Goodbye Baby

Baby Pierre was sad the Tour de France was over. Not that he had been able to watch it. But he could hear the television from the next room.

What a shame Sweezus didn't win, he thought. Sweezus was my favourite rider.

The television was on the next night too. Baby Pierre was listening. The program was called QI. Stephen Fry was saying something about jellyfish. Baby Pierre's ears pricked up.

Why are my ears pricking up? said Baby Pierre. I don't have ears. But what is Stephen Fry saying?

Stephen Fry was saying that there was a jellyfish called The Immortal Jellyfish. He said it had the remarkable quality of becoming younger after it had reproduced.

Wow, said Baby Pierre. I wonder if Ageless Lobster knows about this?

He rolled to the middle of the window sill to say goodbye to Kobo.

Auntie Kobo, he said, I'm off on my travels again. This time I'm going on my own.

Why's that? asked Kobo.

Because Frog is dead, said Baby Piere sadly.

Frog, said Kobo, vaguely. Do you mean that tomato?

That tomato was my best friend Frog, said Baby Pierre. There will never be another like him.

How true, said Kobo. I hope you have a warm scarf.

I do, said Baby Pierre. Is that all you have to say?

Say hello to Ageless, said Kobo.

How did you know? asked Baby Pierre.

I listen to QI as well, said Kobo. Good bye, Baby Pierre.

Stage 17: Gap to Pinerolo

Today the Tour is riding through the Alps, and passing into Italy. Belle et Bonne and Marie have hired a motor bike and a movie camera and are following the riders on the road. The first rider they catch up with is Sweezus.

Marie: Hi Sweezus! Looking good! Are you feeling better today?

Sweezus: Whoah! What are you two doing here? You aren't allowed to ride beside the peloton!

Belle et Bonne: Too bad, because we are. Would you like a Power Bar, Sweezus dear?

Sweezus: Thanks Belle. And yes, I'm feeling a lot better today although I've still got the runs. It was bad luck about that Duck a la Limoux. But do you know what Gustave is saying?

Belle et Bonne: No. What is he saying?

Sweezus: He reckons Violetta is at the bottom of it. He thinks that she somehow poisoned the Duck in order to give him and Gaius the runs so that they would ride faster.

Marie: Oh that's hilarious! Why would she poison herself as well?

Sweezus: Gustave thinks she's capable of anything.

Belle et Bonne: Well, that lets us off the hook then. But we're sorry, Sweezie darling. And about letting everyone drink too much as well.

Sweezus: Don't worry, Farky and I didn't drink too much. Farky didn't drink anything but water. By the way, Farky's made friends with Alberto Contador's dog at last. Could be handy. Well, better get my skates on. Bye girls, and thanks for the Power Bar!

Sweezus put his head down and started pedalling. Belle et Bonne and Marie zoomed up the road and soon drew alongside The VeloDrone and Le Bon David, who were pedalling furiously uphill.

The VeloDrone: Marie! Belle et Bonne! What are you doing on that motor bike?

Marie: Filming you! Smile!

Le Bon David: You naughty girls. As if you haven't caused enough trouble already.

Belle et Bonne: It wasn't us, it was Violetta.

Le Bon David: What was? Has there been another graffiti incident?

The VeloDrone: Another! Has there been one?

Le Bon David: I thought someone sploshed a blob of paint on the Virgin's nose back at Lourdes?

Belle et Bonne: That was just a rumour. Hey guess what we just heard? Farky has made friends with Alberto Contador's dog!

The VeloDrone: Brilliant! At last! We'll get some inside information on his race plan. Now girls, make yourselves useful!

Marie: How?

The VeloDrone: Give us a tow up this hill.

Belle et Bonne: Papa!

Stage 4: Lorient to Mur-de-Bretagne

Rumour was rife amongst the riders, after Sweezus and Violetta had been overheard yesterday. Everyone was speculating about the secret weapons, including the commentary team.

Phil Liggett: Well Paul, I suppose you've heard about the secret weapons?

Paul Sherwen: I have indeed Phil. I bet Contador is shaking in his shoes, and Cadel Evans too, after his win today.

Phil Liggett: I think we can discount the paints as a secret weapon. Any team that uses paints will be sure to be disqualified. It's Farky who'll be the one to watch.

Paul Sherwen: He certainly will. And what a colourful character he is. The only dog ever to have ridden in the Tour de France. The puzzling thing is, he doesn't ride particularly fast.

Phil Liggett: That's true. It does make you wonder.

........

Meanwhile, somewhere between Lorient and Mur-de-Bretagne, The VeloDrone is ticking off Sweezus.

The VeloDrone: I mean, what's the point of a secret weapon, if you're going to blab to everyone about it?

Sweezus: Sorry, I didn't think anyone was listening.

The VeloDrone: You didn't eh? Then why were you talking?

Sweezus: I was talking to Violetta.

The VeloDrone: Hmm. Well there's no reason to tell her all our secrets.

Sweezus: I know. It sucks. Now everyone's watching Farky's every move. How's he going to get friendly with Contador's dog without people suspecting his motives?

The VeloDrone: Don't ask me. But it may not be Contador's dog that he needs to get friendly with anyway. Cadel Evans is looking pretty strong today.

Sweezus: Does Cadel have a dog?

The VeloDrone: I should say so! Haven't you heard of the famous Molly?

Only in Spain

You don't know who Lance Armstrong is? said Gustave, astonished.

Of course I do, replied Violetta. I merely meant to indicate that he is of no importance now. Our main rival in the Tour de France will be Alberto Contador.

True, said Gustave. I hear he is a little worried about the competition.

He should be, said Violetta. Not only because we are in it, but I believe that Team Philosophe is very strong this year.

I've heard the same, said Gaius. Very strong. They have a wonder dog, and a dark horse called Sweezus.

A dog and a horse! said Violetta. Bizarre!

He's not actually a horse, said Gaius.

........

Alberto Contador WAS worried by this year's competition. He had heard some alarming things about Team Philosophe. He mentioned his fears to his manager.

Alberto Contador: What is this I'm hearing about Team Philosophe? They are having a dog as a rider. Surely that is not allowed!

His Manager: Normally no. But they have produced a special permit signed by Nicolas Sarcozy. These French they stick together.

Alberto Contador: Madre de dios! And what if I was to wish to join my own personal dog to my team Saxobank Sungard? I think this would not be allowed, no way!

His Manager: It is not the dog you have to fear so much as this Sweezus.

Alberto Contador: Who is he this Sweezus?

His Manager: I hesitate to tell you.

Alberto Contador: Tell me nevertheless.

His Manager: His real name is Jesus. Sweezus is his Twitter name.

Alberto Contador: So what? Many men are called Jesus.

His Manager: Only in Spain, Alberto. Only in Spain.

The Devout Calvinist

Excuse me Mrs Hume, said Farky. Did you just say What is this dog?

Oh Good Heavens! said Mrs Hume. He talks!

Indeed I do, said Farky. I am Farquhar MacTaggart, named for the Earl of Ross.

Not a real dog then, said Mrs Hume, losing interest. And who is this?

This is Sweezus, mother, said Le Bon David.

Sweezus, this is my mother, Mrs Katherine Hume, formerly of Ninewells in Berwickshire.

Good evening, Mrs Hume, said Sweezus politely.

What kind of a name is SWEEZUS? demanded Mrs Hume.

It's my Twitter name, said Sweezus. My real name is Jesus.

Yes, mother, said Le Bon David. I'm sorry, I should have introduced him properly. This young man is Jesus.

Jesus! cried Mrs Hume. I am a devout Calvinist, and I can assure you that this young man is not Jesus.

Mother! said Le Bon David, embarrassed.

Doesn't matter, said Sweezus. I prefer Sweezus.

And that's a silly name, said Mrs Hume.

Now now, said the VeloDrone. Welcome home, Mrs Hume. I believe we're all going to the Brighton Fish Cafe to get fish and chips. Let us start moving. May I carry your bag? And how was your trip?

Very nice, said Mrs Hume. I stayed with my daughter. We hired a cabin by a lake. It was a lovely cabin but there was nowhere to hang up our clothes.

Tut tut, said The VeloDrone, ushering Mrs Hume towards the Kia Rio.

O Lord, said Mrs Hume, when she saw the car. David! How are we all going to fit in that?

There's a lot more room in it than you think, mother, said Le Bon David. It's a bit like a Tardis.

I hope so, said Mrs Hume.

Fish and Chips

He knew where the others would go to practice. Old Mount Barker Road. Sweezus pedalled off in that direction.

Soon he came to a wide bend at the base of the climb. Farky, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were standing at the side of the road, deep in discussion. Sweezus stopped before they saw him and hid behind a tree to listen in.

Fish and chips, said Le Bon David. That's what we'll be having.

Good, said The VeloDrone. I like fish and chips.

Me too, said Farky.

Then you must come too, said Le Bon David.

Sweezus was intrigued. He was also a little annoyed. He had hoped to hear that Farky had been dropped from the team, due to his inability to ride a bike. But obviously Farky had already made it up to here.

Sweezus decide to go ahead with Plan Two. He wheeled his bike back a suitable distance, mounted it and started up the hill, riding past Team Philosophe at top speed.

Woohoo! said The VeloDrone. That's that young Sweezus fellow. Look at him go! Hey there! Sweezus! Stop a minute!

Sweezus stopped, and turned back.

Oh it's you, he said. What are you doing out here?

As if you didn't know, said Farky.

We're training for the Tour de France, said Le Bon David. Want to join our team? We call ourselves Team Philosophe.

Oh wow! said Sweezus. This is an honour! Thanks guys. Yes I will!

It's not that much of an honour, said The VeloDrone. But welcome on board. Right chaps, up the hill and down, and then it's fish and chips!

How Nice Girls Win

The following afternoon, Sweezus popped his head around the door.

Hi! he said. Guess what! I got a B plus for my zoo assignment!

Well done , said Belle et Bonne.

I wouldn't have marked you that high, said Farky. And you know why.

Yeah, said Sweezus. I know. Lucky the markers aren't dogs. Hey, Belle, how did you and Marie like your presents?

They had a fight, said Farky.

What? said Sweezus.

No we didn't, said Belle et Bonne. It was just that one of the Panda hats needed a wash. It was encrusted with dog hairs and meat pie. We drew lots over it. Marie won.

So she got the clean one, said Sweezus.

No, she got the dirty one, said Belle et Bonne. I told you it wasn't a fight.

What nice girls you are, said Sweezus. Now, I suppose Farky and I'd better get on with our article for Velosophy.

Count me out, said Farky.

You said you'd help me, said Sweezus.

I can't now. I'm practising riding every afternoon with Le Bon David and The VeloDrone. I'm the new member of Team Philosophe.

Team Philosphe! said Sweezus. I always wanted to be a member of Team Philosophe.

You're not tricky enough, said Farky.

I could be, said Sweezus.

What does that mean? said Farky.

Wait and see, said Sweezus.

The Moral Dilemma

Sweezus went back to the Panda Shop.

Can I have a Panda Hat? he asked the woman at the counter.

Certainly, she replied. They haven't been selling very fast, she added. You can have this one for a dollar.

Thanks! said Sweezus, getting out his money.

On the way back to the Zoo entrance he began to wonder about the Panda Hat deal with Farky. Farky had stolen the hat. Now Farky wanted a dollar for it. But Sweezus had just paid a dollar for a Panda Hat in a perfectly legitimate transaction. He would have to speak to Farky.

Farky was waiting near the entrance.

Did you get one? he asked.

Yes, said Sweezus. I got it for half price. Now I have a moral dilemma.

What is it? asked Farky.

I promised to buy your Panda Hat for a dollar, said Sweezus. But you stole your Panda Hat. Why should I pay you a dollar for a stolen Panda Hat, when I can buy a Panda Hat for a dollar from the Panda Shop?

It was a moral dilemma before you were offered the discount, said Farky. Why didn't you think of it before? If it helps, I would claim that as a dog I can't be charged with stealing. I am currently attached to you. Therefore you are responsible for me and for the theft of the Panda Hat.

So I don't owe you a dollar then, said Sweezus.

Alright, no you don't, said Farky. Can we go now?

I owe someone a dollar, said Sweezus, looking worried.

Put it in the donation box, said Farky.

Farky, said Sweezus. I love you.

He dropped a dollar into the donation box.

Water Works

It was nearly time to go home. Sweezus and Farky decided to make their way back to the entrance via the sea lion exhibit.

There were two sea lions, one sunning on the rocks and the other swimming in relentless circles at one end of the pool.

Why is it only using one half the pool? wondered Sweezus.

Why don't you invent a reason? replied Farky, squinting at the low afternoon sun.

No, said Sweezus. You wouldn't be impressed.

No I wouldn't, said Farky. Do you think it looks happy?

I'd have to see its face, said Sweezus.

They followed the zoo trail until they came to the orang-utan enclosure.

They joined some people at the viewing window overlooking the vast enclosure with its tall trees and giant rope trapeze.

There's one! shouted Farky. Look! She's coming over here!

The ginger-haired orang-utan made her way slowly and carefully towards the wooden platform directly in front of the viewing window. She hoisted herself up, sat with her bottom over the edge, and peed, for a very long time.

Hey! cried Farky. She's peeing!

Awesome! said Sweezus.

She'll be doing it deliberately, to show us what she thinks, said a woman to her friend.

Sweezus looked at Farky.

See? he said. It's not just me that does it.

Farky pulled his Panda hat down to cover his face.

What are you laughing at? asked Sweezus.

What you just said, spluttered Farky.

But Sweezus didn't get it.

Horrible Circumstances

Sweezus had obtained a map of the Zoo from the ticket office.

Where would you like to go next? he asked Farky.

Farky looked at the map.

The Old Elephant House! he said.

They followed a path beside a stone wall until they came to the Elephant House. Sweezus stayed outside to read the interpretive signs. Farky went straight in.

Aarrggh! he cried, running straight out again.

Calm down, said Sweezus. What happened? Did you see an elephant?

No, said Farky, I saw a SKELETON!

Of an elephant? asked Sweezus, interestedly.

No, of a GIANT MONKEY! squawked Farky. Don't go in! It's horrible!

Sweezus went in.

After a while he came out.

Well? said Farky.

It's nothing to be scared of, said Sweezus. It's the skeleton of George the orang utan. I've just been reading all about him. He was a favourite at the Zoo from 1950 until 1976.

Then what? asked Farky.

Then he died, said Sweezus.

So they skinned him and put him on display? said Farky. That's no way to treat a favourite!

Actually, they sent him to the university, said Sweezus. For research purposes.

That's even worse! groaned Farky. So how did he end up back here?

After twenty years the university returned him, said Sweezus. I suppose by then they'd upgraded to a virtual computer-generated dead orang utan. That must have left the Zoo in a quandary. They already had a nice bronze statue of George, near his old cage. Now what should they do with the superfluous real George?

Display him in the Old Elephant House to show us animals how wicked people are! said Farky. And what happened to the old elephants, I'd like to know?

No, you wouldn't, said Sweezus.