Busted

Lavender, you are so busted, said Baby Pierre. Wait till Ageless hears about this.

What? said Lavender, although she knew.

You broke the statue of Rabbit Burns, said Baby Pierre. That makes you a vandal. You will be in the newspapers, and not in a good way.

It's Rabbie, not Rabbit, said Lavender. And I didn't break him, he broke himself. He wanted to come on the quest.

Well, where is he now? asked Baby Pierre.

Lavender shrugged. I don't know. He wanted to sit on the footpath and wait until morning, and I didn't.

That's just like you, said Baby Pierre.

Good, said Lavender. I like being like me.

Hear hear, said the Seagull Oracle. To thine own self be true.

What's that supposed to mean? asked Baby Pierre.

It's Shakespeare, said the Seagull Oracle. It means do what you like. And I would, if I wasn't cemented on here.

Poor Seagull Oracle, said Lavender. Would you like a biscuit or anything?

What sort? said the Seagull Oracle.

Lavender turned to Baby Pierre.

What sort are in Ageless's tin?

Yam, snapped Baby Pierre.

That sounds nice, said the Seagull Oracle wistfully. But I don't eat, you know.

That's alright, said Lavender. To thine own self .... what was it again?

Beetroot! said Baby Pierre.

Shakespeare Dot Com

The play is ended. The crowd pours out of the Bakehouse Theatre into the hot Adelaide night. The philosophers head off for a drink at the edge of town.

Le Bon David: Well!

The VeloDrone: What do you mean, "Well!" ?

Le Bon David: I always found Shakespeare lamentably lacking in taste. But this took the cake! Robots! Computer games! Changing the endings at will!

The VeloDrone: Bollywoodstyle dancing. Everyone talking at once. Indecipherable acronyms. ROFLMAO, I ask you!

Marie: Oh dear, perhaps it's a generational thing. Don't you know what ROFLMAO means?

The VeloDrone: I do now. Rolling on the floor laughing and so on. The rest is rude and barbarous.

Belle et Bonne: Laughing my arse off, papa. But remember, you once accused Shakespeare of being rude and barbarous.

The VeloDrone: But I admitted he was a genius as well. I even adapted some of his plays.

Marie: So you did. You changed them out of all recognition. Hamlet, Macbeth, Julius Caesar. You gave them a rationalist twist.

Le Bon David: So you did, Vello. I remember. Rather like the young cast of Shakespeare Dot Com were trying to do here tonight, wouldn't you say? Give Shakespeare a modern technological twist.

The VeloDrone: Well, they succeeded in that.

Belle et Bonne: But did you enjoy it, papa and Uncle David? I did. The PUC robot reminded me of a friend of mine. And it was fun when the cast called us on our mobile phones.

Le Bon David: Pity I didn't have a mobile phone. But yes, I suppose I did enjoy it.

Marie: I liked it when Juliet died.

Belle et Bonne: And Romeo went internet dating to find a new girlfiend.

Marie: So funny! ROFLMAO!

Nothing is Really Difficult

The VeloDrone, Marie and Belle et Bonne are in the Garden of Unearthly Delights, lounging in deckchairs in front of a large wooden box.

Marie: What an intriguing box.

Belle et Bonne: "Niets Is Echt Moeilijk". What does that mean?

The VeloDrone: It means Nothing is Really Difficult. It's Dutch.

Belle et Bonne: Clever papa!

Marie: Where's David got to? It's way past lunch time.

The VeloDrone: He went to a concert in the Elder Hall. Oh, here he is now!

Le Bon David: Here I am!

The VEloDrone: How was the concert?

Le Bon David: Awful! I don't like these modern nineteenth century composers. Always galloping. Have you ever heard Schumann's Davidsbundlertanze?

Marie: David's Group Dances! That sounds like something you'd enjoy.

Le Bn David: Well it wasn't. It was eighteen short character pieces on the piano, all of a jumble. They went by the names of Lively, Heartfelt, Humorous, Impatient, Simple, Very Quick, Not Fast and Fresh Laid.

The VeloDrone: That's only nine.

Le Bon David: He went through them twice.

Belle et Bonne: Could you tell which was which?

Le Bon David: No, that was the thing. Whenever I thought I'd worked out where we were up to, the next piece would prove I was wrong. I tried cheating by following an old lady's finger but she was bamboozled as well. She got to the end of the program a long time before the pianist did.

Belle et Bon: Poor Uncle David! Never mind. Let's go and get some lunch. And tonight we're all going to the Bakehouse to see @Shakespeare.com.

Le Bon David (groaning) : Shakespeare!

The VeloDrone: Dot com, David. Dot com.

Ignorance

At the Lunch Hour Concert I was sitting behind four middle aged people who were together. Something nasty had happened in the garden of one of them. One said, Have you seen The Shining? No, said another, have you seen Eyes Wide Shut?

The Chamber Ensemble came on stage in twos and threes. As they appeared some people at the back would clap. This continued disconcertingly as the stage filled up.

The first piece was by William Walton. I don't know a thing about William Walton, except what was in the notes. He wrote some music for a Shakespeare film in the 1940s. A Shakespeare film. Classy.

So, I'm listening. I hear traffic. Sigh. I hear chipmunks. Yuk. I hear bees. Hmm. I hear spooky noises, like the movement of curtains in a dark house at night. William Walton must have written this one for a film as well, I think. A multi-purpose piece. And very 1940s-ish.

They stop playing. The conductor indicates a young man sitting in the sixth row on the left. The composer. He is Stephen Tanoto. He takes a bow.

Thus I realise, and so do the 4 in front of me, that we had not been listening to William Walton.

Ha Ha they laugh. Ha Ha Ha. We didn't think it sounded much like Walton.

Well, I did. But now I know it wasn't. I am miffed, and can't get into this new Walton which they are playing now. Sure it has chipmunks. And traffic, and what's this? Carrots! But I feel cheated. I had been looking forward to the Tanoto. It was based on a chipmunk-free madrigal, and I missed it.

This new Walton madrigal piece was in 4 movements. The people at the back clapped in between, with decreasing confidence.

It ended. The people in front of me clapped ostentatiously, turning towards one another and nodding. That was the Walton alright. We always knew.