Philosophical Wasp

Sweezus heads for the glass sliding door.

Pierre-Louis opens it, just wide enough for Sweezus (and a wasp) to slide in through.

Thanks, says Sweezus. You need to get rid of those wasps in the garden.

Me? says Pierre-Louis.

You volunteered to look after it, says Sweezus.

Not the pests, says Pierre-Louis.

Do you reckon life's like a wheel? asks Sweezus, pursuing his earlier thought that Pierre-Louis might think so.

No, says Pierre-Louis. Does anyone?

Nietzsche, says Sweezus. And the Buddha.

Anyone sensible? asks Pierre-Louis.

Heaps, says Sweezus. But okay. What philosophical thought would you be thinking, if say, you were thinking one randomly?

That's a very good question, says Pierre-Louis.

Well? says Sweezus.

Do wasps carry grudges? asks Pierre-Louis.

That's kind of specific. says Sweezus.

That wasn't a philosophical question, says Pierre-Louis. I wonder if Gaius keeps any of that Fast Knockdown Spray? 

He opens the cupboard under the kitchen sink. Finds some, and squirts it towards Sweezus.

Sweezus ducks.

The wasp that had followed him in is knocked down.

Now let's see if life's like a wheel, says Pierre-Louis.

They peer at the wasp in its death throes.

What are you doing? asks Gaius who has finished packing for Winaityiniaiyti Pangkara, and come into the kitchen.

We've just despatched a wasp, says Pierre-Louis. I hope you don't disapprove of such killings.

Generally I attempt to catch and release, says Gaius. Was it preparing to sting you?

Yeah, says Sweezus. Cool, how life's like a wheel.

I fail to see how, for the wasp, says Gaius. Unless of course... ah... I see what you're thinking. He picks up the wasp (which has died) and drops it in with the kitchen scraps.

Dust to dust, says Gaius. Or in this case wasp to compost. And then the long process of decomposition and soil enrichment, after which... of course it won't be another wasp again in a hurry.

That's something they all can agree on. 

Buzz no noo

No one notices the drowned wasp, except for the other wasps, who are grief-stricken.

Hoo buzz buzz?

Buzz no noo.

Boo. 

Gaius has gone back inside, with Camus.

Terence turns the hose nozzle until the water stops.

It continues dripping, onto his shoes.

Pierre-Louis turns the tap off.

Terence loses interest in watering, and squelches inside.

So, says Sweezus. How come you want to stay here?

I could do with some time off, says Pierre-Louis. And Camus will be equally useful to Gaius..

Yeah? says Sweezus. You know Camus has an agenda?

Does he? says Pierre-Louis. To be honest, I too have an agenda.

To cultivate your garden? says Sweezus. Like in Candide. The boss wrote that. It's like heaps good advice.  

But it isn't my garden, says Pierre-Louis. The garden is simply my excuse to stay here while Camus is away. 

Go on, says Sweezus. 

I shall spend my time writing an article for Velosophy, says Pierre-Louis. It seems Vello will never ask me, but with Camus away, it's more likely that Vello will accept it.

You reckon? says Sweezus. 

Can't hurt to try, says Pierre-Louis. My idea is to write about the time Frederick the Great expected me to go to war on a donkey.

Hey, says Sweezus. Word of advice. Make sure there's a bicycle in it.

Thanks, says Pierre-Louis. I shall remember.

Sweezus doesn't ask him how he intends to introduce a bicycle into Frederick the Great's time. 

He supposes the  bicycle story might be used as a frame. Like yeah, Pierre-Louis is ridng along on his bicycle thinking something philosophical, like yeah, life is like a wheel or something, or two wheels... but no it isn't... anyway that's up to him... and the bicycle gets a flat tyre and it reminds him of the donkey, which was a cheap clapped-out donkey that couldn't keep up...

He looks up from his suppositions.

Pierre-Louis has dashed inside, pursued by bereaved wasps.

Slam! He has made it, though the screen door.

The wasps look around for someone else to exact their revenge on. 

Facing Extinction

Pierre-Louis comes into the garden.

Much to do? asks Pierre-Louis, noting the long grass and weeds. 

A great deal, says Gaius. But I don't have the time. I must get out to Winaityinaiyti Pangkara with all speed.

What's the hurry? asks Pierre-Louis. Apart from the obvious.

What is the obvious? asks Camus.

The orange bellied parrot is facing extinction, says Pierre-Louis.

I didn't know that, says Camus. But I look at it this way. We all are.

Not as soon, says Gaius. And not through no fault of our own. The reason for haste is that the orange bellied parrot flies back to Tasmania once winter is over.

I see, says Camus. So you won't know if there are none due to extinction or because they've flown to Tasmania.

You catch on fast, says Gaius. That's it exactly.

I could stay behind and do a bit of work in your garden, says Pierre-Louis. And then join you later.

That is kind, says Gaius. But I need an assistant. 

I could come with you, says Camus. 

Sweezus who has been watching a wasp near the water tank, smells a rat.

Or at least a smart tactic.

If Camus assists Gaius, Gaius might be willing to sign the admission that he ate penguin pie. 

Yeah well, good luck Camus. 

Terence comes out in his new parrot shorts.

Can I do the hosing?

All right, says Gaius. Water these beans and then the pots with the parsley.

Woo! says Terence, grabbing the hose and twisting the nozzle.

The fine mist turns into a powerful jet, strong enough to knock broad bean plants over.

Terence attempts to redirect it towards the water tank.

Psshhh... Thud...Thud...Thud... (a faint buzz...)

The wasp drowns.

How They Loved You

Been away? asks Camus. Your pot plants have died.

So they have, says Gaius. 

He tips Camus's water into each of the pots.

That won't help. says Camus.

You know plants? asks Gaius.

I know dead ones, says Camus. 

He refills his glass from the tap.

Very good, says Gaius. Help yourself. I like that. Are you here to catch up?

No, I... begins Camus.

Because, continues Gaius, I need to check on my broad beans.

In the garden? says Camus.

Yes, in the garden, says Gaius. 

They go out the back.

The broad bean plants are drooping.

Gaius turns on his hose.

Camus stands beside him.

Should he bring up the penguin pie now?

Sweezus comes out.

Have you asked him? asks Sweezus.

Asked me what? asks Gaius, turning around with the hose.

Watch out! says Camus, stepping back.

About signing the statement, says Sweezus. 

Is it about that penguin pie? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Camus. The one you didn't remember.

Where was this? asks Gaius, fiddling with the spray nozzle. 

Victor Harbour, says Sweezus. I was there too.

I wouldn't have eaten a penguin pie, says Gaius. For one thing, they don't sell them in Victor Harbour. Imagine!

That is why it has haunted me ever since, says Camus. To think that you ate one, with such insouciance.

Insouciance, says Gaius. There's a clue. Perhaps I was joking. Do you remember it, Sweezus?

Yeah...kind of, says Sweezus.

Was I joking? aks Gaius.

Hard to say, says Sweezus. It was ages ago. And I was pretending to be a penguin.

Yes, my twins still talk about it, says Camus. How they loved you.

Anyway, Gaius, says Sweezus, the boss wants something in writing, to say you won't sue.

I'll write my own version, says Gaius. Vello can print it in Velosophy as a companion piece. How will that do?

He twists the spray nozzle. A fine mist drifts over the broad beans and onto the grass.

Now that he looks at it, he can see it needs mowing.

Recently Died

Gaius opens the door.

Here we are, says Katherine. And don't we look smart!

Terence had been going to say 'Guess what? to Gaius. 

Now he can't.

Something is different, says Gaius. Let me guess. Are those new shorts?

Yes, says Terence. I got these ones with parrots.

So I see, says Gaius. You were lucky.

Not so lucky, says Katherine. Kmart only had dinosaurs and pokemons, and cars. We ended up going to Seed, and they had these flash parrot ones.

They're boardshorts, says Terence. 

Roo-kai steps in.

Roo-kai, says Gaius. Good to see you. Have you been reinstated?

It seems so, says Roo-kai.

Roo-kai chose the parrots, says Terence. Waca's no good at choosing.

Where is Waca? asks Gaius. 

In my car, says Katherine.

Bring him in, says Gaius. He'll be feeling despondent.

Katherine goes back to her car.

She is just getting Waca out when Camus arrives with Sweezus.

Hey Katherine, says Sweezus. 

Come to see Terence? asks Katherine.

No, says Sweezus. Camus wants to see Gaius. 

Hello, Katherine, says Camus. Nice duck.

Sad duck, says Katherine. It has been superceded.

Is it supposed to have wheels? asks Camus.

Why yes, originally it was part of a pair, on wheels, says Katherine. But Waca is all that's left now.

It's a fine duck, nonetheless, says Camus. 

They go inside, as Gaius's front door is still open.

Terence is standing on the kitchen table displaying his shorts.

Red and blue parrots on a dark blue background.

Guess what? says Terence.

New boardies! says Sweezus. Cool! They'll be good when you go to the beach.

We soon will be, says Terence. We're going to Wini-yini-tini-pinata to look for dangerous parrots.

Endangered parrots. says Gaius.  At Winaityinaiyti Pankara.

Yeah? says Sweezus. Where's that at?

Up the coast, says Gaius. From Middle Beach up to Port Wakefield.

Shithouse beaches, says Sweezus. 

A bird sanctuary says Gaius. Hello Camus. I didn't see you behind Sweezus. Welcome. Sit down and I'll make you a cup of tea. If I have any tea bags. ...curses, I don't..... would you like a glass of tap water?

Merci, says Camus (or something like that).

He looks around Gaius's kitchen, noting that several pot plants have recently died.

That Sisyphus Essay

Is Gaius named in this story? asks Vello.

Naturally, says Camus. He ate the pie.

Could he not remain anonymous? asks David.

'Ten years ago, anonymous man eats penguin pie', says Camus. I don't think so.

At least you must clear it with Gaius, says Vello. He may have a different version. 

Yes, says David. We won't pay for the article if it's going to end up in court. 

All right, says Camus. What's his number?

Here, says Sweezus, bringing up Gaius's number on his phone.

Shizz! I dialled it accidentally.

Let it ring, says Vello. The sooner this is cleared up the better.

Ring ring!

Gaius answers.

Hey! says Sweezus.

What is it? asks Gaius. I'm busy unpacking. 

Camus's here, says Sweezus. He wants to ask you a question.

Put him on, says Gaius. Wait, Camus who?

Albert Camus the guy who wrote The Stranger, and The Plague and that Sisyphus essay, says Sweezus. And we met him in Victor ten years ago when we were both there.

I remember, says Gaius. What does he want?

I'll let him tell you, says Sweezus, handing his phone to Camus.

Hello, Gaius, says Camus.

Hello, says Gaius. I believe you have a question.

I do, says Camus. I have just submitted an article to Velosophy, which names you, and I'd like your permission....

O everyone names me willy-nilly, says Gaius. Quoting my tales. Go ahead. It's all the same to me. And how is your family? Are they here with you?

No, says Camus. The twins are grown up now.

It happens, says Gaius. Even young Terence, perhaps not so much, but he's looking older since he lost his side curls...

Yes, but I do need your specific agreement, says Camus. The editors wish to be certain I haven't defamed you.

Very canny, says Gaius. What did you say?

That you ate a penguin pie, says Camus. You did eat one, didn't you?

A penguin pie, says Gaius. It doesn't sound like a thing I would do. Ah, the doorbell! It will be Terence and Katherine. Must go. Let's catch up sometime. 

Click.

He's gone, says Camus. 

Did he deny it? asks Vello.

Not exactly, says Camus. He seemed not to remember. Will that suffice?

It won't, says Vello. You must get a written affirmation. 

Very well, says Camus. Gaius suggested a catch-up. I'll go now.

Got a car? asks Vello.

I've hired one, says Camus. Electric. Address, please.

I'll come with you, says Sweezus. 

They go downstairs together.

Camus sees a clear path ahead, leading to him getting published, and paid.

Sweezus, unsurprisingly, doesn't. 

Truth Deletes Bicycle

Ten years have passed, says Camus, since I came up with my story.

We know that, says Vello. 

And more, says Camus. Because it was my reality, before it was a story.

In the French Resistance, says Vello. I know. You rode around on bicycles, spying.

And you only had three bikes, says Sweezus. But there were four of you.

I say! says David. That would have been tricky. 

Yeah! says Sweezus. But now he's left the bikes out.

And hasn't told us the reason, says Vello.

More macarons? asks Belle.

Yes please, says David.

I've left the entire war out, says Camus. There comes a time when one must reinvent oneself. That is true freedom.

Right, says Vello. So no war, no bikes, what's it about then?

Penguins, says Camus. And in the interests of truth, I'm not on a bicycle, but driving a hired car.

An electric car? asks Vello 

No, says Camus. It was ten years ago. It wasn't electric. 

Go on, says David. What about the penguins?.

A true story, says Camus. Ten years ago I was in Victor Harbour, with my family. Gaius was there too. eating a penguin pie.

Yeah, I remember, says Sweezus. Gaius got arrested.

The story has haunted me ever since, says Camus. So I have turned it into a philosophical enquiry into the nature of man.

You mean the nature of humans, says Belle. Macaron, anyone?

The macarons disappear quickly (further illustrating the nature of humans).

In the light of the melting ice caps, says Camus, and this season's failure to breed, by the Antarctic penguins, I thought this piece of writing more pressing than any of my world war two antics.

Commendable, says Vello. But I must say I can't picture Gaius eating a penguin pie.

Not knowingly, says David. 

Sweezus, who was there at the time and knows it wasn't a penguin pie Gaius was eating, decides to keep quiet, in the interests of supporting a pro-penguin story.

Why Penguin Pie

Come down, says Terence.

Roo-kai does not move.

You can help me choose my new shorts, says Terence.

What about me? asks Waca.

You can't, says Terence.

Roo-kai is tempted to ask a question.

Like: What does that mean? 

But Katherine has jumped in.

I'll help you, says Katherine. 

Roo-kai knows more about shorts, says Terence.

Does he? says Katherine. I fail to see how an oystercatcher would know much about shorts.

He's lower, says Terence. He can see what they look like.

I can see what they look like, says Waca.

Roo-kai wonders where this is going.

What do they look like? asks Terence.

Waca is stumped. How does he know what the new shorts will look like?

Roo-kai sees his chance.

Parrots, says Roo-kai.

You win, says Terence. 

Are we ready to go to the Kmart? asks Katherine. 

Yes, says Terence.

Yes, says Roo-kai.

He flutters gracefully down from the street tree.

Get in then, says Katherine. Coming David?

I'd better stay and help Vello clear up this business with Camus, says David.

Suit yourself, says Katherine. 

Terence and Roo-kai (and a disconsolate Waca) get into the back seat of Katherine's car.

She drives away, to the Kmart.

Vello has already climbed up the stairs to the office, with Sweezus.

On the way up, Sweezus has explained the problem with Camus's article.

No bike in it.

Then it's useless, says Vello. Why didn't you tell him?

I was kind of intimidated, says Sweezus. And that's not the end of it.

What else? asks Vello.

Remember that thing with the penguin pie? asks Sweezus.

No, says Vello. Should I?

Must've been Gaius, says Sweezus. Anyway, the penguin pie's in it.

They arrive at the door to the office.

Belle is entertaining Camus, with macarons.

Albert! says Vello. How long is it?

A few paragraphs, says Camus.

I mean since I asked you to write it, says Vello. Time has moved on.

That's why it's even more relevant, says Camus. I have cut out the bicycle.

Unfortunately, says Vello, that rules you out, unless you're willing to write it back in.

David enters, having climbed up the stairs in a hurry.

He takes a macaron. 

Fill me in, says David.

Camus takes a macaron.

Sweezus, seeing the macarons disappearing, takes two.

Vello takes the last one.

Everyone crunches, until at last there is silence.

Camus then explains why he cut out the bicycle.

And why he put the penguin pie in.

On A Leafless Branch

I'll drop you off first, says Katherine.

Excellent, says Vello. No doubt work has piled up.

No doubt, says David. But I'd like to go home and change first.

Of course you must, says Katherine. You do look dishevelled.

I suppose I too look dishevelled, says Vello. 

You do, says Katherine. 

Do I? asks Terence.

No dear, says Katherine, but you need some clean shorts.

Can I get new ones? asks Terence.

Why not, says Katherine. I'll drop Vello and then we'll go straight to the Kmart.

Yay! says Terence. 

Katherine pulls up outside the Velosophy office.

An Uber pulls up behind them.

Sweezus gets out.

Sweezus! says Vello. I didn't expect to see you here. 

I came to the airport but you'd left, says Sweezus.

You could have given Gaius and Pierre-Louis a lift, says Katherine. They were catching a bus.

Yeah, but I needed to see the boss, before he got back to the office, says Sweezus.

Now you see me, says Vello. What's up? Has there been a robbery? A fire? A murder? 

No, says Sweezus. Not that bad. But remember that Camus guy?

Albert Camus? says Vello. Don't tell me he's finally come up with an article, after all this time.

As in ten years, says David. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. And he's sitting upstairs in the office.

Is he? says Vello. 

And he wants to get paid, says Sweezus.

We'll see about that, says Vello. Have you read it?

Yeah it's heaps good, says Sweezus, but there's a problem.

Tell me, says Vello.

We might leave you to it, says Katherine.

I'm getting new shorts, says Terence.

That's good, little buddy, says Sweezus. And what happened to your duck? 

He's my new parrot, says Terence. 

A sharp squark is heard, from the nearest street tree.

Everyone looks up.

Roo-kai is perched on a leafless branch, looking awkward.

Roo-kai! says Terence.

But Roo-kai doesn't answer.

Nor would you, if you had just realised a duck had replaced you.

That Was Them!

The plane lands in Adelaide.

The passengers get off.

Katherine is waiting.

David! says Katherine. How was your flight?

It seemed rather long, says David. And Terence threw up, near the end.

The poor child, says Katherine. Where is he?

Here he comes now, with Gaius.

Hello dear, says Katherine.

Guess what! says Terence.

You threw up, says Katherine. There's still some on your shorts.

Not as much as there was on my trousers, says Gaius.

That explains the wet patch, says Katherine.

Ha ha! laughs Terence. Gaius has a wet patch!

You seem all right now, Terence, says Katherine.

Yes, and guess what, says Terence.

You have a toy duck, says Katherine. Is it French?

Yes, says Gaius. Belle bought it in a French toy shop. Only then it looked different.

How so? asks Katherine.

There were two ducks, says Gaius. One behind the other, on wheels.

That reminds me, says David. He takes the wheels from his pocket, and gives them to Gaius.

Probably redundant, says Gaius.

Where's the other duck? asks Katherine.

Spinning in space, says Terence. For ever.

How nice, says Katherine. Right. Let's get you home. 

We won't all fit in your car, says David.

Pierre-Louis and I will catch a bus, says Gaius. But perhaps you could take Terence.

Certainly, says Katherine. 

Hello Katherine! says Vello, emerging at last from International Arrivals.

Want a lift to the office? asks Katherine.

Thank you, says Vello. I ought to plunge straight back in. 

We're giving Terence a lift, too, says Katherine. 

Fine, says Vello.

Katherine leads Vello, David and Terence to her car in the car park.

They drive out, passing an Uber, driving in.

Fuck, says Sweezus, who is the passenger in the Uber. That was them! Take me back to the city.

The Uber driver turns round and heads back to the city.

Roo-kai wheels overhead.

He'd been looking forward to seeing Terence.

Now what's happening?

Saving The Map Of Nearby

I feel weird, says Terence.

Probably the curdles, says Waca.

There weren't any curdles, says Terence.

There might be now, says Waca.

What's up? asks Gaius, looking down.

Terence feels weird, says Waca.

Squeeze in next to me, says Gaius. I've finished my breakfast.

He stows his tray.

Terence climbs up and squeezes in beside Gaius.

We'll be landing soon, says Gaius. 

Then what? asks Terence.

Back to normal, says Gaius. We'll go back to my house, see what's what, and then head out to Winaityinaiyti Pankara, if I have pronounced it correctly.

Where? asks Pierre-Louis, I thought it was somewhere nearby?

It is nearby, says Gaius. West of Gawler and Two Wells 

Useful, if I knew where they were, says Pierre-Louis.

I'll show you a map, says Gaius.

He has been sitting on his notes about the orange-bellied parrot, to keep them clear of his breakfast.

He pulls them out now.

Curses, says Gaius. The parrot illustration is missing. What did you do with it Terence?

I still feel weird, says Terence.

He does. Gassy and buoyant. Something inside him is rising.

Never mind, I'll obtain another one, says Gaius. Take some deep breaths. Aha! Here's the map of Winaityinaiyti Pankara.

Adelaide International Bird Sanctuary National Park, reads Pierre-Louis. I can see why you prefer to call it Winaityinaiyti Pankara. Much more snappy.

He takes the map. Just in time to rescue it from the fate of bulk of the notes.

Blurrrk! Blaark! Pluh!

Out comes the orange juice curdled with yogurt and soft lumps of strawberry.

Terence! says Gaius. What is this?

A bad curdle, says Terence. Waca was right.

I have a hankerchief, says David.

So have I, says Vello.

They pass them along.

Gaius wipes what he can from his papers.

Sorry, says Terence. 

Never mind, says Gaius. Now I'll go and clean up my trousers.

He joins the long queue for the toilets.

At least the map is clean, says Pierre-Louis.

So it is, says David. That's all you need really. Except for a picture of your quarry. What is it, some  sort of parrot?

The orange-bellied, says Pierre-Louis. I'd show you, but Gaius has mislaid the picture.

Dear me, says David. That's a bad start.

What's a bad start? asks Vello.

Wah! cries Terence. More's coming.

Bluuurt!

But luckily, Pierre-Louis has anticipated the torrent, and raised the map out of danger.

Whites Of Gecko Eyes Turn Orange

Everyone has returned to their seats. 

Vello to the window seat, David to his original seat beside Vello, Pierre-Louis beside him, then Gaius, in the aisle seat.

Breakfast has been delivered.

A tempting assortment of croissant, orange juice, yogurt, fruit, omelet, tomato, mushroom and sausage

This does look nice, says Pierre-Louis. 

Except for the tomato, says Gaius.

I'll have your tomato, says Pierre-Louis, in exchange for your mushroom.

Where's my red drink? asks Terence.

There's an orange drink, says Gaius. Will that do?

Okay, says Terence. Is there a strawberry yogurt?

Would that be for the duck? asks Gaius.

No....yes, says Terence. Wait, no. Is there a chicken sausage?

As if I would want a chicken sausage, says Waca. It's insulting.

Insulting? says Gaius. How is a chicken sausage insulting?

You'd understand if you were a duck, says Waca. 

No doubt, says Gaius. But you are a wooden duck,

So what, says Waca. Can't I have an opinion?

Of course, says Gaius. And who am I to talk, with my inflexible distrust of tomatoes?

May I ask why you distrust them? asks Waca.

Poison, says Gaius.

That theory has been disproved, says Pierre-Louis, helping himself to Gaius's tomato.

We'll see, says Gaius. 

Where's the strawberry yogurt? asks Terence.

Gaius hands him the strawberry yogurt and the orange juice.

Let's share them, says Terence.

He and Waca are on the floor, under Gaius's knees.

Gaius can't see what they're doing.

To be fair, Waca isn't doing anything, only Terence.

Terence has taken the lids off the juice and the yogurt.

Perhaps he should ask for a spoon.

But then: ka-bump-bump-bump... 

Turbulence.

Half the orange juice slops out.

Bad luck, says Waca. Should we ask for a cloth?

No need to, says Terence. It's soaked into my gecko shorts.

So it has. All the whites of the gecko eyes have turned orange.

Anyway it's lucky, says Terence. Now there's room in the orange juice for the yogurt.

My yogurt, says Waca. 

We're sharing it, remember, says Terence. And the strawberry in the yogurt will turn the orange juice red, so I'll like it better.

Bet it doesn't, says Waca. And also, I bet it curdles.

What does that mean? asks Terence.

You'll see, says Waca.

Terence tips a dollop of yogurt into the orange juice.

It floats.

Waca was wrong. 

Then it sinks.

Waca was still wrong.

It slowly curdles.

But by now, half of it is inside Terence.

Six Duck Fortune

David is still sleeping.

Vello and Gaius have joined the queue for the toilet.

Pierre-Louis has not yet come back.

Terence and Waca have more room than usual.

This is good, says Terence, stretching his arms and legs out.

Ducks should get their own seats, says Waca.

It would cost too much money, says Terence. 

They could fit six ducks in one seat, says Waca. And the ducks could pay one sixth each.

Where would they get the money? asks Terence.

From their owners, says Waca.

Where would they get the ducks? asks Terence.

They'd already have them, says Waca.

Where are they going? asks Terence.

Anywhere, says Waca. 

What if they don't all want to go to the same place? asks Terence.

You only need six, says Waca. Look around you.

I'm looking, says Terence.

All these people want to go to the same place, says Waca.

Terence can't argue with that.

Monique appears. She squeezes past David.

David stirs, causing a rattling sound in his pocket.

Hi, says Monique. I've come to get Waca.

What for? asks Terence.

Waca's my duck, says Monique. And we'll be landing in Adelaide straight after breakfast.

Bad luck. I've decided to keep him, says Terence. 

But you gave him to me, says Monique.

That was when I had a better one, says Terence. But now that one's broken.

Oh, says Monique. Okay, you can have Waca. 

A better one? says Waca.

Don't listen to him, says Monique. You're all right. You can make your own fortune.

Yes, says Waca, brightening up. We were just thinking of selling seats on planes to duck owners. Six ducks to a seat, we decided.

YOU did, says Terence.

Did he? says Monique. He has a good head for business. 

And I did, says Terence.

Breakfast is coming, says Monique. Where are your grandpas?

They're not my grandpas, says Terence. They're Team Philo-soft.

Whatever, says Monique. Well, see you! I'm having a cheese omelet. What are you having?

A boring red drink, says Terence.

Poor you, says Monique. You could ask for a strawberry yogurt.

What am I having? asks Waca.

There's a chicken sausage, says Monique. 

(What a mean thing to say to a duck).

One Spins, One Inherits

You're not missing! says Terence.

No. I'm right here, says Waca.

And you can talk! says Terence.

I can, says Waca. And while I'm sorry my colleague is now spinning through space, I welcome this opportunity.

Can you not use big words, says Terence.

Spinning? says Waca.

No, not spinning, says Terence.

Okay, says Waca. But you do realise...

Don't tell me, says Terence.

Fine, says Waca. So now I'm your coach. Where have those wheels gone?

Pierre-Louis has them, says Vello. Wake him up.

No need, says Gaius. Pierre-Louis has lost them. 

They rolled away, says Terence. That way.

He points sideways and forward.

Fortunately you no longer need them, says Gaius. Your foot seems much better.

What about me? asks Waca. They were my wheels.

Half yours, says Terence.

I believe in the circumstances they are all mine, says Waca.

No, says Terence. You can't do proper dividing.

It's the laws of inheritance surely, says Vello. The ducks were siblings. One duck goes off spinning in space, the other inherits.

They were my ducks, says Terence. 

This is all hypothetical, says Gaius. The wheels have been lost, that's all there is to it.

For some time now, Pierre-Louis has been half awake.

He has heard about the wheels disappearing, and decided to apply his famous principle of least action.

But now.

Is that a cheese omelet he smells? And some kind of sausage? Must be time for breakfast.

He opens his eyes.

Ah! says Gaius. You're awake. Did you sleep well?

Guess what? says Terence. You lost all my wheels.

My wheels, says Waca.

Same thing, says Terence.

I'm very sorry, says Pierre-Louis. I should have put them in my pocket.

I don't recommend it, says Vello. I slept with a wooden duck in my pocket. 

I can't help being wooden, says Waca.

No he can't, says Terence. 

We're the same in that way, says Waca. Both hard. 

Yes, says Terence. But I'm harder.

There was something I was going to ask Pierre-Louis, says Gaius. Now what was it?

About my expedition to Lapland to establish through astronomical observations the true shape of the earth, says Pierre-Louis. 

Yes that was it. How did you know? asks Gaius.

The observations proved it, says Pierre-Louis. It's oblate, not prolate.

That's not what I meant, says Gaius.

Breakfast is coming, says Pierre-Louis. I must go to the toilet....

He stands up and pushes past David, who is in the aisle seat, still sleeping, and (would you believe it?), has all four wheels in his pocket.

A Fantasy Mechanism

Gaius and Terence squeeze into Gaius's seat between Vello and Pierre-Louis, who are both sleeping soundly. 

All right. You start, says Gaius.

What if...? begins Terence.

But his heart is not in it. His parrot is in the garbage diposal.

I'll start, says Gaius. Is the earth round?

I don't know, says Terence. Is it?

Cannot but be, says Gaius. 

That's not how you play it! says Terence.

Hush! says Gaius. We don't want to awaken the sleepers.

Round? says Terence. Like a circle?

No, round like a ball, says Gaius. Although not a ball exactly. More like an egg, or ....you'd need to ask Pierre-Louis, I believe he led an expedition to ascertain its exact shape once......

Are we flying straight? asks Terence.

Excellent question, says Gaius. We are flying in a curve. Otherwise, we'd probably head out into space.

With the garbage, says Terence.

Eventually, says Gaius, wondering if he might be wrong about entering space.

Where do they drop it? asks Terence.

Drop what? asks Gaius.

Vello stirs, in his sleep. 

The garbage, says Terence. 

They wait till we land, says Gaius. Then it is taken somewhere to be disposed of. Why are you asking?

Cwaca, says Terence. He was put in with the garbage. I wish that we flew into space and dropped the garbage and the garbage bag exploded and Cwaca's parts would spin round the universe forever.

What a fine thought! says Gaius. 

Huh! says Vello, waking up suddenly. Did I say something?

You are not the only one to come up with fine thoughts, says Gaius. Terence is grieving for his lost parrot, and imagining his parts spinning through the universe forever.

By what mechanism? asks Vello, wide awake now.

A fantasy mechanism, says Gaius. Let us not pull it to pieces.

Parrot, says Vello. Has he lost it?

David stepped on it when he went to the toilet, says Gaius. 

And broke it! says Terence, and now.....

It's spinning though space, says Vello. I imagine what happened was that a flight attendant came along and took away the broken parts, which were routinely ejected.

I knew it! says Terence. 

Not part by part, says Vello, but in one of those bags.

Yes, says Terence. What bags?

One of those storage bags, says Vello. The kind you attach to a vacuum cleaner to suck all the air out.

Whatever for? asks Gaius.

Ease of storage, says Vello. Efficient use of space.

Can he breathe? asks Terence.

Doesn't need to, says Vello. And look what I have here, in my pocket.

He pulls Waca, the superfluous duck, no longer a grumblebum, no longer sad, not even missing, out of his pocket.

Terence, meet your new parrot.

At last!

Cannot but be, says Waca.

And Ruined My Life

It's a disaster. Cwaca is broken. 

Sticky carrot and wooden duck parts are smeared on the floor. 

Stay where you are, Terence, says Gaius. I'll get someone.

He edges past the sleeping Pierre-Louis, and goes in search of a flight attendant.

Now what?

Terence steps over the Cwaca-parts, and heads down the aisle to Monique.

Monique's sleeping, mumbles Monique's dad.

Wake her up! says Terence.

No, says Monique's dad. Come back when it's morning.

Can I at least have her duck? asks Terence.

She doesn't have it, says Monique's dad. She left it with you.

Wah! No she didn't.

Terence goes back to his row.

Vello is asleep, next to the window, with the duck in his pocket, not visible.

Gaius's seat next to Vello is empty. Pierre-Louis is fast asleep too.

A flight attendant looks up from where she is squatting. 

Careful dear, says the flight attendant. There's been a slight accident. I'm just wiping it up.

She is using a wet-wipe and a spray bottle of disinfectant.

But it was... begins Terence..

A terrible mess, says the flight attendant. Was it your toy? Never mind. Someone had dropped grated carrot all over it. From the coleslaw. And they must have picked out the carrot. There was no sign of the cabbage.

She finishes wiping, and stands up.

Where is it? asks Terence.

In the garbage disposal, says the flight attendant.

Pierre-Louis moves in his sleep. 

Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. 

Four wheels drop onto the floor and start rolling sideways.

For goodness sake! says the flight attendant. Who sleeps with wheels on their lap?

The wheels reach the aisle and start rolling forward.

She hurries after them........

And doesn't come back

Gaius returns.

An attendant should be here shortly, says Gaius. 

She's already been, says Terence. And ruined my life. 

It can't be so bad, says Gaius. Didn't you have two ducks?

Terence lists all the problems with duck number two.

1: it acts like a grumblebum. 

2: it doesn't talk, just looks sad. 

3: it's a duck not a parrot

4: and it's missing.

Yes, I do understand that your life has been ruined, says Gaius. Squeeze in next to me, and we'll play Cannot But Be. But we'll have to be quiet.

How kind of Gaius. He would prefer to have slept. 

Instead of playing that daft game with the flexible rules.

Oh For A 3D Printer!

Is it night time? Who knows, on these long haul flights?

But it feels like it is.

Monique's dad has covered Monique with a blanket.

Terence has gone back to his spot under Gaius's seat.

But it's David's seat now. He's keeping his eye on the length of the queue.

I may need to stand up in a hurry, says David. Make sure your toys aren't in my way.

They're not TOYS, says Terence.

Give them to me, says Pierre-Louis, who is sitting next to David.  

Terence gives him the wheels, for safe-keeping.

Don't drop them, says Terence. 

I won't, says Pierre-Louis. Go to sleep now. That's what we're supposed to be doing.

He closes his eyes. 

There's a blanket under your seat, says Gaius. If you need one.

But Pierre-Louis is already asleep.

On the other side of Gaius, in the window seat, Vello is cursing.

What's the matter? asks Gaius. 

This wretched duck, says Vello. 

I thought Terence had it, says Gaius.

I have it, says Vello. The girl left it behind.

Ah, the second duck, says Gaius. 

I can't get comfortable, says Vello.

Give it to me, says Gaius. I'll deal with it.

Thanks, says Vello. 

He hands Waca to Gaius.

Gaius will know what to do with a superfluous duck.

Vello curls up as well as he can in an economy seat.

Knees to nose. Not ideal. But better, without the duck. How long this flight is. Can't they invent something better, involving teleportation......using a 3D printer... I'm sure I've seen...that reminds me.....I should have gone to the toilet, curses... how to get past three people, and Terence on the floor at the end .... with another duck, covered in carrot... no it's not worth the trouble.

Next to him Gaius has jammed the superflous duck (Waca) into the left side pocket of his chinos.

And leaned back, closing his eyes.... 

Beside him, Pierre-Louis is fidgeting. Jupiter's balls! Is he going to fidget like that for the next who- knows-how-many hours? He should have a blanket.

Gaius leans forward and sideways to reach under Pierre-Louis's seat.

What are you doing? asks David. 

Trying to find Pierre-Louis a blanket, says Gaius.

Have mine, says David. Ah! At last! The queue is down to one person. I'm off.

He stands up quickly and heads for the toilet.

Wah! says Terence. He stepped on Cwaca! Cwaca's broken!

Cruuuurgk! says Cwaca.

Which proves he is broken.

Green With Yellow Underparts

Dinner is over.

Soon, the cabin lights will be dimmed.

Passengers, including Monique's dad, are lining up for the toilets.

Monique runs down the aisle to tell Terence.

Terence is busy.

Hey, says Terence. Look what I'm doing to Cwaca.

Yuck! says Monique. You've covered his belly with sticky grated carrot.

But, says Terence, what else does it look like?

Vomit, says Monique.

Cwaca looks offended.

Waca looks smug. He hasn't been defiled by old grated carrot.

Feathers, says Terence.

Oh! says Monique. Yes, I see. They'll look good when they dry.

Why are you here? asks Terence.

Dad's gone to the toilet, says Monique. There's a long queue, and some people have their toothbrushes, so you can sit next to me.

Toothbrushes? says Terence.

To brush their teeth after dinner, says Monique. I've already done mine. And I've been for a pee.

Yuck, says Terence. 

Just because you don't have to, says Monique.

I do have to, says Terence. But not now. Let's go, and I'll sit in your dad's seat.

Where are you off to? asks Gaius, shuffling his notes on the orange-bellied parrot.

My dad's seat, says Monique. He's gone to the toilet.

Has he? says Gaius. Bad time for it. There'll be a long queue.

Is there a long queue? asks David. I'll need to go soon.

Swap seats with me, says Gaius. Then you can keep your eye on the length of it.

He stands up, and his notes on the orange-bellied parrot drop to the floor.

One page features a coloured illustration.

A bright grass-green parrot with yellow underparts and an orange belly.

You'll look like that soon, says Monique, who has picked up the page, to be helpful.

Pardon? says Gaius. 

I'm talking to Cwaca, says Monique. Terence is giving him an orange belly, made out of carrot.

Is that why he wanted the grated carrot? says Gaius, standing up. 

David edges past Pierre-Louis and sits in the seat Gaius has vacated.

Now I'll have to squeeze past two of you, to get to your seat, says Gaius. I may as well take the opportunity to go to the toilet.

That doesn't seem fair, says David. I'm the one who wanted to go.

You must admit, it's more practical, says Gaius. 

He heads towards the queue for the toilet.

Come on, says Monique. Let's go, Terence.

They head back to her dad's seat, and hers.

Terence carries Cwaca, holding him carefully, because he is sticky.

Monique carries the page with the coloured illustration. 

Not one of the passengers they pass notices that the carrot-covered duck and the orange-bellied parrot are similar.

Because the cabin lights have been dimmed.

Carrot Transformation

Yay! We've got our wheel back! says Terence. 

Better make sure, says Cwaca. If it's a different wheel, you'll be off-balance.

Check it, says Terence.

It's got something stuck to it, says Cwaca.

That's carrot, says Terence.

Not like any carrot I've seen, says Cwaca.

It's grated, says Terence. Don't you know anything?

Waca laughs inwardly. Doesn't Cwaca know anything?

People grate carrot, says Terence. Then they eat it.

That's why I've never seen it, says Cwaca. Think it through.

Terence can't think it through. 

But we can.

Cwaca began life as a wooden duck in a toyshop. Where would he have seen people grating carrot? And then eating it. He wouldn't.

He picks the grated carrot from the wheel with his beak.

Hm. Euw.

If it wasn't coated with tangy coleslaw mayonnaise it might not be too awful.

As it is, for a duck, it's quite bad.

He spits it out. It sticks to his belly.

Now you've got an orange feather, says Terence. You look like a real parrot.

With just one orange feather? says Cwaca.

We could get more, says Terence.

He tugs at Gaius' trousers.

What is it? asks Gaius, looking down.

Can I have your leftover grated carrot? asks Terence.

I've finished my coleslaw, says Gaius. But there may be some scraps.

He hands Terence the plastic coleslaw container, and opens his chocolate mousse, for dessert.

Chocolate mousse. What an indulgence.

Yes, it is delicious. And one deserves compensation for having to sit so long in a plane.

Very nice, says Pierre-Louis, beside him. I do like chocolate mousse. What did Terence want?

Leftover grated carrot, says Gaius. 

He can have mine, says Pierre-Louis. I hardly touched my coleslaw.

He hands his hardly touched coleslaw down to Terence, under Gaius's legs.

This is great! There's plenty of grated carrot in there. 

It won't be long before Cwaca looks like a real parrot.

Containing No Tomatoes

 Send Monique back! calls Monique's dad, as Gaius is departing. Our dinners are coming!

I will, says Gaius. Come along, Terence.

They go back to Gaius's seat.

Did you bring Waca? asks Monique.

Yes, but your father wants you to go back to your seat for your dinner, says Gaius.

Boo! says Monique. That means we can't fix the wheels onto Terence's shoes.

Impossible anyway, says Gaius. Not until ownership of the wheels is resolved. And the fourth one is recovered.

Monique returns to her seat, next to her dad.

What's for dinner?

Chicken curry, says dad. And coleslaw and bread in a packet. 

Yuck, says Monique. 

She opens the packet.

Funny slice of bread, rolled up like a Swiss roll, with butter inside it.

She tries it. Mm. It's not bad.

Did you bring Waca? asks dad.

I left him with Terence, says Monique, ripping the film from the top of her chicken curry.

Probably for the best, says her dad, doing likewise.

They eat their chicken curry.

Ah well. At least things are moving forward.

After dinner, a sleep, and then breakfast. 

After which, they'll be landing in Adelaide. 

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Something interesting is about to happen.

The dinner trolley stops beside Gaius. His dinner tray is down.

Your chicken curry sir, says the flight attendant. 

Thank you, says Gaius. I trust it contains no tomatoes.

No tomatoes, sir, says the flight attendant. Although I should point out, nothing can contain no tomatoes.

I wouldn't be too sure of that, says Gaius. 

She reaches across Gaius three more times, with three more chicken curries.

I see we've all ordered the same dinner, says Vello.

This is true. But it isn't the interesting thing.

Gaius opens the lid of his coleslaw, only to spot....horror! a mini tomato! 

Or is it? In fact it looks more like a wheel.

Well, look at this, says Gaius. Is it the missing wheel or a fifth one?

Terence has been sitting at his feet, with three wheels and Cwaca and Waca, dividing them up.

One wheel each, that was easy. But useless.

And Waca looks sad.

See this? says Gaius, extracting the wheel from the coleslaw and showing it to Terence.

Yay! says Terence. How did that happen?

Who knows? says Gaius. It was either a fortuitous accident or a means of returning it to us under the radar.

With extra carrot, says Terence. That was nice.

Three Halves Of Anything

They wouldn't give me the wheel, says Cwaca.

Your own wheel! says Monique.

How come? asks Terence.

It might only be half mine, says Cwaca.

And half mine, says Terence.

And half the other duck's, says Cwaca. Thingo. What did you call him?

Waca, says Monique.

Half Waca's! says Terence. I don't believe it! 

No. There can't be three halves of anything, says Monique. 

Unless we get the other three wheels, says Terence.

Where are they? asks Cwaca. 

Dad's got them, says Monique. And he's also got Waca.

Let's go and get them, says Terence.

He jumps down. Ouch! Wait, no! Not Ouch! Yay! His foot must be better.

He heads for the aisle seat where Monique's dad is sitting.

Woop! Gaius is standing there, talking to the girlfriend.

Are you quite sure? asks Gaius. 

Course I am, says the girlfriend. No bones broken. Though I might get a bruise on my bottom.

Should we wait and see? asks Gaius.

(Lucky headphones guy isn't listening!) 

Ha ha, no way you'll ever see it, laughs the girlfriend.

Gaius is embarrassed. He hadn't meant it that way.

A smell of chicken curry wafts through the cabin.

Dinner is coming!

Gaius turns to go back to his seat.

Terence! What are you doing here?

Trying to find Waca, says Terence. But you're blocking the passage.

What do you mean, trying to find Waca, says Gaius. Is Waca a Pokemon?

No way, says Terence. If he was, this would be easy.

Waca? says Monique's dad, overhearing. Does Monique want her duck?

Yes, says Terence. And the other three wheels that you sat on. They're half mine, half my parrot's and half Waca's.

One third each, says Gaius. You can't have three halves of anything.

I haven't got ANY halves! says Terence. 

What if I give you two? says Monique's dad. And keep one.

(What is he thinking? That won't solve the problem).

No no, says Gaius. Give him all three. I'm working on regaining possession of the the fourth one, which was confiscated for no good reason, a prosecution being no longer foreseeable.

That is good news, says Monique's dad.

He hands over three wheels and the hapless Waca.

Waca's dreams of being reattached to his board with all four wheels underneath him (and no Cwaca) are shattered.

A Vastly Inferior Duck

Meanwhile Cwaca has caught up with the trolley.

Excuse me, says Cwaca to the flight attendant.

One moment, says the flight attendant. 

She hands someone a tea, a UHT milk and a sugar.

What is it? she asks Cwaca

I've come for my wheel, says Cwaca. 

This wheel? asks the flight attendant, locating the wheel, next to the tea urn.

Let me see, says Cwaca.

Cwaca is low on the cabin floor. She has to bend down.

Yes, says Cwaca. That's it. May I have it?

Sorry, no, says the flight attendant. There might be repercussions.

Like what? asks Cwaca.

The person who tripped on it may want to press charges, says the flight attendant.

The parrot who lost it may want to as well, says Cwaca.

Parrot, what parrot? asks the flight attendant. 

Myself, says Cwaca. I had four wheels originally, I was attached to a board with another duck behind me.

Another duck? asks the flight attendant. Such as yourself?

An vastly inferior duck, says Cwaca.

But you admit you're a duck, says the flight attendant.

I was, at the time, says Cwaca. 

It may not be your wheel, says the flight attendant. It may be the other duck's.

Are we in trouble? asks Cwaca.

Not necessarily, says the flght attendant. And I don't have time for this. Discuss it with the other duck. Is it here on the plane?

Yes, somewhere, says Cwaca. 

Go then, says the flight attendant. When you establish who owns the wheel there's a form to fill in.

Cwaca is defeated. 

A form to fill in.

And he may not even own his own wheels. And if he does, he may be in trouble.

He waddles (even though parrots don't waddle) back to where Terence and Monique are playing Cannot But Be.

Did you get it? asks Terence.

Not yet, says Cwaca. There are barriers.

So what if there are barriers? says Terence.

Cannot but be barriers, says Monique.

That wasn't a question, says Terence.

If it wasn't, what was it? asks Monique.

Super Tricky

Terence is explaining the rules of Cannot But Be.

The answer has to be cannot but be, says Terence.

Aha, says David. I understand. The trick is to ask the right question.

Yes, says Terence.

Such as what? asks Monique.

Let me try, says David. No wait. Are there any restrictions?

What are restrictions? asks Terence.

Rules, says Monique. Like, some things you can't ask.

No, says Terence.

Right, says David, holding up his right hand. Is this my right hand?

Cannot but be, says Monique. Ha! This game is too easy.

No it isn't, says Terence. That was the wrong question AND the wrong answer.

You'd better give us an example, says David.

Okay, says Terence. What if there were two bees?

Bee bees or Bs? asks David.

Wrong again, says Terence. See, it's not easy.

I wasn't suggesting an answer, says David. I was seeking more information. Are they living bees or letter Bs?

Terence thinks about this for a minute.

David waits for an answer.

Does it matter? asks Monique.

No, says Terence.

So, say it's two alive bees, says Monique. Buzzing around a flower. Getting pollen all over their noses.

Bees don't have noses, says Terence.

Legs then, says Monique.  

Now that we've established the class of bees we're concerned with, says David, I shall have a go at answering the question.

Go on, says Terence.

Cannot but be, says David. Or....(it occurs to him suddenly)....cannot but bee, perhaps? 

Wrong! says Terence. But closer.

Cannot but BEES! says Monique. 

YES! says Terence. Now it's your turn.

Okay, says Monique. What if there were three bees?

What class of bees? asks Terence.

Two buzzing bees and a letter B, says Monique.

Woo! Super tricky.

Don't Tie Wheels On With String

Terence has no choice but to go back and wait until someone needs to go to the toilet.

I'll come with you, says Monique.

Bring the wheels, says Terence.

They walk back down the aisle to where Gaius is shuffling his notes.

Curses! Where are the ones on the orange-bellied parrot?

I'm back, says Terence.

What was all that kerfuffle? asks Gaius.

Somebody slipped on a wheel, says Monique. And my dad found it, but the flight attendant took it.

My wheel! says Terence.

For evidence, says Monique.

Evidence of what? asks Gaius.

What was slipped on, says Monique.

Was the person hurt? asks Gaius. Maybe we are responsible.

She wasn't, says Terence. 

Nevertheless, says Gaius, I'll go and speak with her. Where is she sitting?

Opposite my dad, says Monique.

Gaius stands up. 

Can we use your seat? says Terence.

I suppose so, says Gaius.

He goes. Terence and Monique squeeze into his seat.

We've only got three wheels, says Monique. How shall we do this?

String, says Terence.

You can't tie wheels on with string, says Monique.

Why not? asks Terence.

Because they'd stop going round, says Monique.

What's this? asks David, What's the problem?

Everything, says Terence.

Cheer up, we've been coaching your parrot, says David. He now has all the qualities of an excellent coach.

Where is he? asks Terence.

Cwaca is looking out of the aeroplane window with Vello. 

They are discussing the importance of being impartial.

It's not required in a coach, says Vello. Believe me.

But there must be grey areas, says Cwaca.

They may never resolve this, as Terence interrupts them.

Come here, says Terence. We've lost one of your wheels.

Not lost, says Monique. Confiscated.

Yes, says Terence. So you should go and get it back.

That's no job for a coach, says Cwaca.

If you don't get it back you can't coach, says Terence.

Okay, says Cwaca. Who has it?

The trolley flight attendant, says Monique.

Cwaca heads off in a forward direction, to catch up with the trolley.

Want to play Cannot But Be while we're waiting? asks Terence.

I don't know how to, says Monique.

Nor do I, says David. Terence will have to teach us.

Great idea. Good luck with that.

Better Not Beado

Several passengers come to the aid of the girlfriend, who has fallen backwards.

Are you okay?

Yes I think so, says the girlfriend, sitting up in the aisle.

What happened? asks the flight attendant. 

She has stopped pouring tea.

Slipped on something, says the girfriend.

Any idea what it was? asks the flight attendant. Was it slippery?

Not smeary-slippery, says the girlfriend. More like wheely-slippery.

The worst sort of slippery, says the flight attendant. I'll ask for the the help of the passengers.

She addresses the passengers in the accident's vicinity.

Would you all mind looking under your seats and in the adjacent aisle area for a small round object?

It's a wheel! says Terence, who is in the vicinity.

Not necessarily, says the flight attendant. It could be a beado.

Better not be, says Terence. 

Moniques's father has spotted the wheel which has rolled out from under the trolley and stopped next to his foot.

I have it! says Monique's father.

Thank you sir, says the flight attendant. I must ask you to give it to me.

It belongs to a friend of my daughter, says Monique's father. That lad there.

He indicates Terence.

Terence is miles away. He is imagining playing Cannot But Be and winning. What if (he would ask) a wheel was a beado? And the person he was asking would say (if they knew how to play): cannot but beado! Ha ha! And if they didn't know how to play, Terence would say: cannot but beado, and it still would be funny...

What? says Terence.

It's Monique. She has squeezed past her father and come over.

They took it!

What? asks Terence. 

Your fourth wheel! says Monique. They want it for evidence.

The girlfriend has arrived at her seat, which Terence is occupying.

Sorry kid, I need my seat back.

Okay, says Terence, getting down.

Now he has no seat and no fourth wheel. 

Bumhole. 

At least he has a good Cannot But Be.

One's Missing!

So Terence has an aisle seat, for the moment.

Across the aisle is Monique's father.

Next to him sits Monique.

Terence can't see Monique very well, because her father is bulky.

Terence leans forward.

Monique seems to be waving.

No not waving, she is making hand signals.

Both hands, forefingers and thumbs forming circles.

Goggles? thinks Terence. 

Wheels, dummy! shouts Monique. Where are they?

You had them! shouts Terence.

No you had them, shouts Monique.

Stop shouting, Monique, says her father. What's the trouble?

We've lost Terence's wheels, says Monique. 

I wonder...? says Monique's father feeling under his bottom. Are these them?

He produces three small wooden wheels, on which he must have been sitting.

Yes, says Monique. Terence must have left them behind, and you sat on them, but there were four wheels, where's the other one?

Only three wheels here, says Monique's father. Perhaps one fell off the seat before I sat down, and it rolled away.

Tell Terence, says Monique. He can start looking.

Monique's father leans into the aisle, but the trolley is coming. 

He will have to talk fast.

One's missing.... begins Monique's father.

Tea or coffee? asks the flight attendant. Any juices?

Coffee and an orange juice, please, says Monique's father.

Headphones guy looks up from his screen. 

Guess what? says Terence. 

I know, says headphones guy. She's not back yet.

One's missing, says Terence.

No shit! says headphones guy. We're on a plane. Nothing's missing!

Tea or coffee? asks the flight attendant. Juices?

Headphones guy stands up, and looks down the aisle towards the toilets.

She's been a long time. 

What if she....?

But his girlfriend is making her way back to her seat. 

The girlfriend can't pass the trolley until the flight attendant allows her.

And the flight attendant is pouring out tea. 

The girfriend waves at Terence.

And then disappears suddenly.

Pandemonium!

A tiny wheel rolls under the trolley.

Nothing Is Perfect

You'd better go now, says Monique.

That was short, says Terence.

You can have dad's seat next time he goes to the toilet, says Monique.

Every time? asks Terence.

Every time, says Monique.

I don't expect to go all that often, says Monique's dad. There's always a queue.

Okay, says Terence. I'll ask some more people.

He jumps down from Monique's dad's seat and crosses the aisle.

It's not far.

No, don't! says Monique's father.

Too late. 

Terence has tapped on the shoulder of a person wearing headphones.

Huh-what? says the person, taking them off. 

Do you need to....begins Terence.

Then even he realises the question sounds rude. 

Next time you go to the toilet, says Terence, can I sit in your seat while you go?

What the fuck? asks the person.

Hey! says the person's neighbour, his girlfriend. Language! That's a kid you're talking to.

Yeah, says the person. Asking me if he can have my seat when I go to the toilet.

How come? asks the girlfriend.

How do I know? says headphones guy.

Don't worry, says Terence. I'll ask someone else.

No wait, says the girlfriend. Is it because you want to sit near that little girl?

Yes, says Terence. She's going to help me join wheels to my shoes.

How cute! says the girlfriend. Tell you what. I need to go to the toilet. You can have my seat while I'm away.

And mine, say one or two other people.

This is great.

Yippee! says Terence.

The girlfriend stands up.

Shit! says headphones guy. The drink trolley's coming. Do you have to go right now?

Swap seats with me, says the girlfriend. Then the kid can have your seat and talk to his friend about the wheels thing, and when I come back I won't have to get you to lift up your tray so that I can go past you.

Sheez! says headphones guy. O-friggin-kay.

She stands up. Headphones guy moves over. 

Terence is now in the aisle seat opposite Monique.

Monique's dad actually. 

Nothing is perfect.

Half My Problem

 Is this seat vacant? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Monique.

Can Terence sit in it? asks Gaius.

Sure, says Monique.

Gaius goes back to tell Terence.

You can sit with Monique, says Gaius.

Yay! says Terence. He jumps off Pierre-Louis's lap and runs forward.

He didn't take me! says Cwaca.

Perhaps it's for the best, says Gaius. 

How come? asks Cwaca.

You don't seem to know much about coaching, says Gaius. Perhaps we can help you.

I'm a coach without wheels, laments Cwaca. That's half my problem.

What's the other half? asks Pierre-Louis.

Terence hasn't got any wheels either, says Cwaca.

Then we'll start there, says Gaius.

Fine, says Cwaca.

Perhaps we should involve Vello in this, says Gaius. He's the captain of Team Philosophe.

Vello! says David, nudging Vello who is looking out of the aeroplane window, at passing clouds.

What? asks Vello. 

What are the qualities required for a coach? asks Gaius. 

Wheels, says Vello.

I TOLD you! says Cwaca.

Personal qualities, says Gaius. Such as leadership, communication, enthusiasm and commitment.

Oh I see, says Vello. Not a vehicular coach, a sports coach. Who wants to know?

Me, says Cwaca. Apparently I'm not good enough.

Confidence, says Vello. Believe you are good enough. But I see what you mean.

I'm not good enough, says Cwaca.

What you need, says Vello, is a paint job, to make you look more like a parrot.

And your wheels re-attached, says David.

Or alternatively, learn to fly, says Vello. Terence's last parrot could fly.

Roo-kai flew everywhere, says Gaius. Back and forth. Very helpful. 

What happened to him? asks Cwaca.

He remained in Adelaide, says Gaius. You'll probably meet him.

Cwaca does not want to meet him. At least not until he's had a paint job.

The drinks trolley comes by, interrupting the lesson.

Monique's father has come back from the toilet.

Why is this boy in my seat? asks Monique's father.

It was empty, says Monique.

Can't a person go to the toilet, without losing his seat? asks Monique's father.

A reasonable question.

About Whizzing

Do I get a seat this time? asks Terence.

We'll see says Gaius.

We don't want him falling out of the overhead locker, says Vello.

No, we don't, says Gaius. If there's an empty seat, I'll ask if Terence can have it.

Yay! says Terence.

They are boarding flight Q784 to Adelaide.

Welcome aboard, says the flight attendant, smiling at Terence. New shoes, are they?

Yes, says Terence. 

She looks at the tickets.

Your seats are half way down the plane on the left, says the flight attendant.

Thank you, says Gaius. 

That went smoothly, says Vello, behind him. 

David gives him a shove.

They head down to their seats in the middle. 

Wheres Cwaca? asks Terence.

Pierre-Louis has him, says Gaius. 

There are four empty seats, waiting.

Where's my seat? asks Terence.

We must wait until everyone's on, says Gaius. Then if we're lucky, you'll get one.

Meanwhile, you can squeeze in with me, says Pierre-Louis, who has been allotted the aisle seat.

Terence squeezes in beside Pierre-Louis.

The parrot can sit on the arm rest between us, says Pierre-Louis.

Monique trundles by, behind her father.

Hey! says Terence, grabbing her t shirt. 

Bandage boy! says Monique. Are you going to Adelaide too?

Yes, says Terence. And I've got my own seat.

Doesn't look like it, says Monique.

I'm getting it soon, says Terence. 

Come on, Monique, says her father.

She keeps going.

Soon the aircraft is full. The doors are armed ready for takeoff.

Rumble rumble barooooom rumble squerrk. (All sounds which are perfectly normal).

The plane climbs in the sky.

The seat belt lights are turned off.

Now, says Gaius, can you see any seats that are empty?

Terence stands up. 

Ouch! Careful! says Pierre-Louis, on whom Terence is standing.

Sorry, says Terence I forgot I had shoes.

Well? says Gaius.

No, says Terence sadly.

Let me go and look, says Cwaca.

How can you? asks Terence. 

Sorry. I forgot I had NO WHEELS! says Cwaca.

The wheels are for both of us, says Terence. For whizzing.

Neither of us has done any whizzing, says Cwaca.

That's because you're the coach, says Terence.

It's true. Cwaca is the one to decide about whizzing.

No whizzing, says Gaius. I'll go.

He shuffles past Pierre-Louis and stands in the middle of the aisle, looking.

Aha! An empty seat five rows forward.

He makes his way towards it, to enquire.

The empty seat is next to Monique.

Terence's friend!

This could turn out to be lucky.

Which Part Wouldn't Have Happened?

The waiter returns with a large empty water jug.

He upturns it above Cwaca's head.

What are you doing? quacks Cwaca.

Removing you, says the waiter. You admitted you're nobody's duck.

He's my PARROT! says Terence.

No one said so, says the waiter. I asked the chef, who told me to remove it, and give you a discount by way of apology.

Very nice! says David. A discount. How much would that be?

Fifty percent, says the waiter. Off the tea, not the pastries.

We would prefer the discount to apply to the pastries, and not the tea, says Vello.

But I didn't have any pastries, says Gaius.

True, he didn't, says Pierre-Louis.

The waiter brings the upturned water jug down over Cwaca.

Stop! cries Terence. Don't trap my parrot!

The waiter slides a Harrod's Tea Rooms menu under Cwaca, and lifts up the jug.

The menu is not wide enough to cover the opening.

Cwaca's webbed feet dangle either side of the menu.

This is ridiculous, says Vello. Are we all  prepared to admit he's our parrot and give up the discount?

Yes, says David. 

Gaius and Pierre-Louis nod their agreement.

Let him out, says Vello.

The waiter removes the menu and Cwaca steps onto the table.

This wouldn't have happened if I still had my wheels, grumbles Cwaca.

Which part wouldn't have happened? asks Terence.

The part where my feet dangled over the menu, says Cwaca. I hope no one took a photo.

Of course, no one took a photo.

Although, it would have been funny.

The waiter goes back to the kitchen, and comes back with the bill.

There is no discount.

That's nearly four times what I paid for Terence's shoes, says Gaius. 

Then you got a bargain, says Vello.

Duck And Swoosh

Vello, David and Pierre-Louis are lingering over their pastries.

Cwaca is pecking at crumbs.

These are delicious, says Cwaca.

Delicious, says David. But expensive.

He has just googled the exchange rate.

Come on, says Vello. What are we up for?

Fifty five Australian dollars, says David. And that's just for the tea.

I shouldn't have ordered Silver Needle, says Vello. What about the pastries?

Twice as much again, says David. Shall we split it?

Wait for Gaius, says Vello. He ought to put in.

He didn't have pastries, says Pierre-Louis.

His bird did, says David.

Hey! says Cwaca. I only ate crumbs.

Is that what you call those great chunks that you pilfered? asks David.

Come on, says Vello. We needn't blame Terence's duck.

Coach, says Cwaca. That's what I'm employed as.

Then you  should have gone with him to the shoe shop, says David.

And I identify now as a parrot, says Cwaca. Just so you know.

We know, says Vello. It's just hard to get used to when you look so duckish.

A waiter comes up.

How were your tea and pastries, gentlemen? 

Very nice, says Vello. If a bit pricey. Tell me what do you think of this...duck?

Steady on, says David.

It should not be on the table, says the waiter, stacking tea cups. Is it your duck?

NO! says Cwaca. I am no one's duck.

The waiter is alarmed.

Perhaps a stray duck has made it's way into Harrod's Tea Rooms. Such things happen.

The waiter tries to remember the protocol.

Is it like....with flies? You capture the fly in an upturned water glass, having first tipped out the water. You slide a Harrod's Tea Rooms Menu underneath it. Then you lift the trapped fly and remove it to the kitchen, where the chef deals with it. Or an underling, yes an underling, not the chef...But this is a duck, what vessel would be large enough to contain it?

Excuse me gentlemen, says the waiter, retreating to the kitchen to ask the chef what to do.

It is at this juncture that Terence returns with Gaius and a new pair of shoes.

Nice shoes! says Vello. 

Nike, says Gaius. Only a hundred and twenty riyals. I imagine that's peanuts.

They've got a swoosh, says Terence, lifting his feet one by one to display the cool Nike swoosh.