Camus/Camoo

The following day, Gaius and Sweezus cycled down to Victor Harbor.

Tell me what you know about Camus, said Gaius. It may help us to find him.

Yeah, said Sweezus. It might. Umm, well, I only met him a couple of times, in the office with the girls. He seemed kind of.... you know....

No I don't know, said Gaius. That isn't very helpful. Would you say he was the sort of person who would stay in a cabin?

He came from a poor family in Algeria, said Sweezus. But rose to become an influential philosopher and intellectual giant.

Then obviously, said Gaius, he wouldn't choose to slum it in a cabin. I say we go and look for him at McCracken.

McCracken? said Sweezus. The resort? Oh okay, if you say so. I always wanted to see what it was like.

They arrived at McCracken late in the afternoon, and enquired at reception if Camus was staying there.

We don't give out that sort of information, said the receptionist.

Fortunately at that moment Camus walked by on his way to the swimming pool.

Camoo! shouted Sweezus. You're here!

That depends, said Camus, on what you mean by here.

See, said Sweezus, I told you he was smart.

Indeed, said Gaius. Hello Mr Camoo.

Please, said Camus. Call me Camus.

I thought I was, said Gaius. Does it not sound the same?

Not to me, said Camus, I am sensitive to such things. And who are you?

Gaius Plinius Secundus, said Gaius. Also known as Pliny the Elder, at your service. We have been sent to find you.

I am not missing, said Camus, but welcome, anyway.

Stage 20: Grenoble to Grenoble

It's the day of the individual time trials and all eyes are on Evans and the Schlecks. The dogs have got together in the dog tent to watch the television coverage. Molly, Jacks, Tour and Frank Scleck's dog Stewie are glued to the screen.

Jacks: I'm really nervous.

Molly: You should be, Jacks. Cadel's done his homework.

Stewie: I'm nervous too.

Tour: Me too. I'm probably more nervous than all of you.

Jacks: You know what, in an ideal world we'd all be hanging out for Farky MacTaggart to win.

Tour: Why? Because he's a dog? That's racist.

Stewie: Worse, it's species-ist.

Molly: Farky MacTaggart. I went out with him once. He's cool. He's into Japanese literature.

Stewie: No kidding! So am I!

Tour: Me too! I love those comics.

Molly: Not the comics, lowbrow!

Tour: Wooo! Lowbrow am I? Who of you has read all of Don Quixote?

Stewie: Donkey who? Is that like Donkey Kong?

Jacks: Shut up everyone, and watch.

Molly: Who's on next? Hey, it's that old guy from Team Bumptious who did so well yesterday.

......

Gaius is getting ready for his time trial. Violetta and Le Bon David are encouraging him while watching him warm up.

Le Bon David: Now Gaius, you did extremely well yesterday. This is your chance to rise in the overall standings.

Gaius: Yes, from nearly bottom.

Violetta: Don't be defeatist. Have a mint.

Le Bon David: Mint? What sort of mint?

Gaius: They're hot mints. They buck you up. Thanks, Violetta.

He takes two.

Le Bon David: Violetta, I hope you are not taking advantage of the innocent nature of Gaius Plinius Secundus.

Violetta: As if!

Gaius: Of course she isn't. And thanks for the reminder David. It's not for nothing that I'm a proud Secundus!

Violetta: You're planning on coming second? You'd better have another mint.

Not THAT Violetta

Combine the two? Gustave wondered what Violetta meant. He motioned Gaius to come over.

This is Gaius, he said to Violetta. And this is Violetta.

THE Violetta? asked Gaius.

Which one? asked Violetta.

Don't you know? asked Gaius, confused.

Of course I know, said Violetta. But I don't know if YOU know.

Well, said Gaius. My guess is you are not the famous Violetta with no arms and no legs, who worked in the music halls.

Because I have arms and legs, said Violetta?

No, because you are too plump, said Gaius.

Then, realising his mistake, he added, But you do have arms and legs.

And then, because he felt he had not yet put things right, he said, And you are not so very plump.

Well said, old friend, interrupted Gustave. But before you dig yourself any further into that hole, I should tell you Violetta is the newest member of Team Bumptious and will be joining us in our training regime tomorrow morning.

Very good, approved Gaius. So let us all now go home for an early night.

Gustave looked at Violetta.

Good idea, said Violetta. I'll meet you at Cibo's in Norwood at 8am, for coffee. Then, after we've ridden around for a bit, I promise to show you both something interesting. Good night, boys! See you in the morning.

She stood up and left the bar.

Gustave looked at Gaius.

That was your fault, he said.

Team Bumptious

Team Bumptious, I like it, said Gustave. Aggression, self aggrandisement, thrills and spills.

Thrills and spills, said Gaius. I don't know about that.

Bumps! said Gustave. Bumptious. Word play, don't you see?

Hmm, said Gaius. I have no intention of bumping into anyone, or falling off my bicycle. But Team Bumptious it shall be. Now we ought to go home and get an early night, so we can start practicing first thing in the morning.

No, no, said Gustave. Since this is our last night before we begin a strict training regime, I vote we make a night of it. Would you like another glass of red? And look, there's our plump lady sitting over there by herself.

He went over to reintroduce himself to the plump lady.

Hello again, he said, I believe we sat together at table 26.

Yes I remember, said the plump lady, what do you want?

To join you, said Gustave, with a twirl of his walrus moustache.

Why, am I coming apart? said the lady.

Ha ha, laughed Gustave. A sense of humour. I like that in a woman. I am Gustave Flaubert. And my friend over there is Gaius Plinius Secundus, he added, waving a finger vaguely in Gaius's direction.

My name is Violetta, said the lady. Are you THE Gustave Flaubert? And is your friend THE Gaius Plinius Secundus?

We are, said Gustave. And are you THE Violetta?

That depends on who you think THE Violetta is, said the lady. I like to think so. And I rather think that we three are going to be friends. What are you both doing tomorrow?

Unfortunately, we are beginning a strict cycling regime so our team will be ready for the Tour De France in July, said Gustave.

Oh! Would you like another member? asked Violetta. I could do with some exercise.

That is not quite what I had in mind, said Gustave.

It's not quite what I had in mind either, said Violetta. But perhaps we can combine the two.

A Holden Man

Pliny the Elder caught the bus into the city early in the morning. He was excited. What was the Clipsal? He didn't know.

He arrived at the gates and presented his ticket.

Good morning Mr Secundus, said the guard.

Mr Secundus? said Pliny. Oh yes, that's me. Good morning. Perhaps you could tell me where to go?

Certainly Mr Secundus. The Premier's Corporate Box is right opposite the Grandstand in front of Pit Straight. You can't miss it. I'm sorry sir, but may I just look in your bag?

Whatever for? asked Pliny. I've only got these sandwiches.

Ha ha, you won't need these sir, being in a corporate box. You'll have all you can eat and drink! But these sandwiches will have to go in the bin.

Outrageous! spluttered Pliny. What a waste! But do you mean to say that food and drink will be provided free of charge?

Certainly sir, to you it will. You're one of the lucky ones. Food and drink can't be brought in. It has to be bought inside. Sponsor's rules. Well, enjoy your day sir.

Pliny walked until he reached the Premier's Corporate Box, and went inside. There were several people there already, picking at the food, and drinking beer.

Hello, said Pliny, to a man in a blue jacket.

Hello, said the man in the blue jacket. I see you are a Holden man.

I am beholden to no man, said Pliny stiffly. Just because I accepted this free ticket....

No, no, said the man. You're wearing a red jacket. That means you're a Holden man. I'm wearing a blue jacket. That means I'm a Ford man.

Oh does it? said Pliny. Are they types of cars?

Ha ha, said the man. Courtney or Whincup?

What? said Pliny, picking up a prawn cracker and nibbling it.

Who d'you reckon will be this year's champion?

Oh, I see, said Pliny. Which one is the Holden man?

They both are, said the man. Are you kidding me?

Pliny decided to go with the flow.

Whincup, he said. He sounds lucky.

Pure Narrative

Un..bee...leivable! whistled the VeloDrone. They loved Freud's story about his granddaughter's bicycle. Just look at all these comments!

Le Bon David shook his head. I don't understand it, he said. I thought we had a better class of readers than that. It was nothing but pure narrative with no philosophical content at all.

Steady on, said the VeloDrone, it was your idea to tell them that anything could be considered philosophy as long as it had a bike in it.

Oh please! snapped Le Bon David. Don't tell me you don't understand irony either.

Yes, yes, of course I do, David, I'm just saying we shouldn't be surprised. Now look at this comment here. It's from a chap called Gaius Plinius Secundus. He says it's a very moving story, full of wisdom and nobility. He says he's going to recommend our magazine to all his friends.

Did you say Gaius Plinius Secundus, VeloDrone?

Yes.

The famous Pliny the Elder?

Why yes, I suppose so, David.

Here's a thought. What say we ask him to contribute an article? Now that would be something worth reading, I'll bet you a farthing.

Hee Hee! A penny farthing ! But yes it's time we took back control of our magazine. Submitting to blackmail is no way to guarantee quality.

It certainly isn't. One only has to remember the fake Stephen Hawking debacle. Alright. I'll get on to Pliny tonight.