I wonder if Jesus will pop round and see us this Easter? said Pliny the Elder. Do you remember how he came to dinner last year and multiplied the Brussels sprouts?
He didn't multiply them, Pliny, he divided them. But yes, of course I remember. He was very nice, and I remember you and he got on pretty well. I hope he does come round. I want to ask him if he's started keeping a diary.
Just then there was a knock at the front door.
Knock! Knock!
I opened it. There was Jesus, on a bicycle.
I was passing, he said, and thought I'd drop in.
Gosh! I said. I'm surprised to see you. Aren't you awfully busy at this time of year?
Au contraire! said Jesus. I always like to keep a low profile at Easter.
Come in, I said, but would you mind wheeling your bicycle round the side of the house to the back. We already have one bicycle in the dining room.
Certainly, said Jesus. ( Did I mention he was nice ? )
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Pliny's Haiku
Pliny the Elder is looking as though he hasn't had much sleep.
Good morning Pliny? I say. How's the Haiku coming along?
It's more difficult than I expected, he answers wearily. I have made multiple attempts to better your Haiku.
Read them out, I say, encouragingly.
Alright, here is my first attempt:
the sign on the path
reads no boats allowed in the yellow areas
which is amusing
Pliny! that's no good. You don't say why it's amusing, and no one would guess.
I know, says Pliny. I told you it was my first attempt. Here is my second:
surely this sign
would be better directed
at boats ?
Hmm. That doesn't do it either, Pliny. You don't explain what the sign says.
True, says Pliny. But stay with me. I'm just letting you in on the creative process. Here is my third attempt:
what is the point
of facing a sign directed at vessels
inland?
That's a bit better, but it doesn't sound very poetic, and it still leaves out a lot. What the sign says, what colour it is.....
Exactly, says Pliny. I came to the realization late last night that English is not the best language for Haiku. And since I am unfamiliar with Japanese, I decided to write one in Latin. I think you will agree that I have succeeded rather well.
Go on.
Pliny stands up and declaims in his best Roman style:
naves non licet ( boats not allowed )
in regione flava ( in the yellow area )
non ante naves ( not facing the boats )
I am silent.
Why are you silent?
I'm silent with admiration Pliny. That is so Japanese! You've got everything in. It's mind-boggling. You've even got the correct number of syllables!
Yes, says, Pliny. I know. Thank you.
Good morning Pliny? I say. How's the Haiku coming along?
It's more difficult than I expected, he answers wearily. I have made multiple attempts to better your Haiku.
Read them out, I say, encouragingly.
Alright, here is my first attempt:
the sign on the path
reads no boats allowed in the yellow areas
which is amusing
Pliny! that's no good. You don't say why it's amusing, and no one would guess.
I know, says Pliny. I told you it was my first attempt. Here is my second:
surely this sign
would be better directed
at boats ?
Hmm. That doesn't do it either, Pliny. You don't explain what the sign says.
True, says Pliny. But stay with me. I'm just letting you in on the creative process. Here is my third attempt:
what is the point
of facing a sign directed at vessels
inland?
That's a bit better, but it doesn't sound very poetic, and it still leaves out a lot. What the sign says, what colour it is.....
Exactly, says Pliny. I came to the realization late last night that English is not the best language for Haiku. And since I am unfamiliar with Japanese, I decided to write one in Latin. I think you will agree that I have succeeded rather well.
Go on.
Pliny stands up and declaims in his best Roman style:
naves non licet ( boats not allowed )
in regione flava ( in the yellow area )
non ante naves ( not facing the boats )
I am silent.
Why are you silent?
I'm silent with admiration Pliny. That is so Japanese! You've got everything in. It's mind-boggling. You've even got the correct number of syllables!
Yes, says, Pliny. I know. Thank you.
Monday, March 29, 2010
No Vessels Allowed
I don't know much about Haiku, observed Pliny the Elder, but I do feel that ' no vessels allowed in the areas marked in yellow ' is not a good example of the genre.
Well I don't know much about them either, I said. That is why I was able to turn out so many in such a short time. However I disagree with you about ' no vessels allowed'. I think it encapsulates exquisitely the sensation of reading a sign beside a path at the beach.
Only because that is exactly what it is, said Pliny. You haven't transformed it in any way.
No, I haven't, I agreed. Because with Haiku you only get three lines. And that is very restricting.
In Japanese the form is even more restrictive. The first line must have 5 syllables, the second line 7 and the third line 5. In English we allow ourselves a bit more freedom. The first line must be short, the second long, and the third line short. Nevertheless, there wasn't much room to tell the story of the sign.
The story?
Yes, I would have liked to make it clearer that the sign was facing the footpath, so no one on a vessel could have seen it, which was obviously quite funny.
Funny? You didn't make that clear at all. Perhaps if you had tried a little harder?
I don't think so. But I don't think anyone else could have done better.
I believe I could, said Pliny. Yes, I shall rise to the challenge.
Well I don't know much about them either, I said. That is why I was able to turn out so many in such a short time. However I disagree with you about ' no vessels allowed'. I think it encapsulates exquisitely the sensation of reading a sign beside a path at the beach.
Only because that is exactly what it is, said Pliny. You haven't transformed it in any way.
No, I haven't, I agreed. Because with Haiku you only get three lines. And that is very restricting.
In Japanese the form is even more restrictive. The first line must have 5 syllables, the second line 7 and the third line 5. In English we allow ourselves a bit more freedom. The first line must be short, the second long, and the third line short. Nevertheless, there wasn't much room to tell the story of the sign.
The story?
Yes, I would have liked to make it clearer that the sign was facing the footpath, so no one on a vessel could have seen it, which was obviously quite funny.
Funny? You didn't make that clear at all. Perhaps if you had tried a little harder?
I don't think so. But I don't think anyone else could have done better.
I believe I could, said Pliny. Yes, I shall rise to the challenge.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Haiku for Damp Seascape
at the outlet
on heavy sandbags, willie wagtails
pick at the scum
three figures
emerge from the sea
under the jetty
the rain turns the sand
grim beige and blackens
the stalks
ropey couch grass
takes on a sickly shade
of green
the salt bush
shines like silver
in the rain
the distant hills
bounce down the sky
to a sunless sea
no vessels allowed
in the areas marked
in yellow
a wet umbrella
shared aloft between two
my arm aches
on heavy sandbags, willie wagtails
pick at the scum
three figures
emerge from the sea
under the jetty
the rain turns the sand
grim beige and blackens
the stalks
ropey couch grass
takes on a sickly shade
of green
the salt bush
shines like silver
in the rain
the distant hills
bounce down the sky
to a sunless sea
no vessels allowed
in the areas marked
in yellow
a wet umbrella
shared aloft between two
my arm aches
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Irene Adler
Pliny the Elder is offended.
Of course I understand that the woman the old man sees is you, he says. That is clear enough. But my question is, who did he imagine you to be?
Oh I see, I say. Sorry Pliny. I thought you were a big fan of Sherlock Holmes. Surely you remember Irene Adler?
Pliny's face lights up. Irene Adler! The only woman ever to have outwitted Sherlock Holmes!
Yes Pliny. Irene Adler, of dubious and questionable memory. The woman Sherlock Holmes admired most. The woman he referred to ever after as The Woman.
An honour, says Pliny, for Holmes was not a whole-souled admirer of womankind.
Oh, you do know your Sherlock Holmes after all! Do you remember what the King of Bohemia was supposed to have said of Irene Adler?
That she had the face of the most beautiful of women and the mind of the most resolute of men.
Yes, and that's who the old man thought I was.
This is where I begin to have a problem, says Pliny.
Of course I understand that the woman the old man sees is you, he says. That is clear enough. But my question is, who did he imagine you to be?
Oh I see, I say. Sorry Pliny. I thought you were a big fan of Sherlock Holmes. Surely you remember Irene Adler?
Pliny's face lights up. Irene Adler! The only woman ever to have outwitted Sherlock Holmes!
Yes Pliny. Irene Adler, of dubious and questionable memory. The woman Sherlock Holmes admired most. The woman he referred to ever after as The Woman.
An honour, says Pliny, for Holmes was not a whole-souled admirer of womankind.
Oh, you do know your Sherlock Holmes after all! Do you remember what the King of Bohemia was supposed to have said of Irene Adler?
That she had the face of the most beautiful of women and the mind of the most resolute of men.
Yes, and that's who the old man thought I was.
This is where I begin to have a problem, says Pliny.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Mysterious Encounter - Part 3
Here we are now, I say to Pliny. This is the third poem, which I wrote a week later on the 20th of June 2009. Pliny? Are you listening?
Yes, says Pliny. I am listening.
I read aloud:
The Continuing Adventure of Old Mr Sherlock Holmes.
I saw him again last night
In the same dark place,
But I had misremembered Toby,
Who was brown, with a black face.
The old man was the same
Slow, twisted and lame.
I spoke to him this time: Hello! Perhaps too loud.
He turned towards me,
Straining to see,
And bowed.
Hah! says Pliny, that still doesn't prove.......
Wait, I reply. There is a second part.
A second part! Are you by any chance stringing me along?
No, certainly not. There is a second part, with a separate title. Pay attention, because it contains a revelation:
Old Mr. Holmes Muses by the Fire.
You know Toby old chap,
Sometimes I think I see
On winter evenings,
Walking,
The woman, and even he.
Tonight I was almost sure
I heard her voice
Say Good evening Holmes, to me.
I strained my eyes
But nothing palpable
Could I see.
And you Toby,
Seemed to be
Sniffing around the wrong tree.
Remarkable! says Pliny. I am impressed. This does indeed seem to prove that he was Sherlock Holmes. But who is the woman?
Pliny! I say, crossly, haven't you understood anything?
Yes, says Pliny. I am listening.
I read aloud:
The Continuing Adventure of Old Mr Sherlock Holmes.
I saw him again last night
In the same dark place,
But I had misremembered Toby,
Who was brown, with a black face.
The old man was the same
Slow, twisted and lame.
I spoke to him this time: Hello! Perhaps too loud.
He turned towards me,
Straining to see,
And bowed.
Hah! says Pliny, that still doesn't prove.......
Wait, I reply. There is a second part.
A second part! Are you by any chance stringing me along?
No, certainly not. There is a second part, with a separate title. Pay attention, because it contains a revelation:
Old Mr. Holmes Muses by the Fire.
You know Toby old chap,
Sometimes I think I see
On winter evenings,
Walking,
The woman, and even he.
Tonight I was almost sure
I heard her voice
Say Good evening Holmes, to me.
I strained my eyes
But nothing palpable
Could I see.
And you Toby,
Seemed to be
Sniffing around the wrong tree.
Remarkable! says Pliny. I am impressed. This does indeed seem to prove that he was Sherlock Holmes. But who is the woman?
Pliny! I say, crossly, haven't you understood anything?
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Mysterious Encounter - Part 2
Read me the second poem, says Pliny the Elder. I am all ears.
Alright. I say. It's called "Sequel". And listen out for the interesting rhyme scheme.
I turn the page, and begin to read:
Sequel.
I think I know now what that vision meant,
The old man last night, stooped and bent,
His Toby dog, their singular intent,
Looking for clues in dead leaves as they went
Unseeing us.
It was an intimation of a lagging universe
In parallel with ours, behind, but nothing worse.
Was he the shade of Sherlock Holmes living out the curse
Of the evil Professor Moriarty, or the reverse,
Whatever that might be?
Yes I know that Holmes and Moriarty fell in thrall
Locked in murderous embrace down Reichenbach fall.
But what was it that prompted me to call
His dog Toby when I didn't know at all
That was his name?
Whose name? scoffs Pliny.
Sherlock Holmes' dog of course.
So you heard the old man call his dog Toby?
No. I described the dog as a Toby dog in "Dog", before I knew it was the name of Sherlock Holmes' dog. A coincidence too unlikely to ignore.
How is it that you knew about Professor Moriarty and the Reichenbach falls, but you didn't know
that Holmes' dog was called Toby?
How is it that you are being so irritating? Anyone would think that you were Sherlock Holmes himself. If you must know, I did some research after I got home.
And then you made the whole thing up, about who he was.
Yes, at this stage I suppose you could say so. But you have not heard poem number three, where I see him again, and he sees me.
Alright. I say. It's called "Sequel". And listen out for the interesting rhyme scheme.
I turn the page, and begin to read:
Sequel.
I think I know now what that vision meant,
The old man last night, stooped and bent,
His Toby dog, their singular intent,
Looking for clues in dead leaves as they went
Unseeing us.
It was an intimation of a lagging universe
In parallel with ours, behind, but nothing worse.
Was he the shade of Sherlock Holmes living out the curse
Of the evil Professor Moriarty, or the reverse,
Whatever that might be?
Yes I know that Holmes and Moriarty fell in thrall
Locked in murderous embrace down Reichenbach fall.
But what was it that prompted me to call
His dog Toby when I didn't know at all
That was his name?
Whose name? scoffs Pliny.
Sherlock Holmes' dog of course.
So you heard the old man call his dog Toby?
No. I described the dog as a Toby dog in "Dog", before I knew it was the name of Sherlock Holmes' dog. A coincidence too unlikely to ignore.
How is it that you knew about Professor Moriarty and the Reichenbach falls, but you didn't know
that Holmes' dog was called Toby?
How is it that you are being so irritating? Anyone would think that you were Sherlock Holmes himself. If you must know, I did some research after I got home.
And then you made the whole thing up, about who he was.
Yes, at this stage I suppose you could say so. But you have not heard poem number three, where I see him again, and he sees me.
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