No One Wants Bread

It wasn't long before they were all back in the Kia Rio, heading for Mrs Hume's apartment with an enormous serve of fish and chips wrapped up in white paper.

Ouch it's hot! said Farky, who had offered to hold the fish and chips on his lap. Only, as he soon discovered, he did not have a lap.

Ouch ! Ouch! he cried.

Give it to me, said The VeloDrone. I don't know why you wanted to hold it in the first place.

So I could smell it! whined Farky pathetically.

We can all smell it, wherever it is, said Mrs Hume. This is a very small car.

Soon they were inside Mrs Hume's apartment, with the lights and the heater on, and the table set with four plates for the fish and chips.

Where's my plate? asked Farky.

On the floor in the kitchen, said Mrs Hume.

Mother, said Le Bon David. I must insist that you treat Farky as one of us. He is a member of Team Philosophe.

Alright, David, said his mother. But I must say it is against all reason.

Farky sat up to the table and began to wolf down his fish and chips. Sweezus did the same. Le Bon David and the VeloDrone waited for Mrs Hume to begin eating.

Why have I got so many chips? asked Mrs Hume. Has someone put some of theirs on my plate when I wasn't looking?

No mother, said Le Bon David. Why would anyone do that?

Would anyone like any bread? continued Mrs Hume, spearing a chip with her fork.

No! said Team Philosophe.

For a time, a chomping silence reigned.

The Fish and Chip Shop at Last

Speaking of the Tardis, said Mrs Hume, squeezing into the passenger seat of the Kia Rio next to Le Bon David, did anyone see Doctor Who last week?

I did, said Sweezus, who was sitting in the back, squashed between Farky and The Velodrone.

Was it good? asked Mrs Hume. I missed it because my daughter and I went out to dinner and afterwards we went on to a birthday party at the Bowling Club.

Did you mother? said Le Bon David. The Bowling Club? Was it nice?

It was lovely, said Mrs Hume. It was all done up. All the young people were dancing. Do you enjoy dancing? she asked Sweezus.

No, said Sweezus, but I like watching Doctor Who.

Do you really? said Mrs Hume. What a coincidence. Now David, do you know the way to the Fish and Chip Shop?

Of course I do, mother, said David. Straight on until Brighton, then turn right and head towards the sea.

Good directions, sniggered Farky.

Ha ha! laughed The VeloDrone. We'll all end up in the sea!

Shut up, said Le Bon David. I need to concentrate on my driving. I'm not used to it.

Still riding your bicycle I suppose, said his mother. Have you done any proper philosophy lately David? He used to be such a brilliant philosopher, she added, turning round and glaring at The VeloDrone. Until he got mixed up with your magazine. David, I wish you would get rid of your bicycle and buy a car. Your sister has a big one.

Yes mother, said Le Bon David. I know.

A bit too big, added his mother. I could hardly climb up into it.

At last they pulled up at the Brighton Fish and Chip Cafe. It was night time and the stars were out. They piled out of the Kia Rio and stood for a moment looking at the gleaming black sea heaving and rolling under the Brighton Jetty. Then they went into the shop.

The Devout Calvinist

Excuse me Mrs Hume, said Farky. Did you just say What is this dog?

Oh Good Heavens! said Mrs Hume. He talks!

Indeed I do, said Farky. I am Farquhar MacTaggart, named for the Earl of Ross.

Not a real dog then, said Mrs Hume, losing interest. And who is this?

This is Sweezus, mother, said Le Bon David.

Sweezus, this is my mother, Mrs Katherine Hume, formerly of Ninewells in Berwickshire.

Good evening, Mrs Hume, said Sweezus politely.

What kind of a name is SWEEZUS? demanded Mrs Hume.

It's my Twitter name, said Sweezus. My real name is Jesus.

Yes, mother, said Le Bon David. I'm sorry, I should have introduced him properly. This young man is Jesus.

Jesus! cried Mrs Hume. I am a devout Calvinist, and I can assure you that this young man is not Jesus.

Mother! said Le Bon David, embarrassed.

Doesn't matter, said Sweezus. I prefer Sweezus.

And that's a silly name, said Mrs Hume.

Now now, said the VeloDrone. Welcome home, Mrs Hume. I believe we're all going to the Brighton Fish Cafe to get fish and chips. Let us start moving. May I carry your bag? And how was your trip?

Very nice, said Mrs Hume. I stayed with my daughter. We hired a cabin by a lake. It was a lovely cabin but there was nowhere to hang up our clothes.

Tut tut, said The VeloDrone, ushering Mrs Hume towards the Kia Rio.

O Lord, said Mrs Hume, when she saw the car. David! How are we all going to fit in that?

There's a lot more room in it than you think, mother, said Le Bon David. It's a bit like a Tardis.

I hope so, said Mrs Hume.

A Slight Delay

Fish and chips! shouted Farky, when they finally reached the bottom of the hill. And don't we deserve it!

Yes, well actually, said Le Bon David, there's just something we have to do first.

What's that? asked The VeloDrone.

We must go to the airport and pick up Mother, said Le Bon David. I promised I'd meet her when she flew in from the Gold Coast.

What! On our bicycles? What about her luggage? asked The VeloDrone.

Don't worry, I've hired a car, said Le Bon David.

They cycled to the car hire office and picked up Le Bon David's car. It was a white Kia Rio.

Bit small, muttered Sweezus. How are we all going to fit in?

Easily, said Le Bon David. Leave your bikes over there and pile in.

Why does she have to arrive at tea time? When are we going to eat? grumbled Farky, whose stomach was growling.

Soon, said Le Bon David, as he stepped on the gas.

They got to the airport in good time. Le Bon David's mother was just walking up the ramp into 'arrivals'.

Hello Mother! said Le Bon David. How was your holiday?

Never mind that, said his mother. Who are these PEOPLE!!? And what is this DOG!!?