Ridiculous Parents

Melbourne at last. Schopenhauer slows down.

Where does this Millicent of yours live? asks Schopenhauer.

Mordialloc, says Ray. Keep going. It's a beachside suburb. There's a carpark with a statue of a horse.

The carpark is easily located, due to the horse.

She lives over the road, says Ray.

We should be going, says Gaius. We must book our tickets for the ferry.

No, come in and meet Millicent, says Ray.

He's thinking: There's strength in numbers.

But he says: She'll probably have scones.

Schopenhauer likes scones. He likes them with raspberry jam.

Ray knocks on the door of the house of Millicent Mountjoy-Moon.

Knock knock.

The door opens.

Dad! says Unni. What are you doing here?

Unni! What are you doing here? says Ray.

Visiting mum, says Unni. Where have you been? What's happened to your foot? Oh, hello Gaius. Hi, Arthur.
What's in that jug? Come on in.

Schopenhauer is thinking : How pleasant. How domestic. Perhaps I was wrong about marriage.

Millicent Mountjoy-Moon comes out of the bathroom..

Ray! says Millicent. This is unexpected. Unni, did you know he was coming?

No, mum, says Unni. Last I heard he'd been bitten by a python.

On the foot, I see, says Millicent. Very careless. Let's see, Ray.

No, says Ray. This is a sea urchin puncture. I was wondering....

Sit down, Ray, says Millicent. And who are these people?

This is Schopenhauer, says Ray. The real Schopenhauer.

Very nice, says Millicent. The real Schopenhauer. Tell me, Mr real-Schopenhauer, how is it that you are still alive?

Madam, says Schopenhauer. I have often asked myself the same question.

At least you are some kind of philosopher, says Millicent. May I offer you tea and scones?

We should be delighted, says Gaius.

I didn't ask you, says Millicent. Who might you be?

Gaius Plinius Secundus, says Gaius. Natural historian. On my way to Tasmania, seeking information on the giant jellyfish. And this is Arthur, my right hand man.

So this is the famous Arthur, says Millicent, shooting a look at her daughter.

Mum! says Unni. Don't call him the famous Arthur. It's so revealing.

Arthur wonders, revealing of what?

And I see he's brought us a present, says Millicent. A lobster and some shivering barnacles.

It's not a present, says Gaius. This is our honoured companion, Captain Louttit. He is in charge of the barnacles, all of whom are in excellent spirits.

Captain Louttit bows, insofar as is possible in a jug. The barnacles try to look brave.

Millicent! groans Ray. My foot is killing me!

Millicent lifts up his foot. Peels the sock off. Arggh! That hurts.

Oh Jesus! says Millicent. Wait a minute. She goes into the bathroom and comes back with the tweezers.

Tweezers at last! Dear Millicent! says Ray, happily, sinking back in the chair.

Unni grimaces at Arthur. Ridiculous parents!

You going to Tasmania? says Unni.

Yes, says Arthur. On bikes.

Mum, says Unni. Is my old bike still here?

I don't think so, says Millicent, quickly.