Positive Thoughts

Jesus broke the silence first.

Well, everybody farts, he said.

That's not the point, said Marie. Why did Zola give that character your name?

He had long hair, said Belle et Bonne.

But what was the subtext? pursued Marie.

To show what sort of people the villagers were, said Belle et Bonne. Their sense of humour and their attitude towards religion. And also, perhaps, to bring some lightness and humour into a grim story of rape, murder, greed and extortion.

I always wanted to write a novel, said Jesus.

Why don't you? asked Marie.

No literary talent, said Jesus.

But you tweet beautifully, said Belle et Bonne. And I bet you keep a diary.

I do, said Jesus. I started one last Easter.

How about writing something for Velosophy, said Marie. Something philosophical.

I don't know, said Jesus. I don't really have anything philosophical to say.

Yes you do, said Belle et Bonne. You have Do Unto Others.

Oh that, said Jesus modestly. It's just simple game theory really.

It is, agreed Marie. And it doesn't always work. Anyway, think about it. You don't have to be wise. The only thing Uncle Vello and David insist on is that whatever you write, there has to be a bicycle in it.

Wow! said Jesus. I know as much about bicycles as the next man. I might just have a go. You know, I feel really positive now. You girls are a tonic. Let's stop and have a chocolate break.

I thought you'd eaten it all, said Belle et Bonne.

I bought some more, said Jesus.

Creepy Way

How was it? asked the VeloDrone next morning. Did you enjoy the show?

Yes, strangely enough, said Le Bon David. I found myself laughing although I know very few Australians. In fact I learned several interesting facts about them. One being that they like to add an O to the shortened form of a name. You for instance would be nicknamed Vello, and I would be known as Davo.

The VeloDrone was entranced. Vello and Davo! I like it. And how is your review coming along, Davo?

Hmm, said Davo. Give us a mo.

A mo?

A moment, Vello, a moment.

Ten minutes elapsed, then Davo cleared his throat and read aloud:

The Beer Garden of The Electric Light Hotel is a fine setting for a show called "I've Been Watching You Australians - But Not in a Creepy Way." As a night breeze ruffled the leaves of a giant creeper behind the makeshift stage, an audience of Australians watched each other react as English comedian Mark Butler told them truths about themselves. But perhaps they did not realise what he was about. Perhaps it takes a Scottish philosopher to ferret out the underlying plan. For Mark Butler's plan was to end the evening by turning the audience into Creeps, and his master stroke was that none of them would realise what he had done. I do not intend to reveal how he accomplished this. Suffice to say it involved a video camera, a young woman who was not there and an audience poll to determine if they thought it was fair to expose her on Facebook.
Recommended. Three and a half stars.

He stopped. Vello looked solemn. So they voted to expose the young woman? he asked.

All but one, said Davo.

That was you, said Vello.

No, said Davo, shamefaced. It wasn't.