I Don't Think it's True

You're in luck, said Gaius. It happens that I found a tin of biscuits on the beach this evening.

Baby Pierre and Lavender looked at one another.

It's Ageless's tin of yam biscuits, said Lavender.

Yam biscuits! said Anoctopus. Let me try one.

He took a tiny yam biscuit from the tin with one of his tentacles and inserted it carefully into his beak.

Ahuchhghh, he said, trying to swallow the crumbs without choking. Anyone else want one?

No thanks, said everyone else.

Well, I'll get on with the story, said Anoctopus:

The octopus was becoming more and more like a man. He said to the woman, let's go and visit my brothers in law. What's happened to my octopus? said the woman. They went to visit the brothers in law.

One day the octopus went out to sea. He made a big mistake and picked a fight with a whale. The whale killed him.

The woman went back to the sea to visit the octopus's relatives. A short time after that she died.

When the young octopuses grew big they decided to get their revenge. They went into the sea looking for the whale. They fought the whale and killed it. They killed it for their mother's brothers.

After that they went back to the sea for good and their uncles never saw them again.

That's the end.

Anoctopus looked at his audience. So, what did you think of my story?

You said it was true, said Lavender. I don't think it's true.

Neither do I, said Baby Pierre. Octopuses don't turn into men. They don't cook seals by lying on them.

What about you? said Anoctopus, looking at Gaius.

I should like to hear why you claim it is true, said Gaius.

Aha, said Anoctopus. You are no fool. I'll be happy to tell you the reason.

Advantages

You do have a choice, said Gaius.

I'm in a bucket, said Anoctopus.

You could get out, said Gaius. I know how mobile you are.

You're right, said Anoctopus. I could get out if I wanted to. Do you know why my species is so agile?

No bones, said Baby Pierre. I bet that's the reason.

Have you heard of dopamine? asked Anoctopus. Well, we invertebrates have something called octopamine.

Octopamine! giggled Lavender.

I'm not making it up, said Anoctopus. It's a neurotransmitter. It makes our muscles work better, and it helps us with memory and learning.

I didn't know that, said Gaius. How fascinating you invertebrates are.

As to that, said Anoctopus, I bet you didn't know this. We octopi are so advanced in intelligence that we are classified as honorary vertebrates in the United Kingdom.

Are you indeed? said Gaius. Does that bestow any advantages?

You could say it does and you could say it doesn't, said Anoctopus. It means they have to give us an anaesthetic before they experiment on us.

Phttt! said Lavender. Are you an activist or something?

No, said Anoctopus. I'm just saying.

I thought you were going to tell us some tales, said Lavender.

They were tales, said Anoctopus.

They weren't what I call tales, said Lavender. Tell us a STORY.

Alright, said Anoctopus. I'll tell you the story of The Woman and the Octopus.

Anoctopus

An apt epithet, said Gaius.

You agree you're a fishwit? snapped the octopus.

Not at all, said Gaius. But it is an apt expression for an octopus to use.

You ARE a fishwit, said the octopus.

I'm a natural historian, said Gaius.

Well you should be more careful with your specimens, said the octopus. I assume that's what I am.

Hello octopus, said Lavender. What's your name?

I'm an octopus, said the octopus.

Anoctopus! said Lavender. That's a funny name.

Another fishwit, said Anoctopus.

Pleased to meet you, Anoctopus, said Baby Pierre. Have you been having a nice evening?

I was, said Anoctopus. I've been mating.

That's disgusting, said Lavender.

Life is short, said Anoctopus.

No it's not, said Lavender.

It is for an octopus, said Anoctopus. An octopus dies soon after mating.

Serves it right, said Lavender.

Lavender! said Gaius. That's enough. Tell me Anoctopus, if that is really your name, which I very much doubt, does your short span of life explain your good memory?

I never thought of that, said Anoctopus. I suppose it does. We have to learn fast. And you are right, my name's not Anoctopus. But I like it. You may call me Anoctopus. You see? That's an example of how quickly I make decisions.

Admirable, said Gaius. I imagine you have a great store of knowledge as well.

I do, said Anoctopus. I could tell you a tale or two.

Stay then, said Gaius.

As if I had a choice, said Anoctopus.