Terror on the Precipice

Farky lies flat on his surfboard. Drip drip drip. Water drips from his paddle into the sea. Two dolphins are swimming below the surfboard, round and round.

The same two dolphins.

You said Christmas was on Tuesday, says the first one. Was it?

No, says the second dolphin. I said it was next Tuesday.

Oh, next Tuesday, says the first dolphin. That's ages off.

They continue swimming round in circles under Farky, until they spot a shark.

.........

On the shore Belle et Bonne has received a text from Mrs Hume.

How's she going? asks Midge.

She's had a lovely massage and she's feeling pink and fluffy, says Belle et Bonne, and she's coming home on Monday night in time for Christmas.

Professor Freud pricks up his ears. Pink and fluffy. Women say the most revealing things. He ought to write them down.

Awesome, says Sweezus. That means Arthur'll be back in time for my birthday.

Hey! says Surfing-With-Whales. Let's have a party on the beach. Mum can do the pizzas.

Cool, says Sweezus. Belle et Bonne and Midge can do the cake.

.........

Mummy, her two friends and Mrs Hume arrive home pink and fluffy and are suitably surprised. There are forty people at the party, half of whom are children. The children's faces have been painted by a fairy. They are in the bouncy castle jumping up and down. The adults are on the balcony chatting about improvements to their property while eating dips and crisps.

Arthur is bored. He decides to go exploring.

He heads off down the Old Bathurst Road to Emu Plains Station and catches the next train for the Blue Mountains.

He gets off at Leura, and walks to the end of the main street looking for a viewing point. He wants to see if the Blue Mountains are really blue.

He hears footsteps behind him.

Arthur! says Bunny, tapping him on the shoulder.

Merde! says Arthur, lapsing into French.

He is standing at the edge of a steep precipice without a railing.

What does she want now? To kill him? Or a philosophical discussion?

What A Dolphin Knows

Arthur goes outside to talk to Bunny.

Did you follow me here? he says.

Yesterday I did, says Bunny. And I came back today. I want to ask you something.

Why? says Arthur.

Don't you mean what? says Bunny

No, says Arthur. I bet I already know what. You want to come back to Middleton with me and meet Sweezus.

Well can I? asks Bunny.

No, says Arthur. I only travel with poets and intellectuals.

Arthur! calls Butterfly from inside the house.

What? says Arthur.

Fish went to the toilet so he gets a treat! Can I have one as well?

Wow! says Bunny. I wish I was an intellectual.

Arthur is annoyed. He goes back inside and shuts the door.

.....

Mrs Hume is sitting in a corner of the Spirit Room at Endota Spa in Rozelle, a trendy suburb of  Sydney. She is dressed in a white bathrobe and a disposable paper g-string. Her feet are in a bowl of water in which small black things float.

Now, says Gill, smell these three essences and choose the one you're drawn to. It will be the one your body craves.

Mrs Hume chooses the first one. It is the only one that she can smell.

Citrus, says Gill. That's lively. Now get up on the table.

Gill massages Mrs Hume and they talk of this and that. Of laser treatments and Brazilians, of childhood and siblings, of swimming pools and the joys of a country living. The conversation turns to coal seam gas and fracking.

My sister is against it, murmurs Mrs Hume. She's coming to the party......

My father's in the mining industry, says Gill, so he's on the other side......

Mrs Hume drifts off into a pleasant place......

..........

Farky has drifted even further out. He remembers someone saying there would be no waves until Tuesday.

He looks down. The dolphin is still there. Or else another one.

When is Tuesday? he asks the dolphin.

As if a dolphin would know that, scoffs the dolphin. Shwssssh!

Silence but for the lapping of water against the surfboard and the dripping of the oar.

Wait! says the dolphin. Tuesday. That is Christmas.

Yes but when? asks Farky.

Tuesday, says the dolphin, swimming off.

Surprises

Farky is a little dot on the horizon.

Why did you let him go by himself? asks Belle et Bonne.

He'll be fine, says Sweezus. He has four legs, that's two more than me.

Think about it, says Belle et Bonne.

They all think about it, Gaius, Professor Freud, Surfing-With-Whales, Midge and Sweezus.

Four legs, they are thinking, no arms.

....

Farky is thinking about it too.

I'm too far out, thinks Farky. Way too far out. How do I turn round?

He waggles the paddle about in the water. It is difficult to do with four legs that have had knee reconstructions.

A dolphin swims alongside.

Prrrrp, says the dolphin.You look like you're stuffed.

I know it, says Farky. Could you give me a tow?

Toe? says the dolphin. Hello? No!

Farky suspected as much.

.........

Arthur is contemplating his future.

It's the children's mummy's birthday, and a surprise party has been planned.

Mrs Hume and mummy and two of mummy's best friends are being sent to a day spa to get them out of the house for the morning.

I'm looking forward to this, says Mrs Hume. Luxury and pampering. I deserve it.

What do I deserve? says Arthur.

Your shorts are dry, says Mrs Hume. Put them on and help the children's daddy. You and the children may decorate the garden with streamers, and put up the bouncy castle.

Mrs Hume goes off in the car with the ladies.

The ladies are chattering in the car about work.

Mrs Hume hopes her legs are not fuzzy.

Arthur is not happy.

There is a knock on the door. Arthur opens it, expecting another delivery.

But no, it is Bunny, from the Gospel Reformed Church.

Hello, Arthur, says Bunny. Can we talk?

Women's Low Centre of Gravity

Look at this! says Sweezus, waving a paddle.

It's a paddle, says Farky. So what?

It's for Stand Up Paddle Surfing, says Sweezus. Wanna have a go?

Why am I just the man? asks Farky. You said I was just the man.

You'll have a low centre of gravity, says Sweezus. Like a woman.

Farky is doubly insulted. A woman! But he likes the idea.

Alright says Farky. Help me on.

Sweezus helps Farky onto the SUP board and gives him a helpful push.

Wait! says Farky. What do I do?

Grab this, says Sweezus, handing Farky a paddle. Now paddle. That's all.

Any advice? asks Farky, attempting to paddle.

Keep your eye on the horizon, says Sweezus. And you'll be alright.

Don't forget to turn, he adds. The idea is to catch a wave back in.

But it's too late. Farky has floated away.

..........

Gaius and Freud return to the beach with their collection of eggs. Belle et Bonne and Midge are sitting under the big red umbrella.

Look, girls, says Gaius. Phasmid eggs.

Wow! says Midge. They look just like seeds.

No, no, says Gaius. They've got knobs on. See.

The girls act impressed.

..........

Meanwhile in Blaxland Arthur is in charge of the cake making project. The children have a bowl each.

Arthur gives the children the ingredients to make half a cake, one ingredient at a time.

The children will mix their ingredients. Then Arthur will spoon the two mixtures into a cake tin. What can go wrong?

Why is the mixture of Fish very runny and all up his arms? While the mixture of Butterfly is dry and crumbly and won't stick together at all.

Arthur scrapes Fish's arms. They are warm. The mixture looks half cooked already. He adds the scrapings to Butterfly's crumbly bits.

He squeezes everything together into a greyish lump.

Pink! says Butterfly. Mummy's cake should be pink!

Are my pants dry yet? says Arthur.

No, says Mrs Hume.

Just The Man

Freud comes back to where Gaius is squatting.

Gaius looks up.

What's that on the front of your trousers? asks Gaius.

Freud looks down at his trousers.

It's a stick insect. A big one.

It may be a Titan, says Gaius.

Indeed, says Freud. It looks like a Titan, but they don't normally frequent these parts.

He pulls the Titan away from his trousers, and drops it to the ground where it lapses into a state of catalepsy.

Pity, says Gaius. It's not a new species. But here! Take a look at these eggs.

Freud peers at the eggs. They look like carved seeds.

How do you know they're not seeds, asks Freud doubtfully.

They have characteristic knobs, says Gaius.

Freud bends down to examine the knobs like the knob connoisseur that he is.

..........

Arthur has finished his coffee. He heads back to the house via the fire track. A black kangaroo hops away into the forest. In the row of back gardens dogs yap and swings creak.

He reaches the house and goes in.

Where have you BEEN? says Mrs Hume crossly.

Drying my shorts in the air, says Arthur. But they still smell of pee.

I'll rinse them out for you, says Mrs Hume, if you'll take over here.

Arthur sits down at the table where Butterfly and Fish are making cards for their mummy and daddy, poking sparkling sequins into vast blobs of glue plastered onto sheets of graph paper.

You've used far too much glue, says Arthur.

More glue, says Fish.

Arthur sighs.

Would you children like to bake a cake for mummy? says Mrs Hume, sticking her head round the door of the laundry. Arthur, can you organise that?

Arthur is trapped. He does not want to help the children bake a cake for mummy, but he can't leave. He's not wearing pants.

.........

At Middleton, the water is flat.

Belle et Bonne sits on the beach with Farky.

Midge comes over.

Hi, says Midge. No surf until Tuesday. It sucks.

I know, says Belle et Bonne. Why don't we go back to Victor?

It's the same there, says Midge.

But we could go on the island, says Belle.

I can't, says Farky. No dogs allowed.

I forget you're a dog, says Belle et Bonne.

That's insulting, says Farky.

He goes off to find Sweezus.

Farky! says Sweezus. Just the man!

Dispersal

Arthur has now got wet shorts.

Fish! says Arthur. You peed on me. Get off, I need to stand up.

He stands up and takes off his shorts.

Arthur! says Mrs Hume. What are you doing?

My shorts need a wash, says Arthur. Fish piddled all over me. I thought he was trained.

Fish, says Mrs Hume. We must throw away one of your toys.

He's allowed to choose which one, says Butterfly primly.

Not Woody, says Fish. Woody's my favourite.

Arthur goes to the laundry. The washing machine is still not plumbed in.

He puts his wet shorts back on.

He is fed up with baby sitting..

Just going out for a bit, says Arthur.

He walks up the stone steps to the road and keeps walking. He reaches the main road and turns left.

Cockatoos screech overhead. He comes to a church. The Reformed Gospel Church. Next to the church is a coffee shop, and next to the coffee shop is a supermarket.

A crowd of young people are outside the coffee shop, drinking coffee.

Hello, says Arthur. Is that proper coffee?

Sure is, says one of the young people. Would you like one? It's free.

Yes, says Arthur.

Your shorts are wet, says the person, whose name, she informs him, is Bunny.

It's pee, says Arthur.

Bunny is shocked.

She changes the subject.

Have you let Jesus into your life? asks Bunny.

Yes, says Arthur. He calls himself Sweezus these days. He's surfing at Middleton. I'm supposed to be
doing it with him, but instead I came here. I hope he's not mad.

Bunny edges away.

............

At Middleton, Sweezus is still on his surfboard, waiting for a wave.

There is minimal swell.  He had hoped for at least some swell magnets.

Surfing-With-Whales has given up and is standing in the shallows with Midge.

Crap surf, says Surfing-With-Whales.

The forecast is crap until Tuesday, says Midge.

Lucky Arthur, says Surfing-With -Whales. He's not here.

Sweezus rolls by on a magnet.

Bravo, says Surfing-With-Whales.

.....

Gaius and Professor Freud are staring hard at the leaf.

It IS a leaf, says Professor Freud. Do you know how I know?

No, says Gaius. How do you know?

You only find leaf insects in North Queensland, says Professor Freud.

It may be a stick insect, says Gaius.

In that case, says Freud, it would look like a stick.

I wish Arthur was here, says Gaius.

Well, well, says Freud.

What do you mean, 'well, well' ? says Gaius. It's just that Arthur is so reliable.

And I'm not? says Freud. And anyway, if Arthur is so reliable, why isn't he here?

Freud stomps away into the woods.

Gaius gets down on his knees, and pokes around in the grass, looking for phasmid eggs, which have been dropped to the ground from high foliage by female phasmids, or flicked by the abdomen to scatter them further, as has been documented in the literature on phasmid dispersal of eggs.

In The Blue Mountains

Some time has elapsed.

But not nearly as much as we think.

Here are Gaius and Professor Freud, somewhere inland from Middleton, peering into the bushes.

Heard from Arthur at all? says Professor Freud, poking a leaf with his stick.

Yes, yes, says Gaius. I believe Arthur is finding his baby sitting duties somewhat onerous.

Ha ha! says Professor Freud. He regrets going, I knew it!

Stop poking! says Gaius. That isn't a leaf.

.........

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales are on their surfboards, waiting for a wave.

Midge hands her waterproof camera to Belle  et Bonne.

Hold this for a minute, she says. I need to hitch up these shorts.

She hitches up her zig zag patterned shorts that are tied up with string.

Where did you get them? asks Belle et Bonne. They're way too big.

A gift from Mrs Hume, says Midge. She expected a man.

Well, now she's got Arthur, says Belle et Bonne. I wonder how they're getting on?

........

Arthur is with Mrs Hume in Blaxland. He is getting on reasonably well with Butterfly and Fish.

Every day the children's mother and father go to work, and Arthur and Mrs Hume are in charge.

The new house has a beautiful garden. Butterfly likes to play on the swing.

Arthur! says Butterfly. Come and play on the swing.

Arthur goes down the path with Butterfly to the swing.

The swing is low. Butterfly twists the ropes tight, and lets go.

Stop me! she screams, spinning faster and faster.

Arthur thinks she will stop soon enough.

He is right. She stops with a jerk and falls off the swing backwards, hitting her head on a rock.

Waaah! cries Butterfly.

Are you bleeding? says Arthur.

Waaah! cries Butterfly again, getting up.

She doesn't appear to be bleeding.

What's happened? calls Mrs Hume, from the balcony.

Nothing, says Arthur. She just fell off the swing.

WAAAAAAH! cries Butterfly.

Bring her up here, says Mrs Hume. Fish and I are about to watch Peter Pan.

They go inside and sit on the couch

Fish sits on Arthur's knee. Butterfly sits between Arthur and Mrs Hume.

Fish loves Peter Pan, especially the pirates.  He loves it so much he forgets he needs to go to the toilet.

Arthur feels warm liquid seeping down into his shorts and between his legs into the couch.