Stage 3: Olonne-sur-Mer to Redon

And so it was that Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious formed a team of seven riders, and participated in the Team Time Trials. The all-important fifth rider was:

Gaius! With a time of thirty minutes exactly.

How proud he was.

........

The following day, Sweezus and Violetta were riding together at the back of the main peloton, somewhere between Olonne-sur-Mer and Redon.

Violetta: Can I ask you a question?

Sweezus: What is it?

Violetta: Why did you stop on the Passage du Gois the other day and go for a swim? Was it a hare and tortoise thing?

Sweezus: Hare and tortoise! What d'you mean? Oh you mean, was I showing off?

Violetta: Yes, were you showing off?

Sweezus: No I was overwhelmed by a memory, and had to stop. Riding along the Passage du Gois reminded me of last Easter, and a cycling holiday with Marie and Belle et Bonne. I took too much chocolate along.

Violetta: Tell me about it!

Sweezus: Well, I thought they would eat some,, but they wouldn't. So I....

Violetta: I didn't mean tell me about it. I meant I know all too well about TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE.

Sweezus: Ah.

Violetta: You're sweet.

Sweezus: Can I ask you a question?

Violetta: Sure, fire away.

Sweezus: What's in your bag?

Violetta: Paints

Sweezus: Paints?

Violetta: Our secret weapon.

Sweezus: It's good to have a secret weapon. Our secret weapon is Farky.

Violetta: We're in the same team now. Tell me about Farky.

Sweezus was just about to, when he realised that others were listening.

Farquar!

The cycling holiday was nearly at an end. Marie, Belle et Bonne and Jesus retraced their route along the coast road. It was such a beautiful afternoon that they decided to stop riding for a while and take a walk on the beach.

Marie and Belle et Bonne walked ahead, while Jesus lagged behind. He was trying to think of what to write. It was true that he had begun to keep a diary last Easter, but he hadn't kept it up. In fact he'd only written in it twice. He remembered writing something about hoping someone would not be eaten by a shark.

Who was it?, he wondered.

Suddenly he heard a woman's voice calling urgently.

Farquar! Farquar! Farky!

A large brown dog bounded past.

What! thought Jesus. Surely no one would call their dog Farquar!

As he continued walking, the sounds of children's voices reached his ears.

Far-kar! Far-kar! shouted the children.

Unbelievable, said Jesus to himself. As if it isn't bad enough to call your dog Farquar in any case, to call your dog Farquar when you have young children unable to pronounce his name except as Far-kar has to be the height of irresponsibility.

He sped up to tell Marie, and Belle et Bonne.

Can you believe that dog back there's called Farquar? he asked them.

Oh, what a lovely name, said Belle et Bonne.

Positive Thoughts

Jesus broke the silence first.

Well, everybody farts, he said.

That's not the point, said Marie. Why did Zola give that character your name?

He had long hair, said Belle et Bonne.

But what was the subtext? pursued Marie.

To show what sort of people the villagers were, said Belle et Bonne. Their sense of humour and their attitude towards religion. And also, perhaps, to bring some lightness and humour into a grim story of rape, murder, greed and extortion.

I always wanted to write a novel, said Jesus.

Why don't you? asked Marie.

No literary talent, said Jesus.

But you tweet beautifully, said Belle et Bonne. And I bet you keep a diary.

I do, said Jesus. I started one last Easter.

How about writing something for Velosophy, said Marie. Something philosophical.

I don't know, said Jesus. I don't really have anything philosophical to say.

Yes you do, said Belle et Bonne. You have Do Unto Others.

Oh that, said Jesus modestly. It's just simple game theory really.

It is, agreed Marie. And it doesn't always work. Anyway, think about it. You don't have to be wise. The only thing Uncle Vello and David insist on is that whatever you write, there has to be a bicycle in it.

Wow! said Jesus. I know as much about bicycles as the next man. I might just have a go. You know, I feel really positive now. You girls are a tonic. Let's stop and have a chocolate break.

I thought you'd eaten it all, said Belle et Bonne.

I bought some more, said Jesus.

Following Jesus

Jesus was sad. His favourite character had been killed off in a blog that he followed.

Poor Frog, thought Jesus. What a way to go. Then he brightened. Soon it would be Easter. Not that he liked Easter. But this year he had plans.

He had recently joined a book club where he had met Marie. Marie was co-editor of a cycling magazine, and she had invited him to join her on an Easter cycling tour, with her friend Belle et Bonne. They were planning to set off on Thursday.

I'd better call her, thought Jesus. I need to know what to bring.

Hi Marie, he said, when she answered.

What's up? said Marie. Hey, are you okay? You sound a bit flat.

Yeah, I'm okay, said Jesus. Just peed off about Frog.

Me too, said Marie. He was the best one in it. I loved him when he stuck up for himself at the science event. I carry within me the seeds of my own propagation. Classic!

Yeah, classic, said Jesus. Anyway, what do I have to bring on Thursday?

Just your bike, said Marie. And your helmet, and a warm jacket in case it turns cold.

And my Blackberry, said Jesus. I'll be tweeting our trip.

Oh will you? said Belle et Bonne. So you have a Twitter account?

Yep! It's pretty new.

What are you called? asked Marie

Don't laugh, said Jesus.

I won't, said Marie.

Sweezus, said Jesus.

Cool, said Marie. You got that from Baby Pierre. What do you tweet about, mainly?

Follow me and you'll see, said Jesus.

Squelch!

Ageless looked.

The first thing he saw was Kobo.

How beautiful she is, he whispered. What a curvaceous hinge. What creamy....

Never mind her! hissed Baby Pierre. Look on the other side of the flowers. There's a new Frog!

Ageless stirred himself from his reverie, and extended his gaze. There was indeed a new Frog, slightly bigger than the old Frog, and younger.

What's going on? called Frog faintly, from below.

Nothing, answered Baby Pierre.

He turned to Ageless.

Should we tell him?

No we shouldn't, said Ageless. It would break his little red heart. I'll deal with it. Well, I'm off now. Bye bye, Baby Pierre dear boy, come and see me in the Library, any time, except Easter when the Library will be closed.

So you're not coming in? said Baby Pierre.

No, said Ageless. And don't tell Kobo I was here.

As if, said Baby Pierre. Well I'll be seeing you. First I'd better go down and see Frog.

No, I told you I'd deal with it, said Ageless, jumping off the window ledge and landing with an ominous squelch.

Did you hurt yourself, Ageless? cried Baby Pierre.

No, said Ageless, I had quite a soft landing. And Frog's little problem is solved.

Jesus' Diary - Part 1

I wonder if Jesus will pop round and see us this Easter? said Pliny the Elder. Do you remember how he came to dinner last year and multiplied the Brussels sprouts?

He didn't multiply them, Pliny, he divided them. But yes, of course I remember. He was very nice, and I remember you and he got on pretty well. I hope he does come round. I want to ask him if he's started keeping a diary.

Just then there was a knock at the front door.

Knock! Knock!

I opened it. There was Jesus, on a bicycle.

I was passing, he said, and thought I'd drop in.

Gosh! I said. I'm surprised to see you. Aren't you awfully busy at this time of year?

Au contraire! said Jesus. I always like to keep a low profile at Easter.

Come in, I said, but would you mind wheeling your bicycle round the side of the house to the back. We already have one bicycle in the dining room.

Certainly, said Jesus. ( Did I mention he was nice ? )