Elite Riders Don't Lie

On his way to work, it occurs to Nerida's dad that he may have signed the permission form prematurely.

What about this chaperone? She may not agree to the venture.

She may have other plans.

She may even be non-existent.

Get a grip, says dad to himself.  Elite bike riders don't lie.

How true.

Arthur is at this moment calling Katherine.

Arthur! says Katherine. What a pleasant surprise! Did you find the rest of the diamonds?

No, says Arthur. I stopped looking.

Don't you have to return them? asks Katherine.

No, says Arthur. I don't actually have to.

I see, says Katherine. Oh well, I'm glad the play's over, aren't you?

Yes, says Arthur. That's why I'm calling. Are you busy in the next week or so?

Not really, says Katherine. 

That's good, says Arthur. How would you like a trip to Kroombit Tops?

Isn't that where Gaius is going? asks Katherine.

Yes, says Arthur, and he could use some extra help.

Frogs, isn't it, says Katherine. Not my favourite creature. 

It's not the frogs he wants help with, says Arthur. It's his work experience girl. She's only fifteen.

And he needs me to go as a chaperone! says Katherine. Is he paying?

No, says Arthur. He was hoping you'd pay for yourself.

Are YOU going? asks Katherine.

Probably, says Arthur. 

I know you, says Katherine. You'll leave him high and dry at some point.

So the work experience girl will be useful, says Arthur.

As would I, says Katherine. Let me think about it. When is he leaving?

Tomorrow, says Arthur. I'm about to book tickets. Yes or no?

What's she like? Have you met her? asks Katherine.

She wears friendship bracelets, says Arthur.

How sweet, says Katherine. That means she's a Swiftie.

How did you know? asks Arthur.

I'm not SO old, says Katherine. And does she like frogs?

She knows one or two things about them, says Arthur.

She sounds quite intelligent, says Katherine. We should get on well together.

Does that mean it's a yes, asks Arthur.

Yes, says Katherine. I'm always up for adventure. Well, maybe not always....there was that time I went to Kangaroo Island with Margaret...

But Arthur has ended the call, not wanting to hear her old tales.

What, Like Underpants?

Dad wants to meet you, says Nerida.

Of course he does, says Gaius. That can be arranged.

Great, says Nerida. When?

Tomorrow morning, says Gaius. Arthur will set up a meeting. But right now I must go home and pack.

That could be my job, says Nerida. Making sure you've got pencils and that.

Assuming you have the job, says Gaius, you will be responsible for a last minute check through my back pack. Or maybe not. It's just occurred to me that some of its contents are private.

What, like underpants? says Nerida.

Ahem, yes, things of that sort, says Gaius.

But they'll be clean at the start of the journey, says Nerida. It's coming home that you need to worry. 

I'm pleased to find you have a logical mind, says Gaius. Very well, I'll see you and your father tomorrow.

He heads for the exit to catch a bus home.

What's your dad like? asks Arthur. 

Pretty cool, says Nerida. I can usually get round him.

That's promising, says Arthur. 

Yeah, says Nerida. So where do we meet up tomorrow?

Cibo's in Norwood at eight, says Arthur.

See you tomorrow, says Nerida.

.......

The next morning, at eight.

Nerida and her dad are sitting at a table, with a coffee and a frappé. 

Looks like they're not coming, says Dad. Bad luck, kid.

They'll come, says Nerida. They're like, responsible people.

At ten past, Arthur arrives and sits down at their table.

Jeezus! says Dad. You're that guy from Team Condor!

I'm not the captain, says Arthur. 

Yeah yeah, not the captain That guy Sweezus is the captain. I didn't mean that when I ...

It's okay, says Arthur. Gaius'll be here in a minute.

Why didn't you tell me it was a guy from Team Condor? asks dad.

Because he's POET!, says Nerida. Wake up dad! This isn't about that.

No kid, sorry, says Dad. 

Gaius turns up.

Ah, there you all are, says Gaius. Shall we get on with the paperwork?

Not yet, says Dad. I need to know where you'll be going and what you'll be doing and who'll chaperone my fifteen year old daughter.

That is easy, says Gaius. Central Queensland, to look for endangered Kroombit Tinker Frogs. Your daughter will learn on the job.

Frogs, says Dad, I didn't think you liked frogs all that much.

I LOVE frogs, says Nerida. And there's all different kinds. Some of them are endangered because of loss of habitat, and a horrible fungus.

You surprise me! says Dad. This work experience could be just right for you. But what about the chaperone?

What kind of chaperone do you have in mind? asks Gaius. I'm not made of money.

An elderly lady, says Dad. Not too elderly. One that understands kids, and their ways.

Hum, says Gaius. And one that can pay for her flight. 

Katherine, says Arthur. Ask her. 

And who is Katherine? asks Dad.

Katherine Hume, the mother of David Hume who is a member of Team Philosophe, as I am myself on occasion, says Gaius.

Dad is convinced. He has done his due diligence on behalf of his daughter. 

Nerida produces the work experience form. Gaius signs. Dad signs. Nerida folds it up, stuffs it into her school bag....

and slurps up the rest of her frappé.

Suspicious Dad

I guess frogs are pretty cool, says Nerida.

And you are? asks Gaius.

Nerida, says Nerida. Me and Arthur hooked up in the craft shop.

Temporarily, says Arthur. 

Of course, says Gaius. Arthur will henceforth be busy.

What doing? asks Arthur.

Booking our tickets, says Gaius. Making sure I have pencils.

Do you need a work experience person? asks Nerida. 

What is a work experience person? asks Gaius. 

A year nine kid who wants to try out a job to see if they like it. says Nerida. You get a week off school and all that.

No, he doesn't need one, says Arthur, seeing where this is going.

I could help with the pencils, says Nerida. 

That is only one task, says Gaius. Or two. A sharpener always comes in useful.

And a knife, says Arthur. In case of emergencies.

What about paper? asks Nerida.

I take good care of my notebooks, says Gaius.

But they sometimes get out of order, says Arthur. Remember how you lost the orange-bellied parrot illustration?

I know heaps about parrots, says Nerida. 

We are currently concerned about endangered frogs, not parrots, says Gaius. But yes, I do sometimes lose pages.

Maybe you should invest in a stapler, says Nerida.

There's a thought, says Gaius. Arthur, make sure we have pencils and stapler!

Arthur is coming round to the idea of Gaius having a work experience person.

He sees himself obtaining the tickets and seeing the two of them off.

Leaving him free to join them later, or not, or whatever.

I guess she'd be an asset, says Arthur. She thinks about staplers, and she likes frogs.

I'll ask my dad, says Nerida, getting her phone out, and speed-dialing her dad.

Where ARE you? asks her father.

At the Fringe, says Nerida. And I met these awesome guys. One's a poet and the other one's a frog expert, actually he's a parrot expert as well, but he's a bit careless and anyhow he needs a work experience person, and I offered  because I haven't found a placement yet and please dad can I ask him to fill in the forms?... What?.... Dad! ....How come you're always so suspicious....?

His Charmed Life

The audience is pouring out of the Piglet.

I guess it's finished, says Nerida. But how come there were little kids there?

Friends of Hedley, says Arthur. He's a kid, so his friends came with their mothers.

You said it was intellectual, says Nerida.

It was once, says Arthur.

Ha ha! laughs someone in passing. That was so funny!

The puppets! laughs someone else. So unexpected.

They always do something new with Candide, says a third person. And apparently they pick excerpts at random.

Another audience member stops and stares hard at Arthur.

Weren't you in it last year?

Possibly, says Arthur.

I remember you! says the audience member. You had that wig on, and were giving out seeds. Why didn't you give out seeds this year?

Last year's seeds were donated, says Arthur. 

Are they the diamonds from the show? asks the audience member. Can I take one?

He can't let you have one, says Nerida. Half of them are already missing.

Bad luck, says the audience member. Should've stuck with free seeds.

Good advice, says Arthur.

Iris comes by.

That went well, says Iris. Oh, you've lost half the diamonds!

He's not taking them back, says Nerida.

What about that video you made of him removing them from the craft shop? asks Iris.

I deleted it, says Nerida. In exchange for a poem.

It seems Arthur lives a charmed life, says Iris. By the way, Arthur, Gaius is looking for you.

Is he? says Arthur.

He is about to slope off, when Gaius appears in his street clothes.

Arthur! says Gaius. Just the chap I was looking for. 

Why? asks Arthur.

There is nothing now holding us back from travelling to Central Queensland, to look for Kroombit Tinker Frogs, says Gaius.

Wow! says Nerida.

You have an interest in frogs? asks Gaius.

Kind of, says Nerida. If HE does.

She indicates Arthur.

Arthur tries to look like someone who might have an interest frogs.

Won't Ever Come Down

 I should have liked to show you the sunfish, says Arthur, the fish of gold...

I thought I was a swift in this poem, says Nerida.

SHOULD have, says Arthur. Meaning I couldn't, because you're a swift.

Poetry is heaps complex, says Nerida.

That's right, says Arthur. If it wasn't, it would be more like talking.

Was that the whole poem? asks Nerida.

No, says Arthur. I can always keep going.

Go on then, says Nerida. But go from the beginning, so I can record it.

Okay, says Arthur.

I should have liked to show you the sunfish of the blue wave, the fish of gold, the singing fish, says Arthur.

You didn't mention the blue wave the first time, says Nerida.

It's a work in progress, says Arthur.

Does it ever stop being about fish? asks Nerida. 

....but you, above the foam of flowers, drifting on the ineffable winds, continues Arthur.

Nice, says Nerida, because I'm a swift, so you can't show me the fish because I'm flying so high up and won't ever come down.

You preempted the ending, says Arthur.

Which is? asks Nerida.

....won't ever come down, says Arthur.

That's kind of abrupt, says Nerida, But I love it. Can I post it on Insta and Tik Tok?

All right, says Arthur, if you delete the video of me walking out of the craft shop with the diamonds.

Deal, says Nerida. You can watch me do it.

She does it. 

It's deleted.

Now Arthur expects her to go, but it seems she has nothing else to do, so she doesn't.

I Should Have Liked To Show You

Last but not least, says Vello, our invaluable stage hands!

More clapping.

Hedley's mother comes on, in the black hooded costume.

Katherine follows, holding Kobo.

Any more questions? asks Vello.

Yes, says someone. Are you giving out free seeds?

Not this year, says Vello. 

And we heard there was going to be an appearance of someone famous, says a woman.

Several of us fit that category, says Vello. You may not be aware, but the abbé was played by Gaius Plinius Secundus, the well known natural historian.

Gaius looks embarrassed.

What happened to Costa? asks another person.

You'll have to ask Arthur, says Vello.

He looks around for Arthur, but Arthur has gone off.

He is round the back of the Piglet, with the half  jar of diamonds, waiting for his young teenage friend.

Here she is, wearing her bracelets.

I never told you my name, says the teenager.

Too late now, says Arthur.

It's ...why? asks the teenager.

I gave you a name, says Arthur. Ariel.

Fuck that, says Ariel. My name's Nerida.

Told you it was too late, says Arthur.

But not why, says Nerida.

Because of the poem, says Arthur. 

O yay! says Nerida. You've actually done it?

I was doing it, says Arthur. But I'm in charge of the diamonds as well. And things went pear-shaped, thanks to a certain cast member who threw them at the audience, and we didn't get half of them back.

Shit, you're screwed now, says Nerida.

Not necessarily, says Arthur. I just won't return them.

So did you finish my poem? asks Nerida.

As far as, says Arthur. And I called you Ariel.

Cos why? asks Nerida.

The bracelet you gave me, says Arthur. The letters on the beads. I guessed you loved birds.

Birds, says Nerida. On the bracelet? Which one did I give you?

This one, says Arthur, showing her the one that she gave him.

That's not a BIRD, says Nerida. That's Tay-Tay's last name .

A swift is a bird, says Arthur. It spends most of its life in the air. It even sleeps flying. 

Cool, says Nerida. Tell it to me.

Arthur has only come up with one line so far: Ariel I should have liked to show you....

 He will need to think quick.

Half Full

Vello returns to the stage, amidst clapping.

We shall now have a short Q and A , says Vello. Feel free to leave if you wish, but please return any diamonds you may have picked up. They are only on loan.

Arthur appears with the jar. 

One or two audience members approach him and drop diamonds in it.

Come on! says Vello. There were many more diamonds than that!

Terence comes back on stage, with Greedy.

The audience, most of whom have remained, begin clapping again.

Give us that song again! cries someone.

Not allowed to, says Terence.

You are allowed to, says Vello, but not to throw diamonds.

Bondoo! Bondoo! the audience is chanting.

Vello hushes them down.

All in good time, says Vello. Let me bring on the rest of the cast. First Sweezus, who played the part of Candide.

Sweezus comes on stage and sits down at the edge.

Pop. Pop. Sounds of breaking stitches.

Tight costume? asks someone.

Yeah, right, says Sweezus. Can't wait to get out of it.

Get it off! cry one or two people.

And now, the Marchioness! says Vello. 

Belle sashays on, and sits beside Sweezus.

I thought she was Cunégonde, says one of the friend's of Hedley's mother.

Then you missed the point of the deception, says Vello. 

It's understandable, says Belle. I was Cunégonde last year, and I wore the same dress.

David and Gaius come on stage, with Hedley.

Loud cheering.

Three popular characters, says Vello. Any questions for them?

Sing Bondoo! cry the audience .

There is nothing for it, it seems.

They must all sing Bondoo. Luckliy there is not much to it.

Bondoo! Bondoo! Imagible doo! 

Diamonds make everyone honest. These are for you.

The audience joins in. Bondoo! Bondoo!

It's less fun without diamonds.

But then! A few audience members start throwing their diamonds.

Arthur picks them up.

Now the jar is half full.

Mad Scramble

Martin enters, stage left, holding a placard.

Scene 4: The Escape.

He joins Candide, who is weeping near the bed curtains.

Hedley enters, followed by the abbé.

That's Hedley! cries the little girl.

Hush, says her mother.

Are those the two suspicious strangers? asks Hedley.

Yes, says the abbé. 

Seize them! says Hedley. 

An awkward pause, as there are no minions to do it.

I shall do it, says Hedley. 

Good save, Hedley, whispers his mother, inside her black costume.

Where are you taking us? asks Candide.

To the dungeon! cries Hedley.

Candide looks at Martin.

I believe that this officer is a fraud,  says Martin, and will be easily got rid of. Offer him three diamonds.

Candide offers Hedley three diamonds.

Bon doo sir! says Hedley.

What's Bondoo? asks a boy in the audience.

French, says Hedley.

I think you'll find it's African, says someone else in the audience.

That's voodoo, says someone else.

I knew English was better, says Hedley.

All right Hedley, whispers his mother. Go on. Say it in English.

Good God Sir! says Hedley. If you had done every crime imagible, you would still be most honest! 

Why? asks a boy who knows Hedley.

That is, able to be imagined, says Hedley.

That's not what I'm asking, says the boy who knows Hedley.

Imagible is wrong, says Hedley. I just forgot it.

But why is he honest? asks the boy.

Candide feels sorry for Hedley, who probably has no idea of the subtext.

Because I have bribed him, says Candide. He is prepared to claim I am honest.

And in fact, says Martin. Candide is the most honest person in the novel. So let us continue.

The audience has become restless. When will they see more of the puppets?

I have a brother who will meet you at Dieppe, and take you to England, for a few diamonds, says Hedley.

That is a relief, says Candide. I must say, I am disappointed in Paris.

He, Martin and Hedley exit the stage.

Hedley's mother exits, with Kobo.

Terence and Greedy emerge from behind the bed curtains.

Everyone is looking.

Terence thinks it would be good to end up with a song, and do something honest with the diamonds.

He whispers to Greedy.

Bondoo sir bondoo! (sings Terence). 

Imagible doo!

Diamonds make people honest,

And these are for you!

Greedy throws several diamonds into the audience.

A mad scramble ensues.

Funny Puppets

When is Hedley going to be in it? asks a boy in the audience.

Not yet, says his mother. He's in the last scene.

Is this the last scene? asks the boy.

This is the second to last scene, says his mother. It's probably the one with the puppets. 

Hedley's mother comes on, in the black hooded costume, holding a placard.

Is that Hedley's mother? whispers one of Hedley's mother's friends.

Yes, whispers another.

It wasn't her before, whispers the first friend.

They must only have one black hooded costume, whispers the other.

Hedley's mother's placard reads: Scene 3: The Deception".

She steps aside to reveal the card table now covered with two blue scarves joined together.

Candide enters.

My dear Cunégonde! says Candide.  How are you my darling?

He steps forward to part the bed curtains.

Why is she under a table? asks a little girl loudly.

Terence who is under the table, with Greedy, pokes his head out.

It's an olden days bed, stupid, says Terence.

The audience laughs. It's the first funny bit. 

Candide pushes Terence's head back under the table with his foot.

Hedley's mother holds Kobo aloft.

Careful what you are doing! says Kobo. 

The audience laughs again.

Speak to me at least, says Candide.

Sorry, says Terence.  

She cannot speak, says Kobo.

What? She just did. The audience doesn't get it. 

Terence pokes Greedy out through the gap in the scarves.

Candide grasps Greedy and weeps.

You said you wouldn't wet me, squeaks Greedy.

Ha ha! laugh the audience. They think they are getting it now. It's one of those plays on two levels.

Candide drops several diamonds onto the plump hand of Greedy.

Greedy withdraws behind the bed curtain, with the diamonds.

Rattle-rattle-roll.......a few diamonds roll out from under the curtain.

Bumhole! says Terence. That wasn't meant to happen.

The audience is in stitches.

They LOVE these funny puppets.

It Creaks

 Katherine returns to the stage, in her black hooded costume.

She holds up a placard.

"Scene 2. The seduction"

Is this okay for children? calls out one of the friends of Hedley's mother.

Katherine does not answer.

Yes! hisses Iris Murdoch.

But, a seduction? says the friend of Hedley's mother. You can understand why I'm asking.

It's quite appropriate for children, says Iris. 

Shush! says another audience member.

Katherine withdraws, to reveal Belle sitting sideways in a hammock.

Candide enters.

Are you still devoted to the lady Cunégonde? asks Belle.

Yes madam, says Candide.

You answer like a Westphalian bumpkin, says Belle. A Frenchman would have said 'It is true I once loved her, but after seeing you I love her no more".

Very well madam, says Candide. Let that be my answer.

Belle lifts her skirt, revealing a white plaited garter. She wriggles it off, and drops it.

Would you be so good as to pick up my garter? asks Belle.

What did she do that for? asks a little girl in the audience.

Ladies used to do that, says her mother.

Candide picks up the garter.

I shall be glad if you will replace it for me, says Belle.

Candide replaces the garter.

That doesn't make sense! says the little girl.

I know, says her mother. And we don't do it nowadays.

Now what are they doing? asks the little girl.

Katherine is behind the hammock, in her black costume, holding it steady.

Belle swings her legs up. Candide climbs into the hammock beside her.

It creaks.

The lights dim.

All the audience can see is the back of Candide.

He appears to be moving his arm in a rhythmical manner..

He suddenly flips something into the air. Olé! It's the garter!

Ooh! cries Belle. Candide! What's that I can feel in your pocket!

Diamonds, says Candide. Would you like me to give you one......?

And thus ends scene two, to the relief of all, including the little girl's mother.

Better With Talking

Time for the show to begin.

Vello comes on stage, in his bike shorts.

Greetings friends! says Vello. It's good to see so many people. How many of you have been to our productions before?

The friends of Hedley's mother put their hands up.

This time we are trying something different, says Vello. The excerpt was chosen at random by a friend of ours, Iris Murdoch. 

All the friends of Hedley's mother turn to look at Iris Murdoch, who is seated behind them, in row three.

Iris looks annoyed.

If you know Candide in the original, do not be surprised if there are elisions and alterations, says Vello. Most of my satirical observations have been left out. We have introduced a hammock. And there are puppets. That's about all I have to say, except...enjoy!

He withdraws, to polite clapping, followed by silence.

Katherine walks on in her black hooded costume, holding a placard.

"Scene 1. The card game."

Candide, Martin, the abbé, and Belle stand around a small table.

They mime a card game, with several extra players, who are cheating. 

Candide loses a number of diamonds, due to a strange lack of aces.

The scene ends.

There was no talking, says someone in the audience.

I know, says another. It's better with talking. You know what's going on.

It was a card game, says one of Hedley's mother's friends.

Were we meant to think everyone was cheating? asks a another person. 

Ask Iris Murdoch, suggests one of Hedley's mother's friends.

Iris is now resigned to being known as the expert on the difficult excerpt.

Yes, says Iris Murdoch. Candide has been fleeced. Did you notice how he never held any aces?

Oh yeah! says the first person. Was that on purpose?

Everything that happens is on purpose, says Iris Murdoch. And you'll be glad to know there will be some dialogue in scene two.

The audience settles back in their seats. 

Good. Dialogue. 

His Blue Look

Next evening, at the Piglet.

Is everyone here? asks Vello.

Yes Hedley is here with his mother.

Terence has brought Greedy. 

Katherine holds Kobo in her black-gloved hand.

Kobo is practising her lines. Careful what you are doing etcetera.

Gaius and David are already in costume.

Arthur has the diamonds in a jar.

Belle appears in her beautiful dress.

Where's Sweezus? asks Vello.

Just coming, says Belle. There was a problem with his costume.

Too tight! says Vello. I knew it.

Iris is smaller, says Belle. Luckily I only tacked the alterations.

Sweezus arrives, in his Candide costume, trailing short lengths of cotton.

Big crowd out there! says Sweezus.

Is there? says Vello. Must be last minute punters.

Some of them are my friends, says Hedley's mother.

And some of them are teenage girls, says Sweezus. They stopped me and asked for free tickets. 

What did you tell them? asks Arthur.

I said I'd send Arthur, says Sweezus.

No free tickets! says Vello.

I know, says Arthur. I'll talk to them.

He goes out to the queue of people waiting outside.

Are you giving out free seeds this year? asks a woman.

Not this year, says Arthur. But someone famous may make an appearance.

Who is it? asks the woman. Costa?

You'll see, says Arthur. 

Where's our free tickets? asks the teenage girl who yesterday videoed Arthur taking the diamonds.

Are you sure you want to see this play? asks Arthur. 

No, says the girl. How good is it?

It's pretty intellectual, says Arthur. You need a literary background.

That sounds way too much like school, says the teenage girl.

Her friends are nodding. Come on guys, let's go.

Too bad for you, says the teenage girl to Arthur. Looks like I'll be posting that video.

Arthur gives her his blue look. 

Or you could give us something else, says the girl.

I'll give you a poem, says Arthur. Come back at the end of the show.

My own poem? says the girl. Are you a poet?

Was, says Arthur. Gave it up. But I'll do one for you.

Done, says the girl. Here, have this.

She gives him the friendship bracelet nearest her wrist.

Who Puts Diamonds?

Fortunately the queue in in the craft shop is for beads.

Friendship bracelets being the popular thing at the moment.

Arthur and Iris head for the jewels.

Iris spots a large jar of diamonds.

Let's ask if we can borrow them, says Iris.

We can do better than that, says Arthur. 

He picks up the jar and walks out of the store.

Hey! says a teenage girl at the back of the queue. What are you taking?

Diamonds, says Arthur.

We're just borrowing them, says Iris. 

Looks like you're stealing them, says the girl.

So it does, says Iris. How would you like a free ticket to the play that we're doing, in exchange for your silence?

Play? says the teenage girl. Is it in the Fringe or something?

Yes, says Iris. In the Piglet. 

Come on, says Arthur.

Hang on, says Iris. This girl needs a ticket.

We all do, say her friends. Five of them!

Ha! They were listening, in spite of those things in their ears.

Tell them to turn up tomorrow, says Arthur. And they'll get free tickets.

If we don't get them, we'll post this, says one of the friends.

She shows Arthur and Iris a video of what has just happened.

You can trust me, says Arthur.

Yes, you can trust him, says Iris.

They walk off with the diamonds.

Diamonds, says the teenage girl to her friends. Who puts diamonds on a friendship bracelet?

Weird, agree all her friends. 

Iris heads off for a coffee.

Arthur returns to the office.

Here he is, says Gaius. With a whole jar of diamonds. Always reliable.

Where's Iris? asks Belle.

She might be about to pull out, says Arthur. She's not happy with this year's production.

It was her choice of excerpt! says Vello. She knew it would be almost impossible to stage!

Never mind, papa, says Belle. Look on the bright side.

Which is? snaps Vello.

We've solved all the problems, says Belle. And now Sweezie can play the part of Candide.

You and me in a hammock, says Sweezus.

You have to do this thing with a garter, says Belle.

I reckon I can do that, says Sweezus.

Arthur puts the jar of diamonds down on a desk.

He decides not to reveal how he came by them, and the resulting complication.

Inexplicable Queue

No one has any diamonds. Not even Katherine.

Craft shop, says Belle. I'll pop out later.

The rehearsal is over.

Tomorrow is opening night, says Vello. Be early at the venue.

Are we in the Piglet? asks Hedley's mother.

We are, says Belle. 

How are ticket sales going? asks Hedley's mother.

Vello is about to answer when Sweezus and Arthur come in.

This is a surprise! says Vello.

You said two days tops, says Sweezus. So here we are. Need anything doing?

We need diamonds, says Vello.

Fake ones from the craft shop, says Belle.

No worries, says Sweezus. How many?

A good handful, says Vello.

I'll get them, says Arthur. 

He goes out. Iris follows him.

Arthur, says Iris. What do you think of me playing Candide?

Why are you asking? asks Arthur.

Because I am playing Candide, says Iris. But now Sweezus is back, who would you think would be better?

Him, says Arthur. 

I hoped you'd say that, says Iris, because this play is a fuck-up.

It usually is, says Arthur. But people like it.

Not this production, says Iris. We do the seduction scene in a hammock. 

Ow! says Arthur. 

With Katherine in a black hooded costume behind us to help us get in, adds Iris.

No kidding, says Arthur. He pictures the scene.

And then Hedley's mother gets into the black hooded costume so she can make Kobo act like a nurse, says Iris.

How does that work? asks Arthur. 

She holds Kobo up in one hand and works the bed curtain with the other, says Iris.

Merde! says Arthur.

Is is, says Iris. And I'd be quite happy to give my part to Sweezus.

I bet, says Arthur. 

They arrive at the craft shop, where, inexplicably, there is a queue.

To Be Zen

Who opened the curtains? says Iris. I'm supposed to open them, not you.

Sorry, says Greedy.

Kobo retreats, thanks to Hedley's mother.

Iris comes forward and attempts to draw the bed curtains aside.

Now you, Kobo! says Vello.

Kobo wafts forward.

Careful what you are doing! The light will kill her! says Kobo.

Hedley's mother tries to make it appear that Kobo is closing the curtains.

Do it again, says Vello. That looked clumsy.

You try it, says Hedley's mother, handing Kobo to Vello.

Vello opens and then closes the curtains.

He has to agree, it's not easy without looking clumsy.

I think I've got it! says Hedley's mother. Give Kobo back to me.

Kobo tries to be Zen.

She is not used to such handling.

Hedley's mother closes the bed curtains with her left hand while holding Kobo somewhat higher, in her right, and moving Kobo in sync with the curtains.

Bravo, Hedley's mother! says Vello. That looked convincing. Continue!

My dear Cunégonde! gasps Iris, how are you, my darling?

She cannot speak, says Kobo.

I could, though, says Greedy. I could say something. 

No you couldn't says Vello. As soon as you spoke Candide would know you're an imposter.

I fear I've learnt to speak all for nothing, sniffs Greedy.

Don't sniff, dear, says Kobo. It interferes with your airflow. Remember, life extends beyond this frivolous play.

I suppose so, says Greedy.

Right, says Vello. Now Kobo draws the plump hand through the curtains, and Iris does her emoting.

Will she wet me? asks Greedy.

Depends how good she is at crying, says Vello.

I'll wet you a litte, says Iris. And then I'll shower you with diamonds. By the way do we have any diamonds?

It's a good question. What are the chances?

Like She's Floating

Kobo will make a fine nurse, says Katherine.

Thank you, Katherine, says Kobo.

How do you suggest we make her look less like a clam? asks Vello.

It's a bit late to make a new costume, says Belle.

Am I in the same scene as the nurse? asks Katherine.

No, you're in the seduction scene, says Vello.

Then Kobo can wear my black hooded costume, says Katherine.

I have never worn a black hooded costume, says Kobo.

It's quite long, though, says Katherine.

Kobo can stand on a box, says Terence.

Then the costume will look boxy at the bottom, says David.

And she won't be able to move, says Gaius.

May I suggest something? asks Hedley's mother.

Go ahead, says Vello.

I wear the black hooded costume and manipulate Kobo, says Hedley's mother.

Won't she look like she's floating? asks Iris.

That might be quite nice, says Kobo. Shall we practise?

Hedley's mother looks at Vello.

Vello nods.

Hedley's mother takes Katherine's black hooded costume, and goes into the small office kitchen

She comes out, dressed entirely in black.

She picks up Kobo.

Be careful what you are doing! says Kobo.

Sorry, says Hedley's mother. Is there a special way I should hold you?

Those are my lines, says Kobo. The nurse says it to Candide,who is trying to open the bed curtains.

My error, says Hedley's mother.

Hedley mutters something like 'durrr'.

What? whispers Terence.

I wish she wasn't going to be in it, says Hedley.

You're just jealous! says Terence.

Terence and Greedy, says Vello. You're missing your cue!

Yay! says Terence. Come on Greedy. Wait. Where's the curtain?

Belle holds up two light blue shawls she has joined at the top, leaving the lower halves open.

Terence holds Greedy up.

The curtain parts in the middle.

Hedley's mother wafts Kobo gently forward.

So far so good.

Because They're ALIENS!

Next morning early, in the Velosophy office.

The second rehearsal.

Katherine has brought her black hooded costume.

Should I wear it? asks Katherine.

Not until we've rigged up the hammock, says David.

Help me finish these playing cards, says Vello.

Oh, all right, says Katherine. Why are they so large?

So the audience can see that they're marked, says Vello. Because the players are cheating.

I see, says Katherine. 

Belle hooks one end of the hammock to the door handle.

Too low! says Iris. Our bottoms will be on the floor.

The door opens and Hedley arrives wih his mother.

Hedley has learned all his lines, says Hedley's mother. 

A hammock! cries Hedley. 

It's a couch, says Belle.

Good luck with that, says Hedley's mother. Hammocks can be tricky.

Bon-doo, sir, says Hedley.

What other lines have you learned Hedley? asks Vello.

All strangers are under arrest! says Hedley.

Very good, says Vello. And when Candide asks you why?

We don't understand the answer, says Hedley's mother. Something about a beggar from Artois and a murder.

I never understood that answer either, says Iris.

Nor me, says Belle.

Hedley has come up with a better answer, says Hedley's mother. Say it, Hedley.

Because they're ALIENS! says Hedley.

Vello is about to object when Gaius enters, with Terence, Greedy and Kobo.

Guess what? says Terence. Greedy can talk. But she can't be two people. So Kobo's going to be the nurse.

Hold it right there, says Vello. Kobo in the nurse role?

I can speak for myself, says Kobo.

That is evident, says Vello, but you are a clam, and therefore lacking in certain areas.

That's no way to talk to Kobo, says Katherine. All she needs is an appropriate costume.

Vello sighs. He supposes that Katherine is right.

But he can't help feeling this year's production may be more of a shambles than usual.

The Light Will Kill Her

Can you talk yet? asks Terence.

Yes, says Greedy. Kobo has taught me.

Say something, says Terence. 

I just did, says Greedy.

Something else, says Terence. Say Good God sir!

No, says Greedy.

I should think not, says Kobo.

Those are Hedley's lines, says Greedy. I don't have any.

That is a pity, says Kobo. 

Plump hands don't talk, says Terence. They come out from under blankets for diamonds.

I see, says Kobo. But it wouldn't hurt to say thank you.

I'd like to say that, says Greedy.

Say it, says Terence.

Thank you, says Greedy. 

That was good acting, says Terence.

What's going on here? asks Gaius.

Greedy can talk without getting empty, says Terence. 

Excellent, says Gaius. And what did she say?

Thank you, says Greedy. But I could have said anything. 

Are there any other parts for Greedy? asks Kobo. It seems a pity to waste her new talent.

I don't think so, says Gaius. But wait. The nurse hasn't been cast yet.

What does the nurse say? asks Greedy.

Let me see, says Gaius. He turns back a few pages.

Be careful what you are doing! says Gaius. The light will kill her!

How thrilling! says Greedy.

What is the context? asks Kobo.

Candide goes to draw back the bed curtain, and the nurse stops him, says Gaius.

Then what? asks Kobo.

The nurse closes the curtains and draws out the plump hand.says Gaius.

Oh, but the plump hand is me! says Greedy. I can't see how I could do that.

Kobo can't see it either. Greedy would have to be both inside and outside the curtains.

I'm disappointed, says Greedy.

Why? asks Terence.

Because I can't be both sides of the curtains at once, says Greedy.

What if I play the plump hand? says Kobo. That would free you.

Perfect, dear Kobo! says Greedy.

Only Gaius is doubtful.

Actually My Horse

Greedy is once again empty of air.

Blow her up again, says Kobo, and secure her with a bread tie.

Gaius looks in his pantry for bread.

There is no bread in the pantry.

I thought you saved bread ties, says Kobo.

So I do, says Gaius.

He retrieves one from the dish, in which he keeps them.

Now Greedy is ready for her first lesson.

I'll ask you a question, says Kobo. Think of the answer, but don't say it.

Greedy nods, her eyes poppy. 

Ha ha, laughs Terence. 

Go away Terence, says Kobo. This is secret women's business.

Help me learn my lines, Terence, says Gaius.

Okay, says Terence. 

I need you to feed me Candide's lines, says Gaius. Can you do that?

Yes, says Terence. 

So you have arranged to meet Lady Cunégonde at Venice, sir? says Gaius.

Yes, says Terence.

I should think that she must be very witty. Her letters must be charming, says Gaius.

Yes, says Terence.

You don't say yes, says Gaius. You say, I have never had any. Then you explain why.

I have never had any, says Terence. Her pencil broke when she fell off her horse.

That isn't the reason, says Gaius. But I suppose it doesn't matter.

Monty was actually my horse, says Terence.

Gaius starts flipping the pages of his script to see what else he is supposed to be saying. 

Terence thinks about Monty, who he left behind in a café.

So it is quiet in the kitchen.

And we can hear Kobo, explaining the secret women's business to Greedy.

In out in out, says Kobo. 

Snuuur-thoo-snuuur-thoo, goes Greedy.

You've got it, says Kobo. 

Closing His Opening

Let's see how poor Greedy is doing.

Gaius enters his kitchen with Terence.

Kobo! calls Terence.

Kobo doesn't answer.

She's probably reading, says Gaius. Leave Greedy on the table, and help me learn my lines.

No, says Terence. Greedy first. We have to ask Kobo.

Kobo is reading The Art Of The Glimpse.

She finishes one of the stories.

What is it? asks Kobo. I'm reading one hundred Irish short stories.

You have to stop and help Greedy, says Terence.

Is that pink rubber glove Greedy? asks Kobo.

YES! says Terence. And you love pink rubber gloves!

I only loved one of them, says Kobo. She and I went to Weipa and ran on the beach together, fulfilling a dream inspired by Picasso.

In a wagon, says Gaius. Yes I remember. Who pulled it?

Ageless, says Kobo. But only under duress.

Those were good times, says Gaius. 

These are better, says Terence. Greedy needs to learn how to talk without flopping. Then he can be my plump hand.

He? says Kobo.

Not necessarily, says Gaius. Greedy could be a female. Why not?

I'll test him, says Kobo. Put him up here.

Gaius puts Greedy on the window sill, beside Kobo.

Gaius wonders how she will determine his sex.

So does Greedy.

Tell me how you identify, says Kobo.

Of course Greedy can't answer.

Blow him up a little, says Kobo, and close his opening.

Gaius blows Greedy up.

Greedy has a brainwave.

I choo! says Greedy.

Keep him closed, says Kobo. I have further questions

It doesn't work that way, says Gaius. Air comes out when he speaks.

That's why he needs you to train him, says Terence.

Or her, says Gaius.

Huuuu... says Greedy.

What do you choo? asks Kobo. Oblivion?

Phee... says Greedy. 

Good answer, says Kobo,.  I suppose you mean phee-male. I'll be happy to help you.

Yippee! cries Terence. 

Greedy thinks it's a small price to pay.

Black-Hooded Costume

A hammock! says Belle. That might work.

Ever tried to get into a hammock? asks Vello. 

Not really, says Belle.

And you'll be in eighteenth century costume, says David. 

She'll be in the hammock when the curtain rises, says Iris.

What curtain? asks Vello.

No curtain? says Iris. There must be some way we can do this. Let's think.

Don't bother, says Vello. We'll continue to look for a couch.

We could put two office chairs together, says David.

Unconvincing, says Vello.

 I still like the idea of a hammock, says Belle. I could wear trousers.

There's a thought, says Iris. If we're both wearing trousers, there's no problem.

A Marchioness in trousers, says Vello. And what about the garter?

Everyone thinks about the garter.

Katherine comes in, with a bundle of netting, and two rings dangling.

I've brought you the hammock, says Katherine. These are the rings. You just need two hooks the right distance apart to hook them onto.

That is the least of our problems, says Vello.

What are the other ones? asks Katherine.

Iris and I will both be wearing trousers, says Belle. 

And? asks Katherine.

I'm supposed to drop my garter, says Belle.

Is that all? says Katherine.

Initially, says Belle. It IS a seduction.

Oh, ha ha! laughs Katherine. You are naughty.

The garter, snaps Vello.

Wear it over the trousers, says Katherine.

Not happening, says Belle.

On your ankle, says Katherine. As though it's slipped down. 

The audience might think it's a sock, says Iris.

You see our dilemma, says Vello. And of course there is the problem of them getting in.

Getting in? says Katherine.

To the hammock, without mishap, says David.

Someone could steady it, says Katherine.  

No one else is on stage, says Vello.

Someone in a black-hooded costume, says Katherine. I'll do it.

You don't have a black-hooded costume, mother, says David.

I do, actually, says Katherine.

David is shocked that he didn't know this about his mother.

Two Women

Greedy feels happy, says Terence.

Gaius has given him hope, says Iris Murdoch.

I suppose I have, says Gaius. We'll take Greedy home, and introduce him to Kobo.

Hear that, Greedy? asks Terence.

Greedy heard that, but could not say so.

Are we done here? asks Gaius. If so Terence and I will leave now.

Yes, go, says Vello. See you tomorrow morning, for our second rehearsal. Make sure you know your lines.

Certainly, says Gaius. 

Terence picks up Greedy, and they go.

Kobo won't like Greedy as much as she liked Pinky, says Belle.

How do you know? asks Vello.

Picasso, says Belle.

A mysterious answer, says Iris.

Kobo and Pinky had a dream of reenacting 'Two Women Running on the Beach' by Picasso, says Belle.

For heavens sake! says Iris.

I know, says Belle. Neither of them had legs, so it was by no means straightforward.

Nor does Greedy have legs, says Iris.

But the difference is, he isn't a woman. says Belle.

Never mind that now, says Vello. Who's going to help me with these playing cards?

And where will we get hold of a couch? asks Belle.

I could ask mother, says David. She's always buying new furniture. She might have an old one.

Call her, says Vello.

Why don't you call her? says David. She'll appreciate a call from the director.

Very well, says Vello.

He calls Katherine.

Katherine? It's Vello.

Hello dear, says Katherine. Is anything wrong?

Of course not, says Vello. But do you have an old couch you're getting rid of?

No, says Katherine. Why are you asking?

We need it for our play, says Vello. The seduction scene.

I have an old hammock in the garage, says Katherine. You can have that for nothing.

A hammock! says Vello. Whoever seduced anyone in a hammock?

It's all right once you're both in it, says Katherine. 

Thank you Katherine, says Vello. I'll need to run this by Belle and Iris.

Belle and Iris! says Katherine. What fun.

Choosing Oblivion

I'm sure Greedy doesn't like it, says Belle.

I would like it, says Terence.

If someone blew you up and then let your air out before you could finish your sentence? asks Iris.

Yes, says Terence. I wish someone would do it to me.

Okay, says Iris. I'll pretend to blow you up, and when I stop, say something quickly, before I poke you.

Terence thinks this will be fun.

Iris pretends to blow him up.

Now he has to say something quickly.

But what?

She pokes him.

Too late! says Iris. How did you like it?

I wasn't ready, says Terence.

Nor was Greedy, says Belle.

Do it again, says Terence. This time I'll be ready.

Iris blows him up again. He is ready.

I choo! says Terence.

That's exactly what Greedy said, says Belle.

That proves he liked it, says Terence.

Gaius has been listening.

Interesting that Greedy said I choo, says Gaius.

And that I said I choo, says Terence. 

That is less interesting, says Gaius. But I choo was what Pinky said. Remember Pinky?

Pinky! says Terence.

Yes, says Gaius. She said I choo just before her air petered out.

Did you ever find out what she meant by it? asks Belle.

Yes, says Gaius. It meant 'I choose oblivion'.

How awful, says Belle. Who worked that out?

Kobo, says Gaius. They became friends after Kobo taught her to to speak without moving her lips.

Greedy had been feeling quite flat, lying there empty.

But he feels better now!

I choo....phhh

This is pointless, says David. 

It is, when we don't have the cards, says Gaius.

Work on your dialogue, says Vello.

There is no dialogue, says Belle. Only surreptitious card marking and doleful glances.

Practise the doleful glances, says Vello. 

But it's not us that do them, says Belle. It's the twelve others.

Of whom there are none, says David. I vote we break for a coffee.

Excellent idea, says Gaius. And while you're making it, I'll see to Greedy.

I'm not making it, says David. I'll order it in.

Order macarons as well, says Belle.

And a red drink, says Terence.

Gaius picks up the deflated Greedy.

I don't see how the air got out, says Gaius.

When he talked, says Terence.

But his mouth is drawn on, says Gaius.

There must be a hole somewhere, says Iris. Let me see.

She seizes Greedy, and squeezes him hard.

We need to immerse him in water, says Iris.

We'll have to blow him up first, says Gaius.

And to do that we need to snip off this bin tie, says Iris.

She takes a pair of snippers from a bag she had dumped in the corner.

Snip.

Greedy is open.

But now the coffee, macarons and red drink have arrived.

Terence drinks his red drink in a hurry .

Picks up Greedy.

Don't worry, Greedy, says Terence. This time I won't use a bin tie.

He blows air into Greedy.

Say something fast, says Terence.

I choo....phhh..says Greedy.

Too slow, says Terence.

Terence, says Belle, that's cruel.

Greedy likes it, says Terence.

Nooo Snippers

 Wah! says Terence.

Greedy has drooped.

That will teach you, says Hedley's mother.

What's happened? asks Belle.

Terence has drawn a mouth on his pink rubber glove, says Hedley's mother. And it talks now. And half its air has come out.

O Terence, says Belle.

It's a character! wails Terence.

Never mind, says Belle, we can blow it up again.

Good luck with that, says Hedley's mother. Those bin ties are hard to undo.

Easier with snippers! says Iris.

Nooo snippers! says Greedy, with his last breath.

Don't worry, we'll fix you nicely, says Terence.

Greedy looks grateful, under his long eyelashes, with his big poppy eyes.

Put him away now, says Belle. We'll rehearse your scene later.

Is Hedley still needed? asks Hedley's mother.

Vello whisks out his tatty old copy.

He'll need to learn these lines, starting here, at Good God sir, says Vello.

Bon-doo sir, says  Hedley.

Bon Dieu! says Vello.

Bon-doo is kind of cute though, says Belle.

I bow to your judgement says Vello.

Let me see, says Hedley's mother. Three diamonds! My dear sir, I would rather die than take you to prison. I will take you to my brother in Dieppe, and if you... This is a long speech for a seven year old! 

Hedley is welcome to shorten it, says Vello. 

Hedley and I will work on it tonight, says Hedley's mother. But right now, he should be at school and is already late.

Hedley leaves with his mother.

Now what? asks Terence.

We can't do the seduction scene without a couch, says Belle. And we can't do the deception scene, without Greedy, and we can't do the escape because Hedley's gone to school. That leaves the card game.

Good, says David. I'm in that one.

So am I, says Gaius. Where are we sitting?

Standing, says Vello. There aren't enough seats.

Belle, Iris, David and Gaius position themselves around the office desk.

Terence, says Vello, I've a job for you. We need a set of large playing cards. Use some of this A4 size paper. 

You'll have to help him, says Belle.

So Vello helps Terence make the playing cards, while Belle, Iris, David and Gaius regard one another in silence.

Bon-doo!

 I have to say it, says Hedley.

Hedley’s practicing his lines, explains Belle.

But Good God sir, coming from the mouth of a child? says Hedley’s mother.

What’s the problem? asks Iris.

Oh, hello again, says Hedley’s mother. I’ve now worked out who you are.

Iris Murdoch, says Iris.

I know, says Hedley’s mother. I’ve read all your novels.

Which was your favourite? asks Iris.

‘The Sea The Sea’ says Hedley’s mother.

I won a prize for that one, says Iris Murdoch.

Deservedly, says Hedley’s mother. I didn’t know you acted.

I’m doing Vello a favour, says Iris.

Do him another one, says Hedley’s mother. Persuade him to change Hedley’s lines.

I love my lines, says Hedley. And Good God sir’s my favourite.

It's just not on, says Hedley's mother.

What if he says it in French? asks Iris. Bon Dieu, monsieur!

Bon-doo monsieur! says Hedley.

That's better, says Hedley's mother.

Ha ha, laughs Terence. 

Oh, there you are. Terence, says Hedley’s mother.  What’s that you’ve got there?

Greedy, says Terence.

Oh yes, the plump hand, says Hedley’s mother. Why is there a face on it?

It’s a character, says Terence.

Bon-doo! says Greedy.

From his drawn-on mouth, some rubbery air rushes out.

Good God Sir!

Hedley goes back to practising his lines.

Good God sir! 

(he likes saying that).

Terence starts drawing a face on his pink rubber glove.

Fake and greedy. What would that look like?

What are you up to? asks Gaius.

Drawing a face on my hand, says Terence. 

Why does it need a face? asks Gaius.

Becuse it's a character, says Terence.

But a hand is not a complete character, says Gaius.

It's the part that sticks out, says Terence. Hedley says it should look fake and greedy.

He is an intelligent child, says Gaius. I wonder if he knows how to plait ribbons.

He doesn't, says Terence.

I'm having trouble with this garter, says Gaius.

I'm having trouble with this face, says Terence.

I suggest you ask Vello, says Gaius. He may not want the rubber glove to have its own face.

That's why I'm not asking him, says Terence. 

Good point, says Gaius. And it might inject some unexpected humour. 

What does a fake greedy face look like? asks Terence.

Large eyes, with long eyelashes, and a mouth that is open, says Gaius.

Yay! says Terence. I knew you would know.

He draws big eyes with long eyelashes on his pink rubber glove, and a wide open mouth.

Very nice, says Gaius. A deceptive hand, waiting to be showered with diamonds.

Have you finished plaiting my garter? asks Belle.

Not yet, says Gaius. I'm not sure how to do it.

Three strands, one side to middle, other side to middle, and repeat, says Belle.

I'll try that, says Gaius.

Hedley comes over to look at the face.

Good God sir! says Hedley.

HEDLEY! says his mother, who has arrived ten minutes early. You must not say things like that!

Fake And Greedy

Being seven is no excuse, says Vello. 

It's a hard word, says Hedley.

All you need is practice, says Vello.

Imag-ible, says Hedley.

Imaginable, says Iris. I-mag-in-a-ble.

I-mag-in-a-ble, says Hedley.

Very good, says Iris. And I'll show you a way to remember it. First of all, what does it mean?

In something? says Hedley.

Ha ha! laughs Terence, under the jersey.

Come out Terence, and try this hand, says Belle. It's closed up with a bin tie, so it should be all right. Let me know if it leaks.

Terence comes out.

In something! laughs Terence. 

It's not funny, says Hedley, I bet YOU don't know what it means.

It means you can eat it, says Terence. 

Imaginable doesn't mean you can eat it, says Iris. 

It's every crime! says Hedley. So how would you eat it?

Stop it you two, says Belle. Listen to Iris, she's going to help you remember the meaning.

Yes, says Iris. Imaginable means able to be imagined. Hence, imagine-ABLE. 

Every crime able to be imagined, says Hedley. Can I just say that?

Yes, says Vello. Just say that. That's solved that problem. Any others?

I need a texta, says Terence.

Easy, says Vello. grabbing one from his desk.

He does not ask why Terence needs it.

Terence starts to draw a face on his pink rubber glove.

Stop! says Hedley. Think about its expression.

I am, says Terence. It's going to be smiley.

I thought so, says Hedley. But it should suit the glove's character.

Fat and smiley, says Terence.

No, says Hedley, fake and greedy.

Okay, says Terence. Fake and greedy.

The rubber glove waits with trepidation.