The Devout Calvinist

Excuse me Mrs Hume, said Farky. Did you just say What is this dog?

Oh Good Heavens! said Mrs Hume. He talks!

Indeed I do, said Farky. I am Farquhar MacTaggart, named for the Earl of Ross.

Not a real dog then, said Mrs Hume, losing interest. And who is this?

This is Sweezus, mother, said Le Bon David.

Sweezus, this is my mother, Mrs Katherine Hume, formerly of Ninewells in Berwickshire.

Good evening, Mrs Hume, said Sweezus politely.

What kind of a name is SWEEZUS? demanded Mrs Hume.

It's my Twitter name, said Sweezus. My real name is Jesus.

Yes, mother, said Le Bon David. I'm sorry, I should have introduced him properly. This young man is Jesus.

Jesus! cried Mrs Hume. I am a devout Calvinist, and I can assure you that this young man is not Jesus.

Mother! said Le Bon David, embarrassed.

Doesn't matter, said Sweezus. I prefer Sweezus.

And that's a silly name, said Mrs Hume.

Now now, said the VeloDrone. Welcome home, Mrs Hume. I believe we're all going to the Brighton Fish Cafe to get fish and chips. Let us start moving. May I carry your bag? And how was your trip?

Very nice, said Mrs Hume. I stayed with my daughter. We hired a cabin by a lake. It was a lovely cabin but there was nowhere to hang up our clothes.

Tut tut, said The VeloDrone, ushering Mrs Hume towards the Kia Rio.

O Lord, said Mrs Hume, when she saw the car. David! How are we all going to fit in that?

There's a lot more room in it than you think, mother, said Le Bon David. It's a bit like a Tardis.

I hope so, said Mrs Hume.