Loafing

The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were waiting outside.

Sweezus! said The VeloDrone. I thought you were in Victor Harbor already!

It's a long story, said Sweezus. I'm composing it now in my head. Unfortunately the plot keeps on changing.

Excellent, excellent, said the VeloDrone. You must tell us all about it on the way. I assume that you're coming?

Yes, said Sweezus. Mephisto returns to Victor Harbor! he added dramatically.

Mephisto? said Le Bon David, Who's he?

That's Sweezus, Uncle David, said Belle et Bonne. He's made up this wizard name for himself, in the story.

Hardly a wizard name, said Le Bon David. More like the devil! I'm surprised at you Sweezus!

I'm dabbling in nihilism, said Sweezus.

Then call yourself Nemo, said Le Bon David.

Nope, said Sweezus, that would be mega uncool.

They got on their bikes and rode down the hill from Mount Compass in the direction of Victor Harbor.

I'm looking forward to whale-watching, said The VeloDrone. I've not done it before. Does anyone know how it's done?

I know, said Belle et Bonne. I've been following Whale Watch. What you do is, you stand on a cliff and you look out to sea, and try to spot whales.

And then what? asked Le Bon David.

Simple, said Belle et Bonne. If you spot any whales, you try and identify them, then you log in to Whale Watch. You record where and when you saw them, and what they were doing. For example they might be loafing, or flipper-slapping, or blowing.

How do you know if they're loafing? asked Le Bon David.

That's just what I was going to ask, said The VeloDrone.

So was I, said Mephisto.

We'll have to ask Victor, said Belle et Bonne.

Stage 19: Modane Valfrejus to Alpe d'Huez

Andy Schleck surprised everyone yesterday. Now it is Alberto Contador's turn to go out early. The VeloDrone and Gustave are not overly concerned.

Gustave: I've been thinking about what you said yesterday, Vello.

The VeloDrone: What was that?

Gustave : That the obvious can still be bizarre. I don't see how it can.

The VeloDrone: Tut! Sometimes I come out with these things. But I'm sure I can justify my statement.....yes yes, for example, say you are reading a novel, and the hero or heroine coughs. It is obvious that later in the novel he or she is going to die. And yet, it's just one cough! The situation is bizarre!

Gustave: Oh, well done, Vello! I like a man who can wriggle out of a stupid statement.

The VeloDrone: Do you?

.......

Meanwhile Violetta and Farky have dropped back to ride beside Gaius, who is looking troubled.

Violetta: Gaius! Farky and I are about to make our big move. Want to be in it?

Gaius: I don't think I'd be able to keep up.

Violetta: Here! Have one of these!

Farky: What's that?

Violetta: Nothing. Just a sweetie.

Gaius: I could use a sweetie. Is it a mint?

Violetta (coughs): Excuse me! Yes, just a mint. Swallow it quick!

Gaius: Thank you, Violetta.

He tries to swallow the 'mint' without any water, and chokes.

Gaius (coughs): Excuse me! Oh yes, that's done the trick. I think I'll keep up with you now.

.....

Sweezus has slowed down to draw level with The VeloDrone and Gustave.

Sweezus: What's wrong with Violetta and Gaius? I heard both of them coughing.

Gustave and The VeloDrone exchange knowing looks.

Stage 13: Pau to Lourdes

It is now Stage 13 of the Tour de France, and Le Bon David and The VeloDrone are again walking their bicycles up a hill. Today it is the Col d'Aubisque, somewhere on the way to Lourdes.

The VeloDrone: These hills! I shall be glad to get to Lourdes.

Le Bon David: Me too.

The VeloDrone: Ah, Lourdes, the home of miracles. How was it that you used to describe a miracle, David?

Le Bon David: A violation of the laws of nature.

The VeloDrone: Yes, yes, that was it. I wonder what young Sweezus thinks of miracles. We should ask him.

Just then Sweezus appeared behind them, although this was not a miracle. He had made a comfort stop, and was now catching up.

Sweezus: Hi guys? Walking? How come?

The VeloDrone: We may walk all the way to Lourdes. We're quite knackered. Strangely, we were just talking about you.

Le Bon David: Yes, we were wondering about your thoughts on miracles.

Sweezus: Miracles? You're asking the wrong guy. I never paid attention in Religious Ed. That was when I used to catch up on my homework.

Le Bon David: But surely....aren't you supposed to have done a few yourself?

Sweezus; Am I? Don't think so. But if you want to hear a real miracle I have one for you.

The VeloDrone: What?

Sweezus: Team Bumptious are leading the breakaway. They're riding like the clappers. God knows why.

Stage 9: Issoire to Saint-Flour

The following day, Le Bon David was still smarting from Gustave's remark. Dodging fallen riders, he manoeuvred his bike into the space beside his new team mate.

Le Bon David: I've been thinking, Gustave, about what you said yesterday.

Gustave: Have you, David? Remind me, what did I say?

Le Bon David: You said, 'And you call yourself a philosopher'.

Gustave: Oh yes, you don't seem a very ethical one. Nor do any of your so-called Team Philosophe.

Le Bon David: Well, I just wanted to say, I think that's rich coming from you.

Gustave (shocked): Why so?

Le Bon David: One word, Gustave, one word: Grafitti.

Gustave (even more shocked): Mon dieu! You don't think it was ME!

.....

Meanwhile Farky, riding slowly uphill with Sweezus and The VeloDrone, was telling them all about Molly.

Farky: And to make matters worse, she googled the author Yukio Mishima, and discovered a terrible thing.

Sweezus: What?

Farky: When Yukio Mishima had completed his masterpiece, a tetrology called The Sea of Fertility, he committed seppuku.

The VeloDrone: Good gracious, how dreadful!

Sweezus: What's that? What's seppuku?

The VeloDrone: It's ritual suicide.

Farky: Yes. Ritual suicide. Yukio always said he would die when he finished it. But it gets worse.

Sweezus: How can it get worse?

Farky, Well what you do is, you kill yourself and then your friend cuts off your head.

Sweezus: Euuggh!

Farky: No, it gets even worse.

Sweezus: I don't want to hear it.

The VeloDrone: Save it for tomorrow, Farky old chap. We're having a rest day, and I'm inviting Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious to a grand picnic.

Sweezus: Yeah, save it, Farky. A picnic! That's cool!

Stage Five: Carhaix to Cap Frehel

Stage Five from Carhaix to Cap Frehel is being dogged by a series of crashes, but Gustave and Violetta are safe at the rear of the peloton. Gustave is ticking off Violetta.

Gustave: I thought you promised not to bring your paints. What's this rumour I hear?

Violetta: I didn't promise. You said 'I trust you are not going to bring your paints'. And I said 'Yes', meaning 'Yes I realise that you trust I am not going to bring my paints but that doesn't mean I'm not going to bring them.

Gustave: That is excessively deceptive of you Violetta. I'm very disappointed.

Violetta: Chill out Gustave. You'll probably end up being glad I brought them.

Gustave: I doubt it, Violetta.

........

Meanwhile, Le Bon David, The VeloDrone, Sweezus and Farky are riding together past some wind turbines.

Le Bon David: Look! Wind turbines!

The VeloDrone: Wonderful things, wind turbines. Clean renewable energy.

Sweezus: Yeah, but listen....

The VeloDrone: Yes, they are a bit noisy.

Sweezus: No I mean, listen, we have to talk about the dog situation.

Farky: What dog situation?

Sweezus: You know. How are you going to make friends with Contador's and Cadel Evans's dogs with people watching your every move?

Farky: Don't worry, it's all under control. I'm eating out tonight with Molly.

Le Bon David: Oh good man!

Farky: Watch it!

Stage 4: Lorient to Mur-de-Bretagne

Rumour was rife amongst the riders, after Sweezus and Violetta had been overheard yesterday. Everyone was speculating about the secret weapons, including the commentary team.

Phil Liggett: Well Paul, I suppose you've heard about the secret weapons?

Paul Sherwen: I have indeed Phil. I bet Contador is shaking in his shoes, and Cadel Evans too, after his win today.

Phil Liggett: I think we can discount the paints as a secret weapon. Any team that uses paints will be sure to be disqualified. It's Farky who'll be the one to watch.

Paul Sherwen: He certainly will. And what a colourful character he is. The only dog ever to have ridden in the Tour de France. The puzzling thing is, he doesn't ride particularly fast.

Phil Liggett: That's true. It does make you wonder.

........

Meanwhile, somewhere between Lorient and Mur-de-Bretagne, The VeloDrone is ticking off Sweezus.

The VeloDrone: I mean, what's the point of a secret weapon, if you're going to blab to everyone about it?

Sweezus: Sorry, I didn't think anyone was listening.

The VeloDrone: You didn't eh? Then why were you talking?

Sweezus: I was talking to Violetta.

The VeloDrone: Hmm. Well there's no reason to tell her all our secrets.

Sweezus: I know. It sucks. Now everyone's watching Farky's every move. How's he going to get friendly with Contador's dog without people suspecting his motives?

The VeloDrone: Don't ask me. But it may not be Contador's dog that he needs to get friendly with anyway. Cadel Evans is looking pretty strong today.

Sweezus: Does Cadel have a dog?

The VeloDrone: I should say so! Haven't you heard of the famous Molly?

Stage 2 - Les Essarts to Les Essarts

Why was Alberto Contador grinning yesterday, as he passed Team Philosophe? Was it because he had passed Team Philosophe?

That is not very likely.

Was it because he had spied Farky's customised panda racing hat?

That is a little more likely.

Was it because he has seen his most feared rival Sweezus bobbing around in the sea back at the Passage du Gois?

That is even more likely.

Or was it because he was unaware that soon he would be involved in a pileup that would lose him well over a minute at the end of the day?

He stopped smiling after that.

.....

It was day two of the Tour. The Team Time Trials. Team Philosophe was in a pickle.

The VeloDrone: What can we do? We have only four riders and it's the fifth rider's time that counts.

Le Bon David: What we usually do. Join up with someone.

Sweezus: If only Marie and Belle et Bonne were here.

Farky: But we don't need them. Let's ask Team Bumptious. They're in the same boat.

So they asked Gustave if Team Bumptious would consider teaming up for the time trials. Gustave conferred with his team.

Gustave: Well what do you say?

Gaius: I say let's do it.

Violetta: I say so too. That Sweezus is hot.

Gustave: No he isn't. Did you hear what he did yesterday? He stopped riding and went for a swim.

Violetta: So romantic!

Gaius: Tch!

Stage One - to Mont des Alouettes

With the Passage du Gois well behind them, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were in the middle of the main peloton, riding through the Vendee, on their way to Mont des Alouettes.

Any idea where Sweezus and Farky have got to? asked Le Bon David.

No, said The VeloDrone. But I hope they're somewhere in front.

Just then Farky came up behind them, resplendent in his Team Philosphe jersey and his customised panda racing hat.

Farky! said Le Bon David. How goes it? We thought you were up at the front.

Whoooo!! said Farky. No. This racing is hard. And Sweezus is way behind me.

Have a drink, said The VeloDrone, handing him an electrolytic sports drink.

Yuk, said Farky. Got any water?

No, said The VeloDrone. You'd better drink this. And what's wrong wih Sweezus?

He's missing the girls, said Farky.

The girls! said Le Bon David, shocked. There are lots of girls here.

He knows, said Farky. But he's missing Marie and Belle et Bonne. When we were riding along the Passage du Gois he got quite emotional, and wanted to stop for a bit. He sent them both a text and then decided to go for a dip. He's still in the water as far as I know.

Good heavens! said The VeloDrone. I hadn't anticipated this.

At that moment Albert Contador rode past, grinning widely.

Easy Beats

Gustave was not without influence in Paris. In a matter of hours Team Bumptious found itself booked on a flight to France, flying business class, with their bicycles professionally packed.

Now Violetta, said Gustave. I trust you will not be bringing your paints.

Yes, said Violetta.

Gustave left it at that.

The VeloDrone too was not without influence. He had secured a free flight for Team Philosophe including four bicycles on the same plane as Team Bumptious.

There was a tricky moment at the boarding gate when it was noticed that one of the team members was a dog.

May I see your ticket? asked the flight attendant.

Certainly, said Farky, showing his ticket, and a letter from Nicholas Sarkozy.

Welcome aboard, Mr MacTaggart, said the flight attendant. I hope you enjoy your flight.

Look over there, whispered Sweezus. Who's that?

Where? said Farky, looking around.

There, said Sweezus. Fat man with the mo, with the skinny guy in the toga and the woman with the massive bag.

I know who that is, said Le Bon David. That's Gustave Flaubert, the well-known writer. And that's his team, Team Bumptious. They're riding in the Tour.

They look like easy beats, said Sweezus.

Don't underestimate them, said The VeloDrone.

Haysoos

The fish and chips were eaten and the plates were washed. Everyone was sitting around the table chatting. Mrs Hume had begun to warm to Sweezus.

You know, she said, I would be inclined to believe it, if you were Spanish.

Believe what? asked Sweezus, suppressing a burp of repletion.

You name being Jesus, said Mrs Hume. A lot of Spanish are called Jesus.

They are, but they pronounce it Haysoos, said Sweezus.

Do they really? said Mrs Hume. And do they pronounce Joseph Hoseph?

Hosay, I think, but I don't really know, said Sweezus, not being Spanish myself.

What a pity, said Mrs Hume. I like the Spanish. Except for that Alberto Contador.

We don't like him either, said Farky, butting in. He's our main rival in the Tour de France.

That's no reason for not liking him, said Le Bon David.

There you go, David, said Mrs Hume. Philosophising in that shallow Velosophy way.

Mother, said Le Bon David. I hadn't finished my argument.

Well, said The VeloDrone. It's been lovely, Mrs Hume, but we've all had a very long day, including, no doubt, yourself. I think it's time for us to be thinking of going.

Everyone stood up.

Well, thank you David dear, for picking me up and driving me home, said Mrs Hume. And good luck all of you in the Tour de France. Oh, and when you go out, would one of you mind turning my pot? The one in the corner with the tree? You look strong, she said, looking at Sweezus.

Alright, said Sweezus. No worries. Bye Mrs Hume!

Le Bon David grinned at The VeloDrone as they stepped out into the night.

That went pretty well, he said.

It did, agreed The VeloDrone.

No One Wants Bread

It wasn't long before they were all back in the Kia Rio, heading for Mrs Hume's apartment with an enormous serve of fish and chips wrapped up in white paper.

Ouch it's hot! said Farky, who had offered to hold the fish and chips on his lap. Only, as he soon discovered, he did not have a lap.

Ouch ! Ouch! he cried.

Give it to me, said The VeloDrone. I don't know why you wanted to hold it in the first place.

So I could smell it! whined Farky pathetically.

We can all smell it, wherever it is, said Mrs Hume. This is a very small car.

Soon they were inside Mrs Hume's apartment, with the lights and the heater on, and the table set with four plates for the fish and chips.

Where's my plate? asked Farky.

On the floor in the kitchen, said Mrs Hume.

Mother, said Le Bon David. I must insist that you treat Farky as one of us. He is a member of Team Philosophe.

Alright, David, said his mother. But I must say it is against all reason.

Farky sat up to the table and began to wolf down his fish and chips. Sweezus did the same. Le Bon David and the VeloDrone waited for Mrs Hume to begin eating.

Why have I got so many chips? asked Mrs Hume. Has someone put some of theirs on my plate when I wasn't looking?

No mother, said Le Bon David. Why would anyone do that?

Would anyone like any bread? continued Mrs Hume, spearing a chip with her fork.

No! said Team Philosophe.

For a time, a chomping silence reigned.

The Fish and Chip Shop at Last

Speaking of the Tardis, said Mrs Hume, squeezing into the passenger seat of the Kia Rio next to Le Bon David, did anyone see Doctor Who last week?

I did, said Sweezus, who was sitting in the back, squashed between Farky and The Velodrone.

Was it good? asked Mrs Hume. I missed it because my daughter and I went out to dinner and afterwards we went on to a birthday party at the Bowling Club.

Did you mother? said Le Bon David. The Bowling Club? Was it nice?

It was lovely, said Mrs Hume. It was all done up. All the young people were dancing. Do you enjoy dancing? she asked Sweezus.

No, said Sweezus, but I like watching Doctor Who.

Do you really? said Mrs Hume. What a coincidence. Now David, do you know the way to the Fish and Chip Shop?

Of course I do, mother, said David. Straight on until Brighton, then turn right and head towards the sea.

Good directions, sniggered Farky.

Ha ha! laughed The VeloDrone. We'll all end up in the sea!

Shut up, said Le Bon David. I need to concentrate on my driving. I'm not used to it.

Still riding your bicycle I suppose, said his mother. Have you done any proper philosophy lately David? He used to be such a brilliant philosopher, she added, turning round and glaring at The VeloDrone. Until he got mixed up with your magazine. David, I wish you would get rid of your bicycle and buy a car. Your sister has a big one.

Yes mother, said Le Bon David. I know.

A bit too big, added his mother. I could hardly climb up into it.

At last they pulled up at the Brighton Fish and Chip Cafe. It was night time and the stars were out. They piled out of the Kia Rio and stood for a moment looking at the gleaming black sea heaving and rolling under the Brighton Jetty. Then they went into the shop.

The Devout Calvinist

Excuse me Mrs Hume, said Farky. Did you just say What is this dog?

Oh Good Heavens! said Mrs Hume. He talks!

Indeed I do, said Farky. I am Farquhar MacTaggart, named for the Earl of Ross.

Not a real dog then, said Mrs Hume, losing interest. And who is this?

This is Sweezus, mother, said Le Bon David.

Sweezus, this is my mother, Mrs Katherine Hume, formerly of Ninewells in Berwickshire.

Good evening, Mrs Hume, said Sweezus politely.

What kind of a name is SWEEZUS? demanded Mrs Hume.

It's my Twitter name, said Sweezus. My real name is Jesus.

Yes, mother, said Le Bon David. I'm sorry, I should have introduced him properly. This young man is Jesus.

Jesus! cried Mrs Hume. I am a devout Calvinist, and I can assure you that this young man is not Jesus.

Mother! said Le Bon David, embarrassed.

Doesn't matter, said Sweezus. I prefer Sweezus.

And that's a silly name, said Mrs Hume.

Now now, said the VeloDrone. Welcome home, Mrs Hume. I believe we're all going to the Brighton Fish Cafe to get fish and chips. Let us start moving. May I carry your bag? And how was your trip?

Very nice, said Mrs Hume. I stayed with my daughter. We hired a cabin by a lake. It was a lovely cabin but there was nowhere to hang up our clothes.

Tut tut, said The VeloDrone, ushering Mrs Hume towards the Kia Rio.

O Lord, said Mrs Hume, when she saw the car. David! How are we all going to fit in that?

There's a lot more room in it than you think, mother, said Le Bon David. It's a bit like a Tardis.

I hope so, said Mrs Hume.

A Slight Delay

Fish and chips! shouted Farky, when they finally reached the bottom of the hill. And don't we deserve it!

Yes, well actually, said Le Bon David, there's just something we have to do first.

What's that? asked The VeloDrone.

We must go to the airport and pick up Mother, said Le Bon David. I promised I'd meet her when she flew in from the Gold Coast.

What! On our bicycles? What about her luggage? asked The VeloDrone.

Don't worry, I've hired a car, said Le Bon David.

They cycled to the car hire office and picked up Le Bon David's car. It was a white Kia Rio.

Bit small, muttered Sweezus. How are we all going to fit in?

Easily, said Le Bon David. Leave your bikes over there and pile in.

Why does she have to arrive at tea time? When are we going to eat? grumbled Farky, whose stomach was growling.

Soon, said Le Bon David, as he stepped on the gas.

They got to the airport in good time. Le Bon David's mother was just walking up the ramp into 'arrivals'.

Hello Mother! said Le Bon David. How was your holiday?

Never mind that, said his mother. Who are these PEOPLE!!? And what is this DOG!!?

Fish and Chips

He knew where the others would go to practice. Old Mount Barker Road. Sweezus pedalled off in that direction.

Soon he came to a wide bend at the base of the climb. Farky, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were standing at the side of the road, deep in discussion. Sweezus stopped before they saw him and hid behind a tree to listen in.

Fish and chips, said Le Bon David. That's what we'll be having.

Good, said The VeloDrone. I like fish and chips.

Me too, said Farky.

Then you must come too, said Le Bon David.

Sweezus was intrigued. He was also a little annoyed. He had hoped to hear that Farky had been dropped from the team, due to his inability to ride a bike. But obviously Farky had already made it up to here.

Sweezus decide to go ahead with Plan Two. He wheeled his bike back a suitable distance, mounted it and started up the hill, riding past Team Philosophe at top speed.

Woohoo! said The VeloDrone. That's that young Sweezus fellow. Look at him go! Hey there! Sweezus! Stop a minute!

Sweezus stopped, and turned back.

Oh it's you, he said. What are you doing out here?

As if you didn't know, said Farky.

We're training for the Tour de France, said Le Bon David. Want to join our team? We call ourselves Team Philosophe.

Oh wow! said Sweezus. This is an honour! Thanks guys. Yes I will!

It's not that much of an honour, said The VeloDrone. But welcome on board. Right chaps, up the hill and down, and then it's fish and chips!

The True Observer

Sweezus was unhappy. He didn't really have a plan to prove that he was tricky enough to be selected for Team Philosophe.

It's not fair, he thought. Farky can't even ride. What can I do to impress The VeloDrone?

Sweezus liked to think he was a methodical thinker. He made a list.

ONE: WRITE A KILLER ARTICLE FOR VELOSOPHY DEMONSTRATING SLIPPERY THINKING

TWO: IMPRESS THE VELODRONE BY RIDING FASTER THAN THE REST OF THE TEAM

THREE: PRETEND I HAVE CONTACTS IN THE TOUR DE FRANCE

Right! His first priority would be the killer article. He sighed. More writing. He sat down at his computer and began:

Concerning man, other animals and bicycles ( a working title )

I used to think that I knew right from wrong. That was until I met a dog called Farquhar. ( Maybe I should give him another name? This might not work in my favour. Oh stuff it.) One day I went to the Zoo with Farquhar.

I spent my time looking at the enclosed animals and trying to imagine what it would be like to be them. I thought it was the proper thing to do. Farquhar simply reacted naturally to what he saw. He was shocked by the skeleton of a former zoo favourite and terrified by the bats.

Imagine our different reactions had we seen a bicycle locked inside a cage. I would have tried to construct a narrative for the bicycle. That it was a monkey's toy, it had been abandoned, it used to belong to the elephant keeper, or something else to that effect.

Farquhar the true observer would have merely said, Meh! A bicycle.

Sheesh! said Sweezus, to himself. That's a bit too slippery. I've got myself into a right hole. Maybe I should go straight to Plan Two.

He stood up, and went outside to inflate the tyres on his road bike.

Contador's Dog

Have you ever tried to ride a bicycle, Farky? asked Belle et Bonne.

No, said Farky, but I used to travel in a bicycle basket when I was a puppy.

Would you like to learn to ride? asked The VeloDrone.

Dogs can't ride, said Farky.

Dogs can't talk, replied The VeloDrone.

True, said Farky. Yes, I would like to learn how to ride.

Good, said the VeloDrone. I'm looking for new team members for Team Philosophe. The Tour de France is coming up in July. Are you interested?

Am I! said Farky. Do you think there's enough time for me to get up to speed?

Yes, if you start coming out with David and me every afternoon, said The VeloDrone.

Yippee! said Farky. The Tour de France! I'll get to meet Alberto Contador's dog!

I didn't know he had a dog, said Belle et Bonne.

Google it, said Farky. I'll bet you he's got a dog.

Belle googled Contador's dog.

Well, well! she said. He does have a dog. A Weimaraner called Tour.

I knew it, said Farky.

Why do you want to meet Contador's dog? asked Belle et Bonne. Are you a fan of Contador?

No, said Farky, but if I befriend his dog, I may learn something that will give our team the advantage.

Very good, said The VeloDrone. I see you are made of the right stuff, Farquhar MacTaggart. This is looking very promising for Team Philosophe.

Thought Provoking

That evening Farky bounced into the Velosophy office, where The VeloDrone and Belle et Bonne were working late.

Farky! cried Belle et Bonne. You're back! How did you like the Zoo?

A mixed bag, sniffed Farky. But overall I think it did me good. I now understand more about happiness as it relates to my own species.

Good, said The VeloDrone. Where's that article you promised?

Problem, said Farky. I can't write. Perhaps I could dictate it to one of you.

Of course you can Farky, said Belle et Bonne. Fire away.

Farky began:

There are two kinds of dog. One has never been inside a Zoo. The other has. I am of the latter kind. I was happy before I entered the Zoo. At the Zoo I was forced into bad behaviour. I stole a hat, and later, a pie. Outside the Zoo I met Horatio. He was named after someone in CSI. He is the wrong colour. He will never see the inside of a Zoo. He understood that I was better than him. He didn't know about the hat, or the pie.

Where is this going? asked The VeloDrone. And I hope you haven't forgotten the bicycle.

What bicycle? said Farky.

There has to be a bicycle in it, said Belle et Bonne. Had you forgotten?

No, no, said Farky. I haven't finished:

This made me wonder about the nature of dog happiness. I had not liked the Zoo. I would have preferred to have ridden a bicycle around the outer perimeter. I would have begun at the entrance, cycled through the Botanic Park following the zoo walls, crossed the Hackney Bridge and returned via the Linear Park river trail. From there I might have heard the gibbons calling. Finally I would have returned to the entrance past the speaking posts that beg for money. Of course I would have felt no obligation to give the Zoo any money. However, as I cannot ride a bicycle, none of this is ever likely to happen.

That's brilliant Farky, said Belle et Bonne. So thought-provoking!

Not bad at all, said the Velodrone.

Thanks, said Farquhar MacTaggart.

Sweezus and Farky

Just then Jesus popped his head around the door.

Hello everyone, said Jesus. Does anyone want to help me with an assignment?

What? A creative writing assignment? asked The VeloDrone. No thanks.

I'm really busy today, said Belle et Bonne.

Hello, I don't believe we've met, said Le Bon David.

It's Jesus, said Belle et Bonne. Jesus, meet Uncle David.

Hello, said Jesus. I've heard all about you.

And I've heard all about you, said Le Bon David. You're doing a creative writing course, and you're making a name for yourself on Twitter as Sweezus.

Jesus looked embarrassed.

No, no, said Le Bon David, don't be embarrassed. We all have to start somewhere.
What is your assignment, Sweezus?

I have to go to the Zoo, said Jesus, and write a story about the animals.

Woo hoo! said Farquhar, pricking up his ears. Animals! I'll go with you. I'll help you write your assignment. It'll be good practice for our collaboration.

Hum, said The VeloDrone. Our contributors don't usually need to practice.

Well, Sweezus does, said Farquhar. He is neither a philosopher, nor a writer.

Alright, said Sweezus. No need to rub it in. Coming Farky?

Yes! said Farky. Sweezus and Farky on assignment at the Zoo. See you later, everyone!

The Simplest Scenario

By taste, said Farquhar MacTaggart, chewing on a Meaty-Bite, I mean 'yum yum this tastes good', or 'yuk that tastes bad', or in the case of things which are rotten, 'yum yum, this tastes really amazing'.

I see, said Le Bon David. By taste, I mean the sorts of things one takes pleasure in for their own sake. Such as reading a wonderful and moving poem.

I am not averse to a good poem, said Farquhar, contemplatively. Farquhar! Farquhar! that's one of my favourites, and Here boy! Here boy! is another.

How do they go? asked Belle et Bonne.

That's them, there isn't any more, said Farquhar.

In what sense may they be considered poems? asked The VeloDrone, who had been listening with interest.

They rhyme, said Farquhar.

Poems should do more than that, observed Le Bon David. They ought to elicit some sort of emotional response.

They do, said Farquhar. When someone calls Farquhar! Farquhar! I leap and jump for joy, and then I run towards the person who recited the poem.

No you don't, said Belle et Bonne. I saw you that time on the beach. You ran away from your family.

I was only giving you the simplest scenario, said Farquhar.