The Illuminated Tree

Terence's Coconut Song goes like this:

Losers! It's me!

I was the Earthquake, 

Now I'm the Coconut Horses!

(He cracks the coconut halves together).

Ba-da-bum, ba-da-bum.

See?

(He shows the insides of the coconuts).

Horses' feet!  Galloping away!

With Sweezus and Belle riding on them

And a lobster with a pebble tied to his bottom

Next to his bumhole!

This is the end of the show!

Goodbye losers!

(He dances off, behind the flimsy curtain).

The whole cast emerges (including Vello, who has left the irritating person).

They bow.

David steps forward.

Thank you for coming, everyone. Don't forget your free packet of seeds on your way out!

Cheers! Applause. A rush for the free seeds.

Arthur is holding the box.

Hey, says someone, taking a paper cone packet. Aren't you supposed to be Costa?

Yeah? says the person behind him. That's what the guy who gave me the flyer said. Costa.

I played Costa last year, says Arthur. This year I played the Sailor and the Grand Inquisitor.

Why wasn't Costa in it? asks the first person.

Different excerpt, says Arthur. We never do the whole story.

What are these seeds? asks a third person.

Agapanthus, says Arthur.

Are they native? asks the third person.

No, says Arthur. Lily of the Nile. A popular fast grower. Good for footpaths.

Thanks, says the third person. What's this writing on the paper?

Scribblings from the notebooks of Pliny the Elder, says Arthur.

Wow! says the third person. I've heard of him!

At least someone is happy.

The irritating person stands up and walks across to the flimsy curtain. 

Belle is just pulling it down.

Where's that lobster? asks the irritating person. He said he'd answer questions later.

I think he rode off on a coconut, says Belle.

Not that one, says the irritating person. The Narrator.

Here he is, says Belle.

If you wish to speak further, says Captain Baudin, join me at that picnic table under the illuminated eucalyptus. 

He points to the illuminated tree.

Ba-Da-Bum

The dead bodies of Don Issachar and the Grand Inquisitor lie on the grass.

Candide wipes the blackberry jam from his sword, with the brick coloured tea towel.

What a scrape we're in! cries Cunégarde. You've killed two men in the space of two minutes! We'll be excommunicated for certain!

Dear lady, says Candide, a jealous man in love doesn't know what he's doing.

Boo! shouts the irritating person. That's no excuse!

Shut up! says a person two seats away.

Just saying, says the irritating person. This play's out of touch with times.

Vello emerges from behind the flimsy curtain, and sits down beside the irritating person.

You may have your opinion, says Vello. But I can't let you extend the play's length ad infinitum.

No, I see that, says the irritating person.

We must be packed and away in ten minutes, says Vello. The next show starts at nine twenty.

That's tight programming, says the irritating person.

Indeed it is, says Vello. But our play is almost finished. Let us watch its conclusion together. Any questions, or complaints, address them to me, sotto voce.

That's reasonable, says the irritating person.

Vello signals the Old Woman to go on.

There are three thoroughbred horses in the stables, with saddles and bridles, says the Old Woman. The gallant Candide can get them ready. You my lady, gather your diamonds. We'll ride through the night to Cadiz.

Candide exits stage left, and Cunégonde and the Old Woman exit stage right. leaving the dead to wriggle off slowly. 

Arthur wriggles off slowly, leaving a trail of blackberry jam.

David wriggles after him, narrowly avoiding the jam.

Is that it? asks the irritating person? It's a pretty lame ending.

Sit tight, says Vello. 

The sound of coconuts is heard from behind the flimsy curtain.

Ba-da-bum, ba-da-bum, ba-da-bum. 

The Earthquake prances out, banging two half coconuts, and begins singing his Coconut Song.

Death By Jam

Our lovers sit down to supper, after which they recline on a couch, says Captain Baudin. But they are soon interrupted.

David enters, dressed as Don Issachar. 

Aha! cries David. So you are not satisfied with the Grand Inquisitor, you Galilean bitch, but this rogue must get a share as well!

He draws a long dagger. Candide draws a sword.

In a matter of seconds, Don Issachar is dead as a doornail.

Holy Virgin! cries Cunégonde. A dead man in my house! If the police come, we're done for!

Let us ask the old woman's advice, says Sweezus.

Ageless enters, but something is different in the region of his left buttock, 

The audience spots it at once.

The left buttock, tied on with the royal blue ribbon, is wearing a headband that flashes on and off.

The royal blue ribbon is not wide enough to disguise it.

How come half your arse is flashing? shouts the irritating person.

The rest of the audience dissolves into laughter.

Ha ha ha ha!

Velle comes out from behind the flimsy curtain, whispers something to Captain Baudin, and retires behind the curtain.

A slight change of cast, says Captain Baudin. The left buttock is now being played by the Storm.

Storm and Lightning, squeaks Baby Pierre. I'm doing it as a favour. 

What happened? asks the irritating person.

Kobo isn't allowed to come back on, says Baby Pierre. She refuses to keep quiet about Mary Beckwith.

I've heard of Mary Beckwith, says another audience member. Wasn't she the first European woman to set foot on Kangaroo Island?

She was, says Captain Baudin. And I'm happy to answer questions later. But the play must go on.

A satirical clap issues from behind the flimsy curtain.

Arthur bursts in, dressed as the Grand Inquisitor, and expresses surprise, on seeing the dead body.

Our hero must think quickly, says Captain Baudin. If this holy man calls for help, then he and Cunégonde will no doubt be burnt as a punishment. He does not hesitate.

Sweezus plunges his sword into Arthur.

Arthur dies, somewhat spectacularly, having cunningly concealed a plastic bag full of blackberry jam under his armpit.

Sweezus, not expecting the blackberry jam, does a double take.

But recovers the moment he smells it.

The Feminist Clam

Ageless flicks the brick coloured tea towel aside, revealing the shimmering skirt and spotted veil of a lady.

Cunégonde! says Sweezus.

Candide! says Belle.

She steps out onto the grass, avoiding the cardboard drawbridge.

They embrace.

I thought you had been ravished and disembowelled, says Candide. 

People don't always die of those mishaps, says Cunégonde.

Ninety percent of the audience do not find this funny.

They look sideways at one another, raising their eyebrows.

It's a joke, says Cunégonde, addressing the audience. No one survives being disembowelled.

We know that, says the irritating person in the front row. But what about being ravished?

This is a play, says Cunégonde. Terrible things happen to everyone. Not just me. The old woman here lost her right buttock. Would you like to know how? It was sliced off and eaten by soldiers.

Enough! cries Captain Baudin. The play will continue.

What are you doing here, my lady? asks Sweezus.

It's a long story, says Cunégonde. My parents and brother were killed by Bulgars. I was taken by their captain, and made to wash his shirts. After three months he sold me to Don Issachar the court banker, who brought me here to Lisbon. One day the Grand Inquisitor saw me at Mass, and threatened Don Issachar with an auto-da-fé unless he would share me. So now I belong to Don Issachar on Mondays, Wednesdays and Sabbath days, and the Inquisitor the rest of the week, although there's an ongoing dispute about Saturdays.

One realises this is shocking to modern sensibilities, says Captain Baudin. But such were the times.

You can talk! (This comes from Ageless's left buttock).

Both Ageless and Captain Baudin look startled.

Tell them about you and Mary Beckwith! continues Ageless's left buttock.

Dear lady, says Captain Baudin. This is neither the time or place.

If not now, when? asks Kobo.

The long hook comes out from behind the flimsy curtain, and drags Ageless and Kobo towards it.

I'll leave you two lovers to get re-acquainted, says Ageless, disappearing.

Well done, Ageless, says Vello. Now Kobo, what was that about Mary Beckwith?

But Kobo is not going to reveal details about Captain Baudin and Mary Beckwith in a private meeting with Vello.

She remains tight-lipped, a fossilised clam.

The Drawbridge Is Coming!

Gaius tiptoes on, and drapes a dirty cloth over one of the desks.

Next scene, says Captain Baudin. An old woman's hovel.

Sweezus sits on the grass, with his finger in a pot of ointment.

Ageless shuffles on, wearing Kobo as his left buttock.

What's that behind you? calls the irritating person.

The long handled hook appears, from behind the flimsy curtain.

Never mind, says the person.

It is the old woman's left buttock, explains Captain Baudin.

What happened to her right one? asks the person, emboldened.

To reveal that would be to reveal her identity prematurely, says Captain Baudin. One must attend.

Enough! hisses Vello, thrusting the hook towards Captain Baudin.

Silence, tout le monde! says Captain Baudin.

Why are you so kind to me? asks Sweezus.

Do not thank me, says Ageless. Rub yourself with the ointment, eat some food, sleep, and in the morning I have a surprise for you.

Sweezus mimes astonishment and gratitude, rubbing himself with ointment, eating a crust of bread, and lying down.

The next morning.... begins Captain Baudin.

Wait! shouts the Earthquake. The drawbridge is coming!

We decided against the drawbridge, says Captain Baudin.

But we've GOT one! says the Earthquake. Remember?

Earthquake and Storm run on and place one third of the split cardboard mast in front of the second desk, which is now draped with a brick-coloured tea towel.

The Lonely Maison, says Captain Baudin, with un moat, and un drawbridge.

Ageless leads Sweezus over the grass to the drawbridge, which they shuffle across.

Hurry, dearest, says the old woman's left buttock. I'm slipping.

Ageless tugs at the royal blue ribbon, to adjust his left buttock's position.

A few people laugh.

Flames And Devils

Scene Three, says Captain Baudin. The auto-da-fé.

Beautiful music is played. 

Good citizens, says Captain Baudin. The University has decided the only way to prevent further Earthquakes is to burn a few people alive, and hang or flog several others.

Sweezus and David walk on, wearing painted sacrificial cassocks and paper mitres.

The audience admires the inverted flames and clawless devils, the upright flames and devils with talons.

The painted symbols represent the type of punishment they will receive, says Captain Baudin.

Where's the fire? calls someone.

There will be no fire, says Captain Baudin. Doctor Pangloss will be hanged, and Candide will be flogged in time with the beautiful music. 

So why the flames on the costumes? asks the irritating person.

I know not, says Captain Baudin. It is unexplained in the story.

The irritating person is about to continue interrupting when a long handled hook emerges from behind  the flimsy curtain, and curls round his neck.

The audience laughs, except for the irritating person, who extricates himself, and moves one place sideways.

This brings him too close to the next person, who shifts one place sideways.

And so on, until there is nowhere for the end person to go.

All right, says Vello, coming out from behind the flimsy curtain, waving his hook. Everyone back where they came from!

Order is restored, and the hanging and flogging take place.

David is hanged off stage with frightful choking and gurgling noises, followed by a loud SNAP!

Sweezus is flogged behind the desk by the black-cloaked Gaius, in time with the beautiful music.

Lah lah lah lah lah lah aaaaaah! Miserere! 

The flogging stops.

The Earthquake runs out from behind the curtain.

Rumble-bumble! LOSERS! Hah! Hah!  

Eternal Punishment

The Narrator decides to explain things.

It is the famous Earthquake which occurred in Lisbon, says Captain Baudin. There is much Rubble.

Me! squeaks Baby Pierre (he is over-excited).

The audience seems to accept this.

The Rubble does a Rubble dance. 

Scene Two, says Captain Baudin. The Sad Dinner.

The Rubble dances off, followed by the Earthquake.

Having crept around the ruins and given what help they could to the citizens, our heroes are invited to a sad dinner, says Captain Baudin. 

Sweezus and David sit on the grass, to one side of the upturned desk.

 Gaius and Kierkegaard enter, and sit down opposite. 

The Rubble and Earthquake return, in their costumes, and sit down as well.

How come the Rubble and the Earthquake are at the sad dinner?  shouts an audience member.

One must imagine them to be citizens, says Captain Baudin. 

Shouldn't they have citizen costumes? asks the audience member.

One must indulge them, says Captain Baudin. 

The audience member shuts up. Of course. The Rubble and Earthquake are children They are probably enamoured with their costumes. So he thinks. And he is half right. 

All this, says David, is a manifestation of the rightness of things, since if there is a volcano in Lisbon, this is where it must be.

I take it, says Kierkegaard, that you do not believe in Original Sin. If all is for the best there can be no Fall of Man and no Eternal Punishment.

The Fall of Man and Eternal Punishment enter into the scheme of the best of all possible worlds, says David.

So you don't believe in Free Will? asks Kierkegaard.

Free Will is consistent with Absolute Necessity, says David.

Hear hear, says Sweezus. 

Then you are both under arrest, says Kierkegaard. 

Gaius stands and drags David and Sweezus away by the collars.

Our heroes are arrested by the Inquisition, says Captain Baudin. There will be an auto da fé.

And we painted the costumes, says Terence.

The audience already loves Terence. And that was so cute. 

They laugh loudly.

Terence is emboldened.

He stands up and performs the Prickly Pear dance.

Vello, watching from behind a flimsy curtain, with Belle and Arthur, wishes for a long-handled hook.