They Are Partly Human As I Am Partly Spanish

Ladies with monkeys as lovers!

Margaret is not convinced the intention is comic.

I refuse to continue until the matter is resolved, says Margaret. What are the writer's intentions?

You're right, Margaret, says Ray. As a man of the cloth, I too have reservations.

I forgot you were a pastor, says Margaret. Will that make any difference to our ...um...arrangement?

Of course not, says Ray. I'm not Catholic, I'm Church of New Life.

Margaret does not look any happier.

What now? says Gaius. Shall we waste time? Shall we wait and ask Vello his intentions?

Let's think about it, says Rosamunda. Margaret, what exactly are your objections?

I'm not a prude, says Margaret. My objection is that there may be an underlying racist agenda.

It may be all in your head, says Rosamunda. Look here. She points to a page in the novel.

"Why should you find it so strange that in some parts of the world monkeys obtain ladies' favours? They are partly human, just as I am partly Spanish".

Those are my lines! says Gaius. Dear me. Is my character partly Spanish? I fear I have some reservations......

Don't be an idiot! snaps Margaret.

I'm Spanish! says Terence. What wrong with being Spanish?

Nothing, says Katherine. It's very nice. You have tapas.

I HAVE to be Spanish, says Terence.

That's my point, says Gaius. Reductio ad absurdam.

That's Spanish, says Terence.

It's Latin, says Gaius. I should have thought you would know that, with your background.

I don't have a background, says Terence.

Vello breezes in, unaware of the current controversy.

How goes the rehearsal? asks Vello. What's this? Why is everyone slacking?

Just a slight hiccup, says Rosamunda. Lucky you turned up. Is the monkeys and ladies thing racist?

I prefer to call it satirical, says Vello. I wrote this one hundred years before Darwin. I am having a dig at that fool Rousseau, with his ridiculous ideas about getting back to nature.

At this everyone is satisfied, even Margaret. How silly, to get back to nature.

The rehearsal continues. The two ladies, whose monkey lovers have been murdered, now play a dirty trick on Candide and Cacambo, who find themselves trussed up by the tribe of Oreillons and about to be eaten.

Margaret, says Rosamunda, I don't suppose you'd want to play one of the ladies? You have to be naked.

I'd rather not, says Margaret. I'll be an Oreillon.

I'll be a lady! cries Terence, ripping his shorts off.

Monkeys That Bite Ladies' Bottoms

The Buddha sees all, but he does not concern himself with the acquisition of property.

He has no interest in the means by which Gaius came by the two pencils.

To ascertain this we must descend from the peace and nothing-happeningness of Nirvana to the rehearsal.

Gaius: Careful with those two pencils!

Ray: But our sword fight must look authentic.

Margaret: Don't be so anal.

Ray: Me, anal?

Margaret: Not you, Ray. Gaius is being anal.

She thrusts the pencil at Ray, who ducks and recovers.

Ray thrusts his pencil at Margaret.

A direct hit! And the tip of the pencil is broken!

Gaius: I warned you!

Rosamunda: But Gaius, there'll be a pencil sharpener somewhere. We're in an office.

Katherine: Don't be too sure. It's paperless.

Margaret: (dying) Arggh! I'm done for!

Ray: Very good Margaret. Excellent acting. Here, Gaius, have back your pencil.

Gaius: And the other one?

Margaret: Here. This one's not broken.

Gaius: I am particularly fond of these pencils.

Katherine: Why?

Gaius: I was given them at the CSIRO in Victoria where I went to examine the so-called prehistoric Frilled Shark caught at Lakes Entrance.

Katherine: You went there?

Gaius: Yes I went there, and wishing to sketch it, I searched in my backpack for a pencil, but I seemed to have forgotten to pack any sketching apparatus, so a scientist offered me a pencil.

Terence (emerging from the sleeve of his costume): What did it look like?

Gaius: An ordinary lead pencil.

Terence: The frilled shark?

Gaius: No no. The Frilled Shark had the face and body of an eel, and three hundred teeth, like sharp needles. And bright red gums, which gave it a terrifying appearance.

Terence: Is that why you needed another pencil?

Gaius: Yes! Very good,Terence. That is why I was given a subsequent pencil. The red one that Margaret has broken.

Margaret: ME?

Rosamunda: Now shall we get on with the rehearsal? Gaius, you play Cacambo. You and Ray escape from Paraguay and come to the land of the Oreillons. There you see two naked ladies being pursued by two monkeys who are biting their bottoms.

Gaius: I remember it well. Ray shoots the monkeys, thinking they are attacking the ladies. I then point out that the monkeys were probably their lovers.

Margaret: Oh, isn't that rather awkward? I mean the concept. These days......

Gaius: Nonsense, Margaret. It's meant to be comic.

The Buddha Looks Down

From the permanent heights of Nirvana the Buddha looks down.

He smiles in his irritating fashion.

What's so funny? asks Nietszche.

Sweezus, says the Buddha. He hasn't disconnected the water. Look, it's flooding.

Perhaps he doesn't know how to, says Nietszche.

He lied about doing it, says the Buddha. To get rid of an unwanted guest.

Yes, that is wrong behaviour, says Nietszche. It shows lack of willpower.

Nothing wrong with that, says the Buddha.

Not up here, says Nietszche. But down there.....What would you have done, Gautama?

Disconnected the water, says Gautama. It's surprisingly easy. You locate the stopcock, take off the cover, look for a valve with a metal flange and turn it off using a pipe wrench.

Katherine was right, then, says Nietszche.

Women are often underestimated, says Gautama. Look there now, at Ray and Margaret fighting with pencils.

She's giving him a run for his money, says Nietszche.

She must lose in the end, says Gautama. It is written.

Very fatalist of you, says Nietszche. But what interests me more is, whence came the pencils?

You haven't been being observant, says Gautama.

Enlighten me, says Nietszche.

You won't believe it, says Gautama.

If you say so, says Nietszche.

They looked everywhere for a couple of pencils, but couldn't find even one, says Gautama.

Not that one would have been very useful, says Nietszche.

And then Gaius came in, says Gautama.

Gaius never has any pencils, says Nietszche.

That's what we mistakenly think, says Gautama. But he had two new pencils!

And he lent them to Ray and Margaret to fight with? (Nietszche can't quite believe it).

Not willingly, says Gautama. Until he was offered the part of Cacambo.

Proving that there is no permanence to self, says Nietszche. Is that not so, Gautama?

Exactly so, says Gautama. We should write that down. Do you have a pencil?

The Permanence Of Impermanence

Katherine's joke about the tools of the Buddha has fallen wide of the mark.

She presses on regardless.

So the Buddha turns off the water to make a point about Impermanence? says Katherine.

I know what that is, says Terence. Saint Joseph said I was impermanent.

Yeah, says Sweezus. But it wasn't what I was thinking.

A point about Suffering? asks Katherine.

Good one! says Sweezus. He might.

But it wasn't what you were thinking, says Katherine.

No, says Sweezus.

(When will Katherine stop talking? He needs to get home).

What then? asks Katherine. You must have some line of reasoning?

Believe nothing, says Sweezus. Not even if I say it. Unless it agrees with your own common sense. The Buddha said that.

And that agrees with your common sense does it? says Katherine.

It's awesome, says Sweezus. Buddha rocks.

Buddha farts, says Terence. Prrrp! And no one believes that he did it.

Impertinent! says Katherine. I think you'll find THAT was what Saint Joseph called you.

I know. I already told you, says Terence.

I have to go, says Sweezus. Could you take Terence to his rehearsal?

All right, says Katherine. Come on Terence. What part are you playing?

I've died, says Terence.

Sweezus goes back to his flat.

He opens the door. Water pours onto the pavement.

.......

Ray has invited Margaret to watch the rehearsal.

It's the scene where Candide meets Cunégonde's brother, the Jesuit Commander in Paraguay, and kills him.

Vello and David are late. Terence has not yet arrived.

Margaret! says Rosamunda. How lovely to see you, and how lucky! Would you like a part?

Oh, says Margaret. This is most unexpected. Why not though?

You can play Cunégonde's brother, says Rosamunda. You and Candide grew up together. You each thought the other was dead. You recognise one another, embrace, and burst into tears.

This is more than Margaret could have hoped for.

........

Katherine enters with Terence, as Ray and Margaret embrace with manly passion.

Yurk! says Terence. That's disgusting. Where's my costume?

Is that it? says Katherine, pointing to a heap on the floor.

It is. Full of pins notwithstanding, Terence dives into it.

STOP KISSING, says the costume.

They stop, but not for that reason. In the circumstances, men should not kiss for too long.

Now, says Rosamunda. Ray, you tell him you want to marry his sister. He calls you an insolent fellow. You have a sword fight. Where are the swords?

Pencils, says Katherine. Vello always uses pencils.

They look around for some pencils. But pencils are never around when you want them.

Disconnect Like The Buddha

Next morning, Ray Moon looks cheerful.

What's for breakfast? asks Ray.

Sweezus opens a cupboard.

We'll have to go out for breakfast, says Sweezus.

Not exactly providential are you, says Ray jovially. Ha ha.  I suppose you don't need to be.

Terence emerges from the bathroom, bedraggled.

I can't turn the tap off, says Terence.

Now that we're all here, says Ray, let's have a conversation.

Wait dude, I have to turn the tap off, says Sweezus.

He goes into the bathroom.

Ray sits down at the kitchen table.

Hola! says Terence. I AM Spanish!

Ray can't believe it.

Last night Terence had proved beyond doubt he was not Spanish.

So it remained conceivable that he and Sweezus were related.

Now this morning Terence has claimed to be Spanish.

In which case they can't be related!

I can't turn the tap off either, says Sweezus, coming out of the bathroom with a damp towel.

Let me try, says Ray.

No need to, says Sweezus. I've just disconnected the water.

That won't solve the problem, says Ray.

Trust me, dude, says Sweezus.

They go out for breakfast, at East Terrace Continental.

.......

Katherine is there, catching up with Margaret.

It was so clever! says Margaret. A musical take-off of Jane Austen. She took all the parts. She did all the different voices. And all the poems were modern pop songs, and the music....

What was it again? asks Katherine vaguely.

Promise and Promiscuity, says Margaret. You would have loved it. It was full of naughty innuendo.

I would not have loved it, says Katherine. Naughty innuendo is not up my alley.

Oh ha ha! says Margaret. That's exactly......

Damn! Look the other way, says Katherine. It's Ray. Too late! He's seen us.

Hello, Katherine, says Ray. Keeping busy?

Hello, Ray, says Katherine. I see you're with Sweezus and Terence. Don't let us keep you.

It's just...... says Ray. I don't suppose you have spare room you're not using?

I do, says Margaret. Are you looking for a short term rental?

Er.... yes, says Ray. If it's not too dear. I'm only here for the Fringe. We're putting on Candide.

Again, says Katherine.

And you play.....? says Margaret.

Candide, says Ray.

Ooh, Candide! says Margaret. You have a big part.

I learnt to handle big parts at Christian College, says Ray.

I take small parts, says Margaret. If there's an opening.....

Really! says Katherine. I'll leave you two to it. She gets up and goes over to the table where Sweezus is eating his breakfast and Terence is watching.

It seems Ray's moving in with Margaret, says Katherine.

Awesome. It worked! says Sweezus.

Terence winks in a way that (he hopes) looks Spanish.

What worked? says Katherine.

No milk, no sugar, no tea bags , no breakfast, and finally if that fails, disconnect the water, says Sweezus. It's a Zen thing. What the Buddha would do.

Disconnect the water? says Katherine.

Don't you reckon? says Sweezus.

I suppose so, says Katherine. If he had the right tools.

The Hard Lesson Of The Spanish Onion

I'll give you iconography! says Ray. You little smart-arse. I bet you don't even know what it is.

I do, I do, says Terence. We had to learn it in the palace. We had classes.

Classes! scoffs Ray.

We each had a meaning, says Terence. Every statue. Even the fruit. And only the Spanish Onions were Spanish. 

Ray decides to ignore the fact that Spanish Onions are not fruit but vegetables.

What's yours then? asks Ray.

Prince of Peas, says Terence.

Peace, says Ray. Prince of Peace.

You're saying it funny, says Terence. But that's my meaning. And don't say I'm not green.

You're not green, says Ray.

Thank you, says Terence. That's what I used to say to my parrot. He was green. No, wait, HE said it.

Well, says Ray, I have to admit that you do understand iconography.

Yes, says Terence. You do.

By now they have reached the front door of Sweezus's flat. 

Ray knocks. Sweezus opens.

Ray, says Sweezus. I said one night only. Remember?

Circumstances dictate, says Ray. I took Terence to Manga. Now it's late. I have nowhere else. 

Sweezus lets both of them in.

He's not sleeping in my room, says Terence.

He's not sleeping in mine, says Sweezus.

I'll sleep with YOU, says Terence. You can write on my back with your finger. 

Sweezus looks resigned. All right, Terence.

Shall I put the kettle on? says Ray.

No teabags, says Sweezus.  Let's just all get some sleep.

.......

Terence likes being in bed with Sweezus.

He rolls over, presenting his back.

Write something, says Terence. Not hard. Just so it tickles.

Sweezus writes: HOW  WAS  MANGA ?

Hee hee hee, giggles Terence.

What did I write? asks Sweezus.

A question, says Terence. Do another one.

Sweezus writes: HOW DID YOU GET ON WITH RAY?

Heeeeee-ee! That was a long one, says Terence. Do another one.

No, says Sweezus. Go to sleep now.

I hate Ray, says Terence. He was rude about grandpa. And he said I was Spanish. Anyway, where is grandpa?

Marx? He's gone to Melbourne, says Sweezus. To organise the Marxism Conference. And, by the way, if you're not Spanish, you can't hang out with me. Get it?

No, says Terence, in a slight Spanish accent.

You Can't Be Mister Little Lord Jesus

On the way:

It's a very hot evening. Ray wants a drink.

Ray and Terence go into the Royal Croquet Club, in Victoria Square.

Ray orders a lemonade. Terence gets nothing.

They sit down on a cement step while Ray drinks his lemonade.

It's hot on the step.

It's hot, says Terence, bouncing up and down on his bottom.

A passing lady frowns at Ray.

That child should have a hat on, says the lady.

And special pants, says Terence. For my sliced-off bottom.

The lady walks away quickly.

........

At Manga, the Show:

Ray and Terence sit on the front row, so Terence can see properly.

The Show starts. A headless man sits on a chair, holding a framed picture.

Three more characters come on.

Gold Suit Guy, Well-Padded Lady, Skinny Guy.

The headless man is offered a cigarette. He takes it, and lifts it to his invisible lips.

Inhales, exhales, but not really. Smoke pours from the mouth of ....the Skinny Guy!

The Headless Man goes to the back of the stage. A tube is lowered over his body.

He wriggles inside it. Will he disappear entirely?

NO! He has turned into: The Cutest Girl Ever!

Terence loves the Cutest Girl Ever.

She wears a short shiny bouncy red skirt, green and purple striped socks, a red and pink spotted top and grey and violet flounced knickers. Her wig is yellow, brown, short, curly.

Now there are four characters. Gold Suit Guy, Well-Padded Lady, Skinny Guy and Cutest Girl Ever.

They perform funny sketches.

Musical Chairs. When you lose you get pinned to the wall by your nose.

Dolphins. If you stuff up the actions you get whacked on the head by Gold Suit Guy. Unless you are Cute Girl.

Fancy Journey. Cute Girl rides on a boat, a car, a swing, an aeroplane, all made from a piece of red string.

Someone from the audience is going to be invited onto the stage, to throw rings at Skinny Guy.

Me, me! says Terence. .

Skinny Guy looks at Terence, judges him too small, and .........picks Ray.

......

I surprised myself, says Ray, as they walk back to Sweezus's.

You took three goes, says Terence.

It wasn't easy, says Ray. Lucky I'm a seasoned performer.

I'm a seasoned performer, says Terence.

You're a fake! says Ray. Admit that you're Spanish!

I'm not Spanish! cries Terence.

Barcelona, says Ray. The Sagrada Famiglia. You're Spanish. Therefore you can't be Mister-Little- Lord-Jesus.

Wait till I tell grandpa! says Terence.

Humph! says Ray. Tell away. Who's your grandpa? Some high-falutin' architect?

Grandpa Marx is my grandpa! cries Terence. He knows everything. And you are an idiot.

Oh am I? says Ray, enraged. Why, pray?

Because, stupid, says Terence, you don't know the difference between being made in Spain and being Spanish. And you don't understand iconography.

Ray is silent, thinking of a suitable riposte. He doesn't like to be bested. And he does understand iconography.

You Were Not Always Ugly

Rosamunda and Belle et Bonne are first to arrive the next morning.

How was the date night ? asks Belle et Bonne.

Date night? says Rosamunda. It wasn't a date night. It was good till we got stuck on the Ferris Wheel.

Ooh, says Belle et Bonne. What did you talk about?

Pedals, says Rosamunda. But your dad couldn't remember the names of them.

That's not like him, says Belle. Perhaps he was distracted.

Perhaps he was, says Rosamunda.

Did he ask to adopt you? asks Belle.

Course he didn't, says Rosamunda.

Ray enters, with Terence.

Are we early? says Ray.

No, says Rosamunda. Everyone's late. Let's get started. Ray, you've just killed the Jew and the Grand Inquisitor. Now you, Cunégonde and the Old Lady escape to Cadiz.

David's not here, says Belle. Who'll play the Old Lady?

Me, me! says Terence. I love the Old Lady. She only has half a bum.

It's not funny, Terence, says Rosamunda. You tell a long story on the voyage. Are you sure you can do it?

Half a bum, says Terence, twisting to look at his own bum, unsuccessfully.

You can't make it up, says Rosamunda. Tell him, Ray.

You were not always ugly, says Ray. You are the daughter of Pope Urban X and the Princess of Palestrina. You were betrothed to a prince, but he died of convulsions after being poisoned by chocolate given to him by his mistress before the wedding.

Chocolate! says Terence.

Is that all you've absorbed? says Ray.

No! says Terence When does my bum get chopped off?

Not yet, says Ray. You go off on a yacht with your mother, and get captured by Moorish pirates. You're strip-searched for diamonds. The Moors poke their fingers up....

Ray! says Belle et Bonne. Terence is too young for such details.......

If you say so, says Ray. So, you and your mother are carried off to Morocco and sold as slaves. You're rescued by a eunuch and sold to the governor of Algiers. There you catch the plague, but you survive. After passing through many hands you end up in Constantinople.

I can't remember all that, says Terence. Can't I just go there and get half my bum off?

No, you have to remember it all, says Rosamunda. It's a dramatic build-up of circumstances.

You end up in a fortress at the Sea of Azov, besieged by Russians, says Ray. Soon there is nothing to eat. So the soldiers decide to eat the ladies. But a Mohammedan priest persuades them to only cut one buttock off each of the ladies. That way, he says, you will be provided with a delicious meal, and if you need more, you can have the same again in a few days time.

That makes sense, says Terence.

Just then in comes Vello.

How was the Fringe show last night? asks Ray.

Excellent, top class, says Vello. Until we  got stuck on the Ferris Wheel.

How come I never go ANYWHERE? says Terence.

That's about to change, says Vello. I've got tickets to Manga tonight, and I can't go. It's Japanese, just like your otter. Perhaps Ray could take you?

Yay! says Terence, looking sideways at Ray for his reaction.

Ray assents. He never knocks back a free ticket.

Time, Fractals And Parallel Universes

Tubular Bells is played in real time by two young musicians.

Twenty plus instruments. A tangle of cables and pedals and wires.

The audience is mesmerised.

Wow! says Rosamunda, when she and Vello emerge from The Factory into The Garden where it is just going dark. That really blew me away. How good were they!

Indeed, says Vello, it was a re-education. I had many thoughts, watching and listening.

So did I, says Rosamunda. What were yours?

On time and fractals, says Vello. What were yours?

Parallel universes, says Rosamunda.

Do you subscribe to that theory? asks Vello.

It's only a model, says Rosamunda. Like all of those theories. Like the Big Bang. It's maths.

I read recently about a new mathematical model, says Vello. It does away with the Big Bang entirely.

I'm so glad, says Rosamunda. I never liked it.

Nor I, it has little elegance, says Vello. Oh look, a Ferris Wheel. Shall we go on it?

Yes, says Rosamunda. Let's go on it.

They go on the Ferris Wheel. On a Ferris Wheel you can look down and see the things under the Ferris Wheel.

That is the best thing about a Ferris Wheel.

The worst is, sometimes the Ferris Wheel stops for too long while you're still at the top.

It's been a good evening so far. But now they are stuck.

.........

Nice view, says Rosamunda, looking down at her knees. Has her dress become shorter?

A parallel universe, says Vello, looking at her knees also.

Change the subject.

Who was your friend? asks Rosamunda. The one with the album.

Denis, says Vello. Denis Diderot. He knew all the instruments, all the pedals.

The pedals? says Rosamunda, drumming her feet on the floor of the gondola. How did he KNOW them?

They have different names, says Vello. All the pedals.

What are they? asks Rosamunda, pulling at her hemline. It rips. Damn.

Errm... says Vello. Denis was the one who knew them. Let me think now. Dear old Denis.

Dictionary Denis? asks Rosamunda, feeling in her bag for a pin.

Yes, the Encyclopédie, says Vello. I bet all those pedals are in it.

You can't remember? says Rosamunda. I would have liked to know the names of the different pedals.

Vello tries to think himself back into Diderot's bedroom.

Vello and Denis, sitting on the old Turkish carpet drinking cheap chablis.

Denis, (the know-all), saying: loop pedal.... distortion pedal...... phaser pedal.....overdrive.....delay.

Vello wishes he had written them down.

Even then, Denis hadn't finished.

Super octave pedal..... Ibanez Tube Screamer.......

Doesn't matter. That universe is nowhere.

Vello looks sideways at the parallel knees of Rosamunda.

He wonders if she would by any chance agree to being adopted.

No Vello! Danger! Inappropriate!

Jerk!

Like the Wheel of Fortune, the Ferris Wheel starts moving.

The Blue Dress And The Paper Death Hat

Afternoon. Another rehearsal.

Rosamunda's mind is elsewhere.

What to wear for a night out with Vello?

She asks Belle et Bonne to take over while she goes to the shops.

Right! says Belle et Bonne. Where are we up to?

The Inquisition. Doctor Pangloss has been hanged. I've been flogged, says Ray.

Now you're reunited with the lovely Cunégonde, says David. I'll play Cunégonde.

Hee hee, says Terence. Ray has to kiss David!

No, he doesn't, says David. He falls at my feet and listens with rapt attention to my story.

Boring, says Terence. Where's my otter costume?

Is this it? asks Arthur, who is still here, watching the rehearsal.

No, says Terence. That's my paper death hat.

Arthur, says Belle. Would you play the Old Lady?

Doesn't she have only one buttock? asks Arthur, vaguely remembering this anatomical fact.

Yes, says Belle. Walk funny, and sit crooked.

Arthur looks undecided.

I'l do it, says David. I often play the Old Lady. Arthur you can be Cunégonde. You're younger and prettier anyway.

Ray falls at Arthur's feet and listens with rapt attention to Arthur's story, thanking his lucky stars that he won't have to kiss him.

Remember the story, Arthur? says Belle. You were sold by a Bulgar captain to a Jew, who now shares you on alternate days with the Grand Inquisitor.

Arthur tells his shocking story, while Ray goggles.

Now the Jew comes in, says Belle, and Ray slays him. Oh wait, who's playing the Jew?

I will! cries Terence, putting on his paper death hat and jiggling whatever it is in his pocket.

Ray grasps his sword, but then hestitates.

Must he be a Jew? asks Ray. It doesn't seem quite PC these days.....

Raawh! cries Terence. Just kill me, you bugger!

Terence! cries Belle. Language! Lucky Sweezus didn't hear you.

........

Rosamunda meets Vello outside The Factory in the Garden of Unearthly Delights.

It's early. She buys him a beer.

They sit on a seat under a gum tree where it's cooler, and wait for the doors to open.

Nice dress, says Vello. That shade of blue. I like it.

Nice shorts, says Rosamunda. (It's the first time she's seen Vello's legs).

And nice tee shirt, she adds quickly. Seventies?

Appropriate I thought, in the circumstances..... says Vello.

Yes, says Rosamunda. Nineteen seventy three. When Tubular Bells first came out. Did you buy the album?

No, says Vello. A friend of mine had it.

Oh, says Rosamunda.

In this pleasant way they pass the time until the doors open.

Inquisition And Tubular Bells

At the ten o'clock rehearsal, in the Velosophy office.

Vello is already there, checking his mail for free tickets.

Rosamunda is busy with pins, and a tube of paper glue.

Ray enters with Terence.

Ah, Candide and Doctor Pangloss! says Rosamunda. Let's get started. Today we'll practice the auto da fé.

Goody, says Terence. Who's driving?

It's not a vehicle, Terence, says Rosamunda. It's the Portugese Inquisition. First you must go in a procession, wearing these outfits.

She holds up two wonderful costumes fashioned out of paper.

For Ray, a paper cassock and mitre decorated with penitential symbols, inverted flames, devils without tails or claws.

Terence's devils have tails and claws and his flames are upright.

Terence looks at the flames on his paper outfit. He looks at Ray's.

That means you burn, says Ray, nastily.

Nooo! says Terence looking around for the otter costume, which Rosamunda has put away.

Yes, but don't worry Terence, says Rosamunda. It rains so much they can't burn you.

Hoorah! cries Terence. I'm saved!

They hang you instead, says Ray, even more nastily.

Terence stamps over to where Vello is still ripping envelopes.

Hmph, says Vello, tipping out contents. Bill, bill, bill. Bill, bill. Where are my tickets?

Did you write this story? says Terence.

Yes, says Vello. You do look nice in that paper costume. Very authentic.

Terence dances up and down.

Something jingles in his pocket, under the paper costume.

Jingle jingle. Rustle rustle (that's the paper).

Do I have to die? asks Terence. I don't want to.

Hasn't anyone bothered to tell Terence the story? asks Vello crossly.

You come back to life at the end, says Rosamunda.

Woo! says Terence. How long am I dead for?

A long time, says Ray. From now on it's all about me.  Me and Cunégonde.

But she's dead TOO! shouts Terence.

No, says Rosamunda. She recovers from the disembowelling.

Terence can't believe that grown ups can be that stupid.

Arthur drops in to watch the rehearsal.

Arthur, says Rosamunda. How was the show at the Bakehouse? Stop Start, what was it...?

Good, says Arthur. Except for a crying baby. The characters bled into one another and shared traits, so it had the feel of a dream or hallucination. It pointed to a deep commonality in our experience, and suggested that our inability to be present with one another is due to something interrupting our ability to recognise ourselves in the other.....

Ha ha. You got theatre notes, says Rosamunda.

Was it me? asks Terence. The crying baby?

No, it was a real crying baby, says Arthur. But I heard you were wailing.

You would, says Terence. All bad things happened. Until A Dog Died.

I know, says Arthur. That was my idea. But the poem was Pablo's

Huzzah, cries Vello. Tubular Bells! What a coup! Two free tickets!

Oh lucky! cries Rosamunda. Who are you taking?

Would you care to accompany me? asks Vello.

Oh yes, would I ever! says Rosamunda.

Something Blasphemous In The Middle

Sweezus has woken up.

Terence is wailing.

Sweezus doesn't know what to do. He hates confrontations. He calls Arthur.

Arthur, says Sweezus, Terence is wailing.

So? says Arthur. Read him A Dog Has Died. He likes that one.

Ray's beating up on him, whispers Sweezus. They're in the bedroom.

Time to burst in then, says Arthur. Got to go. I'm at the Bakehouse with Pablo.

Sure man, says Sweezus. Thanks for the heads up.

Sweezus scrolls through his phone to find A Dog Has Died. He finds it.

Time to burst in now.

He bursts in. Ray looks guilty.

Okay Terence? says Sweezus.

Uh-uh, says Terence. Ray hit me.

I didn't....begins Ray.

But Ray's knuckles are bleeding. Sweezus frowns.

Okay sorry, says Ray. I was just trying out an idea. If I teach Terence the Commandments, you won't be.... err... ethically challenged.

Fuck man, says Sweezus. I'm not ethically challenged. And Terence, go out to the kitchen for a minute. Play on my iphone.

Can't, says Terence.

GO! little dude, says Sweezus. Terence goes.

Terence is Spanish, says Sweezus. I don't know if you've noticed.

So? says Ray.

I'm not Spanish, says Sweezus.

I know that, says Ray.

How's he grow up to be me? says Sweezus. If he's SPANISH?

Ray feels like a proper idiot.

Terence come in with the phone.

Is this a poem? asks Terence.

Yes, says Sweezus. Will you stop crying if I read it?

I stopped already, says Terence.

Sit up here then, says Sweezus.

Sweezus reads A Dog Has Died, like a lullaby.

My dog has died.
I buried him in the garden
next to an old rusted machine.
Some day I'll join him right there
but now he's gone with his shaggy coat
his bad manners and his cold nose
and I the materialist who never believed
in any promised home in the sky
for any human being
I believe in a heaven I'll never enter.
Yes I believe in a heaven for dogdom
where my dog waits for my arrival
waving his fan-like tail in friendship.
Ai......


There's something blasphemous in the middle of that, says Ray.

Nevertheless, a revealing snot drops from the end of his nose to his knuckles.

Terence has fallen asleep.

Sweezus rolls him onto a cushion.

Something jingles in Terence's pocket.

Sweezus takes a quick squiz at the money jar.

Empty.

The Education Of A Hard Little Robber

It's late at night. Sweezus walks back to his flat, with Terence on his shoulders.

Footsteps clatter behind him. He turns. Shit. It's Ray.

You don't have a spare room, do you? asks Ray.

Yeah, I do, says Sweezus. But Terence sleeps in it.

He can sleep with me, says Terence. He's my teacher.

No, dude, you're HIS teacher, says Sweezus. You're Doctor Pangloss.

But he's teaching me how to be Doctor Pangloss, says Terence.

All right then, says Sweezus. One night only.

Ray basks in the glow of success.

......

Sweezus puts on the kettle.

Ray leans back in his chair.

Kind of you to give me a bed, says Ray. Perhaps I've misjudged you.

Yeah? says Sweezus. Err... there's no milk and sugar.

No worries, says Ray. Yes, it was years ago, at Port Elliot. I saw you stealing from the collection box....

I never.... says Sweezus. Then he remembers. He did.

It was for the needy, says Sweezus, And I was.....kind of needy. Me and Arthur....

Oh yes, Arthur, says Ray. No doubt he had something to do with it.

I can't sleep, says Terence coming out of the spare room.

Were you listening? asks Sweezus.

Yes, says Terence. And I'm sad. Now I know I grow up and start STEALING.

It's because you need the money to pay back Mrs Swales, says Sweezus.

Is that written in stone? says Ray, slowly.

Cement, says Terence. I'll be a hard robber. Is it all for the best, Ray?

Ray is a Christian of the old school. He's thinking: Give me the child.......

.......

Sweezus sleeps the sleep of a man unaware that his childhood is being tampered with.

He dreams he is back in the loft, at Ayers House, lulled by cool air conditioning.

A man explains Terra Nullius. Terror Australis.

A man with a passion.

And grainy impressionist pictures of far distant ranges.

........


 Minutes later, Sweezus wakes up in a sweat.

Terence is wailing.

Philosophy Of Not Eating A Cheezel

David and Vello have come back from their night out at Gluttony.

How goes the rehearsal? asks Vello.

Ray's back, says Rosamunda. He'll be playing Candide now.

I will, says Ray, but I'm not happy about Doctor Pangloss.

What's wrong with him? says Vello. And where is he?

Here, says Terence emerging from the frothy lace hemline. Eee-eee!

Have you learned your lines yet? asks David.

Some of them, says Terence. The sleeves mainly. But I've learned where the pins are.

Not good enough, says Ray. Candide is a play of ideas, not spatial coordinates.

Oh very good! says Vello. Write that down, Rosamunda.

Ray has a point, says Rosamunda. Terence doesn't seem able to articulate the basic teachings of Doctor Pangloss. Perhaps we should get Sweezus back. He might fit in the costume.

She eyes the costume in question.

DON'T get him! says Terence. I'll learn it.

Sit up then, says Ray. Have a Cheezel.

Terence sits up on the table and Ray hands him a Cheezel.

Now eat it, says Ray.

Can't, says Terence. I'm made of cement.

Think about your answer, says Ray. Remember, you're Doctor Pangloss.

Good, Ray, says Vello. The Stanislavsky method. You're a natural teacher.

Not quite, says Rosamunda. Ray hasn't explained the whole ethos to Terence. Terence, you believe that all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. You may not be able to eat a Cheezel, but you must explain to Candide why that is a Very Good Thing.

I get it, says Terence.

Go on, then, says Ray. Why is it a Very Good Thing that you can't eat a Cheezel?

Cheezels aren't invented, says Terence. So that's a Very Good Thing.

An excellent line of thinking, says David.

Wiggling out of it, retrogressively, says Vello. Not bad. But not exactly Panglossian.

True, says David, but you had no objection to Pangloss being portrayed as an otter.

Vello pretends that he doesn't remember the episode.

Sweezus come in.

You guys are unreal! says Sweezus. Still working!

Yes, says Rosamunda. Some of us. Where'd you go?

Just seen this show, says Sweezus. Woah! How good was it!

How good was it? asks Ray.

The BEST! Air-conditioned, says Sweezus. You guys should go.

He reaches into the Cheezel packet for a Cheezel. The packet is empty.

Not The Leading Man Type

David and Vello finish their burgers and enter the tiny white tent in which Professor Walrus is to perform his show, Tatterdemalion.

Professor Walrus enters from a side flap clutching a teddy. It soon becomes evident that Professor Walrus is unable to speak.

The audience must take over the sound effects.

Oooooh! cries the audience as Professor Walrus opens his travelling trunk.

Eh-uh, as he opens a drawer.

Professor Walrus needs help removing his night clothes. A woman obliges.

And with choosing a shirt. That one! The clean one.

Later the shirt itself performs a heart-rending mime show.

It puts on a tie. It places a rose in a vase on the counter. It turns over a sign.

OPEN.

It waits for customers.

But no customers come.

To change the mood, Professor Walrus pretends he is late for work, catching a tram, with his bag and his newspaper.

Half the audience must get on the tram.

They stand in a row, bobbing, a hand up to hold onto the tram strap, and make tram sounds.

Ka-cha, ka-cha. Until, oh no!  A bomb threat!

It's over. The audience throw roses at Professor Walrus, who has given the roses out earlier.

 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? says Vello when the show is finished, and he and David are outside again.

Time for a beer? says David, hopefully.

Of course, says Vello. But also, that performing shirt got me thinking.

Terence? says David. Under the costume? Exactly. The audience will love him.

.....

Ray has returned to the rehearsal room.

If only to see what is happening.

Sweezus and Rosamunda are looking down at the costume, and munching on Cheezels.

The costume is slowly revolving and twisting up into semi-geological features.

Hello Ray, says Rosamunda. Reconsidered?

Mmnn, says Ray, non-committally. I've read the whole thing now.

Good, says Sweezus, because I'm not the leading man type. You take over.

He grabs a handful of Cheezels and heads off down the stairs.

Terence pops his head through an armhole.

Hello, I'm Doctor Pangloss, says Terence. See me swimming?

Ah, says Ray. You are up to the part where you almost drown in Lisbon? And one of your companions does drown. And you attempt to justify it in terms of the current fad for optimism. Go on then.

Eeee-eee, says Terence, swimming back up the sleeve.

The Best Of Worlds

Ray has gone outside. He looks around cautiously (for Bulgars).

He sits down under a tree.

A young woman hands him a flyer.

She takes a quick glance at his well-thumbed Classic Penguin.

Voltaire's Candide! she says. Awesome.

..........

In the rehearsal room, Sweezus is standing in for Ray.

Okay, says Sweezus. Where are we?

Holland, says Rosamunda. Where you meet up again with Doctor Pangloss.

Cool, says Sweezus. What do I say?

Drat! says Vello. Ray's taken the novel. Just wing it!

Sweezus looks down at the padded costume under which Terence is lurking.

Can this be my beloved master? asks Sweezus.

No reply comes from Doctor Pangloss.

Sweezus nudges the costume.

No! replies the costume. I'm an otter.

You have syphilis, prompts Rosamunda. And you should have come out already.

This isn't working, says David. Shall I go outside and find Ray?

No, keep going, says Vello. I like it.

Have you any news of the Lady Cunégonde? asks Sweezus bending down to the costume.

No, says the costume. Leave me alone. I've got sniffilus.

Cunégonde's dead, says Rosamunda. Disembowelled by Bulgars.

Belle et Bonne, who has been playing Cunégonde, gets up to clear away the remains of the biscuits.

The costume sneezes. (A bad case of sniffilus).

We should start heading to Lisbon, says Sweezus.

Good lad, says Vello. Keep it moving.

Why? asks the costume.

That's where the earthquake, tsunami and fires are, says Sweezus. Cooperate, dipshit!

The costume stops moving.

Terence comes out.

Dipshit! says Terence. Is that IN it?

Yes, says Rosamunda. Now Terence, do you know why I chose you to be Doctor Pangloss?

No, says Terence. Is it because I look like I'm swimming in this costume?

Kind of, says Rosamunda. But mainly it's because you're impervious to pins. There's no time for sewing.

Terence looks deeply unhappy.

I'm the director, says Rosamunda. You're lucky I even do pinning.

Oh classic! says Vello. Well I'm off for the rest of today. I have a Fringe show to review over at Gluttony. Coming David? I've got two tickets.

Wonderful! says David. And there's plenty of time to get dinner.

They exit, leaving Rosamunda, Candide and Doctor Pangloss to justify the grim Lisbon Earthquake.

Four Disappointments

Next morning there is a rehearsal in the Velosophy office.

Now then Ray, says Vello, I hope you've learned your lines.

No one's given me a script, says Ray.

There is no script, says Vello. It's a novel.

Here's a copy, says David, handing Ray a much-thumbed Classic Penguin.

For goodness sake! says Ray.

What's wrong? says Rosamunda.

Not much dialogue in it, says Ray.

First disappointment, says Vello. Do your best.

......

A little later on.

Ray is in a corner, muttering to himself and reading.

Vello drums his fingers. David opens his mail.

Rosamunda pins padding into an elaborate costume.

Belle et Bonne enters with a tray of chocolate biscuits.

How's it going? asks Belle et Bonne. Anyone like a biscuit?

There's a hold up, says Vello, taking two biscuits. Ray hasn't learnt his lines.

Poor Ray, says Belle et Bonne. I'll help you. I'll play Cunégonde.

She pulls a tissue lightly from a box of Aloe Vera tissues, and drops it in front of Ray.

Ray looks confused.

Pick it up, says Rosamunda. Give it back to her and kiss her.

Ray picks up the tissue. Belle puckers up.

(Their lips meet, their eyes flash, their knees tremble, and their hands can not keep still).

Very good! says Rosamunda. Now David. You're her dad, the Baron. Kick Ray on the backside.

David has played the Baron many times before. It's his favourite part. He kicks Ray powerfully on the backside.

It doesn't even feel like acting.

Second disappointment, says Vello. Well done, Ray.

Ray looks disappointed, without even acting.

Belle et Bonne pretends to faint, while Vello takes another chocolate biscuit.

Sweezus enters, having eaten a late breakfast. Where's Terence?

They were KISSING, says Terence, emerging from under the costume.

Oh Terence! says Rosamunda. I didn't know that you were there!

SEE! says Terence. I could be in it, couldn't I.

No you couldn't, snaps Ray. It's hard enough acting, without a little smart-arse popping out from under costumes.

Ray! cries Rosamunda. Stay in character!

Third disappointment, says Vello. This is shaping up quite well.

I'm glad you think so, says Ray. But if he doesn't go, I'm going.

You do go, says Rosamunda. You don't even get to say goodbye. You get captured by Bulgars.

Ray gets up to leave. Terence is grinning.

Can I be him ? asks Terence.

You're way too small, says Rosamunda, but you could play Doctor Pangloss.

What! says Vello. I always play Doctor Pangloss!

Fourth disappointment, says Rosamunda.

She shakes out the costume.

The padding is twisted up and bunched around one side. Has Terence got back in it?

Vello ponders the situation.

If he doesn't play Doctor Pangloss, he can pursue his other obligations. All is for the best then.

Except ...... who'll play Candide?

The Red Coat

Vello leads everyone out to the bus stop.

The bus has just gone.

This is ridiculous, says Katherine. I'm getting a taxi. Who's coming?

Me, says Rosamunda.

We might stop off at the Art Gallery, says Katherine. I want to see Icons before it's finished.

Ooh, yes, says Rosamunda. I want to see Icons. Let's go. But what about our luggage?

David will see to it, says Katherine. TAXI!

......

At the bus stop. Waiting.

I think we should get a taxi, says David, surveying the extra luggage.

Can't afford it, says Vello. This production is milking us dry. By the way, you and Ray each owe me a hundred dollars. Registration.

David resigns himself to catching the bus.

What play are we doing, asks Ray?

Otters, says Terence.

We're not doing otters, says Sweezus.

But they said, says Terence.

What's this? says Vello. Otters? No, we're doing Candide.

We always do Candide, says David.

I don't know it, says Ray. We didn't do it at Christian College.

You'll be perfect, says Vello. It's about disillusionment.

What's this illusionment? asks Terence.

DIS-illusionment, says David. It's when things aren't as good as you thought they would be.

Like Ray, says Terence. He isn't.

Ray glowers at Sweezus.

Don't look at me, says Sweezus.

He's your baby, says Ray.

Not exactly, says Sweezus. He fell off the Sagrada Famiglia in Barcelona.

My palace, says Terence. I had a parrot.

Ray knows enough about Christianity to put two and two together.

Baby Jesus! Feathered gecko shorts notwithstanding.

Ha ha, look at Ray's face! cackles Vello.

.......

Katherine and Rosamunda have stopped off at the Art Gallery and gone in to see Icons.

Masterpieces from the collections of the Musée des Arts Decoratifs, Paris.

A survey of contemporary fashion, over the past sixty years.

(Weird faded clothes on creepy white dummies).

I remember the New Look, says Katherine. It was after the war. I had a red coat with a cinched waist and very full skirt. I thought it was lovely. I wore it to a christening....

Rosamunda isn't listening. She is gathering ideas for the play she will soon be directing.

They involve a lot of padding.

Two Unlikely Redeemers

Flight 467 has landed.

David, Katherine and Rosamunda get off.

I thought Ray was coming, says Vello. Where is he?

Detained by security, says David. He'll be along shortly.

He made death threats, says Katherine.

Brilliant, says Vello. What on earth was he thinking? He's my lead actor.

He was practising his lines, says Rosamunda. He hadn't got to the Good News.

O priceless, says Vello. Did you hear that? The good news. What pray is the good news?

Now, Vello, says Katherine. Calm down. The good news is you have Rosamunda, an experienced director.

Yes, says Vello. I know Rosamunda. We first met in Edinburgh, at the World's End. There was a bookshop, a riverbank, and a Japanese man in an overcoat.

I remember! cries Rosamunda. Kawai. A shape shifter. He followed us, and then he turned into an otter! He'd swallowed Arthur's gold coin.

So he had, says Vello. Well my dear, you'll make an excellent director. Sweezus, take Terence with you and see what you can do about Ray.

Sweezus goes off to the airport security office with Terence, and knocks.

The door creaks open mysteriously.

They go inside.

Not another one, says Victor, slamming the door shut. Oh it's you two!

Victor! says Sweezus. Why are you detaining Ray Moon?

We're just having a theological argument, says Victor. Perhaps you can settle it.

No way José, says Sweezus. I keep out of theological arguments.

And we don't slam DOORS, says Terence.

Terence spies Ray Moon looking hard done by.

All I said was, says Ray, that everyone dies. It's not a death threat.

What is it then? says Victor. It says here.....

Victor thumbs through his list of terror threats. Number One: You are going to die.

That's a death threat.

Want some good news? says Terence.

I already have some Good News, says Ray.

Not this good news, says Terence.

What is it? asks Ray.

We're shape shifters, says Terence. We eat gold coins and turn into otters.

At last the penny drops with Victor.

You're part of the Fringe. Why didn't you say so!

You may go, Ray, says Victor. You've been saved by your friends here.

Ray can't believe it. Saved by Sweezus, and his feral baby.

It's galling.

Life Truths And Death Threats

It's a short flight from Sydney to Adelaide. But today it seems longer.

The Five Truths discussion continues......

David: That's not it. I would have remembered.

Katherine: You obviously didn't. Nor did Fish, come to think of it.

David: I feel a strong rapport with my nephew. 'Have fun' is not a Truth, it's a facile instruction.

Katherine: An objective. You would do well to remember it.

David: I always enjoy myself, mother. Look, I'm enjoying myself.

(He indicates the half-finished Sudoku in the open magazine on his tray).

Katherine: There are two fives in that row.

Ray (from the seat behind them): Perhaps I can help you?

Katherine: Perhaps you can. David could do with a rubber.

Ray: No, about the Five Truths. Church precepts are instructive.

Katherine: Ha! Go on. This will be precious.

Ray: Indeed. One: Life is hard.

David: Just give me the last one.

Ray: Your life is not all about you.

David: Oh really. Who is it about then? That can't be the last one.

Ray: No, that's the second one.

David: Typical. You church types never listen. What's the last one?

Ray: You are going to die.

Flight attendant: Tea or coffee?

Katherine: Tea please, and one of your muffins.

David: Going to die! That's a dispiriting send-off for an infant on his first day at school.

Ray: It's not about school. These are Life Truths.

Rosamunda: (looking up from her iPad): Are we talking Life Truths?

Katherine: Yes dear. We've extended our horizons. Do you know any nice ones?

Rosamunda: The Buddha had four Noble Truths, which some people find helpful.

Ray: Only four. Ha ha! And I can guess which one's missing.

Rosamunda: There isn't one missing. They go like this. One: All temporary things are unsatisfying.

Katherine: How true. I shouldn't be having this muffin.

David: Forget the first three. Just tell me the last one.

Rosamunda: All right. Four: Practice mindfulness.......

David: Whatever that is. What is it?

Rosamunda, I hadn't finished.

Flight attendant (to Ray): Sir, I must ask you to please get out of your seat and walk calmly with my colleagues up to the front of the aircraft.

Ray: There must be some mistake.

Flight attendant: No, there isn't. Off you go now.

Ray gets up and is escorted to the front of the aircraft to report to the captain.

Flight attendant: I'm so sorry. I was legally obliged to report your friend's death threat.

Katherine: That's quite all right. He will no doubt give the captain the Good News. He's a pastor.

Flight attendant: A pastor. Ha ha. That's quite funny.

Rosamunda: We were actually discussing the Four Noble Truths of the Buddha.

David: Five if you call 'Have Fun' a Truth, which I don't, necessarily.

Flight attendant: The Buddha said 'Have fun'? That's so unexpected. It reminds me of something I saw on Facebook. The Five Truths of Life . What were they now? They were all different. Especially the first one.....

David: The first one? What was it?

Flight Attendant: It was: Nobody is real in this world except Mother.

David: For goodness sake! How is that truthful?

Katherine: Nonsense, David. It's the best thing I've heard for ten minutes.

The Last Of Five Truths

Next morning. Monday. Fish's first day in reception.

Daddy takes him for pancakes at McDonalds to impart the Five Truths about school.

Then home for a last minute sit on the toilet.

And Fish is at last on his way.

........

David and Katherine board the train at Emu Plains station.

Several other passengers get on as well.

One looks familiar.

Ray! says David. Good man.

Ray Moon! says Katherine. Where might you be going?

Ray Moon looks shifty.

He's coming to Adelaide, says David. I may have forgotten to tell you.

Now it's Katherine's turn to look shifty.

......

They are now a party of three, arriving at Central.

Ray carries Katherine's luggage up the stairs, in an effort to please her.

Thank you, Ray, says Katherine. At least you try to behave like a gentleman.

Try? says Ray.

Keep your shirt on, says David. She means that I don't. Mother, why don't you say if you want me to carry your luggage?

I'm quite capable of carrying my own luggage, says Katherine

This is not going well.

Ray is feeling superfluous.

And what's up with Katherine?

We are about to find out.

........

They arrive at the airport, go through security, have lunch in the food court.

The tables are tiny, the plastic chairs close together.

Katherine! says Rosamunda, turning slowly to show her full face.

Rosamunda! says Katherine, unsuccessfully affecting surprise.

I took your advice, says Rosamunda.

Going somewhere, Rosamunda? asks Ray.

Adelaide, says Rosamunda. Don't tell me ......

David has been eating his meat pie from Pie Face, thinking idly about the Five Truths. Why can't he remember the last one?

But now.......Goodness gracious! Rosamunda is coming to Adelaide.

Going somewhere with Gaius? asks David.

No way, says Rosamunda. The Fringe is on soon, and I'm helping Vello to put on a Fringe show. Katherine suggested it.

I'm going to be in that Fringe show, says Ray. David suggested it.

Ray and Rosamunda turn questioning faces to David.

David swallows his last bite of pie.

This could turn out to be awkward.

......

On the plane. Jetstar flight 467 to Adelaide.

Ray Moon: I did some acting at Christian College.

Rosamunda : Why does that not impress me?

David: The Five Truths, mother. You don't happen to remember the last one?

Katherine: They weren't Truths dear, they were objectives.

The Art Of Watching

Sunday morning. A family meeting has decided where the family will go for their family activity.

Glenbrook National Park, with a caveat. They will only stop at lookouts with railings.

They drive to Glenbrook National Park.

Daddy and Mummy in the front seats.

Fish and Butterfly in the mid-seats, watching DVDs.

David and Katherine in the back seat looking out at the usual trees.

The car stops at the first point of the family activity.

The Red Hands Cave Trail.

They follow the trail, en famille.

Rocks, trees, bushes with tiny bush flowers. A valley. A bend. Seat. A cave.

Through the grille, you can see red and white hands painted and stencilled on the walls of the cave.

You can't go inside though.

Fish soon gets bored. He wants  to keep walking.

He, Daddy and David disappear down the trail.

Mummy and Katherine and Butterfly sit down in front of the cave.

They drink water and share one and a half of the last three Iced Vo-Vo biscuits.

As aboriginal women used to do, long long ago.

..........

Next stop the Nepean Lookout.

It has a railing. And a gate, leading out to a projecting rock, high above the valley.

A gate for abseilers only.

Fish is not yet one of those.

A red boat moves slowly on the Nepean River. A bridge. Tall spindly trees.

A train on the far side enters a black hole in the mountain.

A rumbling. A silence. A breeze.

......

Last stop the Jelly Bean Pool.

Down a rocky track, almost vertical in places.

Sand, rocks, a pool, beyond the pool, more rocks, also almost vertical. The pool extends round a corner to yet more rocks, but not in the shape of a jelly bean.

Water, knee deep and dark brown as black tea.

Butterfly and Fish head for the water. It's already up to their pants.

I'm allowed to get my shorts wet, says Fish.

That's true. He is.

David has taken his shoes off and rolled up his trousers.

He likes this activity, but he's glad he'll be going home tomorrow.

We've seen a water-walker, says Butterfly.

Katherine wonders what that is. Then she remembers. It's some sort of insect. How nice.

David's thought process is more convoluted. He thinks: water-walker, walking-on-water, ha ha, irrational religion, no accounting, this place, community indeed, sausage sizzle, poor Ray and the girl fiend, Rosamunda, bad influence on a church man, perhaps Ray needs to get away, I wonder if Vello....

Chop-chop, David, says Katherine. Put your shoes on. They've all gone back up to the car.

......

Later that evening, the family watches I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, on the television.

It's so thrilling, Butterfly and Fish are allowed to stay up till it ends.

One of the celebrities, a large female personality, must lie passively tied to a stake in an enclosure while a blindfolded team member drops unpleasant items onto her face through a funnel.

Ants, cockroaches. Offal.

The offal looks like rhubarb, gelatine and currants. Wisely she keeps her mouth shut, earning six out of ten for her team.

Then it's bedtime for the children.

And now, for the grown-ups, the tennis. The Australian Open Finals.

Katherine does not mind. She has recently perfected the art of watching the tennis.

That Which Is Axiomatic

It's Saturday. Butterfly and Fish go to Little Athletics on Saturday.

They get dressed somewhat faster than usual.

Little Athletics is buzzing with parents and children.

The sun beats down relentlessly. The grass exudes a damp sportsmanlike smell.

The hurdles program is cancelled due to hoons doing donuts on the oval. Program one will be followed instead.

Ray Moon is there.

Ray! says David. I didn't expect to see you here.

Community service, says Ray. I'm on the sausage sizzle.

Fish is racing, says Katherine. Over there. Hurry up, David.

Coming, says David.

Yes, says Ray. Community is big here in Blaxland.

That is axiomatic, says David.

What? says Ray.

A given, says David. We all agree. Community is big here in Blaxland.

Except for the few, says Ray darkly, looking across at the place where the grass has been churned up by hoons.

There are always the few, agrees David.

Fish won his race, says Katherine. And you weren't watching. Now come and watch Butterfly. She's doing the Vortex.

The purpose of competition eludes me, says David.

These days they go for PBs, says Katherine.

To what end? asks David.

Self improvement, says Katherine, as a long drawn out race thunders by.

David watches a struggling boy, sympathetically.

.........


Afternoon. The family is at the Hog's Breath Cafe, to celebrate Butterfly's birthday.

Good choice, Butterfly, says Daddy, as he orders a large plate of ribs.

Butterfly and Fish order Curly Fries and Nuggets. Fish spills his sauce on the table.

David has Fisherman's Basket. Mummy and Katherine order salads, which are quite nice.

Butterfly looks at the menu again before leaving.

Kids get free ice cream! says Butterfly. It says here!

This is the trouble with reading, says Daddy.

.......

Later. At home.

A cake is being made. A dream cake for Butterfly. In layers.

Meringue, cream, marshmallow, meringue, cream, raspberry jam, coconut, crushed Iced Vo-Vo biscuits, meringue, cream, tiny red and white striped meringues on the top and a sprinkling of biscuit crumbs. A single candle in the shape of a seven.

What's the best thing about being seven? asks Daddy at tea time.

No more booster seat, says Butterfly.

Fish is thoughtful. The future looks bright.

Adapt Or Die Wisdom

Friday. Butterfly's birthday. She opens her presents before going to school.

A puzzle, a necklace, pink bed sheets, a family of lions.

I love these tigers! says Butterfly.

She takes the tigers to school.

.......

On the way home, David and Katherine take Fish to the coffee shop, for hot chocolate.

Katherine orders a latte, two hot chocolates, a gingerbread man.

Fish eats the gingerbread man, even though it is spicy.

Two hot chocolates arrive, one large and one small. But no latte.

Katherine knew that would happen when she was only charged nine dollars ninety.

She can't ask for one now, that is obvious.

........

In the afternoon, Fish has to go to a meeting.

It is called Best Start. He will be meeting his teacher.

He walks to school with Katherine and David, his pockets loaded with acorns.

They wait in the front office, Fish in one chair, a little girl in another.

A teacher comes in and takes the little girl away.

What if she took the wrong person? says Fish.

Miss Mash enters the office.

Fish! I know you! You're Butterfly's little brother.

Fish disappears with Miss Mash, for a grilling.

.........

David and Katherine have forty minutes to kill.

They collect Zoe the cavoodle, who has been tied to a tree, and head off for a walk.

Have you brought a poo-bag? asks Katherine.

Just one, replies David.

Zoe does the maths.

........


Forty minutes later they return to the school, and tie Zoe back up to the tree.

David looks for a tap. Plastic newspaper sleeves make ineffective poo-bags.

They turn up at the office at the same time as Mummy, to retrieve Fish from Miss Mash.

That went very well, says Miss Mash. Goodbye Fish. See you on Monday. Make sure you have your name in your hat.

What did you do with Miss Mash, Fish? asks Mummy, when they are out in the courtyard.

I had to do a hard thing with my brain, says Fish, enigmatically.

.......

Mummy has taken Fish and Butterfly to a play date.

David and Katherine walk home.

They pass the church where Pastor Ray Moon used to harangue his congregation.

Good old Ray, says David. Wonder what he's doing now?

Nothing, says Ray gloomily, emerging from a wicket gate.

Jesus! says Katherine. Ray Moon! You look terrible! Is Unni back yet from Tasmania?

Yes, says Ray Moon.

Well, you should be pleased about that, says Katherine. I know she got rid of the lobster.

She got rid of the lobster, says Ray, but she came back with a girl fiend.

Girl friend? says David. What's wrong with that?

Girl FIEND, says Ray. Name of Rosamunda Secunda.

Dear me, says Katherine. I know her. She seems such a nice girl.

She believes in Nothing, says Ray. She's a malign influence.

Her motto, says Katherine, if I remember correctly, is Adapt or Die.

Oh, that's good, says David. Very Darwinian.

She learned it in China, says Katherine.

All the same, says David. Wisdom is wisdom. Ray?

But Ray has slunk back though the wicket gate.

He enters the holy place, dark, deserted and festooned with spider webs, and sits down in a pew.

Necessary Connection

Thursday.

On the way to school, Fish and Butterfly ask for more acorns.

Do you want to grow a tree? asks Katherine.

No, I want to grow a squirrel, says Fish.

......

Later that morning, at home.

David and Fish are down at the bottom of the garden. Fish collects worms.

Katherine appears.

Look Grandma, worms, would you like one?

No, says Katherine. It's too close to lunch time.

........

Minutes later, at the tap under the balcony.

Fish has found a thin white latex glove.

He attaches it to the tap and fills it with water.

David and Katherine watch as the glove fills with water. One finger takes more than the others and droops and bounces suggestively.

Boing! Boing! It almost touches the ground.

At last the glove bursts.

Fish runs inside for another.

David looks at Katherine. Katherine shrugs. Perhaps Fish won't find another.

But Fish does.

......

Fish is watching a movie called Fire and Rescue while eating his lunch.

Ham-cheese-tomato sauce. His favourite sandwich.

David and Katherine are in the kitchen.

Katherine: Do you want salad in yours?

David: Yes thank you.

Katherine: It's good that Butterfly is happy at school.

David: Yes, with Mrs Switch and Mrs Tailend.

Katherine: A nice little composite class. And she's sitting next to Citronella, which is lovely.

David: Yes, life is simple at seven.

Katherine: It would seem so. And you. You seem to enjoy spending time with your nephew.

David: I do. He is more philosophically interesting than I had expected.

Katherine: How?

David: He expects a squirrel to come from an acorn.

Katherine: Surely that's just an error.

David: Perhaps. Or perhaps it's an example of necessary connection.

Katherine: David, you lose me....

David: Acorn, grows into tree, attracts squirrel. Bingo.

Katherine: I wish you would give up trying to prove the unprovable. Would you like sauce?

David: You know I don't like sauce.

Katherine: And in any case, there are no squirrels here.

David: It's philosophy, and therefore irrelevant. So, what's in my sandwich?

Katherine: Here you are. Salad and sausage.

David: Don't you mean sausage and salad?

Katherine: You're right, David. That's what I mean.

Time Is A Puzzle

On Wednesday morning, David Hume eats his breakfast in front of the television.

Not his normal procedure.

On the screen, a cartoon in which a girl with green teeth and bad breath is cajoled into seeing the dentist.

Butterfly and Fish are meant to be putting their clothes on.

But, eyes glued to the television, they are still slowly munching jam toast.

......

Eight thirty. David, Katherine and Fish walk with Butterfly to school.

On the way they walk under a tree sparsely hung with acorns.

Acorns, says David to Fish. Would you like one?

Yes. Fish would like more than one.

David picks several acorns.

Katherine snaps off four acorns for Butterfly.

Butterfly is entranced by the acorns. Can you eat them?

No, says Katherine. Not unless you are starving. Squirrels eat them.

Butterfly shoves the acorns into her pocket. Two for herself and two for her best friend Citronella.

.......

Later. At home.

On the stairs again. David and Fish launching parachutes.

Get them! says Fish. Get mine first!

This time Katherine is picking them up, and handing them up to the droppers.

This does not save any time whatsoever.

......

Lunch time. Katherine has opened a tin of Big Red Tomato Soup.

David's phone rings. It's Vello.

Vello: How's it going?

David: Oh, you know....

Vello: No, I don't know. Belle et Bonne was fully grown when I adopted her.

David: Ahem. Let's not.....

Vello: Can you do me a favour?

David: No! Acorns are nuts.

Vello: I beg your pardon?

David: Fish just put his acorns in water.

Vello: He must think that they're seeds.

David: Yes, he must.

Vello: How delightful to shape a young mind.

David: What's the favour?

Vello: Could you cut short your visit? I'm thinking of putting on a Fringe show.

David: Would love to, old chap but I can't. Katherine would simply explode. I'll be home by next Monday. Meanwhile I've got family duties.

Vello: Ha ha. How do you endure it?

David: I think philosophical thoughts. For example, I'm beginning to think the Newtonian view of time is the wrong one. Time is not a fundamental structure of the universe independent of events.

Vello: So you subscribe now to Leibniz and Kant?

David: In that time is not measurable? I think so. Yes, yes, all right, a puzzle....

Vello: Indeed. Time is a puzzle.

David: No, I'm talking to Fish. We're about to start doing a puzzle.

The Philosophy Of Cause And Effect

Some time has elapsed.

But we might suppose that it hasn't.

In which case, it is last Tuesday.

David Hume is thinking along similar lines.

You do look sour, David, says his mother. What's the matter?

I am attempting to project myself into the future, says David.

You don't need to do that, says Katherine. It's what happens anyway.

Ah, says David. But I was attempting to do it without experiencing the interim.

It will be over soon enough, says Katherine. You'd be sorry if you missed it.

If I missed it, says David, there would be nothing to be sorry about.

Katherine sighs and opens her novel, Like Water for Chocolate.

David closes his eyes, until the plane lands in Sydney.

.........

David and Katherine are on the train to Emu Plains.

Katherine is reading her novel, which is mildly erotic.

David sighs loudly.

Shh! says Katherine. This is a quiet carriage.

I was just thinking, says David, about cause and effect.

And there was an example of it, says Katherine.

What? says David.

Katherine frowns.

David supposes the frown is another example.

The train arrives in Emu Plains.

.........

Grandma! cries Butterfly. Come upstairs to my bedroom!

Uncle David! cries Fish. Do you want to go in our pool?

No, Fish, says David, but thank you for asking.

Well, do you want to play sky diving? says Fish.

Where? asks David.

On the stairs, says Fish. You have the blue one and I'll have the green one.

Fish and David climb half way up the stairs.

Fish drops a green man with a flimsy white parachute over the bannister.

David drops his blue man at the same time.

The blue man and the green man float gently down to the tiles in the passageway.

Again, says Fish. You get them.

David climbs down the stairs to retrieve the blue man and the green man,

He looks at his watch.

Fish, says David, on my way here I was thinking.

What were you thinking? asks Fish.

About why things happen, says David. Why do we think one thing causes another, and yet we can't prove it?

I know, says Fish.

I should be interested to hear what you know, says David.

I just know, says Fish, releasing his parachute.

It lands on the floor like a tent.

..........

It is dinner time.

There is chicken and cake, and real ginger beer.

Tomorrow, mummy and daddy must go off to work and Butterfly must go back to school.

Leaving Katherine and David at home to look after Fish.