The Worst Doesn't Happen

Right, says Vello. Full dress rehearsal. Where are our costumes?

Belle opens a box to reveal dirty tee shirts and faded bucket hats.

Pick your costume, says Belle.

Soon Vello and David look like old gardeners.

She hands them real trowels.

This is realistic, says Vello. Where's your costume?

Belle rummages in the bottom of the box and pulls out a pale green tulle skirt, with a silver bodice.

Lovely, darling! says Vello.

Sweezus and Arthur are already in their costumes. So is Terence.

Celia and Saint Roley are decked out with flowers. Saint Roley wears a hood that pokes out at the back and balances his beak at the front. This gives him gravitas.

Nobby coughs, and drops several bay leaves (if that's what they are).

I was promised fake foliage, says Nobby.

So you were, says Belle. Would you be happy with some paper leaves that I stripped from the flowers?

I'm easy, says Nobby.

Belle attaches a few leaves with Blu-tack.

Where do I stand? asks Nobby.

That depends, says Vello. Let's start scene one, and see what happens.

Okay, says Sweezus. He strides on. The LED lights in his sneakers flash. His gold flowered shirt sparkles. He carries a trowel.

Garden, says Sweezus. As in, like, a verb.

Vello and David shuffle on and begin to garden.

Where am I? asks Terence.

Behind the curtain, says Belle. You're not on yet.

Terence ducks behind Nobby.

Belle comes on, with a whipper-snipper.

Now! says Sweezus.

You don't say NOW! surely? asks Vello.

No, but this is when the sink hole appears, says Sweezus. So we all drop, like five feet at least. So how do we do it?

This is a job for NOBBY! cries Nobby. Put me up on the table.

Great idea, says Belle. Then we'll seem to be lower.

But who'll do it?

I'll do it, says Elodie. Gaius will help me.

Gaius and Elodie lift Nobby on to the table.

Everyone is effectively lowered

Sweezus, Belle, Vello and David act super startled.

Woah man, like what just happened? says Candide.

Oh, Candide, my sweet! cries Cunégonde. Are you all right?

Yeah, honey, says Candide. But the garden is cactus.

The worst always happens, says Martin.

Terence presses his stink button.

It doesn't work.

The worst doesn't always happen.

It's ME! cries Terence. He runs on in his orange stink bug costume.

Too early, hisses Martin.

No! says Doctor Pangloss. What happens is all for the best. That pesky orange stink bug is trapped down here, and can no longer ruin our oranges.

Terence begins to run rife. It's something he's good at.

 Celia and Saint Roley look down from the topmost branches of Nobby.

There go our pistachios! says Celia.

I'm supposed to say that, says Saint Roley.