You Were Not Always Ugly

Rosamunda and Belle et Bonne are first to arrive the next morning.

How was the date night ? asks Belle et Bonne.

Date night? says Rosamunda. It wasn't a date night. It was good till we got stuck on the Ferris Wheel.

Ooh, says Belle et Bonne. What did you talk about?

Pedals, says Rosamunda. But your dad couldn't remember the names of them.

That's not like him, says Belle. Perhaps he was distracted.

Perhaps he was, says Rosamunda.

Did he ask to adopt you? asks Belle.

Course he didn't, says Rosamunda.

Ray enters, with Terence.

Are we early? says Ray.

No, says Rosamunda. Everyone's late. Let's get started. Ray, you've just killed the Jew and the Grand Inquisitor. Now you, Cunégonde and the Old Lady escape to Cadiz.

David's not here, says Belle. Who'll play the Old Lady?

Me, me! says Terence. I love the Old Lady. She only has half a bum.

It's not funny, Terence, says Rosamunda. You tell a long story on the voyage. Are you sure you can do it?

Half a bum, says Terence, twisting to look at his own bum, unsuccessfully.

You can't make it up, says Rosamunda. Tell him, Ray.

You were not always ugly, says Ray. You are the daughter of Pope Urban X and the Princess of Palestrina. You were betrothed to a prince, but he died of convulsions after being poisoned by chocolate given to him by his mistress before the wedding.

Chocolate! says Terence.

Is that all you've absorbed? says Ray.

No! says Terence When does my bum get chopped off?

Not yet, says Ray. You go off on a yacht with your mother, and get captured by Moorish pirates. You're strip-searched for diamonds. The Moors poke their fingers up....

Ray! says Belle et Bonne. Terence is too young for such details.......

If you say so, says Ray. So, you and your mother are carried off to Morocco and sold as slaves. You're rescued by a eunuch and sold to the governor of Algiers. There you catch the plague, but you survive. After passing through many hands you end up in Constantinople.

I can't remember all that, says Terence. Can't I just go there and get half my bum off?

No, you have to remember it all, says Rosamunda. It's a dramatic build-up of circumstances.

You end up in a fortress at the Sea of Azov, besieged by Russians, says Ray. Soon there is nothing to eat. So the soldiers decide to eat the ladies. But a Mohammedan priest persuades them to only cut one buttock off each of the ladies. That way, he says, you will be provided with a delicious meal, and if you need more, you can have the same again in a few days time.

That makes sense, says Terence.

Just then in comes Vello.

How was the Fringe show last night? asks Ray.

Excellent, top class, says Vello. Until we  got stuck on the Ferris Wheel.

How come I never go ANYWHERE? says Terence.

That's about to change, says Vello. I've got tickets to Manga tonight, and I can't go. It's Japanese, just like your otter. Perhaps Ray could take you?

Yay! says Terence, looking sideways at Ray for his reaction.

Ray assents. He never knocks back a free ticket.