The Politics Of Spines

The sea urchin spine has been extracted from Ray's foot with tweezers.

Millicent is about to drop it in the bin.

Before you do that, says Gaius, may I see it?

She thrusts the spine at him. He leans forward to have a look.

She is thinking: Now what? Is he going to want to keep it? How disgusting.

He is thinking: A purple spine. A little sticky. Of no particular interest.

She says: Would you like to keep it?

He says : Yes of course.

He extracts the spine from in between the tweezers, and drops it into Captain Louttit's jug.

Captain Louttit eyes it, floating gently down towards the anxious barnacles.

He is thinking: This is an insult which may later come in handy.

He says, not expecting an answer: Oho. What have we here?

He does not get an answer. Millicent is handing out the scones.

Any jam? asks Schopenhauer.

These are cheese scones, says Millicent.

A non sequitur, surely? says Schopenhauer.

Jam on cheese scones? says Millicent. But, if you'd like some....

Unni comes in from the garden shed where she has been with Arthur.

My old bike's here, says Unni. I'm going to Tasmania.

Ray, says Millicent. This is your fault.

But Ray has fallen into a spineless sleep.

When are we leaving? says Unni. We've already missed the morning ferry. What about tonight? Have you guys got tickets?

Not yet, says Gaius. I wonder what it costs?

Geez! says Unni. You guys are hopeless.

She gets out her phone and taps at it for several seconds.

A hundred and twenty nine dollars one way, for an Ocean Recliner, says Unni. Six dollars extra for a bike. Oh, look! There's half price fares next month.

We can't wait, says Gaius. And it matters little, because we have the money. Arthur has it.

He does, does he? says Unni, looking straight faced at Arthur.

She already knows what he has in his pockets.

His  gold coin, which is unreliable, and fifty dollars, change from fish and chips.

Ridiculous Parents

Melbourne at last. Schopenhauer slows down.

Where does this Millicent of yours live? asks Schopenhauer.

Mordialloc, says Ray. Keep going. It's a beachside suburb. There's a carpark with a statue of a horse.

The carpark is easily located, due to the horse.

She lives over the road, says Ray.

We should be going, says Gaius. We must book our tickets for the ferry.

No, come in and meet Millicent, says Ray.

He's thinking: There's strength in numbers.

But he says: She'll probably have scones.

Schopenhauer likes scones. He likes them with raspberry jam.

Ray knocks on the door of the house of Millicent Mountjoy-Moon.

Knock knock.

The door opens.

Dad! says Unni. What are you doing here?

Unni! What are you doing here? says Ray.

Visiting mum, says Unni. Where have you been? What's happened to your foot? Oh, hello Gaius. Hi, Arthur.
What's in that jug? Come on in.

Schopenhauer is thinking : How pleasant. How domestic. Perhaps I was wrong about marriage.

Millicent Mountjoy-Moon comes out of the bathroom..

Ray! says Millicent. This is unexpected. Unni, did you know he was coming?

No, mum, says Unni. Last I heard he'd been bitten by a python.

On the foot, I see, says Millicent. Very careless. Let's see, Ray.

No, says Ray. This is a sea urchin puncture. I was wondering....

Sit down, Ray, says Millicent. And who are these people?

This is Schopenhauer, says Ray. The real Schopenhauer.

Very nice, says Millicent. The real Schopenhauer. Tell me, Mr real-Schopenhauer, how is it that you are still alive?

Madam, says Schopenhauer. I have often asked myself the same question.

At least you are some kind of philosopher, says Millicent. May I offer you tea and scones?

We should be delighted, says Gaius.

I didn't ask you, says Millicent. Who might you be?

Gaius Plinius Secundus, says Gaius. Natural historian. On my way to Tasmania, seeking information on the giant jellyfish. And this is Arthur, my right hand man.

So this is the famous Arthur, says Millicent, shooting a look at her daughter.

Mum! says Unni. Don't call him the famous Arthur. It's so revealing.

Arthur wonders, revealing of what?

And I see he's brought us a present, says Millicent. A lobster and some shivering barnacles.

It's not a present, says Gaius. This is our honoured companion, Captain Louttit. He is in charge of the barnacles, all of whom are in excellent spirits.

Captain Louttit bows, insofar as is possible in a jug. The barnacles try to look brave.

Millicent! groans Ray. My foot is killing me!

Millicent lifts up his foot. Peels the sock off. Arggh! That hurts.

Oh Jesus! says Millicent. Wait a minute. She goes into the bathroom and comes back with the tweezers.

Tweezers at last! Dear Millicent! says Ray, happily, sinking back in the chair.

Unni grimaces at Arthur. Ridiculous parents!

You going to Tasmania? says Unni.

Yes, says Arthur. On bikes.

Mum, says Unni. Is my old bike still here?

I don't think so, says Millicent, quickly.

Goethe on Stones

It's not far from Lorne to Geelong.

Schopenhauer is driving. Ray wants to go faster. Gaius would prefer to slow down.

I'll make the decisions, says Schopenhauer, maintaining his speed.

You don't need to go through Geelong, says Ray. Take the bypass.

I have already looked at the map, says Schopenhauer. It's an old one, but I trust that the place is still there. I intend to visit the small coastal town of Indented Head.

Gaius is happy with that.

Ray isn't.

Schopenhauer turns east to the coast, and follows Esplanade Road to Indented Head.

Coffee break, says Schopenhauer. Ten minutes.

I'll stay in the Ute, mutters Ray.

He sits in the cabin and looks stonily at the features of Indented Head.

Shacks, a Post Office, a picturesque shipwreck offshore.

Arthur appears at the window, with Captain Louttit.

Here, says Arthur. Captain Louttit wants someone to talk to.

I'm bad company, says Ray. It's my foot.

Arthur hands Captain Louttit in through the window, spilling seawater out of the jug.

Steady, lad! says Captain Louttit.

Arthur goes off to join the others.

You're a mild-mannered bugger, says Ray.

Not really, says Captain Louttit. I have a controlled temper. See these barnacles?

What about them? saysRay.

Trembling, says Captain Louttit. Every last one of them. That's fear.

Ray looks hard at the barnacles inside the jug. It is difficult to tell if they're trembling or merely ingesting.

I'll take your word for it, says Ray. I suppose you threatened to eat them?

No, no, says Captain Louttit. There are better ways to terrify a crew.

Ray knows that, being a Pastor.

..........

Arthur, Gaius and Schopenhauer have found a cafe. They are drinking espressos, and admiring the picturesque shipwreck.

Peaceful place, says Schopenhauer. Calming. Have we finished?

Always in a hurry, says Gaius. I should like to examine the stones.

You have an interest in stones? says Schopenhauer. So did Goethe.

Who doesn't? says Arthur.

No need to take that tone, says Schopenhauer. Goethe wrote a great deal on stones.

Didn't he have any paper? says Arthur.

Schopenhauer ignores him, stands up, and heads back to the Ute.

.........

On the last leg to Melbourne, Gaius sits in the back, with Arthur and Captain Louttit.

Goethe, the expert on stones, says Gaius. First I've heard of it.

Stones? says Captain Louttit? Stones abound in this area. It is chock full, as it were, of stones. Bluestones and sandstones and limestones, brown coal and volcanic plains......

You see? says Gaius to Arthur. Even a lobster....

Yes, I see, says Arthur. You're jealous of Goethe.

Never, says Gaius. But Schopenhauer can be overbearing.

He's a bad driver, says Arthur. And he doesn't have a licence.

This makes Gaius feel better, and then, somewhat anxious.

It's lucky they're nearly in Melbourne.

An Ethical Substitution

Early next morning at Lorne the sun comes up.

Schopenhauer wakes up (and breathes in the ozone).

Ray wakes up (and examines his foot).

Gaius sits up (and brushes the sand off his nose).

That's everyone up then.

And here is Arthur. Yes, Arthur is up.

Gaius remembers last night. Does he still have a barnacle? He looks at the jug.

Jupiter! The jug is empty of all but a few floating sea grapes!

Where has the Admiral gone?

Arthur, says Gaius. Have you seen that cursed lobster?

I was going to tell you, says Arthur.

Tell me what? says Gaius.

But you were asleep, says Arthur.

Thank you, says Gaius. But now you may tell me.

Arthur took it, says Ray. He came and took it back to the campfire at the end of the beach. I saw him. I was awake.

Arthur looks at Ray witheringly. Once a prick always a prick.

Truth dawns on Gaius.

You ate him!

Not just me, says Arthur. My new friends as well.

It was Arthur's lobster, says Schopenhauer.

Gaius mentally goes through the ethics.

Yes, it was Arthur's lobster. But they had all made friends. On the downside, the lobster had eaten all of his barnacles, after treating them badly. Singing lewd songs and making them dance. On balance Gaius is glad to be rid of Admiral de Guichen. And, as they are still at the beach, there should be time to collect more barnacles.....

Top of the morning! says someone.

They all turn around.

Mercy! says Ray. Another one!

Isn't it the same one? says Schopenhauer.

No, says Gaius, this one is different. Trust me, I am a natural historian.

I am looking for Admiral de Guichen, says Captain Louttit. Where is he?

Sadly, he has met his demise, says Gaius.

Alas, says Captain Louttit. My name is Captain Louttit. I was in hopes of joining him on the voyage to Tasmania. But I see I am too late. Was he eaten?

Yes, says Ray, he was eaten by......

Never mind, says Gaius. There is no profit in knowing by whom or by what he was eaten. Tell me, Captain Louttit, hypothetically speaking, what of barnacles? How should they be treated?

I'm for equality, says Captain Louttit. A fair do for all. That's my way. Always has been.

Yes but specifically, says Gaius. Do you eat them? Do you make them dance?

I am a vegan, says Captain Louttit.

Very commendable, says Gaius. And of course, you are a qualified sailor.

Indeed, says Captain Louttit. At your service.

Welcome aboard, Captain Louttit, says Gaius, indicating the jug.

And so, after a short time spent collecting more barnacles, the party, including a more amenable and qualified lobster, departs Lorne, in the direction of Geelong.

Crazy Night Beach Happening

It's dark The moon is new.

The sand is cool and silky, and faintly smells of matches.

The sea is doing what it does at night.

Shuuurrrsh......hrmmmm.......shuuurrrshh.

Ray is sleeping, but perhaps it is the rhythm.......Tung! He sits bolt upright on the sand.

The verse by Kipling has assembled itself in his subconscious.

He pulls at Schopenhauer's sleeve.

Wa...? says Schopenhauer, in startled German.

I remembered it, says Ray. It goes like this:

Buy my hot-wood clematis
Buy my frond of fern
Gathered where the Erskine leaps
Down the road to Lorne.

There are many things about that which are questionable, says Schopenhauer.

Did someone mention hot-wood clematis? says Gaius.

Kipling, says Ray. He mentioned it.

Gaius is puzzled. Has Kipling joined the party?

The silence is broken by the sound of lubricious singing, coming from the jug.

It's only me from over the sea......says.....Barnacle Bill the Sailor!

Gaius reaches over and raps on the jug.

The singing continues, uproariously:

Who's that kno..o..cking on my door?
Who's that kno..o..cking on my door?
Says the fair young Maiden!

Gaius peers into the jug, in time to see the last barnacle balancing precariously on Admiral de Guichen's large claw.

Dance, barnacle, damn ye! cries Admiral de Guichen.

The barnacle dances a jig of despair.

Wait! cries the barnacle in desperation. Think of Charles Darwin!

Charles Darwin hated barnacles as no man had before! says Admiral de Guichen. He said so.

Did he? says Gaius. That's news to me.

He didn't mean it, squeaks the barnacle. He was just tired of looking at us through a microscope for eight years.

Understandable, says Gaius. Now quieten down everyone. I need to get some shut-eye.

Everyone lies down again, or sinks to the bottom.

None of them has noticed Arthur, who has wandered down the beach towards a flickering campfire.

Bitter Experience

Cotton, says Captain Louttit. They were made of cotton. The bikinis.

Before the days of lycra, says Admiral de Guichen. Yes I remember. Particularly the bottoms. They were more.... ...what's the word I'm looking for....... bunchy.

That's the word for it, says Captain Louttit. Some of them were only made of string.

I know, says Admiral de Guichen. Not much left to the imagination.

Why does his stump feel itchy?

What happened to your leg? says Captain Louttit. You're missing a back pereipod.

Fell off when I was kidnapped, says Admiral de Guichen.

Kidnapped? says Captain Louttit. Are you on the run?

No, I'm on my way to Tasmania, says Admiral de Guichen. See that fellow over there?

With the jug? says Captain Louttit.

That's the one, says Admiral de Guichen. That jug is to be my vessel. How are the mighty fallen, eh?

I don't know, says Captain Louttit. I wouldn't mind seeing Tasmania. But your vessel's filling up.

Filling up? says Admiral de Guichen. Skittle my timbers! He's filling it with barnacles and sea grapes! I'd best push off before I lose my berth.

Farewell old friend. Fair winds and following seas! says Captain Louttit.

Following SEAS? says Admiral de Guichen. Not winds. Of course! That's how it goes.

.....

Arthur is scouring Lorne for the cheapest fish and chip shop. He finds the Salty Dog.

Fish and chips for four comes to just under fifty dollars, which is quite cheap for Lorne.

On the way back to the beach with fish and chips he passes the public toilets, outside which two girls are laughing.

One points to the house across the road.

The architect copied the design. It's so hilarious, she says.

I bet the owners hate it, says the other.

Arthur looks at the house and at the toilet.

He likes a town where such things are allowed.

.......

On the beach Schopenhauer, Ray, Arthur and Gaius eat their fish and chips while seagulls squabble all around them.

Scavengers! says Admiral de Guichen, from the safety of his barnacle and sea grape laden jug..

Chip? says Arthur.

No, thanks, says Admiral de Guichen, eyeing the barnacles. I might have something later on.

Not the barnacles! says Gaius. They are for research purposes.

Squaaawk! says a particularly aggressive seagull.

Arthur reaches into his pocket and tosses something long, thin and articulated to the seagull.

Was that what I think it was? says Ray.

He didn't want it, says Arthur.

Still, says Ray. It's disrespectful. A leg's shouldn't be a disposable commodity.

I agree, says Schopenhauer. Respect for animals

I forgot you were a Buddhist, says Ray.

Buddhist? says Gaius. May I enquire how that accords with eating fish and chips?

I'm not a practical Buddhist, says Schopenhauer. Now, we have a decision to make. Do we push on to Melbourne or stay here overnight?

Ray will want to get to Melbourne, says Gaius. He needs medical attention.

I do, says Ray. And I will get that from my Millicent, but I would rather surprise her in the morning that late at night. That's one thing I've learned from bitter experience.

So it's agreed. They will spend their last night sleeping on the beach.

Shining Waterfalls And Secret Houses

The Ute rolls into Lorne, and stops on Mountjoy Parade, where all the cafes are.

It's half past four.

Ah, Lorne, the jewel of the Great Ocean Road, says Ray. I have memories of family holidays here in the caravan park. Millicent, me, Bunny, Barty, Bingo.........

You brought rabbits? says Schopenhauer. How extraordinary.

Rabbits? says Ray. No no. Bunny is my daughter, that was her name before she became Unni.

He shoots a black look at Arthur, who is helping Admiral de Guichen down from the tray.

What was Unni like in those days?  asks Arthur.

A treasure, says Ray. She used to take charge of Barty and Bingo and off they'd go. We wouldn't see them from dawn to supper time. Fishing, fishing, fishing.....

What for? says Gaius.

For Jesus, says Ray. That's how we used to work in those days. I know it was politically incorrect.

Disgraceful, says Schopenhauer. You and you wife ought to be horse whipped.

Water under the bridge, says Admiral de Guichen. Speaking of water....

Come with me, says Gaius. Give me the jug, Arthur.

Gaius, the jug and Admiral de Guichen make their way down to the rocks.

Right, says Schopenhauer. Let's get an early dinner. Any recommendations?

Fish and chips, says Ray. Unless you're paying.

I am paying, says Schopenhauer. I owe Arthur a dinner. What would you like, Arthur?

Fish and chips, says Arthur.

Here, says Schopenhauer, handing Arthur two fifty dollar notes. Get enough for everyone, and meet us on the beach.

Arthur goes off to find a fish and chip shop.

Schopenhauer and Ray go down to sit upon the sand.

It is a pretty bay, with rocks at one end, and steeply wooded hills in the background, threaded with shining waterfalls, and secret houses.

Kipling stayed here once, says Ray. He wrote a poem.

I bet it was dreadful, says Schopenhauer.

Actually it was, says Ray. If only I could remember it.

He closes his eyes, and tries to recall the verse he and Millicent had once laughed at.

Schopenhauer squints into the distance. He sees Gaius, with the sunlight flashing through his jug.

He can't see Admiral de Guichen.

Admiral de Guichen has gone as far as he can go, looking for Captain Louttit.

He is about to give up when he hears, AHOY! Admiral de Guichen!

Captain Louttit! cries Admiral de Guichen.

The two old sea dogs settle down for a yarn.

Just come through Port Fairy, says Admiral de Guichen.

How is it? says Captain Louttit. Much the same?

Gentrified, says Admiral de Guichen. You wouldn't know it.

Tell me about it, says Captain Louttit. Lorne was such a wild place in the sixties. Remember the Arab?

Hoarrr! says Admiral de Guichen. The Arab. Those girls in their bikinis. Do I what!