Sweezus stood up in the shallows and looked for his shoes and shorts. He couldn't see them anywhere.
He looked up towards the carpark at the top of the steps. No one was there.
Even his bicycle seemed to have disappeared.
He climbed up the steps and looked to left and right. There was a surfer's van down one end of the carpark. He wandered over.
Hey! he said, to the half-wetsuited surfer who was fiddling with something round the back. Have you seen my bike?
Dude! said the surfer. Is your name Sweezus or something?
Yeah, said Sweezus. Well?
Those guys that were here. They said, if you came back, to meet them at the Port Elliot Bakery. They've got your clothes and your bike.
Oh brilliant, said Sweezus. That's just ...... gnarly.
Hey dude! I can see you're no grommet!, said the surfer. Wanna come out? It's gunna be epic out there.
I know, said Sweezus. I was just out there. I met these two whales.
Stellar! said the surfer.
Yeah, but I don't wanna go out again, I'm still wrinkly, said Sweezus. Where's this Bakery?
Inland, that-a-way, said the surfer. Man, you wanna borrow some shorts?
Oh! Hell yeah! said Sweezus, ever good at languages. Thanks, dude!
Sweezus borrowed a pair of Hawaiian-style Mambo shorts, and set off in the direction the surfer had pointed. It wasn't long before he reached the main road at Port Elliot and spotted a long queue of people snaking out of a building and onto the footpath. There was a delicious smell in the air. It smelled like a bakery. He thought he could see Belle et Bonne, and the others, near the end of the queue. He started walking towards them.
Then he remembered, he was potentially under arrest.
What should he do?
Showing posts with label carpark. Show all posts
Showing posts with label carpark. Show all posts
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Friday, April 30, 2010
Einstein's Unification Theory
Gentlemen! My mind is on fire! So many concepts to unify! Please find enclosed my first submission to your magazine entitled:
The Unification Theory of Bicycle-Photograffiti Appearances ( a working title).
I have long been a fan of graffiti. Imagine my surprise when I saw, appearing on various walls around our city, a series of graffiti depicting the famous photograph of myself on a bicycle. Is it really me? I wondered, at first. Many people commented that it looked more like a photo of a lady. When I looked hard at it I realised that this was true. It was an elderly lady wearing my trousers and my cardigan, her hair blown back in the wind, a shadow on her upper lip cast by the sun overhead, smiling joyfully as she sped toward the camera. On a carpark wall her message seemed to be: Get out of your cars you slackers, ride a bike like me! If I can do it so can you! On the other hand I knew very well that the photograph was of myself. Was I not wearing my own trousers and my own cardigan? My hair was blown back by the wind and my moustache was in full view for all to see. My message was clear: Yes people! I thought of the Law of Relativity while riding my bicycle!
So here we have a bicyclical instance of the unification of gender, of graffiti, of photography and to a certain extent, of message. Let us now call the bicycle BB. Let us call the message M.
Several weeks later the bicycle graffiti photographs were expunged by the city council workers, which was a shame as they had been quite popular. What then of BB? What of M? What indeed of P and G and the other G? ( which are what you think they are ).
This is where my attempt at a scientific unification meets the cutting edge of philosophy. What had we left after the council had done their work? Nothing. Zero. Equality. Unification of everything: man, woman, photograph, smile, moustache, trousers, cardigan, graffiti, bicycle, message. Thus I have come up with a working formula, BB =PGG= M= 0.
Of course I do not expect the general community to understaaaand it. Oh damn! Thee backspac butto is stuc ag !!! has a min of its own ....AEEEEEEEE
The Unification Theory of Bicycle-Photograffiti Appearances ( a working title).
I have long been a fan of graffiti. Imagine my surprise when I saw, appearing on various walls around our city, a series of graffiti depicting the famous photograph of myself on a bicycle. Is it really me? I wondered, at first. Many people commented that it looked more like a photo of a lady. When I looked hard at it I realised that this was true. It was an elderly lady wearing my trousers and my cardigan, her hair blown back in the wind, a shadow on her upper lip cast by the sun overhead, smiling joyfully as she sped toward the camera. On a carpark wall her message seemed to be: Get out of your cars you slackers, ride a bike like me! If I can do it so can you! On the other hand I knew very well that the photograph was of myself. Was I not wearing my own trousers and my own cardigan? My hair was blown back by the wind and my moustache was in full view for all to see. My message was clear: Yes people! I thought of the Law of Relativity while riding my bicycle!
So here we have a bicyclical instance of the unification of gender, of graffiti, of photography and to a certain extent, of message. Let us now call the bicycle BB. Let us call the message M.
Several weeks later the bicycle graffiti photographs were expunged by the city council workers, which was a shame as they had been quite popular. What then of BB? What of M? What indeed of P and G and the other G? ( which are what you think they are ).
This is where my attempt at a scientific unification meets the cutting edge of philosophy. What had we left after the council had done their work? Nothing. Zero. Equality. Unification of everything: man, woman, photograph, smile, moustache, trousers, cardigan, graffiti, bicycle, message. Thus I have come up with a working formula, BB =PGG= M= 0.
Of course I do not expect the general community to understaaaand it. Oh damn! Thee backspac butto is stuc ag !!! has a min of its own ....AEEEEEEEE
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Uneventful Walks - 2
We drove to the Largs Pier Hotel, and stopped in the carpark round the back. Here begins the second uneventful walk.
We walked to the back entrance of the hotel and went in. Passing the toilets on the right, and a door leading to the gaming rooms, we stopped at the reception desk to check in. From here we could see out through the front door to the road, the Norfolk Island pines, the jetty and the sea.
Now we had our room key, and some directions. We walked out through the front door, along the verandah, past groups of people drinking coffee in the sun. Re-entering the hotel through the main entrance we climbed the grand wide staircase up to the first landing where the staircase split into two and turned back on itself. Now taking the left staircase we reached the first floor, crossed the wide landing and, facing the back of the building, turned right and followed the passage round a corner to the end.
We entered our room, walked down some unexpected steps and over to the window where there was a sea view of sorts. You just had to look over the rooftop and the airconditioning ducts, to see two pine trees and the sea.
Now, having established the location of our room, we walked back up the steps, out of the door, and turned right, towards the emergency exit. We went down the emergency exit stairs, through a door at the bottom into a space behind the gaming room and kitchen and through another door into the carpark. Then, carrying our suitcases, we were obliged to walk right around the outside of the hotel past the bottle shop on Jetty Road, past the verandah outside the front bar, to the front entrance. This was because we couldn't use the emergency exit to get back in as the doors had automatically locked behind us.
We carried our suitcases up the grand wide staircase, following the route we had taken previously. Here an incident occurred, so that the walk was not entirely uneventful. Three ladies emerged from the front bar and staggered up the right hand staircase to the upper landing. All three of them were giggling and one had to be supported. Please excuse my friends, said one of the ladies, as they collapsed and giggled all the way to the second floor.
Ignoring the ladies we continued up the left hand staircase, followed the passage to our room and entered, shutting the door behind us. Here ends the second uneventful walk.
We walked to the back entrance of the hotel and went in. Passing the toilets on the right, and a door leading to the gaming rooms, we stopped at the reception desk to check in. From here we could see out through the front door to the road, the Norfolk Island pines, the jetty and the sea.
Now we had our room key, and some directions. We walked out through the front door, along the verandah, past groups of people drinking coffee in the sun. Re-entering the hotel through the main entrance we climbed the grand wide staircase up to the first landing where the staircase split into two and turned back on itself. Now taking the left staircase we reached the first floor, crossed the wide landing and, facing the back of the building, turned right and followed the passage round a corner to the end.
We entered our room, walked down some unexpected steps and over to the window where there was a sea view of sorts. You just had to look over the rooftop and the airconditioning ducts, to see two pine trees and the sea.
Now, having established the location of our room, we walked back up the steps, out of the door, and turned right, towards the emergency exit. We went down the emergency exit stairs, through a door at the bottom into a space behind the gaming room and kitchen and through another door into the carpark. Then, carrying our suitcases, we were obliged to walk right around the outside of the hotel past the bottle shop on Jetty Road, past the verandah outside the front bar, to the front entrance. This was because we couldn't use the emergency exit to get back in as the doors had automatically locked behind us.
We carried our suitcases up the grand wide staircase, following the route we had taken previously. Here an incident occurred, so that the walk was not entirely uneventful. Three ladies emerged from the front bar and staggered up the right hand staircase to the upper landing. All three of them were giggling and one had to be supported. Please excuse my friends, said one of the ladies, as they collapsed and giggled all the way to the second floor.
Ignoring the ladies we continued up the left hand staircase, followed the passage to our room and entered, shutting the door behind us. Here ends the second uneventful walk.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Election Day - Sticking With Vini
Who possesses this electorate?
Vini, who rolls around it diurnally
On a bicycle?
Or Steven Marshall, newcomer
Who is very keen to get in?
False question, for this electorate
Belongs to no man
Or woman either
And all that happens here
Would happen anyway.
But that is not to say
We should not have got up earlier
This morning.
For Steven Marshall pipped us at the post
And got his corflutes up
Taking all the best spots
Near the polling booth
Leaving us only the mesh fence
Behind the carpark.
The cunning bastard.
(Apologies to Norman MacCaig, whose poem, A Man in Assynt, inspired this rant)
Vini, who rolls around it diurnally
On a bicycle?
Or Steven Marshall, newcomer
Who is very keen to get in?
False question, for this electorate
Belongs to no man
Or woman either
And all that happens here
Would happen anyway.
But that is not to say
We should not have got up earlier
This morning.
For Steven Marshall pipped us at the post
And got his corflutes up
Taking all the best spots
Near the polling booth
Leaving us only the mesh fence
Behind the carpark.
The cunning bastard.
(Apologies to Norman MacCaig, whose poem, A Man in Assynt, inspired this rant)
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Thinking Street
Chocolate? What kind is it?
Dark energy.
Oh I see. Is that why I can't actually see it?
Yes.
What a pity. I like chocolate.
So do I. My friend Li Feng gave me a chocolate this morning. A Ferrero Rocher. She didn't have one herself. She never does. She says they give her pimples. That reminds me. Something she told me supports the hypothesis of the expanding universe. Two things actually.
What were they?
The first thing was that when she went to visit the Tax Office last Wednesday, it had moved. It was much further away than it used to be. She called them on her mobile and a nice man gave her directions, so she got there eventually. I asked her where the Tax Office is now and she said it was on Thinking Street. That means I probably wouldn't be able to find it either.
Thinking Street. There isn't a Thinking Street in the city is there?
No, that's just it. Unless she meant King William Street.
Mmm. What was the other thing?
She said that when she goes to the Central Market, and parks her car in the Central Market carpark, she always gets charged for an extra hour, even though she makes sure that she gets to the exit with four minutes to spare.
Perhaps their clock is fast, or hers is slow.
No, she's checked, and they're both right, but it happens every time.
Doesn't that support the hypothesis of a contracting universe, if she doesn't get as long as she thinks she should?
No I don't think so. She ends up with 56 minutes of parking time that she's paid for but doesn't need. That's a lot of extra time. And time is equivalent to space, on the space time continuum.
True. Especially in a carpark.
Dark energy.
Oh I see. Is that why I can't actually see it?
Yes.
What a pity. I like chocolate.
So do I. My friend Li Feng gave me a chocolate this morning. A Ferrero Rocher. She didn't have one herself. She never does. She says they give her pimples. That reminds me. Something she told me supports the hypothesis of the expanding universe. Two things actually.
What were they?
The first thing was that when she went to visit the Tax Office last Wednesday, it had moved. It was much further away than it used to be. She called them on her mobile and a nice man gave her directions, so she got there eventually. I asked her where the Tax Office is now and she said it was on Thinking Street. That means I probably wouldn't be able to find it either.
Thinking Street. There isn't a Thinking Street in the city is there?
No, that's just it. Unless she meant King William Street.
Mmm. What was the other thing?
She said that when she goes to the Central Market, and parks her car in the Central Market carpark, she always gets charged for an extra hour, even though she makes sure that she gets to the exit with four minutes to spare.
Perhaps their clock is fast, or hers is slow.
No, she's checked, and they're both right, but it happens every time.
Doesn't that support the hypothesis of a contracting universe, if she doesn't get as long as she thinks she should?
No I don't think so. She ends up with 56 minutes of parking time that she's paid for but doesn't need. That's a lot of extra time. And time is equivalent to space, on the space time continuum.
True. Especially in a carpark.
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