The Cloacal Kiss

Right, says Auntie Leena. What are we looking for?

Orange-bellied parrots, says Du Fresne.

There's not many of them about these days, says Auntie Doreen.

I know, says Du Fresne. And I'm looking for two in particular.

That's even harder, says Auntie Doreen. Unless they look different.

They don't look different, says Du Fresne. 

What does everyone reckon? says Auntie Flora. Split up and look around?

Let's have another cup of tea first, says Auntie Doreen.

I'll start now, says Du Fresne.

Don't go too far, says Auntie Leena.

I can't go too far, says Du Fresne. It would help if I didn't have this string on.

All right, says Auntie Leena. I'll undo it.

Alors! Du Fresne is now free.

He makes his way slowly out of the bird hide.

And edges away.

He passes some eucalypts. He does not notice the hollows inside.  

Therefore he does not notice the rotten wood chips inside the hollows.

On which a bird sits.

The bird is a female orange-bellied parrot. 

She is waiting for her new partner to come back.

He's a strange one, her new partner, and so is his brother.

They seem timorous and yet.....they tell such stories. 

She pokes her head out of the hollow.

A lobster, what's he doing here?

She withdraws, so the lobster won't see her.

But then, why not be bold? 

She emerges.

Hello stranger!

Du Fresne stiffens. And turns. 

An orange-bellied parrot!

Well met! says Du Fresne. I don't suppose you are one of the orange-bellied parrots who came here on a ferry?

No, says the female.

Or that you know of them? says Dr Fresne.

Who's asking? asks the female.

Captain Du Fresne, says Du Fresne. On behalf of my fellow sea captain, Baudin, who asked me to check on their mating successes.

Why would he care? asks the female.

He would not, says Du Fresne. He asked me on behalf of an acquaintance, who does.

And he is...? asks the female.

Gaius Plinius Secundus, says Du Fresne. 

Long name, says the female.

It's not so unusual, says Du Fresne. I myself am called Marc-Joseph Marion Du Fresne.

Isn't Marion a girl's name? asks the female.

No it isn't, says Du Fresne. So, do you have information, or am I wasting my time?

I'm the partner of one of them, says the female. And...we've done it.

Done what? asks Du Fresne. 

The cloacal kiss, says the female.

Cloacal kiss! Ahem!

Du Fresne is startled by her candour.

Not Necessarily A Pickle

What did you learn? asks Gaius.

Du Fresne's in a pickle, says Baudin. 

Elaborate, says Gaius.

In a bird hide with the aunties, says Baudin. 

That is not necessarily a pickle, says Gaius. 

He's being re-educated, says Baudin.

Even that may not be the worst thing, says Gaius. 

And what would be? asks Baudin.

If he were to lose sight of why he went there in the first place, says Gaius.

Good point, says Baudin. But he may well have lost sight of it.

Perhaps you could get in touch again and remind him, says Gaius. 

I can but try, says Baudin.

After all he is in a bird hide, says Gaius. 

Baudin tries. 

Crackle crackle swup crackle phee!

The attempt at communication reaches the bird hide.

Du Fresne fiddles with a protuberance on the side of his head.

That's your Old People again! says Auntie Doreen. Turn it up, so we can hear them.

Yes, says Auntie Leena. But make sure they know that we're listening.

Du Fresne makes another attempt to tune in.

Crackle swee! Du Fresne can you hear me? 

You Old People! says Auntie Flora. We're listening in!

That was Auntie Flora, says Du Fresne. The aunties want to ask if they might listen in.

Respectfully, says Auntie Doreen. We respect you Old People.

Crackle? says Baudin (or so it sounds in the the bird hide).

Speak up! says Du Fresne. 

Craaaackle! says Baudin unhelpfully.

I'll have to go outside, says Du Fresne. If the aunties will let me.

Sure we'll let you, says Auntie Leena. But this time we're coming as well.

Speak for yourself, Leena, says Flora.

You two coming? asks Flora. 

The aunties stand up, and follow Du Fresne out of the bird hide, where reception is better.

Just a reminder that you're there to follow up on the orange-bellied parrots, says Baudin. Have they found partners? Mated? Built their nests yet? Gaius is keen to know.

Apologies, says Du Fresne. I had forgotten. There's been a lot going on.

Keep your eyes open and stay in touch, says Baudin. Crackle crackle.

Du Fresne looks at the aunties. 

The aunties look back at Du Fresne.

The Old People have spoken, says Auntie Doreen. We'd best go back inside and finish off this bird business.

Du Fresne allows himself to feel somewhat encouraged.

The Old People

Du Fresne is in the bird hide, with the aunties.

The aunties are sharing tea from a flask.

Did anyone bring any biscuits? asks Auntie Flora.

Crackle crackle.

What's that sound? asks Auntie Leena.

It's coming from the lobster, says Auntie Doreen.

Someone is trying to contact me, says Du Fresne. 

One of your Old People? asks Auntie Leena.

I know not, says Du Fresne. Reception is bad.

Go outside then, says Auntie Doreen.

Shouldn't one of us go with him? asks Auntie Leena.

Are you volunteering? says Auntie Doreen.

Tie a string on him, suggests Auntie Flora.

Good thinking, Flo, says Auntie Doreen.

The aunties cackle.

Leena produces a string.

Du Fresne skitters out of the bird hide, attached to a string.

Crackle crackle.

Yes? says Du Fresne.

Baudin here, says Captain Baudin. Are you all right? We heard you've been taken by aunties.

Not so loud, says Du Fresne. They think you're one of the Old People.

Old people? says Captain Baudin. We are old lobsters, potentially immortal.

No need to explain it to me, says Du Fresne. 

Sorry, says Baudin. We've been worried. Why did you steal their canoe?

To see if it was seaworthy, says Du Fresne. 

I thought you were at a lagoon? says Baudin. 

Yes, all right, says Du Fresne. Lagoon-worthy.

And was it? asks Baudin.

I never found out, says Du Fresne. And now I'm to be re-educated by the aunties.

Where are you? asks Baudin.

In the bird hide, says Du Fresne. The aunties are drinking their tea. 

Auntie Doreen pokes her head out of the bird hide.

Time's up! says Auntie Doreen, yanking his string. 

Du Fresne scrapes his way back into the bird hide.

C'est humiliant!

How has his carefree seafaring life boiled down to this?

Taken By Aunties

I would have called earlier, says Gaius. But my phone needed recharging.

Isn't it always the way, says Barb.

Indeed, says Gaius. But why am I too late to put in a good word for the captain?

We have handed him over to the aunties, says Barb.

The Needwonnees? asks Gaius.

No, not the Needwonnees, says Barb, There are none of them left. These are aunties who helped build the Needwonnee Walk. 

Is it possible to speak with the aunties? asks Gaius.

I'll make some enquiries, says Barb.

Thank you, says Gaius. You see, Captain Du Fresne was doing us a favour.

Stealing a paperbark canoe? says Barb.

No, says Gaius. He should not have done that. He went off on a tangent.

What was he supposed to be doing? asks Barb.

Checking on the two orange-bellied parrots we sent over to Melaleuca from here, says Gaius. 

Sent over? says Barb. Don't they fly here by by instinct?

These ones lacked the courage, says Gauius. So we sent them by ferry.

Ha ha! laughs Barb. You sent them by ferry! From Saint Kilda?

Our parrot guided them to Geelong, says Gaius. And arranged for an albatross to meet them.

No kidding, says Barb. I have to say, none of this sounds plausible.

True, nonetheless, says Gaius. 

Fine, says Barb. I'll see what the aunties make of it. 

Except, adds Gaius, that although I described our parrot as a parrot, 'parrot' is his function, not his species. 

What are you saying? asks Barb.

He is an oystercatcher, says Gaius.

Why didn't you say so? asks Barb.

I should have, says Gaius. So as not to confuse you.

Mm, says Barb. Well, I'll go and see if I can find the aunties. They often drink tea in the bird hide.

Then I'll call you back later, says Gaius. 

You do that, says Barb.

The call ends

Dear me, says Gaius.

What has happened? asks Captain Baudin.

Du Fresne has been taken by some aunties, says Gaius. 

Baudin is alarmed. He moves to the other side of the dinghy.

And attempts to get through to Du Fresne.

Crackle crackle slurp crackle crunck phee!

There seems to be some interference.

The Nice Little Girl

Where have you been? asks Baudin.

Delivering a message to Terence's duck, says Roo-kai.

Did he like it? asks Terence. Did he answer?

He asked what the dinghy was made of, says Roo-kai. And when I told him, he said he hoped you wouldn't come to his rescue.

The prickles! says Baudin.

Yes, says Roo-kai. In fact he sent Terence a message.

What is it? asks Terence.

Ditch the prickles, says Roo-kai.

Why did he care? asks Terence. 

Empathy, says Roo-kai. Something you lack.

Ho ho! laughs Captain Baudin. What type of duck is it? 

He's called Waca, says Terence. And he used to have wheels and a brother.

A wooden duck, says Roo-kai. Terence left him at Saint Kilda, half-buried in sand.

What had he done to deserve it? asks Baudin.

Nothing, says Terence. 

And he's resigned to his fate? asks Baudin.

I thought so, says Roo-kai, but it seems he has hopes that someone will find him and want him.

Who? asks Terence.

A random person, says Roo-kai. Perhaps a nice little girl.

Terence adds another prickle to his dinghy, even though he had said it was finished.

No one says anything.

But they are all thinking about the nice little girl.

At last! Here comes Gaius.

Sorry I took so long, says Gaius. It takes time to recharge a phone. What has happened in my absence?

I made a dinghy, says Terence. 

Gaius looks at the dinghy.

Are you going to get in it? asks Gaius.

No, says Terence. It's for Captain Baudin.

I see, says Gaius.

He could pursue this. Why the prickles? etcetera. But there are more pressing tasks.

He turns to Baudin. 

What was that number again, for the Friends of Melaleuca? 

Baudin gives him the number.

Gaius calls it. Someone answers.

Hello, This is Barb. How may I help you?

Hello, this is Gaius Plinius Secundus, calling to put in a good word for Captain Du Fresne.

The lobster who made off with the Needwonneee paperbark canoe? says Barb. You should have called sooner. I'm afraid you're too late.

And See Me And Want Me

Back again? says Waca.

Yes, says Roo-kai. Terence has sent you a message.

What is it? asks Waca.

He's building a dinghy, says Roo-kai.

What with? asks Waca.

Sticks and prickles, samphire, a few pebbles, says Roo-kai.

What's on top? asks Waca.

The prickles, says Roo-kai.

I hope he's not thinking of coming to my rescue, says Waca.

He is and he isn't, says Roo-kai.

Meaning? says Waca. 

Meaning he was but he isn't, says Roo-kai. 

That's okay, says Waca. Does he know I'm resigned to my fate?

I did mention it, says Waca. Is that still the case?

Yes, says Waca. Of course my fate may turn out to be unexpected.

As fates often do, says Roo-kai.

Someone may come along, says Waca.

At any time, says Roo-kai.

And see me and want me, says Waca.

Sure, says Roo-kai. That could easily happen.  

You've been a good friend, says Waca.

Got a mesage for Terence? asks Roo-kai.

Ditch the prickles, says Waca. 

Roo-kai laughs and flies off, back to Terence.

Baudin has joined Terence.

He is inspecting the dinghy.

This is the world's worst dinghy, says Baudin. And you are the world's worst ship's boy.

You haven't tried it, says Terence. Get in.

There are prickles on top, says Baudin. Do you think I am stupid?

You're a lobster, says Terence. You won't even feel them.

Irrelevant, says Baudin. What is the point of these prickles?

Terence is about to explain the point of the prickles, when Roo-kai lands next to the dinghy.

Fine Cracks In His Head

No point feeling bad about Waca, says Roo-kai.

But I forgot him, says Terence. And you said he was sad.

I said he was resigned to his fate, says Roo-kai. 

What IS his fate? asks Terence.

You tell me, says Roo-kai.

Terence thinks about the fate that awaits Waca.

The tide will come in. 

He'll get washed away, says Terence.

He's in very soft sand, says Roo-kai. Far from the water.

So why doesn't he dig himself out? asks Terence.

He can't, says Roo-kai. Remember what he's made of?

Wood, says Terence. 

He'll soon become weathered, says Roo-kai. His paint will fade and his surface will lose its lustre. Fine cracks will appear in his head.

Wah! cries Terence.

Shall I take him a message? asks Roo-kai.

Yes, says Terence. Take him a message.

Roo-kai waits for Terence to come up with a message.

Terence continues building his dinghy. 

That dinghy's not going anywhere, says Roo-kai.

It's pretend. says Terence.

So, what's the message? asks Roo-kai.

Is it my message? asks Terence. I thought it was yours.

No it's your message, says Roo-kai. What should I tell Waca?

Tell him I'm building a dinghy, says Terence.

He'll like that, says Roo-kai. But he might get the wrong idea.

What idea? asks Terence.

That you're coming to the rescue, says Roo-kai.

That's a good idea, says Terence. Tell him I'm coming to the rescue.

But you're not, says Roo-kai.

Don't tell him that part, says Terence.

Roo-kai nods and flies off. 

He might have to work on that message.