So Often True

The next morning Belle et Bonne received an email.

Bugger! she said. It's from Gaius. He thinks he's promised us an article.

Crumbs! said Marie. I was hoping he'd forgotten.

At least Gustave and Violetta seem to have forgotten, said Belle et Bonne. One out of three isn't bad. I'll ask him to come in and discuss it, shall I?

Okay, said Marie.

.......

Later that afternoon Gaius entered the Velosophy office, to find Belle et Bonne, Marie and a plate of macarons.

Good afternoon young ladies, said Gaius. Better late than never.

Oh Gaius, said Belle et Bonne, that is so often true. Do sit down and have a macaron. Would you like a cup of tea?

Thank you, Belle et Bonne, said Gaius. I do hope my tardiness has not put your magazine to any inconvenience.

As a matter of fact it hasn't , said Marie. We have been extremely busy with our other contributors, one of whom is the famous French philosopher and novelist Albert Camus.

My goodness, said Gaius. Perhaps you do not need my humble contribution.

Oh no, said Belle et Bonne. We do. Have you any idea what the subject of your article is likely to be? I remember your last contribution was a mystery thriller.

I am flattered you remember, said Gaius.

Who could forget? said Marie. You tried to solve the mystery of two disappearing bicycles, and ended up at the local Korean church being mistaken for Jesus.

Just then Sweezus put his head around the door.

Tell me about it, said Sweezus. That happens to me all the time.

But you are Jesus, said Belle et Bonne. Silly boy.

That doesn't make it any less annoying, said Sweezus. Hey! Are those macarons? Awesome! Can I have one?

You may have as many as you like, Sweezie dear, said Belle et Bonne. And would you like a cup of tea?

No thanks, said Sweezus. Have you got a Diet Coke?

Here you are, said Marie, handing him a Diet Coke. Now let's get to work. I've just had a brilliant idea!

Stage 3: Olonne-sur-Mer to Redon

And so it was that Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious formed a team of seven riders, and participated in the Team Time Trials. The all-important fifth rider was:

Gaius! With a time of thirty minutes exactly.

How proud he was.

........

The following day, Sweezus and Violetta were riding together at the back of the main peloton, somewhere between Olonne-sur-Mer and Redon.

Violetta: Can I ask you a question?

Sweezus: What is it?

Violetta: Why did you stop on the Passage du Gois the other day and go for a swim? Was it a hare and tortoise thing?

Sweezus: Hare and tortoise! What d'you mean? Oh you mean, was I showing off?

Violetta: Yes, were you showing off?

Sweezus: No I was overwhelmed by a memory, and had to stop. Riding along the Passage du Gois reminded me of last Easter, and a cycling holiday with Marie and Belle et Bonne. I took too much chocolate along.

Violetta: Tell me about it!

Sweezus: Well, I thought they would eat some,, but they wouldn't. So I....

Violetta: I didn't mean tell me about it. I meant I know all too well about TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE.

Sweezus: Ah.

Violetta: You're sweet.

Sweezus: Can I ask you a question?

Violetta: Sure, fire away.

Sweezus: What's in your bag?

Violetta: Paints

Sweezus: Paints?

Violetta: Our secret weapon.

Sweezus: It's good to have a secret weapon. Our secret weapon is Farky.

Violetta: We're in the same team now. Tell me about Farky.

Sweezus was just about to, when he realised that others were listening.

Stage One - to Mont des Alouettes

With the Passage du Gois well behind them, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were in the middle of the main peloton, riding through the Vendee, on their way to Mont des Alouettes.

Any idea where Sweezus and Farky have got to? asked Le Bon David.

No, said The VeloDrone. But I hope they're somewhere in front.

Just then Farky came up behind them, resplendent in his Team Philosphe jersey and his customised panda racing hat.

Farky! said Le Bon David. How goes it? We thought you were up at the front.

Whoooo!! said Farky. No. This racing is hard. And Sweezus is way behind me.

Have a drink, said The VeloDrone, handing him an electrolytic sports drink.

Yuk, said Farky. Got any water?

No, said The VeloDrone. You'd better drink this. And what's wrong wih Sweezus?

He's missing the girls, said Farky.

The girls! said Le Bon David, shocked. There are lots of girls here.

He knows, said Farky. But he's missing Marie and Belle et Bonne. When we were riding along the Passage du Gois he got quite emotional, and wanted to stop for a bit. He sent them both a text and then decided to go for a dip. He's still in the water as far as I know.

Good heavens! said The VeloDrone. I hadn't anticipated this.

At that moment Albert Contador rode past, grinning widely.

How Nice Girls Win

The following afternoon, Sweezus popped his head around the door.

Hi! he said. Guess what! I got a B plus for my zoo assignment!

Well done , said Belle et Bonne.

I wouldn't have marked you that high, said Farky. And you know why.

Yeah, said Sweezus. I know. Lucky the markers aren't dogs. Hey, Belle, how did you and Marie like your presents?

They had a fight, said Farky.

What? said Sweezus.

No we didn't, said Belle et Bonne. It was just that one of the Panda hats needed a wash. It was encrusted with dog hairs and meat pie. We drew lots over it. Marie won.

So she got the clean one, said Sweezus.

No, she got the dirty one, said Belle et Bonne. I told you it wasn't a fight.

What nice girls you are, said Sweezus. Now, I suppose Farky and I'd better get on with our article for Velosophy.

Count me out, said Farky.

You said you'd help me, said Sweezus.

I can't now. I'm practising riding every afternoon with Le Bon David and The VeloDrone. I'm the new member of Team Philosophe.

Team Philosphe! said Sweezus. I always wanted to be a member of Team Philosophe.

You're not tricky enough, said Farky.

I could be, said Sweezus.

What does that mean? said Farky.

Wait and see, said Sweezus.

Provenance

I just need to go into the Zoo Shop, said Sweezus. I want to buy presents for Marie and Belle et Bonne.

Presents! said Farky. They won't want tacky Zoo Shop presents.

It'll show I was thinking of them, said Sweezus. Are you coming in?

No, said Farky. There might be questions about the provenance of my Panda hat. I'll wait outside.

Alright, said Sweezus, going into the shop.

The Zoo Shop wasn't like the Panda Shop. The Panda Shop sold only Panda products. The Zoo Shop sold all sorts of furry zoo animal toys (except for Pandas), books, jigsaw puzzles, pencils and spoons. Sweezus picked up a toy zebra. It didn't have any eyes. He didn't think Marie or Belle et Bonne would like that.

Eventually, he left without purchasing anything.

Go back to the Panda Shop, suggested Farky. Buy them a Wang Wang and a Funi.

What! said Sweezus, I can't give one of them a Wang Wang and the other a Funi !

Yes, you can said Farky. They won't fight over toys. They're grown up women.

I don't know, said Sweezus. Women are funny about things like that. Who would get the Wang Wang?

Well, said Farky, slowly, buy them two Funis.

That would be wrong, said Sweezus. Everyone knows Wang Wang and Funi are a pair.

Okay, buy two Wang Wangs and two Funis, and give them each a pair, said Farky.

I'm not made of money, said Sweezus sadly.

I know what you can give them! said Farky. And it will only cost you two dollars. I mean three dollars, he added quickly.

What? asked Sweezus.

Buy another Panda Hat, said Farky. They only cost two dollars. And I'll let you have mine for a dollar.

A dollar? said Sweezus. Done!

Farquar!

The cycling holiday was nearly at an end. Marie, Belle et Bonne and Jesus retraced their route along the coast road. It was such a beautiful afternoon that they decided to stop riding for a while and take a walk on the beach.

Marie and Belle et Bonne walked ahead, while Jesus lagged behind. He was trying to think of what to write. It was true that he had begun to keep a diary last Easter, but he hadn't kept it up. In fact he'd only written in it twice. He remembered writing something about hoping someone would not be eaten by a shark.

Who was it?, he wondered.

Suddenly he heard a woman's voice calling urgently.

Farquar! Farquar! Farky!

A large brown dog bounded past.

What! thought Jesus. Surely no one would call their dog Farquar!

As he continued walking, the sounds of children's voices reached his ears.

Far-kar! Far-kar! shouted the children.

Unbelievable, said Jesus to himself. As if it isn't bad enough to call your dog Farquar in any case, to call your dog Farquar when you have young children unable to pronounce his name except as Far-kar has to be the height of irresponsibility.

He sped up to tell Marie, and Belle et Bonne.

Can you believe that dog back there's called Farquar? he asked them.

Oh, what a lovely name, said Belle et Bonne.

Positive Thoughts

Jesus broke the silence first.

Well, everybody farts, he said.

That's not the point, said Marie. Why did Zola give that character your name?

He had long hair, said Belle et Bonne.

But what was the subtext? pursued Marie.

To show what sort of people the villagers were, said Belle et Bonne. Their sense of humour and their attitude towards religion. And also, perhaps, to bring some lightness and humour into a grim story of rape, murder, greed and extortion.

I always wanted to write a novel, said Jesus.

Why don't you? asked Marie.

No literary talent, said Jesus.

But you tweet beautifully, said Belle et Bonne. And I bet you keep a diary.

I do, said Jesus. I started one last Easter.

How about writing something for Velosophy, said Marie. Something philosophical.

I don't know, said Jesus. I don't really have anything philosophical to say.

Yes you do, said Belle et Bonne. You have Do Unto Others.

Oh that, said Jesus modestly. It's just simple game theory really.

It is, agreed Marie. And it doesn't always work. Anyway, think about it. You don't have to be wise. The only thing Uncle Vello and David insist on is that whatever you write, there has to be a bicycle in it.

Wow! said Jesus. I know as much about bicycles as the next man. I might just have a go. You know, I feel really positive now. You girls are a tonic. Let's stop and have a chocolate break.

I thought you'd eaten it all, said Belle et Bonne.

I bought some more, said Jesus.

The Shroud of Turin

Jesus woke up on Good Friday. Something was stuck to his face. He pulled it off. It was the sheet that he'd wrapped himself up in to try and keep warm during the night.

Ugh, he said, disentangling himself. It's covered in chocolate. He held it up for Marie and Belle et Bonne to see.

Belle et Bonne and Marie doubled up with laughter.

What's so funny, asked Jesus?

It looks like the shroud of Turin, said Marie. There's your face on the cloth, and two big brown handprints. That'll teach you to eat chocolate in bed.

Never mind that now, said Jesus. How am I going to get it off?

Wash it in the sea, said Belle et Bonne.

So they waited while Jesus went down to the sea and washed his sheet in the cold salty water.

Belle et Bonne looked at Marie.

Jesus! she said.

Mmm, said Marie. This isn't his day.

Jesus came back with his wet sheet dripping.

Now how am I going to get it dry? he asked grumpily.

I suppose you'll have to drape it over a bush and hope the sun comes out, said Marie.
What a way to spend the morning!

I'll just leave it here, said Jesus. I wouldn't want to hold everyone up. I'll pick it up on the way back.

So they headed off down the coast road, looking for somewhere to have breakfast.

As they rode three abreast, an interesting literary conversation developed.

Maundy Thursday

On the way home Jesus was filled with self doubt. What had Belle et Bonne meant by 'We fell about in admiration'? People usually fall about laughing. Could she have switched answers in mid-sentence to save his feelings?

You're too sensitive, he told himself. But tonight, be a little less out there.

That night the moon looked to him like a pale orange biscuit. He tweeted a careful description.

And then he thought, Yippee! tomorrow I'm going on holiday!

The next morning he turned up at Marie's and knocked at the door.

Hi, said Marie. Bright and early I see. Is that all your stuff?

Yep, said Jesus.

It doesn't look like much, said Marie. Did you bring something to sleep in?

Yep, said Jesus. Are you ready? Let's go.

Belle et Bonne appeared, wearing very short shorts.

Belle, said Marie. I hope you've packed a raincoat. And some leg warmers.

Don't worry. I have, said Belle et Bonne. So let's go!

They rode off together through the city and down to the coast, where they headed south. Clouds gathered and it began to drizzle slightly.

You might not see the moon tonight, said Marie.

I tweet clouds as well, said Jesus.

You have many talents, said Belle et Bonne.

I never know when you're pulling my leg, said Jesus.

That's funny, said Belle et Bonne. Neither do I.

Soon it felt like lunchtime.

Is it lunchtime? asked Belle et Bonne.

Yes, said Marie.

They stopped. Marie produced sandwiches, water and fruit. Jesus opened his backpack.

The two girls stared. It appeared to be full of chocolate. Blocks of chocolate, bars of chocolate, chocolate eggs, chocolate bunnies, chocolate bilbies, chocolate pandas, gold foil-wrapped chocolate fish.

And very little else.

Tweeting the Moon.

Well, said Belle et Bonne, I'm adopted, so that makes me doubly lucky. But anyway, you have a famous father too.

Not that famous, said Jesus.

Are you kidding? said Belle et Bonne.

Oh him, said Jesus. A misunderstanding after the event. I guess you could say I'm adopted too. So, what's Voltaire like as a dad?

He's great, said Belle et Bonne. A little difficult sometimes. You just have to humour him.

Mmm. Same, said Jesus.

Marie came in with the tea.

Would anyone like a hot cross bun? she asked.

Yes please, said Belle et Bonne.

No thanks, said Jesus.

Oh sorry, said Marie. I should have thought.

It's not that, said Jesus. It's because I hate peel.

Then you're in luck, said Marie. These ones are choc chip.

Yum, said Jesus.

They drank tea and munched choc chip easter buns in silence for a while.

Oh by the way, said Marie, I'm following you on Twitter.

Me too, said Belle et Bonne. We love your moon tweets. They're so... over the top.

Yeah, said Jesus. I really try to let my self go. Did you like last night's one? "Full frown-faced moon breaks free of tarry custard-rimmed cloud-flake only to be obscured again by dragon's claw".

We fell about in admiration, said Belle et Bonne.

Famous Father

The next morning, Marie's phone rang.

Hello it's me again, said Jesus.

Yes? said Marie.

Two things, said Jesus. One, will we be camping?

Yes, said Marie. If it's fine we'll be camping.

The only thing is, said Jesus, I've bought so much chocolate my backpack is full.

Well don't bring it all, said Marie. What's the other thing?

I'd really like to meet Belle et Bonne before we go. Can I come over?

Alright, said Marie. Come over.

Half an hour later Jesus knocked on the door. Belle et Bonne opened it.

Hello, said Jesus. Are you Belle et Bonne?

Yes, she replied. You must be Jesus. Nice to meet you. Come in. Marie's making a cup of tea.

Well this is nice, Said Jesus.

Yes it is nice, said Belle et Bonne.

Belle et Bonne, began Jesus, how did you get such an awesome name?

It's a nickname my papa gave me. It means beautiful and good.

I know that, said Jesus. I remember my schoolboy French. And you are very beautiful, so I imagine you are good.

Thank you. Papa thinks so, said Belle et Bonne.

Who is your papa? asked Jesus.

Don't you know? He's Voltaire the famous philosopher. He goes by the nickname of The VeloDrone, for the purposes of his cycling magazine.

Jesus was impressed.

Voltaire! he exclaimed. You're so lucky to have such a famous father!

Leave the Chocolate to Jesus

He has a Twitter account, said Marie, to Belle et Bonne. He tweets as Sweezus.

Let's have a look, said Belle et Bonne.

She searched for Sweezus on Twitter.

Here he is! Woah! All his tweets are about the MOON!

Let's see, said Marie, looking over Belle et Bonne's shoulder.

"A dented silver coracle moon rides the glistening spume of the maelstrom in the blackwater sky", they read.

Weird, said Belle et Bonne.

No, he's really nice, said Marie. You'll like him.

Just then her phone rang, It was Jesus again.

I was just thinking, said Jesus. What about food?

Don't worry about food, said Marie. Belle et Bonne and I will organise it.

Great, said Jesus. What will we be having?

Picnic food, said Marie. Sandwiches, fruit, water.

Chocolate? asked Jesus, hopefully.

If you like, said Marie. It's good energy food.

Tell you what, said Jesus. I'll bring the chocolate.

Don't bring too much, said Marie. And only dark chocolate. And make sure it's wrapped, we don't want it melting.

Sure, said Jesus, not really listening. Just leave it to me.

Following Jesus

Jesus was sad. His favourite character had been killed off in a blog that he followed.

Poor Frog, thought Jesus. What a way to go. Then he brightened. Soon it would be Easter. Not that he liked Easter. But this year he had plans.

He had recently joined a book club where he had met Marie. Marie was co-editor of a cycling magazine, and she had invited him to join her on an Easter cycling tour, with her friend Belle et Bonne. They were planning to set off on Thursday.

I'd better call her, thought Jesus. I need to know what to bring.

Hi Marie, he said, when she answered.

What's up? said Marie. Hey, are you okay? You sound a bit flat.

Yeah, I'm okay, said Jesus. Just peed off about Frog.

Me too, said Marie. He was the best one in it. I loved him when he stuck up for himself at the science event. I carry within me the seeds of my own propagation. Classic!

Yeah, classic, said Jesus. Anyway, what do I have to bring on Thursday?

Just your bike, said Marie. And your helmet, and a warm jacket in case it turns cold.

And my Blackberry, said Jesus. I'll be tweeting our trip.

Oh will you? said Belle et Bonne. So you have a Twitter account?

Yep! It's pretty new.

What are you called? asked Marie

Don't laugh, said Jesus.

I won't, said Marie.

Sweezus, said Jesus.

Cool, said Marie. You got that from Baby Pierre. What do you tweet about, mainly?

Follow me and you'll see, said Jesus.

Adolf

The philosophers are walking back to their hostel after seeing Adolf.

The VeloDrone: Well now, what did you think of that, girls? I trust you thought it was brilliant and thought-provoking and relevant?

Belle et Bonne: It was lovely, and sad.

The VeloDrone: Lovely and sad? How was it lovely and sad?

Belle et Bonne: He wanted to marry Eva.

Le Bon David: That was Hitler, you do know that don't you, my dear?

Belle et Bonne: I though he was Adolf.

Le Bon David: Belle et Bonne, either you are being deliberately obtuse, or you weren't listening to the other half of what he said.

Marie: She's right. Adolf was alright. But when the actor took off his wig and started being himself, I was totally shocked by some of his racist remarks. Those silly accents. Outrageous.

The VeloDrone: You girls are hopeless! That was HITLER! It was HITLER!

Marie: It was just an actor.

Le Bon David: But he was saying the things that Hitler said, about ridding the world of Jews and Gypsies, and doing it for the good of the German people.

Belle et Bonne ( giggling ): We're only pulling your legs, papa and Uncle David.

Marie: Yes. Of course we thought it was brilliant. What more is there to say? I wish everyone in the world could see it. Not that it would have an effect on SOME people.

Belle et Bonne: Like that awful man in the front row. The big man with the cap. He kept coughing and sneezing.

Le Bon David: Yes, he should have stayed at home. I hope we don't catch anything.

The VeloDrone: I agree, he should have been thrown out.

Marie: I felt like wringing his neck!

Older Persons

The VeloDrone went over to the bar to buy another round of drinks. When he returned, Marie and Belle et Bonne were standing up and Le Bon David was on the floor with his head under the settee.

The VeloDrone: What's happening? Why is David down there?

Marie: An old lady asked us to stand up so she could look for her purse. She thought she might have lost it down the back of the couch.

Belle et Bonne: It wasn't there.

The VeloDrone: So what's David up to?

Marie: He thought it might have fallen underneath.

Le Bon David ( emerging from under the settee ): No, nothing there.

The VeloDrone: That old lady has made a fool of you!

Le Bon David: What! A fool of me! How?

The VeloDrone: I heard her talking to her friend over at the bar. They were rolling a die. The first one to throw a six had to persuade a random gentleman to stick his bottom in the air.

Le Bon David: I say! How mean!

The VeloDrone: Yes, but at least it proves my point that older persons are not averse to abandoning themselves to the vagaries of fortune once in a while. You see, girls?

Belle et Bonne: Well, I'm stunned.

Marie: If you believe him.

Le Bon David: This is all too much. Time to go. Where's the toilet?

The VeloDrone: There's only one. And there's a queue.

Le Bon David: What a place! I'm not coming here again. Where's our next show and what is it?

Marie: It's Adolf, at the Royalty Theatre.

The Six Sided Man

The philosophers are having a drink in the Higher Ground bar after catching a late night performance of The Six Sided Man.

Le Bon David: Well, well, that was excellent. Thought provoking. What did you think, Vello?

The VeloDrone: Yes, very good. The actors were superb. Hee hee! Imagine basing all your decisions on the fall of the dice. Did you like it, my dears?

Belle et Bonne: The actors were too old and fat for my liking.

Marie: Hear hear! I would have liked to see them performing it thirty years ago.

Belle et Bonne: I agree. It's a young man's play. An older person wouldn't want to abandon his life to chance like that. Life's chancey enough when you're old, don't you think, Uncle David?

Le Bon David: Old? Hum, hum.

The VeloDrone: Old? You girls are being ridiculous. A mature person might very well think his life was dull and want to spice it up a bit by the throwing of a dice. Or die.

Marie: Or die?

The VeloDrone: One die.

Le Bon David: My prince will come!

Marie: Now who's being ridiculous? Anyway, I knew you two would like it.

Le Bon David: Because we're old and fat?

The VeloDrone: I'm not fat!

Belle et Bonne: Because you like everything. That's why we love you.

Le Bon David: Oh.

The VeloDrone: Well said, dear Belle et Bonne. Now would anyone like another drink?

The Twittering Machine

The philosophers are in Adelaide, for the Fringe. Marie and Belle et Bonne are waiting for The VeloDrone and Le Bon David at the backpacker hostel where the four of them are staying.

The VeloDrone and Le Bon David enter the common room.

The VeloDrone: Hello my dears! We've just seen a wonderful show. It had a bicycle in it!

Le Bon David: And it was free!

Marie: What was it called?

The VeloDrone: The Twittering Machine. A man sat on a bicycle, a bell rang, a birdcage came down over his head and he began tweeting like a bird.

Belle et Bonne: That sounds very silly.

Le Bon David: Oh, that was only the beginning. He got off the bicycle and set up an elaborate machine. Then he put his finger into a mousetrap.....

Marie: Why would anybody put their finger into a mousetrap?

The VeloDrone: In the interests of science, my dear. The snapping of the mousetrap set off a series of events involving a mechanical duck, a bow and arrow, a boxing glove, a basketball, a mop and other things too numerous to mention. The series of events ended with four eggs dropping simultaneously into four glasses of water.

Le Bon David: A brilliant demonstration!

Belle et Bonne: Of what? You two are easily pleased. But you did better than us. We went looking for the installation on level two, 50 Rundle Mall.

The VeloDrone: Isn't that Spotlight?

Marie: Yes, how do you know? Oh, is that where you two bought the material for your costumes?

Le Bon David: The ill-fated costumes.

The VeloDrone: Who knew it would rain in Adelaide on Fringe Opening night ? Anyway, how was your installation?

Belle et Bonne: Almost indistinguishable from the other bolts of cloth and dummies. Basically that was what it was.

Marie: Yes, disappointing.

The VeloDrone: Perhaps you have the wrong attitude my dears. You need to enter into the spirit of things, at the Fringe. Everything is fun, fun, fun. And now I think we should all put on our raincoats and go and visit the Garden of Unearthly Delights.

Nothing

Marie is back at the office, telling Belle et Bonne all about the Tour Down Under.

Belle et Bonne: Tell me everything, Marie. Did you meet anyone?

Marie: I met Angel. He was interesting.....at first. He was a Gymnosopher, and he didn't wear any clothes.

Belle et Bonne: Ooh! Was he attractive?

Marie: Yes he was. At first he was very austere, and didn't eat or drink or wear anything, and he answered deep philosophical questions wisely. I actually thought I was in love with him.

Belle et Bonne: What went wrong?

Marie: I realised he always gave the same answer. And he became more and more competitive, wanting to win King of the Mountain and all that whatnot.

Belle et Bonne: Boring! And how was papa?

Marie: Oh, he was his usual self........

The VeloDrone pokes his head around the door.

Belle et Bonne: Oh papa! we were just talking about you.

The VeloDrone: Head butting is NOT cheating, you know!

Marie: Uncle! I never mentioned it!

Belle et Bonne: Papa! were you cheating?

The VeloDrone: Everyone was.

Marie: No they weren't.

Belle et Bonne: Did your Angel do it?

Marie: Yes, both the Gymnosophers did it.

The VeloDrone: We were using our noggins.

Belle et Bonne: How embarrassing. Well I don't suppose you can ever go back to Adelaide again.

The VeloDrone: On the contrary, we are all going back next month for the Fringe!

Le Bon David pops his head round the door.

Belle et Bonne: Uncle David! We're all going to the Adelaide Fringe!

Le Bon David: I heard.

The VeloDrone: What else did you hear?

Le Bon David: Oh nothing, my friend. But...... nothing.

Goodbye to the Tour

The Tour Down Under is over for another year, and it's time for everyone to go home.

The VeloDrone: Well, Gym Ten and Angel, that was most enjoyable.

Gym Ten: I'm glad you think so.

Angel: I would have liked to have been King of the Mountain.

Gym Ten: I would have liked the ochre jersey.

The VeloDrone: You would have had it, but for the scruples of Marie.

Marie: Some things are more important than winning.

The VeloDrone: Of course, of course. Tell me again what they are?

Marie: I've just been chatting with the Premier Mike Rann, and the race organiser Mike Turtur. They're going to ask you to be next year's big drawcard. What do you think of that?

The VeloDrone: Me?

Marie: Yes, I told them who you were.

Angel: Why? Who is he?

Marie: He's The VeloDrone, also known as the great philosopher Voltaire. I thought you knew.

Gym Ten: No! We only knew him as The VeloDrone. Well, well! Pleased to meet you, Monsieur Voltaire.

The VeloDrone: Oh, no need to make a fuss.

Mike Rann and Mike Turtur stroll over and join the group.

Mike Rann: Hello Monsieur Voltaire, may I say what a pleasure......

The VeloDrone: Likewise. A pleasure. And what do you want?

Marie: Uncle!

Mike Rann: We want you to consider being our big drawcard for the Tour Down Under next year. As you know, Lance Armstrong won't be here......

Mike Turtur: Wait a minute. Weren't you the chap who was involved in the head butting incident? In fact weren't all of you in it?

The VeloDrone: What if we were?

Mike Turtur: Then we would have to decline your offer.

The VeloDrone: Ridiculous! We haven't applied. Marie! I wish you had not drawn attention to us.

Marie: Well, what about me? I was the one who put a stop to it all. I would make a good drawcard.

Mike Rann ( staring at Marie ): But.... you are a woman.

Mike Turtur ( staring also ): Yes you are.

Marie: Yes, I am.

Angel: Yes, she is.

Gym Ten: Some drawcard she would be.

The VeloDrone: Come, Marie. To our bikes!

They mount, and pedal away.

Stage Six: A Close Run Thing

It is the last day of the Tour Down Under, and the course is a street circuit in Adelaide. The VeloDrone and Gym Ten are putting everything into it. They are riding at the head of the peloton.

The VeloDrone: This is more like it. Are you ready for the breakaway?

Gym Ten: Yes. It's much better with a helmet.

The VeloDrone: I told you it would be. Okay, lets go!

*****

Meanwhile Marie and Angel are not too far behind. Angel has his eye on winning King of the Mountain, Adelaide's Montefiore Hill being rather small. Marie is encouraging him.

Marie: It's quite small.

Angel: Yes, but I have to do it twenty times.

Marie: So does everyone else.

Angel: You're a brick, Marie.

Marie: What did you call me?

Angel ( pulling away): Never mind!

*****

The VeloDrone and Gym Ten have not been in front for long when the rest of the peloton catches up. Mattie Gosse, Cameron Meyer and Angel are all jostling for position. Angel is level with Gym Ten. Some vigorous elbowing begins.

The VeloDrone: Ouch! Get away!

Gym Ten: Head butt him!

The VeloDrone: I'm trying!

Angel: Ouch! Head butting is illegal. I'm reporting you!

Marie ( who has made a great effort and caught up ): This is reprehensible! Stop it at once!

Gym Ten: No! We're not going to.

Marie: Oh, yes you are.

She sticks out her foot.

Her team mates all tumble off their bicycles clearing the way for Cameron Meyer, who goes on to win.

Well done him.