The Secret of Immortality

The jetty lights had come on. Gaius and Baby Pierre sat companionably on the jetty fishing. Gaius had retrieved his bucket by pulling on the rope. It was the same bucket Lavender had seen the night before. But now it was empty.

The sea looks very black, said Baby Pierre.

It does at night, said Gaius. But there's a lot going on down there.

Do you think there are any Immortal Jellyfish swimming around? asked Baby Pierre.

No, said Gaius. And anyway, what do you expect to learn from them?

The secret of immortality, said Baby Pierre. What do you think?

Let me tell you something, said Gaius. The Immortal Jellyfish grows to maturity, reproduces, then reverts to a polyp. At what point in that cycle would you expect them to pass on their wisdom?

I never thought about that, said Baby Pierre. I suppose when they turn into a polyp they forget everything and have to start all over again.

That's exactly what I think, said Gaius. They will be just as stupid as other creatures. Possibly more so.

That's disappointing, said Baby Pierre. So my quest is for nothing.

Not for nothing, said Gaius. Tell me, what have you learned?

I've learned that Ageless is unreliable, and that Lavender is even more unreliable, said Baby Pierre gloomily.

But what is the positive side of that knowledge? asked Gaius.

Baby Pierre wondered what Gaius was getting at.

Just then, he heard the voice he least wanted to hear.

I know! said Lavender. Hello, you two, I'm back!

Lavender Stuffs Up

Ageless and the Jellyfish Oracle continued to talk about Sand. Lavender became impatient.

Come on Baby Pierre, she said. I know where there's a better Oracle than this old Jellyfish one.

She dragged Baby Pierre back to the rock of the Seagull Oracle, opposite number 291.

Baby Pierre said nothing, but he was secretly impressed by the Seagull Oracle's address. Number 291, that was Ageless's age, as of this morning. It might be an omen.

Seagull Oracle, said Lavender, me and Baby Pierre want to know something.

Whaaaat? croaked the Seagull Oracle.

We're looking for the Immortal Jellyfish, said Lavender. Where is it?

Waaark! said the Seagull Oracle. Ask Gaius. He's a fisherman. He was on the jetty last night. He knows all about jellyfish.

No, he doesn't, said Lavender. He sent me to you.

Did you look in his bucket? said the Seagull Oracle?

No, said Lavender. Something yucky was inside that bucket.

There you are then, said the Seagull Oracle.

I knew someone called Gaius, said Baby Pierre. He rode in the Tour de France.

You don't say? said the Seagull Oracle. I wonder if it was him?

What kind of oracle are you if you don't know? said Lavender.

Oracles answer questions, said the Seagull Oracle. They don't know anything.

He rode for Team Bumptious, said Baby Pierre. He ate mints. He thought he'd get disqualified for cheating, but he didn't. His team didn't win.

That sounds like Gaius, said the Seagull Oracle.

Oh splittereens! said Lavender. Get back to the subject why don't you!

Baby Pierre and the Seagull Oracle stared.

What's up Lavender?, said Baby Pierre. And what do you mean, 'splittereens'?

It's what statues say when they're broken, said Lavender.

A Bad Night for Fishing

Lavender had been walking for ages when she came at last to Henley Square. It was late and all the restaurants were closed. There was a faint light coming from the jetty. She walked towards the light.

The light was from a fisherman's torch. Lavender could see a plastic bucket glowing in the torchlight, and she could see things moving in the bucket.

Hello, said Lavender to the fisherman. Have you....?

Caught anything? said the fisherman. No I havent. It's a bad night for fishing.

I wasn't going to ask you that, said Lavender. I was going to ask you if you'd seen any jellyfish in the water tonight. I'm looking for an Immortal Jellyfish in particular.

By Jingo! said the fisherman. You're an interesting specimen! Let me look at you.

Arrgggh! You creepy old man! cried Lavender, turning to run.

No wait, said the fisherman. I meant you are an interesting example of an impression in stone of a fossilised auger or screwpile shell and a member of the Turritellidae family. Stay here and chat with me a while.

Lavender was disarmed. She sat down beside the knowledgeable fisherman.

What is your interest in the Immortal Jellyfish? asked the fisherman.

I want to find it first, before Baby Pierre and Ageless find it, said Lavender.

I suppose that's as good a reason as any, said the fisherman. Why do they want to find it?

Baby Pierre wants to find it because he thought Ageless would like it, and Ageless wants to find it because Baby Pierre asked him to come on a quest. It's my quest too.

This Ageless, said the fisherman, is he a fossil, or a stone?

No silly, he's a lobster, said Lavender. A member of the Seafood family. He's ageless but he's not immortal. That's why Baby Pierre wants him to find it.

Does he want to be immortal? asked the fisherman. Some people think that drinking a concoction of immortal jellyfish will make them immortal, but that shows a distinct lack of scientfic logic.

Oh no, he doesn't want to DRINK it! said Lavender, shocked. He wants to meet it, that's all.

Very commendable, said the fisherman. Well, I can't help you, but I know who can.

Ooh! Who? said Lavender, excited.

Go back to the Esplanade. There's a veritable Parthenon of Sea Oracles there amongst the rocks. Oracular Seagulls, Crabs, Cuttlefish, Pelicans, you name it. Somewhere opposite house number, ummm, 291 I think, you'll find the Oracular Jellyfish. He'll know something.

Did you say 291? asked Lavender. Now I know I'm on the right track. That's Ageless's age, in the morning. Thanks fisherman.

Call me Gaius, said the fisherman, softly.

But Lavender wasn't listening. She was off.

Late Night Philosophical Bus Stop Conversations

Rabbie and Lavender were waiting for a bus to take them to Henley. It was late at night so they had been waiting for a long time.

Can I ask ye somethin' lassie? asked Rabbie. Why d'ye want to go to Henley?

I'm looking for the Mortal Jellyfish, said Lavender. Or the Immortal Jellyfish, I can never remember which.

'Tis my guess ye're lookin' for the Immortal Jellyfish, said Rabbie. Nobody wud want to waste their time on the other sort. I've been both Mortal and Immortal, so I should know.

Have you? said Lavender, impressed. That means you died.

Aye, indeed it does, said Rabbie. At the tender age of 37, I died after a tooth extraction, in 1796.

Cool, said Lavender. So how did you get to be immortal?

I'm a bard, said Rabbie. Ma poems made me immortal.

Oh, said Lavender, losing interest.

I wudna be surprised to find that ye're immortal too, said Rabbie. Ye bein' a kind of a fossilly wee shelly thing.

That's not me, said Lavender stiffly.

What's you then? said Rabbie.

The space where the shelly thing used to be, said Lavender.

A pretty idea, said Rabbie. I like ye better for it.

A thought struck Lavender.

I wonder what's in the space where you used to be? she said.

Why nothin' ye daft wee lassie, said Rabbie. I'm right here. I guarantee it.

No, said Lavender, there'll be something there. And not just your boots. I guarantee it.

D'ye have the second sight now? said Rabbie.

I'm an auger, said Lavender.

Where's this devil of a bus then? said Rabbie Burns, shifting on his stumps.

Sand and Yam Biscuits

So, said Lavender. When are we going to start looking for the Mortal Jellyfish?

It's the Immortal Jellyfish, said Baby Pierre. IM-mortal. That means it doesn't die. If it was a Mortal Jellyfish it would be just like all the other jellyfish.

Alright, the Immortal Jellyfish, said Lavender. Same difference. When?

Tomorrow morning, said Ageless. We'll go to Henley. Tonight we're going back to the library. We can stay there overnight. There are some things I want to take with me and ....

You talk like an old person, said Lavender. How old are you?

Two hundred and ninety, said Ageless. It's my birthday tomorrow.

Lavender looked at Baby Pierre, who looked shocked.

We're older than you then, said Baby Pierre. How come you seem older?

Because I'm more dangerous, said Ageless.

Yes, you are dangerous, said Baby Pierre, thinking of Frog.

Let's go, said Ageless. Soon the library will close.

They hurried back to North Terrace. Lavender couldn't help thinking about what Ageless had said. She wanted to be dangerous too. But she couldn't think of anything dangerous to do.

They were soon in the reading room at the library. Ageless shuffled around gathering books and tins of biscuits, and then discarding them only to pick them up again.

Which book? he muttered. Which tin?

Baby Pierre grew impatient.

Take the book about Sand, he said, and the tin of Yam bicuits.

Alright, said Ageless. Sorted. Now let's get some sleep.

Baby Pierre wasn't used to sleeping, but he decided to give it a try.

Now Lavender, said Ageless, you can sleep....hey! where's she gone?

But it seemed that Lavender had vanished.

Turritopsis Nutricula

What's an auger? asked Lavender. Does it mean I can tell the future?

No, said Ageless. That's an augury. Auger means a tool for boring holes.

Boring holes! said Lavender, offended.

Of course, said Ageless, no one could bore a hole with you.

Are you saying I'm not pointy enough? asked Lavender.

You're pointy enough, said Ageless. But there's something crucial missing.

You wouldn't say that if I was a BOY, said Lavender.

Lavender, said Baby Pierre. It's not a gender issue. You just don't have any ..... substance, that's all.

Lavender began to sulk.

Now then, said Ageless, to what do I owe this honour?

Have you ever heard of the Immortal Jellyfish? asked Baby Pierre.

I have, said Ageless. I was watching QI the other night. I do like that Stephen Fry.

Yes, but the Immortal Jellyfish, said Baby Pierre. Do you think that it really exists?

It does indeed, said Ageless. I googled it. Turritopsis nutricula. They are in fact growing in numbers. They are thought to have originated in the Caribbean, but they've now spread all over the world.

Baby Pierre was excited by this news.

Will you come on a quest with me, Ageless, to find one? he asked.

He means with us, said Lavender. US!

I will, said Ageless. It will be a pleasure to go on a quest with you, Baby Pierre.

A quest with US, said Lavender.

Of course, with you both, said Ageless. But I can't just drop everything you know. This evening I have an appointment at the Town Hall. Would you care to come with me? We can start on the quest tomorrow.

Goodbye Baby

Baby Pierre was sad the Tour de France was over. Not that he had been able to watch it. But he could hear the television from the next room.

What a shame Sweezus didn't win, he thought. Sweezus was my favourite rider.

The television was on the next night too. Baby Pierre was listening. The program was called QI. Stephen Fry was saying something about jellyfish. Baby Pierre's ears pricked up.

Why are my ears pricking up? said Baby Pierre. I don't have ears. But what is Stephen Fry saying?

Stephen Fry was saying that there was a jellyfish called The Immortal Jellyfish. He said it had the remarkable quality of becoming younger after it had reproduced.

Wow, said Baby Pierre. I wonder if Ageless Lobster knows about this?

He rolled to the middle of the window sill to say goodbye to Kobo.

Auntie Kobo, he said, I'm off on my travels again. This time I'm going on my own.

Why's that? asked Kobo.

Because Frog is dead, said Baby Piere sadly.

Frog, said Kobo, vaguely. Do you mean that tomato?

That tomato was my best friend Frog, said Baby Pierre. There will never be another like him.

How true, said Kobo. I hope you have a warm scarf.

I do, said Baby Pierre. Is that all you have to say?

Say hello to Ageless, said Kobo.

How did you know? asked Baby Pierre.

I listen to QI as well, said Kobo. Good bye, Baby Pierre.