It's night time. Janice goes to sleep in one of the bedrooms. She dreams of flying.
The Wooden Bird is finished, fashioned out of sticks, vine leaves and tendrils of butternut pumpkin. She and Lu Ban get in.
They rise and fly away towards the Pilbara.
On and on they fly, crossing various flight paths. It is not like the old days, thinks Lu Ban
Wait a minute, this dream belongs to Janice.
How does it know what Lu Ban is thinking?
Lu Ban, too, has gone to sleep in one of the bedrooms.
The same one as Janice. But he lies on the floor.
As they fly towards the Pilbara, Lu Ban tells Janice a story. The story of his first Wooden Bird. Of how he flew home secretly to visit his wife half way across China, and flew back undetected.
And Janice wonders, what is the point of the story? Because Lu Ban says nothing about the resulting baby, out of delicacy, because Janice is only thirteen.
Soon they arrive in a section of airspace above the Pilbara.
Where to now? says Lu Ban. Any ideas?
Janice consults Gaius's note book. It's there in black and white.
Marble Bar, says Janice. The Ironclad Hotel.
In dreams things generally dovetail beautifully.
The Wooden Bird lands outside the hotel....
......just as the two professors roll up in a dusty old Toyota.
The professors are astonished.
Butternut pumpkin! says Professor Wacey. Never thought I'd see that out here. Wherever they've come from, they won't be going back in a hurry.
And truly, the heat is a problem.
Lu Ban drags the Wooden Bird into the shade.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
Converging On The Pilbara
But Arthur does go out, on Gaius's bicycle, leaving Lu Ban ranting.
He'll pay for this, growls Lu Ban, biting off the head of his fifth or sixth red snake.
I think you'll find he won't, says Rosamunda. But it doesn't matter. I'll write the contract.
But who will sign it? says Lu Ban grumpily.
You, says Janice. Oh, you mean who else?
Yes little demon, says Lu Ban, heavily. My team disintegrates around me.
You can fix it, says Janice. You're the great Lu Ban, maker of the Dragon Bicycle, captain of Everlasting Dragons.
Gaius will sign it, says Rosamunda. As soon as he gets back from the Pilbara.
If he gets back, says Janice. He's gone with dad to look for three billion year old microbes.
Just three? says Lu Ban, puzzled
Three billion, silly, says Janice.
Lu Ban laughs. That Janice is a prankster.
What is this Pilbara? says Lu Ban. I shall go there.
Rosamunda looks up from the contract which she is writing on an empty page in Gaius's notebook.
You don't have time, says Rosamunda. You have commitments. There's the meeting with the premier...
Lu Ban goes where he wants to, says Lu Ban. And time is not a problem. I shall fly there. Just tell me where it is.
Ha ha, says Rosamunda. Very funny. I suppose you're thinking of that Wooden Bird. You didn't bring it.
I am the carpenter immortal, says Lu Ban. Architect, engineer, philosopher and soldier. Inventor of the cloud ladder. I can put together a Wooden Bird in no time. Who's coming with me?
Me! says Janice, forgetting that her dad is in the Pilbara.
Then she remembers that her dad is in the Pilbara.
Not me, says Janice.
Now she remembers that Arthur has gone to the Barossa. Just ridden off and left her. Selfish pig.
Yes, me after all, says Janice. Are you coming, Rosamunda?
No, says Rosamunda. I'll stay here and guard the Dragon Bicycle. This house has a broken window, remember.
It's all decided.
Lu Ban goes out the back with Janice, to build his Wooden Bird, while Rosamunda puts the finishing touches to the contract.
...........
Meanwhile, Professor Martin Van Kranendonk receives a call from Professor David Wacey.
Martin, says Professor Wacey. Have you heard from Gaius? Just asking.
No, says Professor Kranendonk. He's probably lost our numbers. He's a bit forgetful. And I don't have his. But I'm thinking I'll go up there anyway.
Rightio, says Professor Wacey. I don't have his number either. So I'll see you in Marble Bar tomorrow. Bring your umbrella.
Ha ha, says Professor Kranendonk. You mean my sunshade.
Geez, says Professor Wacey. What a time of year to be heading off up there........We must be crazy.
Yeah, says Professor Kranendonk. Rocks in our heads. See you tomorrow!
He'll pay for this, growls Lu Ban, biting off the head of his fifth or sixth red snake.
I think you'll find he won't, says Rosamunda. But it doesn't matter. I'll write the contract.
But who will sign it? says Lu Ban grumpily.
You, says Janice. Oh, you mean who else?
Yes little demon, says Lu Ban, heavily. My team disintegrates around me.
You can fix it, says Janice. You're the great Lu Ban, maker of the Dragon Bicycle, captain of Everlasting Dragons.
Gaius will sign it, says Rosamunda. As soon as he gets back from the Pilbara.
If he gets back, says Janice. He's gone with dad to look for three billion year old microbes.
Just three? says Lu Ban, puzzled
Three billion, silly, says Janice.
Lu Ban laughs. That Janice is a prankster.
What is this Pilbara? says Lu Ban. I shall go there.
Rosamunda looks up from the contract which she is writing on an empty page in Gaius's notebook.
You don't have time, says Rosamunda. You have commitments. There's the meeting with the premier...
Lu Ban goes where he wants to, says Lu Ban. And time is not a problem. I shall fly there. Just tell me where it is.
Ha ha, says Rosamunda. Very funny. I suppose you're thinking of that Wooden Bird. You didn't bring it.
I am the carpenter immortal, says Lu Ban. Architect, engineer, philosopher and soldier. Inventor of the cloud ladder. I can put together a Wooden Bird in no time. Who's coming with me?
Me! says Janice, forgetting that her dad is in the Pilbara.
Then she remembers that her dad is in the Pilbara.
Not me, says Janice.
Now she remembers that Arthur has gone to the Barossa. Just ridden off and left her. Selfish pig.
Yes, me after all, says Janice. Are you coming, Rosamunda?
No, says Rosamunda. I'll stay here and guard the Dragon Bicycle. This house has a broken window, remember.
It's all decided.
Lu Ban goes out the back with Janice, to build his Wooden Bird, while Rosamunda puts the finishing touches to the contract.
...........
Meanwhile, Professor Martin Van Kranendonk receives a call from Professor David Wacey.
Martin, says Professor Wacey. Have you heard from Gaius? Just asking.
No, says Professor Kranendonk. He's probably lost our numbers. He's a bit forgetful. And I don't have his. But I'm thinking I'll go up there anyway.
Rightio, says Professor Wacey. I don't have his number either. So I'll see you in Marble Bar tomorrow. Bring your umbrella.
Ha ha, says Professor Kranendonk. You mean my sunshade.
Geez, says Professor Wacey. What a time of year to be heading off up there........We must be crazy.
Yeah, says Professor Kranendonk. Rocks in our heads. See you tomorrow!
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Clash Of Cultures
Did you say Wu? Lu Ban asks Janice.
No, I said Woo, says Janice. It sounds the same. I was admiring how you swallow.
That's nothing, says Lu Ban. You should see me eating noodles. Rosamunda! Are there any noodles?
Rosamunda looks in the pantry.
Gaius doesn't eat noodles, says Arthur.
Arthur eyes Lu Ban. Look at him sitting there asking for noodles. Next he'll be sending someone out to buy a packet.
But Lu Ban is happy just to sit and eat red snakes with Janice.
Who's going to be the captain? says Janice, staring deeply into Lu Ban's eyes. You or Arthur?
Not me, says Arthur. I've never been the captain. It's Gaius.
It's me, says Lu Ban. It's in my contract.
Arthur, says Rosamunda, have you written up the contract?
No, says Arthur. What does he want in it?
The captaincy, and team naming rights, says Rosamunda. The team is to be called Everlasting Dragons. And.....
And....? says Arthur.
I must wear the yellow jersey, says Lu Ban.
Arthur snorts with ill-concealed derision.
That doesn't need to be written into the contract!
Write it! says Lu Ban.
No, says Arthur. It's ridiculous. Whoever wins wears the yellow jersey.
That will be me, says Lu Ban. No doubt about it. Write it in.
Arthur opens a drawer. He looks for a piece of paper. Ah! a notebook.
He flicks it open. It's full of notes about stromatolites and wavy laminates. A name, and some addresses.
Professor David Wacey, University of WA. Professor Martin Van Kranendonk. The Ironclad Hotel, Marble Bar....
Some dates, some telephone numbers.
Gaius must have forgotten his notebook. What a chump.
The phone rings.
Will it be Gaius? No, it's Sweezus.
Arthur, man! says Sweezus. Want to ride out to the Barossa? We can practice Mengler's Hill. And then get wasted.
Sure, says Arthur. Count me in. I'll be there in ten minutes.
He heads for the door.
Where do you think you're going? roars Lu Ban.
Out, says Arthur.
Total obedience, says Lu Ban. Strict discipline. Team secrecy. You don't go out.
No, I said Woo, says Janice. It sounds the same. I was admiring how you swallow.
That's nothing, says Lu Ban. You should see me eating noodles. Rosamunda! Are there any noodles?
Rosamunda looks in the pantry.
Gaius doesn't eat noodles, says Arthur.
Arthur eyes Lu Ban. Look at him sitting there asking for noodles. Next he'll be sending someone out to buy a packet.
But Lu Ban is happy just to sit and eat red snakes with Janice.
Who's going to be the captain? says Janice, staring deeply into Lu Ban's eyes. You or Arthur?
Not me, says Arthur. I've never been the captain. It's Gaius.
It's me, says Lu Ban. It's in my contract.
Arthur, says Rosamunda, have you written up the contract?
No, says Arthur. What does he want in it?
The captaincy, and team naming rights, says Rosamunda. The team is to be called Everlasting Dragons. And.....
And....? says Arthur.
I must wear the yellow jersey, says Lu Ban.
Arthur snorts with ill-concealed derision.
That doesn't need to be written into the contract!
Write it! says Lu Ban.
No, says Arthur. It's ridiculous. Whoever wins wears the yellow jersey.
That will be me, says Lu Ban. No doubt about it. Write it in.
Arthur opens a drawer. He looks for a piece of paper. Ah! a notebook.
He flicks it open. It's full of notes about stromatolites and wavy laminates. A name, and some addresses.
Professor David Wacey, University of WA. Professor Martin Van Kranendonk. The Ironclad Hotel, Marble Bar....
Some dates, some telephone numbers.
Gaius must have forgotten his notebook. What a chump.
The phone rings.
Will it be Gaius? No, it's Sweezus.
Arthur, man! says Sweezus. Want to ride out to the Barossa? We can practice Mengler's Hill. And then get wasted.
Sure, says Arthur. Count me in. I'll be there in ten minutes.
He heads for the door.
Where do you think you're going? roars Lu Ban.
Out, says Arthur.
Total obedience, says Lu Ban. Strict discipline. Team secrecy. You don't go out.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
A Requirement Of Total Obedience
Vello and David come into the office just as Belle is explaining to Sweezus that Lu Ban cannot be a Samurai.
He's Chinese, says Belle et Bonne . Only Japanese can be Samurai. I thought you'd know that.
What's this about Samurai? says Vello cheerfully.
Nothing apparently, says Sweezus, But we're dead meat all the same.
We've just seen Lu Ban's new bicycle, papa, says Belle et Bonne. He brought it in here.
Vello's eyes light up. You've seen it?
Yeah, we've seen it, says Sweezus. He'll kill us.
We don't know that, says Belle et Bonne.
There's a rule of law in this country, says David.
Exactly, says Vello. Now, spill the beans.
Dragon's head incorporated into the frame, says Sweezus, all technically aerodynamic. Weapons packed inside. You can see 'em.
Extraordinary! says David. Weapons? He'll be disqualified.
Depends, says Vello. Are they real, or are they some sort of Chinese illusion?
Real as, says Sweezus.
Are you certain? says David. Do you have empirical evidence?
A button that mustn't be pressed, says Belle et Bonne. We heard him tell Janice not to.
He told Janice not to? says Vello.
Silence. Everyone has the same thought.
...........
Arthur, Rosamunda, Lu Ban and Janice have arrived at Gaius's house.
Arthur goes round the back.
Tinkle, tinkle. Sounds like glass breaking.
He opens the front door.
Nice red bow, says Lu Ban admiring the red velvet bow on the door.
Funny old Gaius, says Rosamunda. So this is his house?
Yes, says Arthur. Make yourselves at home.
Lu Ban wheels the dragon bicycle gingerly down the passage into the kitchen, with Janice still on it.
Janice is fingering something.
Slap!
Don't touch! says Lu Ban.
Arthur turns round.
The button, says Lu Ban. No one touches the button.
I wasn't, says Janice.
You were, says Lu Ban.
What does the button do? whispers Arthur to Rosamunda.
I can't tell you, whispers Rosamunda. But you can only do it once.
Isn't that a design flaw? whispers Arthur.
Lu Ban requires total obedience, says Rosamunda. So it isn't.
Arthur thinks about total obedience, as required by Lu Ban.
Let him require it.
Lu Ban sits down at the table.
What's to eat? says Lu Ban.
Arthur opens the fridge.
Cheese, says Arthur.
I never eat cheese, says Lu Ban.
I've got red snakes, says Janice. Want one?
Thank you, little demon, says Lu Ban, taking a snake, throwing back his head, and swallowing it whole in one movement.
Woo, says Janice.
He's Chinese, says Belle et Bonne . Only Japanese can be Samurai. I thought you'd know that.
What's this about Samurai? says Vello cheerfully.
Nothing apparently, says Sweezus, But we're dead meat all the same.
We've just seen Lu Ban's new bicycle, papa, says Belle et Bonne. He brought it in here.
Vello's eyes light up. You've seen it?
Yeah, we've seen it, says Sweezus. He'll kill us.
We don't know that, says Belle et Bonne.
There's a rule of law in this country, says David.
Exactly, says Vello. Now, spill the beans.
Dragon's head incorporated into the frame, says Sweezus, all technically aerodynamic. Weapons packed inside. You can see 'em.
Extraordinary! says David. Weapons? He'll be disqualified.
Depends, says Vello. Are they real, or are they some sort of Chinese illusion?
Real as, says Sweezus.
Are you certain? says David. Do you have empirical evidence?
A button that mustn't be pressed, says Belle et Bonne. We heard him tell Janice not to.
He told Janice not to? says Vello.
Silence. Everyone has the same thought.
...........
Arthur, Rosamunda, Lu Ban and Janice have arrived at Gaius's house.
Arthur goes round the back.
Tinkle, tinkle. Sounds like glass breaking.
He opens the front door.
Nice red bow, says Lu Ban admiring the red velvet bow on the door.
Funny old Gaius, says Rosamunda. So this is his house?
Yes, says Arthur. Make yourselves at home.
Lu Ban wheels the dragon bicycle gingerly down the passage into the kitchen, with Janice still on it.
Janice is fingering something.
Slap!
Don't touch! says Lu Ban.
Arthur turns round.
The button, says Lu Ban. No one touches the button.
I wasn't, says Janice.
You were, says Lu Ban.
What does the button do? whispers Arthur to Rosamunda.
I can't tell you, whispers Rosamunda. But you can only do it once.
Isn't that a design flaw? whispers Arthur.
Lu Ban requires total obedience, says Rosamunda. So it isn't.
Arthur thinks about total obedience, as required by Lu Ban.
Let him require it.
Lu Ban sits down at the table.
What's to eat? says Lu Ban.
Arthur opens the fridge.
Cheese, says Arthur.
I never eat cheese, says Lu Ban.
I've got red snakes, says Janice. Want one?
Thank you, little demon, says Lu Ban, taking a snake, throwing back his head, and swallowing it whole in one movement.
Woo, says Janice.
Friday, January 3, 2014
A Freakin' Samurai
Gaius and Big Janis are flying to Port Hedland.
Doubts beset Gaius. It has all been a bit of a rush.
He takes out his notebook. Nothing in it. Oh no. He's packed the wrong one.
What's up? says Big Janis. You look like you swallowed a blowfly.
I should have brought Arthur, says Gaius. He would have packed the right notebook.
This is patent nonsense. But Big Janis is not to know that. He is hurt.
Arthur has to practice his cycling, says Big Janis. I would have packed the right notebook, if I knew which one it was. What was in it?
My notes about laminates and stromatolites, says Gaius. And the name of my contact, Professor Someone.... or was it Associate Professor Someone......? Oh dear....
We landscape gardeners know all about laminates and stromatolites, says Big Janis. Don't worry.
This is not what Gaius wants to hear.
...........
Arthur, Sweezus, Belle and Janice are in the Velosophy office, eating crackers and cheese.
There is a knock on the door.
Come in, says Belle et Bonne. The door's open.
Surprise! In comes Rosamunda, with Lu Ban, who is wheeling a bike.
And what a bike! Nothing like the original prototype. Lu Ban has excelled himself here. The head of the dragon has been cunningly incorporated into the frame of the bicycle, which is transparent, revealing dangerous weaponry fitted snugly inside .
What do you think? says Rosamunda. Isn't this the best bicycle ever? Meet our new captain, Lu Ban.
So this is Lu Ban, says Belle et Bonne. Hello Lu Ban, we've heard so much about you. But really, you shouldn't be here. At least, not with that bicycle.
Lu Ban looks astonished.
They're our rivals, says Arthur. This is their office.
Lu Ban understands English, as anyone does, who is immortal.
His brow darkens. He will now have to kill certain people.
Which ones are the rivals? says Lu Ban.
Me, says Sweezus. I'm in Team Philosophe. And Belle here, her dad Vello's the captain.
I'm adopted, says Belle et Bonne quickly.
This means little to Lu Ban. She will have to go too. .
Sorry, says Rosamunda. Didn't realise. Arthur, where's our team headquarters?
Arthur supposes it must be Gaius's house. He doesn't have the key, but that won't be a problem.
Come with me, says Arthur.
And me, says Janice.
No, not you, says Arthur.
Then my life's in danger, says Janice.
Come little one, says Lu Ban. Lu Ban loves children. You can have a piggy ride on my bicycle. Just don't touch that button.
Sweezus looks at Belle significantly. A button that mustn't be touched!.
Lu Ban lifts Janice onto the dragon seat of the dragon bicycle. A red ribbon dangles behind. He wheels Janice to the door.
Janice! says Belle et Bonne.
What? says Janice, disappearing.
I'll call you, shouts Belle et Bonne, to the air.....
Woah, heavy, says Sweezus, taking a handful of crackers. What happens now? That guy's a freakin' SAMURAI and we've spied on his secret dragon bicycle. We're dead meat.
Doubts beset Gaius. It has all been a bit of a rush.
He takes out his notebook. Nothing in it. Oh no. He's packed the wrong one.
What's up? says Big Janis. You look like you swallowed a blowfly.
I should have brought Arthur, says Gaius. He would have packed the right notebook.
This is patent nonsense. But Big Janis is not to know that. He is hurt.
Arthur has to practice his cycling, says Big Janis. I would have packed the right notebook, if I knew which one it was. What was in it?
My notes about laminates and stromatolites, says Gaius. And the name of my contact, Professor Someone.... or was it Associate Professor Someone......? Oh dear....
We landscape gardeners know all about laminates and stromatolites, says Big Janis. Don't worry.
This is not what Gaius wants to hear.
...........
Arthur, Sweezus, Belle and Janice are in the Velosophy office, eating crackers and cheese.
There is a knock on the door.
Come in, says Belle et Bonne. The door's open.
Surprise! In comes Rosamunda, with Lu Ban, who is wheeling a bike.
And what a bike! Nothing like the original prototype. Lu Ban has excelled himself here. The head of the dragon has been cunningly incorporated into the frame of the bicycle, which is transparent, revealing dangerous weaponry fitted snugly inside .
What do you think? says Rosamunda. Isn't this the best bicycle ever? Meet our new captain, Lu Ban.
So this is Lu Ban, says Belle et Bonne. Hello Lu Ban, we've heard so much about you. But really, you shouldn't be here. At least, not with that bicycle.
Lu Ban looks astonished.
They're our rivals, says Arthur. This is their office.
Lu Ban understands English, as anyone does, who is immortal.
His brow darkens. He will now have to kill certain people.
Which ones are the rivals? says Lu Ban.
Me, says Sweezus. I'm in Team Philosophe. And Belle here, her dad Vello's the captain.
I'm adopted, says Belle et Bonne quickly.
This means little to Lu Ban. She will have to go too. .
Sorry, says Rosamunda. Didn't realise. Arthur, where's our team headquarters?
Arthur supposes it must be Gaius's house. He doesn't have the key, but that won't be a problem.
Come with me, says Arthur.
And me, says Janice.
No, not you, says Arthur.
Then my life's in danger, says Janice.
Come little one, says Lu Ban. Lu Ban loves children. You can have a piggy ride on my bicycle. Just don't touch that button.
Sweezus looks at Belle significantly. A button that mustn't be touched!.
Lu Ban lifts Janice onto the dragon seat of the dragon bicycle. A red ribbon dangles behind. He wheels Janice to the door.
Janice! says Belle et Bonne.
What? says Janice, disappearing.
I'll call you, shouts Belle et Bonne, to the air.....
Woah, heavy, says Sweezus, taking a handful of crackers. What happens now? That guy's a freakin' SAMURAI and we've spied on his secret dragon bicycle. We're dead meat.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
What Sweet Tender Ankles
Janice and Shifty are getting on famously. But it's time to go. Shifty is hungry.
Janice stands up in the water.
Oh what sweet tender ankles. It is almost more than an ethical shark can resist.
Quick Shifty, get going. Look there's a surfer out there!
With a flick of his tail he is off.
Janice has no idea how nearly she has been eaten.
She walks back to her dad and the others, dripping drops of clear salty water on the sand.......
........
They are getting ready to go.
Packing empty containers back into Belle et Bonne's picnic basket.
Hi Dad, says Janice. I was floating.
Good on you, says Big Janis. That's my girl.
What's wrong Dad? says Janice.
He's got something to tell you, says Arthur.
Let him tell me, says Janice.
How would you feel about going to Western Australia? says Big Janice. It would be like a holiday.
Is Arthur coming? says Janice.
No, says Arthur. I've got the Tour. I've got to practice.
I'm not going, says Janice.
You'll come if I.....begins Big Janis.
Your daddy is coming with me to the Pilbara, says Gaius. Of course, if you don't wish to come....
PILBARA! shouts Janice. Dad, you can't go there!
It's an opportunity, sweetheart, says Big Janis. Gaius here wants a right hand man. And I'm qualified.
You're a landscape gardener, says Janice.
I know a lot about rocks, says Big Janis.
Janice can stay here with us, says Belle et Bonne. Until you come back. We'll look after her. You'd like that wouldn't you, Janice?
Janice looks smugly at Arthur.
Arthur examines his toe.
Why's Gaius going? says Janice. I thought he was a team captain.
We'll be back before the 19th, says Gaius. A flying visit.
Of course you will, says Belle et Bonne, picking up her basket. Well, is everything settled?
Yes! says Janice. Hurrah! I'm staying, Dad's going, Arthur's.....angry! What could be nicer?
You're funny, says Sweezus, who has been lying on the sand snoozing, and has just woken up. Why's it nice Arthur's angry?
That's between him and me, says Janice.
I see trouble, says Sweezus.
You can't say he isn't observant.
Janice stands up in the water.
Oh what sweet tender ankles. It is almost more than an ethical shark can resist.
Quick Shifty, get going. Look there's a surfer out there!
With a flick of his tail he is off.
Janice has no idea how nearly she has been eaten.
She walks back to her dad and the others, dripping drops of clear salty water on the sand.......
........
They are getting ready to go.
Packing empty containers back into Belle et Bonne's picnic basket.
Hi Dad, says Janice. I was floating.
Good on you, says Big Janis. That's my girl.
What's wrong Dad? says Janice.
He's got something to tell you, says Arthur.
Let him tell me, says Janice.
How would you feel about going to Western Australia? says Big Janice. It would be like a holiday.
Is Arthur coming? says Janice.
No, says Arthur. I've got the Tour. I've got to practice.
I'm not going, says Janice.
You'll come if I.....begins Big Janis.
Your daddy is coming with me to the Pilbara, says Gaius. Of course, if you don't wish to come....
PILBARA! shouts Janice. Dad, you can't go there!
It's an opportunity, sweetheart, says Big Janis. Gaius here wants a right hand man. And I'm qualified.
You're a landscape gardener, says Janice.
I know a lot about rocks, says Big Janis.
Janice can stay here with us, says Belle et Bonne. Until you come back. We'll look after her. You'd like that wouldn't you, Janice?
Janice looks smugly at Arthur.
Arthur examines his toe.
Why's Gaius going? says Janice. I thought he was a team captain.
We'll be back before the 19th, says Gaius. A flying visit.
Of course you will, says Belle et Bonne, picking up her basket. Well, is everything settled?
Yes! says Janice. Hurrah! I'm staying, Dad's going, Arthur's.....angry! What could be nicer?
You're funny, says Sweezus, who has been lying on the sand snoozing, and has just woken up. Why's it nice Arthur's angry?
That's between him and me, says Janice.
I see trouble, says Sweezus.
You can't say he isn't observant.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Advantages Of Mistaking A Shark For A Dolphin
Arthur and Sweezus leave the water and head back to the others, forgetting that Janice is missing.
They trudge along the sand, towards Henley. Arthur's toe has nearly stopped bleeding.
That shark, says Sweezus. What a killer!
You'd have to wonder where he got his jokes from, says Arthur.
Yeah, says Sweezus, no stand-up in the sea.
This strikes Sweezus as funny. No stand up in the sea. Hee hee! Slurp!
Now the absinthe bottle is empty.
They see Gaius, Big Janis and Belle et Bonne, sitting on towels. Belle is waving.
What happened to Janice? says Belle. She followed you.
Eaten by a shark, says Arthur.
Big Janis looks concerned.
Only joking, says Sweezus. You'll never guess who we've just been talking to......
Don't joke about things like that, says Belle et Bonne. Where is she?
They all turn and stare up the beach.
.............
The shark does several twirls in the water.
How pretty the patterns of blood. What an opportunity he missed by starting that fool conversation. And they didn't even get the second joke until he explained it. Is he losing his comedic touch?
He spies a small figure in the distance, boring through the water, splash splash, in a little green swimsuit, and a blue pointy hat.
Now, Shifty, don't blow it this time.
He speeds up, and is soon behind Janice. He opens his jaws.
Janice hasn't yet seen him. Splash splash. She is tiring. Time for a float.
Janice stops and rolls over in the water, floating like a green lettuce, looking up at the sky.
From the corner of her green demon eye she sees Shifty.
A DOLPHIN! says Janice. Come here!
I'm no DOLPHIN! growls Shifty.
I think I can recognise a dolphin, says Janice. You're a dolphin.
And you are an ignorant human, says Shifty.
Float with me, says Janice. Look at the sky. There's a vapour trail. Isn't it pretty. Did you know it's just another form of cloud?
Rubbish, says Shifty. It's pollution, that's what it is.
No it isn't, says Janice. Just cloud. That's what Dad says.
I suppose it was Dad that taught you how to spot a dolphin, says Shifty.
Yes it was, says Janice. By its fin.
Huuuuh! sighs Shifty. I give up. Want to hear a joke?
Yes please, says Janice.
You might not get it, says Shifty. My jokes are science based.
Woo! says Janice. I like science. Try me.
All right, says Shifty. Why did Schroedinger, Dirac and Pauli work in very small garages?
Because they were quantum mechanics, says Janice.
You've heard it! says Shifty.
No, I just worked it out, says Janice. Here's one for you. A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: Is that stool taken?
That's disgusting, says Shifty.
Yes, giggles Janice. I know.
They trudge along the sand, towards Henley. Arthur's toe has nearly stopped bleeding.
That shark, says Sweezus. What a killer!
You'd have to wonder where he got his jokes from, says Arthur.
Yeah, says Sweezus, no stand-up in the sea.
This strikes Sweezus as funny. No stand up in the sea. Hee hee! Slurp!
Now the absinthe bottle is empty.
They see Gaius, Big Janis and Belle et Bonne, sitting on towels. Belle is waving.
What happened to Janice? says Belle. She followed you.
Eaten by a shark, says Arthur.
Big Janis looks concerned.
Only joking, says Sweezus. You'll never guess who we've just been talking to......
Don't joke about things like that, says Belle et Bonne. Where is she?
They all turn and stare up the beach.
.............
The shark does several twirls in the water.
How pretty the patterns of blood. What an opportunity he missed by starting that fool conversation. And they didn't even get the second joke until he explained it. Is he losing his comedic touch?
He spies a small figure in the distance, boring through the water, splash splash, in a little green swimsuit, and a blue pointy hat.
Now, Shifty, don't blow it this time.
He speeds up, and is soon behind Janice. He opens his jaws.
Janice hasn't yet seen him. Splash splash. She is tiring. Time for a float.
Janice stops and rolls over in the water, floating like a green lettuce, looking up at the sky.
From the corner of her green demon eye she sees Shifty.
A DOLPHIN! says Janice. Come here!
I'm no DOLPHIN! growls Shifty.
I think I can recognise a dolphin, says Janice. You're a dolphin.
And you are an ignorant human, says Shifty.
Float with me, says Janice. Look at the sky. There's a vapour trail. Isn't it pretty. Did you know it's just another form of cloud?
Rubbish, says Shifty. It's pollution, that's what it is.
No it isn't, says Janice. Just cloud. That's what Dad says.
I suppose it was Dad that taught you how to spot a dolphin, says Shifty.
Yes it was, says Janice. By its fin.
Huuuuh! sighs Shifty. I give up. Want to hear a joke?
Yes please, says Janice.
You might not get it, says Shifty. My jokes are science based.
Woo! says Janice. I like science. Try me.
All right, says Shifty. Why did Schroedinger, Dirac and Pauli work in very small garages?
Because they were quantum mechanics, says Janice.
You've heard it! says Shifty.
No, I just worked it out, says Janice. Here's one for you. A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: Is that stool taken?
That's disgusting, says Shifty.
Yes, giggles Janice. I know.
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