Stage 20: Grenoble to Grenoble

It's the day of the individual time trials and all eyes are on Evans and the Schlecks. The dogs have got together in the dog tent to watch the television coverage. Molly, Jacks, Tour and Frank Scleck's dog Stewie are glued to the screen.

Jacks: I'm really nervous.

Molly: You should be, Jacks. Cadel's done his homework.

Stewie: I'm nervous too.

Tour: Me too. I'm probably more nervous than all of you.

Jacks: You know what, in an ideal world we'd all be hanging out for Farky MacTaggart to win.

Tour: Why? Because he's a dog? That's racist.

Stewie: Worse, it's species-ist.

Molly: Farky MacTaggart. I went out with him once. He's cool. He's into Japanese literature.

Stewie: No kidding! So am I!

Tour: Me too! I love those comics.

Molly: Not the comics, lowbrow!

Tour: Wooo! Lowbrow am I? Who of you has read all of Don Quixote?

Stewie: Donkey who? Is that like Donkey Kong?

Jacks: Shut up everyone, and watch.

Molly: Who's on next? Hey, it's that old guy from Team Bumptious who did so well yesterday.

......

Gaius is getting ready for his time trial. Violetta and Le Bon David are encouraging him while watching him warm up.

Le Bon David: Now Gaius, you did extremely well yesterday. This is your chance to rise in the overall standings.

Gaius: Yes, from nearly bottom.

Violetta: Don't be defeatist. Have a mint.

Le Bon David: Mint? What sort of mint?

Gaius: They're hot mints. They buck you up. Thanks, Violetta.

He takes two.

Le Bon David: Violetta, I hope you are not taking advantage of the innocent nature of Gaius Plinius Secundus.

Violetta: As if!

Gaius: Of course she isn't. And thanks for the reminder David. It's not for nothing that I'm a proud Secundus!

Violetta: You're planning on coming second? You'd better have another mint.

Stage 16: Saint-Paul-Trois-Chateaux to Gap

It's now Stage 16 in the Tour de France, and the last day before the Alps. We are about to find out what sort of stuff Alberto Contador, Cadel Evans and Andy Schleck are made of. On the wet descent into Gap, Evans passes Contador, to become overall second in the race. The commentators are excited.

Phil Liggett: Look at that! Evans is showing that he really wants to win this race.

Paul Sherwen: He is indeed. But Contador is still a force to be reckoned with.

Phil Liggett: He is. But where's Andy Schleck? He certainly doesn't seem to be at his best today.

Paul Sherwen: No he doesn't. Perhaps he ate something that disagreed with him yesterday.

Phil Liggett: If he did he wouldn't be the only one. The story is that Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious are suffering nasty stomach cramps after eating some Duck a la Limoux at their rest day picnic.

Paul Sherwen: That's one version of the story, Phil. I've heard from other sources that they overindulged in some of the local wines as well, and that's the reason why they're a little bit under the weather this morning.

Phil Liggett: Well, well. At least they're still riding. And they're very fortunate that their best rider Farky MacTaggart doesn't seem to have been affected at all.

Paul Sherwen: No. I was chatting to his team mate Sweezus earlier, and he told me that Farky MacTaggart is tee total, and also that he will never knowingly eat garlic. Which is by the way one of the main ingredients of Duck a la Limoux.

Phil Liggett: Well, thanks for that information Paul. Now perhaps you'd like to tell us why the air here smells of lavender?

Paul Sherwen: But it doesn't, does it?

Phil Liggett: I was just testing you.

Paul Sherwen: It does in the spring.

Phil Liggett: There you have it, from the man who knows.