Anything But Jesus

Arthur, Unni, Gaius and Schopenhauer follow the Holden Commodore to Beaconsfield.

The Commodore pulls up outside St Francis Xavier.

Father Martin Aye Ngwe comes out.

Boys! says Father Martin Aye Ngwe. You've missed morning Mass. What scamps you are!

We just got here, says Benedict, getting out of the Commodore.

It's Good Friday, says Father Martin Aye Ngwe. Morning Mass. Ten o'clock. Three Spires Ecumenical Walk. You missed all of it.

Sorry, Father, says Simon-Peter. We were talking to these guys. They reckon they know Jesus.

Father Martin Aye Ngwe turns to inspect the cycling party.

They think they know Jesus? He'll see if that is true.

Welcome all, says Father Martin Aye Ngwe. Come inside.

Very kind, says Gaius. I have a great interest in architecture.

I hope that is not your only interest, says Father Martin Aye Ngwe.

Of course not, says Gaius. I am a natural historian..

You don't say, says Father Martin Aye Ngwe. I myself am a zoologist.

Wow! says Unni.

When is he going to ask them about Jesus?

I'm a great fan of Pliny the Elder, says Father Martin Aye Ngwe.

Gaius turns red with pleasure.

He stands before you, says Gaius.

My goodness. Come in, come in all of you, says Father Martin. I'll make a cup of tea.

They all go in, except Benedict, Simon-Peter and Ezekial, who drive off to find Simon-Peter's brother, a Beaconsfield car detailer, who might know what to do about the fish.

We're on a pilgrimage, says Unni. To Hobart.

Bless you, says Father Martin Aye Ngwe. Hobart. Good luck with that.

Any biscuits? asks Arthur.

What am I thinking? says Father Martin Aye Ngwe. I have hot cross buns in the oven.

Jesus doesn't like hot cross buns, says Unni.

Oh yes, you know him of course, says Father Martin Aye Ngwe.

He calls himself Sweezus these days, says Unni. He writes articles for a philosophical magazine. He gets me to help him with the editing.

I enjoy a bit of philosophy, says Father Martin Aye Ngwe.

Glad to hear it, says Schopenhauer. I too enjoy a bit of philosophy. By the way, have you got any sea water?

For your lobster? says Father Martin Aye Ngwe. I'm sorry, I have what's in the font, but it's not very salty.

I refuse to have font water, says Captain Louttit. I am a vegan.

We're quite close to the Tamar, says Father Martin Aye Ngwe. It's saline and tidal.

Arthur, says Gaius. How about taking a run down to the Tamar?

Let him have his bun first, says Father Martin Aye Ngwe.

Arthur sits down in a pew and looks idly at the various crucifixions.

Nice church, says Gaius, looking around. Is that your mother?

She is everyone's mother, says Father Martin Aye Ngwe. But don't worry, I realise you're joking.

I am not religious, says Gaius. Schopenhauer here is a Buddhist. Arthur is a poet. And Unni has her own congregation, somewhere in Blaxland.

A poet, says Father Martin Aye Ngwe. I have always admired Goethe.

So have I, says Schopenhauer. In fact I knew him quite well. We collaborated on a theory of Vision and Colour.

Unni has had enough of being ignored. She gets up and walks out of St Francis Xavier, kicking the Virgin Mother on the way.

Where is she going? asks Father Martin Aye Ngwe. I wanted to have a chat to her about journalism. I used to teach Communication and Skills.