Everyone is on the bus back to Adelaide.
Gaius is sitting next to Violetta, with the Twitcher on his lap.
That was most satisfactory, says Gaius. We have contributed to the welfare of the cuttlefish, made some new friends, and I'm to be funded to Turkey.
Thanks to the Twitcher, says Violetta, tapping the side of the aquarium.
Twitcher sways gracefully in his salt water. Some salt water slops out.
Keep still, Twitcher, says Gaius. You're wetting my pants. You will have to behave yourself. It's a long way to Turkey.
And my lady love, says the Twitcher.
Ha ha, says Violetta. Is that what you call her? How quaint.
She has many names, says the Twitcher. The Golden Cuttlebox.....
No no, says Gaius. That's not right. Anyway I have something to tell you. You had better brace up.
What? says the Twitcher, expectantly.
We are going to Turkey, says Gaius. But we are not going to Kas. We are going to Pamukkale, and the famed Gate of Hell.
The Twitcher turns pale.
Gaius! says Violetta. Did you put that in your grant application?
Not exactly, says Gaius. I was obliged to be circumspect.
Circumspect, says Violetta. That means you lied.
I'm going to Kas, says the Twitcher. No matter what. My brother Ageless will take me.
Did my brother call me? says Ageless, from across the aisle.
No he didn't, says Gaius. There is no problem.
We're splitting, says the Twitcher. Put me next to Ageless my brother.
Go on, says Violetta. Put him down over there. Then he won't splash your pants.
Gaius reluctantly repositions the Twitcher next to Ageless.
He waves his hands over his trousers, back and forth, back and forth.
This is hardly ideal. His pants are not drying.
And Twitcher is showing some spunk.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
The Ingenuity of Women
Ouvert is still on the beach near the Wallaroo jetty. He has been there all afternoon, and all evening. He is waiting for Arthur to come back.
While he waits he whistles with one mouth and hums with the other.
The Wallaroo pebbles are irritated.
Shut up! say the Wallaroo pebbles.
Ouvert shuts up. What's happened to old fashioned pebble camaraderie?
After ten minutes he starts whistling again.
..........
Lavender isn't worried.
He'll be in Arthur's pocket, says Lavender. He'll be sleeping.
No, says Baby Pierre. We were in Arthur's pocket, remember? With the Twitcher. Ouvert wasn't there then.
Arthur has two pockets, says Lavender confidently.
ARTHUR! she calls. Where is Ouvert?
Arthur feels in his pocket. Ugh. It's still inky and slimy.
He feels in the other one.
His finger penetrates something mushy. But it's only a cucumber end, not Ouvert.
Lost him. says Arthur. Never mind, he'll turn up.
We keep losing them, says Bunny. We're not very reliable.
Don't tell Gaius, says Arthur. He thinks we are.
......
Gaius is learning all about Quillos, from the Mayor's wife.
He is fascinated by the ingenuity of women.
.........
Wouldn't it be nice if we could just skip to the next morning.
Not worry about where everyone is going to sleep.......and how Ouvert is to be found.
Let's do it.
.........
Next morning, everyone assembles at the Rotunda.
Gaius, who has already filled in his grant application in the Mayor's office.
The Twitcher, in his new portable saltwater aquarium.
Arthur and Bunny, who have slept on the beach, with Ouvert, who has been found, whistling.
Violetta, Ageless, Lavender and Baby Pierre, who have slept in the Rotunda.
And Victor, to ensure they all leave.
While he waits he whistles with one mouth and hums with the other.
The Wallaroo pebbles are irritated.
Shut up! say the Wallaroo pebbles.
Ouvert shuts up. What's happened to old fashioned pebble camaraderie?
After ten minutes he starts whistling again.
..........
Lavender isn't worried.
He'll be in Arthur's pocket, says Lavender. He'll be sleeping.
No, says Baby Pierre. We were in Arthur's pocket, remember? With the Twitcher. Ouvert wasn't there then.
Arthur has two pockets, says Lavender confidently.
ARTHUR! she calls. Where is Ouvert?
Arthur feels in his pocket. Ugh. It's still inky and slimy.
He feels in the other one.
His finger penetrates something mushy. But it's only a cucumber end, not Ouvert.
Lost him. says Arthur. Never mind, he'll turn up.
We keep losing them, says Bunny. We're not very reliable.
Don't tell Gaius, says Arthur. He thinks we are.
......
Gaius is learning all about Quillos, from the Mayor's wife.
He is fascinated by the ingenuity of women.
.........
Wouldn't it be nice if we could just skip to the next morning.
Not worry about where everyone is going to sleep.......and how Ouvert is to be found.
Let's do it.
.........
Next morning, everyone assembles at the Rotunda.
Gaius, who has already filled in his grant application in the Mayor's office.
The Twitcher, in his new portable saltwater aquarium.
Arthur and Bunny, who have slept on the beach, with Ouvert, who has been found, whistling.
Violetta, Ageless, Lavender and Baby Pierre, who have slept in the Rotunda.
And Victor, to ensure they all leave.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Trouble If Salt Is Not Salt
Uhh-huh! Uhh-huh!
Violetta comes over.
It's hyper-ventilating, says Violetta. Why's everyone standing around?
She picks up the Twitcher and drops him into the bucket.
Blub, blub, says the Twitcher, as he sinks to the bottom. Help! It's the wrong sort of salt!
Salt is salt, says Violetta. Like ink is ink.
The Twitcher rises again.
There I disagree, says the Twitcher. Is paint paint?
Good point, says Violetta. It will be fun going to Turkey with you.
Are you coming too? says the Twitcher. This is going to be costly. How is the fundraising going?
I can always find money, says Violetta. Sell a signed print or something. I can pay for myself. And Gaius is getting a grant. But I foresee trouble......
Twitcher sinks to the bottom again, without hearing the rest of the answer.
Arthur is sitting in the shadows on a low wall with Bunny.
Did you hear that, Arthur? says Bunny.
What? says Arthur. Violetta sees trouble? Tell me something I don't know. Do you want to go?
Go? says Bunny. To Turkey? Yes I do.
Where exactly? says Arthur. To Kas with the cuttlefish, or to Gaius's Gate of Hell?
I hadn't thought, says Bunny. Both, I guess. Are they close?
No, says Arthur. Nowhere near.
Gaius is talking to the Copper Coast Mayor, about funding.
Of course, says the Mayor, it's just a formality, but you'll need to fill out an application. Come to my office tomorrow.
Certainly, says Gaius. This is most unexpectedly generous. And the Wallaroo ladies are generous. Tell me, what is a Quillo?
A Quillo? says the Copper Coast Mayor. I don't know. It is something they make, I believe. I could ask my wife. Darling! Come here for a minute.
The Mayor's wife comes across.
Darling, says the Mayor, you will know this. Our guest wants to know about Quillos.
Meanwhile Lavender and Baby Pierre are sitting on another low wall in the shadows, discussing the forthcoming trip.
I'm going with Arthur, says Lavender. But only if he washes his shorts.
Me too, says Baby Pierre, I'm not going with Bunny.
But she has that book, says Lavender. Remember? About miracles and statues and things? It was so lovely sitting with her.
Baby Pierre does remember. Yes it was lovely, the three of them, sitting on the bus with Bunny, reading Lourdes. There was him, there was Lavender, there was .......OUVERT!
Lavender! cries Baby Pierre. Ouvert has gone MISSING!
Violetta comes over.
It's hyper-ventilating, says Violetta. Why's everyone standing around?
She picks up the Twitcher and drops him into the bucket.
Blub, blub, says the Twitcher, as he sinks to the bottom. Help! It's the wrong sort of salt!
Salt is salt, says Violetta. Like ink is ink.
The Twitcher rises again.
There I disagree, says the Twitcher. Is paint paint?
Good point, says Violetta. It will be fun going to Turkey with you.
Are you coming too? says the Twitcher. This is going to be costly. How is the fundraising going?
I can always find money, says Violetta. Sell a signed print or something. I can pay for myself. And Gaius is getting a grant. But I foresee trouble......
Twitcher sinks to the bottom again, without hearing the rest of the answer.
Arthur is sitting in the shadows on a low wall with Bunny.
Did you hear that, Arthur? says Bunny.
What? says Arthur. Violetta sees trouble? Tell me something I don't know. Do you want to go?
Go? says Bunny. To Turkey? Yes I do.
Where exactly? says Arthur. To Kas with the cuttlefish, or to Gaius's Gate of Hell?
I hadn't thought, says Bunny. Both, I guess. Are they close?
No, says Arthur. Nowhere near.
Gaius is talking to the Copper Coast Mayor, about funding.
Of course, says the Mayor, it's just a formality, but you'll need to fill out an application. Come to my office tomorrow.
Certainly, says Gaius. This is most unexpectedly generous. And the Wallaroo ladies are generous. Tell me, what is a Quillo?
A Quillo? says the Copper Coast Mayor. I don't know. It is something they make, I believe. I could ask my wife. Darling! Come here for a minute.
The Mayor's wife comes across.
Darling, says the Mayor, you will know this. Our guest wants to know about Quillos.
Meanwhile Lavender and Baby Pierre are sitting on another low wall in the shadows, discussing the forthcoming trip.
I'm going with Arthur, says Lavender. But only if he washes his shorts.
Me too, says Baby Pierre, I'm not going with Bunny.
But she has that book, says Lavender. Remember? About miracles and statues and things? It was so lovely sitting with her.
Baby Pierre does remember. Yes it was lovely, the three of them, sitting on the bus with Bunny, reading Lourdes. There was him, there was Lavender, there was .......OUVERT!
Lavender! cries Baby Pierre. Ouvert has gone MISSING!
What Is Worse Than A Yes?
Now the death box is back at the police station, the Twitcher has nowhere to go.
He lies flat on the pavement in a puddle of inky brown water.
We can't leave him out in the air like this, says Bunny. He should be in water.
I should be in water, says Twitcher.
Brenda runs into the Town Hall and comes back with a kettle.
Careful, says Beverley. Check the water's not hot.
Brenda sticks her finger gingerly into the kettle.
Phew, says Brenda. Lucky you said that! It's hot.
She runs back inside the Town Hall with the kettle.
Ageless sidles up to the Twitcher.
Brother, says Ageless. Seeing that you are the new Chosen One.....
Brother? says the Twitcher. What do you mean?
You are about to be funded to Turkey, says Ageless. To swan over and see your beloved, all expenses paid. Far be it from me to be jealous....
Am I? says the Twitcher, not quite keeping up.
No, no, me, says Ageless. I'm not jealous.
Am I going to Turkey? says Twitcher.
Just then Brenda comes back with a kettle of cold water, a bucket and a packet of salt.
Oh, well done, Brenda, says Beverley. You even remembered the salt.
The Twitcher is lifted into the air.
Stop! cries Ageless. It's the wrong sort of salt!
Beverley returns Twitcher to the pavement, beside Ageless.
You need a minder, says Ageless. That's what I was saying. A minder who understands you, a fellow ....errr.... sea creature..... but one who has greater wisdom due to his considerable age.....
The wrong sort of salt, says the Twitcher. How come?
You are two steps behind me, says Ageless. But the answer is, it's not sea salt.
If I was two steps behind you, says Twitcher, I would be over there.
That's not what I meant, says Ageless. But never mind that now. What I am offering you is my protection on your free trip to Turkey. I can save you from well-meaning fools.
Uhh-huh, uhh-huh, uhh-huh, says the Twitcher.
Is that a yes? enquires Ageless.
Unfortunately, it isn't. It is something much worse.
He lies flat on the pavement in a puddle of inky brown water.
We can't leave him out in the air like this, says Bunny. He should be in water.
I should be in water, says Twitcher.
Brenda runs into the Town Hall and comes back with a kettle.
Careful, says Beverley. Check the water's not hot.
Brenda sticks her finger gingerly into the kettle.
Phew, says Brenda. Lucky you said that! It's hot.
She runs back inside the Town Hall with the kettle.
Ageless sidles up to the Twitcher.
Brother, says Ageless. Seeing that you are the new Chosen One.....
Brother? says the Twitcher. What do you mean?
You are about to be funded to Turkey, says Ageless. To swan over and see your beloved, all expenses paid. Far be it from me to be jealous....
Am I? says the Twitcher, not quite keeping up.
No, no, me, says Ageless. I'm not jealous.
Am I going to Turkey? says Twitcher.
Just then Brenda comes back with a kettle of cold water, a bucket and a packet of salt.
Oh, well done, Brenda, says Beverley. You even remembered the salt.
The Twitcher is lifted into the air.
Stop! cries Ageless. It's the wrong sort of salt!
Beverley returns Twitcher to the pavement, beside Ageless.
You need a minder, says Ageless. That's what I was saying. A minder who understands you, a fellow ....errr.... sea creature..... but one who has greater wisdom due to his considerable age.....
The wrong sort of salt, says the Twitcher. How come?
You are two steps behind me, says Ageless. But the answer is, it's not sea salt.
If I was two steps behind you, says Twitcher, I would be over there.
That's not what I meant, says Ageless. But never mind that now. What I am offering you is my protection on your free trip to Turkey. I can save you from well-meaning fools.
Uhh-huh, uhh-huh, uhh-huh, says the Twitcher.
Is that a yes? enquires Ageless.
Unfortunately, it isn't. It is something much worse.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Victim And Perpetrator
Sometimes victim and perpetrator have the same agenda.
Bunny and Victor struggle over the death box.
Twitcher falls out. Plop!
Haaah! breathes the Twitcher. I'm out!
His colour begins to return.
Victor seizes the box and bears it off to the police station.
The Godfather of Cuttlefish has been standing in the shadows admiring the artwork, but he steps forward now.
Oho! says the Godfather of Cuttlefish. What have we here? A lone cuttlefish.
He picks up the Twitcher.
I'm the last one alive of my kind, says the Twitcher. At least, here.
No, you're not, says the Godfather of Cuttlefish. Your numbers are down, and you're stuffed, but you ought to get back in the water and do your duty. Don't be another one of those losers who fail to turn up.
But the Twitcher has had a vision. He had it while in the death box, faking deafness for reasons unknown, while actually listening to Arthur.
I've had a vision, says the Twitcher.
Everyone gathers around.
What's his vision?
My vision, continues the Twitcher, is of a trancendentally beautiful cuttlefish, a female goddess, red and orange in hue. She stares back at me with wide soulful eyes and she desires only me, the Twitcher. She rests in the sand off the coast of Turkey, near a pleasure resort, at Kas. The grains of the sand are transparent, and glow like jewels, red and orange, to set off her perfect complexion. It is she and only she with whom I am destined to mate. Excuse me. It's true.
Everyone is transfixed and delighted.
Twitcher MUST go to Turkey!
They will do all they can to ensure that his beautiful vision comes true.
Bunny and Victor struggle over the death box.
Twitcher falls out. Plop!
Haaah! breathes the Twitcher. I'm out!
His colour begins to return.
Victor seizes the box and bears it off to the police station.
The Godfather of Cuttlefish has been standing in the shadows admiring the artwork, but he steps forward now.
Oho! says the Godfather of Cuttlefish. What have we here? A lone cuttlefish.
He picks up the Twitcher.
I'm the last one alive of my kind, says the Twitcher. At least, here.
No, you're not, says the Godfather of Cuttlefish. Your numbers are down, and you're stuffed, but you ought to get back in the water and do your duty. Don't be another one of those losers who fail to turn up.
But the Twitcher has had a vision. He had it while in the death box, faking deafness for reasons unknown, while actually listening to Arthur.
I've had a vision, says the Twitcher.
Everyone gathers around.
What's his vision?
My vision, continues the Twitcher, is of a trancendentally beautiful cuttlefish, a female goddess, red and orange in hue. She stares back at me with wide soulful eyes and she desires only me, the Twitcher. She rests in the sand off the coast of Turkey, near a pleasure resort, at Kas. The grains of the sand are transparent, and glow like jewels, red and orange, to set off her perfect complexion. It is she and only she with whom I am destined to mate. Excuse me. It's true.
Everyone is transfixed and delighted.
Twitcher MUST go to Turkey!
They will do all they can to ensure that his beautiful vision comes true.
The God In The Machine
Violetta has not left town yet. There's no bus until morning. Leaving her backpack under a bush behind the Rotunda, she heads back to join the crowd at the Town Hall.
Aha! Here comes our artist, says Gaius.
Jeez, Gaius, says Violetta. Shut the fuck up!
Are you the ARTIST? says Brenda. Oh, Splosh! I do think your artwork is wonderful! It sends such a powerful message about the plight of the cuttlefish. You've inspired our Quillo group to start fundraising at once!
Violetta scowls, and turns to leave, but the Copper Coast Mayor looms up.
Ah, Splosh! says the Copper Coast Mayor. So glad we've caught you before you leave for Turkey.
Turkey! says Violetta! looking at Gaius. So we're going?
Yes, yes, says Gaius. It's all being arranged. Thanks to you, and to our cuttlefish friend......
Gaius indicates the Twitcher in the death box.
Violetta stares into the death box.
A dead cuttlefish? says Violetta. That's your friend?
Dead? says Gaius. I hope not. That cuttlefish is our ticket to Turkey.
He bends down.
The Twitcher is motionless. Perhaps he is holding his breath.
Pohaaaaah! Foul air escapes from Twitcher.
Awww! says Violetta. It's not dead, but it's freakin' gone off!
Victor comes over.
That box is police property, says Victor. I'm hereby seizing it back. Stand clear.
Bunny runs forward and picks up the box and the Twitcher.
I won't let you! she cries.
It has all gone a bit cactus, at this point.
Who will save Twitcher?
Will he live to broaden the gene pool?
Who will fund the expedition to Turkey?
Is there a god in the machine?
Aha! Here comes our artist, says Gaius.
Jeez, Gaius, says Violetta. Shut the fuck up!
Are you the ARTIST? says Brenda. Oh, Splosh! I do think your artwork is wonderful! It sends such a powerful message about the plight of the cuttlefish. You've inspired our Quillo group to start fundraising at once!
Violetta scowls, and turns to leave, but the Copper Coast Mayor looms up.
Ah, Splosh! says the Copper Coast Mayor. So glad we've caught you before you leave for Turkey.
Turkey! says Violetta! looking at Gaius. So we're going?
Yes, yes, says Gaius. It's all being arranged. Thanks to you, and to our cuttlefish friend......
Gaius indicates the Twitcher in the death box.
Violetta stares into the death box.
A dead cuttlefish? says Violetta. That's your friend?
Dead? says Gaius. I hope not. That cuttlefish is our ticket to Turkey.
He bends down.
The Twitcher is motionless. Perhaps he is holding his breath.
Pohaaaaah! Foul air escapes from Twitcher.
Awww! says Violetta. It's not dead, but it's freakin' gone off!
Victor comes over.
That box is police property, says Victor. I'm hereby seizing it back. Stand clear.
Bunny runs forward and picks up the box and the Twitcher.
I won't let you! she cries.
It has all gone a bit cactus, at this point.
Who will save Twitcher?
Will he live to broaden the gene pool?
Who will fund the expedition to Turkey?
Is there a god in the machine?
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
How To Broaden The Gene Pool
I hear sobbing, says a Third Ager called Beverley.
Me too, says her friend Brenda. It's coming from that box.
Several Third Agers gather round the box to look in.
It's a cuttlefish! says Beverley. Outrageous! Who does this box belong to? You, young man? This is a No Take Area. Take that cuttlefish back to the sea right this minute!
She glowers at Arthur.
He won't go, says Arthur.
What nonsense, says Brenda. Cuttlefish can't have an opinion. So this is your box?
Madam, says Gaius. This box belongs to Victor, your policeman. It is a box for the storage of confiscated goods, as you see. It was stolen from the police station earlier, and found to be full of dead cuttlefish. These young people here rescued the only cuttlefish still showing signs of life. This one. They named him the Twitcher. He refuses to go back in the sea, as he fears he is the only one left of his kind. Therefore he has made up his mind to come with us to Turkey.
Beverley and Brenda and the other Third Agers are gobsmacked. But only for a moment.
How wonderful! says Beverley. Turkey!
She bends down to poke at the Twitcher.
Oooh! says the Twitcher. Am I in Turkey?
No sweetheart, says Beverley kindly, but you will be there soon. These kind people are taking you there.
Madam, if only that were so, says Gaius. But it is a matter of funding.
Funding! says Beverley, looking at Brenda.
Brenda nods sagely.
We country women, says Brenda, know all about funding. How much do you need?
Several thousands, says Gaius vaguely, but there is no need......
Yes there is! says Bunny. It would be amazing of you ladies to help us. Poor little Twitcher wants to go to Turkey so badly.
Why, as a matter of interest? asks Beverley.
Oh......, says Bunny
There are cuttlefish there, says Arthur. Special, orange and red ones. He wants to broaden the gene pool.
Arthur, says Gaius. I believe you are making that up.
Me too, says her friend Brenda. It's coming from that box.
Several Third Agers gather round the box to look in.
It's a cuttlefish! says Beverley. Outrageous! Who does this box belong to? You, young man? This is a No Take Area. Take that cuttlefish back to the sea right this minute!
She glowers at Arthur.
He won't go, says Arthur.
What nonsense, says Brenda. Cuttlefish can't have an opinion. So this is your box?
Madam, says Gaius. This box belongs to Victor, your policeman. It is a box for the storage of confiscated goods, as you see. It was stolen from the police station earlier, and found to be full of dead cuttlefish. These young people here rescued the only cuttlefish still showing signs of life. This one. They named him the Twitcher. He refuses to go back in the sea, as he fears he is the only one left of his kind. Therefore he has made up his mind to come with us to Turkey.
Beverley and Brenda and the other Third Agers are gobsmacked. But only for a moment.
How wonderful! says Beverley. Turkey!
She bends down to poke at the Twitcher.
Oooh! says the Twitcher. Am I in Turkey?
No sweetheart, says Beverley kindly, but you will be there soon. These kind people are taking you there.
Madam, if only that were so, says Gaius. But it is a matter of funding.
Funding! says Beverley, looking at Brenda.
Brenda nods sagely.
We country women, says Brenda, know all about funding. How much do you need?
Several thousands, says Gaius vaguely, but there is no need......
Yes there is! says Bunny. It would be amazing of you ladies to help us. Poor little Twitcher wants to go to Turkey so badly.
Why, as a matter of interest? asks Beverley.
Oh......, says Bunny
There are cuttlefish there, says Arthur. Special, orange and red ones. He wants to broaden the gene pool.
Arthur, says Gaius. I believe you are making that up.
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