Stage 18: Pinerolo to Galibier Serre-Chevalier

There are three big climbs today in Stage 18 of the Tour from Pinerolo to Galibier. Farky is hanging out with Tour, Alberto Contador's Weimaraner, half an hour before the start of the race.

Farky: Hiya Tour! How's Alberto feeling about today?

Tour: As if I would tell you.

Farky: Come on, you can tell me. I'm a fellow dog.

Tour: You may be a fellow dog, mi amigo, but you're also a rider in the race, and a rival of my Contador.

Farky: Fair enough, buddy, but I'll tell you our race plan if you'll tell me his.

Tour: No way, Farky, everyone knows your team's plan is cactus. But I'll tell you what. I'm friends with Andy Schleck's dog, Jacks. He's the Jack Russell over there. Want me to introduce you?

Farky: Yeah, I do.

......

Later, at the start of the climb up the Col d'Izoard, Farky draws alongside The VeloDrone and Gustave, who look less than confident about their chances of making it to the top.

The VeloDrone: Farky! Did you learn anything from that dog of Contador's?

Farky: You mean Tour?

The VeloDrone: Is that his name? Bizarre!

Gustave: It's not that bizarre. He'll be named after the Tour.

The VeloDrone: Yes, yes, alright. The obvious can still be bizarre. Well, did you learn anything?

Farky: Tour was too cagey, but I made friends with Andy Schleck's dog, Jacks.

Gustave: My giddy aunt! Do all of the riders have dogs?

Farky: Do you have a problem with that?

Gustave: No, it makes sense I suppose.

Farky: What d'you mean?

The VeloDrone: Save it, you two. What did he say?

Farky: Well, Jacks is a talker. He said Andy Schleck is going to make a big move on the Col d'Izoard.

The VeloDrone: Really? Where is he, then?

At this very moment Andy Schleck makes his big move and passes them on his way up the Col d'Izoard.

The VeloDrone: There he goes! Jacks was right. You're a useful fellow, Farky.

Farky: Thanks!

Gustave: What the devil was the use of us knowing that?

Stage 17: Gap to Pinerolo

Today the Tour is riding through the Alps, and passing into Italy. Belle et Bonne and Marie have hired a motor bike and a movie camera and are following the riders on the road. The first rider they catch up with is Sweezus.

Marie: Hi Sweezus! Looking good! Are you feeling better today?

Sweezus: Whoah! What are you two doing here? You aren't allowed to ride beside the peloton!

Belle et Bonne: Too bad, because we are. Would you like a Power Bar, Sweezus dear?

Sweezus: Thanks Belle. And yes, I'm feeling a lot better today although I've still got the runs. It was bad luck about that Duck a la Limoux. But do you know what Gustave is saying?

Belle et Bonne: No. What is he saying?

Sweezus: He reckons Violetta is at the bottom of it. He thinks that she somehow poisoned the Duck in order to give him and Gaius the runs so that they would ride faster.

Marie: Oh that's hilarious! Why would she poison herself as well?

Sweezus: Gustave thinks she's capable of anything.

Belle et Bonne: Well, that lets us off the hook then. But we're sorry, Sweezie darling. And about letting everyone drink too much as well.

Sweezus: Don't worry, Farky and I didn't drink too much. Farky didn't drink anything but water. By the way, Farky's made friends with Alberto Contador's dog at last. Could be handy. Well, better get my skates on. Bye girls, and thanks for the Power Bar!

Sweezus put his head down and started pedalling. Belle et Bonne and Marie zoomed up the road and soon drew alongside The VeloDrone and Le Bon David, who were pedalling furiously uphill.

The VeloDrone: Marie! Belle et Bonne! What are you doing on that motor bike?

Marie: Filming you! Smile!

Le Bon David: You naughty girls. As if you haven't caused enough trouble already.

Belle et Bonne: It wasn't us, it was Violetta.

Le Bon David: What was? Has there been another graffiti incident?

The VeloDrone: Another! Has there been one?

Le Bon David: I thought someone sploshed a blob of paint on the Virgin's nose back at Lourdes?

Belle et Bonne: That was just a rumour. Hey guess what we just heard? Farky has made friends with Alberto Contador's dog!

The VeloDrone: Brilliant! At last! We'll get some inside information on his race plan. Now girls, make yourselves useful!

Marie: How?

The VeloDrone: Give us a tow up this hill.

Belle et Bonne: Papa!

Stage 16: Saint-Paul-Trois-Chateaux to Gap

It's now Stage 16 in the Tour de France, and the last day before the Alps. We are about to find out what sort of stuff Alberto Contador, Cadel Evans and Andy Schleck are made of. On the wet descent into Gap, Evans passes Contador, to become overall second in the race. The commentators are excited.

Phil Liggett: Look at that! Evans is showing that he really wants to win this race.

Paul Sherwen: He is indeed. But Contador is still a force to be reckoned with.

Phil Liggett: He is. But where's Andy Schleck? He certainly doesn't seem to be at his best today.

Paul Sherwen: No he doesn't. Perhaps he ate something that disagreed with him yesterday.

Phil Liggett: If he did he wouldn't be the only one. The story is that Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious are suffering nasty stomach cramps after eating some Duck a la Limoux at their rest day picnic.

Paul Sherwen: That's one version of the story, Phil. I've heard from other sources that they overindulged in some of the local wines as well, and that's the reason why they're a little bit under the weather this morning.

Phil Liggett: Well, well. At least they're still riding. And they're very fortunate that their best rider Farky MacTaggart doesn't seem to have been affected at all.

Paul Sherwen: No. I was chatting to his team mate Sweezus earlier, and he told me that Farky MacTaggart is tee total, and also that he will never knowingly eat garlic. Which is by the way one of the main ingredients of Duck a la Limoux.

Phil Liggett: Well, thanks for that information Paul. Now perhaps you'd like to tell us why the air here smells of lavender?

Paul Sherwen: But it doesn't, does it?

Phil Liggett: I was just testing you.

Paul Sherwen: It does in the spring.

Phil Liggett: There you have it, from the man who knows.

Stage 15: Limoux to Montpellier

It is windy on the route from Limoux to Montpellier, but at least there are no steep climbs. Some of the riders are chatting amongst themselves.

Mark Cavendish: Hey, Contador! Do you ever feed your dog garlic?

Alberto Contador: Si! Claro! We eat lots of garlic.

Mark Cavendish: What about your dog, Cadel?

Cadel Evans: Pfffft! Never touch it. Why?

Mark Cavendish: Oh, nothing. Just wondered if it's good for dogs.

Thomas Voeckler: Hee Hee! It would be no good for yours.

Mark Cavendish: That's not funny, Thomas. Bugger off!

......

Meanwhile, Belle et Bonne and Marie are shopping in Limoux for the picnic tomorrow, when who should they see in the cake shop but their friend Professor Freud.

Belle et Bonne: Professor! It's lovely to see you again. How are you enjoying the Tour?

Professor Freud: There are too many fools on the sidelines.

Marie: That just makes it more fun.

Professor Freud: And none of my friends are here.

Belle et Bonne: Oh poor Professor Freud! Would you like to come to our picnic tomorrow?

Professor Freud: Picnic? Why thank you my dear. I should love to. Are these some of the things we will be having?

Belle et Bonne: Yes. We thought we'd buy lots of Limoux specialties. We'll start with some peradou, an aperitif cake, then we'll have some artichoke with salted liver, and some Limouxine duck, some Limos, which is a sort of stuffed bun, and finish off with some tap, which is chocolate.

Marie: And to drink, we'll have the local white wines, Blanquette de Limoux, and Crement de Limoux.

Professor Freud: I look forward to it. And perhaps we shall find time to discuss Yukio Mishima's book? Have you both finished it?

Marie: Yes we have. Now we understand how Molly the dachshund felt while she was reading it.

Professor Freud: A dog's view! That will be of great interest to me.

Stage Five: Carhaix to Cap Frehel

Stage Five from Carhaix to Cap Frehel is being dogged by a series of crashes, but Gustave and Violetta are safe at the rear of the peloton. Gustave is ticking off Violetta.

Gustave: I thought you promised not to bring your paints. What's this rumour I hear?

Violetta: I didn't promise. You said 'I trust you are not going to bring your paints'. And I said 'Yes', meaning 'Yes I realise that you trust I am not going to bring my paints but that doesn't mean I'm not going to bring them.

Gustave: That is excessively deceptive of you Violetta. I'm very disappointed.

Violetta: Chill out Gustave. You'll probably end up being glad I brought them.

Gustave: I doubt it, Violetta.

........

Meanwhile, Le Bon David, The VeloDrone, Sweezus and Farky are riding together past some wind turbines.

Le Bon David: Look! Wind turbines!

The VeloDrone: Wonderful things, wind turbines. Clean renewable energy.

Sweezus: Yeah, but listen....

The VeloDrone: Yes, they are a bit noisy.

Sweezus: No I mean, listen, we have to talk about the dog situation.

Farky: What dog situation?

Sweezus: You know. How are you going to make friends with Contador's and Cadel Evans's dogs with people watching your every move?

Farky: Don't worry, it's all under control. I'm eating out tonight with Molly.

Le Bon David: Oh good man!

Farky: Watch it!

Stage 4: Lorient to Mur-de-Bretagne

Rumour was rife amongst the riders, after Sweezus and Violetta had been overheard yesterday. Everyone was speculating about the secret weapons, including the commentary team.

Phil Liggett: Well Paul, I suppose you've heard about the secret weapons?

Paul Sherwen: I have indeed Phil. I bet Contador is shaking in his shoes, and Cadel Evans too, after his win today.

Phil Liggett: I think we can discount the paints as a secret weapon. Any team that uses paints will be sure to be disqualified. It's Farky who'll be the one to watch.

Paul Sherwen: He certainly will. And what a colourful character he is. The only dog ever to have ridden in the Tour de France. The puzzling thing is, he doesn't ride particularly fast.

Phil Liggett: That's true. It does make you wonder.

........

Meanwhile, somewhere between Lorient and Mur-de-Bretagne, The VeloDrone is ticking off Sweezus.

The VeloDrone: I mean, what's the point of a secret weapon, if you're going to blab to everyone about it?

Sweezus: Sorry, I didn't think anyone was listening.

The VeloDrone: You didn't eh? Then why were you talking?

Sweezus: I was talking to Violetta.

The VeloDrone: Hmm. Well there's no reason to tell her all our secrets.

Sweezus: I know. It sucks. Now everyone's watching Farky's every move. How's he going to get friendly with Contador's dog without people suspecting his motives?

The VeloDrone: Don't ask me. But it may not be Contador's dog that he needs to get friendly with anyway. Cadel Evans is looking pretty strong today.

Sweezus: Does Cadel have a dog?

The VeloDrone: I should say so! Haven't you heard of the famous Molly?

Stage 2 - Les Essarts to Les Essarts

Why was Alberto Contador grinning yesterday, as he passed Team Philosophe? Was it because he had passed Team Philosophe?

That is not very likely.

Was it because he had spied Farky's customised panda racing hat?

That is a little more likely.

Was it because he has seen his most feared rival Sweezus bobbing around in the sea back at the Passage du Gois?

That is even more likely.

Or was it because he was unaware that soon he would be involved in a pileup that would lose him well over a minute at the end of the day?

He stopped smiling after that.

.....

It was day two of the Tour. The Team Time Trials. Team Philosophe was in a pickle.

The VeloDrone: What can we do? We have only four riders and it's the fifth rider's time that counts.

Le Bon David: What we usually do. Join up with someone.

Sweezus: If only Marie and Belle et Bonne were here.

Farky: But we don't need them. Let's ask Team Bumptious. They're in the same boat.

So they asked Gustave if Team Bumptious would consider teaming up for the time trials. Gustave conferred with his team.

Gustave: Well what do you say?

Gaius: I say let's do it.

Violetta: I say so too. That Sweezus is hot.

Gustave: No he isn't. Did you hear what he did yesterday? He stopped riding and went for a swim.

Violetta: So romantic!

Gaius: Tch!

Stage One - to Mont des Alouettes

With the Passage du Gois well behind them, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were in the middle of the main peloton, riding through the Vendee, on their way to Mont des Alouettes.

Any idea where Sweezus and Farky have got to? asked Le Bon David.

No, said The VeloDrone. But I hope they're somewhere in front.

Just then Farky came up behind them, resplendent in his Team Philosphe jersey and his customised panda racing hat.

Farky! said Le Bon David. How goes it? We thought you were up at the front.

Whoooo!! said Farky. No. This racing is hard. And Sweezus is way behind me.

Have a drink, said The VeloDrone, handing him an electrolytic sports drink.

Yuk, said Farky. Got any water?

No, said The VeloDrone. You'd better drink this. And what's wrong wih Sweezus?

He's missing the girls, said Farky.

The girls! said Le Bon David, shocked. There are lots of girls here.

He knows, said Farky. But he's missing Marie and Belle et Bonne. When we were riding along the Passage du Gois he got quite emotional, and wanted to stop for a bit. He sent them both a text and then decided to go for a dip. He's still in the water as far as I know.

Good heavens! said The VeloDrone. I hadn't anticipated this.

At that moment Albert Contador rode past, grinning widely.

Only in Spain

You don't know who Lance Armstrong is? said Gustave, astonished.

Of course I do, replied Violetta. I merely meant to indicate that he is of no importance now. Our main rival in the Tour de France will be Alberto Contador.

True, said Gustave. I hear he is a little worried about the competition.

He should be, said Violetta. Not only because we are in it, but I believe that Team Philosophe is very strong this year.

I've heard the same, said Gaius. Very strong. They have a wonder dog, and a dark horse called Sweezus.

A dog and a horse! said Violetta. Bizarre!

He's not actually a horse, said Gaius.

........

Alberto Contador WAS worried by this year's competition. He had heard some alarming things about Team Philosophe. He mentioned his fears to his manager.

Alberto Contador: What is this I'm hearing about Team Philosophe? They are having a dog as a rider. Surely that is not allowed!

His Manager: Normally no. But they have produced a special permit signed by Nicolas Sarcozy. These French they stick together.

Alberto Contador: Madre de dios! And what if I was to wish to join my own personal dog to my team Saxobank Sungard? I think this would not be allowed, no way!

His Manager: It is not the dog you have to fear so much as this Sweezus.

Alberto Contador: Who is he this Sweezus?

His Manager: I hesitate to tell you.

Alberto Contador: Tell me nevertheless.

His Manager: His real name is Jesus. Sweezus is his Twitter name.

Alberto Contador: So what? Many men are called Jesus.

His Manager: Only in Spain, Alberto. Only in Spain.

Haysoos

The fish and chips were eaten and the plates were washed. Everyone was sitting around the table chatting. Mrs Hume had begun to warm to Sweezus.

You know, she said, I would be inclined to believe it, if you were Spanish.

Believe what? asked Sweezus, suppressing a burp of repletion.

You name being Jesus, said Mrs Hume. A lot of Spanish are called Jesus.

They are, but they pronounce it Haysoos, said Sweezus.

Do they really? said Mrs Hume. And do they pronounce Joseph Hoseph?

Hosay, I think, but I don't really know, said Sweezus, not being Spanish myself.

What a pity, said Mrs Hume. I like the Spanish. Except for that Alberto Contador.

We don't like him either, said Farky, butting in. He's our main rival in the Tour de France.

That's no reason for not liking him, said Le Bon David.

There you go, David, said Mrs Hume. Philosophising in that shallow Velosophy way.

Mother, said Le Bon David. I hadn't finished my argument.

Well, said The VeloDrone. It's been lovely, Mrs Hume, but we've all had a very long day, including, no doubt, yourself. I think it's time for us to be thinking of going.

Everyone stood up.

Well, thank you David dear, for picking me up and driving me home, said Mrs Hume. And good luck all of you in the Tour de France. Oh, and when you go out, would one of you mind turning my pot? The one in the corner with the tree? You look strong, she said, looking at Sweezus.

Alright, said Sweezus. No worries. Bye Mrs Hume!

Le Bon David grinned at The VeloDrone as they stepped out into the night.

That went pretty well, he said.

It did, agreed The VeloDrone.

Contador's Dog

Have you ever tried to ride a bicycle, Farky? asked Belle et Bonne.

No, said Farky, but I used to travel in a bicycle basket when I was a puppy.

Would you like to learn to ride? asked The VeloDrone.

Dogs can't ride, said Farky.

Dogs can't talk, replied The VeloDrone.

True, said Farky. Yes, I would like to learn how to ride.

Good, said the VeloDrone. I'm looking for new team members for Team Philosophe. The Tour de France is coming up in July. Are you interested?

Am I! said Farky. Do you think there's enough time for me to get up to speed?

Yes, if you start coming out with David and me every afternoon, said The VeloDrone.

Yippee! said Farky. The Tour de France! I'll get to meet Alberto Contador's dog!

I didn't know he had a dog, said Belle et Bonne.

Google it, said Farky. I'll bet you he's got a dog.

Belle googled Contador's dog.

Well, well! she said. He does have a dog. A Weimaraner called Tour.

I knew it, said Farky.

Why do you want to meet Contador's dog? asked Belle et Bonne. Are you a fan of Contador?

No, said Farky, but if I befriend his dog, I may learn something that will give our team the advantage.

Very good, said The VeloDrone. I see you are made of the right stuff, Farquhar MacTaggart. This is looking very promising for Team Philosophe.

Eugene Christophe

At the end of Stage 15 Team Philosphe is deep in philosophical debate.

The VeloDrone: At last! Andy Schleck has lost the yellow jersey!

Le Bon David: Yes. And Alberto Contador has got it. But don't you think he should have stopped when Andy Schleck's chain fell off near the top of the mountain?

The VeloDrone: Of course not! It is a race, not a game of English cricket! Your duty is to win, not to be fair.

Jean Paul Sartre: I agree. You create your own luck. You should seize the day!

Simone de Beauvoir: But Poor Andy Schleck! It wasn't his fault that his chain fell off.

Belle et Bonne: At least he was back on the road within seconds. In 1913 when the lead rider's fork broke he had to pick up his bicycle, run with it to the nearest village and mend it himself at the blacksmith's.

Simone de Beauvoir: That would have set him back a bit.

Belle et Bonne: Hours!

The VeloDrone: In that case, I wonder why he bothered. Are you quite sure this story is true, Belle et Bonne?

Belle et Bonne: Yes. His name was Eugene Christophe.

Le Bon David: I should not have bothered.

Jean Paul Sartre: Nor I.

Simone de Beauvoir: Then how would you have got home?

Belle et Bonne: Oh good one, Simone!

On The VeloDrone's Wall

Great response from readers of the VeloDrone yesterday! Here's just a sample:

Hi VeloDrone! Love the name of your bicycle. I used to call mine The Flying Dutchman. Don't know where it is now. Richard Wagner.

VeloDrone! Interesting you should see your bike Candide as female, when the Candide of your novel was a young man. Sigmund Freud.

My own bicycle was a Utilitarian. J S Mill.

My bike was always catching fire. Not ideal. Plato.

Good article VeloDrone! I used to share a bicycle with Engels. It was the community bike. We rode her into a wall. Karl Marx.

Way to go VeloDrone! Candide is tops! I had a bike in the old days, I called her The Holy Ghost. Boy, she was fast. Blink and you missed her. John the Baptist.

My bike was an Epistemological Nihilist. Denied all knowledge, always getting me lost. Dr Livingstone.

Mine was an Enigma. I rode her till her chain fell off. Alan Turing

A talking bicycle. Wish I had one! Alberto Contador.

Boys! Boys! They're only bicycles! Germaine Greer.

The VeloDrone

No, I don't, said Pliny crossly. But I suppose you are going to tell me anyway.

Not unless you want me to, I replied.

Hmm, said Pliny. Alright then, tell me who was the winner of your absurd the Tour de France.

Alberto Contador, I said, followed by one of the Schlecks, and Lance Armstrong.

Yes of course, said Pliny, I know that, but what happened to the members of your Team Philosophe? Rousseau was last seen pedalling furiously up Mont Ventoux. Did he get to the top?

Oh yes, he did. And in record time. He would have been King of the Mountain, but he went flying down the other side and headed straight for Paris without stopping, so he was disqualified. He was livid. He claimed no one had told him he was meant to catch the train to Montereux.

What about Voltaire and Hume? asked Pliny. Did they finish well?

Well, they finished, I said. But not too well. They got into a very deep conversation about the cyclical nature of history and the cogs of human understanding, and they forgot all about trying to win the race. They were philosophical about it though. They're going to give up racing and publish a cycling and philosophy journal together.

Oh really? said Pliny, looking interested. I must watch out for it. What is it to be called?

Hume wants to call it Velosophy, but Voltaire thinks it will be more amusing to call it The VeloDrone.