Bunny and Lavender wander down to the beach where Arthur is sitting on the rocks with Ouvert, staring out at the Wallaroo Jetty.
Hi, Arthur, says Bunny. Isn't it peaceful.
That's one way to describe it, says Arthur.
What's another? asks Bunny, sitting down.
Lame, says Arthur. There's nothing to do.
Violetta's got something to do, says Lavender. She's planning her shit.
Shit! says Ouvert. That's disgusting.
You're so silly, says Lavender. Violetta is working. She's going to spray cuttlefish everywhere.
Not on the jetty, says Arthur. It's closed.
That won't stop Violetta, says Bunny. She's probably out there right now.
..........
Violetta is not on the jetty. Instead she is checking out walls.
There are plenty of spaces for cuttlefish.
She sorts out her aerosol cans. Green, purple, silver, black and brown.
........
Baby Pierre arrives at the jetty. It is where he has arranged to meet Ageless.
There is a yellow sign on the jetty. CLOSED DUE TO VANDALISM.
It is not a good sign.
.........
Gaius and Victor are at the police station. Victor has invited him to tea.
Victor opens the fridge, to see what is in it.
He takes out a box.
Let's see what this is, says Victor. Let's hope it's something to eat.
Perhaps you shouldn't, says Gaius. It says CONFISCATED GOODS on the side.
Oh don't let that bother you, says Victor. It's just harmless fun.
He opens the box, and immediately shuts it again.
What is it? says Gaius. Ha ha! Not dead cuttlefish?
Victor turns red.
Never mind that, says Victor. How about you and I eating out?
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Six Dollars Short Of A Squid
It's six dollars entry, says Victor, when they reach the Wallaroo Heritage and Nautical Museum.
Six dollars! says Gaius. That's pricey! I suppose I have six dollars somewhere.
He feels in his pockets. No luck.
Never mind, says Victor. I'll treat you.
Thank you, Victor, says Gaius. Now where's this renowned Giant Squid?
Over there, says Victor, pointing to the prize exhibit, preserved in formalin.
This is George, says Victor. George was found inside the stomach of a whale thirty years ago. He's at least five feet long.
Even longer with his tentacles extended, says Gaius, I should say about 28 feet.
Spot on, says Victor. I can see you're an expert. May I come to your lecture tonight?
Do, says Gaius. I intend to make everyone sit up and think about cuttlefish.
Spot on, says Victor, again.
...........
Baby Pierre has finally got through to Ageless.
Who is it? asks Ageless
Baby Pierre, says Baby Pierre.
My dear boy! cries Ageless.
So you admit you're my daddy! says Baby Pierre.
No, says Ageless. I retract that. It's just an expression. Where are you, Baby Pierre?
I'm in Wallaroo, says Baby Pierre. I came here with Gaius, but he's ...
Ageless is furious. GAIUS IS IN WALLAROO?
But they left me on the bus......, falters Baby Pierre.
THEY? roars Ageless. There are OTHERS?
What's the matter? says Baby Pierre
You sit tight, says Ageless. I'll be there on the very next bus.
...........
Meanwhile Bunny and Lavender have joined Violetta at Cafe Mia, a beachfront cafe.
This is lovely, says Bunny. Good coffee, great cakes and a brilliant view.
Not bad, says Violetta. But hurry up and finish and piss off you two.
Why? says Bunny, offended.
I work alone, says Violetta. And it's time to start planning my shit.
Six dollars! says Gaius. That's pricey! I suppose I have six dollars somewhere.
He feels in his pockets. No luck.
Never mind, says Victor. I'll treat you.
Thank you, Victor, says Gaius. Now where's this renowned Giant Squid?
Over there, says Victor, pointing to the prize exhibit, preserved in formalin.
This is George, says Victor. George was found inside the stomach of a whale thirty years ago. He's at least five feet long.
Even longer with his tentacles extended, says Gaius, I should say about 28 feet.
Spot on, says Victor. I can see you're an expert. May I come to your lecture tonight?
Do, says Gaius. I intend to make everyone sit up and think about cuttlefish.
Spot on, says Victor, again.
...........
Baby Pierre has finally got through to Ageless.
Who is it? asks Ageless
Baby Pierre, says Baby Pierre.
My dear boy! cries Ageless.
So you admit you're my daddy! says Baby Pierre.
No, says Ageless. I retract that. It's just an expression. Where are you, Baby Pierre?
I'm in Wallaroo, says Baby Pierre. I came here with Gaius, but he's ...
Ageless is furious. GAIUS IS IN WALLAROO?
But they left me on the bus......, falters Baby Pierre.
THEY? roars Ageless. There are OTHERS?
What's the matter? says Baby Pierre
You sit tight, says Ageless. I'll be there on the very next bus.
...........
Meanwhile Bunny and Lavender have joined Violetta at Cafe Mia, a beachfront cafe.
This is lovely, says Bunny. Good coffee, great cakes and a brilliant view.
Not bad, says Violetta. But hurry up and finish and piss off you two.
Why? says Bunny, offended.
I work alone, says Violetta. And it's time to start planning my shit.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
What Would An Atheist Do?
Victor, says Gaius, it seems that no matter which region I visit, you are the local policeman!
I get around, says Victor. In fact I have had a promotion.
To Wallaroo? says Gaius.
Upwards, nods Victor.
Hah! splutters Violetta.
Violetta! says Victor. AKA Splosh! I might have guessed it was you.
What was me? says Violetta.
You the driver warned me about via the secret red button phone, says Victor.
Violetta cackles with laughter.
Just watch it, that's all, says Victor. We don't want your street art round here, wrecking our tidy town and our nice grey economy.
Wouldn't want to wreck that, says Violetta.
Victor, says Gaius, I'm here to give a lecture on Giant Cuttlefish. But I hear there is a famed Giant Squid in the Nautical Museum. I should like to see it.
That would be George, says Victor. You should definitely see him. I'll take you there now if you like.
Much obliged, Victor, says Gaius.
He and Victor walk off together.
Violetta stalks off in the opposite direction to look for a cafe.
Arthur and Ouvert, overcome by homesickness for France, decide to walk down to Wallaroo Bay.
Bunny and Lavender are still standing in front of the Rotunda, when the bus pulls away.
Baby Pierre! says Lavender. Where is Baby Pierre?
I left him behind on the bus, says Bunny. He was being a little shit.
Lavender is impressed. This is girl power. Bunny is cool.
.......
Baby Pierre is alone on the bus. At first he is frightened..... but.... no!
He is master of his own destiny! He is no priestly Pierre who is not a proper man; what does that even mean?
The real Baby Pierre is an atheist!
He is a free thinker! An existentialist! A nihilist!
As soon as he gets to the bus station, he will call Ageless lobster, his dad.
I get around, says Victor. In fact I have had a promotion.
To Wallaroo? says Gaius.
Upwards, nods Victor.
Hah! splutters Violetta.
Violetta! says Victor. AKA Splosh! I might have guessed it was you.
What was me? says Violetta.
You the driver warned me about via the secret red button phone, says Victor.
Violetta cackles with laughter.
Just watch it, that's all, says Victor. We don't want your street art round here, wrecking our tidy town and our nice grey economy.
Wouldn't want to wreck that, says Violetta.
Victor, says Gaius, I'm here to give a lecture on Giant Cuttlefish. But I hear there is a famed Giant Squid in the Nautical Museum. I should like to see it.
That would be George, says Victor. You should definitely see him. I'll take you there now if you like.
Much obliged, Victor, says Gaius.
He and Victor walk off together.
Violetta stalks off in the opposite direction to look for a cafe.
Arthur and Ouvert, overcome by homesickness for France, decide to walk down to Wallaroo Bay.
Bunny and Lavender are still standing in front of the Rotunda, when the bus pulls away.
Baby Pierre! says Lavender. Where is Baby Pierre?
I left him behind on the bus, says Bunny. He was being a little shit.
Lavender is impressed. This is girl power. Bunny is cool.
.......
Baby Pierre is alone on the bus. At first he is frightened..... but.... no!
He is master of his own destiny! He is no priestly Pierre who is not a proper man; what does that even mean?
The real Baby Pierre is an atheist!
He is a free thinker! An existentialist! A nihilist!
As soon as he gets to the bus station, he will call Ageless lobster, his dad.
Space Is Stronger
The bus rolls into Kadina. The landscape no longer reminds anyone of France.
Arthur and Ouvert lapse into a travellers' torpor.
Bunny is reading Lourdes to Baby Pierre and Lavender, who keep on interrupting.
Her box, what does it look like? asks Lavender.
Like a little wooden coffin on wheels, says Bunny.
Why would it have wheels? says Baby Pierre. She's on a train.
It has wheels, says Bunny, so that when they get to Lourdes, Pierre can drag Marie to the Grotto.
See, Baby Pierre, says Lavender. It does have wheels. My box didn't.
When were you in a box? says Baby Pierre. You weren't. I don't believe you.
When I was at the diggings with Arthur, says Lavender. I had to go in a box. You weren't there, so you don't know.
What for? says Baby Pierre.
So I wouldn't break, says Lavender.
You couldn't break, says Bunny. You're a fossilised shell imprinted in a pebble.
Baby Pierre rolls his eyes. He knows what's coming.
No, says Lavender. The fossilised shell's not me. I'm the space inside it. Arthur filled my space with mud, so I could see what I looked like, but when it dried I broke.
That shows that space is stronger, observes Bunny.
Oh yes, I'm stronger, says Lavender.
Than mud, says Baby Pierre.
Shut up, says Lavender.
At last the bus arrives in Wallaroo.
You want to get off at the Rotunda? shouts the driver.
Yes, says Violetta. Wait up! No!
She has seen a policeman lurking behind the Rotunda.
Too bad, says the driver. Rotunda was requested. You have to get off here.
They get off the bus, Gaius with his folder full of notes and box of cucumbers, Violetta with her purple backpack full of aerosols, Bunny with Lavender and the book of miracles, Arthur with Ouvert.
No one has noticed Baby Pierre is missing.
Hello 'ello, says the policeman.
Hello, officer, says Gaius. How may I.......VICTOR!
GAIUS! says the policeman, beaming. Welcome! Welcome to Wallaroo!
Arthur and Ouvert lapse into a travellers' torpor.
Bunny is reading Lourdes to Baby Pierre and Lavender, who keep on interrupting.
Her box, what does it look like? asks Lavender.
Like a little wooden coffin on wheels, says Bunny.
Why would it have wheels? says Baby Pierre. She's on a train.
It has wheels, says Bunny, so that when they get to Lourdes, Pierre can drag Marie to the Grotto.
See, Baby Pierre, says Lavender. It does have wheels. My box didn't.
When were you in a box? says Baby Pierre. You weren't. I don't believe you.
When I was at the diggings with Arthur, says Lavender. I had to go in a box. You weren't there, so you don't know.
What for? says Baby Pierre.
So I wouldn't break, says Lavender.
You couldn't break, says Bunny. You're a fossilised shell imprinted in a pebble.
Baby Pierre rolls his eyes. He knows what's coming.
No, says Lavender. The fossilised shell's not me. I'm the space inside it. Arthur filled my space with mud, so I could see what I looked like, but when it dried I broke.
That shows that space is stronger, observes Bunny.
Oh yes, I'm stronger, says Lavender.
Than mud, says Baby Pierre.
Shut up, says Lavender.
At last the bus arrives in Wallaroo.
You want to get off at the Rotunda? shouts the driver.
Yes, says Violetta. Wait up! No!
She has seen a policeman lurking behind the Rotunda.
Too bad, says the driver. Rotunda was requested. You have to get off here.
They get off the bus, Gaius with his folder full of notes and box of cucumbers, Violetta with her purple backpack full of aerosols, Bunny with Lavender and the book of miracles, Arthur with Ouvert.
No one has noticed Baby Pierre is missing.
Hello 'ello, says the policeman.
Hello, officer, says Gaius. How may I.......VICTOR!
GAIUS! says the policeman, beaming. Welcome! Welcome to Wallaroo!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
The Crucial Age Of Thirteen
The bus passes through Port Wakefield and into the yellow rolling hills at the top of Gulf Saint Vincent.
It reminds Arthur of the Tour de France.
This reminds me of the Tour De France, says Arthur. All these hills.
Let me see! says Ouvert.
Arthur lifts him up to see out of the window.
It reminds Ouvert of the Tour de France too. He remembers his glory days, as the sought-after lucky talisman of the Tour, passed from pocket to pocket. But who won it? Ouvert can't remember.
Who won the Tour? asks Ouvert.
Not us, says Arthur. And who even remembers? The last race is the only one that matters.
Is this the last race? asks Ouvert.
This isn't a race, says Arthur. This is a trip to Wallaroo, on a bus. The last race was Paris-Roubaix.
Who won it? asks Ouvert.
Cancellara, says Arthur.
Ouvert is sad.
.........
Bunny is going to read excerpts from Lourdes to Baby Pierre and Lavender.
Are you guys squeamish? asks Bunny.
No, says Baby Pierre. Why?
Because the people on the white train going to Lourdes suffer from horrible conditions, says Bunny. The white train is for the very worst cases. Open sores, cancers, inflammations, hideous facial ulcerations caused by lupus.....
Euuw! says Lavender. I thought it was about Baby Pierre.
I'm the priest, says Baby Pierre. I'm the reasonable priest.
True, he is called Pierre, says Bunny. But it's not about you. Pierre is a man. And Marie is a woman. And it's romantic because she's in a box.
I've been in a box, says Lavender.
Why is she in a box? asks Baby Pierre. Hasn't she got any legs?
She has legs, says Bunny. And beautiful golden hair. But ten years earlier, she fell off a horse at the crucial age of thirteen.....
Why is it the crucial age? says Lavender, enthralled.
Well... says Bunny. It stopped her becoming a woman. And Pierre you see, being a priest, isn't a proper man, and.....
Stop! says Baby Pierre. It's too awful!
...........
Gaius and Violetta are discussing their plans.
I shall be giving a lecture in the Wallaroo Town Hall, says Gaius, on the subject of the mating habits of the Giant Australian Cuttlefish, after which there will be questions, followed by drinks and snacks. It has all been arranged by the University of the Third Age, whatever that is.......
Don't you know? says Violetta. It's for old dudes. They learn Tai Chi and Canasta and Computers for Beginners, and how to make Quillos. I bet you'll be a hit.
What are Quillos? asks Gaius.
Who knows? says Violetta. I expect you'll find out. And while you're doing that I'll get busy.
Don't do anything rash, says Gaius.
That's all I do, says Violetta.
It reminds Arthur of the Tour de France.
This reminds me of the Tour De France, says Arthur. All these hills.
Let me see! says Ouvert.
Arthur lifts him up to see out of the window.
It reminds Ouvert of the Tour de France too. He remembers his glory days, as the sought-after lucky talisman of the Tour, passed from pocket to pocket. But who won it? Ouvert can't remember.
Who won the Tour? asks Ouvert.
Not us, says Arthur. And who even remembers? The last race is the only one that matters.
Is this the last race? asks Ouvert.
This isn't a race, says Arthur. This is a trip to Wallaroo, on a bus. The last race was Paris-Roubaix.
Who won it? asks Ouvert.
Cancellara, says Arthur.
Ouvert is sad.
.........
Bunny is going to read excerpts from Lourdes to Baby Pierre and Lavender.
Are you guys squeamish? asks Bunny.
No, says Baby Pierre. Why?
Because the people on the white train going to Lourdes suffer from horrible conditions, says Bunny. The white train is for the very worst cases. Open sores, cancers, inflammations, hideous facial ulcerations caused by lupus.....
Euuw! says Lavender. I thought it was about Baby Pierre.
I'm the priest, says Baby Pierre. I'm the reasonable priest.
True, he is called Pierre, says Bunny. But it's not about you. Pierre is a man. And Marie is a woman. And it's romantic because she's in a box.
I've been in a box, says Lavender.
Why is she in a box? asks Baby Pierre. Hasn't she got any legs?
She has legs, says Bunny. And beautiful golden hair. But ten years earlier, she fell off a horse at the crucial age of thirteen.....
Why is it the crucial age? says Lavender, enthralled.
Well... says Bunny. It stopped her becoming a woman. And Pierre you see, being a priest, isn't a proper man, and.....
Stop! says Baby Pierre. It's too awful!
...........
Gaius and Violetta are discussing their plans.
I shall be giving a lecture in the Wallaroo Town Hall, says Gaius, on the subject of the mating habits of the Giant Australian Cuttlefish, after which there will be questions, followed by drinks and snacks. It has all been arranged by the University of the Third Age, whatever that is.......
Don't you know? says Violetta. It's for old dudes. They learn Tai Chi and Canasta and Computers for Beginners, and how to make Quillos. I bet you'll be a hit.
What are Quillos? asks Gaius.
Who knows? says Violetta. I expect you'll find out. And while you're doing that I'll get busy.
Don't do anything rash, says Gaius.
That's all I do, says Violetta.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Miracles Can Be Intellectual Too
The secret red button connects the bus driver to the police station in Wallaroo.
Yes? says the policeman, at the police station, in Wallaroo.
Suspicious characters on board, says the driver, sotto voce. I'll be dropping them off at the Rotunda.
Rightio, says the policeman. Thanks for the headsup.
No worries, says the driver. He starts the engine, and pulls out of the bus station.
It is a long way to Wallaroo, but the bus seats are comfy.
Gaius settles back for a nap.
Arthur looks out of the window.
Bunny get's out her book.
What's your book? asks Violetta.
Lourdes, says Bunny. By Emile Zola.
Woohoo! says Violetta. Saint Bernadette!
It's so lovely, says Bunny. She saw the Virgin in a grotto, and the Virgin told her to build a chapel in that spot.
Brilliant, says Violetta. Is that what the book's about?
No, says Bunny. It's about a girl called Marie who goes there to pray for a cure, and her friend Pierre, a priest who's having a spiritual crisis, because he's too reasonable to have any faith. They go on a white train.
Violetta is not the only one listening.
Baby Pierre, Ouvert and Lavender are listening too, from deep down in Gaius's pocket.
Did you hear that? says Baby Pierre.
Not properly, says Lavender. It was muffled. But it was about you, Baby Pierre. And you went on a train.
That's what I thought, says Baby Pierre.
Ouvert is jealous. The book is about Baby Pierre on a train.
Ouch! says Gaius, waking up. What the devil?
It is Ouvert biting his leg through the cloth of his chinos. He drags Ouvert out.
I want to sit next to Arthur, says Ouvert.
Alright, says Gaius Why didn't you say so? What about Lavender and Baby Pierre? Do they want to come out?
Yes, we want to sit with Bunny, says Baby Pierre. She's got a book.
Has she indeed? says Gaius. What's your book about, Bunny?
Miracles, says Bunny. But it's intellectual too.
Is there anything to eat? says Arthur. I forgot to bring snacks.
I've a small box of cucumbers, says Gaius. If you'd care to have one....
Baby Pierre and Lavender settle down next to Bunny, hoping to hear more about miracles.
Ouvert sits next to Arthur, who chews on a cucumber.
Violetta moves to sit next to Gaius.
They are about to pass through Port Wakefield.
Yes? says the policeman, at the police station, in Wallaroo.
Suspicious characters on board, says the driver, sotto voce. I'll be dropping them off at the Rotunda.
Rightio, says the policeman. Thanks for the headsup.
No worries, says the driver. He starts the engine, and pulls out of the bus station.
It is a long way to Wallaroo, but the bus seats are comfy.
Gaius settles back for a nap.
Arthur looks out of the window.
Bunny get's out her book.
What's your book? asks Violetta.
Lourdes, says Bunny. By Emile Zola.
Woohoo! says Violetta. Saint Bernadette!
It's so lovely, says Bunny. She saw the Virgin in a grotto, and the Virgin told her to build a chapel in that spot.
Brilliant, says Violetta. Is that what the book's about?
No, says Bunny. It's about a girl called Marie who goes there to pray for a cure, and her friend Pierre, a priest who's having a spiritual crisis, because he's too reasonable to have any faith. They go on a white train.
Violetta is not the only one listening.
Baby Pierre, Ouvert and Lavender are listening too, from deep down in Gaius's pocket.
Did you hear that? says Baby Pierre.
Not properly, says Lavender. It was muffled. But it was about you, Baby Pierre. And you went on a train.
That's what I thought, says Baby Pierre.
Ouvert is jealous. The book is about Baby Pierre on a train.
Ouch! says Gaius, waking up. What the devil?
It is Ouvert biting his leg through the cloth of his chinos. He drags Ouvert out.
I want to sit next to Arthur, says Ouvert.
Alright, says Gaius Why didn't you say so? What about Lavender and Baby Pierre? Do they want to come out?
Yes, we want to sit with Bunny, says Baby Pierre. She's got a book.
Has she indeed? says Gaius. What's your book about, Bunny?
Miracles, says Bunny. But it's intellectual too.
Is there anything to eat? says Arthur. I forgot to bring snacks.
I've a small box of cucumbers, says Gaius. If you'd care to have one....
Baby Pierre and Lavender settle down next to Bunny, hoping to hear more about miracles.
Ouvert sits next to Arthur, who chews on a cucumber.
Violetta moves to sit next to Gaius.
They are about to pass through Port Wakefield.
Success Threats and Promises
Arthur's Banksy piece is published in Velosophy, and proves popular.
Banksy himself even makes a comment. That is, if it is Banksy.
Banksy, if it is Banksy, writes: Good piece, guys. Just what I would have written if I wasn't Banksy. Disclaimer: This was written by Banksy.
Banksy's comment proves even more popular. There is talk of preserving it in perspex.
........
Baby Pierre, Ouvert and Lavender are excited. They are going to Wallaroo.
Do you have something to read? asks Kobo.
No, Auntie Kobo, says Baby Pierre. We'll be too busy to do any reading.
Bunny's got a book, says Lavender. It's called Lourdes, by Emile Zola.
That's alright then, says Kobo. I'm sure you'll learn something from that.
..............
It's ten a.m. Bunny, Arthur and Gaius are at the bus station, waiting for Violetta to arrive.
The bus is about to leave. They get on board.
Tickets? says the driver.
Drat, says Gaius. I knew I'd forgotten something.
No ticket, no ride, says the driver.
Violetta dashes up with a huge purple backpack bulging with aerosol cans.
What's up? says Violetta.
No tickets, says Bunny. We have to get off.
Nonsense, says Violetta, jumping up the steps to threaten the driver.
How would you like a dozen oversized Giant Cuttlefish mating lasciviously graffitied all over your bus? growls Violetta.
Is that a threat or an offer? says the driver, who has a soft spot for cuttlefish.
Either, says Violetta.
Done, says the driver. Get on board.
Does this mean we don't have to pay? says Gaius.
She doesn't, says the driver.
None of my friends do, says Violetta, reaching for a spray can.
Fine, says the driver. Calm down. Whatever you say.
He closes the doors of the bus, and presses a secret red button.
Banksy himself even makes a comment. That is, if it is Banksy.
Banksy, if it is Banksy, writes: Good piece, guys. Just what I would have written if I wasn't Banksy. Disclaimer: This was written by Banksy.
Banksy's comment proves even more popular. There is talk of preserving it in perspex.
........
Baby Pierre, Ouvert and Lavender are excited. They are going to Wallaroo.
Do you have something to read? asks Kobo.
No, Auntie Kobo, says Baby Pierre. We'll be too busy to do any reading.
Bunny's got a book, says Lavender. It's called Lourdes, by Emile Zola.
That's alright then, says Kobo. I'm sure you'll learn something from that.
..............
It's ten a.m. Bunny, Arthur and Gaius are at the bus station, waiting for Violetta to arrive.
The bus is about to leave. They get on board.
Tickets? says the driver.
Drat, says Gaius. I knew I'd forgotten something.
No ticket, no ride, says the driver.
Violetta dashes up with a huge purple backpack bulging with aerosol cans.
What's up? says Violetta.
No tickets, says Bunny. We have to get off.
Nonsense, says Violetta, jumping up the steps to threaten the driver.
How would you like a dozen oversized Giant Cuttlefish mating lasciviously graffitied all over your bus? growls Violetta.
Is that a threat or an offer? says the driver, who has a soft spot for cuttlefish.
Either, says Violetta.
Done, says the driver. Get on board.
Does this mean we don't have to pay? says Gaius.
She doesn't, says the driver.
None of my friends do, says Violetta, reaching for a spray can.
Fine, says the driver. Calm down. Whatever you say.
He closes the doors of the bus, and presses a secret red button.
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