Every Crime Magible

Belle goes into the kitchen to look for a bin tie.

Hedley is holding the now-flaccid glove.

Give that to Terence, says Vello. We're rehearsing scene four, and you're in it.

But I haven't learnt my lines yet, says Hedley.

Can you read? asks Vello.

Of course I can, says Hedley.

Vello hands him the copy of Candide, open at page 107.

Have a quick read of that, says Vello. All your lines will be in it. You may shorten them if you like.

I should think so! says Iris.

Hedley reads from page 107 to the end of the chapter called Candide in France.

Am I the officer? asks Hedley. 

You know you are, says Vello.

And is the officer the man with the ivory truncheon? asks Hedley.

What? Yes, says Vello.

And is the man with the ivory truncheon the Chief Yeoman of the Guard? asks Hedley.

Yes why are you asking? asks Vello.

It's not clear. says Hedley.

Of course it's clear, says Vello, snatching the copy from Hedley. They are simply three names for the same person.

A minor character, says Iris. Careless of you.

Thank you Iris, says Vello. Yes Hedley, they are all you. You may rest assured on that point. Now, are you ready?

Yes, says Hedley.

I'm ready too, says David. 

Me too, says Iris. Hedley, come and arrest us.

Hedley steps forward,

Seize them and put them in prison! says Hedley.

Who is he supposed to be talking to? asks Iris.

Hm, says Vello. Hedley, we don't have anyone to play your minions. Therefore you must adjust what you say.

I'm arresting you and taking you to prison! says Hedley.

Well done, Hedley, says Iris.

Yes, well done, says David.

Very good, says Vello.

David whispers something to Iris.

Iris holds her hand out to Hedley.

Good God sir! says Hedley. If you had committed every crime magible you would still be the most honest man in the world! Three diamonds! I would rather die than put you in prison!

Excellent Hedley, says Vello. Except for one word. It's imaginable, not magible.

Sorry, says Hedley. But I am only seven.

Spur Of The Moment Invention

Terence needs something, says Hedley.

What? asks Belle.

A pink rubber glove, a bin tie and a texta, says Hedley.

Go and look in the kitchen, says Belle. Now where were we?

Needing a couch, says Iris. For the seduction.

And the garter, says Belle. What did you find for us, Gaius?

Gaius offers her the white ribbon.

Nice, says Belle, but it needs to be stretchy.

Plait it, says Iris. That'll make it more stretchy.

Later, says Vello. This rehearal will be over before we've done any rehearsing.

Which scene shall we do? asks Belle.

The scene in which the officer is bribed, says Vello. That should be simple. Where is young Hedley?

In the kitchen, says Iris. I'll go and find him.

She goes into the kitchen.

She comes back with Hedley.

Hedley is an innovative young man, says Iris.

Hedley beams shyly.

Why is that? asks Vello. And what's that pink thing that he's holding?

A prop for Terence, says Iris. Hedley blew up the glove, so that Terence can poke it out from under the blanket and it will look plump, as per your description.

The hand need not look plump, says Vello. It was a spur of the moment invention.

Yes, but think of the alternative, says Iris.

And what's that? asks Vello.

Terence's cement hand, says Iris, The audience will find it disconcerting.

Vello sees her point. The person under the blanket who is not Cunégonde should not be a statue.

Very well, says Vello. It's a fine idea, Hedley. Continue.

The rubber glove has by this time started drooping.

I couldn't find a bin tie, says Hedley.

Nor a texta. 

Best not to mention that yet.

Two Suspicious Strangers

I'll be back for Hedley in an hour, says Hedley's mother.

She goes down the stairs thinking who was that rude woman, she did look familiar, never mind it'll come to me.....

What are my lines? asks Hedley.

Let me see, says Vello, leafing through his tatty copy. "Are those the two suspicious strangers?"

Say it, says Terence.

Are those the suspicious strangers? says Hedley.

The TWO suspicious strangers, says Vello.

Okay, says Hedley. The two suspicious strangers.

Are those, says Terence.

Are those, says Hedley.

Ha ha, laughs Terence. You're so bad at acting.

He isn't, says Belle. He said everything he was asked to.

I need it written down, says Hedley. Then I can get the right order.

Get your mother to do it, says Iris.

She's not here, says Hedley.

Then go and help Terence learn his part, says Vello.

Okay, says Hedley. He crawls under the jersey that is standing in for a blanket.

I know how you can help me, says Terence,.

How? asks Hedley.

Put your hand on my hand, says Terence. 

Hedley does it. The double-thickness hand is poked out from under the blanket

How does this look? shouts Terence.

Like two hands, says Belle. And Hedley won't be under the blanket.

I've got another idea, says Hedley.

What is it? asks Terence.

A pink rubber glove, says Hedley. Blow it up like a balloon, close it with a bin tie and it'll look fat as anything.

Yes! says Terence. And I'll draw a face on it!

Then it wouldn't look like a real hand, says Hedley.

Yes it would, says Terence, and it could say stuff.

Hedley has not done three years of Theatre Bugs for nothing. He is open to different suggestions.

Cool idea! says Hedley.

Devoted

 Gaius has not found anything that will do as a garter.

I'll just nip out to the shops and find something suitable,  says Gaius. 

No, don't bother, says Belle. I'll ...

Oh, let him, says Iris. Something white and lacey.

I'll do my best, says Gaius.

He goes out.

Let's start rehearsing, says Belle.

Can I watch? asks Terence.

Of course you can, says Iris. All I do is pick up her garter, and when she asks me, I put it back on.

On you, says Terence. 

On her, says Iris. 

Begin, says David.

Belle: Are you still devoted to the lady Cunégonde?

Iris: Yes madam.

Belle: You answer like a true German bumpkin. A Frenchman would say It is true I once loved her, but on seeing you, I love her no more.

Iris: Very well madam. Let that be my answer.

Belle (pretending to drop something): Be so good as to pick up my garter.

Iris (picking up the invisible garter): With all my heart, madam.

Terence: Ha ha!

Belle: What's so funny.

Terence: There isn't one.

Belle: There will be. Just as you will have a proper blanket, and not that old jersey. Now be quiet.

Terence: I wish I could be the red sheep like last time. 

Iris: Now we sink onto a couch and you surrender yourself to me.

Belle: Yes we do need a couch.

Gaius returns with a metre of white ribbon, followed by a small boy and his mother.

Hedley! cries Terence.

Yay, Terence! cries Hedley.

I met Hedley and his mother downstairs, says Gaius. They were coming up to ask if there was a part in this year's production for Hedley.

Yes there is! cries Terence. 

Is it a red sheep again? asks Hedley. With a red willy?

No, says Terence. It's me under a blanket.

What are you? asks Hedley.

A hand, says Terence. A fat one. I stick it out and get diamonds.

Hedley would like a speaking part, says Hedley's mother. He goes to Theatre Bugs. and he's in his third year.

Hedley should take what he's offered, says Iris.

It's not up to you, Iris, snaps Vello. We have a speaking part for an officer, or a nurse.

Officer! says Hedley.

Lovely! says Hedley's mother. Hedley will take it.

She looks hard at Iris Murdoch.

Iris Murdoch looks hard at Hedley's mother.

Plump Hand

We'll do without the twelve card players, says Vello. Six will do.

Three would do, says David. But we'd still have the same problem.

Why not get the audience involved? suggests Iris Murdoch.

That's a great idea, says Belle. All they have to do is sit there and look melancholy, and hold their marked cards. 

Very well, says Vello. And I shall do an introduction. 

Hopefully a short one, says Iris Murdoch.

In which, continues Vello, I shall incorporate the satirical remarks that must necessarily be dropped from scene one.

How clever, papa! says Belle. But you'll need to work on that introduction. So let's get on with scene two.

Am I in it? asks Terence, from under the stinky old jersey.

Not scene two, says Belle. Stay under the blanket.

Why am I under the blanket? asks Terence.

It's good that you asked, says Belle, but I'm about to rehearse scene two with Iris, so papa will explain it.

What's this? asks Vello.

Why is Terence under a blanket? asks Belle. He needs to know, for his character.

I'll explain it to him, says David. You get on with composing the introduction.

Thank you, David, says Vello.

Am I needed, in scene two? asks Gaius. 

Not really, says Belle. It's just me and Iris. But it would help if you could find me something to use as a garter.

Gaius starts rummaging through drawers. Rubber bands... string.... he can't imagine Belle approving....what do ladies like?

Come out, Terence, says David.

Terence comes out from under.

You are trying to trick Candide into believing that you are Cunégonde, says David. 

Why? asks Terence. 

So he will give you his diamonds, says David.

Will he put them under the blanket? asks Terence.

No, says David. He will see your hand and shower it with tears before covering it with diamonds.

My plump hand! says Terence. 

Yes, your plump hand, says David.

So he knows it's me, says Terence.

No he doesn't, says David.

So why does he give me the diamonds? asks Terence.

Because he thinks it's Cunégonde, says David. But it isn't.

Who is it? asks Terence.

You, says David.

You should've just said so, says Terence.

It's Boring And Smells

Next morning, in the Velosophy office.

Vello and David are discussing the sequence of scenes.

First scene, says Vello, the card game.  Second scene, the seduction. Third scene, the deception. Fourth scene, the escape.

Good, says David. That's settled. Who am I playing?

Martin, says Vello. And Gaius will play the abbé. 

He's agreed? says David.

He has, says Vello.

Belle and Iris come into the office. They are discussing their costumes.

You'll be all right, says Belle.  You're smaller than Sweezus, so you'll fit into his costume. I'll just take in the sides.

What is his costume? asks Iris. 

A jacket, knee-length trousers and boots, says Belle.

Can I wear my own boots? asks Iris Murdoch. 

Sure, says Belle. And I'll wear Cunégonde's costume from last year, with different trimmings, and a garter.

Good to hear that we're saving money, says Vello. 

Gaius and Terence come in.

I'm here! says Terence. Where's my blanket?

What blanket? asks Belle.

Terence is playing the lady who is not Cunégonde, says Vello.

Brilliant! says Belle. What fun you'll have, Terence.

Can I do my part now? asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Belle. If you can find something to use for a blanket.

Terence starts looking.

The only thing he can find is Vello's unwashed Tour Down Under jersey.

Now what? says Terence.

We're doing a run-through of scene one, this morning, says Vello. You are in scene three. So go into the corner and practise being under your blanket.

Okay, says Terence.

Right, says David. Scene one is the card game. Who's in it? Let me see. Twelve card players. Will that be a problem?

Maybe we should start with scene two, suggests Belle.

No, says Vello, scene one contains my amusing commentary on the current literary scene in Paris.

Hardly current, says Iris Murdoch.

Trust you to say something like that, says Vello.

Need I remind you I chose the seduction scene as our starting point? says Iris Murdoch.

Am I in it? asks Terence.

NO! says Belle. You probably shouldn't even see it. Stay under the jersey.

It's boring, says Terence. And it smells.

Practise poking your hand out, says Iris. As I recall it's described by our illustrious author as a plump hand.

What's a plump hand? asks Terence.

An enlarged hand, says Gaius. 

A fat hand, says Iris.

How can I practise a fat hand? asks Terence.

That's something for you to work on, says Vello.

Terence wriggles back under the jersey to work on his hand.

The Fraudulent Lady

Vello calls Gaius.

Hello, says Gaius. Has anyone won the competition?

Yes, says Vello. Iris Murdoch.

That name rings a bell, says Gaius.

A fellow philosopher, says Vello. You've probably read some of her novels.

I doubt it, says Gaius.

I was wondering, says Vello, if you'd be available to take part in our play.

As the old woman? asks Gaius..

The old woman is not in this excerpt, says Vello. You could play the abbé.

I was planning to travel to Queensland, says Gaius.

What about the cyclones? says Vello.

I know, says Gaius. Most annoying. I suppose Sweezus is playing Candide.

If he returns in time, says Vello.

And Belle will play Cunégonde, says Gaius.

Cunégonde is not in it, says Vello. But there is a part for a lady who is not Cunégonde.

Who is the lady? asks Gaius.

The lady who is not Cunégonde, says Vello. A fraudulent person, under a blanket.

Surely Belle won't be playing that part? says Gaius.

No, she will play the Marchioness, says Vello. I thought Terence might play the false lady. He only has to poke out his hand.

I'm sure he'd enjoy doing that, says Gaius.

Excellent, says Vello. Rehearsal tomorrow. at nine am in my office.

We'll be there, says Gaius.

The Seduction

 Belle comes in with the bottle. 

She is in the process of screwing on the lid.

Iris! says Belle. You're our winner?

Yes, says Iris Murdoch. I am. That's not my prize is it?

Well, yes, says Belle. I was just...

Yes? says Iris Murdoch.

Belle looks at Vello.

Refilling it, says Vello. At my request. I confess that I drank it, in a moment of stress during the Tour.

You old devil, says Iris Murdoch. Did you think I wouldn't notice?

How could you have noticed? says Vello. One set of bathwater looks much like another.

I doubt Belle was having a bath in your office kitchen, says Iris Murdoch. 

That's true, says Belle. It's just tap water, but the bottle hasn't been washed since papa drank the bathwater.

Homeopathy, says Iris Murdoch. I know all about that.

You are a knowledgeable woman, says Vello. 

Thank you, says Iris Murdoch. I must say I enjoyed Gaius's article about the orange bellied parrots, and the video made me laugh. Especially when I reaised that you must have come up with the hidden bicycle competition solely in order to have a bicycle in it.

You know me, says Vello. Inventive.

Of course, says Iris Murdoch. Tell me, are you putting Candide on again this year?

Thinking about it, says Vello. How did you know?

Because we always do it, says David.

A different bit though, says Belle.

Which bit are you doing? asks Iris Murdoch.

You choose, says Vello, taking his yellowed copy of Candide from the shelf. Take a random stab, anywhere, and we'll do it.

Iris likes this idea. 

She opens the book at random. Page 105. After supper the Marchioness took Candide to her private room and led him to a couch...

This one, says Iris Murdoch. The seduction. 

The seduction it is, says Vello. 

Steady on, says David. 

Come on, says Iris Murcoch, Vello said he would do it. 

What fun! says Belle. I'll play the Marchioness. With her garter. 

Who's playing  Candide? asks Iris Murdoch.

Sweezus, says Vello.

Maybe not though, says Belle.

I'd love to play Candide, says Iris Murdoch. If Sweezus doesn't.

But you're a woman! says Vello.

Come on papa, says Belle. What's the problem?

Yes, what's the problem? asks Iris Murdoch, shaking her bottle of diluted bathwater at Vello. 

Diluting The Prize

The general opinion is that they should allow 'at the left elbow'.

So we have our winner, says Vello. Who is it?

Sweezus looks at the sceeen.

I. M. says Sweezus. 

Email them, says Vello, and tell them they've won.

Sweezus sends I.M. an email.

Congratulations! You are the winner of  Velosophy's hidden bicycle competition. Please come into our office (during business hours), to claim your prize.

Done, says Sweezus. Now can I go?

Yes, says Vello. Enjoy your two day holiday.

No worries, says Sweezus.

He goes.

He doesn't have to play Candide this year, does he? says Belle. It might be more fun if someone else does it. More intriguing.

Who then? says Vello.

How about Terence? says David.

Very funny, says Vello.

I.M. has replied, says Belle.

She opens the email.

Wonderful news! I shall come in right away. Can't wait to receive my bottle of Baby Pierre's bath water. Regards. I. M.

The winner's coming right away, says Belle. Where's the bath water?

Drat! says Vello. I drank it all, remember?

But you've still got the bottle, says Belle. We'll just refill it.

Here, you do it, says Vello, taking the empty bottle out of the back pocket of his cycling jersey, which is draped over  a chair.

She goes off to do it.

Isn't that cheating? asks David.

No, says Vello. It is merely diluting the prize. 

Hm, says David.

Knock-knock! someone knocks on the door of the office.

Enter! says Vello.

A woman enters, wearing a voluminous skirt.

Iris Murdoch! says Vello. What are you doing here?

Claiming my prize, says Iris Murdoch.

Curses! thinks Vello

Where His Left Elbow Would Be

The next day, Vello and David are back in the office.

Right, says Vello. Let's strike while the iron is hot.

Has Gaius approved it? asks David.

I don't know. Has he? asks Vello.

Sweezus looks up from his screen.

Yeah, I think so.

Good, says Vello, pressing PUBLISH.

It's done. Gaius's article about the orange-bellied parrots, the doctored video, and details of the hidden bicycle competition, are up.

For better or worse, it's done, says Vello. I think we all deserve a short break before we start rehearsing.

Sweezus hears the word 'break'.

David hears the word 'rehearsing'.

Great, says Sweezus. Me and Arthur are heading up the coast for a few days.

A few days! says Vello. How many?

Like, a week? ventures Sweezus.

Two days max, says Vello. I want you to play Candide again in my Fringe show.

Can't somone else do it? asks Sweezus.

Belle comes in.

Do what? asks Belle.

Play the part of Candide, says Sweezus. I always do it. 

David could do it, says Belle.

You flatter me, says David.

Geez! says Sweezus. 

What is it? asks Vello. Are we getting some likes?

Yeah, a shitload, says Sweezus. And heaps of entries.

Has anyone got it right? asks Vello.

Sweezus looks through the entries.

Behind the first tree on the left/ among the reeds in the foreground/ in the water to the right of the canoe/

Wrong, wrong, and wrong, says Sweezus.

Lauren did a great job of hiding it, says Belle.

Here's one. says Sweezus. At the lobster's left elbow.

That's not exactly right, says David. It's not his left elbow.

But it is where his left elbow would be, says Belle.

If he had an elbow, says David.

Do we allow it or not? asks Vello. Opinions?

The fate of the potential winner of Baby Pierre's bottled bathwater lies in the balance.......

Stage 6: Unley to Mt Lofty - Peaking

The final stage. The winner will be decided today.

The teams ride out from Unley.

Baby Pierre expects to do well.

Lauren has promised him more Reiki.

She stands on the sidelines with Belle.

I really don't get how it works, says Belle. You're nowhere near him.

To be honest, neither do I, says Lauren, but I do know we have a connection.

She closes her eyes and, with her hands, makes mysterious passes.

Baby Pierre is already halfway up Mount Lofty.

Weee! His road rash tingles pleasantly.

Vello too feels a certain something.

Snuuh! he says, involuntatily.

What's the matter? asks David. Feeling poorly?

Just the opposite, says Vello. There's a new zing to my knee.

He speeds up, drawing level with Stephen Williams.

You're going well, says Stephen Williams.

Eat my dust, says Vello, speeding away.

He speeds past Belle and Lauren, towards Mount Lofty.

What's got into papa? wonders Belle.

Lauren wonders the same thing. She hadn't directed her Reiki at him.

Arthur and Surfing-with-Whales pedal past them.

Belle waves.

Lauren calls out. Good luck on Mount Lofty!

They have to go up it three times! says Belle. Papa's peaking too early.

David and Gaius ride past, raising their eyebrows at Belle.

Catch up with him! shouts Belle. Tell him he's peaking too early!

They speed up a little. Will they do it?

What a day.

Baby Pierre has already won the stage (theoretically).

Even Phil Liggett has noticed.

What a magnificent ride from Baby Pierre, says Phil Liggett. He's become very popular with the fans. There's been a rumour that his bathwater has speed-inducing properties. What do you think of that idea, Robbie?

I don't know about that, says Robbie McEwen.

Their attention is turned to the registered riders who are speeding (for the third time) up Mount Lofty.

And it's Stephen Williams, says Phil Liggett. Followed by Jhonatan Narváez and Isaac del Toro Romero. Well done lads! First, second and third in the Stage and first, second and third in the General Classification.

Isn't that nice.

Stage 5: Christies Beach to Willunga Hill - Red Bits

A hot day, and they have to climb Willy Hill twice!

At least it is nice at the coast.

Blue skies, waving crowds, the ocean.

The peloton relaxes.

Isaac del Toro knows that today he will probably lose the ochre jersey.

Luke Burns hopes to secure KOM.

The temperature rises.

And with it the rumours.

He sped up after he drank it, says Arthur.

Yeah? says Sweezus.

And there were red bits floating in it, says Arthur.

You've got good eyes, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Oscar Onley is passing.

He catches up with his team mate, Patrick Bevin.

Heard about the red bits? asks Oscar Onley.

Don't worry, says Patrick Bevin. It was just the old guy from Team Philosophe.

Yeah, but what if some other guys get hold of it? asks Oscar Onley.

Finn reckons it was his own bathwater he was drinking, says Patrick.

Shizz! says Oscar Onley. Some guys are weird. So what were the red bits?

Bits of old dude, says Patrick Bevin.

They both laugh loudly, and speed off.

Team Philsophe are further behind, enjoying the coastline.

People are talkng, says David.

People do that, says Vello.

About you, says David. You were seen yesterday drinking the prize bathwater.

All to the good, says Vello. 

Not all publicity is good publicity, says Gaius. 

In this case it is, says Vello. We already have thirty three more subscribers.

Pity about the prize then, says David.

Keep quiet about that, says Vello. I still have the bottle.

Jhonatan Navráez is passing and hears this.

He speeds up to Elia Viviani.

That bath water, says Jhonatan Navráez.

What bath water? asks Elia Viviani. 

The prize bathwater, says Jhonatan Navráez. Yesterday that Vello guy drank it.

And who is he? asks Elia Viviani. Remind me.

The Team Philosophe leader, says Jhonatan Navráez.

And how did he do, yesterday? asks Elia Viviani.

Better than he should have, says Jhonatan Navráez. And he still has the bottle.

So what? thinks Elia Viviani. I have a hill to climb twice.

It is true.

Everyone has a hill to climb twice.

In the end a select group of climbers approaches the finish.

Oscar Onley is among them. 

He is still grinning to himself about old dude's red bits...

...as he sprints forward to win. 

Stage 4: Murray Bridge to Port Elliot - Aghast

A good day for racing.

Bang! The teams ride out of Murray Bridge.

Sweezus: Hear what happened to Baby Pierre?

Surfing-with-Whales: Yeah.

Julian Alaphillipe: What is it that happened?

Surfing-with-Whales: Came off. He's having Reiki. 

Lilian Calmejane: Did he get road rash?

Isaac del Toro: Road rash? I thought Baby Pierre was a pebble.

Danny van Poppel (thinks): Hmm. I must tell Sam Welsford.

He zooms off.

Langhorne Creek.

Baby Pierre is going great guns. Wheee! All because of the Reiki. He can feel it right now.

Lauren can do it long distance.

It feels good. Whoop! Nothing can stop him.

Dany van Poppel has caught up to Sam Welsford.

Danny van Poppel: Keep an eye out for Baby Pierre. He's had Reiki.

Sam Welsford: Thanks for the heads up.

Danny van Poppel: That's okay. By the way, happy birthday.

Sam Welsford: Thanks, bro. Feeling lucky!

Gemmell Hill. The only climb of the day.

Team Philosophe is having trouble.

Vello: Puff-puff. My knee!

David: Puff-puff. Rise above it.

Gaius: We could all do with a sip of your prize.

Vello: What? The bath water?

Gaius: Only joking.

David: Has Lauren succeeded in getting it?

Vello: Puff-puff. Yes. She gave it to me this morning. It's in my back pocket.

David: You brought it with you?

Vello: Safest place for it.

Gaius: And the most foolish. 

Vello (looking over his shoulder): A small sip won't hurt.

David and Gaius are aghast. Surely he wouldn't!

Vello sips the bath water.

It does seem to help him get up Gemmell Hill.

But not to win.

Nor does Baby Pierre win, as he has done too many doublebacks and loopings.

No, sorry to say, it's again going to be, for the third time this Tour...

The birthday boy, Sam Welsford.

Stage 3: Tea Tree Gully to Campbelltown - Bath

Yesterday 

Something happened at the Fox Creek picnic.

Baby Pierre came limping by, wheeling his tiny bicycle.

What happened! cries Kobo.

Came off, mutters Baby Pierre.

Are you injured? asks Lauren (thinking: it will be good if he is). 

I ran into a pickled plum, says Baby Pierre.

He shows them his skinny round knees, indented with pickled plum bits.

Oh dear, says Lauren. Those knees need cleaning. Let me assist you.

She produces her bottle of Fox Creek water.

Is that my screwdriver? asks Baby Pierre.

Oops! It's still in the bottle.

Lauren fishes it out.

.....

But that was yesterday. 

Today is Stage 3. Tea Tree Gully to Campbelltown.

And its nearly all over!

It's the final tricky descent of Gorge Road.

Ryan Mullen and Danny van Poppel lead Sam Welsford out.

Now they swing off, leaving Sam Welsford to sprint for the finish.

So it's him again!

Belle and Lauren are waiting at the finish.

Him again, says Belle.

I know, says Lauren.

Did you get the bath water? asks Belle.

You wouldn't believe it! says Lauren. Baby Pierre crashed yesterday, into your pickled plum.

How awful! says Belle. Is he okay?

Yes, says Lauren. Sore knees only. He's back racing today. But the good news is I was there when he limped back to Ageless.

So you bathed his knees, says Belle. And I guess you kept the water.

I had no end of trouble, says Layuren. His screwdriver was in the bottle. He recognised it of course, so I had to explain everything.

How did he take it? asks Belle.

Remarkably well, says Lauren. I promised him a free session of Reiki. And he let me keep the water.

Did he have to get into the bottle? asks Belle.

No, he sat in Kobo's bento box, says Lauren. And then I tipped the used water into the bottle.

Had you taken the screwdriver out? asks Belle.

Yes, says Lauren. Ageless needed it to tighten up one of the wheels of the bicycle.

I feel bad about the plum, says Belle.

You really don't need to, says Lauren

Stage 2: Norwood to Lobethal - Not Yet

Wonderful! It is not a hot day!

The teams roll out of Norwood and head for the hills.

Belle waits at Ashton, the first climb.

Lauren comes up with a paper bag full of pickled plums.

Want one? asks Lauren. Watch out, they're really sour.

Thanks, says Belle. She takes one. How'd you go yesterday?

No luck, says Lauren. Ageless had forgotten the tools.

I guess he thought he wouldn't need them on a picnic, says Belle.

He promised to bring them today, says Lauren

Another picnic? says Belle.

So it would seem, says Lauren. He and Kobo are down at Fox Creek.

Great, says Belle. Have you brought the empty bottle?

Yes, says Lauren.

They watch the teams work their way up the first intermediate climb.

Go papa! shouts Belle, when she sees him.

Vello gives her the thumbs up.

She throws him a red pickled plum.

Missed it!

What was that she threw at me? asks Vello.

Looked like a pickled plum, says David. 

Glad I missed it, says Vello

They keep pedalling, as does everyone.

Pedal pedal, until they reach Lobethal. 

Then it's three laps round Lobethal, including the cat 2 Fox Creek climb.

Ageless and Kobo are picnicking beside a stretch of Fox Creek.

French stick with paté and radishes for him. Stuffed rice balls for her.

Lauren appears, with an empty bottle.

Tools? asks Lauren.

Here, says Ageless. 

The race is coming! cries Kobo.

All three turn to look. 

Who is winning?

You really can't tell yet. 

A bit later, in Lobethal, after three laps: 

Who is it?

It's Isaac Del Toro.

That's great, but do we know if Lauren obtained any molecules from the tools that Baby Pierre used, and which Ageless brought to the picnic?

Not yet.

Stage 1: Tanunda to Tanunda - Pickled Plum

 A hot day, in Tanunda, and elsewhere.

Bang! The race starts.

There goes Team Bora-Hansgrohe. 

They look confident.

There goes Team Bahrain-Victorious.

They look confident too.

There goes Team Jayco Alula.

They look hopeful.

There goes Team Philosophe.

Mm. Not so much.

Let's follow them out of Tanunda.

Wait. First let us look for a stream.

Yes, there is one. The Tanunda Creek, with its summer dribble of water.

And there are Ageless and Kobo, on the bank, each with a bento box, containing their picnic.

And here is Lauren, turning up.

She appears to be asking for something.

Ageless is shaking his head. Kobo is offering Lauren a pickled plum.

But we cannot linger.

The teams have raced through Greenock and Nuriootpa, and are heading up Mengler's Hill. 

How many times do we have to do this? asks Vello.

Weren't you supposed to find out? puffs David.

Someone is bound to know, says Gaius.

The teams pedal furiously, up, down, and back to Tanunda.

They ride past the creek.

Lauren is standing in the creek bed, dipping something into a puddle.

Ageless and Kobo are splitting an orange between them.

But let us move on.

Baby Pierre has caused a few crashes, with his dardevil tactics.

He has few admirers, among the riders.

But most of them covet the bathwater prize.

Fast forward to the finish, and... it's Sam Welsford of Bora-Hansgrohe, being led out by team mate Danny van Poppel! 

Sam Welsford wins! Phil Bauhaus of Bahrain-Victorious, comes second.

Third is Binian Girmay from Intermarché-Wanty.

Good for those guys!

But we don't yet know whether Lauren has been successful.

The Tools Of Good Fortune

Any idea where Baby Pierre is? asks Lauren.

He could be anywhere, says Belle.

What about his things? asks Lauren.

He doesn't have things, says Belle. Except for his bicycle.

He must have tools, says Lauren. For when the bicycle goes wrong.

Why are you asking? asks Belle. 

I just need something of his, to soak in some water, says Lauren.

For the prize? says Belle. Can't you use any old water?

That's not how I roll, says Lauren. I've a reputation to consider.

As a Reiki practitioner, says Belle. Okay, let's find him, or one of his things.

She calls Gaius.

Hello Gaius. Are you at home at the moment?

No, says Gaius. I'm at the top of Mount Lofty.

Is Baby Pierre there? asks Belle.

He'll be on his way to Tanunda, says Gaius.

Tanunda? says Belle.

The race starts there tomorrow, says Gaius. You know that,

Did he take his tool kit? asks Belle.

I don't believe so, says Gaius. He usually trusts to good fortune. And he knows he can borrow one of my mini-screwdrivers, should he need to.

Has he ever done that? asks Belle.

Once or twice, says Gaius. 

And where are they? asks Belle.

I believe Ageless is transporting them, says Gaius.

What for? asks Belle.

He and Kobo are following Baby Pierre to Tanunda, says Gaius. Their heart is set on a romantic picnic, near a stream. Something Kobo read about in a book about the 2011 Japanese earthquake.

Are there streams in Tanunda? asks Belle. It seems like a long way to go.

That's what I thought, says Gaius. You can never guarantee streams will be running, these days.

So true, says Belle. Have they left yet?

They're taking a bus, says Gaius. Now I must ride down from Mount Lofty, before the traffic builds up.

Bye, says Belle. 

What did you find out? asks Lauren.

Ageless is taking a bus to Tanunda, with tools that Baby Pierre has touched, says Belle. He's planning a picnic with Kobo, near a stream. 

Great, says Lauren. Traces of Baby Pierre and convenient water. That's all I need. Wait. Do you have an empty bottle?

The Green Elbow

Sunday.

Vello is in the office, looking for a knee brace.

Lauren comes in.

I hoped I'd find you here, says Lauren. It's done. Hidden.

My knee brace? says Vello.

What knee brace? says Lauren. I've hidden the bicycle in Gaius's video. It's all good to go.

Thank you Lauren, says Vello. Have you shown it to Gaius?

Not yet, says Lauren. I'm showing you first.

Of course, says Vello. I'll look at it as soon as I find this damn knee brace.

Bad knee? asks Lauren. You know I'm a stage two Reiki practitioner?

I'll be fine, says Vello. I don't hold with Reiki. 

Nietszche found it quite effective, says Lauren.

That's not what I heard, says Vello.

Is this it? asks Lauren, opening a drawer. This dirty old knee brace?

Yes! says Vello.

It's lost its elasticity, says Lauren. You should buy a new one.

Curses, says Vello. I need it for training this evening.

Let me help, says Lauren, pushing papers to one end of the desk. Lie down and relax with your knee up.

NO! says Vello. Just show me the video.

Okay, your loss, says Lauren. She shows him the video.

Where's the bicycle. asks Vello. I can't see it.

You're not supposed to, says Lauren

I am supposed to, says Vello. 

Blame your knee, says Lauren. The pain prevents you from focusing on finding the bicycle.

Just show me where it is, snaps Vello. And what's Ageless doing in the water? 

Impersonating Du Fresne, says Lauren. He was sitting in a bean bag, which was the closest thing to a canoe that they had in the library, and I photoshopped him in. Look hard.

Vello looks hard.

Lauren eyeballs his knee with an otherworldly expression.

His knee tingles.

Vello refuses to acknowledge the tingling.

But now! He sees part of a green wheel, jutting out from the left side of Ageless, like a green elbow.

I see it! says Vello. Excellent work, Lauren. 

Any time, says Lauren. Is there anything else? 

No, that will be all, says Vello.

What about the prize? asks Lauren. Baby Pierre's bath water. I could arrange it.

Vello had forgotten about the bath water, since his knee began hurting.

Do it! says Vello.

Crackpot Or Genius

Saturday evening. Wakefield Street is buzzing.

The Classic Criterium is about to go off.

Bang! 

The crowds cheer.

Until there are no riders to look at.

Now what? ask some of the children.

They'll be back, say some of their parents. They go round and round.

Then what? ask the childen.

Then it's finished, say their parents. 

This is not as exciting as the children had expected.

But it is fun for the teams.

There goes Jhonatan Narváez from Team Ineos, looking happy. 

How is it you are looking so happy? asks Elia Viviani. This race is not counted.

That is why, says Jhonatan Narváez.

Me, I am focused on the race proper, says Elia Viviani.

A tiny bicycle shoots under his wheels.

Accidenti! shouts Elia Viviani. Who is going under my wheels?

It was Baby Pierre, says Luke Burns, who witnessed the incident.

Let him not come under me again, says Elia Viviani.

No worries. Baby Pierre has shot forward and is now under the wheels of Sweezus.

Sweezus wobbles.

Little bugger! says Sweezus.

Who? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Baby Pierre, says Sweezus. He's frickin' everywhere. 

Yeah, that'll be for the competition, says Surfing-with-Whales. Publicity. Did you hear what the prize is?

Bath water! snorts Sweezus. Who the hell came up with that?

Your boss, that's what mum told me, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Sounds like the boss, says Sweezus. He can be a real crackpot.

Or a genius, says Surfing-with-Whales. 

They stop talking and speed up at this point, because they are falling behind.

Up at the front, in the breakaway, the subject is the same.

Bath water! says Natnael Tesfazion. They wouldn't want mine.

Or mine! laughs Isaac del Toro.

Are you speaking of the prize bath water of Baby Pierre? asks Jhonatan Narváez.  

Yes, says Natnael Tesfazion.The prize bath water. 

I would like to win it, says Jhonatan Narváez.

Baby Pierre zooms past them, turns and threads his way back though their wheels.

A daredevil performance.

Jhonatan Narváez is inspired.

And today, he will be the winner. 

So what if the results are not counted?

Not A Pee Just A Bath

What are you scheming, Vello? asks David.

There will be a prize, says Vello. If Baby Pierre is willing.

To be bottled, says Gaius. Ha ha!

No way! says Baby Pierre. I can't be bottled!

Not you, says Vello. Your bath water. I assume you take baths.

I never take baths, says Baby Pierre.

Perhaps you ought to, says Vello. These days it's hard to make out your tulip.

It's NOT A TULIP! cries Baby Pierre. It's the Mark of the Claw!

We know, says Gaius. Vello is teasing.

I'm going! says Baby Pierre.

He speeds away on his tiny bicycle.  

So much for that idea, says David. It was daft anyway.

Not so daft, says Vello. Especially if Baby Pierre does well in the Tour Down Under.

He always does well, says Gaius. But no one notices.

This time we'll make sure they notice, says Vello. 

Simon Clarke rolls by, on his new Factor Ostro VAM.

Nice bike, says Vello.

Thanks, says Simon Clarke. It's a new one.

Heard about our hidden bicycle comp? asks Vello.

Nup, says Simon Clarke. Been too busy.

There's a special prize, says Vello. A bottle of water that Baby Pierre bathed in.

What do you do with it, drink it? asks Clarkey.

Whatever you like, says Vello.

Wash in it, says David. 

Or pour it away, says Gaius. And use the bottle for an alternative purpose.

Baby Pierre is kind of a legend, says Clarkey. 

Indeed, says Vello. And his talent is bound to rub off.

Cool concept, says Clarkey, riding off on his VAM.

Soon the Tour Village is buzzing with rumours.

You know that magazine velosophy? yeah for the olds, yeah but they've got this comp and the prize is kind of awesome a bottle of water that baby pierre took a bath in fuck that's like... yuck, why ... not a pee just a bath idiot ha ha, it's like you know, homeopathy. a little bit of baby in every drop like one molecule, that's enough, what's it called? velosophy, yeah you should take a squizz...

Vello's plan seems to be working.

Bottle You

Gaius meets Vello and David in Unley.

Do we want to do this? asks Vello. It's hot.

We can always postpone it, says David. 

Until the evening, says Vello. 

See you later, losers! says Baby Pierre. Mount Lofty here I come!

He zooms towards the hills, whooping.

How about a frappé? asks Vello. 

Excellent idea, says Gaius. 

They wheel their bikes to a café, and sit outside.

Along come Michael Storer and Damien Howson.

Hey guys! says Michael Storer. Done Mount Lofty?

Not yet, says Vello. We're enjoying a frappé.

Cool, says Damien Howson. Let's get one!

Yeah, let's, says Michael Storer.

They sit down.

How about this competition? asks Michael.

What about it? asks Vello.

The hidden bicycle, says Damien. In your online 'zine.

O that, says Vello. Yes we are holding a competition. The bicycle will be hidden in a video about orange bellied parrots.

No kidding? says Damien. Like, what's the connection?

There is no connection, says Gaius. And there is no prize for finding it.

It's merely a hook, says Vello.

Also, says David, a bike is required, for publication in Velosophy.

Geez, says Michael Storer. No prize. That's a pity.

Kudos, says Vello. You could say that's a prize.

Five frappés arrive, with striped paper straws.

Everyone starts sucking. Swuuuurp...swubble...sww...

These paper straws. They tend to close up on you.

Michael and Damien leave. They have a team meeting.

Nice lads, says David. They seemed all right with mere kudos.

Hmm, says Vello. Not as all right as they could be. Perhaps we should have a prize. 

Too late now, says David. It'll be all over the Team Village that there isn't one.

As it should be, says Gaius. I object to a prize.

As do I, in principle, says Vello. But we could use more subscribers.

Zooom! Baby Pierre zooms past on his tiny bicycle.

Surely he hasn't already completed Mount Lofty?

Weee! says Baby Pierre. I've just gone up and down Mount Lofty without stopping! That was fun.

If only we could bottle you, says Vello.

His eyes gleam a little.

An idea is forming.  

Old Duffers

Gaius comes inside.

Right, says Gaius. A light lunch, and then afternoon training.

He has said this to himself, But Baby Pierre overhears him.

Can I come? asks Baby Pierre.

I don't see why not, says Gaius, opening the fridge to look for some cheese.

Curses. No cheese.

But there is a brown speckled banana. 

Brown skin means nothing. The banana tastes fine. 

On the window sill, Baby Pierre wheels his bike out from behind the aloe vera.

Ageless looks up.

He has been listening to Kobo telling him about the book she is reading.

It's about the 2011 Japanese earthquake and tsunami.

See you later! says Baby Pierre. I've got training, with Gaius.

Lucky you, says Ageless. 

The writer goes on a picnic, says Kobo. With a bear. The bear invites her. 

Baby Pierre is leaving, says Ageless.

Yes, goodbye Baby Pierre, take care on the roads. Now where was I? says Kobo. O yes, there are two picnics with the bear. The first is after the nuclear meltdown The second is before.

Are you trying to confuse me, my mischievous creampuff? says Ageless.

Not at all, says Kobo. And don't call me that. It's a literary device. The writer switches time frames to make a powerful point.

And what is that? asks Ageless. No wait, don't tell. me, I must speak with Baby Pierre.

Hurry up, I'm going, says Baby Pierre. 

Ask Gaius about the prize for the competition, says Ageless. Tell him you think there should be one.

I don't care if there isn't one, says Baby Pierre.

You should, says Ageless. Don't you want to be famous?

By winning races, says Baby Pierre. Not by finding a photo of part of a wheel of my own bicycle in a magazine that's only read by old duffers.

He's got a point, Ageless, says Kobo. Let him go. Now, you were asking me about literary devices.

No I wasn't, says Ageless. I was asking you what the powerful point was.

A comparison, says Kobo. A picnic post-nuclear meltdown compared with a picnic in pre-meltdown days.

I imagine the first one was better, says Ageless. Why don't we have a similar picnic, beloved?

I should like that, says Kobo. You can be the bear. You will catch a fish in the river, and eat it with bread and paté and radishes. I'll be the writer. I shall eat rice balls and pickles.

They imagine the scene. Fish. Grass, River. Pre-nuclear meltdown.

It's just like old times.

No Sticky Smooch

Ageless doesn't bother to get dry.

Why should he? He's a lobster. 

He climbs up to the window sill above the sink, where Kobo sits reading.

His beloved, clik-clik, his delectable fossilised clam. 

What do you want? asks Kobo.

I hear you've been pining, says Ageless.

Who said so? asks Kobo.

Never mind, says Ageless. I'm here now.

I have not been pining, says Kobo. If Gaius thinks I've been pining, he's wrong.

You must have shown some emotion, says Ageless. 

Not on the surface, says Kobo, but it's true I've been reading something that made me feel sad.

You must tell me, says Ageless.

It's about... begins Kobo.

But not right now, says Ageless. I'm feeling dejected myself. For many reasons. Number one, the usual....

Cancer the Crab, says Kobo. 

Yes, says Ageless. You always understand me. 

It's not hard, says Kobo.

Number two, continues Ageless, there is the video, in which I represented Du Fresne.

Did something go wrong? asks Kobo. 

Ageless tells Kobo the whole story, as he understands it.

So, says Kobo. The quoll gets a reward, while you get nothing. Poor Ageless.

A hug would be nice, says Ageless. Or a sticky smooch even better. Or what if I...

Ewww! GROSS! says Baby Pierre.

What are you doing here? asks Ageless 

I live here, says Baby Pierre. This is where I keep my bicycle.

Over there, says Kobo. Behind the aloe vera.

Yes, there is the tiny front wheel, sticking out.

Lauren took a photo, says Baby Pierre. For the competition.

I know, says Ageless. I know all about everything.

You don't know what Kobo's been reading, says Baby Pierre.

He's right, says Kobo. You don't. It was about the....

Never mind that, says Ageless. I think there should be a prize for that competition.

Kobo rolls her eyes, which are not outwardly visible.

Argumentative Puffball

Belle and Lauren have left the library.

Ageless sits for a while, staring at Cancer the Crab. The Usurper. 

Then he closes the book on constellations, and heads down the stairs. 

He will visit Kobo, his beloved. She'll console him.

He catches a bus to Gaius's house, and scrapes at the front door.

No answer. He goes round the side.

Climbs up the brick wall, and looks in through a window.

Ahhh! There she is on the shelf. 

The window is open.

Clik-clik, clicks Ageless. It's me.

Kobo looks up from her reading.

It is you,  says Kobo. She returns to her reading.

Why so cold, my beloved? asks Ageless.

I've got used to life without you, says Kobo. 

But I never will, says Ageless.

You don't know what you're saying, says Kobo.

What am I saying? asks Ageless. 

At least she is speaking.

You'll never get used to life without you, says Kobo. It doesn't mean anything.

I didn't mean me, says Ageless, but if I did, I would have meant it.

You haven't changed, says Kobo.  

Nor have you, says Ageless. My argumentative puffball.

Enough of the puffball, says Kobo. Why don't you come in?

Can't, says Ageless. Door's shut.

Gaius is out the back, says Kobo.

So Ageless goes round the back, where Gaius is watering his pumpkins.

Ageless! says Gaius. What brings you here?

The quoll and the bicycle, says Ageless.

Don't tell me Lauren is photoshopping you into my video! says Gaius. It was a satirical suggestion on my part.

She is, says Ageless. I stood in for Du Fresne in good faith, little realising.

Little realising? says Gaius, directing the hose at his grapes. 

It's a reward for a quoll, says Ageless. 

Still, says Gaius. At least now Du Fresne is acknowledged. 

I should have made more of my part, says Ageless.

The video is unimportant, says Gaius. It's my article that readers will find interesting. All this fuss about hiding a bicycle. 

Is there a prize? asks Ageless. For finding the bicycle?

Jumping Jupiter! I hope not! says Gaius, spraying Ageless accidentally. 

Ptushhh! splutters Ageless. I'm going inside.

Yes indeed, go in and get dry, says Gaius. I'll be in shortly. Talk to Kobo, she's not been herself lately. Pining for you I shouldn't wonder.

Pining for him!

Ageless hurries inside.

Is The Pain Showing?

How does this look? asks Ageless.

Lauren has convinced him to push back his red knitted hat.

Click! She takes a photo

 Let me see it, says Belle.

Is the pain showing? asks Ageless.

What pain? asks Belle. 

Du Fresne's pain, says Ageless. I attempted to channel it.

I took another one without the hat, says Lauren.

Let's see that one, says Belle. 

Which one is better? asks Lauren.

Did Du Fresne wear a red knitted hat? asks Belle.

He did, says Ageless. That's why I insisted.

Pushed back like that? asks Belle.

I doubt it, says Ageless. We lobsters like to wear our brims down.

I asked him to push it up, says Lauren. So his eyes showed.

Well, I like it, says Belle. It's the best one.

Great, says Lauren. It'll be tiny anyway. The lagoon's in the distance.

O is it? says Ageless.

Now I just have to decide where to hide the bicycle, says Lauren.

What bicycle? asks Ageless. Du Fresne didn't mention a bicycle.

There was no bicycle, originally, says Lauren. I've been asked to hide one in the video. Actually Sweezus was asked to, but I volunteered, as he's got training.

Who asked Sweezus to hide one? asks Ageless.

Vello, says Lauren. Gaius can't get his article published in Velosophy otherwise.

And why does he want to? asks Ageless.

A pertinent question. 

It's supposed to be a reward for the quoll, says Belle. 

Ageless is starting to feel that he and Du Fresne have been dudded.

Sorrowful Beady Black Eyes

Ageless returns to his seat in the library.

Du Fresne has given the project his blessing, says Ageless.

That's great! says Belle.

Yes, says Lauren. And you're happy to pose in the beanbag?

As soon as I find my red knitted hat, says Ageless. Now, where is it?

You don't need a red knitted hat, says Lauren.

Du Fresne was wearing one, says Ageless.

I could photoshop a hat onto you, says Lauren. 

I prefer my own hat, says Ageless. 

Where is it? asks Belle.

I had it when I came in, says Ageless. And I don't recall taking it off.

Then it probably fell off while you were perusing the shelves, says Belle. 

Near the constellations, says Ageless. 

I'll go and look for it, says Belle. You get into the beanbag.

She goes off the the shelves marked Celestial Charts.

But there is no red knitted hat in that vicinity.

I'll take a look in lost property, thinks Belle.

Meanwhile Ageless is arranging himself in the beanbag.

A back view, I think, says Lauren.

I can hardly project pathos through a back view, says Ageless.

Who said anything about pathos? asks Lauren.

Du Fresne had been quietly slipping away, having realised he was moulting, says Ageless.

You're joking! says Lauren.

It's what he told me, says Ageless. And lobsters don't lie. 

So, a front view, says Lauren. Then we can see the pain in your expression.

Yes, says Ageless. And the resignation.

Resignation, exactly, says Lauren. Do you want to practise?

Ageless twists around in his beanbag. Composes his antennae and antennules to frame his black eyes.

His sorrowful beady black eyes.  

That's great! says Lauren, taking a picture. You look like a lobster with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

I have been there myself, many times, says Ageless.

In a canoe? asks Lauren.

Moulting at an inopportune moment, says Ageless. 

Belle returns with the red knitted hat.

Someone handed it in to lost property, says Belle.

Ageless puts his hat on.

Lauren frowns.

It covers his antennules, compresses his long antennae and obscures the top half of his eyes.

She wonders if Ageless could be convinced to roll up the brim.

He Has Never Sat In A Beanbag

Yes, it's me, replies Ageless. Where are you?

Tasmania, says Du Fresne. Where are you?

Adelaide, says Ageless. Let me run something by you.

Fire away, says Du Fresne.

Canoe, says Ageless. Ring a bell?

What is this? asks Du Fresne. The inquisition?

Guilty conscience? asks Ageless. 

Pas du tout! says Du Fresne.

Let me come at this from another angle, says Ageless.

Yes, do that, says Du Fresne.

I've been asked to portray you in a video, says Ageless. 

Doing what? asks Du Fresne.

That's the thing, says Ageless. They want me to sit in a beanbag.

I have never sat in a beanbag, says Du Fresne.

Doubtless, says Ageless. You've had no call to. They can be quite comfy.

What's this about? asks Du Fresne.

The beanbag is only because there are no canoes in the library, says Ageless. I, in a beanbag posing as you, in a canoe, will be photoshopped into the video. What I want to know first is, will you be happy?

No, says Du Fresne. I will not. The canoe incident was not my finest moment.

What was? asks Ageless. 

Finding the first Tzeet, says Du Fresne. As I was asked to do. How was I to know the second Tzeet would go missing?

So you organized a search party, says Ageless. It's more than I would have done.

It was more than I would have done, had I not been overtaken by an acquisitive quoll, says Du Fresne. It was all downhill from there.

I see, says Ageless. You had been slipping away quietly.

With good reason, says Du Fresne. I was beginning to feel I was moulting.

Shit-a-brick! says Ageless. So you stole a canoe. I get it. And what were you wearing?

My red knitted hat, says Du Fresne.

Perfect, says Ageless. Don't worry old chum. I'll pile on the pathos.

I don't know if..... begins Du Fresne. Then he thinks Blow it! 

What does he care if he, represented by Ageless, is photoshopped into a video, in a beanbag?

Don't things like this happen all the time?.

Old Scoundrel

Hello ladies, says Ageless, looking up from his book of constellations. 

Hello Ageless, says Belle.

Remember me? says Lauren.

Surfing-with-Whales's mother, says Ageless. Nietzsche. The shorts.

I've decided to put that behind me, says Lauren.

Very wise, says Ageless. Do you still practise Reiki?

When requested, says Lauren. Do you need healing?

On and off, says Ageless. Not at the moment. 

I see you're looking at constellations, says Belle. What's that one?

Take a guess, says Ageless.

It looks a bit like a lobster, says Belle.

Then you are more observant than most, says Ageless. 

Cancer the Crab, reads Lauren. I can never work out how they name them. 

Not by likeness, says Ageless. 

Speaking of which, says Lauren, I've come to ask you a favour. Will you pose for a photo?

Certainly, says Ageless. 

He leans forward, placing his dominant claw across Cancer the Crab.

Could you try and look as though you're in a canoe? asks Lauren.

May I ask why? asks Ageless

He could sit in a beanbag, says Belle. There's one over there in the corner.

Pause! says Ageless. Do I detect a hidden agenda?

I should have explained, says Lauren. I need a photo for a video I'm photoshopping.

And how do I fit in? asks Ageless.

You'll take the part of Du Fresne, says Lauren. He led the search party for the two orange-bellied parrots that Gaius sent to Tasmania by ferry.

Aha! says Ageless. Why didn't you say so? Du Fresne's an old seafaring friend. Surely he hasn't been reduced to captaining a canoe?

No, says Belle. But he was in it at the time the missing parrots were found.

By him? says Ageless.

By a quoll, says Belle. The quoll was nearby.

This begs many questions, says Ageless. Before I consent to this photo, I must take a moment.

He climbs off his chair, heads for the beanbag and disappears behind it.

Bshhhh Trshhhh Crshhhh Crshhhh .....

Ageless? Is that you, you old scoundrel? the voice of Du Fresne crackles faintly ......

Lobster v Crab

Lauren is staying at Belle's place.

Belle arrives home.

You look busy, says Belle.

I offered to help Sweezus with the video, says Lauren. 

O yes, says Belle. The hidden bicycle. Where have you put it?

I was thinking of placing it in the lagoon, says Lauren. In the reeds at the edge, with a bit of wheel showing.

Clever, says Belle.

But, says Lauren, when I ran the idea past Gaius, he mentioned the lobster.

Yes, the lobster, says Belle. That was Du Fresne.

Apparently he led the search party, says Lauren. And yet he gets no credit in the video.

It was a reenactment, says Belle. And Du Fresne had gone home. Or wherever.

If I'm adding a bicycle I can add a lobster, says Lauren.

What a lovely idea, says Belle. Do you have a suitable photo?

I could use a stock photo, says Lauren.

Why don't you? says Belle.

They aren't posed right, says Lauren. 

Like they just got off a bicycle? says Belle. And it rolled away somewhere. And they lost it?

A pose like that would be good, says Lauren. Or in a canoe, bending forward.

Even harder, says Belle. But wait! You should get in touch with Ageless lobster.

Would he pose for a photo? asks Lauren

If I know Ageless he'd love to, says Belle.

How do I get hold of him? asks Lauren.

Reading room at the State Library, says Belle. He's usually there.

Thanks, says Lauren. He doesn't have a phone does he?

Of course not, says Belle. Shall I come with you?

So the two of them take the bus to the State Library on North Terrace.

They go up the stairs.

Ageless is at his usual table, in his usual chair, with a book of constellations lying open at Cancer the Crab.

Unpredictable

That afternoon, Lauren calls Sweezus.

I hear you need help with the video, says Lauren.

Ah yeah no, not really, says Sweezus.

Come on, says Lauren. You've got team training. And I'm not busy.

Did Surfing-with-Whales tell you what happened? asks Sweezus.

About the lamp post, says Lauren. He told me. But I'm handy at photoshopping.

Okay, says Sweezus. I'll send you the video and the photo. You'll see the green wheel sticking out. Make it stick out behind a tree, or something. Not too easy to see. It's for a competition.

I know. I was there at the party, says Lauren. 

Oh yeah, says Sweezus. Thanks Lauren.

He sends her the video and the photo.

And goes out to do stuff with his bike.

Lauren watches the video, over and over.

Where to hide the tiny section of bike wheel?

She calls Gaius. After all it's his project.

Ring ring.

Hello? says Gaius. 

It's Lauren, says Lauren. I'm helping Sweezus with the video.

Isn't it finished? asks Gaius.

I'm placing the bicycle, says Lauren, and I wanted your feedback.

The bicycle is nothing to do with me, says Gaius. It was Arthur's idea to hide it.

I'm not consulting Arthur, says Lauren. He's too unpredictable.

I find him reliable, says Gaius.

Mm, says Lauren. So where do you suggest I hide it? A tree seems too obvious. What about the lagoon?

The lagoon? says Gaius. What would a bicycle be doing in a lagoon?

Sticking out of it, says Lauren. In the reeds at the edge.

Hum, says Gaius. Isn't there a paperbark canoe there?

Is that what it is? asks Lauren.

Indeed, says Gaius. I believe Du Fresne made use of it. 

The lobster? says Lauren. 

Yes, he was leading the search party, says Gaius. Or so I was told.

Then why isn't he in the video? asks Lauren. It looks like the quoll is the hero.

How unfair, says Gaius. Perhaps you could do something about that as well.

Sure, says Lauren. Just find me a lobster.

But Gaius was only being sarcastic, and has ended the call.

Not Never Too Late

Later that morning.

Sweezus, Arthur and Surfing-with-Whales cycle up Greenhill Road to Mount Lofty.

On the way up they don't talk much.

Finally they reach the summit.

 Hurrrr! says Surfing-With-Whales. That was freakin' hard work.

Coffee? says Sweezus.

They head for the café, order coffees, and sit down.

We'll go down and then ride up again, says Sweezus. 

No way! says Surfing-with-Whales. I'm done already.

All the more reason, says Sweezus. 

True, bro, says Surfing-with-Whales. Too many pizzas is my problem.

I thought you made them not ate them, says Arthur.

There's usually leftovers, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Other people's? says Arthur.

Why not? says Surfing-with-Whales. I need to know my own product.

Yeah but isn't it always different? asks Sweezus. You make the pizzas with stuff from their fridges.

Never too late to learn something, says Surfing-with-Whales.

That's true, says Arthur.

What have you learnt? asks Sweezus.

Banana bread, says Arthur.

You know how to make it? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

No, we should've ordered it, says Arthur.

Never too late, says Sweezus. 

Arthur goes off to order banana bread.

How's the hidden bike video going? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Complete fuck-up, says Sweezus. Baby Pierre hid his bike behind a lamp post.

What's so bad about that? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Lamp post? In the middle of some lagoony south west Tasmanian nowhere, says Sweezus. 

Yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales. But is the wheel sticking out?

Yeah, says Sweezus. It's sticking out. 

So just use the sticking out bit, says Surfing-with-Whales. Theoretically you could insert it anywhere.

It's time consuming, says Sweezus. And we've got training.

Mum's got heaps of patience, says Surfing-with-Whales. She does level two Reiki. You could ask her.

Might just do that, says Sweezus.

Arthur returns. 

The café is out of banana bread. 

It's not never too late.