Late Night Philosophical Bus Stop Conversations

Rabbie and Lavender were waiting for a bus to take them to Henley. It was late at night so they had been waiting for a long time.

Can I ask ye somethin' lassie? asked Rabbie. Why d'ye want to go to Henley?

I'm looking for the Mortal Jellyfish, said Lavender. Or the Immortal Jellyfish, I can never remember which.

'Tis my guess ye're lookin' for the Immortal Jellyfish, said Rabbie. Nobody wud want to waste their time on the other sort. I've been both Mortal and Immortal, so I should know.

Have you? said Lavender, impressed. That means you died.

Aye, indeed it does, said Rabbie. At the tender age of 37, I died after a tooth extraction, in 1796.

Cool, said Lavender. So how did you get to be immortal?

I'm a bard, said Rabbie. Ma poems made me immortal.

Oh, said Lavender, losing interest.

I wudna be surprised to find that ye're immortal too, said Rabbie. Ye bein' a kind of a fossilly wee shelly thing.

That's not me, said Lavender stiffly.

What's you then? said Rabbie.

The space where the shelly thing used to be, said Lavender.

A pretty idea, said Rabbie. I like ye better for it.

A thought struck Lavender.

I wonder what's in the space where you used to be? she said.

Why nothin' ye daft wee lassie, said Rabbie. I'm right here. I guarantee it.

No, said Lavender, there'll be something there. And not just your boots. I guarantee it.

D'ye have the second sight now? said Rabbie.

I'm an auger, said Lavender.

Where's this devil of a bus then? said Rabbie Burns, shifting on his stumps.

Oh wad some power

Baby Pierre looked at the plinth.

That's not my daddy, he said. That's Robert Burns. He's a statue.

He looks like you, said Lavender, doubtfully. He's the same colour stone, and he has a nice round head.

Do you think it's nice? said Baby Pierre. My head?

No, his head is nice, said Lavender. But yours is alright.

Robert Burns looked down from his plinth and uttered these words:

"Oh wad some power the giftie gie us,
To see oursels as others see us
It wad frae monie a blunder free us
And foolish notion"

Did you hear that? said Baby Pierre.

Yes, said Lavender. Why's he speaking French?

That's not French, said Baby Pierre. But I don't know what it is. Let's go inside. Ageless will be in the reading room.

They went in and climbed the stairs to the main reading room. Ageless was sitting in front of a computer, in the middle of a row of students.

Ageless! cried Baby Pierre.

Baby Pierre! cried Ageless. You've come back! And who's this?

This is Lavender, said Baby Pierre. She's my cousin.

Not really, said Lavender. But sort of.

Very pleased to meet you, Lavender, said Ageless. How pretty you are!

Don't be creepy, Ageless, said Baby Pierre. And what part of her are you thinking is pretty?

Her lovely shape, said Ageless. Like an auger.

Yes, but what part of her do you think you're talking to? said Baby Pierre. She's the indentation.

Is she really? said Ageless, peering curiously at Lavender.

Stop talking about me as if I wasn't here, said Lavender, crossly.