Legends' Night Dinner - No Hard Feelings

It's the Legends' Night Dinner at the Adelaide Convention Centre. Two hundred and fifty dollars per head and a very nice dinner included. Sir Chris Hoy, Jens Voigt and Cadel Evans will recount tales from their remarkable cycling careers.

Vello and David are sitting with Arthur and Sweezus at a conspicuous table.

At the next table, Gaius and Lu Ban, with Olive Python draped  round his shoulders.

Richie Porte comes over.

Hi guys, says Richie. Can I pat the snake?

Certainly, says Lu Ban. She has just eaten.

Good snake that one, says Richie. I won yesterday thanks to her.

Lu Ban looks startled.

Arthur pricks up his ears.

So what happened?

Richie is just about to explain how he won Stage Five thanks to Olive Python, when Sir Chris Hoy gets up to speak.

I was inspired to become a cyclist, says Sir Chris Hoy, as a very young lad after seeing the movie ET.

A ripple of laughter runs through the Adelaide Convention Centre.

That is remarkable, whispers David to Vello.

Why so? whispers Vello. What is ET?

Shh! hisses Sweezus. We want to hear this.

Phil Liggett, drops into an empty seat beside Arthur.

Wonderful speaker, Sir Chris, says Phil Liggett. Mind if I sit here?

No, says Arthur. Sit wherever you like.

I might say a few words later on, whispers Phil Liggett loudly. If they ask me,

What about? says Arthur. Another remarkable story?

I have many, says Phil Liggett. Many, many. But....

But? says Arthur.

I prefer to speak about my pet interest, which is Saving the Rhino.

Excuse me! says Gaius, leaning over. Did you say Rhino?

I did indeed, says Phil Liggett. Are you interested in making a donation?

No, no, says Gaius. But I commend you most highly for asking.

He makes a note on his napkin. Save the Rhino.

Jens Voigt is now speaking. He is telling the story of how, when the going is gruelling, he speaks to his legs.

Most of the audience have already heard this story.

Some one cries SHUT UP LEGS!

Everyone laughs. What a brilliant night of reminiscence and cycling glory.

Who is sponsoring this thing?

Nespresso! And now it's time for the coffee.

At last there is quiet. Everyone slurping, and eating the froth with their spoons.

So, Richie? says Arthur.

What, Arthur? says Richie.

The snake, says Arthur. Or should I say, python.

Helped me win, says Richie. At the top of the hill.

It wasn't supposed to, says Arthur. It was meant to cause havoc, and help Sweezus get King Of The Mountain.

Didn't work then, says Richie. When I saw it, It made me go faster. Sorry, Sweezus. No hard feelings?

Fuck man, says Sweezus. I never have hard feelings.

That's the way, says Phil Liggett. That's the way. Wonderful sport. See you chaps tomorrow........

Bye bye, says Olive Python.

Not you, says Lu Ban.