Les Champs

The final day of the Tour de France! Team Philosophe is riding towards Paris and drinking champagne from plastic flutes.

The VeloDone: Ah Paris! At last! I was born here, you know.

Jean Paul Sartre: So was I. And so was Simone.

Le Bon David : Not me. I was born in Edinburgh.

The VeloDrone: I sometimes forget. But you are an honorary Frenchman.

Le Bon David: Thank you. Oh I am glad the Tour is over. Will we three be in it next year? What do you think?

Jean Paul Sartre: I am negotiating to get back with Team Existentialiste.

The VeloDrone: Oh?

Jean Paul Sartre: 'Fraid so. I am more in tune with their mode of thinking.

Le Bon David: Haven't we got on alright?

Jean Paul Sartre: You called me a weasel.

Le Bon David: That was in the heat of the moment, when you were being a weasel.

The VeloDrone: It doesn't matter. We are negotiating too, Jean Paul.

Jean Paul Sartre: Oh, who with?

Le Bon David: Yes, who with?

The VeloDrone: You know, David. It is someone much younger.

Jean Paul Sartre: Wittgenstein?

Le Bon David: Younger.

Jean Paul Sartre: Who then?

The VeloDrone: It's Alain de Botton.

Jean Paul Sartre: What has he got to offer?

The VeloDrone: Don't you know? He's a sprinter.

Stage 16 - The Weasel

It is Stage 16 of the Tour de France. Everyone is losing body fat, even Le Bon David. They are fearful that they might not make it to the top of the Col du Tourmalet.

Le Bon David: Ahh! I feel I am fading away.

The VeloDrone: You are fading away? Not as much as me !

Jean Paul Sartre: A fat man has an advantage on the Col du Tourmalet.

Le Bon David: Let me tell you it is no advantage. Or let me say, it would be no advantage. I do not consider myself a fat man, merely stout.

The VeloDrone: You were merely stout. Now, you are almost normal size.

Le Bon David: Thank you. But I am looking forward to regaining my stoutness when this is all over.

Jean Paul Sartre: I too feel as though I am fading away. This is a very tough ride. At times I consider the unthinkable.

The VeloDrone: What is the unthinkable?

Jean Paul Sartre: Giving up.

The VeloDrone: That is not unthinkable.

Jean Paul Sartre: Really? So you have thought the unthinkable too?

Le Bon David: Oh, we can't give up now. What would the ladies think?

Jean Paul Sartre: They would be very happy, I suspect.

The VeloDrone: What! But they are our biggest supporters.

Jean Paul Sartre: Don't forget, they have to do this beastly ride as well, even though they may go slower. It can't be easy for them.

Le Bon David: Well, I am going on. Jean Paul Sartre, you are nothing but a weasel!

Ashes of Cat

What have we here? asked Pliny the Elder, peering into an upturned glass in the kitchen.

Another of those wretched bugs, I said. He was wandering past my breakfast. I captured him.

Why didn't you just kill him with your thumb? asked Pliny.

I wanted to get a proper look at him, I replied. He seems to be a small type of beetle. Apparently they are quite commonly found amongst grains and beans. Now I'm going to have to seriously inspect the shelves, and throw out lots of stuff.

Perhaps I can help you, said Pliny.

Yes, you can. Get me something to stand on.

He looked offended.

I didn't mean that, he said stiffly. I meant, I know several effective ways to keep weevils and other pests away from stored foodstuffs.

What are they? I asked. I hope they aren't disgusting.

That depends, said Pliny. You may think so. But you want to get rid of the beetles, do you not?

Go on.

You must first capture a toad. Then you must attach it to the door of the pantry by one of its longer legs. This is guaranteed to frighten pests away.

Pliny, that would frighten anyone away. Is there anything a little less confronting?

Hah! I thought you would baulk at that! There is another method. Dress the beans with ashes of a cat, or weasel.

But, Pliny, how do you obtain the ashes of a cat or a weasel by gentle means?

By the Gods! Try these then. Vinegar, salty fish, or an unbaked brick soaked in water.

Thanks Pliny, I think I'm going to try the brick.