Katherine is packing.
Olive Python is watching.
What does she need so many things for? And some of them are wrapped in pretty paper.
Tch! Tch! says Katherine. I'm already up to my seven kilos. How much do you weigh, Olive dear?
Depends, says Olive Python. On what I've eaten.
Of course it does, says Katherine. I won't give you anything to eat until we get to Blaxland.
This may turn out to be a very bad idea.
.........
David is driving Katherine to the airport.
I do wish you were coming David, dear, says Katherine. The children would love to see you.
What a shame I can't, says David, blandly. Do wish Butterfly a happy birthday from Uncle David. By the way, here's a little present for her. I trust you have some room in that huge handbag?
Hmm, says Katherine. How heavy is it?
David produces a hefty book of classic stories about ponies.
Katherine does a mental calculation.
All right dear, says Katherine. Don't say I'm not obliging. But I shall have to ditch my library book.
I could pop it in the post, says David.
No, no, says Katherine. Your book can go in here with Olive Python. But would you mind dropping The Pickwick Papers back at home.
You're reading Dickens! says David. Ha ha! How old fashioned.
It's not old fashioned, says Katherine. It's very funny. And there is the added interest of the social history. Here it is. Perhaps you might enjoy it. There are characters in it that remind me uncannily of you.
David is piqued by this suggestion. He grabs The Pickwick Papers from his mother, and shoves it in his empty glove box, hardly noticing that it's a little damp.
I don't know what I'll read now, sighs Katherine. I have no interest in ponies. Do you have anything else on you, by any chance? A slim volume....?
Do you know, says David, I think I may have something Vello gave me. I started it, but found it incomprehensible. I wonder if it's on the back seat there.....?
He turns his head to look.
David! Be careful! cries Katherine. I shall look. Oh, is this it? Paris Spleen, by Beaudelaire? What a lovely title. May I borrow it?
With pleasure mother, says David. But don't expect to like it.
Katherine drops the slim volume into her giant floral handbag, on top of Olive Python, and the pony book.
Olive Python stops chewing. What's this? Yum. Beaudelaire.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
Giant Floral Handbag
No one wants to take Olive Python back to the Pilbara.
I have to go home to Germany, says Andre Greipel.
I must return to China, says Lu Ban. To take up tennis.
I'm going home to Edinburgh, says Rosamunda. I need to earn some money.
School starts tomorrow, says Janice. Not that I want to go. It's heaps scary. I'll be in Year Nine.
Everyone looks at Arthur.
Not me, says Arthur. I'm going down the coast with Sweezus in the pop up food van.
Then, says Olive Python, I shall make my own way.
She heads off in a northerly direction.
Shouldn't she be going west? says Rosamunda.
Search me, says Andre Greipel. I don't know this country.
North west, says Lu Ban, but it hardly matters.
Arthur has turned away. Yes, it hardly matters. You can die anywhere.
Olive Python has slowed down already. She can't believe that no one really cares.
She sees Gaius in the distance, talking to David and Vello, and an older lady.
Gaius will help her! She slithers across the road towards him, without looking to see if any cars are coming.
Luckily, no cars are coming. The road is still blocked off to normal traffic.
Olive Python! says Gaius. Have you come to say goodbye?
Not at all, says Olive Python. I've come to ask you to take me to the Pilbara. You are my final hope. Lu Ban won't take me.
Tch! says Gaius. I thought he wouldn't.
What's this? says David. Wasn't it you who organised the Pilbara expedition? I should say this little snake is your responsibility.
Should you indeed! says Gaius. It was Lu Ban, not I, who pilfered her.
What a beautiful python! says the older lady, who is none other than David's mother, Katherine Hume.
Olive preens a little, and curls herself around the stout ankles of Katherine.
Oh, Snicky-Snicky, is it fond of me already? coos Katherine, chucking Olive under where her chin would be, if she should have one.
Snicky-Snicky, mother? says David. Must you be ridiculous?
My name is Olive, says Olive Python.
Oh, it speaks. And its dear little name is Olive, says Katherine. Doesn't it have anywhere to go?
The Pilbara, says Olive Python, but no one will take me.
Dear Olive, says Katherine, I can't take you to the Pilbara, but you must come with me to Blaxland. I'm flying there on Thursday to pay a visit to my grandchildren, Butterfly and Fish. They will adore you.
There's a fine offer, Olive, says Gaius. I suggest you take it up. There will be fruit bats.
Olive Python does not need further encouragement. She climbs up into Katherine's giant floral handbag, and falls asleep.
I have to go home to Germany, says Andre Greipel.
I must return to China, says Lu Ban. To take up tennis.
I'm going home to Edinburgh, says Rosamunda. I need to earn some money.
School starts tomorrow, says Janice. Not that I want to go. It's heaps scary. I'll be in Year Nine.
Everyone looks at Arthur.
Not me, says Arthur. I'm going down the coast with Sweezus in the pop up food van.
Then, says Olive Python, I shall make my own way.
She heads off in a northerly direction.
Shouldn't she be going west? says Rosamunda.
Search me, says Andre Greipel. I don't know this country.
North west, says Lu Ban, but it hardly matters.
Arthur has turned away. Yes, it hardly matters. You can die anywhere.
Olive Python has slowed down already. She can't believe that no one really cares.
She sees Gaius in the distance, talking to David and Vello, and an older lady.
Gaius will help her! She slithers across the road towards him, without looking to see if any cars are coming.
Luckily, no cars are coming. The road is still blocked off to normal traffic.
Olive Python! says Gaius. Have you come to say goodbye?
Not at all, says Olive Python. I've come to ask you to take me to the Pilbara. You are my final hope. Lu Ban won't take me.
Tch! says Gaius. I thought he wouldn't.
What's this? says David. Wasn't it you who organised the Pilbara expedition? I should say this little snake is your responsibility.
Should you indeed! says Gaius. It was Lu Ban, not I, who pilfered her.
What a beautiful python! says the older lady, who is none other than David's mother, Katherine Hume.
Olive preens a little, and curls herself around the stout ankles of Katherine.
Oh, Snicky-Snicky, is it fond of me already? coos Katherine, chucking Olive under where her chin would be, if she should have one.
Snicky-Snicky, mother? says David. Must you be ridiculous?
My name is Olive, says Olive Python.
Oh, it speaks. And its dear little name is Olive, says Katherine. Doesn't it have anywhere to go?
The Pilbara, says Olive Python, but no one will take me.
Dear Olive, says Katherine, I can't take you to the Pilbara, but you must come with me to Blaxland. I'm flying there on Thursday to pay a visit to my grandchildren, Butterfly and Fish. They will adore you.
There's a fine offer, Olive, says Gaius. I suggest you take it up. There will be fruit bats.
Olive Python does not need further encouragement. She climbs up into Katherine's giant floral handbag, and falls asleep.
Stage Six: Adelaide Street Circuit - Aftermath
Stage Six, the Adelaide Street Circuit, is over. Andre Greipel has won the stage, Simon Gerrans has won the Tour Down Under.
That's that, says Cadel Evans, bidding farewell to Lu Ban, with whom he has made friends. We can't all be winners. And by the way, that's an excellent hairstyle.
Thank you, says Lu Ban. This way, no one will know me when I first return to China.
Lost face, you reckon? says Cadel Evans, sympathetically. Well, it's good that Li Na won the tennis.
Tennis? says Lu Ban. But she is a woman. I may take up tennis. I once drew up some blueprints for a Dragon racket.
Good on you, says Cadel. And you designed this Dragon bicycle, I hear. Pity about what happened. Where is Olive Python by the way?
I hardly like to tell you, says Lu Ban, since you were so kind as to provide her with those fruit bats.
No trouble at all, says Cadel Evans. But go on, tell me.
She's wedged inside the cross bar of the Dragon, says Lu Ban.
Cadel looks closer at the cross bar of the Dragon. Yes, there is Olive Python wedged inside. Her sides are heaving and she is growing paler by the minute.
Cadel is moved. She looks most uncomfortable. He smiles encouragingly at Olive Python, in her prison, and makes flying fruit bat motions with his elbows, before wheeling his bike away to rejoin his team.
Rosamunda comes up, with Janice.
Lu Ban, says Rosamunda. We must get Olive out of there. Janice has an idea.
Cut open the cross bar, says Janice. I can do it. I'll get Dad's snippers.
You will not do it, says Lu Ban, eyes flashing. The python stays in there. I blame her for everything. She has not been lucky.
Come away, Janice, says Rosamunda. He's in a bad mood.
But..... poor Olive, says Janice. She can't breathe in there. Let's get Gaius. He'll know what to do.
He won't, says Rosamunda. But I know who will. Where's Arthur?
She and Janice go off to look for Arthur.
Lu Ban feels sudden urge to go to the toilet. He props the Dragon against a bollard and strides off.
Andre Greipel is just passing, chuffed with himself and his recent Stage Six win.
Ah! says Andre Greipel. The Dragon is unattended. Hmmm. Scheise!! That snake is trapped inside!
Andre Greipel cannot stand by and watch Olive expiring. It is like when someone leaves a baby locked up in a car. One must act to free it, if one is a good German.
Andre Greipel brings his fist down on the cross bar. It breaks.
Olive Python tumbles out onto the footpath, just as Lu Ban comes back, followed by Rosamunda, Arthur, and Janice, with a pair of her dad's snippers,
That's the last Street Circuit I ever do! says Olive Python, crossly. I'm going. Someone must take me home.
Home! But that is in the Pilbara! Who will do it?
That's that, says Cadel Evans, bidding farewell to Lu Ban, with whom he has made friends. We can't all be winners. And by the way, that's an excellent hairstyle.
Thank you, says Lu Ban. This way, no one will know me when I first return to China.
Lost face, you reckon? says Cadel Evans, sympathetically. Well, it's good that Li Na won the tennis.
Tennis? says Lu Ban. But she is a woman. I may take up tennis. I once drew up some blueprints for a Dragon racket.
Good on you, says Cadel. And you designed this Dragon bicycle, I hear. Pity about what happened. Where is Olive Python by the way?
I hardly like to tell you, says Lu Ban, since you were so kind as to provide her with those fruit bats.
No trouble at all, says Cadel Evans. But go on, tell me.
She's wedged inside the cross bar of the Dragon, says Lu Ban.
Cadel looks closer at the cross bar of the Dragon. Yes, there is Olive Python wedged inside. Her sides are heaving and she is growing paler by the minute.
Cadel is moved. She looks most uncomfortable. He smiles encouragingly at Olive Python, in her prison, and makes flying fruit bat motions with his elbows, before wheeling his bike away to rejoin his team.
Rosamunda comes up, with Janice.
Lu Ban, says Rosamunda. We must get Olive out of there. Janice has an idea.
Cut open the cross bar, says Janice. I can do it. I'll get Dad's snippers.
You will not do it, says Lu Ban, eyes flashing. The python stays in there. I blame her for everything. She has not been lucky.
Come away, Janice, says Rosamunda. He's in a bad mood.
But..... poor Olive, says Janice. She can't breathe in there. Let's get Gaius. He'll know what to do.
He won't, says Rosamunda. But I know who will. Where's Arthur?
She and Janice go off to look for Arthur.
Lu Ban feels sudden urge to go to the toilet. He props the Dragon against a bollard and strides off.
Andre Greipel is just passing, chuffed with himself and his recent Stage Six win.
Ah! says Andre Greipel. The Dragon is unattended. Hmmm. Scheise!! That snake is trapped inside!
Andre Greipel cannot stand by and watch Olive expiring. It is like when someone leaves a baby locked up in a car. One must act to free it, if one is a good German.
Andre Greipel brings his fist down on the cross bar. It breaks.
Olive Python tumbles out onto the footpath, just as Lu Ban comes back, followed by Rosamunda, Arthur, and Janice, with a pair of her dad's snippers,
That's the last Street Circuit I ever do! says Olive Python, crossly. I'm going. Someone must take me home.
Home! But that is in the Pilbara! Who will do it?
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Legends' Night Dinner - No Hard Feelings
It's the Legends' Night Dinner at the Adelaide Convention Centre. Two hundred and fifty dollars per head and a very nice dinner included. Sir Chris Hoy, Jens Voigt and Cadel Evans will recount tales from their remarkable cycling careers.
Vello and David are sitting with Arthur and Sweezus at a conspicuous table.
At the next table, Gaius and Lu Ban, with Olive Python draped round his shoulders.
Richie Porte comes over.
Hi guys, says Richie. Can I pat the snake?
Certainly, says Lu Ban. She has just eaten.
Good snake that one, says Richie. I won yesterday thanks to her.
Lu Ban looks startled.
Arthur pricks up his ears.
So what happened?
Richie is just about to explain how he won Stage Five thanks to Olive Python, when Sir Chris Hoy gets up to speak.
I was inspired to become a cyclist, says Sir Chris Hoy, as a very young lad after seeing the movie ET.
A ripple of laughter runs through the Adelaide Convention Centre.
That is remarkable, whispers David to Vello.
Why so? whispers Vello. What is ET?
Shh! hisses Sweezus. We want to hear this.
Phil Liggett, drops into an empty seat beside Arthur.
Wonderful speaker, Sir Chris, says Phil Liggett. Mind if I sit here?
No, says Arthur. Sit wherever you like.
I might say a few words later on, whispers Phil Liggett loudly. If they ask me,
What about? says Arthur. Another remarkable story?
I have many, says Phil Liggett. Many, many. But....
But? says Arthur.
I prefer to speak about my pet interest, which is Saving the Rhino.
Excuse me! says Gaius, leaning over. Did you say Rhino?
I did indeed, says Phil Liggett. Are you interested in making a donation?
No, no, says Gaius. But I commend you most highly for asking.
He makes a note on his napkin. Save the Rhino.
Jens Voigt is now speaking. He is telling the story of how, when the going is gruelling, he speaks to his legs.
Most of the audience have already heard this story.
Some one cries SHUT UP LEGS!
Everyone laughs. What a brilliant night of reminiscence and cycling glory.
Who is sponsoring this thing?
Nespresso! And now it's time for the coffee.
At last there is quiet. Everyone slurping, and eating the froth with their spoons.
So, Richie? says Arthur.
What, Arthur? says Richie.
The snake, says Arthur. Or should I say, python.
Helped me win, says Richie. At the top of the hill.
It wasn't supposed to, says Arthur. It was meant to cause havoc, and help Sweezus get King Of The Mountain.
Didn't work then, says Richie. When I saw it, It made me go faster. Sorry, Sweezus. No hard feelings?
Fuck man, says Sweezus. I never have hard feelings.
That's the way, says Phil Liggett. That's the way. Wonderful sport. See you chaps tomorrow........
Bye bye, says Olive Python.
Not you, says Lu Ban.
Vello and David are sitting with Arthur and Sweezus at a conspicuous table.
At the next table, Gaius and Lu Ban, with Olive Python draped round his shoulders.
Richie Porte comes over.
Hi guys, says Richie. Can I pat the snake?
Certainly, says Lu Ban. She has just eaten.
Good snake that one, says Richie. I won yesterday thanks to her.
Lu Ban looks startled.
Arthur pricks up his ears.
So what happened?
Richie is just about to explain how he won Stage Five thanks to Olive Python, when Sir Chris Hoy gets up to speak.
I was inspired to become a cyclist, says Sir Chris Hoy, as a very young lad after seeing the movie ET.
A ripple of laughter runs through the Adelaide Convention Centre.
That is remarkable, whispers David to Vello.
Why so? whispers Vello. What is ET?
Shh! hisses Sweezus. We want to hear this.
Phil Liggett, drops into an empty seat beside Arthur.
Wonderful speaker, Sir Chris, says Phil Liggett. Mind if I sit here?
No, says Arthur. Sit wherever you like.
I might say a few words later on, whispers Phil Liggett loudly. If they ask me,
What about? says Arthur. Another remarkable story?
I have many, says Phil Liggett. Many, many. But....
But? says Arthur.
I prefer to speak about my pet interest, which is Saving the Rhino.
Excuse me! says Gaius, leaning over. Did you say Rhino?
I did indeed, says Phil Liggett. Are you interested in making a donation?
No, no, says Gaius. But I commend you most highly for asking.
He makes a note on his napkin. Save the Rhino.
Jens Voigt is now speaking. He is telling the story of how, when the going is gruelling, he speaks to his legs.
Most of the audience have already heard this story.
Some one cries SHUT UP LEGS!
Everyone laughs. What a brilliant night of reminiscence and cycling glory.
Who is sponsoring this thing?
Nespresso! And now it's time for the coffee.
At last there is quiet. Everyone slurping, and eating the froth with their spoons.
So, Richie? says Arthur.
What, Arthur? says Richie.
The snake, says Arthur. Or should I say, python.
Helped me win, says Richie. At the top of the hill.
It wasn't supposed to, says Arthur. It was meant to cause havoc, and help Sweezus get King Of The Mountain.
Didn't work then, says Richie. When I saw it, It made me go faster. Sorry, Sweezus. No hard feelings?
Fuck man, says Sweezus. I never have hard feelings.
That's the way, says Phil Liggett. That's the way. Wonderful sport. See you chaps tomorrow........
Bye bye, says Olive Python.
Not you, says Lu Ban.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Stage Five: McLaren Vale to Willunga Hill - Egos
Another perfect day for racing. The stage begins in beautiful MacLaren Vale, among the scenic vineyards.
Sweezus has high hopes of being King of the Mountain. It feels as though today will be his day.
Arthur has undertaken to come up with a strong supportive plan.
David and Vello will be happy just to finish. They are looking forward to the Legends' Night Dinner in the evening, which Sir Chris Hoy is attending, along with other legends.
.....
Gaius and Lu Ban are riding side by side along the main Road to Willunga, still not talking.
They turn down Aldinga Road, towards Aldinga.
Squeak! Squeak! It's the Dragon, squeaking.
They reach the Esplanade, and ride along the limestone cliffs towards Snapper Point.
Squeak! Squeak! Getting louder.
Jens Voigt flies past, leading an early breakaway.
Squeak-eee! yells Voigt, over his shoulder.
Lu Ban gives Voigt a piercing look, which is ineffectual. Voigt has already vanished in the distance.
At last Gaius feels obliged to say something.
I can't help noticing, Lu Ban, says Gaius, that all is not well with the Dragon.
Lu Ban turns his head to look at Gaius.
Perhaps it is a punishment for hubris, says Lu Ban.
The hubris of the Dragon? asks Gaius.
The Dragon is blameless, says Lu Ban. Perhaps I was too proud.
I'm very glad to hear you say it, says Gaius. I thought, since the trouble on the Corkscrew the other day, that perhaps......
I blame you, says Lu Ban.
Do you? says Gaius. Be that as it may, it is pleasanter like this, riding together, don't you think so?
No, says Lu Ban. My Dragon is squeaking. Everyone who passes us must notice.
Why is it squeaking, just as a matter of interest? asks Gaius.
Empty, says Lu Ban. It was once packed full of weapons, giving it strength and stability.
So it was, says Gaius. And yet, it didn't rattle.
Why should it? says Lu Ban. It was perfectly weighted. Although I must admit it went too fast.
I wonder.... says Gaius slowly ........if there would be room in there for..... Olive Python?
Lu Ban's eyes light up. He thinks perhaps there would.
But on the other hand, how galling for a carpenter immortal, military strategist, engineer and team captain to take his counsel from a natural historian.
He pedals slowly, wrestling with his ego.
......
Meanwhile, just below the summit of Willunga Hill, Olive Python lies waiting, having been recruited earlier by Arthur.
There she falls asleep, and dreams of fruit bats.
Sweezus has high hopes of being King of the Mountain. It feels as though today will be his day.
Arthur has undertaken to come up with a strong supportive plan.
David and Vello will be happy just to finish. They are looking forward to the Legends' Night Dinner in the evening, which Sir Chris Hoy is attending, along with other legends.
.....
Gaius and Lu Ban are riding side by side along the main Road to Willunga, still not talking.
They turn down Aldinga Road, towards Aldinga.
Squeak! Squeak! It's the Dragon, squeaking.
They reach the Esplanade, and ride along the limestone cliffs towards Snapper Point.
Squeak! Squeak! Getting louder.
Jens Voigt flies past, leading an early breakaway.
Squeak-eee! yells Voigt, over his shoulder.
Lu Ban gives Voigt a piercing look, which is ineffectual. Voigt has already vanished in the distance.
At last Gaius feels obliged to say something.
I can't help noticing, Lu Ban, says Gaius, that all is not well with the Dragon.
Lu Ban turns his head to look at Gaius.
Perhaps it is a punishment for hubris, says Lu Ban.
The hubris of the Dragon? asks Gaius.
The Dragon is blameless, says Lu Ban. Perhaps I was too proud.
I'm very glad to hear you say it, says Gaius. I thought, since the trouble on the Corkscrew the other day, that perhaps......
I blame you, says Lu Ban.
Do you? says Gaius. Be that as it may, it is pleasanter like this, riding together, don't you think so?
No, says Lu Ban. My Dragon is squeaking. Everyone who passes us must notice.
Why is it squeaking, just as a matter of interest? asks Gaius.
Empty, says Lu Ban. It was once packed full of weapons, giving it strength and stability.
So it was, says Gaius. And yet, it didn't rattle.
Why should it? says Lu Ban. It was perfectly weighted. Although I must admit it went too fast.
I wonder.... says Gaius slowly ........if there would be room in there for..... Olive Python?
Lu Ban's eyes light up. He thinks perhaps there would.
But on the other hand, how galling for a carpenter immortal, military strategist, engineer and team captain to take his counsel from a natural historian.
He pedals slowly, wrestling with his ego.
......
Meanwhile, just below the summit of Willunga Hill, Olive Python lies waiting, having been recruited earlier by Arthur.
There she falls asleep, and dreams of fruit bats.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Stage Four: Unley to Victor Harbor - Gossip
Stage Four of the Tour Down Under starts in Unley.
The teams are assembled.
Cadel Evans is holding a joey in a blanket. How cute! Take a photo. That's it.
Go! They ride off to the glad sounds of cheering .
There goes Team Philosophe, looking awesome.
There goes Lu Ban, on the Dragon. And Gaius, just behind him, on his own bike again.
Here are Richie Porte, Andre Greipel, Simon Gerrans, riding together. What are they talking about?
Let's listen.
Andre Greipel: What happened then, on the Corkscrew?
Richie Porte: Gaius pressed the button.
Simon Gerrans: What button?
Richie Porte: Catch up, Simon. The button on Lu Ban's Dragon. The one you can only press once.
Andre Greipel: Gaius pressed it?
Richie Porte: Yeah, but Arthur had already pressed it.
Andre Greipel: How do you know?
Richie Porte: I'm mates with Arthur. Since Beijing.
Simon Gerrans: So, nothing happened?
Richie Porte: No, that's the thing, see. All these weapons dropped out on the road. Forks and tridents.
Andre Greipel: Scheise! Forks and tridents! That's bad. How come we didn't see them?
Richie Porte: It happened way before we got there. There were all cleared away by the crews.
Simon Gerrans: So Gaius was ahead then?
Richie Porte: Yeah, by shitloads!
Andre Greipel: So why did he press the button, if he was so far in front?
Richie Porte: Couldn't stop!
Simon Gerrans: Sheez! But wasn't he going uphill?
Richie Porte: Yeah. He was.
Andre Greipel: That's some awesome bicycle. Wish I had one.
They ride off, out of our hearing, Andre Greipel in front.
Here come David and Vello, riding leisurely into Myponga.
Vello: Good to see Gaius still with us.
David: Ha ha! In spite of his injuries.
Vello: And Lu Ban. He looks different somehow.
David: That will be the haircut he had to have.
Vello: Shame. That top knot suited him.
David: I agree, but when your hair gets caught up in a coffee shop umbrella...........
Vello: A common occurrence. Might easily have happened to me....
David: If only you were taller.
Vello: Shall we speed up? Make a good showing?
David: Alright. Let's catch up to Arthur and Sweezus.
They catch up to Arthur and Sweezus, who are discussing literary matters.
Sweezus: That Richie. Wish I knew how he did it.
Arthur: It's all in the tone.
What a boring conversation.
Let's catch up to Lu Ban and Gaius.
Here they are now, coasting into Victor Harbor.
But they are not talking at all.
The teams are assembled.
Cadel Evans is holding a joey in a blanket. How cute! Take a photo. That's it.
Go! They ride off to the glad sounds of cheering .
There goes Team Philosophe, looking awesome.
There goes Lu Ban, on the Dragon. And Gaius, just behind him, on his own bike again.
Here are Richie Porte, Andre Greipel, Simon Gerrans, riding together. What are they talking about?
Let's listen.
Andre Greipel: What happened then, on the Corkscrew?
Richie Porte: Gaius pressed the button.
Simon Gerrans: What button?
Richie Porte: Catch up, Simon. The button on Lu Ban's Dragon. The one you can only press once.
Andre Greipel: Gaius pressed it?
Richie Porte: Yeah, but Arthur had already pressed it.
Andre Greipel: How do you know?
Richie Porte: I'm mates with Arthur. Since Beijing.
Simon Gerrans: So, nothing happened?
Richie Porte: No, that's the thing, see. All these weapons dropped out on the road. Forks and tridents.
Andre Greipel: Scheise! Forks and tridents! That's bad. How come we didn't see them?
Richie Porte: It happened way before we got there. There were all cleared away by the crews.
Simon Gerrans: So Gaius was ahead then?
Richie Porte: Yeah, by shitloads!
Andre Greipel: So why did he press the button, if he was so far in front?
Richie Porte: Couldn't stop!
Simon Gerrans: Sheez! But wasn't he going uphill?
Richie Porte: Yeah. He was.
Andre Greipel: That's some awesome bicycle. Wish I had one.
They ride off, out of our hearing, Andre Greipel in front.
Here come David and Vello, riding leisurely into Myponga.
Vello: Good to see Gaius still with us.
David: Ha ha! In spite of his injuries.
Vello: And Lu Ban. He looks different somehow.
David: That will be the haircut he had to have.
Vello: Shame. That top knot suited him.
David: I agree, but when your hair gets caught up in a coffee shop umbrella...........
Vello: A common occurrence. Might easily have happened to me....
David: If only you were taller.
Vello: Shall we speed up? Make a good showing?
David: Alright. Let's catch up to Arthur and Sweezus.
They catch up to Arthur and Sweezus, who are discussing literary matters.
Sweezus: That Richie. Wish I knew how he did it.
Arthur: It's all in the tone.
What a boring conversation.
Let's catch up to Lu Ban and Gaius.
Here they are now, coasting into Victor Harbor.
But they are not talking at all.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Stage Three: Norwood to Cambelltown - Tactics
It's early morning in Norwood, the start of Stage Three of the Tour Down Under.
Rosamunda, Janice, Olive Python and Lu Ban are sitting outside Cibo's, under a red umbrella, talking tactics.
The way I see it, says Rosamunda, you should partly disable the Dragon.
Lu Ban looks thoughtful.
I don't like it, says Olive Python.
Why not, my lucky talisman? asks Lu Ban.
It's cruel, says Olive Python.
That's rich, says Janice. Coming from you.
I speak as a member of the animal community, says Olive Python.
You eat live fruit bats, says Janice.
When I say disable the Dragon, says Rosamunda, I mean only to slow it down enough for Lu Ban to win.
I like it, says Lu Ban. You are an asset to Team Everlasting Dragons, Rosamunda.
LATTES FOR ROSAMUNDA! calls a voice from inside the cafe.
Rosamunda gets up from the table, and disappears into the cafe.
An animal can eat other animals, says Olive Python.
A Dragon isn't an animal, says Janice
Lu Ban is not listening. He is thinking of ways he can slightly disable the Dragon.
Gaius comes by, with a program.
Bad luck yesterday, you not winning, says Gaius. It was an excellent plan that you ruined. But I have come up with one that is foolproof.
No need to insult me, says Lu Ban. What is it?
Simple, says Gaius. We swap bicycles. That is, if you think you are good enough to win on a regular bicycle.
Lu Ban is furious. He stands up. His top knot catches in the spoke of red umbrella.
He tries to sit down again. His hair will not allow it.
How awkward.
Rosamunda comes out of the cafe carrying three lattes, a Crostatina Rossa and a Crostatina al Mango, and plonks them down on the table.
Gaius, says Rosamunda. Would you like something?
No, says Gaius stiffly. I'm about to ride in Stage Three. On the Dragon.
Lu Ban! That's genius! says Rosamunda. Perfect way to disable the Dragon. Do sit down now. Have a latte and choose a crostatina.
He can't, says Janice. His hair's all caught up in the umbrella.
Gaius permits himself an almost imperceptible smirk of derision.
He looks around for the Dragon. There it is, leaning against a temporary barrier.
He wheels it towards the start line.
It is restive. It keeps lurching forward and twisting.
Steady, says Gaius. Save that for the Corkscrew.
Rosamunda, Janice, Olive Python and Lu Ban are sitting outside Cibo's, under a red umbrella, talking tactics.
The way I see it, says Rosamunda, you should partly disable the Dragon.
Lu Ban looks thoughtful.
I don't like it, says Olive Python.
Why not, my lucky talisman? asks Lu Ban.
It's cruel, says Olive Python.
That's rich, says Janice. Coming from you.
I speak as a member of the animal community, says Olive Python.
You eat live fruit bats, says Janice.
When I say disable the Dragon, says Rosamunda, I mean only to slow it down enough for Lu Ban to win.
I like it, says Lu Ban. You are an asset to Team Everlasting Dragons, Rosamunda.
LATTES FOR ROSAMUNDA! calls a voice from inside the cafe.
Rosamunda gets up from the table, and disappears into the cafe.
An animal can eat other animals, says Olive Python.
A Dragon isn't an animal, says Janice
Lu Ban is not listening. He is thinking of ways he can slightly disable the Dragon.
Gaius comes by, with a program.
Bad luck yesterday, you not winning, says Gaius. It was an excellent plan that you ruined. But I have come up with one that is foolproof.
No need to insult me, says Lu Ban. What is it?
Simple, says Gaius. We swap bicycles. That is, if you think you are good enough to win on a regular bicycle.
Lu Ban is furious. He stands up. His top knot catches in the spoke of red umbrella.
He tries to sit down again. His hair will not allow it.
How awkward.
Rosamunda comes out of the cafe carrying three lattes, a Crostatina Rossa and a Crostatina al Mango, and plonks them down on the table.
Gaius, says Rosamunda. Would you like something?
No, says Gaius stiffly. I'm about to ride in Stage Three. On the Dragon.
Lu Ban! That's genius! says Rosamunda. Perfect way to disable the Dragon. Do sit down now. Have a latte and choose a crostatina.
He can't, says Janice. His hair's all caught up in the umbrella.
Gaius permits himself an almost imperceptible smirk of derision.
He looks around for the Dragon. There it is, leaning against a temporary barrier.
He wheels it towards the start line.
It is restive. It keeps lurching forward and twisting.
Steady, says Gaius. Save that for the Corkscrew.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Stage Two: Prospect to Stirling
Another day in the Tour Down Under, and the weather is perfect.
Lu Ban is determined to go slower this time.
Once he leaves Prospect, he will ride behind Gaius till they come to the Powerade Hydration Station in Woodside. Only then will he gather some speed.
That's the plan.
Go! Everyone rolls out of Prospect, heading for Gepps Cross.
Gaius is going at his usual pace, neither too fast nor too slow, just behind David and Vello.
Lu Ban struggles to keep a tight rein on the Dragon.
Stop bumping! says Gaius.
Sorry, says Lu Ban. It's not my fault.
Vello looks over his shoulder.
Lu Ban! says Vello. Didn't see you there behind Gaius. Come up here with us.
Lu Ban is pleased at the invitation. He speeds up to pass Gaius, thus already upsetting the plan.
Gaius tries to detain him, by grabbing Lu Ban's flapping jacket, but it is made of that slippery cotton.
Lu Ban draws level with David and Vello.
How are you liking the Tour? asks Vello.
It is difficult for someone like me to get used to, says Lu Ban. I am accustomed to going as fast as I wish.
Really? says David. Do you mean to say you could go faster?
There you have the nub of the problem, says Lu Ban. I can of course go faster. I have gone faster. No one saw me go faster. And so it avails me nothing.
Remarkable, says David. If a tree falls in the forest, tra la la.....
Ha ha! laughs Vello.
What do you mean? asks Lu Ban. And why is he laughing?
You don't know the saying? says David.
Do we go through a forest? asks Lu Ban. Perhaps then I will understand it.
We do, says David. We wind through the Hills. It's very scenic. Inglewood, Chain of Ponds, Gumaracha.
And Woodside? says Lu Ban. That's where my plan comes into action.
What is your plan? asks Vello. Just as a matter of interest, although it cannot concern us.
I speed up there, says Lu Ban. I pass Gaius.
But he is already behind you, says David. Not much of a plan.
Lu Ban looks over his shoulder.
Gaius is a speck in the distance.
I see what you mean, sighs Lu Ban. Already my Dragon begins to kick over the traces.
Wonderful image. says David. I suppose you are off then?
Nothing for it, but to be off then, says Lu Ban, gathering speed.
Soon he is a speck in the distance.
That's what I love about racing, says Vello.
Sweezus rides up, closely followed Arthur.
What do you love about racing? asks Sweezus.
Someone's always a speck in the distance, says Vello.
Arthur likes this.
You should write that down Vello, says Arthur. That's as good an observation as I've heard for a long time.
Worthy of our friend Richie Porte, eh? says Vello.
I have a bone to pick with you all about Richie, says David. I would not call him a genius. Competent yes, and his punctuation is excellent, but his thoughts are banal.
As if! says Sweezus. Banal! What do you reckon, Arthur?
Richie writes like a dream, says Arthur.
Sent me to sleep, mutters David.
Better get a move on, you boys, says Vello. Time's a wasting.
Sweezus and Arthur are soon little specks in the distance.
At Woodside they catch up with Lu Ban, who has stopped at the Powerade Hydration Station.
What's up, Lu Ban? enquires Arthur.
If a tree falls in the forest, says Lu Ban, tell me how does it end?
Arse up, says Sweezus.
They all three crack up laughing.
Diego Ulissi , Simon Gerrans and Cadel Evans flash by, heading for Stirling
This awakens the Dragon, and Lu Ban gets going.
Lu Ban is determined to go slower this time.
Once he leaves Prospect, he will ride behind Gaius till they come to the Powerade Hydration Station in Woodside. Only then will he gather some speed.
That's the plan.
Go! Everyone rolls out of Prospect, heading for Gepps Cross.
Gaius is going at his usual pace, neither too fast nor too slow, just behind David and Vello.
Lu Ban struggles to keep a tight rein on the Dragon.
Stop bumping! says Gaius.
Sorry, says Lu Ban. It's not my fault.
Vello looks over his shoulder.
Lu Ban! says Vello. Didn't see you there behind Gaius. Come up here with us.
Lu Ban is pleased at the invitation. He speeds up to pass Gaius, thus already upsetting the plan.
Gaius tries to detain him, by grabbing Lu Ban's flapping jacket, but it is made of that slippery cotton.
Lu Ban draws level with David and Vello.
How are you liking the Tour? asks Vello.
It is difficult for someone like me to get used to, says Lu Ban. I am accustomed to going as fast as I wish.
Really? says David. Do you mean to say you could go faster?
There you have the nub of the problem, says Lu Ban. I can of course go faster. I have gone faster. No one saw me go faster. And so it avails me nothing.
Remarkable, says David. If a tree falls in the forest, tra la la.....
Ha ha! laughs Vello.
What do you mean? asks Lu Ban. And why is he laughing?
You don't know the saying? says David.
Do we go through a forest? asks Lu Ban. Perhaps then I will understand it.
We do, says David. We wind through the Hills. It's very scenic. Inglewood, Chain of Ponds, Gumaracha.
And Woodside? says Lu Ban. That's where my plan comes into action.
What is your plan? asks Vello. Just as a matter of interest, although it cannot concern us.
I speed up there, says Lu Ban. I pass Gaius.
But he is already behind you, says David. Not much of a plan.
Lu Ban looks over his shoulder.
Gaius is a speck in the distance.
I see what you mean, sighs Lu Ban. Already my Dragon begins to kick over the traces.
Wonderful image. says David. I suppose you are off then?
Nothing for it, but to be off then, says Lu Ban, gathering speed.
Soon he is a speck in the distance.
That's what I love about racing, says Vello.
Sweezus rides up, closely followed Arthur.
What do you love about racing? asks Sweezus.
Someone's always a speck in the distance, says Vello.
Arthur likes this.
You should write that down Vello, says Arthur. That's as good an observation as I've heard for a long time.
Worthy of our friend Richie Porte, eh? says Vello.
I have a bone to pick with you all about Richie, says David. I would not call him a genius. Competent yes, and his punctuation is excellent, but his thoughts are banal.
As if! says Sweezus. Banal! What do you reckon, Arthur?
Richie writes like a dream, says Arthur.
Sent me to sleep, mutters David.
Better get a move on, you boys, says Vello. Time's a wasting.
Sweezus and Arthur are soon little specks in the distance.
At Woodside they catch up with Lu Ban, who has stopped at the Powerade Hydration Station.
What's up, Lu Ban? enquires Arthur.
If a tree falls in the forest, says Lu Ban, tell me how does it end?
Arse up, says Sweezus.
They all three crack up laughing.
Diego Ulissi , Simon Gerrans and Cadel Evans flash by, heading for Stirling
This awakens the Dragon, and Lu Ban gets going.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Stage One: Nuriootpa to Angaston
Monday is a rest day. Several things become clear.
You see, Gaius, says Rosamunda, Lu Ban's riding so fast no one sees him. He actually won yesterday.
Are you certain? says Gaius. I was watching, with Olive Python, and neither she nor I saw him come first.
The thing is, says Rosamunda, he did fifty two laps, to everyone else's fifty.
More fool him, says Gaius.
Come on Gaius, says Rosamunda. If you would only relent.
If he would, says Gaius.
Lu Ban enters.
Gaius, says Lu Ban. You see my predicament.
I do. says Gaius. Your bike is too good to be true.
My dad says, says Janice, if something's too good to be true, then it probably isn't.
Not in this case, says Gaius. And not, if I remember correctly, in the case of the squids yesterday.
Ooh yes! says Janice. Arthur was brilliant! He bought these boxes of squids. Then he said we could sell them as cuttlies and no one would notice. And nobody did.
Arthur is a wonder, says Gaius. I regret having lost him to my rivals. I blame myself, partly.
It wasn't your fault, says Rosamunda.
It was mine, sighs Lu Ban. Let no one say I am not open to self criticism.
Is that so? says Gaius. What about criticism from others?
No one likes that, says Lu Ban.
I suppose I could rally around, says Gaius. The truth is, I'm not used to being a spectator.
Wonderful, says Lu Ban. Tomorrow, you must lead me out. And not too quickly.
Hurrah! says Janice. Gaius will do it!
Slow him down? says Gaius. I'll say so!
..........
Another thing that becomes clear on Monday: Richie Porte is nothing less than a genius.
Sweezus: Look at this, Arthur!
Arthur ( speed reading ): Hmm, mmm.
Sweezus: What do you reckon?
Arthur: He's a genius.
Sweezus: Yeah. That's what I thought.
..........
And now it is Tuesday. Time for Stage One: Nuriootpa to Angaston.
The teams assemble. Bang! Off they go.
They ride through the beautiful Barossa, past vineyards and trees.
Gaius leads out Lu Ban, momentarily.
Woosh! Lu Ban loses control of his Dragon and shoots out in front. No one even sees him.
........
Vello is riding beside David, not trying too hard.
Ah, what beautiful scenery, says Vello.
Indeed, says David. Rows and rows of beautiful vines.
That reminds me, says Vello. Sweezus tells me Richie Porte is a literary genius.
You don't say so? says David. Would Sweezus be able to tell?
Arthur backs him up, says Vello.
Hee hee, says David. He would though.
No, but really, says Vello. Arthur says Richie has come on so far he's outdone Calvino and Kafka and Proust.
My, my, says David. I must have a squizz at this masterpiece.
You shall when we finish, says Vello. First we must climb this intolerable what's-it-called, Mengler's Hill.
Pfffff, says David. Heave ho, then. Woo! Who was that just flew by?
Didn't see anyone, says Vello.
Neither do Andre Greipel, or Simon Gerrans, who pass them next, at a credible speed.
You see, Gaius, says Rosamunda, Lu Ban's riding so fast no one sees him. He actually won yesterday.
Are you certain? says Gaius. I was watching, with Olive Python, and neither she nor I saw him come first.
The thing is, says Rosamunda, he did fifty two laps, to everyone else's fifty.
More fool him, says Gaius.
Come on Gaius, says Rosamunda. If you would only relent.
If he would, says Gaius.
Lu Ban enters.
Gaius, says Lu Ban. You see my predicament.
I do. says Gaius. Your bike is too good to be true.
My dad says, says Janice, if something's too good to be true, then it probably isn't.
Not in this case, says Gaius. And not, if I remember correctly, in the case of the squids yesterday.
Ooh yes! says Janice. Arthur was brilliant! He bought these boxes of squids. Then he said we could sell them as cuttlies and no one would notice. And nobody did.
Arthur is a wonder, says Gaius. I regret having lost him to my rivals. I blame myself, partly.
It wasn't your fault, says Rosamunda.
It was mine, sighs Lu Ban. Let no one say I am not open to self criticism.
Is that so? says Gaius. What about criticism from others?
No one likes that, says Lu Ban.
I suppose I could rally around, says Gaius. The truth is, I'm not used to being a spectator.
Wonderful, says Lu Ban. Tomorrow, you must lead me out. And not too quickly.
Hurrah! says Janice. Gaius will do it!
Slow him down? says Gaius. I'll say so!
..........
Another thing that becomes clear on Monday: Richie Porte is nothing less than a genius.
Sweezus: Look at this, Arthur!
Arthur ( speed reading ): Hmm, mmm.
Sweezus: What do you reckon?
Arthur: He's a genius.
Sweezus: Yeah. That's what I thought.
..........
And now it is Tuesday. Time for Stage One: Nuriootpa to Angaston.
The teams assemble. Bang! Off they go.
They ride through the beautiful Barossa, past vineyards and trees.
Gaius leads out Lu Ban, momentarily.
Woosh! Lu Ban loses control of his Dragon and shoots out in front. No one even sees him.
........
Vello is riding beside David, not trying too hard.
Ah, what beautiful scenery, says Vello.
Indeed, says David. Rows and rows of beautiful vines.
That reminds me, says Vello. Sweezus tells me Richie Porte is a literary genius.
You don't say so? says David. Would Sweezus be able to tell?
Arthur backs him up, says Vello.
Hee hee, says David. He would though.
No, but really, says Vello. Arthur says Richie has come on so far he's outdone Calvino and Kafka and Proust.
My, my, says David. I must have a squizz at this masterpiece.
You shall when we finish, says Vello. First we must climb this intolerable what's-it-called, Mengler's Hill.
Pfffff, says David. Heave ho, then. Woo! Who was that just flew by?
Didn't see anyone, says Vello.
Neither do Andre Greipel, or Simon Gerrans, who pass them next, at a credible speed.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
The People's Choice Classic: Realism v Optimism
Later, at Fork On The Road, beside the Torrens.
The food vans are doing great business. Sweezies Tender Cuttlies has set up right next to Squid Inc.
But who is manning Sweezies Tender Cuttlies? Not Sweezus. He will shortly be racing in the People's Choice Classic.
Here he comes now, strolling with Arthur. They wear blue Team Philosophe lycra, with green leg grips, and bright orange shoes.
Hi, Belle et Bonne! says Sweezus. How's business?
Pwff! says Belle et Bonne, blowing a stray hair from her face. It would help if you'd given us the recipe.
Shit yeah, sorry, says Sweezus. But, you're cool with it, Belle? And Janice?
Janice's head pops up over the high counter, wearing the blue pixie hat.
You guys are HOPELESS says Janice. We don't even have any cuttlies. Dad's gone out to buy some, but he must've got lost. He's been ages. Everyone was here, but now they've all gone to Squid Inc.
Arthur looks across at the queue snaking away from Squid Inc.
Squids are like cuttlies, aren't they? He ducks round the back of Squid Inc.
There are boxes and boxes of squids, just sitting there, defrosting in the late afternoon sun.
.............
Seven fifteen. The People's Choice Classic has started.
Lu Ban has shot out in front.
Who needs a lucky ribbon, a lucky python, team members?
Lu Ban has none of these.
He is the carpenter immortal, architect, engineer, designer of the Swooping Dragon Bicycle.
.........
Did you see that? says The VeloDrone.
Yes, says David. Team Everlasting Dragons. One man show.
We may as well give up right now, says The VeloDrone.
He will soon tire, says David. No one can keep up that speed. Can they?
I suppose not, says The VeloDrone. Yes, we should look on the bright side.
I wasn't looking on the bright side, says David. I was being realistic. If I should happen to appear to be looking on the bright side, I apologise.
Apology accepted, says The Velodrone. Let us be realistic. Lu Ban is said to be immortal.
I cannot accept that, says David.
And to have a lucky ribbon, says Vello.
Nor that, says David.
And a powerful snake capable of asphyxiating his enemies, says Vello.
That I can swallow, says David.
Up rides Sweezus, followed closely by Arthur
How many circuits are we doing? says Sweezus. I've forgotten.
I don't know, says Arthur. Keep riding till you hear the bell. It's one more after that.
Haha! laughs Sweezus. Arthur, you kill me.
Arthur is glad to hear that.
Richie Porte rumbles by, and drops his speed slightly, alongside Sweezus.
Read it yet? enquires Richie. Just asking.
Not yet, man, says Sweezus. Tomorrow.
Richie speeds up and heads for the front of the main peloton .
Here comes Greipel. Head down talking to Kittel.
Did you happen to hear what they said? asks the VeloDrone.
Something about ducks, replies David.
The food vans are doing great business. Sweezies Tender Cuttlies has set up right next to Squid Inc.
But who is manning Sweezies Tender Cuttlies? Not Sweezus. He will shortly be racing in the People's Choice Classic.
Here he comes now, strolling with Arthur. They wear blue Team Philosophe lycra, with green leg grips, and bright orange shoes.
Hi, Belle et Bonne! says Sweezus. How's business?
Pwff! says Belle et Bonne, blowing a stray hair from her face. It would help if you'd given us the recipe.
Shit yeah, sorry, says Sweezus. But, you're cool with it, Belle? And Janice?
Janice's head pops up over the high counter, wearing the blue pixie hat.
You guys are HOPELESS says Janice. We don't even have any cuttlies. Dad's gone out to buy some, but he must've got lost. He's been ages. Everyone was here, but now they've all gone to Squid Inc.
Arthur looks across at the queue snaking away from Squid Inc.
Squids are like cuttlies, aren't they? He ducks round the back of Squid Inc.
There are boxes and boxes of squids, just sitting there, defrosting in the late afternoon sun.
.............
Seven fifteen. The People's Choice Classic has started.
Lu Ban has shot out in front.
Who needs a lucky ribbon, a lucky python, team members?
Lu Ban has none of these.
He is the carpenter immortal, architect, engineer, designer of the Swooping Dragon Bicycle.
.........
Did you see that? says The VeloDrone.
Yes, says David. Team Everlasting Dragons. One man show.
We may as well give up right now, says The VeloDrone.
He will soon tire, says David. No one can keep up that speed. Can they?
I suppose not, says The VeloDrone. Yes, we should look on the bright side.
I wasn't looking on the bright side, says David. I was being realistic. If I should happen to appear to be looking on the bright side, I apologise.
Apology accepted, says The Velodrone. Let us be realistic. Lu Ban is said to be immortal.
I cannot accept that, says David.
And to have a lucky ribbon, says Vello.
Nor that, says David.
And a powerful snake capable of asphyxiating his enemies, says Vello.
That I can swallow, says David.
Up rides Sweezus, followed closely by Arthur
How many circuits are we doing? says Sweezus. I've forgotten.
I don't know, says Arthur. Keep riding till you hear the bell. It's one more after that.
Haha! laughs Sweezus. Arthur, you kill me.
Arthur is glad to hear that.
Richie Porte rumbles by, and drops his speed slightly, alongside Sweezus.
Read it yet? enquires Richie. Just asking.
Not yet, man, says Sweezus. Tomorrow.
Richie speeds up and heads for the front of the main peloton .
Here comes Greipel. Head down talking to Kittel.
Did you happen to hear what they said? asks the VeloDrone.
Something about ducks, replies David.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
The Great Leap Forward - Improvements
Sunday morning. A meeting of Team Everlasting Dragons is in progress, in Gaius's kitchen.
It's not fair, says Janice. I was going to be the little demon rider.
And that's not the only thing, says Gaius.
I suppose you mean the contract, says Rosamunda.
Indeed, says Gaius. I come back from the Pilbara, my head buzzing with thoughts about the ingenuity of the Western Pebble-mound Mouse. I arrive late at the Team Presentation, believing I am still team captain of Team Provenance, only to discover......
The great improvements, says Lu Ban.
I fail to see them as improvements, says Gaius. You kidnapped a python, which almost asphyxiated the Premier.
Establishing my power, says Lu Ban.
You changed the Team Name and declared yourself captain, continues Gaius. Without a contract!
I have a contract, says Lu Ban. You yourself have signed it.
Let me see, says Gaius.
Rosamunda produces the contract.
Well, well, says Gaius. I do not remember..... but anyway it's only signed in pencil. Find me a rubber, Rosamunda.
Arthur was going to go over it in pen, says Janice. But we couldn't find one.
Arthur is reliable and loyal, says Gaius. He would not have gone over it in pen, should you have found one.
He WOULD, says Janice. If we'd found one.
And that brings me to the most heinous of your so-called improvements, says Gaius, scowling at Lu Ban. You have alienated Arthur to the extent that he has joined another team.
Boo, says Janice. I should join that team.....
And finally, says Gaius. You have got everyone off side by strutting arrogantly about the town in a yellow jersey.
To which I am entitled, says Lu Ban. To whit, the contract.
You know of course, says Gaius, that in Adelaide the winner's jersey is not a yellow one, but is a culturally appropriate shade of ochre.
Ochre! roars Lu Ban.
What's wrong with ochre? says Olive Python, looking up from her plate of struggling fruit bats, helpfully sourced for her by Cadel Evans, who loves animals.
This breaks the tension somewhat. Everyone laughs, some more than others. Rosamunda puts on the kettle for a cup of Po Li tea.
After the tea, civility is restored.
It's not fair, says Janice. I was going to be the little demon rider.
And that's not the only thing, says Gaius.
I suppose you mean the contract, says Rosamunda.
Indeed, says Gaius. I come back from the Pilbara, my head buzzing with thoughts about the ingenuity of the Western Pebble-mound Mouse. I arrive late at the Team Presentation, believing I am still team captain of Team Provenance, only to discover......
The great improvements, says Lu Ban.
I fail to see them as improvements, says Gaius. You kidnapped a python, which almost asphyxiated the Premier.
Establishing my power, says Lu Ban.
You changed the Team Name and declared yourself captain, continues Gaius. Without a contract!
I have a contract, says Lu Ban. You yourself have signed it.
Let me see, says Gaius.
Rosamunda produces the contract.
Well, well, says Gaius. I do not remember..... but anyway it's only signed in pencil. Find me a rubber, Rosamunda.
Arthur was going to go over it in pen, says Janice. But we couldn't find one.
Arthur is reliable and loyal, says Gaius. He would not have gone over it in pen, should you have found one.
He WOULD, says Janice. If we'd found one.
And that brings me to the most heinous of your so-called improvements, says Gaius, scowling at Lu Ban. You have alienated Arthur to the extent that he has joined another team.
Boo, says Janice. I should join that team.....
And finally, says Gaius. You have got everyone off side by strutting arrogantly about the town in a yellow jersey.
To which I am entitled, says Lu Ban. To whit, the contract.
You know of course, says Gaius, that in Adelaide the winner's jersey is not a yellow one, but is a culturally appropriate shade of ochre.
Ochre! roars Lu Ban.
What's wrong with ochre? says Olive Python, looking up from her plate of struggling fruit bats, helpfully sourced for her by Cadel Evans, who loves animals.
This breaks the tension somewhat. Everyone laughs, some more than others. Rosamunda puts on the kettle for a cup of Po Li tea.
After the tea, civility is restored.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Last Minute Interventions In The Tour Down Under
Tonight is the Team Presentation in Victoria Square. Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen will introduce the team riders one by one.
The riders are mingling in the members tent.
Phil Liggett is talking to The VeloDrone.
Now just so I get this right, says Phil Liggett. Arthur Rimbaud is riding in your team?
Yes, yes, says The VeloDrone. A very happy outcome. Sweezus took him out to the Barossa and made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
Well well , I won't ask what that was, says Phil Liggett. But that means Lu Ban's team Everlasting Dragons is short a rider.
Not at all, says David, coming up behind them. They've got a new rider.
Ha ha. Don't tell me, it's the python, says Phil Liggett. I heard there was an incident last night in a Chinese restaurant. The Premier had to be extricated from its clutches.
No, not the python, says David. That would be absurd. It has no legs to speak of.
No legs at all, says The VeloDrone. In point of fact.
And no legs to stand on, legally, says David. It was arrested and detained by the police. They locked it up. You can't attempt to asphyxiate the Premier.
No indeed, says Phil Liggett. But who is the new rider? Never mind. I see Lu Ban over there. I'll go and ask him.
On his way over he bumps into Richie Porte, who is busy scribbling
Oops, sorry Richie, says Phil Liggett. Didn't see you.
No worries Phil, says Richie Porte. Just finishing this for Sweezus.
Phil pushes on to where Lu Ban is standing, with Olive Python draped around his shoulders and a crowd of fascinated onlookers, including Cadel Evans, Andre Greipel and the Minister for Tourism, Leon Bignell.
Lu Ban! says Phil Ligett. I've been misinformed. I heard you'd lost your Python.
No, says Lu Ban. The Minister for Tourism intervened.
I did, says Leon Bignell. Can't have our honoured Chinese rider inconvenienced.
Cadel Evans reaches out to stroke Olive Python. Olive Python shivers.
Let me know if you want any fruit bats, says Cadel Evans. I know where to get 'em.
Fruit bats, laughs Andre Greipel. Don't pythons eat ducks?
I eat either, says Olive Python, modestly. As long as they're living.
Lu Ban, says Phil Liggett. It's a bit late in the day I know, but who is your new rider?
Paul Sherwen rushes up.
Phil! Phil! The Presentation's starting!.
Dear me. No show without Punch, says Phil Liggett, grinning. I suppose I'll find out soon enough.
Paul and Phil walk off together.
Lu Ban looks around until he spots his little demon rider.
The riders are mingling in the members tent.
Phil Liggett is talking to The VeloDrone.
Now just so I get this right, says Phil Liggett. Arthur Rimbaud is riding in your team?
Yes, yes, says The VeloDrone. A very happy outcome. Sweezus took him out to the Barossa and made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
Well well , I won't ask what that was, says Phil Liggett. But that means Lu Ban's team Everlasting Dragons is short a rider.
Not at all, says David, coming up behind them. They've got a new rider.
Ha ha. Don't tell me, it's the python, says Phil Liggett. I heard there was an incident last night in a Chinese restaurant. The Premier had to be extricated from its clutches.
No, not the python, says David. That would be absurd. It has no legs to speak of.
No legs at all, says The VeloDrone. In point of fact.
And no legs to stand on, legally, says David. It was arrested and detained by the police. They locked it up. You can't attempt to asphyxiate the Premier.
No indeed, says Phil Liggett. But who is the new rider? Never mind. I see Lu Ban over there. I'll go and ask him.
On his way over he bumps into Richie Porte, who is busy scribbling
Oops, sorry Richie, says Phil Liggett. Didn't see you.
No worries Phil, says Richie Porte. Just finishing this for Sweezus.
Phil pushes on to where Lu Ban is standing, with Olive Python draped around his shoulders and a crowd of fascinated onlookers, including Cadel Evans, Andre Greipel and the Minister for Tourism, Leon Bignell.
Lu Ban! says Phil Ligett. I've been misinformed. I heard you'd lost your Python.
No, says Lu Ban. The Minister for Tourism intervened.
I did, says Leon Bignell. Can't have our honoured Chinese rider inconvenienced.
Cadel Evans reaches out to stroke Olive Python. Olive Python shivers.
Let me know if you want any fruit bats, says Cadel Evans. I know where to get 'em.
Fruit bats, laughs Andre Greipel. Don't pythons eat ducks?
I eat either, says Olive Python, modestly. As long as they're living.
Lu Ban, says Phil Liggett. It's a bit late in the day I know, but who is your new rider?
Paul Sherwen rushes up.
Phil! Phil! The Presentation's starting!.
Dear me. No show without Punch, says Phil Liggett, grinning. I suppose I'll find out soon enough.
Paul and Phil walk off together.
Lu Ban looks around until he spots his little demon rider.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Cross-Cultural Faux Pas
Lu Ban meets Premier Jay Weatherill, outside Ding Hao on Gouger Street.
Come in, says the Premier. I've booked us a table near the window.
All the diners stand up in alarm at the sight of Lu Ban, who has brought Olive Python.
The Premier flaps his hands at the diners. It's all right, people, he says. This gentleman is my honoured guest from China and the python is no doubt a very good replica. Please, carry on as you were.
The diners sit down at their various tables, glancing anxiously at the Python draped round Lu Ban's shoulders.
So pleased you could come, Mr Lu, says the Premier. I've heard so much about you from President Xi Jinping's people. I'm hoping.......
Replica! says Olive Python. Does that mean what I think it means?
Pardon? says Premier Weatherill.
A copy, says Lu Ban to Olive Python. He thinks you're a manufactured copy. Perhaps it would be as well to continue to allow him to think so.
Ha ha, laughs Jay Weatherill nervously. Shall we order?
I've spoiled my dinner, says Lu Ban. I have eaten two ducks in a fit of ill-temper. You go ahead.
The Premier orders Sang Chow Bow for a starter. Lettuce Bun.
Olive Python unwinds herself from Lu Ban's shoulders and brings her head close to the starter.
Attention! Attention! says Olive Python. There's another entity here at this table. And it's hungry for fruit bats.
It's realistic, your python, says Premier Weatherill, biting into his bun. Are you sure you won't try this, Lu Ban?
Let me see the menu, says Lu Ban, grabbing one from a neighbouring table. Fruit bats, fruit bats.......no, no fruit bats.
Ha ha, laughs Jay Weatherill. Fruit bats. Do you eat them in China?
Do you think we are horses ? says Lu Ban.
The premier is confused. Has he made a cross-cultural faux pas?
He ploughs on however.
Chicken feet in white sauce, he says playfully. That's a good choice if you're full.
I'm not FULL, says Olive Python. Lu Ban, if your friend doesn't acknowledge me in the next second I'll wind myself round his skinny little waist and squeeze till his lettuce bun comes out at both ends. Tell him that!
Hush, says Lu Ban. You're disturbing my meeting with the Premier. We were talking about President Xi.
Yes, President Xi, says Jay Weatherill. Any chance he might throw some sort of manufacturing contract our way? We're at a loose end since losing Holden.
Manufacturing? says Lu Ban. Perhaps we could talk. I have several blueprints. A Wooden Bird, a Cloud Ladder, a Dragon Bicycle.......but that's under wraps till after I win the Tour.....
The Premier's eyes are getting wider and wider, but not due to the list.
Nor to the bumptious presumption.
He is quite used to lists, and to bumptious presumptions.
But not to what Olive is doing.
Come in, says the Premier. I've booked us a table near the window.
All the diners stand up in alarm at the sight of Lu Ban, who has brought Olive Python.
The Premier flaps his hands at the diners. It's all right, people, he says. This gentleman is my honoured guest from China and the python is no doubt a very good replica. Please, carry on as you were.
The diners sit down at their various tables, glancing anxiously at the Python draped round Lu Ban's shoulders.
So pleased you could come, Mr Lu, says the Premier. I've heard so much about you from President Xi Jinping's people. I'm hoping.......
Replica! says Olive Python. Does that mean what I think it means?
Pardon? says Premier Weatherill.
A copy, says Lu Ban to Olive Python. He thinks you're a manufactured copy. Perhaps it would be as well to continue to allow him to think so.
Ha ha, laughs Jay Weatherill nervously. Shall we order?
I've spoiled my dinner, says Lu Ban. I have eaten two ducks in a fit of ill-temper. You go ahead.
The Premier orders Sang Chow Bow for a starter. Lettuce Bun.
Olive Python unwinds herself from Lu Ban's shoulders and brings her head close to the starter.
Attention! Attention! says Olive Python. There's another entity here at this table. And it's hungry for fruit bats.
It's realistic, your python, says Premier Weatherill, biting into his bun. Are you sure you won't try this, Lu Ban?
Let me see the menu, says Lu Ban, grabbing one from a neighbouring table. Fruit bats, fruit bats.......no, no fruit bats.
Ha ha, laughs Jay Weatherill. Fruit bats. Do you eat them in China?
Do you think we are horses ? says Lu Ban.
The premier is confused. Has he made a cross-cultural faux pas?
He ploughs on however.
Chicken feet in white sauce, he says playfully. That's a good choice if you're full.
I'm not FULL, says Olive Python. Lu Ban, if your friend doesn't acknowledge me in the next second I'll wind myself round his skinny little waist and squeeze till his lettuce bun comes out at both ends. Tell him that!
Hush, says Lu Ban. You're disturbing my meeting with the Premier. We were talking about President Xi.
Yes, President Xi, says Jay Weatherill. Any chance he might throw some sort of manufacturing contract our way? We're at a loose end since losing Holden.
Manufacturing? says Lu Ban. Perhaps we could talk. I have several blueprints. A Wooden Bird, a Cloud Ladder, a Dragon Bicycle.......but that's under wraps till after I win the Tour.....
The Premier's eyes are getting wider and wider, but not due to the list.
Nor to the bumptious presumption.
He is quite used to lists, and to bumptious presumptions.
But not to what Olive is doing.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Spoiling Dinner
Arthur comes in.
Where's Lu Ban? asks Arthur, looking round.
Out for a duck, says Janice, grinning.
Arthur doesn't realise this is a cricket reference.
Good, says Arthur. And Gaius?
Coming home tomorrow, says Rosamunda.
Even better, says Arthur. Where's Lu Ban's snake?
Olive Python looms up behind Arthur. Arthur turns.
Olive Python likes the look of Arthur. The feeling is mutual.
Gaius signed the contract, says Janice. We made him do it.
Let's see, says Arthur.
He's only signed in pencil! says Rosamunda. Is that legal?
Easy fixed, says Arthur. Give me a pen.
As Rosamunda looks around the kitchen for a pen, Lu Ban returns, bearing a big red cotton bag, printed with Chinese characters.
He glares at Arthur, and puts the bag down on the kitchen table.
Duck? says Olive Python, sniffing.
One for me and one for you, my lucky talisman, says Lu Ban.
They smell unusual, says Olive Python. Are they fresh?
I could only get cooked ones, says Lu Ban. I had to go all the way to Chinatown. These are honey glazed and roasted.
They smell amazing! says Rosamunda.
You can have mine, says Olive Python. I only eat live ones. Who will provide me with a live one?
I will, says Arthur.
You will not, says Lu Ban. I am the captain.
Tell him, Arthur, says Rosamunda.
I'm changing teams, says Arthur.
Lu Ban tries to keep his head together.
This leaves just him, and Gaius, who is absent, as team members of Everlasting Dragons.
And furthermore where is his Dragon Bicycle? It is missing from the kitchen.
Where's my Dragon Bicycle? says Lu Ban, staring icily at Arthur.
Outside, says Arthur. But there's been a minor incident.
Minor incident! cries Lu Ban. I'll give you minor incident!
Keep your hair on, says Arthur. It's just the special button. I accidentally pressed it.
Woah! You pressed it! says Janice. You're SO in trouble! What happened?
The ribbon fell off, says Arthur. It didn't seem that terrible.
Lu Ban is beside himself with fury. His lucky ribbon!
When Lu Ban is really angry he wants to bite something.
He rips open the red cotton bag and eats the first duck, then commences on the other.
You'll spoil your dinner, says Rosamunda.
This is my dinner, says Lu Ban.
No, no, says Rosamunda, you're having dinner with the Premier. Remember? You're meeting him at six o'clock.
Where's Lu Ban? asks Arthur, looking round.
Out for a duck, says Janice, grinning.
Arthur doesn't realise this is a cricket reference.
Good, says Arthur. And Gaius?
Coming home tomorrow, says Rosamunda.
Even better, says Arthur. Where's Lu Ban's snake?
Olive Python looms up behind Arthur. Arthur turns.
Olive Python likes the look of Arthur. The feeling is mutual.
Gaius signed the contract, says Janice. We made him do it.
Let's see, says Arthur.
He's only signed in pencil! says Rosamunda. Is that legal?
Easy fixed, says Arthur. Give me a pen.
As Rosamunda looks around the kitchen for a pen, Lu Ban returns, bearing a big red cotton bag, printed with Chinese characters.
He glares at Arthur, and puts the bag down on the kitchen table.
Duck? says Olive Python, sniffing.
One for me and one for you, my lucky talisman, says Lu Ban.
They smell unusual, says Olive Python. Are they fresh?
I could only get cooked ones, says Lu Ban. I had to go all the way to Chinatown. These are honey glazed and roasted.
They smell amazing! says Rosamunda.
You can have mine, says Olive Python. I only eat live ones. Who will provide me with a live one?
I will, says Arthur.
You will not, says Lu Ban. I am the captain.
Tell him, Arthur, says Rosamunda.
I'm changing teams, says Arthur.
Lu Ban tries to keep his head together.
This leaves just him, and Gaius, who is absent, as team members of Everlasting Dragons.
And furthermore where is his Dragon Bicycle? It is missing from the kitchen.
Where's my Dragon Bicycle? says Lu Ban, staring icily at Arthur.
Outside, says Arthur. But there's been a minor incident.
Minor incident! cries Lu Ban. I'll give you minor incident!
Keep your hair on, says Arthur. It's just the special button. I accidentally pressed it.
Woah! You pressed it! says Janice. You're SO in trouble! What happened?
The ribbon fell off, says Arthur. It didn't seem that terrible.
Lu Ban is beside himself with fury. His lucky ribbon!
When Lu Ban is really angry he wants to bite something.
He rips open the red cotton bag and eats the first duck, then commences on the other.
You'll spoil your dinner, says Rosamunda.
This is my dinner, says Lu Ban.
No, no, says Rosamunda, you're having dinner with the Premier. Remember? You're meeting him at six o'clock.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Trouble In The Microhabitat
The Wooden Bird lands in Gaius's garden, back in Adelaide.
Phew! says Janice, climbing out. It's really really hot!
But it's normal isn't it? says Olive Python. I hope so. Where are my ducks and fruit bats?
Give us a chance to go inside, says Janice.
The back window is still broken. The back door unlocked.
Lu Ban, Janice and Olive Python go inside.
Rosamunda is sitting in the kitchen talking on the phone to Arthur.
Here they are now, says Rosamunda. I'll have to tell them.
What will you have to tell us? says Lu Ban. Where is my Dragon Bicycle?
Aaaah! cries Rosamunda, seeing Olive Python. It's a SNAKE!
Arthur on the other end is intrigued. A SNAKE . Perhaps he'll come back after all.
Don't worry, Rosamunda, says Janice. It's only Olive Python. She's very gentle. She likes eating ducks and fruit bats.
Well, she's going outside, says Rosamunda.
She stays with me, says Lu Ban. She's my talisman.
Then you're going outside too, says Rosamunda.
It's not your house, Rosamunda, says Janice. You should call Gaius. He might like Lu Ban to keep Olive in his house.
Rosamunda makes a call to Gaius. She wants to talk to him anyway.
Ring Ring.
Gaius answers, from the Pilbara.
Shhh! says Gaius. I'm observing.
Pardon? says Rosamunda. Do you realise Lu Ban and Janice have brought back a horrid Python. What are you observing?
Big Janis and I have spotted a Western Pebble-mound Mouse, says Gaius. Fascinating creature. It creates its own microhabitat.
A Western Pebble-mound Mouse! says Rosamunda. For goodness sake! Are you still out there Gaius! You ought to be on your way home by now.
Did he find one? asks Olive Python, peering up at Rosamunda.
What? says Rosamunda. Get away from me, you slimy creature.
Pythons are not slimy, says Olive Python. Would you like to feel me?
Shut up, says Rosamunda. I'm talking to Gaius. What's that, Gaius?
They scatter pebbles outside their burrows, says Gaius. And in the morning the air temperature heats up faster than the pebbles do. This causes condensation to form on the pebbles. Water, which the little mouse can then make use of. One cannot help but think Nature is marvellous.
Yes, says Rosamunda. I mean no. Whichever is the answer. But Gaius, do you want a snake inside?
Oh yes, that will be Olive Python, says Gaius. She eats ducks and fruit bats. I'll be home tomorrow, Rosamunda. I really need to get my team in order.
Mm, says Rosamunda. See you then then.
Did you say then-then? asks Janice.
Yes what of it? says Rosamunda. It's perfectly grammatical. Where's Lu Ban gone?
Out to look for ducks, says Janice.
She and Rosamunda hear someone moving outside the back door
Arthur comes in, looking like someone who has been riding a bicycle in forty five degree heat with a hangover, and furthermore, who has a guilty secret.
This doesn't augur well for the new team.
Phew! says Janice, climbing out. It's really really hot!
But it's normal isn't it? says Olive Python. I hope so. Where are my ducks and fruit bats?
Give us a chance to go inside, says Janice.
The back window is still broken. The back door unlocked.
Lu Ban, Janice and Olive Python go inside.
Rosamunda is sitting in the kitchen talking on the phone to Arthur.
Here they are now, says Rosamunda. I'll have to tell them.
What will you have to tell us? says Lu Ban. Where is my Dragon Bicycle?
Aaaah! cries Rosamunda, seeing Olive Python. It's a SNAKE!
Arthur on the other end is intrigued. A SNAKE . Perhaps he'll come back after all.
Don't worry, Rosamunda, says Janice. It's only Olive Python. She's very gentle. She likes eating ducks and fruit bats.
Well, she's going outside, says Rosamunda.
She stays with me, says Lu Ban. She's my talisman.
Then you're going outside too, says Rosamunda.
It's not your house, Rosamunda, says Janice. You should call Gaius. He might like Lu Ban to keep Olive in his house.
Rosamunda makes a call to Gaius. She wants to talk to him anyway.
Ring Ring.
Gaius answers, from the Pilbara.
Shhh! says Gaius. I'm observing.
Pardon? says Rosamunda. Do you realise Lu Ban and Janice have brought back a horrid Python. What are you observing?
Big Janis and I have spotted a Western Pebble-mound Mouse, says Gaius. Fascinating creature. It creates its own microhabitat.
A Western Pebble-mound Mouse! says Rosamunda. For goodness sake! Are you still out there Gaius! You ought to be on your way home by now.
Did he find one? asks Olive Python, peering up at Rosamunda.
What? says Rosamunda. Get away from me, you slimy creature.
Pythons are not slimy, says Olive Python. Would you like to feel me?
Shut up, says Rosamunda. I'm talking to Gaius. What's that, Gaius?
They scatter pebbles outside their burrows, says Gaius. And in the morning the air temperature heats up faster than the pebbles do. This causes condensation to form on the pebbles. Water, which the little mouse can then make use of. One cannot help but think Nature is marvellous.
Yes, says Rosamunda. I mean no. Whichever is the answer. But Gaius, do you want a snake inside?
Oh yes, that will be Olive Python, says Gaius. She eats ducks and fruit bats. I'll be home tomorrow, Rosamunda. I really need to get my team in order.
Mm, says Rosamunda. See you then then.
Did you say then-then? asks Janice.
Yes what of it? says Rosamunda. It's perfectly grammatical. Where's Lu Ban gone?
Out to look for ducks, says Janice.
She and Rosamunda hear someone moving outside the back door
Arthur comes in, looking like someone who has been riding a bicycle in forty five degree heat with a hangover, and furthermore, who has a guilty secret.
This doesn't augur well for the new team.
Monday, January 13, 2014
The Irresistible Lure Of Ducks and Fruit Bats
Lu Ban climbs into the Toyota.
Hey! says Professor Wacey. What's that tied around your waist?
Lu Ban settles himself in the back seat and doesn't answer.
Could it be our friend the Olive Python? says Gaius.
Friend no longer, hisses Olive Python.
Oh! cries Janice. It's alive. It's talking.
This won't do, says Professor Kranendonk. Lu Ban, I must ask you to release the python back into the environment.
Lu Ban is still not talking. And his face is turning blue.
He can't, says Janice.
This is true. Olive Python is squeezing Lu Ban tighter and tighter. His eyes are nearly popping out.
He may need medical attention, says Big Janis.
He will, says Olive Python.
They drive back to Marble Bar, and stop outside the Ironclad Hotel.
Olive Python twists her head up to stare Lu Ban in the face. He stares back blankly.
He's dead, says Olive Python. Awfully sorry.
She releases Lu Ban from her python grip.
Lucky he's immortal.
He gets out of the Toyota, the colour gradually returning to his face.
Olive Python, says Lu Ban, you have scored a minor victory. I salute you. From now on you shall be my lucky talisman.
What does that entail? asks Olive Python. Is there food in it?
Ducks aplenty, says Lu Ban.
Fruit bats? asks Olive Python hopefully.
Yes, says Janice. Fruit bats. But no rock wallabies.
What do I have to do? asks Olive Python.
Come back to Adelaide with me and Janice in my Wooden Bird, says Lu Ban. Here it is. Get in.
Olive Python looks at the Wooden Bird. It seems to need refreshing.
It needs refreshing, says Lu Ban.
It does, says Janice. The vines and tendrils are all stiff and crispy and the heat has shrivelled up the pumpkins.
You won't find butternut pumpkins out here, says Gaius. You will need to improvise. Perhaps spinifex? Acacia? However, I will leave you to it. I must make an early start.
He goes inside the Ironclad Hotel.
I guess I'm making an early start too, says Big Janis. Though I'm blowed if I know what for.
He goes inside.
We'd better be going, says Professor Wacey. Lots to do.
Yes, very nice to meet you all, says Professor Kranendonk. I hope you feel you've learned something.
I did, says Janice. Lu Ban didn't need to. And we gained a python. Cool.
Lu Ban is busy stuffing spinifex grass and acacia twigs into the dry cracks of his Wooden Bird. What an architect!
Soon he and Janice and Olive Python are rising into the sky above the Pilbara.
Flying back to Adelaide, with Lu Ban's contract, signed in pencil.
Hey! says Professor Wacey. What's that tied around your waist?
Lu Ban settles himself in the back seat and doesn't answer.
Could it be our friend the Olive Python? says Gaius.
Friend no longer, hisses Olive Python.
Oh! cries Janice. It's alive. It's talking.
This won't do, says Professor Kranendonk. Lu Ban, I must ask you to release the python back into the environment.
Lu Ban is still not talking. And his face is turning blue.
He can't, says Janice.
This is true. Olive Python is squeezing Lu Ban tighter and tighter. His eyes are nearly popping out.
He may need medical attention, says Big Janis.
He will, says Olive Python.
They drive back to Marble Bar, and stop outside the Ironclad Hotel.
Olive Python twists her head up to stare Lu Ban in the face. He stares back blankly.
He's dead, says Olive Python. Awfully sorry.
She releases Lu Ban from her python grip.
Lucky he's immortal.
He gets out of the Toyota, the colour gradually returning to his face.
Olive Python, says Lu Ban, you have scored a minor victory. I salute you. From now on you shall be my lucky talisman.
What does that entail? asks Olive Python. Is there food in it?
Ducks aplenty, says Lu Ban.
Fruit bats? asks Olive Python hopefully.
Yes, says Janice. Fruit bats. But no rock wallabies.
What do I have to do? asks Olive Python.
Come back to Adelaide with me and Janice in my Wooden Bird, says Lu Ban. Here it is. Get in.
Olive Python looks at the Wooden Bird. It seems to need refreshing.
It needs refreshing, says Lu Ban.
It does, says Janice. The vines and tendrils are all stiff and crispy and the heat has shrivelled up the pumpkins.
You won't find butternut pumpkins out here, says Gaius. You will need to improvise. Perhaps spinifex? Acacia? However, I will leave you to it. I must make an early start.
He goes inside the Ironclad Hotel.
I guess I'm making an early start too, says Big Janis. Though I'm blowed if I know what for.
He goes inside.
We'd better be going, says Professor Wacey. Lots to do.
Yes, very nice to meet you all, says Professor Kranendonk. I hope you feel you've learned something.
I did, says Janice. Lu Ban didn't need to. And we gained a python. Cool.
Lu Ban is busy stuffing spinifex grass and acacia twigs into the dry cracks of his Wooden Bird. What an architect!
Soon he and Janice and Olive Python are rising into the sky above the Pilbara.
Flying back to Adelaide, with Lu Ban's contract, signed in pencil.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
A Venomous Adversary
Leaving already? says Gaius, looking up from his notebook.
We saw a massive python! says Janice. All curled up. At least fifty metres long!
Not that long, says Big Janis. About four metres. Out here they can grow to as much as six.
We thought you'd seen it, says Professor Kranendonk.
No I hadn't, says Gaius, glancing at Lu Ban.
Lu Ban looks annoyingly superior, as though he had not tiptoed like the others.
It's a Pilbara Olive Python, says Big Janis.
Really, says Gaius. Mind waiting while I go and take a look?
Tch! says Big Janis. Don't disturb it.
I shall not disturb it, says Gaius. I shall observe it, and take notes.
I'll come with you, says Lu Ban, unexpectedly.
Suit yourself, says Gaius, getting down from the Toyota with his notebook and his little fish topped pencil.
Gaius and Lu Ban make their way over to the rock under which the Pilbara Olive Python is snoozing.
Crack! Gaius steps on a twig.
The Pilbara Olive Python opens one eye sleepily, spies the two men, and looks vaguely disappointed.
Nocturnal probably, says Gaius, writing something in his notebook.
That's good, says Lu Ban. It's sleepy. I hear brown snakes are poisonous. I shall kill it.
No, says Gaius. You shall not kill it.
Thank you, says the Pilbara Olive Python. I am not venomous. I am gentle and eat only ducks.
Only ducks? says Gaius. That sounds preposterous.
All right, I eat rock wallabies as well, says Olive Python.
You lied then, says Lu Ban.
I lied, says Olive Python. What of it? Now bugger off and leave me.
Wait! says Gaius, Are there any other interesting examples of Pilbara fauna in the vicinity?
How would I know? says Olive Python. I was sleeping.
I meant generally, says Gaius. I apologise.
I don't, says Lu Ban. I think we should kill you.
Olive Python ignores Lu Ban. Stupid posturing man, with his hair in that ridiculous top-knot.
She turns to Gaius.
If you care to get up very early in the morning, says Olive Python sweetly, you may catch sight of a Western Pebble-mound Mouse, enjoying her early morning tipple. Just look for the little mound of pebbles.
Thank you, Olive Python, says Gaius graciously. I'll do that. And now goodbye. We shall no longer disturb your slumbers.
He turns to walk back to the Toyota.
Lu Ban lingers.
Go, says Olive Python. Or I'll bite your balls off.
Lu Ban eyes her thoughtfully for a moment. Lunges forward. Picks her up in his bare hands and ties her round his waist in one quick movement. Pulls each end tightly.
Ow, says Olive Python. You horrid piece of shit. Undo me.
Not till you learn a lesson! says Lu Ban, striding back to the Toyota.........
We saw a massive python! says Janice. All curled up. At least fifty metres long!
Not that long, says Big Janis. About four metres. Out here they can grow to as much as six.
We thought you'd seen it, says Professor Kranendonk.
No I hadn't, says Gaius, glancing at Lu Ban.
Lu Ban looks annoyingly superior, as though he had not tiptoed like the others.
It's a Pilbara Olive Python, says Big Janis.
Really, says Gaius. Mind waiting while I go and take a look?
Tch! says Big Janis. Don't disturb it.
I shall not disturb it, says Gaius. I shall observe it, and take notes.
I'll come with you, says Lu Ban, unexpectedly.
Suit yourself, says Gaius, getting down from the Toyota with his notebook and his little fish topped pencil.
Gaius and Lu Ban make their way over to the rock under which the Pilbara Olive Python is snoozing.
Crack! Gaius steps on a twig.
The Pilbara Olive Python opens one eye sleepily, spies the two men, and looks vaguely disappointed.
Nocturnal probably, says Gaius, writing something in his notebook.
That's good, says Lu Ban. It's sleepy. I hear brown snakes are poisonous. I shall kill it.
No, says Gaius. You shall not kill it.
Thank you, says the Pilbara Olive Python. I am not venomous. I am gentle and eat only ducks.
Only ducks? says Gaius. That sounds preposterous.
All right, I eat rock wallabies as well, says Olive Python.
You lied then, says Lu Ban.
I lied, says Olive Python. What of it? Now bugger off and leave me.
Wait! says Gaius, Are there any other interesting examples of Pilbara fauna in the vicinity?
How would I know? says Olive Python. I was sleeping.
I meant generally, says Gaius. I apologise.
I don't, says Lu Ban. I think we should kill you.
Olive Python ignores Lu Ban. Stupid posturing man, with his hair in that ridiculous top-knot.
She turns to Gaius.
If you care to get up very early in the morning, says Olive Python sweetly, you may catch sight of a Western Pebble-mound Mouse, enjoying her early morning tipple. Just look for the little mound of pebbles.
Thank you, Olive Python, says Gaius graciously. I'll do that. And now goodbye. We shall no longer disturb your slumbers.
He turns to walk back to the Toyota.
Lu Ban lingers.
Go, says Olive Python. Or I'll bite your balls off.
Lu Ban eyes her thoughtfully for a moment. Lunges forward. Picks her up in his bare hands and ties her round his waist in one quick movement. Pulls each end tightly.
Ow, says Olive Python. You horrid piece of shit. Undo me.
Not till you learn a lesson! says Lu Ban, striding back to the Toyota.........
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Red Snakes Dragons Crabs Sea Monsters... Olive Python!
Soon everyone is chewing on red snakes. It seems there's no one in the world who doesn't like them.
Ha ha, laughs Professor Kranendonk. When you said 'any snakes?' Lu Ban, I thought you meant on Mars.
Me too, laughs Professor Wacey. As if that would happen.
No, says Lu Ban. I didn't mean that. But now we're on the subject, what about dragons?
Lu Ban is into dragons, says Janice. Every palace he designs, and even his new bicycle, they all have dragons on them.
Not on them, says Lu Ban, but incorporated into the essence of them. There is beauty in dragons. I got the idea originally from the Dragon King of the Eastern Ocean.
Oh I know, says Big Janice. I read about it. You went underwater to have a look at his Crystal Palace, and asked to borrow it for three days.
You are well informed, says Lu Ban. But it's my story. Let me tell it.
Only trying to help, mutters Big Janis.
Go on, Lu Ban, says Professor Wacey. Tell it.
The Dragon King had the Crystal Palace flown over by a team of dragons, says Lu Ban. Three days later they returned for it, but I needed more time. I'd nailed the Palace to the ground and the dragons failed to lift it. They returned to the ocean without the Crystal Palace.
The Dragon King would've been cross, says Janice.
Yes, Janice, says Lu Ban. He was angry. He sent more dragons, crabs, sea monsters. They had never seen a nail before, but they made an effort. Soon all the creatures gave up except the dragons, who kept straining to lift the Crystal Palace. Eventually the sun dried them out and they died from heat exhaustion.
So you got to keep the Palace? asks Professor Kranendonk.
No! says Lu Ban. I found the dried out twisted bodies of the dragons so impressive that I tore up my blueprints and began drawing up new plans for a series of Dragon Temples which became my signature. Just one of the many reasons I'm immortal.
Well done, says Professor Kranendonk. But I can assure you there are no dragons on Mars. Not these days anyway. However, may I draw your attention to that python over there.....?
Crikey! A Pilbara Olive Python!
They stand up gingerly and tiptoe to the Toyota.
All except Gaius, who is there already.
Ha ha, laughs Professor Kranendonk. When you said 'any snakes?' Lu Ban, I thought you meant on Mars.
Me too, laughs Professor Wacey. As if that would happen.
No, says Lu Ban. I didn't mean that. But now we're on the subject, what about dragons?
Lu Ban is into dragons, says Janice. Every palace he designs, and even his new bicycle, they all have dragons on them.
Not on them, says Lu Ban, but incorporated into the essence of them. There is beauty in dragons. I got the idea originally from the Dragon King of the Eastern Ocean.
Oh I know, says Big Janice. I read about it. You went underwater to have a look at his Crystal Palace, and asked to borrow it for three days.
You are well informed, says Lu Ban. But it's my story. Let me tell it.
Only trying to help, mutters Big Janis.
Go on, Lu Ban, says Professor Wacey. Tell it.
The Dragon King had the Crystal Palace flown over by a team of dragons, says Lu Ban. Three days later they returned for it, but I needed more time. I'd nailed the Palace to the ground and the dragons failed to lift it. They returned to the ocean without the Crystal Palace.
The Dragon King would've been cross, says Janice.
Yes, Janice, says Lu Ban. He was angry. He sent more dragons, crabs, sea monsters. They had never seen a nail before, but they made an effort. Soon all the creatures gave up except the dragons, who kept straining to lift the Crystal Palace. Eventually the sun dried them out and they died from heat exhaustion.
So you got to keep the Palace? asks Professor Kranendonk.
No! says Lu Ban. I found the dried out twisted bodies of the dragons so impressive that I tore up my blueprints and began drawing up new plans for a series of Dragon Temples which became my signature. Just one of the many reasons I'm immortal.
Well done, says Professor Kranendonk. But I can assure you there are no dragons on Mars. Not these days anyway. However, may I draw your attention to that python over there.....?
Crikey! A Pilbara Olive Python!
They stand up gingerly and tiptoe to the Toyota.
All except Gaius, who is there already.
Friday, January 10, 2014
One-upmanship Or Is There Life On Mars
This system, says Professor Kranendonk, is not just of interest for its own sake.
That's good, says Lu Ban. Because it's very hot out here. Is there any water?
Sure, says Professor Wacey. There's some in the Toyota. We'd never come out here without it.
He walks back to the Toyota to fetch some water.
As I was saying........ says Professor Kranendonk.
Yes, what? says Gaius. Not for its own sake? What then?
I'm very glad you asked, says Professor Kranendonk.
He asked? says Professor Wacey, coming back with several bottles of spring water.
He did, says Professor Kranendonk. Shall I answer, or shall you?
Up to you, says Professor Wacey. You're the astrobiologist and Eminent Speaker.
Even Lu Ban is now interested in the reason why the system is not just of interest for its own sake.
Life on Mars, says Professor Kranendonk, enigmatically. That's the reason.
Aha, says Big Janis, who has until now kept silent. At last he understands where this is going.
A system such as this one might provide a clue as to the ideal place to look for life on Mars, says Big Janice.
Janice looks proud. Her dad is proving clever.
Exactly, says Professor Kranendonk. You're quick on the uptake, Big Janis.
Gaius and Lu Ban both like to think that they are also quick on the uptake.
It is annoying to be pipped by someone of the calibre of Big Janis. What is he, a landscape gardener? Not a natural historian, a scientist, or an immortal.
There may well be evidence of rock microbes on Mars, says Professor Kranendonk. And wouldn't that be fascinating? Have you seen the photographs sent back by the rovers, Opportunity and Spirit ? There may at one time have been water......
Yes, says Gaius, swallowing his water. I have indeed seen those. Mars is very beautiful. Landscapes of rich aqueous blues and subtle violet hues, and small spheres packed with hematite.....
Any snakes? says Lu Ban.
Yes, says Janice, handing him the packet.
That's good, says Lu Ban. Because it's very hot out here. Is there any water?
Sure, says Professor Wacey. There's some in the Toyota. We'd never come out here without it.
He walks back to the Toyota to fetch some water.
As I was saying........ says Professor Kranendonk.
Yes, what? says Gaius. Not for its own sake? What then?
I'm very glad you asked, says Professor Kranendonk.
He asked? says Professor Wacey, coming back with several bottles of spring water.
He did, says Professor Kranendonk. Shall I answer, or shall you?
Up to you, says Professor Wacey. You're the astrobiologist and Eminent Speaker.
Even Lu Ban is now interested in the reason why the system is not just of interest for its own sake.
Life on Mars, says Professor Kranendonk, enigmatically. That's the reason.
Aha, says Big Janis, who has until now kept silent. At last he understands where this is going.
A system such as this one might provide a clue as to the ideal place to look for life on Mars, says Big Janice.
Janice looks proud. Her dad is proving clever.
Exactly, says Professor Kranendonk. You're quick on the uptake, Big Janis.
Gaius and Lu Ban both like to think that they are also quick on the uptake.
It is annoying to be pipped by someone of the calibre of Big Janis. What is he, a landscape gardener? Not a natural historian, a scientist, or an immortal.
There may well be evidence of rock microbes on Mars, says Professor Kranendonk. And wouldn't that be fascinating? Have you seen the photographs sent back by the rovers, Opportunity and Spirit ? There may at one time have been water......
Yes, says Gaius, swallowing his water. I have indeed seen those. Mars is very beautiful. Landscapes of rich aqueous blues and subtle violet hues, and small spheres packed with hematite.....
Any snakes? says Lu Ban.
Yes, says Janice, handing him the packet.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Immortality Has Only One Direction
Professor Kranendonk has another go.
You've surely heard of viruses and fungi?
But Lu Ban shakes his head. He has paid scant attention to microbiology.
Then, says Professor Kranendonk, (ever the educator), you are in for a treat, Mr Lu Ban.
I'll say, agrees Profesor Wacey. We are going to see some of the earth's most ancient microbes in these rocks.
Not the actual microbes, says Big Janis.
Well no, of course not, just the evidence, says Professor Wacey. You can't see the cells any more, but you can see....
Carboniferous material, which is the remnants, says Big Janis.
This does not sound so interesting, says Lu Ban. We shall take our leave now. Come on Janice.
I thought you were supposed to be immortal, says Gaius.
No supposed about it, says Lu Ban. What is your implication?
I mean to imply, says Gaius, that life is long for an immortal, and I question why you are in such a hurry.
Lu Ban is piqued.
Is he in a hurry? No of course not. Very well then, he and Janice will inspect the remnants of these things no one can see.
They go outside.
There is the Wooden Bird, its tendrils drooping, vine leaves jaded.
My, my, says Gaius. Is that a butternut pumpkin? I grow those at home.
Not any more, says Janice.
Gaius does not hear her.
They all pile into the Toyota, and head off in a westerly direction towards the Dresser Formation.
.......
Here we are, says Professor Wacey. Now it's very hot so we must all use sunshades.
My wife invented these, says Lu Ban. Did you know that, Janice?
Wow, says Janice. And was she pretty?
Is that really relevant, Janice? says Big Janis. She was an inventor, that's the main thing.
She was very pretty, says Lu Ban. But your father has much wisdom, Janice.
I know, says Janice. He taught me how to spot a dolphin.
The two professors know exactly where they are going. Professor Wacey has been there quite recently. Professor Kranendonk, several years before.
Here we are,says Professor Wacey. Look closely, Gaius. See these dark lines in the sediment. These are the remnants of the cells. When they were alive they interacted with the sediment creating little communities that cooperated to survive.
Wondrous! says Gaius. You see, Lu Ban? These are three and a half billion year old structures. What do you make of that?
Lu Ban is making something of it. He is a philosopher among his other occupations.
Impressive says Lu Ban, peering at the tiny domes and wrinkles. Immortality stretches before me, but in one direction.
Are you sure, says Gaius?
I love One Direction, says Janice.
Lu Ban, Gaius and Janice are straying beyond the realms of geophysics. Professor Kranendonk thinks its time to bring them back.
You've surely heard of viruses and fungi?
But Lu Ban shakes his head. He has paid scant attention to microbiology.
Then, says Professor Kranendonk, (ever the educator), you are in for a treat, Mr Lu Ban.
I'll say, agrees Profesor Wacey. We are going to see some of the earth's most ancient microbes in these rocks.
Not the actual microbes, says Big Janis.
Well no, of course not, just the evidence, says Professor Wacey. You can't see the cells any more, but you can see....
Carboniferous material, which is the remnants, says Big Janis.
This does not sound so interesting, says Lu Ban. We shall take our leave now. Come on Janice.
I thought you were supposed to be immortal, says Gaius.
No supposed about it, says Lu Ban. What is your implication?
I mean to imply, says Gaius, that life is long for an immortal, and I question why you are in such a hurry.
Lu Ban is piqued.
Is he in a hurry? No of course not. Very well then, he and Janice will inspect the remnants of these things no one can see.
They go outside.
There is the Wooden Bird, its tendrils drooping, vine leaves jaded.
My, my, says Gaius. Is that a butternut pumpkin? I grow those at home.
Not any more, says Janice.
Gaius does not hear her.
They all pile into the Toyota, and head off in a westerly direction towards the Dresser Formation.
.......
Here we are, says Professor Wacey. Now it's very hot so we must all use sunshades.
My wife invented these, says Lu Ban. Did you know that, Janice?
Wow, says Janice. And was she pretty?
Is that really relevant, Janice? says Big Janis. She was an inventor, that's the main thing.
She was very pretty, says Lu Ban. But your father has much wisdom, Janice.
I know, says Janice. He taught me how to spot a dolphin.
The two professors know exactly where they are going. Professor Wacey has been there quite recently. Professor Kranendonk, several years before.
Here we are,says Professor Wacey. Look closely, Gaius. See these dark lines in the sediment. These are the remnants of the cells. When they were alive they interacted with the sediment creating little communities that cooperated to survive.
Wondrous! says Gaius. You see, Lu Ban? These are three and a half billion year old structures. What do you make of that?
Lu Ban is making something of it. He is a philosopher among his other occupations.
Impressive says Lu Ban, peering at the tiny domes and wrinkles. Immortality stretches before me, but in one direction.
Are you sure, says Gaius?
I love One Direction, says Janice.
Lu Ban, Gaius and Janice are straying beyond the realms of geophysics. Professor Kranendonk thinks its time to bring them back.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
The Demon Proves Doubly Reliable
Gaius and Big Janis are sitting on bar stools in the Ironclad Hotel, feeling gloomy.
If we just had my notebook, says Gaius, I'd call them.
Big Janis orders another round of beer.
We could go out there without them, says Big Janis. I know where it is.....
The door opens. In walks Lu Ban, followed by Janice.
Janice! says Big Janis. What are you doing here? And who's this?
Dad! says Janice. We've brought the contract for Gaius to sign. We're just passing.
Just passing! says Big Janis. How did you get here?
In Lu Ban's Wooden Bird, says Janice. This is Lu Ban.
Gaius starts up from his gloom-induced reverie. Lu Ban! Did I hear the name of my nemesis?
I am Lu Ban, says Lu Ban. You must be Gaius. Please sign this, so we can leave. Our Wooden Bird is already wilting. Janice, the contract.
Janice thrusts the notebook at Gaius.
Wonderful! My notebook, says Gaius. Janice, you have proved yourself most reliable.
More reliable than Arthur? says Janice.
In this one case, yes, says Gaius. More reliable. Now what's this about signing?
Errrm, says Janice. It's just a receipt for the notebook. Sign here.
Gaius signs with a flourish, using his fish-topped lead pencil. He's had it for years. My goodness, it gets shorter and shorter.
Janice tears out the page with the contract which Gaius has signed. She hands it to Lu Ban.
Janice, says Lu Ban approvingly. You are more than reliable. You've outdone even Rosamunda.
I know, says Janice. It's my dream.
It is also my dream, says Lu Ban. Shall we go now?
They turn to leave, when in come the two professors, who until now have been standing outside the hotel examining the vine leaves and tendrils of butternut pumpkin of which the Wooden Bird is constructed.
They can't quite see how it was done.
Gaius! says Professor Wacey. Gaius P. Secundus! says Professor Kranendonk, more formally.
I didn't think you were coming, says Gaius. But now you're both here. And so is my notebook. Shall we head out to look at these microbes?
It's rather hot, says Professor Wacey.
But I don't have all that long, says Gaius. I have to get back for the Tour Down Under. I'm captain of Team Provenance or what ever we call it these days.
Lu Ban smirks at Janice.
Let Gaius think he is captain of a team that no longer exists under that foppish name.
All right, says Professor Wacey. We'll head out to the Dresser Formation. Will you come with us in the Toyota? What about your friends here?
Oh can we, Lu Ban? pleads Janice. I so LOVE microbes.
Microbes? says Lu Ban. What are they anyway? I don't know any microbes.
Oh yes you do, says Professor Kranendonk. You may think you don't. Have you heard of bacteria?
No, says Lu Ban.
Professor Kranendonk is taken aback. He has asked that of many enquirers.
If we just had my notebook, says Gaius, I'd call them.
Big Janis orders another round of beer.
We could go out there without them, says Big Janis. I know where it is.....
The door opens. In walks Lu Ban, followed by Janice.
Janice! says Big Janis. What are you doing here? And who's this?
Dad! says Janice. We've brought the contract for Gaius to sign. We're just passing.
Just passing! says Big Janis. How did you get here?
In Lu Ban's Wooden Bird, says Janice. This is Lu Ban.
Gaius starts up from his gloom-induced reverie. Lu Ban! Did I hear the name of my nemesis?
I am Lu Ban, says Lu Ban. You must be Gaius. Please sign this, so we can leave. Our Wooden Bird is already wilting. Janice, the contract.
Janice thrusts the notebook at Gaius.
Wonderful! My notebook, says Gaius. Janice, you have proved yourself most reliable.
More reliable than Arthur? says Janice.
In this one case, yes, says Gaius. More reliable. Now what's this about signing?
Errrm, says Janice. It's just a receipt for the notebook. Sign here.
Gaius signs with a flourish, using his fish-topped lead pencil. He's had it for years. My goodness, it gets shorter and shorter.
Janice tears out the page with the contract which Gaius has signed. She hands it to Lu Ban.
Janice, says Lu Ban approvingly. You are more than reliable. You've outdone even Rosamunda.
I know, says Janice. It's my dream.
It is also my dream, says Lu Ban. Shall we go now?
They turn to leave, when in come the two professors, who until now have been standing outside the hotel examining the vine leaves and tendrils of butternut pumpkin of which the Wooden Bird is constructed.
They can't quite see how it was done.
Gaius! says Professor Wacey. Gaius P. Secundus! says Professor Kranendonk, more formally.
I didn't think you were coming, says Gaius. But now you're both here. And so is my notebook. Shall we head out to look at these microbes?
It's rather hot, says Professor Wacey.
But I don't have all that long, says Gaius. I have to get back for the Tour Down Under. I'm captain of Team Provenance or what ever we call it these days.
Lu Ban smirks at Janice.
Let Gaius think he is captain of a team that no longer exists under that foppish name.
All right, says Professor Wacey. We'll head out to the Dresser Formation. Will you come with us in the Toyota? What about your friends here?
Oh can we, Lu Ban? pleads Janice. I so LOVE microbes.
Microbes? says Lu Ban. What are they anyway? I don't know any microbes.
Oh yes you do, says Professor Kranendonk. You may think you don't. Have you heard of bacteria?
No, says Lu Ban.
Professor Kranendonk is taken aback. He has asked that of many enquirers.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
In Dreams Things Dovetail Beautifully
It's night time. Janice goes to sleep in one of the bedrooms. She dreams of flying.
The Wooden Bird is finished, fashioned out of sticks, vine leaves and tendrils of butternut pumpkin. She and Lu Ban get in.
They rise and fly away towards the Pilbara.
On and on they fly, crossing various flight paths. It is not like the old days, thinks Lu Ban
Wait a minute, this dream belongs to Janice.
How does it know what Lu Ban is thinking?
Lu Ban, too, has gone to sleep in one of the bedrooms.
The same one as Janice. But he lies on the floor.
As they fly towards the Pilbara, Lu Ban tells Janice a story. The story of his first Wooden Bird. Of how he flew home secretly to visit his wife half way across China, and flew back undetected.
And Janice wonders, what is the point of the story? Because Lu Ban says nothing about the resulting baby, out of delicacy, because Janice is only thirteen.
Soon they arrive in a section of airspace above the Pilbara.
Where to now? says Lu Ban. Any ideas?
Janice consults Gaius's note book. It's there in black and white.
Marble Bar, says Janice. The Ironclad Hotel.
In dreams things generally dovetail beautifully.
The Wooden Bird lands outside the hotel....
......just as the two professors roll up in a dusty old Toyota.
The professors are astonished.
Butternut pumpkin! says Professor Wacey. Never thought I'd see that out here. Wherever they've come from, they won't be going back in a hurry.
And truly, the heat is a problem.
Lu Ban drags the Wooden Bird into the shade.
The Wooden Bird is finished, fashioned out of sticks, vine leaves and tendrils of butternut pumpkin. She and Lu Ban get in.
They rise and fly away towards the Pilbara.
On and on they fly, crossing various flight paths. It is not like the old days, thinks Lu Ban
Wait a minute, this dream belongs to Janice.
How does it know what Lu Ban is thinking?
Lu Ban, too, has gone to sleep in one of the bedrooms.
The same one as Janice. But he lies on the floor.
As they fly towards the Pilbara, Lu Ban tells Janice a story. The story of his first Wooden Bird. Of how he flew home secretly to visit his wife half way across China, and flew back undetected.
And Janice wonders, what is the point of the story? Because Lu Ban says nothing about the resulting baby, out of delicacy, because Janice is only thirteen.
Soon they arrive in a section of airspace above the Pilbara.
Where to now? says Lu Ban. Any ideas?
Janice consults Gaius's note book. It's there in black and white.
Marble Bar, says Janice. The Ironclad Hotel.
In dreams things generally dovetail beautifully.
The Wooden Bird lands outside the hotel....
......just as the two professors roll up in a dusty old Toyota.
The professors are astonished.
Butternut pumpkin! says Professor Wacey. Never thought I'd see that out here. Wherever they've come from, they won't be going back in a hurry.
And truly, the heat is a problem.
Lu Ban drags the Wooden Bird into the shade.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Converging On The Pilbara
But Arthur does go out, on Gaius's bicycle, leaving Lu Ban ranting.
He'll pay for this, growls Lu Ban, biting off the head of his fifth or sixth red snake.
I think you'll find he won't, says Rosamunda. But it doesn't matter. I'll write the contract.
But who will sign it? says Lu Ban grumpily.
You, says Janice. Oh, you mean who else?
Yes little demon, says Lu Ban, heavily. My team disintegrates around me.
You can fix it, says Janice. You're the great Lu Ban, maker of the Dragon Bicycle, captain of Everlasting Dragons.
Gaius will sign it, says Rosamunda. As soon as he gets back from the Pilbara.
If he gets back, says Janice. He's gone with dad to look for three billion year old microbes.
Just three? says Lu Ban, puzzled
Three billion, silly, says Janice.
Lu Ban laughs. That Janice is a prankster.
What is this Pilbara? says Lu Ban. I shall go there.
Rosamunda looks up from the contract which she is writing on an empty page in Gaius's notebook.
You don't have time, says Rosamunda. You have commitments. There's the meeting with the premier...
Lu Ban goes where he wants to, says Lu Ban. And time is not a problem. I shall fly there. Just tell me where it is.
Ha ha, says Rosamunda. Very funny. I suppose you're thinking of that Wooden Bird. You didn't bring it.
I am the carpenter immortal, says Lu Ban. Architect, engineer, philosopher and soldier. Inventor of the cloud ladder. I can put together a Wooden Bird in no time. Who's coming with me?
Me! says Janice, forgetting that her dad is in the Pilbara.
Then she remembers that her dad is in the Pilbara.
Not me, says Janice.
Now she remembers that Arthur has gone to the Barossa. Just ridden off and left her. Selfish pig.
Yes, me after all, says Janice. Are you coming, Rosamunda?
No, says Rosamunda. I'll stay here and guard the Dragon Bicycle. This house has a broken window, remember.
It's all decided.
Lu Ban goes out the back with Janice, to build his Wooden Bird, while Rosamunda puts the finishing touches to the contract.
...........
Meanwhile, Professor Martin Van Kranendonk receives a call from Professor David Wacey.
Martin, says Professor Wacey. Have you heard from Gaius? Just asking.
No, says Professor Kranendonk. He's probably lost our numbers. He's a bit forgetful. And I don't have his. But I'm thinking I'll go up there anyway.
Rightio, says Professor Wacey. I don't have his number either. So I'll see you in Marble Bar tomorrow. Bring your umbrella.
Ha ha, says Professor Kranendonk. You mean my sunshade.
Geez, says Professor Wacey. What a time of year to be heading off up there........We must be crazy.
Yeah, says Professor Kranendonk. Rocks in our heads. See you tomorrow!
He'll pay for this, growls Lu Ban, biting off the head of his fifth or sixth red snake.
I think you'll find he won't, says Rosamunda. But it doesn't matter. I'll write the contract.
But who will sign it? says Lu Ban grumpily.
You, says Janice. Oh, you mean who else?
Yes little demon, says Lu Ban, heavily. My team disintegrates around me.
You can fix it, says Janice. You're the great Lu Ban, maker of the Dragon Bicycle, captain of Everlasting Dragons.
Gaius will sign it, says Rosamunda. As soon as he gets back from the Pilbara.
If he gets back, says Janice. He's gone with dad to look for three billion year old microbes.
Just three? says Lu Ban, puzzled
Three billion, silly, says Janice.
Lu Ban laughs. That Janice is a prankster.
What is this Pilbara? says Lu Ban. I shall go there.
Rosamunda looks up from the contract which she is writing on an empty page in Gaius's notebook.
You don't have time, says Rosamunda. You have commitments. There's the meeting with the premier...
Lu Ban goes where he wants to, says Lu Ban. And time is not a problem. I shall fly there. Just tell me where it is.
Ha ha, says Rosamunda. Very funny. I suppose you're thinking of that Wooden Bird. You didn't bring it.
I am the carpenter immortal, says Lu Ban. Architect, engineer, philosopher and soldier. Inventor of the cloud ladder. I can put together a Wooden Bird in no time. Who's coming with me?
Me! says Janice, forgetting that her dad is in the Pilbara.
Then she remembers that her dad is in the Pilbara.
Not me, says Janice.
Now she remembers that Arthur has gone to the Barossa. Just ridden off and left her. Selfish pig.
Yes, me after all, says Janice. Are you coming, Rosamunda?
No, says Rosamunda. I'll stay here and guard the Dragon Bicycle. This house has a broken window, remember.
It's all decided.
Lu Ban goes out the back with Janice, to build his Wooden Bird, while Rosamunda puts the finishing touches to the contract.
...........
Meanwhile, Professor Martin Van Kranendonk receives a call from Professor David Wacey.
Martin, says Professor Wacey. Have you heard from Gaius? Just asking.
No, says Professor Kranendonk. He's probably lost our numbers. He's a bit forgetful. And I don't have his. But I'm thinking I'll go up there anyway.
Rightio, says Professor Wacey. I don't have his number either. So I'll see you in Marble Bar tomorrow. Bring your umbrella.
Ha ha, says Professor Kranendonk. You mean my sunshade.
Geez, says Professor Wacey. What a time of year to be heading off up there........We must be crazy.
Yeah, says Professor Kranendonk. Rocks in our heads. See you tomorrow!
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Clash Of Cultures
Did you say Wu? Lu Ban asks Janice.
No, I said Woo, says Janice. It sounds the same. I was admiring how you swallow.
That's nothing, says Lu Ban. You should see me eating noodles. Rosamunda! Are there any noodles?
Rosamunda looks in the pantry.
Gaius doesn't eat noodles, says Arthur.
Arthur eyes Lu Ban. Look at him sitting there asking for noodles. Next he'll be sending someone out to buy a packet.
But Lu Ban is happy just to sit and eat red snakes with Janice.
Who's going to be the captain? says Janice, staring deeply into Lu Ban's eyes. You or Arthur?
Not me, says Arthur. I've never been the captain. It's Gaius.
It's me, says Lu Ban. It's in my contract.
Arthur, says Rosamunda, have you written up the contract?
No, says Arthur. What does he want in it?
The captaincy, and team naming rights, says Rosamunda. The team is to be called Everlasting Dragons. And.....
And....? says Arthur.
I must wear the yellow jersey, says Lu Ban.
Arthur snorts with ill-concealed derision.
That doesn't need to be written into the contract!
Write it! says Lu Ban.
No, says Arthur. It's ridiculous. Whoever wins wears the yellow jersey.
That will be me, says Lu Ban. No doubt about it. Write it in.
Arthur opens a drawer. He looks for a piece of paper. Ah! a notebook.
He flicks it open. It's full of notes about stromatolites and wavy laminates. A name, and some addresses.
Professor David Wacey, University of WA. Professor Martin Van Kranendonk. The Ironclad Hotel, Marble Bar....
Some dates, some telephone numbers.
Gaius must have forgotten his notebook. What a chump.
The phone rings.
Will it be Gaius? No, it's Sweezus.
Arthur, man! says Sweezus. Want to ride out to the Barossa? We can practice Mengler's Hill. And then get wasted.
Sure, says Arthur. Count me in. I'll be there in ten minutes.
He heads for the door.
Where do you think you're going? roars Lu Ban.
Out, says Arthur.
Total obedience, says Lu Ban. Strict discipline. Team secrecy. You don't go out.
No, I said Woo, says Janice. It sounds the same. I was admiring how you swallow.
That's nothing, says Lu Ban. You should see me eating noodles. Rosamunda! Are there any noodles?
Rosamunda looks in the pantry.
Gaius doesn't eat noodles, says Arthur.
Arthur eyes Lu Ban. Look at him sitting there asking for noodles. Next he'll be sending someone out to buy a packet.
But Lu Ban is happy just to sit and eat red snakes with Janice.
Who's going to be the captain? says Janice, staring deeply into Lu Ban's eyes. You or Arthur?
Not me, says Arthur. I've never been the captain. It's Gaius.
It's me, says Lu Ban. It's in my contract.
Arthur, says Rosamunda, have you written up the contract?
No, says Arthur. What does he want in it?
The captaincy, and team naming rights, says Rosamunda. The team is to be called Everlasting Dragons. And.....
And....? says Arthur.
I must wear the yellow jersey, says Lu Ban.
Arthur snorts with ill-concealed derision.
That doesn't need to be written into the contract!
Write it! says Lu Ban.
No, says Arthur. It's ridiculous. Whoever wins wears the yellow jersey.
That will be me, says Lu Ban. No doubt about it. Write it in.
Arthur opens a drawer. He looks for a piece of paper. Ah! a notebook.
He flicks it open. It's full of notes about stromatolites and wavy laminates. A name, and some addresses.
Professor David Wacey, University of WA. Professor Martin Van Kranendonk. The Ironclad Hotel, Marble Bar....
Some dates, some telephone numbers.
Gaius must have forgotten his notebook. What a chump.
The phone rings.
Will it be Gaius? No, it's Sweezus.
Arthur, man! says Sweezus. Want to ride out to the Barossa? We can practice Mengler's Hill. And then get wasted.
Sure, says Arthur. Count me in. I'll be there in ten minutes.
He heads for the door.
Where do you think you're going? roars Lu Ban.
Out, says Arthur.
Total obedience, says Lu Ban. Strict discipline. Team secrecy. You don't go out.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
A Requirement Of Total Obedience
Vello and David come into the office just as Belle is explaining to Sweezus that Lu Ban cannot be a Samurai.
He's Chinese, says Belle et Bonne . Only Japanese can be Samurai. I thought you'd know that.
What's this about Samurai? says Vello cheerfully.
Nothing apparently, says Sweezus, But we're dead meat all the same.
We've just seen Lu Ban's new bicycle, papa, says Belle et Bonne. He brought it in here.
Vello's eyes light up. You've seen it?
Yeah, we've seen it, says Sweezus. He'll kill us.
We don't know that, says Belle et Bonne.
There's a rule of law in this country, says David.
Exactly, says Vello. Now, spill the beans.
Dragon's head incorporated into the frame, says Sweezus, all technically aerodynamic. Weapons packed inside. You can see 'em.
Extraordinary! says David. Weapons? He'll be disqualified.
Depends, says Vello. Are they real, or are they some sort of Chinese illusion?
Real as, says Sweezus.
Are you certain? says David. Do you have empirical evidence?
A button that mustn't be pressed, says Belle et Bonne. We heard him tell Janice not to.
He told Janice not to? says Vello.
Silence. Everyone has the same thought.
...........
Arthur, Rosamunda, Lu Ban and Janice have arrived at Gaius's house.
Arthur goes round the back.
Tinkle, tinkle. Sounds like glass breaking.
He opens the front door.
Nice red bow, says Lu Ban admiring the red velvet bow on the door.
Funny old Gaius, says Rosamunda. So this is his house?
Yes, says Arthur. Make yourselves at home.
Lu Ban wheels the dragon bicycle gingerly down the passage into the kitchen, with Janice still on it.
Janice is fingering something.
Slap!
Don't touch! says Lu Ban.
Arthur turns round.
The button, says Lu Ban. No one touches the button.
I wasn't, says Janice.
You were, says Lu Ban.
What does the button do? whispers Arthur to Rosamunda.
I can't tell you, whispers Rosamunda. But you can only do it once.
Isn't that a design flaw? whispers Arthur.
Lu Ban requires total obedience, says Rosamunda. So it isn't.
Arthur thinks about total obedience, as required by Lu Ban.
Let him require it.
Lu Ban sits down at the table.
What's to eat? says Lu Ban.
Arthur opens the fridge.
Cheese, says Arthur.
I never eat cheese, says Lu Ban.
I've got red snakes, says Janice. Want one?
Thank you, little demon, says Lu Ban, taking a snake, throwing back his head, and swallowing it whole in one movement.
Woo, says Janice.
He's Chinese, says Belle et Bonne . Only Japanese can be Samurai. I thought you'd know that.
What's this about Samurai? says Vello cheerfully.
Nothing apparently, says Sweezus, But we're dead meat all the same.
We've just seen Lu Ban's new bicycle, papa, says Belle et Bonne. He brought it in here.
Vello's eyes light up. You've seen it?
Yeah, we've seen it, says Sweezus. He'll kill us.
We don't know that, says Belle et Bonne.
There's a rule of law in this country, says David.
Exactly, says Vello. Now, spill the beans.
Dragon's head incorporated into the frame, says Sweezus, all technically aerodynamic. Weapons packed inside. You can see 'em.
Extraordinary! says David. Weapons? He'll be disqualified.
Depends, says Vello. Are they real, or are they some sort of Chinese illusion?
Real as, says Sweezus.
Are you certain? says David. Do you have empirical evidence?
A button that mustn't be pressed, says Belle et Bonne. We heard him tell Janice not to.
He told Janice not to? says Vello.
Silence. Everyone has the same thought.
...........
Arthur, Rosamunda, Lu Ban and Janice have arrived at Gaius's house.
Arthur goes round the back.
Tinkle, tinkle. Sounds like glass breaking.
He opens the front door.
Nice red bow, says Lu Ban admiring the red velvet bow on the door.
Funny old Gaius, says Rosamunda. So this is his house?
Yes, says Arthur. Make yourselves at home.
Lu Ban wheels the dragon bicycle gingerly down the passage into the kitchen, with Janice still on it.
Janice is fingering something.
Slap!
Don't touch! says Lu Ban.
Arthur turns round.
The button, says Lu Ban. No one touches the button.
I wasn't, says Janice.
You were, says Lu Ban.
What does the button do? whispers Arthur to Rosamunda.
I can't tell you, whispers Rosamunda. But you can only do it once.
Isn't that a design flaw? whispers Arthur.
Lu Ban requires total obedience, says Rosamunda. So it isn't.
Arthur thinks about total obedience, as required by Lu Ban.
Let him require it.
Lu Ban sits down at the table.
What's to eat? says Lu Ban.
Arthur opens the fridge.
Cheese, says Arthur.
I never eat cheese, says Lu Ban.
I've got red snakes, says Janice. Want one?
Thank you, little demon, says Lu Ban, taking a snake, throwing back his head, and swallowing it whole in one movement.
Woo, says Janice.
Friday, January 3, 2014
A Freakin' Samurai
Gaius and Big Janis are flying to Port Hedland.
Doubts beset Gaius. It has all been a bit of a rush.
He takes out his notebook. Nothing in it. Oh no. He's packed the wrong one.
What's up? says Big Janis. You look like you swallowed a blowfly.
I should have brought Arthur, says Gaius. He would have packed the right notebook.
This is patent nonsense. But Big Janis is not to know that. He is hurt.
Arthur has to practice his cycling, says Big Janis. I would have packed the right notebook, if I knew which one it was. What was in it?
My notes about laminates and stromatolites, says Gaius. And the name of my contact, Professor Someone.... or was it Associate Professor Someone......? Oh dear....
We landscape gardeners know all about laminates and stromatolites, says Big Janis. Don't worry.
This is not what Gaius wants to hear.
...........
Arthur, Sweezus, Belle and Janice are in the Velosophy office, eating crackers and cheese.
There is a knock on the door.
Come in, says Belle et Bonne. The door's open.
Surprise! In comes Rosamunda, with Lu Ban, who is wheeling a bike.
And what a bike! Nothing like the original prototype. Lu Ban has excelled himself here. The head of the dragon has been cunningly incorporated into the frame of the bicycle, which is transparent, revealing dangerous weaponry fitted snugly inside .
What do you think? says Rosamunda. Isn't this the best bicycle ever? Meet our new captain, Lu Ban.
So this is Lu Ban, says Belle et Bonne. Hello Lu Ban, we've heard so much about you. But really, you shouldn't be here. At least, not with that bicycle.
Lu Ban looks astonished.
They're our rivals, says Arthur. This is their office.
Lu Ban understands English, as anyone does, who is immortal.
His brow darkens. He will now have to kill certain people.
Which ones are the rivals? says Lu Ban.
Me, says Sweezus. I'm in Team Philosophe. And Belle here, her dad Vello's the captain.
I'm adopted, says Belle et Bonne quickly.
This means little to Lu Ban. She will have to go too. .
Sorry, says Rosamunda. Didn't realise. Arthur, where's our team headquarters?
Arthur supposes it must be Gaius's house. He doesn't have the key, but that won't be a problem.
Come with me, says Arthur.
And me, says Janice.
No, not you, says Arthur.
Then my life's in danger, says Janice.
Come little one, says Lu Ban. Lu Ban loves children. You can have a piggy ride on my bicycle. Just don't touch that button.
Sweezus looks at Belle significantly. A button that mustn't be touched!.
Lu Ban lifts Janice onto the dragon seat of the dragon bicycle. A red ribbon dangles behind. He wheels Janice to the door.
Janice! says Belle et Bonne.
What? says Janice, disappearing.
I'll call you, shouts Belle et Bonne, to the air.....
Woah, heavy, says Sweezus, taking a handful of crackers. What happens now? That guy's a freakin' SAMURAI and we've spied on his secret dragon bicycle. We're dead meat.
Doubts beset Gaius. It has all been a bit of a rush.
He takes out his notebook. Nothing in it. Oh no. He's packed the wrong one.
What's up? says Big Janis. You look like you swallowed a blowfly.
I should have brought Arthur, says Gaius. He would have packed the right notebook.
This is patent nonsense. But Big Janis is not to know that. He is hurt.
Arthur has to practice his cycling, says Big Janis. I would have packed the right notebook, if I knew which one it was. What was in it?
My notes about laminates and stromatolites, says Gaius. And the name of my contact, Professor Someone.... or was it Associate Professor Someone......? Oh dear....
We landscape gardeners know all about laminates and stromatolites, says Big Janis. Don't worry.
This is not what Gaius wants to hear.
...........
Arthur, Sweezus, Belle and Janice are in the Velosophy office, eating crackers and cheese.
There is a knock on the door.
Come in, says Belle et Bonne. The door's open.
Surprise! In comes Rosamunda, with Lu Ban, who is wheeling a bike.
And what a bike! Nothing like the original prototype. Lu Ban has excelled himself here. The head of the dragon has been cunningly incorporated into the frame of the bicycle, which is transparent, revealing dangerous weaponry fitted snugly inside .
What do you think? says Rosamunda. Isn't this the best bicycle ever? Meet our new captain, Lu Ban.
So this is Lu Ban, says Belle et Bonne. Hello Lu Ban, we've heard so much about you. But really, you shouldn't be here. At least, not with that bicycle.
Lu Ban looks astonished.
They're our rivals, says Arthur. This is their office.
Lu Ban understands English, as anyone does, who is immortal.
His brow darkens. He will now have to kill certain people.
Which ones are the rivals? says Lu Ban.
Me, says Sweezus. I'm in Team Philosophe. And Belle here, her dad Vello's the captain.
I'm adopted, says Belle et Bonne quickly.
This means little to Lu Ban. She will have to go too. .
Sorry, says Rosamunda. Didn't realise. Arthur, where's our team headquarters?
Arthur supposes it must be Gaius's house. He doesn't have the key, but that won't be a problem.
Come with me, says Arthur.
And me, says Janice.
No, not you, says Arthur.
Then my life's in danger, says Janice.
Come little one, says Lu Ban. Lu Ban loves children. You can have a piggy ride on my bicycle. Just don't touch that button.
Sweezus looks at Belle significantly. A button that mustn't be touched!.
Lu Ban lifts Janice onto the dragon seat of the dragon bicycle. A red ribbon dangles behind. He wheels Janice to the door.
Janice! says Belle et Bonne.
What? says Janice, disappearing.
I'll call you, shouts Belle et Bonne, to the air.....
Woah, heavy, says Sweezus, taking a handful of crackers. What happens now? That guy's a freakin' SAMURAI and we've spied on his secret dragon bicycle. We're dead meat.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
What Sweet Tender Ankles
Janice and Shifty are getting on famously. But it's time to go. Shifty is hungry.
Janice stands up in the water.
Oh what sweet tender ankles. It is almost more than an ethical shark can resist.
Quick Shifty, get going. Look there's a surfer out there!
With a flick of his tail he is off.
Janice has no idea how nearly she has been eaten.
She walks back to her dad and the others, dripping drops of clear salty water on the sand.......
........
They are getting ready to go.
Packing empty containers back into Belle et Bonne's picnic basket.
Hi Dad, says Janice. I was floating.
Good on you, says Big Janis. That's my girl.
What's wrong Dad? says Janice.
He's got something to tell you, says Arthur.
Let him tell me, says Janice.
How would you feel about going to Western Australia? says Big Janice. It would be like a holiday.
Is Arthur coming? says Janice.
No, says Arthur. I've got the Tour. I've got to practice.
I'm not going, says Janice.
You'll come if I.....begins Big Janis.
Your daddy is coming with me to the Pilbara, says Gaius. Of course, if you don't wish to come....
PILBARA! shouts Janice. Dad, you can't go there!
It's an opportunity, sweetheart, says Big Janis. Gaius here wants a right hand man. And I'm qualified.
You're a landscape gardener, says Janice.
I know a lot about rocks, says Big Janis.
Janice can stay here with us, says Belle et Bonne. Until you come back. We'll look after her. You'd like that wouldn't you, Janice?
Janice looks smugly at Arthur.
Arthur examines his toe.
Why's Gaius going? says Janice. I thought he was a team captain.
We'll be back before the 19th, says Gaius. A flying visit.
Of course you will, says Belle et Bonne, picking up her basket. Well, is everything settled?
Yes! says Janice. Hurrah! I'm staying, Dad's going, Arthur's.....angry! What could be nicer?
You're funny, says Sweezus, who has been lying on the sand snoozing, and has just woken up. Why's it nice Arthur's angry?
That's between him and me, says Janice.
I see trouble, says Sweezus.
You can't say he isn't observant.
Janice stands up in the water.
Oh what sweet tender ankles. It is almost more than an ethical shark can resist.
Quick Shifty, get going. Look there's a surfer out there!
With a flick of his tail he is off.
Janice has no idea how nearly she has been eaten.
She walks back to her dad and the others, dripping drops of clear salty water on the sand.......
........
They are getting ready to go.
Packing empty containers back into Belle et Bonne's picnic basket.
Hi Dad, says Janice. I was floating.
Good on you, says Big Janis. That's my girl.
What's wrong Dad? says Janice.
He's got something to tell you, says Arthur.
Let him tell me, says Janice.
How would you feel about going to Western Australia? says Big Janice. It would be like a holiday.
Is Arthur coming? says Janice.
No, says Arthur. I've got the Tour. I've got to practice.
I'm not going, says Janice.
You'll come if I.....begins Big Janis.
Your daddy is coming with me to the Pilbara, says Gaius. Of course, if you don't wish to come....
PILBARA! shouts Janice. Dad, you can't go there!
It's an opportunity, sweetheart, says Big Janis. Gaius here wants a right hand man. And I'm qualified.
You're a landscape gardener, says Janice.
I know a lot about rocks, says Big Janis.
Janice can stay here with us, says Belle et Bonne. Until you come back. We'll look after her. You'd like that wouldn't you, Janice?
Janice looks smugly at Arthur.
Arthur examines his toe.
Why's Gaius going? says Janice. I thought he was a team captain.
We'll be back before the 19th, says Gaius. A flying visit.
Of course you will, says Belle et Bonne, picking up her basket. Well, is everything settled?
Yes! says Janice. Hurrah! I'm staying, Dad's going, Arthur's.....angry! What could be nicer?
You're funny, says Sweezus, who has been lying on the sand snoozing, and has just woken up. Why's it nice Arthur's angry?
That's between him and me, says Janice.
I see trouble, says Sweezus.
You can't say he isn't observant.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Advantages Of Mistaking A Shark For A Dolphin
Arthur and Sweezus leave the water and head back to the others, forgetting that Janice is missing.
They trudge along the sand, towards Henley. Arthur's toe has nearly stopped bleeding.
That shark, says Sweezus. What a killer!
You'd have to wonder where he got his jokes from, says Arthur.
Yeah, says Sweezus, no stand-up in the sea.
This strikes Sweezus as funny. No stand up in the sea. Hee hee! Slurp!
Now the absinthe bottle is empty.
They see Gaius, Big Janis and Belle et Bonne, sitting on towels. Belle is waving.
What happened to Janice? says Belle. She followed you.
Eaten by a shark, says Arthur.
Big Janis looks concerned.
Only joking, says Sweezus. You'll never guess who we've just been talking to......
Don't joke about things like that, says Belle et Bonne. Where is she?
They all turn and stare up the beach.
.............
The shark does several twirls in the water.
How pretty the patterns of blood. What an opportunity he missed by starting that fool conversation. And they didn't even get the second joke until he explained it. Is he losing his comedic touch?
He spies a small figure in the distance, boring through the water, splash splash, in a little green swimsuit, and a blue pointy hat.
Now, Shifty, don't blow it this time.
He speeds up, and is soon behind Janice. He opens his jaws.
Janice hasn't yet seen him. Splash splash. She is tiring. Time for a float.
Janice stops and rolls over in the water, floating like a green lettuce, looking up at the sky.
From the corner of her green demon eye she sees Shifty.
A DOLPHIN! says Janice. Come here!
I'm no DOLPHIN! growls Shifty.
I think I can recognise a dolphin, says Janice. You're a dolphin.
And you are an ignorant human, says Shifty.
Float with me, says Janice. Look at the sky. There's a vapour trail. Isn't it pretty. Did you know it's just another form of cloud?
Rubbish, says Shifty. It's pollution, that's what it is.
No it isn't, says Janice. Just cloud. That's what Dad says.
I suppose it was Dad that taught you how to spot a dolphin, says Shifty.
Yes it was, says Janice. By its fin.
Huuuuh! sighs Shifty. I give up. Want to hear a joke?
Yes please, says Janice.
You might not get it, says Shifty. My jokes are science based.
Woo! says Janice. I like science. Try me.
All right, says Shifty. Why did Schroedinger, Dirac and Pauli work in very small garages?
Because they were quantum mechanics, says Janice.
You've heard it! says Shifty.
No, I just worked it out, says Janice. Here's one for you. A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: Is that stool taken?
That's disgusting, says Shifty.
Yes, giggles Janice. I know.
They trudge along the sand, towards Henley. Arthur's toe has nearly stopped bleeding.
That shark, says Sweezus. What a killer!
You'd have to wonder where he got his jokes from, says Arthur.
Yeah, says Sweezus, no stand-up in the sea.
This strikes Sweezus as funny. No stand up in the sea. Hee hee! Slurp!
Now the absinthe bottle is empty.
They see Gaius, Big Janis and Belle et Bonne, sitting on towels. Belle is waving.
What happened to Janice? says Belle. She followed you.
Eaten by a shark, says Arthur.
Big Janis looks concerned.
Only joking, says Sweezus. You'll never guess who we've just been talking to......
Don't joke about things like that, says Belle et Bonne. Where is she?
They all turn and stare up the beach.
.............
The shark does several twirls in the water.
How pretty the patterns of blood. What an opportunity he missed by starting that fool conversation. And they didn't even get the second joke until he explained it. Is he losing his comedic touch?
He spies a small figure in the distance, boring through the water, splash splash, in a little green swimsuit, and a blue pointy hat.
Now, Shifty, don't blow it this time.
He speeds up, and is soon behind Janice. He opens his jaws.
Janice hasn't yet seen him. Splash splash. She is tiring. Time for a float.
Janice stops and rolls over in the water, floating like a green lettuce, looking up at the sky.
From the corner of her green demon eye she sees Shifty.
A DOLPHIN! says Janice. Come here!
I'm no DOLPHIN! growls Shifty.
I think I can recognise a dolphin, says Janice. You're a dolphin.
And you are an ignorant human, says Shifty.
Float with me, says Janice. Look at the sky. There's a vapour trail. Isn't it pretty. Did you know it's just another form of cloud?
Rubbish, says Shifty. It's pollution, that's what it is.
No it isn't, says Janice. Just cloud. That's what Dad says.
I suppose it was Dad that taught you how to spot a dolphin, says Shifty.
Yes it was, says Janice. By its fin.
Huuuuh! sighs Shifty. I give up. Want to hear a joke?
Yes please, says Janice.
You might not get it, says Shifty. My jokes are science based.
Woo! says Janice. I like science. Try me.
All right, says Shifty. Why did Schroedinger, Dirac and Pauli work in very small garages?
Because they were quantum mechanics, says Janice.
You've heard it! says Shifty.
No, I just worked it out, says Janice. Here's one for you. A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: Is that stool taken?
That's disgusting, says Shifty.
Yes, giggles Janice. I know.
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