How To Disarm A Christian

Gaius and Schopenhauer dismount and creep up on the Holden Commodore.

They hear demonic laughter coming from the open window.

And wonder what to do.

.......

They needn't worry.

The boys have knocked Unni and Arthur off their bikes and hauled them into the back seat of the Holden Commodore, among the empty bottles and MacDonald's wrappers, and a few discarded chips.

Arthur is feeling hungry, and picks a chip up.

Which one of yous did it? says the youthful driver (whose name is Benedict).

Me, says Unni. You asked for it, remember? And ha ha , now everyone will think you're Christians.

Fuck that, says a second boy ( whose name is Simon-Peter). We already are Christians.

Yeah, says the third boy ( Ezekial ). How'd you fucken know?

Country town lads, says Unni.  Which town do you come from?

Beaconsfield, says Benedict. We're goin' home for Easter.

Awesome, says Unni. We're going to Beaconsfield. Will the shops be open?

Nah, says Benedict. Not at fucken Easter.

Geez yeah, no, the shops'll all be shut for fucken Easter, says Simon Peter.

That's too bad, says Arthur, who has sensibly put down his risky chip.

Follow us, says Benedict. We're former altar boys. We'll take you to see Father Martin. He'll help yous.

You guys are awesome, says Unni. The fellowship of Christians is God's blessing.

Arthur looks sideways at Unni. Is she kidding?

I know Jesus personally, continues Unni. So does Arthur.

Fuck, says Ezekial. What's he like?

He doesn't call himself Jesus these days, says Unni, airily. His friends all call him Sweezus.

That's pretty cool, says Simon-Peter. Father Martin will fucken shit himself.

This prompts the demonic laughter that Gaius and Schopenhauer are hearing.

Gaius raps sharply on the passenger door.

Arthur sticks his head out.

Is everything all right? says Gaius.

Just having a bit of fellowship, says Arthur. Out in a minute.

Schopenhauer looks shocked for a second. Is that what young people call it nowadays?

He shoots a look at Gaius.

But Gaius has maintained his equanimity.