Cross-Cultural Faux Pas

Lu Ban meets Premier Jay Weatherill, outside Ding Hao on Gouger Street.

Come in, says the Premier. I've booked us a table near the window.

All the diners stand up in alarm at the sight of Lu Ban, who has brought Olive Python.

The Premier flaps his hands at the diners. It's all right, people, he says. This gentleman is my honoured guest from China and the python is no doubt a very good replica. Please, carry on as you were.

The diners sit down at their various tables, glancing anxiously at the Python draped round Lu Ban's shoulders.

So pleased you could come, Mr Lu, says the Premier. I've heard so much about you from President Xi Jinping's people. I'm hoping.......

Replica! says Olive Python. Does that mean what I think it means?

Pardon? says Premier Weatherill.

A copy, says Lu Ban to Olive Python. He thinks you're a manufactured copy. Perhaps it would be as well to continue to allow him to think so.

Ha ha, laughs Jay Weatherill nervously. Shall we order?

I've spoiled my dinner, says Lu Ban. I have eaten two ducks in a fit of  ill-temper. You go ahead.

The Premier orders Sang Chow Bow for a starter. Lettuce Bun.

Olive Python unwinds herself from Lu Ban's shoulders and brings her head close to the starter.

Attention! Attention! says Olive Python. There's another entity here at this table. And it's hungry for fruit bats.

It's realistic, your python, says Premier Weatherill, biting into his bun. Are you sure you won't try this, Lu Ban?

Let me see the menu, says Lu Ban, grabbing one from a neighbouring table. Fruit bats, fruit bats.......no, no fruit bats.

Ha ha, laughs Jay Weatherill. Fruit bats.  Do you eat them in China?

Do you think we are horses ? says Lu Ban.

The premier is confused. Has he made a cross-cultural faux pas?

He ploughs on however.

Chicken feet in white sauce, he says playfully. That's a good choice if you're full.

I'm not FULL, says Olive Python. Lu Ban, if your friend doesn't acknowledge me in the next second I'll wind myself round his skinny little waist and squeeze till his lettuce bun comes out at both ends. Tell him that!

Hush, says Lu Ban. You're disturbing my meeting with the Premier. We were talking about President Xi.

Yes, President Xi, says Jay Weatherill. Any chance he might throw some sort of manufacturing contract our way? We're at a loose end since losing Holden.

Manufacturing?  says Lu Ban. Perhaps we could talk. I have several blueprints. A Wooden Bird, a Cloud Ladder, a Dragon Bicycle.......but that's under wraps till after I win the Tour.....

The Premier's eyes are getting wider and wider, but not due to the list.

Nor to the bumptious presumption.

He is quite used to lists, and to bumptious presumptions.

But not to what Olive is doing.