

And how awkward it will be if he doesn't.

Downwards In Sorrow

The endangered wetlands.

Saint Roley splodges off to look for a mollusc.

Splodge, splodge, squelch, squelch.

He spots a Far Eastern Curlew, sucking at something.

He knows it by the beak. Longest beak ever, curving downwards in sorrow.

Any pickings? asks Saint Roley.

Mollusc or two, says the curlew.

Mind if I have a poke about? asks Saint Roley.

Go ahead, says the curlew, but if you find a mollusc, I get half.

What is this? asks Saint Roley.

A protection racket, says the curlew. Half, and you don't get molested.

I'm going off you already, says Saint Roley.

It is how it is, says the curlew. Our habitat is dwindling.

I know, says Saint Roley. See that human over there?

I see three of them, says the curlew. I despise them.

One of them is worthy, says Saint Roley. Two of them only care for filtered views and koalas. But the third is Gaius Plinius Secundus, the famous nat....

I know who he is, says the curlew. He rode in the Tour de France recently.

Did he? says Saint Roley. (He can't remember if he knew that about Gaius).

I was going to say natural historian, says Saint Roley. And activist. And keeper of notes. He taught me all I know about curlews.

Like what? asks the Far Eastern Curlew.

Largest of the world's shorebirds, says Saint Roley. Impressive bill. Female bill longer than the male...

Tell me about it, says the curlew.

Mournful cry, says Saint Roley. I learned how to do it. Cuuuuurlew!

Not bad, says the Far Eastern Curlew. Would you like to join our protection racket? We need a short guy.

Saint Roley is tempted.

He could benefit here from Unni's decision-making dice app.

But she's not here yet.

Those Bloody Koalas

The magpie's idea of a camera is different from Terence's idea of a camera.

The magpie is an excellent mimic. He can do a camera. But his camera has one big flaw.

Terence's idea of a camera is: SNAPPING SPIDERS!

This is a problem for Christmas, however.

Just now, before he sets out with Unni and the magpie and Farky for Brisbane, Terence is happy....

.......

G J Walter Park, near Toondah Harbour.

Gaius has finished his snacks and is about to stand up.

Saint Roley is anticipating a mollusc.....

....when two people with clipboards stroll by, and stop, facing the marina.

So the most frequently asked question, says the first person, is will I still be able to see Stradbroke Island from G J Walter Park?

Of course they will, says the second. Won't they?

Of course they will. The plan allows for filtered views to Stradbroke Island through the marina and foreshore park. See where I'm pointing?

Yes. Yes. All right. Tick that one. What's another?

Those bloody koalas!

Gaius stands up.

Good day, sir and madam. Would I be correct in thinking you're something to do with the Moreton Bay Regional Council Planning Scheme?

In a manner of speaking, says the first person. I'm Fay.

Environmental assessment post preliminary study, says the second. I'm Roy

Gaius Plinius Secundus, says Gaius.

No kidding says Fay. And you've got a pet curlew.

This is Saint Roley, says Gaius. He's not a curlew. He's an oystercatcher.

We're all brothers, says Saint Roley.

It talks, says Fay. That's so clever. Hello Saint Roley, do you want a biscuit?

If I wanted a biscuit, says Saint Roley, I could have had a Cheez Dipper. I'm hanging out for a fresh mollusc.

He is, says Gaius. I sincerely hope he'll be able to find one. The wetlands are to be filled in, I believe.

Only if we say so, says Roy. There are issues.

May we tag along? asks Gaius.

Why not? says Fay.

Towards the pink area, says Gaius.

I thought you said tag along, says Fay. We're doing koalas.

But Saint Roley wants a mollusc, says Gaius. Which is more pressing.

Okay, says Roy.

Off they head towards the pink wetlands.

Which are not really pink.

Thinking Of A Camera

Gaius and Saint Roley have made their way to Toondah Harbour.

They are checking it out.

Gaius has called up a plan of the projected developments on his iphone.

These pink spaces, says Gaius. See?

Saint Roley looks at the pink spaces on Gaius's iphone.

Pink. Humans are weird.

They make their way over to the G J Walter Park behind the marina, and sit on the grass.

Thwack! There's a hundred year old cricket field nearby.

Is there anything to eat? asks Saint Roley.

I believe I have an apple, says Gaius. Let me see.

He empties his back pack on the G J Walter grass.

An apple. A pack of Cheez Dippers. A box of raisins. All from an Emirates snack pack.

Fine for me, says Gaius. But I can see you would prefer a mollusc.

That is true. Saint Roley would prefer a fresh mollusc. It's reassuring that Gaius could see.

Saint Roley reflects that it is pleasant, travelling with Gaius.

He waits for Gaius to finish his apple, Cheez Dipper and raisins after which, he expects, they will make for the endangered pink wetlands.

.......

Back in Sydney, at Unni's house.

You're better off without them, says Belle.

I know, says Unni. I'm happy to help Gaius.

Remind him about the Tour Down Under, says Belle. He needs to be back in Adelaide for the 13th of January.

That's ages off, says Unni. Are Vello and David going in it?

Yes, says Belle. That reminds me. Christmas shopping! What'll I get them?

Terence is listening.

I see your brain ticking over, says the magpie.

How? asks Terence.

When she said Christmas, says the magpie. Your eyes rolled.

I get a scooter, says Terence.

Belle hears that.

Not every year, says Belle. That was last year. This year you may not get anything.

I'll get you something, says the magpie.

A worm, says Terence

I was thinking of a camera, says the magpie.

Take A Risk

The magpie has remained behind, perched on snake boy.

Good to go? asks snake boy.

Thinking, says the magpie.

He thinks. It takes a few minutes.

I've got things to do, says snake boy.

ONE thing to do, says the magpie.

Okay, one thing, says snake boy. But it's intense. I need head space.

Magpie is not ready to go yet, but he makes a concession, and hops across to the snake head.

It's not at all risky. The snake is rigid.

The magpie says what he's been thinking. A question.

What do you think was the lesson?

Take a risk, says snake boy. That was the lesson.

That's what he thought.

The magpie flies off to find Unni.

Snake boy turns back to his snake. He hopes it wasn't paying attention.

.......

Yay! says Terence. My parrot is coming.

The magpie looks around for a parrot.

No wait! The cherub thinks it is him.

That's good, says Unni. Brave magpie!

The magpie is proud of his decision.

........

Back at Unni's.

Okay, says Sweezus. Me and Arthur are heading off for the Gold Coast.

What? says Unni. I thought Gaius was in Moreton Bay.

Yeah, he is, says Sweezus. Tell him good luck with the council.

Oh right, says Unni. And I suppose I'm supposed to take Terence to Moreton Bay too.

NO! says Terence. I'm going surfing with these guys.

Think about it, little dude, says Sweezus. What are you made of?

Cement, says Terence. So what?

So what? says the magpie. Take a risk. That's what I say.

It's not a risk, says Sweezus. It's a certainty. Cement kid on surfboard: goodbye.

It's not fair, says Terence.

You can take Farky, says Sweezus.

You mean I can take Farky, says Unni.

Yeah kind of, says Sweezus. Maybe Gaius'll fix his dud teeth.

Farky looks anguished, as he remembers the Ryobi drill.

.......

I'll ring Gaius, says Belle. Just to see how he's going.

She calls.

Gaius answers.

Belle? Have you any idea when Arthur's arriving?

No, says Belle. How are you and Saint Roley doing?

Wasting time, says Gaius. The council offices are shut. As is the Brain Institute. It appears it's the weekend.

How annoying, says Belle. Well, sit tight. I have good news. Unni is coming to help you.

Excellent, says Gaius.

And she's bringing reinforcements, says Belle.

Good, says Gaius. Ask them to meet us at Toondah Harbour.

Okay, says Belle. Bye now.

Gaius is tickled. Funny of Belle to call Arthur and Sweezus reinforcements. Strange girl. Helpful though. Good at picnics.

Constant Trouble

I might have known they'd be here, says Unni. Magpies are so territorial.

True, I never go beyond Redfern Park, says the magpie.

Now you'll have to, says Terence.

Quardle oodle ardle, says the magpie.

Magnificent bird call, says Unni.

Thank you, says the magpie. But just so you know, I'm not going anywhere.

That's okay, says Unni. You'll be fine without me.

What happened to friends for life? says the magpie.

I'll be back, says Unni, I'm just going to Brisbane for a while, to help these guys.

Cool, says Sweezus.

Wubbuboutmyteeth? mumbles Farky.

Oh yes, I'll have to cancel the dentist, says Unni.

This is good news and bad news to Farky.

Gaius will fix them with fish glue, says Arthur.

That only works if you have the teeth, says Unni. We were going to get implants.

Sheesh! says Sweezus. Implants! That would've cost a motza.

Yeah, says Unni, but I've made quite a bit from my dice app. And my two minute gym app.

Woah! says Sweezus, looking at Arthur.

What's the two minute gym app? asks Arthur.

My other app, says Unni. You exercise using full wine bottles, for two minutes. Good for arms mainly.

You're so inventive, says Belle.

Thanks, Belle, says Unni.

Meanwhile my life's falling apart, says the magpie.

Is it? says Terence.

She's going, says the magpie.

I'm going too, says Terence.

Who cares about you? says the magpie. I'm going to talk to snake boy.

He flies off in the direction of the Baptist fountain, and snake boy.

Terence follows. Farky goes too.

The Baptist fountain spouts water from lions.

Snake boy stands on top, intertwined with a snake.

The magpie lands on snake boy.

Humans, says the magpie. You can't trust them.

I've never had a problem with humans, says snake boy. Can't trust snakes though....

See? says Terence. That's a lesson.

What's the lesson? asks snake boy.

A lesson for this parrot, says Terence.

Hey! Want to swap places? asks snake boy.

No, says Terence.

He stomps back to the others, with Farky, making dents in the grass.

Farky stops to pee on the roots of a fig tree.

It's a nice park, Redfern.

It won a Green Flag Award once, for recreation and relaxation.....

Top Note Squeaking

Farky'll find them, says Unni.

Farky leaps up and down before Sweezus.

Seek! says Sweezus.

Farky sniffs at the ground.

He heads off towards Redfern Park.

.....

Redfern Park.

Terence sits on the grass, watching the magpie.

The magpie is smart. It can hear the sound of grubs and worms, underground.

It pulls a worm up. The worm looks like pink ringed spaghetti.

See this, says the magpie.

Terence comes in closer.

The worm has a face.

Don't eat it, says Terence. It wants to say something.

The worm does want to say something.

But the magpie doesn't want to hear it.

I command you, says Terence.

The worm looks grateful.

No one commands a magpie, says the magpie.

I do, says Terence. I used to live in a palace.

Prrt! says the magpie, snapping the worm in two halves.

One half looks startled.

The magpie swallows the non-startled half.

The other half wiggles away to a grass hole.

I saved you, says Terence.

You saved it, says the magpie.

No, you, says Terence. I saved you from not being allowed to be my parrot.

What? says the magpie. I don't want to be your parrot.

You can do train noises, says Terence.

How do you know? asks the magpie.

On the train, you made them, says Terence.

No, that was the train, says the magpie. Did you really think it was me?

Yes, says Terence, because it was squeaky.

It was one of those trains that are squeaky, says the magpie.

Oh, says Terence. Then forget it. I've got Saint Roley. He's an oystercatcher.

The magpie has never heard of an oystercatcher called Saint Roley.

And he knows most of the saints.

He bets Saint-Roley-Oystercatcher can't make a train noise.

The magpie makes his best train noise, with a convincing top note of squeaking.

A train in Redfern Park!

Several families look up from their picnics.

 Grrr! Woof! Tooly mooly!

Farky bounds up, just as Terence is high fiving the magpie.

Your Gut And Your Enemy

Unni is surprised.

What decision?

First show us how the app works, says Arthur.

Okay, says Unni. Give me a hypothetical dilemma.

Okay, says Sweezus. Which is better, a dog or a magpie?

That's ridiculous, says Unni.

Noolymooly, says Farky. (Meaning: Not in my opinion).

Okay, say Unni. Press here for a perspective to help you to make the decision.

Sweezus presses. The app throws up YOUR GUT.

What's your gut feeling? asks Unni.

Dog, says Sweezus.

Farky drools on his foot.

Right says Unni, now press again.

Sweezus presses. The app throws up the words YOUR ENEMY.

What would your enemy say? asks Unni.

Dog, says Sweezus.

Idiot, says Belle. Your enemy would say bird. You've never liked birds.

Try again, says Unni.

Sweezus presses.

The app throws up YOUR PARENTS.

This isn't working for me, says Sweezus.

I get that, says Unni.

What are the other three perspectives? asks Belle.

DEATH, CAUTION and COURAGE, says Unni. Cool app, don't you reckon? I got the idea from online School of Life. It helps you work towards making the right decision.

Is it popular? asks Belle.

Sure is, says Unni.

Okay, says Arthur. Now you.

Real or hypothetical? asks Unni.

It shouldn't matter, says Arthur. Would you give up your dull boring life with a dog and a magpie eating fermented cabbage in Redfern for the chance to hook up with us again?

In a heartbeat, says Unni.

Who needs an app to decide that?

It's an encouraging answer, and Arthur doesn't wreck it by telling her that the only one she is required to hook up with at present is Gaius.

Where's Terence? asks Belle.

He went outside with the magpie, says Arthur.

Crikey, says Belle.

Everyone rushes outside.

There is a street and a footpath, one or two people, three parked cars, various bicycles, a letter box, a straggly street tree, but no evidence of a magpie.

And no Terence.

Train Noise

On the train back to Sydney Central.

Terence is thinking about his surprise.

Unni had whispered something that sounded like sparky.

Sparky.

But it's a surprise. So he can't ask again.

Terence has no one to talk to, all the grown ups are talking.

How expensive it is living in Sydney, even in Redfern.

Who cares? Baldy wouldn't. Nor would Saint Roley.

The magpie glares at Terence, from the rim of Unni's back pack.

It's making a train noise.

Either that or it's really a train noise.

.....

On the train out to Redfern.

The same.

.......

At Unni's house in Redfern.

Get ready for a surprise, says Unni.

She opens the front door.

Sweezus wasn't expecting the surprise to be relevant.

But freaking shitbricks!

A dog bounds up. Farky!

Swooly! drools Farky.

It's drooling, says Arthur.

Yeah, he lost his omniscient teeth some time back, says Unni. I have to feed him on Kimchi.

But he's seeing a dentist.

......

Later.

Everyone has to eat Kimchi, which is all Unni's got. It's not dog food.

It's fermented cabbage.

.......

Terence is disgusted. There was no Sparky. Just dumb old Farky.

The magpie's eyes glitter with schadenfreude.

It hops up to Terence.

Enjoying the Kimchi?

It stinks, says Terence.

It's cabbage, says the magpie. I only eat worms. I think I can hear one in the garden.

Stupid magpie. There is no garden.

Terence follows the magpie out into the street.

Sweezus and Belle don't notice. They are making a big fuss of Farky.

Arthur notices, but continues eating the Kimchi. It's not bad. Cabbage, radish, scallions, garlic, chili and ginger. Washed down with Kombucha (fermented tea).

Unni is explaining her disruptive dice app.

Six sides, says Unni. Six perspectives. I'll demonstrate. Does anyone have to make a decision?

You do, says Arthur.

Bird Of The Year

Unni has changed.

Her legs are longer, or appear so. Her hair is bright blue.

On her back is a back pack with a magpie's head peering out.

The magpie looks like a bird that has just won the lottery.

Unni! says Belle, embracing her friend. You look gorgeous.

Manic Panic, says Unni.

Yeah, what's Manic Panic? asks Sweezus.

This colour, says Unni patting her hair. It's actually turquoise. Oh wow! Hello Terence! No parrot?

Terence knows he has no parrot.

Stupid Unni.

But maybe she's brought him a present. A black and white magpie parrot. He waits hopefully.

Unni is attempting to throw her arms around Arthur. Arthur is backing away.

Same old Arthur, says Unni. Scabs and all.

Can't say the same about you, says Arthur.

You mean this magpie? says Unni. It's my pet magpie. She takes off her back pack and sets it down.

The magpie hops out and struts about. A crowd gathers.

Congratulations! says a man in a Vans tee shirt.

A well deserved win, says a woman in a pork pie straw hat.

I voted for the ibis, says a teenager with ripped shorts on.

Quardle oodle ardle! says Unni's magpie.

Won Australian Bird of the Year. We just heard this morning, says Unni. He's up himself now.

Terence squats to see where the magpie is up himself.

We're out of the loop, says Belle. Didn't even know there was a competition.

Yeah, there was, says Unni. Online voting. Magpie won. Not this one, the species, but you can't tell him that.

Unni's magpie beams beatifically and performs a few dance steps.

Wicked, says Sweezus. So what are you doing in Redfern?

This and that, says Unni. Disruptive technology mainly. I've developed this decision making dice app.

Cool, says Sweezus. How's that work?

It uses six different perspectives, says Unni. Helps you to make a decision. But you guys look wiped. Why don't you come back to my place?

Okay, says Belle. Okay guys?

Yeah, says Sweezus. Arthur?

Sure, says Arthur.

Terence can't wait any longer.

Is this my present? asks Terence.

Unni's magpie's eyes turn cruel and glassy. Unni says no.

But, says Unni, there's a really cool surprise back at my place.

What? What? cries Terence.

She bends and whispers something to Terence.

But it's noisy in the International Terminal, and he doesn't hear it.

Changing

Time for landing

The six hours has passed.

Saint Roley knows almost as much as Gaius about the Far Eastern Curlew.

Terence does not.

The plane lands in Sydney.

Everyone gets off.

What time is our flight to Brisbane? asks Gaius.

It's been cancelled, says Arthur.

Has it? says Belle.

Curses, says Gaius. When's the next one?

Arthur goes to find out. There's one seat available on the next one. Gaius can have it, if he likes.

He will have it. He goes to the counter.

He returns to the baggage carousel.

Seizes his bicycle flat pack.

Right. Saint Roley! You're coming with me.

Wah! says Terence.

His knowledge is essential, says Gaius. Yours isn't. Anyway we will soon be reunited. You, Arthur and Sweezus will no doubt be on the next flight available, whenever it is.

Sure, says Arthur. Whenever it is. But you've only got thirty minutes.

Gaius heads off to the shuttle bus, between Terminal One International and Terminal 2/3.

Six dollars for the shuttle bus! Outrageous!

I could fly, says Saint Roley.

What good would that do, grumbles Gaius.

Belle retrieves her luggage, and phones Unni.

Unni! It's me. I've just arrived in Sydney from Paris. Yes, with Sweezie. Yeah, he's good. Ha ha. Yes and Arthur, but they're heading off ....oh wait, Arthur says they're not going... not yet.....okay that would be lovely. We'll just sit tight here then. At Coast Café. See you in an hour.

She's coming to the airport to meet us, says Belle.

Thought she would, says Arthur.

Unni is excited. She catches the train to Sydney Central. Then takes the Airport line.

Gets off at International, and heads to Coast Café.

Guys! says Unni.

Unni? says Belle.

She's changed since they last saw her.

Living in Sydney, you do.

Remembrance Of Lost Time

On Emirates flight 414 non-stop to Sydney, time passes slowly.

Gaius gets up to go to the toilet.

He meets Arthur, coming back.

Both Terence and Saint Roley can now identify a Far Eastern Curlew, says Gaius.

That's good, says Arthur.

Belle won't be coming with me to Brisbane, says Gaius. I'll need you.

Sure, says Arthur.

Nor will he be coming. But it's the wrong time to mention it now.

The lunch trolley is edging its way up the aisle.

I'm just off to the toilet, says Gaius. Make sure I get my roast turkey.

Okay, says Arthur.

Gaius continues to the toilet.

What would he do without Arthur?

Drat. There's quite a queue.

.......

When he gets back to his seat, Belle hands him a paper napkin.

They took it away, says Belle. I grabbed this. Terence pulled apart your lemon cranberry cake looking for a cranberry, and Saint Roley claimed the chicken sausage.

Have it, says Saint Roley. I don't like it.

Gaius debates whether to eat the chicken sausage, which has multiple peck holes.

Wisdom says not.

He unfolds the paper napkin. Three thick slices of roast turkey, their meaty scent tantalising his nostrils. Lunch fit for the gods.

He taps Arthur, directly in front of him.

Thank you, Arthur.

(It was Belle who saved the roast turkey slices, not Arthur. But hey!)

Belle doesn't mind. She will soon be in Sydney phoning Unni, who now lives in Redfern. She hasn't seen Unni for ages.

Belle tips her seat back and thinks about Unni.

Unni wasn't always cool. She lived under the thumb of her father the Reverend Ray Moon. He wouldn't even let her have a boyfriend. But Unni escaped from her father. Moon followed her to Adelaide, but by then she'd hooked up with Surfing-With-Whales.

She broke up with Surfing-With-Whales. She was a super fast cyclist. Rode with Sweezus and Arthur in the Tour Down Under. Then her dad lost his congregation and Unni went back to Blaxland to take over. It was too easy. The congregation knew she knew Sweezie. So what she said was gospel. She soon became bored, started a business. What was it...? Herbals? Bet she's not doing herbals in Redfern.

Belle falls asleep to the hum of the engines, and the chanting of Saint Roley who is committing to memory the proper name of the Far Eastern Curlew: Numenius madagascariensis.

 She wakes up. Only six hours to landing.

Staring At Clouds

Curloooo! says Terence.

No. Cuuuurlew! says Saint Roley. It has to sound sad.

Cuuuuuuuuuurlooooo! says Terence. Was that sad?

Can I help you? asks the flight attendant.

No, thank you, says Gaius. They're just practising bird calls.

Ah, says the flight attendant. Well, I've had some complaints. Would you mind asking them to be quiet?

Certainly, says Gaius. They'll study quietly.

Thank you, says the flight attendant. Are you a bird watcher?

Natural historian and activist, says Gaius. My team here is heading to Brisbane to lobby the Moreton Bay council. Their projected development is set to further endanger the Far Eastern Curlew.

Really? says the flight attendant. Well, good luck with that. Can I get you a tea or coffee?

Water, please, says Gaius

I'll have a coffee, says Belle.

She has been staring out of the window, at clouds.

She has been thinking about what will probably happen in Sydney.

Arthur and Sweezus will disappear. They'll fly to Coolangatta and go surfing.

Gaius will affect some surprise. Then he will wonder how he will cope without Arthur. Who'll find his pencils? Obtain a sharp knife?

And she'll be the one everything falls to. Including Terence.

Terence. What a handful.

Look at him now. Smeared with red jam. Where did he get it? Trying a surreptitious bird call. Curloooo! And he hasn't got the tone right. He'll need coaching.

Gaius, says Belle. I've been thinking about stopping in Sydney for a while. I'd like to catch up with Unni.

Unni Moon! says Gaius. Oh, all right. Remember me to her. And her father.

Sweezus isn't wearing his head phones.

Fuck, says Sweeus, under his breath.

Arthur is wearing headphones, listening to Young Dumb and Broke.

Sweezus leans over and lifts them.

Fuck! says Sweezus, again.

What is it? says Arthur. Missing the jam?

Worse, says Sweezus. Belle just told Gaius she's not going to Brisbane. Know what that means?

Not really, says Arthur.

Gaius is gonna freak out when we head for the Gold Coast, says Sweezus. He won't have any team left.

He'll have Saint Roley, says Arthur.

Yeah, says Sweezus. And Terence.

Chill out, says Arthur We can fix this. What's Belle doing in Sydney?

Seeing Unni, says Sweezus.

Already fixed, then, says Arthur.

Glad you think so, says Sweezus. Geez! When do we get there?

Arthur doesn't know. Ten more hours?

He wonders how Unni looks now.

Possession Dispossession

He's got TWO! says Terence.

Try and think like a grown up, says Sweezus.

Terence tries.

Saint Roley has a Mia and a Savannah. That's not fair. But Saint Roley is Terence's parrot.

If my parrot owns two things, says Terence, they're really mine, right?

Yep, says Sweezus.

So I've got four things, says Terence.

Pretty much, says Sweezus.

Terence stands up in his seat.

This is weird. He can see the head of Saint Roley.

He taps it.

What? says Saint Roley.

How come you're up so high? asks Terence.

I'm standing on my toys, says Saint Roley. My Mia and my Savannah.

Which one is on the bottom? asks Terence.

Mia, says Saint Roley.

They're actually both mine, says Terence.

I don't think so, says Saint Roley.

Because you're my parrot, says Terence.

That's not what it says on my Parrot Passport, says Saint Roley.

Terence sits down, temporarily defeated.

Saint Roley continues standing.

There is a good reason Savannah is on top. She's a grey fluffy elephant, and her trunk sets Saint Roley off balance when she's on the bottom.

There is also a good reason why Saint Roley needs extra height at the moment.

Gaius is boning him up on the Far Eastern Curlew.

So, says Gaius. What do we know?

They have the longest beak ever, says Saint Roley.

What shape is it? asks Gaius.

Curving downwards, says Saint Roley.

And what is that like? asks Gaius.

Like their population numbers, says Saint Roley. Sad to say, but it's an apt image.

It is indeed, agrees Gaius.

Saint Roley will be a great asset, thinks Gaius. He sees the big picture.

Terence is sitting solidly, thinking.

Somebody else owns Saint Roley.

Probably a grown up. Everyone has to be owned by a grown up.

The flight attendant brings Sweezus his breakfast. Yogurt, scrambled egg, blueberry pancake, a croissant with butter and jam.

And then Arthur's breakfast.

Arthur wants his seat back.

Terence has to go back to the seat that he shares with Saint Roley.

Here, little dude, says Sweezus. Take my jam pack.

Red jam!

If Terence has to be owned by someone he hopes it is Sweezus.

The seat is crowded with cushiony toys, as well as Saint Roley.

Terence squeezes in with his Mia and his jam pack.

Saint Roley is practising a mournful cry: Cuuuurlew!

And Gaius is saying: Well done.

The Dry Cleaned Impostor

The plane lands in Dubai.

This is awful, says Belle. Ninety minutes. A bit tight, don't you think?

We can do it, says Sweezus.

What's ninety minutes? says Gaius.

All the time we've got here, says Belle.

Excellent says Gaius. I dislike waiting in airports. What do you think, Terence?

Giraffe! says Terence.

We may not have time to visit Giraffe, says Belle.

......

Giraffe (an airport café).

Terence: And something for Mia.

Arthur: It's a toy.

Saint Roley: Mine isn't hungry.

Terence: Mine is too thin.

Arthur: Because you took out the blanket.

Saint Roley: I didn't. I kept mine in.

Arthur: Finish your red drinks.

Terence: I can't drink fast.

Arthur: I'll screw the lid on.

Terence: I'll do it.

........

A trail of red spots follows Terence, Arthur and Saint Roley to the boarding gate.

Terence hasn't properly screwed the lid on.

.......

There you are ! says Belle. You only just made it. Terence! What's happened to your Mia?

The blue manta ray fluffy toy Mia is red and wet at the bottom.

.....

Oop! says the boarding pass inspector. You can't bring that on.

Wah! says Terence.

But he can't bring it on.

.......

On board Emirates flight 414 from Dubai to Sydney.

Now Terence, says Belle, grow up and stop sulking. Would you like to sit next to Sweezus?

YAY! says Terence.

The flight attendant floats by in her red hat with the floating veil, floating.

Toy? says the flight attendant.

No thanks, says Sweezus.

For the child, says the flight attendant. Perhaps a Savannah?

He wrecked the last one, says Sweezus. Got red sticky stuff all inside it.

Oh dear, says the flight attendant. Was it a Savannah?

It was a blue fluffy manta ray thing, says Sweezus.

A Mia! says the flight attendant. I'm with you. Guess what?

What? says Terence.

It's been dry cleaned, says the flight attendant. Here is your Mia,

She hands Terence a Mia.

Terence knows she is lying.

Because it's not thin.

But he is sitting next to Sweezus. Normally that wouldn't happen. Sweezus always sits next to Arthur. They talk about cycling and surfing and writing and how they can get money. But now it's just him.

Thank you, says Terence, accepting Mia, the dry cleaned impostor.

My pleasure, says she, smiling sweetly at Terence and Sweezus.

For the first time in his life Terence feels like a grown up. He has not made a fuss.

But it only lasts a few seconds, because guess what?

Saint Roley has got a Savannah.

Four Eyes In Reality

Arthur shoves the bird puzzle in front of Sweezus. Points to the birds' double eyes.

Tell THEM, says Sweezus, waving backwards, eyes on his in flight movie.

(Carol is in bed with Therese. They are kissing, among other things, in soft focus).

Arthur gets up, with the puzzle. Edges past Sweezus and stands in the aisle beside Terence.

Spotted it? says Gaius.

The eyes, says Arthur. Two on the same side.

Let's see, says Belle. Ooh yes, that's kind of arty. Look, Terence.

What? says Terence.

The birds have two eyes showing on the same side of their beak, says Belle.

So what? says Terence.

So WHAT? says Saint Roley. It's wrong. Do you know what that means?

It means, says Arthur, that if they were real birds they'd have four eyes.

Four eyes, says Saint Roley. Now do you see?

But it's just a puzzle, says Belle And that's not even the question.

What's not the question? says Arthur.

What's wrong with this picture? says Belle.

I just told you, says Arthur.

Ha ha, says Terence. He just told you.

I mean the task is, to find four birds the same as the ones in the bird book, says Belle.

No one told me, says Arthur. That should be easy.

True, says Gaius. That is the task. Terence, can you do it?

No, says Terence.

It's an insult, says Saint Roley.

Then I'll do it, says Gaius.

He doesn't like to see a puzzle unfinished.

A black bird with a yellow beak, a red bird with an orange beak, a blue bird with a pink beak and an orange parrot with a red wing. Their doubles are easily spotted.

Gaius completes it in seconds.

Arthur has gone back to his seat, squeezing past Sweezus.

(Carol is speaking to the lawyers, in the presence of her husband. Giving up the rights to her child, rather than continue to fight a damaging custody battle. We are better than that, says Carol, ).

You should watch this, says Sweezus.

Whats it about? asks Arthur.

Women bonking, says Sweezus.

This puts Arthur off.

What's Wrong With These Birds?

Lunch service is over. Three more hours to Dubai.

Sweezus is watching an in flight movie.

Arthur composes a poem in his head.

Delirium and slow rhythms under the streaking of daylight.....

Gaius wakes up and feels peckish.

Here, have some of these, says Belle. Lunch came and went while you were sleeping.

She hands him a kids' pack of alphabet biscuits, and some Cheez Dippers.

Thank you, says Gaius. Is this what you had?

No it's Terence's, says Belle. I had the chicken in yogurt sauce with red peppers..

Gaius looks regretful, as he opens the pack of Cheez Dippers.

Complimentary drinks? asks the flight attendant. Red or white wine, beer, juice, tea or coffee?

Gaius is determined to get something for his money. He asks for a beer.

Aah, that's better. And Belle has found a packet of raisins in the kids' snack box.

He looks over at Terence and Saint Roley who are sharing a puzzle.

Enjoying the flight boys? asks Gaius.

We're doing a puzzle, says Terence.

Bird spotting, says Saint Roley.

You should be good at that, says Gaius.

I thought so, says Saint Roley. But these birds are rubbish.

What's the problem? asks Gaius. Show me.

NO! says Terence. It's not for grown ups.

It's for bird spotters, says Saint Roley.

Indeed, says Gaius. And I'm a bird spotter. Show me the puzzle.

Terence shows him the puzzle.

I see, says Gaius. This is your bird book, in the corner, with four birds illustrated. And this is the jungle, full of many different birds, four of which are the same as the ones in the bird book.

Terence looks bored. He's figured out that much.

Gaius opens the alphabet biscuits.

They're OURS, says Terence.

You didn't want them, says Belle. You only wanted tomato juice, remember?

Okay, says Terence.

There is something wrong with these birds, says Gaius, the bird spotter.

We know, says Saint Roley.

Gaius taps Sweezus on the shoulder.

Sweezus looks over his seat. What is it?

What's wrong with these birds? It's a puzzle.

Sweezus is in the middle of an engrossing movie about female relationships. His mind is elsewhere.

He grabs the puzzle and shoves it at Arthur.

What's wrong with these birds?

Arthur welcomes the interruption. His poem is finished.

The birds are depicted in profile. Beak to one side. You might expect one eye to be visible. But no, you see two.

Mia One Mia Too

Charles de Gaulle airport.

Emirates flight E72 to Dubai has boarded.

Now Terence, says Belle, this will be a long flight. Seven hours forty minutes. Can you sit quietly?

Yes, says Terence. Do you want to know why?

Why? asks Belle.

Because I've got NO ONE TO TALK TO, says Terence. No Baldy.

You're not the only one, says Saint Roley. I've got no brother.

Toy? asks the flight attendant, stopping by with a toy box.

Thank you, says Belle. Look, Terence. Look, Saint Roley. An alligator, a bear, an elephant or a manta ray?

The manta ray is called Mia, says the flight attendant, picking one up.

She hopes Terence will choose a Mia. She has an excess of Mias.

Mia, says Terence.

Mia too, says Saint Roley.

We don't normally give toys to birds, says the flight attendant. But today, you are lucky.

Terence and Baldy both receive fluffy blue manta rays.

Have you looked at the lunch menu? asks the flight attendant. You might want to put in your order.

 Sweezus and Arthur are already looking. They've missed breakfast.

They order braised beef with rosemary.

Gaius has fallen asleep. Blame the fish glue.

I'll order for Gaius, says Belle. We'll both have the chicken.

The flight attendant writes it all down.

I'll bring the the children an activity pack and a snack box, she says as she swishes away with the toy box to find the next child.

Terence examines his Mia. She has a back pocket. If you stick your hand in, there's a folded up blanket inside.

He pulls out the blanket. Now his Mia looks thin.

I've got my own parrot passport, says Saint Roley, to his Mia.

Saint Roley's Mia has travelled widely (back and forth in the toy box) and knows that he isn't a parrot.

But you meet all sorts on the way to Dubai.

.....

Lunch time. The lunches are edging their way slowly up the plane.

Sweezus and Arthur get their lunches first.

An appetiser of Moroccan chickpea salad with feta, followed by slow braised beef and mashed potatoes, with a triple chocolate delice for dessert.

Belle gets her chicken in yogurt sauce with broccoli and red peppers. Terence and Saint Roley have snack boxes, pencils and puzzles. But they don't eat the snacks.

Gaius sleeps on, dreaming of tiny pieces of china.

Belle doesn't like to wake him.

The staff are trained not to wake anyone who is sleeping.

So Gaius misses out on his lunch.

Okay. Have It!

Gaius and Terence have stayed up all night, mending the poodle with fish glue.

It's like a jigsaw.

The flower pattern on the shoulder is helpful, says Gaius. The body is coming along nicely

Terence kisses the head.

That's sweet, Terence, says Belle.

She checks the time on her phone.

Yikes! We need to get going! Wake up, Sweezie! Arthur!

They wake up. They were only half asleep anyway, thanks to the fish glue.

Saint Roley is fluttering about. Where's my parrot passport?

I've got it, says Belle. Now, who wants to pop down and say goodbye to Baldy?

Ah, says Gaius. Whoever's going, would they mind retrieving my beetle blood sample tissue? I was planning to show it to Simone, and I took it out of my back pack but she would keep on talking so I put it down on the coffee table, but failed to remember to pick it up as I was leaving.

Gaius! says Belle. It's a bloody tissue. How will that look to Simone! I'll go. Coming Terence?

Yes, says Terence. And I'm bringing my head.

I'll come too, says Saint Roley.

Belle knocks on the door of number 27. Simone opens.

Belle! says Simone. Come in. Baldy! Terence is here!

Baldy comes running. And stops.

Terence is holding the smiling head of the poodle. It must be a present.

Baldy holds out his arms for the present.

He's not dead, says Terence. He's getting mended.

I don't mind. I'll just have the head, says Baldy. You're my BEST cousin. You knew I didn't mean it.

Mean what? asks Terence.

That I didn't want it because it would make me sad, says Baldy. I do want it. It will remind me of our mission.

Well, says Terence, we really only came here to get Gaius's tissue.

Simone is getting Belle a glass of fresh orange juice.

Belle is looking around the room for Gaius's tissue.

How about you boys? says Simone. I have some cranberry cordial somewhere.

Terence and Baldy are negotiating poodle parts, and not listening.

Yes, says Belle. That's what they would like.

Saint Roley has spied a crumpled tissue under the coffee table.

He dives under, and draws it out with his beak.

Belle sees it, and is about to pick it up when Simone grabs it.

Oh how disgusting. says Simone. I'll get rid of it.

She runs to the bathroom and flushes the tissue down the toilet.

So much for that. Perhaps it was Gaius's tissue. Perhaps it wasn't. Belle doesn't feel like pursuing it now.

All right, says Terence. You can have the body. I'll have the head.

I want the head, says Baldy. It's always smiling.

At me, says Terence. He turns the head slightly.

Say goodbye boys, says Belle. You may not see one another for ages.

We haven't finished our drinks, says Terence.

Hurry, says Belle. We're catching the metro to the airport.

That will take forever, says Simone. Take the shuttle.

No kidding, says Belle. There's a shuttle?

Yes, from the Mistral direct to the airport, says Simone.

Great, says Belle. I'll check it out. Okay boys. This it it.

Goodbye cousin who I thought was the best cousin ever, but he wasn't, says Baldy.

OKAY! says Terence. Have it!

So Baldy gets the poodle head to help him remember that Terence was the best cousin ever.

The Smiling Head

Crash!

Belle wakes up.

Sweezus turns the light on.

It's the poodle, says Arthur. It's broken.

Who the hell put it there? mutters Sweezus.

I did, says Belle. Terence didn't like it in the corner. And watch where you're treading!

Terence has been watching in horror.

My poodle! cries Terence. It's DEAD.

It's not dead, says Belle. It's in pieces. We'll pick them all up and see if we can stick them back together.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Anyone got any glue?

Gaius always has bull glue, says Arthur. Or fish glue. The Romans used it.

Yeah, I know, says Sweezus. And it stinks.

I don't want my poodle to stink, says Terence.

What's up? says Saint Roley. What will stink?

NOTHING! says Terence. I don't want this to have happened!

The head of the poodle lies on the carpet, still smiling upwards and sideways, although upwards and sideways are not the same as they were.

The head of the poodle also doesn't want this to have happened.

But it isn't an option.

Where is Gaius? asks Sweezus.

Room 27, says Belle. If you're going, remind him we have to leave really early to catch the metro to Charles de Gaulle airport.

I'll go, says Arthur.

He goes.

Sweezus picks up pieces of poodle, and shoves them into a long cardboard tube.

Only the smiling head is too large to fit.

Terence sits on the floor and cradles the smiling head of his poodle.

Arthur knocks on the door of room 27.

No answer. He knocks louder.

What is it? says Simone, opening the door. Oh it's you! Gaius and I were just having a quiet drink and discussing the concept of authenticity. Well, I was.

I've come for some fish glue, says Arthur. Or bull.

Come in then, says Simone. Gaius! Arthur is here for some glue!

Arthur! says Gaius. Am I needed elsewhere?

No.... says Arthur. Terence's poodle is broken. We just need your glue.

That ugly poodle! says Simone. From the Flea Market? Why do you bother to fix it?

I wouldn't says Arthur.

Nor would I, says Simone. It was not authentic.

Even if it was, says Arthur, it's not now.

That may be, says Gaius, but no doubt Terence's feelings are authentic. I shall come at once, if Simone will excuse me.

But I was so looking forward to learning more about Australian shorebirds, says Simone.

Unfortunately we must cut short our evening, says Gaius. Thank you for your kindness and conversation, and your pleasant red wine. Good night, Simone.

Good night, Gaius, says Simone.

She contemplates Arthur. Should she perhaps offer......?

Good night, says Arthur.

The door shuts on Simone.

Phew! says Gaius. Shades of Margaret! Thanks, Arthur.

The Fluidity Of Existence

Sweezus has got over being ripped off.

He orders a caramel crepe. It arrives, very crisp at the edges.

Under the table, Terence and Baldy have stopped being chickens.

The only bird left is Saint Roley.

Simone kicks him, accidentally.

Ouch! says Saint Roley. Someone kicked me.

Not me, says Belle sticking her head under the table. Come out guys, we're leaving in a minute.

So this is goodbye, says Sartre, trying not to look jubilant.

For you maybe, says Simone. Gaius is sleeping with me.

I am? says Gaius. Oh yes, I'm in your room at the Mistral. I must pick up my things first.

Room 27, says Simone. Knock twice when you get there. I'll let you in.

She pays the bill, and leaves with Sartre, and Baldy, her little Parisien.

Sweezus has finished his crepe. He feels like another. And more organic cider.

So does Arthur.

They stay.

.......

Belle and Gaius return to the small room at the Mistral, with Terence, Saint Roley, and Terence's poodle.

Baldy didn't say goodbye, says Terence.

Nor did you, says Belle. We'll pop in and say goodbye in the morning. Now where shall we put this poodle?

I'll leave it to you, says Gaius. Right, back pack, notebook, pencil, sharpener, Council Planning Scheme. I'm off to room 27. See you in the morning.

Bye, says Belle. Have a good night.

Gaius leaves, and Belle places the poodle in a corner.

He doesn't like it in the corner, says Terence.

Since when do you know what he likes? asks Belle.

I don't, says Terence. I know what he doesn't like.

Chill out, Terence, says Belle. It's been a long day.

She moves the poodle.

She's right, it has been a long day.

.........

Much later:

Sweezus and Arthur stumble into the small room at the Mistral.

Crash! Something smashes.

......

Earlier, in Room 27.

Gaius: I didn't realise.....

Simone: Jean Paul and I have always had separate apartments.

Gaius: Never mind. You go to bed. I'll work in the corner. There's enough light coming in from the street lamp.

Simone: Nonsense. You must keep the light on. Baldy's asleep. We can chat.

Gaius: But...

Simone: You know, it's a great pleasure for me having Baldy. I never had any children. Jean Paul....

Gaius: Ahem...this is not.... yes Baldy is a fine little fellow. He read through my notes on the Moreton Bay Council Planning Scheme, looking for references to shorebirds.

Simone: Did he really? Clever little boy. Did he find any?

Gaius: No, that's the point! Soils, advertising devices, bushfires, neighbourhood hub, economic impact, extractive industry.....

Simone: Yes of course, but...

Gaius: No mention of .....

Simone: Shorebirds. I see. Would you like a hot chocolate? I made one for Baldy but he didn't drink it

Gaius: No thank you. And I'm not surprised he didn't drink it.

Simone: Why do you say that?

Gaius: He and Terence prefer red drinks. They both began their lives in cathedrals.

Simone: Oh. I see. Well Baldy has much to learn. Including the fluidity of existence.

Gaius: Hm.

Simone: Speaking of which, shall I crack open a bottle?

Gaius: I had hoped for an evening of quiet industry.

Simone: The two are not incompatible.

Seeing Things Differently

Jean Paul Sartre chews on an oily slice of potato, tasting of ham.

Simone is going on about Art.

In order to have a world to express, says Simone, the artist must be a part of the world, which includes the oppressed and the oppressor.

Heavy, says Sweezus. I paid fifty euro for this.

Waste of money, says Gaius.

And she included the poodle, says Sweezus. Where's the evil?

Everything which has previously happened, says Sartre. Isn't that so, Beaver?

Simone doesn't like it when Sartre answers for her.

The artist must find the freedom within himself, says Simone.

Herself, says Sweezus.

....to make reasons manifest, says Simone.

Chocolate crepe anyone? asks Belle.

Me, says Arthur.

Sweezus would too, normally.

But he is pissed off. His painting cost fifty euro. He got a free poodle. Not that he wanted the poodle. It's not his poodle. Come to think of it, it was Morgane's idea. He never asked for the poodle. Maybe that's what Simone means by Art integrates Evil. The artist does whatever they freakin' well like. And you have to pay for it. Fuck that. Gaius is right.

He takes a large swig of his organic cider.

Saint Roley is having a parallel experience.

Not with the chocolate crepe. He would never have ordered one. But with his miniature.

Unlike Sweezus, he can't keep his doubts to himself.

He expresses them to Arthur.

Arthur is in a good mood, thanks to the organic cider, and the chocolate crepe, which will be coming.

How, says Saint Roley, could a miniature painting of my brother, which cost five euro, which you gave me, and which we earned from the sale of the larger cardboard with the picture of a young man whom the buyer thought looked more like your brother than mine, and furthermore suspected might be a Picasso, which it might, although we have no way of knowing, be evil?

It doesn't matter, says Arthur. You only wanted the cardboard. Remember?

Saint Roley remembers. Yes, it was the cardboard that reminded him of his brother. It's evident Simone doesn't know much about birds.

He hops down from the table to find Terence and Baldy.

Terence is wearing Baldy's yellow waterproof, and being a chicken.

What am I? asks Terence.

A chicken, says Baldy.

NOT YOU! says Terence. Saint Roley.

I'm an oystercatcher, says Saint Roley.

NO! WHAT AM I? says Terence.

A chicken, says Saint Roley. Sorry. I see things differently.

Not from us chickens, says Terence.

Art Tries To Integrate Evil

Evening, in Montmartre.

Simone and Jean Paul are sitting at a table inside the Port-Manech Creperie, with Baldy.

Baldy looks different.

Where are they? says Simone. I said seven.

Gaius and Belle enter the creperie.

Over here! cries Simone. Sit down. Where are the others?

Maybe they're not coming, says Baldy.

He hopes they're not coming.

Especially Terence and Saint Roley.

Coming! says Belle. Oh BALDY! You do look like a proper little Parisien! Doesn't he, Gaius!

Gaius looks at Baldy.

He is wearing tight blue trousers, and a yellow batwing waterproof, with metal buttons.

Very nice, says Gaius. Did your hairdresser manage to get the paint off?

Yes, says Simone. And his hair looks so much better, au naturel.

Au naturel for Baldy is metallic orange.

Gaius and Belle sit down at the table.

Everyone looks at the menu.

Terence runs in, followed by Saint Roley.

Guess what! says Terence.

What, says Baldy.

Who are you? says Terence.

It's Baldy, says Saint Roley. He's got new clothes on.

He looks like a chicken, says Terence.

Baldy is about to start crying, but remembers he is a proper little Parisien.

What's that you've got there? asks Jean Paul. Another painting?

Saint Roley's new brother, says Terence. It's small.

Let me see, says Simone.

She would offer an opinion, but she would prefer it if everyone was there.

Sweezus and Arthur come in, lugging a painting.

Sweezus turns the painting around.

It's him, sitting next to a grinning white poodle.

Didn't have to pay for the poodle, says Sweezus. Morgane said forget it. What do you reckon?

It looks like you, says Belle.

No it doesn't, says Gaius. It looks like that china dog that Belle bought for Terence.

Not that! says Sweezus. This one here. Me.

Easy mistake, says Gaius. Sorry. Shall we order? I'll have the Supercomplete.

Me too, says Jean Paul. When the weather turns chilly, its always nice to have a crepe filled with ham, eggs and potatoes.

No potatoes for me, says Belle. What are you having Simone?

Simone had been waiting for everyone to arrive so she could pronounce on the miniature. Now there are two artworks to consider.

But since every one is ordering....

Buckwheat with bacon, egg and onion, says Simone.

Sweezus and Arthur order Supercompletes, with extra fries. Red drinks are ordered for Terence and Baldy.

So what do you reckon, Jean Paul? asks Sweezus, indicating his portrait.

Don't ask him, says Simone. He'll just objectify everything.

And you won't, says Jean Paul. Give us your opinion.

I see Art, says Simone, as an attempt to integrate evil.

Baldy looks at Terence. Terence looks sympathetic.

That explains why he looks like a chicken.

Could Be A Picasso

Place du Tertre, a cobbled square, frequented by artists and tourists.

Some of the tourists are having their portraits painted, for fifty euro.

It takes half an hour.

And you'll have the memory for ever.

Sweezus is tempted. Fifty euro.

Don't do it, says Arthur.

But Sweezus is already bargaining with the artist, Morgane.

She invites him to sit on a folding chair. She will just start an outline. See what happens.

Sweezus sits down, with the china poodle beside him.

Can the poodle be in it? asks Terence.

That's extra, says Morgane.

Come on, says Arthur, let's find a café.

You go, says Sweezus. I'll catch up.

I'm staying to watch, says Terence.

Arthur heads off to find a café, with Saint Roley, and the cardboard.

They find one, and sit down outside.

Saint Roley is perched on the table. His cardboard with the face on is propped up against Arthur's chair.

How much? asks a tourist.

Huh? says Arthur. What for?

The picture, says the tourist. It's good. I'll give you forty.

It's not for sale, says Arthur. It's this bird's brother.

WHOSE brother? asks the tourist.

Mine, says Saint Roley. It REMINDS me of my brother.

I was going to say...., says the tourist. It looks more like your brother than his brother.

It's not my brother, says Arthur. We'll take fifty.

NO WE WON'T, says Saint Roley.

Sixty then, says the tourist. (He really wants it. It might be an early Picasso, from his Brown Period).

Done, says Arthur. But can you wait a few minutes?

Sure, says the tourist. What for?

While I talk to the owner, says Arthur. Order a beer.

Okay, will you have one? asks the tourist.

Yes, thanks, says Arthur.

He turns to Saint Roley.

I'M the owner, says Saint Roley.

I know, says Arthur. Can you do maths?

Yes, says Saint Roley.

Right, says Arthur. Your cardboard won't fit in our luggage.

Is that maths? asks Saint Roley.

Yes, says Arthur.

So it needs to be smaller, says Saint Roley. So if I get an artist to paint a miniature, I can take it. How much would that be?

This is more complex maths than Arthur had in mind, but he concedes that it's possible.

Wait here, says Arthur.

He goes across to the nearest artist, with the cardboard.

How much to paint this, as a miniature?

Pfft! says the artist. That depends. How miniature?

Very miniature, says arthur.

Five euro, says the artist, dashing it off straight away. He is not busy..

It's not bad for a miniature. The hair is still brown and neat. The face is still solemn.

Back in a minute, says Arthur. I'll get the money.

He goes back to the tourist.

Sixty euro changes hands, and the tourist now owns the painting.

Arthur and the tourist drink their beer.

Arthur gives Saint Roley five euro, to pay for the miniature.

A rare case of ethical behaviour, from Arthur.

Saint Roley loves the miniature. It's small. Like his brother.

Possession

Simone pops her head in.

This IS a small room, says Simone. Would one of you like to bunk in with me this evening?

I will, says Arthur.

Not you, says Simone.

She looks at Belle, but Belle is fussing with a tea towel.

I really came to get Baldy, says Simone. I'm off to the hairdresser this afternoon. I want him to come with me.

Can I bring my dog? asks Baldy.

You don't have one, says Simone.

You don't have one says Terence.

I changed my mind, says Baldy. I do have one.

He points at the poodle.

Oh, says Simone. We can't take that with us.

The poodle keeps smiling upwards and sideways.

It would drive her insane.

I'll take up your offer Simone, says Gaius. I might get some work done.

What? Really? says Simone Oh, all right, yes.....very good. And perhaps we could all meet for dinner. Jean Paul wants to say goodbye. There's a very nice creperie just round the corner. The Port Manech. Shall we, say, meet there at seven?

Sure, says Belle. Okay Sweezie?

Yeah, says Sweezus. Okay.

Come Baldy, says Simone.

Why do I have to go? asks Baldy.

I'm going to ask the hairdresser if she has any paint stripper, says Simone. I'm certain she will. At dinner, no one will recognise you. You'll be a new cherub.

She marches off, with Baldy in tow.

Look after my dog! calls Baldy, as he disappears down the stairs.

It's not fair, says Terence. Baldy gets to do everything.

Drat! says Gaius . I forgot to ask him if he found any reference in the Planning Scheme to the Far Eastern Curlew.

See, says Terence.

Perhaps Sweezie and Arthur will take you for a walk this afternoon, says Belle. You could go to the Place du Tertre.

Can I take my dog? asks Terence.

The poodle is smiling. It seems he expects to be taken.

No, says Sweezus. I'm not taking that ugly dog anywhere.

The poodle keeps smiling.

Insane.

What about me? says Saint Roley.

You can come, says Terence. And you can bring your cardboard with the face on.

Sweezus would prefer not to be seen round Montmartre with a bird and large sheet of cardboard with a face on.

His face says so.

Maybe not Saint Roley, says Belle.

He's my parrot, says Terence. Maybe not the cardboard.

It's my cardboard, says Saint Roley.

Sweet Flea

Belle comes in, with Terence and Saint Roley.

Gaius wakes up. Baldy stops reading.

Flea market! says Belle, dropping a bulging shopping bag down on the table.

We got presents, says Terence. Mine's a dog. His is a painting.

His? says Baldy.

Mine, says Saint Roley. A painting to remind me of my brother.

Let me see it, says Gaius.

Don't freak out, says Belle. It's largish. So's the dog. But I didn't have the heart to refuse them. And I got you something.

You shouldn't have, says Gaius.

It's a tea towel, says Belle. You're right, I shouldn't have. Perhaps we can share it.

Certainly, says Gaius. It's sure to come in handy. What's this! Did you buy two paintings?

No, this is it, says Belle. I suppose you were expecting a bird.

Saint Roley has perched on the top of the painting. The painting is a head and shoulders portrait of a young man. It is painted on cardboard. The young man has neatly brushed hair and a solemn expression.

I suppose... about the eyes... there is a certain likeness, says Gaius.

Wait till you see my DOG! says Terence. It's smiling.

Belle pulls out the dog. A white ceramic poodle with his head one one side, looking upwards and grinning. On its shoulder and down its right side, a spray of painted flowers.

It IS large, says Gaius.

What do I get ? asks Baldy.

You get the DOG, says Terence. Surprise! It's for you because you're not coming.

I don't want it, says Baldy. It'll make me sad every time I look at it because I'm not coming.

Have the painting instead, says Terence.

MY painting! says Saint Roley. Baldy doesn't even have a brother.

Your brother was a bird, says Baldy. Not a person.

So what? says Saint Roley. It's not the PERSON that reminds me of my brother.

I thought it was, says Belle. So why did you let me buy it?

The cardboard, says Saint Roley. My brother floated away on a flat piece of cardboard.

Gaius and Belle look at one another.

Then really, any cardboard would do.

It's sweet, though.

Speaking of which, Sweezus and Arthur come in, with an old fashioned basket.

Nice china dog! says Sweezus. Whoa! Crap painting.

Terence beams. Saint Roley looks daggers.

What have you guys got in the basket? asks Belle.

Macarons, says Arthur. Lemon, caramel and raspberry. We made them.

I don't believe you, says Belle They look too professional.

Yeah, we went to this lady's house, says Sweezus. She runs macaron making classes. And you get a glass of champagne. We had.... several.

I suppose you had to pay for the privilege, says Gaius.

$145.40, but worth it, says Sweezus.

Moneybags! says Belle. Has papa paid you?

Yep! says Sweezus. Try one.

Belle tries a lemon macaron. It's good. She can hardly believe it.

And there are so many. They can't eat all of them. They'll dry out in the basket.

Then she remembers the tea towel.

The Self And The Other

Simone has to go to a meeting.

Sartre claims he does too.

Belle has gone shopping in Montmartre, with Terence and Saint Roley.

Sweezus and Arthur are goodness knows where.

So Gaius has to mind Baldy.

Gaius is reading an article on the plight of the Far Eastern Curlew on his bed in the small room at the Mistral.

Baldy has climbed up on a boxy red chair to look at himself in the mirror.

This is the last time you'll see me, says Baldy.

I doubt that, says Gaius.

I meant me, says Baldy.

I know, says Gaius. But we're not leaving until tomorrow.

I didn't mean you, says Baldy.

Who then? says Gaius.

Me, says Baldy. It's the last time I'll see me. I have to turn into a proper Parisien. I have to have washes. I have to learn Self and Other.

Lesson One, says Gaius. Don't expect a mirror to show you the Other.

Baldy likes that. It makes more sense than what Simone told him Lesson One was.

That's a good Lesson One, says Baldy. Simone said....

What was it Simone said? Men have appropriated the position of the Self  and women are understood to be the objectified Other.

And he was supposed to learn it. And then one day do something about it.

How long before I grow up? asks Baldy.

You will not grow up, says Gaius. Nor will Terence.

Good, says Baldy. That means I don't have to have Lesson Two. I was getting it after dinner.

Really, says Gaius. So you don't know what it is yet.

I know what it's called, says Baldy. Lesson Two: What is an adult?

Interesting question, says Gaius. Or is it?  Hmm. The more I think about it the more I think that it isn't. The answer is simple. A mature creature.

Oh, says Baldy. Now I'm sad I don't have to have Lesson Two. Because I know the answer.

It might not be HER answer, says Gaius.

What? says Baldy. Are there two answers?

Yes, says Gaius. More than two, sometimes. Take the Far Eastern Curlew.

I can't, says Baldy.

All right, says Gaius. Take Saint Roley.

I still can't, says Baldy.

As an example, says Gaius.

In that case, says Baldy, I could have taken the Far Eastern Curlew.

True, says Gaius. They do have the same problem.

With two answers, says Baldy.

Let us hope so, says Gaius.

I like talking to you, says Baldy.

Very good, says Gaius. But I'm going to have a short nap now. Would you like to look over these notes while I'm sleeping? See if you can spot any reference to bird life in these Moreton Bay developments plans. If you can, I'll be very surprised.

He hands Baldy a sheaf of notes, and lies down on the bed for a nap in the small room in the Mistral.

Baldy peruses the Moreton Bay Regional Council Planning Scheme.

Every now and then he looks up to see himself doing it, in the mirror.

Feminist Applications

Arthur listens to his voicemails.

Message 1: Arthur, please call me. It's about Baldy.

Message 2: Arthur, please reply!!!

Message 3: Arthur, Baldy's replacement has been a failure. I want Baldy back. Call me.

Message 4: Where's my knife! The police have been round asking questions.

Message 6: Arthur....call me at once! Change of heart. Sorry.

Does she want me to go home? asks Baldy.

She did, then she changed her mind, says Arthur.

Baldy looks stricken.

I'm sure she does, says Belle. I'm going to call her. Give me that phone.

Arthur gives her his phone.

What was that about a knife? asks Belle. Did you take her knife?

No, says Arthur. I don't think that one was from her.

No kidding, says Sweezus.

Belle dials the Virgin's number.

The Virgin answers.

Hello? Arthur?

Belle: No. This is Arthur's phone. It's Belle here.

Virgin: Has something happened to Arthur?

Belle: Surely you'd know if it had?

Virgin: Everyone has such high expectations. But winter is coming. And bad weather.

Belle: You mustn't blame them. Was there a message for Baldy?

Baldy waits, holding his breath.

Virgin: Tell him... err.....tell him there's a vacancy here if he wants it.

Belle: I'll tell him. Baldy you can go home if you want to. Do you want to?

Baldy: Does she miss me?

Belle: He wants to know if you miss him.

The Virgin: I did at first. The replacement was such a little shit, and so heavy, and when I got rid of him... well it was such a relief, but of course ... with Baldy, he was my first, I do feel responsible.

Belle: She did at first. Now she doesn't sound all that keen.

Baldy: Boo hoo. Mama!

Belle: He's crying.

Virgin: Would you consider keeping him a bit longer? I'm feeling so fragile right now.

Belle: We're heading back to Australia tomorrow.

Virgin: Oh, bad luck. For me not for you. It will be summer there. How delightful.

Belle: Perhaps I could ask Simone. She's always said she loves children.

Virgin: Would you, dear. That would help me. And by the way, tell Arthur I recovered the knife.

Belle: What about the police? What happened?

Virgin: Nothing. They let me off with a caution.

Belle: You! Crikey!...... Well, I'll let you know if Simone's up for it. Bye now.

Virgin: Bye, dear. Kisses for Baldy.

Kisses for you, Baldy, says Belle.

Where are they? asks Baldy.

....

Later, at coffee.

Sartre is drinking a lovely espresso.

Simone is holding Baldy, on her lap. She smothers his bright curls with kisses.

You shall have new clothes, says Simone. You'll look like a proper Parisien.

And a wash, says Sartre. All those feathers and lettering have got to come off.

And, says Simone, you shall learn the basics of feminism.

Why do I have to? says Baldy.

That's a good start, says Sartre.