Elite Riders Don't Lie

On his way to work, it occurs to Nerida's dad that he may have signed the permission form prematurely.

What about this chaperone? She may not agree to the venture.

She may have other plans.

She may even be non-existent.

Get a grip, says dad to himself.  Elite bike riders don't lie.

How true.

Arthur is at this moment calling Katherine.

Arthur! says Katherine. What a pleasant surprise! Did you find the rest of the diamonds?

No, says Arthur. I stopped looking.

Don't you have to return them? asks Katherine.

No, says Arthur. I don't actually have to.

I see, says Katherine. Oh well, I'm glad the play's over, aren't you?

Yes, says Arthur. That's why I'm calling. Are you busy in the next week or so?

Not really, says Katherine. 

That's good, says Arthur. How would you like a trip to Kroombit Tops?

Isn't that where Gaius is going? asks Katherine.

Yes, says Arthur, and he could use some extra help.

Frogs, isn't it, says Katherine. Not my favourite creature. 

It's not the frogs he wants help with, says Arthur. It's his work experience girl. She's only fifteen.

And he needs me to go as a chaperone! says Katherine. Is he paying?

No, says Arthur. He was hoping you'd pay for yourself.

Are YOU going? asks Katherine.

Probably, says Arthur. 

I know you, says Katherine. You'll leave him high and dry at some point.

So the work experience girl will be useful, says Arthur.

As would I, says Katherine. Let me think about it. When is he leaving?

Tomorrow, says Arthur. I'm about to book tickets. Yes or no?

What's she like? Have you met her? asks Katherine.

She wears friendship bracelets, says Arthur.

How sweet, says Katherine. That means she's a Swiftie.

How did you know? asks Arthur.

I'm not SO old, says Katherine. And does she like frogs?

She knows one or two things about them, says Arthur.

She sounds quite intelligent, says Katherine. We should get on well together.

Does that mean it's a yes, asks Arthur.

Yes, says Katherine. I'm always up for adventure. Well, maybe not always....there was that time I went to Kangaroo Island with Margaret...

But Arthur has ended the call, not wanting to hear her old tales.

What, Like Underpants?

Dad wants to meet you, says Nerida.

Of course he does, says Gaius. That can be arranged.

Great, says Nerida. When?

Tomorrow morning, says Gaius. Arthur will set up a meeting. But right now I must go home and pack.

That could be my job, says Nerida. Making sure you've got pencils and that.

Assuming you have the job, says Gaius, you will be responsible for a last minute check through my back pack. Or maybe not. It's just occurred to me that some of its contents are private.

What, like underpants? says Nerida.

Ahem, yes, things of that sort, says Gaius.

But they'll be clean at the start of the journey, says Nerida. It's coming home that you need to worry. 

I'm pleased to find you have a logical mind, says Gaius. Very well, I'll see you and your father tomorrow.

He heads for the exit to catch a bus home.

What's your dad like? asks Arthur. 

Pretty cool, says Nerida. I can usually get round him.

That's promising, says Arthur. 

Yeah, says Nerida. So where do we meet up tomorrow?

Cibo's in Norwood at eight, says Arthur.

See you tomorrow, says Nerida.

.......

The next morning, at eight.

Nerida and her dad are sitting at a table, with a coffee and a frappé. 

Looks like they're not coming, says Dad. Bad luck, kid.

They'll come, says Nerida. They're like, responsible people.

At ten past, Arthur arrives and sits down at their table.

Jeezus! says Dad. You're that guy from Team Condor!

I'm not the captain, says Arthur. 

Yeah yeah, not the captain That guy Sweezus is the captain. I didn't mean that when I ...

It's okay, says Arthur. Gaius'll be here in a minute.

Why didn't you tell me it was a guy from Team Condor? asks dad.

Because he's POET!, says Nerida. Wake up dad! This isn't about that.

No kid, sorry, says Dad. 

Gaius turns up.

Ah, there you all are, says Gaius. Shall we get on with the paperwork?

Not yet, says Dad. I need to know where you'll be going and what you'll be doing and who'll chaperone my fifteen year old daughter.

That is easy, says Gaius. Central Queensland, to look for endangered Kroombit Tinker Frogs. Your daughter will learn on the job.

Frogs, says Dad, I didn't think you liked frogs all that much.

I LOVE frogs, says Nerida. And there's all different kinds. Some of them are endangered because of loss of habitat, and a horrible fungus.

You surprise me! says Dad. This work experience could be just right for you. But what about the chaperone?

What kind of chaperone do you have in mind? asks Gaius. I'm not made of money.

An elderly lady, says Dad. Not too elderly. One that understands kids, and their ways.

Hum, says Gaius. And one that can pay for her flight. 

Katherine, says Arthur. Ask her. 

And who is Katherine? asks Dad.

Katherine Hume, the mother of David Hume who is a member of Team Philosophe, as I am myself on occasion, says Gaius.

Dad is convinced. He has done his due diligence on behalf of his daughter. 

Nerida produces the work experience form. Gaius signs. Dad signs. Nerida folds it up, stuffs it into her school bag....

and slurps up the rest of her frappé.

Suspicious Dad

I guess frogs are pretty cool, says Nerida.

And you are? asks Gaius.

Nerida, says Nerida. Me and Arthur hooked up in the craft shop.

Temporarily, says Arthur. 

Of course, says Gaius. Arthur will henceforth be busy.

What doing? asks Arthur.

Booking our tickets, says Gaius. Making sure I have pencils.

Do you need a work experience person? asks Nerida. 

What is a work experience person? asks Gaius. 

A year nine kid who wants to try out a job to see if they like it. says Nerida. You get a week off school and all that.

No, he doesn't need one, says Arthur, seeing where this is going.

I could help with the pencils, says Nerida. 

That is only one task, says Gaius. Or two. A sharpener always comes in useful.

And a knife, says Arthur. In case of emergencies.

What about paper? asks Nerida.

I take good care of my notebooks, says Gaius.

But they sometimes get out of order, says Arthur. Remember how you lost the orange-bellied parrot illustration?

I know heaps about parrots, says Nerida. 

We are currently concerned about endangered frogs, not parrots, says Gaius. But yes, I do sometimes lose pages.

Maybe you should invest in a stapler, says Nerida.

There's a thought, says Gaius. Arthur, make sure we have pencils and stapler!

Arthur is coming round to the idea of Gaius having a work experience person.

He sees himself obtaining the tickets and seeing the two of them off.

Leaving him free to join them later, or not, or whatever.

I guess she'd be an asset, says Arthur. She thinks about staplers, and she likes frogs.

I'll ask my dad, says Nerida, getting her phone out, and speed-dialing her dad.

Where ARE you? asks her father.

At the Fringe, says Nerida. And I met these awesome guys. One's a poet and the other one's a frog expert, actually he's a parrot expert as well, but he's a bit careless and anyhow he needs a work experience person, and I offered  because I haven't found a placement yet and please dad can I ask him to fill in the forms?... What?.... Dad! ....How come you're always so suspicious....?

His Charmed Life

The audience is pouring out of the Piglet.

I guess it's finished, says Nerida. But how come there were little kids there?

Friends of Hedley, says Arthur. He's a kid, so his friends came with their mothers.

You said it was intellectual, says Nerida.

It was once, says Arthur.

Ha ha! laughs someone in passing. That was so funny!

The puppets! laughs someone else. So unexpected.

They always do something new with Candide, says a third person. And apparently they pick excerpts at random.

Another audience member stops and stares hard at Arthur.

Weren't you in it last year?

Possibly, says Arthur.

I remember you! says the audience member. You had that wig on, and were giving out seeds. Why didn't you give out seeds this year?

Last year's seeds were donated, says Arthur. 

Are they the diamonds from the show? asks the audience member. Can I take one?

He can't let you have one, says Nerida. Half of them are already missing.

Bad luck, says the audience member. Should've stuck with free seeds.

Good advice, says Arthur.

Iris comes by.

That went well, says Iris. Oh, you've lost half the diamonds!

He's not taking them back, says Nerida.

What about that video you made of him removing them from the craft shop? asks Iris.

I deleted it, says Nerida. In exchange for a poem.

It seems Arthur lives a charmed life, says Iris. By the way, Arthur, Gaius is looking for you.

Is he? says Arthur.

He is about to slope off, when Gaius appears in his street clothes.

Arthur! says Gaius. Just the chap I was looking for. 

Why? asks Arthur.

There is nothing now holding us back from travelling to Central Queensland, to look for Kroombit Tinker Frogs, says Gaius.

Wow! says Nerida.

You have an interest in frogs? asks Gaius.

Kind of, says Nerida. If HE does.

She indicates Arthur.

Arthur tries to look like someone who might have an interest frogs.

Won't Ever Come Down

 I should have liked to show you the sunfish, says Arthur, the fish of gold...

I thought I was a swift in this poem, says Nerida.

SHOULD have, says Arthur. Meaning I couldn't, because you're a swift.

Poetry is heaps complex, says Nerida.

That's right, says Arthur. If it wasn't, it would be more like talking.

Was that the whole poem? asks Nerida.

No, says Arthur. I can always keep going.

Go on then, says Nerida. But go from the beginning, so I can record it.

Okay, says Arthur.

I should have liked to show you the sunfish of the blue wave, the fish of gold, the singing fish, says Arthur.

You didn't mention the blue wave the first time, says Nerida.

It's a work in progress, says Arthur.

Does it ever stop being about fish? asks Nerida. 

....but you, above the foam of flowers, drifting on the ineffable winds, continues Arthur.

Nice, says Nerida, because I'm a swift, so you can't show me the fish because I'm flying so high up and won't ever come down.

You preempted the ending, says Arthur.

Which is? asks Nerida.

....won't ever come down, says Arthur.

That's kind of abrupt, says Nerida, But I love it. Can I post it on Insta and Tik Tok?

All right, says Arthur, if you delete the video of me walking out of the craft shop with the diamonds.

Deal, says Nerida. You can watch me do it.

She does it. 

It's deleted.

Now Arthur expects her to go, but it seems she has nothing else to do, so she doesn't.

I Should Have Liked To Show You

Last but not least, says Vello, our invaluable stage hands!

More clapping.

Hedley's mother comes on, in the black hooded costume.

Katherine follows, holding Kobo.

Any more questions? asks Vello.

Yes, says someone. Are you giving out free seeds?

Not this year, says Vello. 

And we heard there was going to be an appearance of someone famous, says a woman.

Several of us fit that category, says Vello. You may not be aware, but the abbé was played by Gaius Plinius Secundus, the well known natural historian.

Gaius looks embarrassed.

What happened to Costa? asks another person.

You'll have to ask Arthur, says Vello.

He looks around for Arthur, but Arthur has gone off.

He is round the back of the Piglet, with the half  jar of diamonds, waiting for his young teenage friend.

Here she is, wearing her bracelets.

I never told you my name, says the teenager.

Too late now, says Arthur.

It's ...why? asks the teenager.

I gave you a name, says Arthur. Ariel.

Fuck that, says Ariel. My name's Nerida.

Told you it was too late, says Arthur.

But not why, says Nerida.

Because of the poem, says Arthur. 

O yay! says Nerida. You've actually done it?

I was doing it, says Arthur. But I'm in charge of the diamonds as well. And things went pear-shaped, thanks to a certain cast member who threw them at the audience, and we didn't get half of them back.

Shit, you're screwed now, says Nerida.

Not necessarily, says Arthur. I just won't return them.

So did you finish my poem? asks Nerida.

As far as, says Arthur. And I called you Ariel.

Cos why? asks Nerida.

The bracelet you gave me, says Arthur. The letters on the beads. I guessed you loved birds.

Birds, says Nerida. On the bracelet? Which one did I give you?

This one, says Arthur, showing her the one that she gave him.

That's not a BIRD, says Nerida. That's Tay-Tay's last name .

A swift is a bird, says Arthur. It spends most of its life in the air. It even sleeps flying. 

Cool, says Nerida. Tell it to me.

Arthur has only come up with one line so far: Ariel I should have liked to show you....

 He will need to think quick.

Half Full

Vello returns to the stage, amidst clapping.

We shall now have a short Q and A , says Vello. Feel free to leave if you wish, but please return any diamonds you may have picked up. They are only on loan.

Arthur appears with the jar. 

One or two audience members approach him and drop diamonds in it.

Come on! says Vello. There were many more diamonds than that!

Terence comes back on stage, with Greedy.

The audience, most of whom have remained, begin clapping again.

Give us that song again! cries someone.

Not allowed to, says Terence.

You are allowed to, says Vello, but not to throw diamonds.

Bondoo! Bondoo! the audience is chanting.

Vello hushes them down.

All in good time, says Vello. Let me bring on the rest of the cast. First Sweezus, who played the part of Candide.

Sweezus comes on stage and sits down at the edge.

Pop. Pop. Sounds of breaking stitches.

Tight costume? asks someone.

Yeah, right, says Sweezus. Can't wait to get out of it.

Get it off! cry one or two people.

And now, the Marchioness! says Vello. 

Belle sashays on, and sits beside Sweezus.

I thought she was Cunégonde, says one of the friend's of Hedley's mother.

Then you missed the point of the deception, says Vello. 

It's understandable, says Belle. I was Cunégonde last year, and I wore the same dress.

David and Gaius come on stage, with Hedley.

Loud cheering.

Three popular characters, says Vello. Any questions for them?

Sing Bondoo! cry the audience .

There is nothing for it, it seems.

They must all sing Bondoo. Luckliy there is not much to it.

Bondoo! Bondoo! Imagible doo! 

Diamonds make everyone honest. These are for you.

The audience joins in. Bondoo! Bondoo!

It's less fun without diamonds.

But then! A few audience members start throwing their diamonds.

Arthur picks them up.

Now the jar is half full.