Every Crime Magible

Belle goes into the kitchen to look for a bin tie.

Hedley is holding the now-flaccid glove.

Give that to Terence, says Vello. We're rehearsing scene four, and you're in it.

But I haven't learnt my lines yet, says Hedley.

Can you read? asks Vello.

Of course I can, says Hedley.

Vello hands him the copy of Candide, open at page 107.

Have a quick read of that, says Vello. All your lines will be in it. You may shorten them if you like.

I should think so! says Iris.

Hedley reads from page 107 to the end of the chapter called Candide in France.

Am I the officer? asks Hedley. 

You know you are, says Vello.

And is the officer the man with the ivory truncheon? asks Hedley.

What? Yes, says Vello.

And is the man with the ivory truncheon the Chief Yeoman of the Guard? asks Hedley.

Yes why are you asking? asks Vello.

It's not clear. says Hedley.

Of course it's clear, says Vello, snatching the copy from Hedley. They are simply three names for the same person.

A minor character, says Iris. Careless of you.

Thank you Iris, says Vello. Yes Hedley, they are all you. You may rest assured on that point. Now, are you ready?

Yes, says Hedley.

I'm ready too, says David. 

Me too, says Iris. Hedley, come and arrest us.

Hedley steps forward,

Seize them and put them in prison! says Hedley.

Who is he supposed to be talking to? asks Iris.

Hm, says Vello. Hedley, we don't have anyone to play your minions. Therefore you must adjust what you say.

I'm arresting you and taking you to prison! says Hedley.

Well done, Hedley, says Iris.

Yes, well done, says David.

Very good, says Vello.

David whispers something to Iris.

Iris holds her hand out to Hedley.

Good God sir! says Hedley. If you had committed every crime magible you would still be the most honest man in the world! Three diamonds! I would rather die than put you in prison!

Excellent Hedley, says Vello. Except for one word. It's imaginable, not magible.

Sorry, says Hedley. But I am only seven.

Spur Of The Moment Invention

Terence needs something, says Hedley.

What? asks Belle.

A pink rubber glove, a bin tie and a texta, says Hedley.

Go and look in the kitchen, says Belle. Now where were we?

Needing a couch, says Iris. For the seduction.

And the garter, says Belle. What did you find for us, Gaius?

Gaius offers her the white ribbon.

Nice, says Belle, but it needs to be stretchy.

Plait it, says Iris. That'll make it more stretchy.

Later, says Vello. This rehearal will be over before we've done any rehearsing.

Which scene shall we do? asks Belle.

The scene in which the officer is bribed, says Vello. That should be simple. Where is young Hedley?

In the kitchen, says Iris. I'll go and find him.

She goes into the kitchen.

She comes back with Hedley.

Hedley is an innovative young man, says Iris.

Hedley beams shyly.

Why is that? asks Vello. And what's that pink thing that he's holding?

A prop for Terence, says Iris. Hedley blew up the glove, so that Terence can poke it out from under the blanket and it will look plump, as per your description.

The hand need not look plump, says Vello. It was a spur of the moment invention.

Yes, but think of the alternative, says Iris.

And what's that? asks Vello.

Terence's cement hand, says Iris, The audience will find it disconcerting.

Vello sees her point. The person under the blanket who is not Cunégonde should not be a statue.

Very well, says Vello. It's a fine idea, Hedley. Continue.

The rubber glove has by this time started drooping.

I couldn't find a bin tie, says Hedley.

Nor a texta. 

Best not to mention that yet.

Two Suspicious Strangers

I'll be back for Hedley in an hour, says Hedley's mother.

She goes down the stairs thinking who was that rude woman, she did look familiar, never mind it'll come to me.....

What are my lines? asks Hedley.

Let me see, says Vello, leafing through his tatty copy. "Are those the two suspicious strangers?"

Say it, says Terence.

Are those the suspicious strangers? says Hedley.

The TWO suspicious strangers, says Vello.

Okay, says Hedley. The two suspicious strangers.

Are those, says Terence.

Are those, says Hedley.

Ha ha, laughs Terence. You're so bad at acting.

He isn't, says Belle. He said everything he was asked to.

I need it written down, says Hedley. Then I can get the right order.

Get your mother to do it, says Iris.

She's not here, says Hedley.

Then go and help Terence learn his part, says Vello.

Okay, says Hedley. He crawls under the jersey that is standing in for a blanket.

I know how you can help me, says Terence,.

How? asks Hedley.

Put your hand on my hand, says Terence. 

Hedley does it. The double-thickness hand is poked out from under the blanket

How does this look? shouts Terence.

Like two hands, says Belle. And Hedley won't be under the blanket.

I've got another idea, says Hedley.

What is it? asks Terence.

A pink rubber glove, says Hedley. Blow it up like a balloon, close it with a bin tie and it'll look fat as anything.

Yes! says Terence. And I'll draw a face on it!

Then it wouldn't look like a real hand, says Hedley.

Yes it would, says Terence, and it could say stuff.

Hedley has not done three years of Theatre Bugs for nothing. He is open to different suggestions.

Cool idea! says Hedley.

Devoted

 Gaius has not found anything that will do as a garter.

I'll just nip out to the shops and find something suitable,  says Gaius. 

No, don't bother, says Belle. I'll ...

Oh, let him, says Iris. Something white and lacey.

I'll do my best, says Gaius.

He goes out.

Let's start rehearsing, says Belle.

Can I watch? asks Terence.

Of course you can, says Iris. All I do is pick up her garter, and when she asks me, I put it back on.

On you, says Terence. 

On her, says Iris. 

Begin, says David.

Belle: Are you still devoted to the lady Cunégonde?

Iris: Yes madam.

Belle: You answer like a true German bumpkin. A Frenchman would say It is true I once loved her, but on seeing you, I love her no more.

Iris: Very well madam. Let that be my answer.

Belle (pretending to drop something): Be so good as to pick up my garter.

Iris (picking up the invisible garter): With all my heart, madam.

Terence: Ha ha!

Belle: What's so funny.

Terence: There isn't one.

Belle: There will be. Just as you will have a proper blanket, and not that old jersey. Now be quiet.

Terence: I wish I could be the red sheep like last time. 

Iris: Now we sink onto a couch and you surrender yourself to me.

Belle: Yes we do need a couch.

Gaius returns with a metre of white ribbon, followed by a small boy and his mother.

Hedley! cries Terence.

Yay, Terence! cries Hedley.

I met Hedley and his mother downstairs, says Gaius. They were coming up to ask if there was a part in this year's production for Hedley.

Yes there is! cries Terence. 

Is it a red sheep again? asks Hedley. With a red willy?

No, says Terence. It's me under a blanket.

What are you? asks Hedley.

A hand, says Terence. A fat one. I stick it out and get diamonds.

Hedley would like a speaking part, says Hedley's mother. He goes to Theatre Bugs. and he's in his third year.

Hedley should take what he's offered, says Iris.

It's not up to you, Iris, snaps Vello. We have a speaking part for an officer, or a nurse.

Officer! says Hedley.

Lovely! says Hedley's mother. Hedley will take it.

She looks hard at Iris Murdoch.

Iris Murdoch looks hard at Hedley's mother.

Plump Hand

We'll do without the twelve card players, says Vello. Six will do.

Three would do, says David. But we'd still have the same problem.

Why not get the audience involved? suggests Iris Murdoch.

That's a great idea, says Belle. All they have to do is sit there and look melancholy, and hold their marked cards. 

Very well, says Vello. And I shall do an introduction. 

Hopefully a short one, says Iris Murdoch.

In which, continues Vello, I shall incorporate the satirical remarks that must necessarily be dropped from scene one.

How clever, papa! says Belle. But you'll need to work on that introduction. So let's get on with scene two.

Am I in it? asks Terence, from under the stinky old jersey.

Not scene two, says Belle. Stay under the blanket.

Why am I under the blanket? asks Terence.

It's good that you asked, says Belle, but I'm about to rehearse scene two with Iris, so papa will explain it.

What's this? asks Vello.

Why is Terence under a blanket? asks Belle. He needs to know, for his character.

I'll explain it to him, says David. You get on with composing the introduction.

Thank you, David, says Vello.

Am I needed, in scene two? asks Gaius. 

Not really, says Belle. It's just me and Iris. But it would help if you could find me something to use as a garter.

Gaius starts rummaging through drawers. Rubber bands... string.... he can't imagine Belle approving....what do ladies like?

Come out, Terence, says David.

Terence comes out from under.

You are trying to trick Candide into believing that you are Cunégonde, says David. 

Why? asks Terence. 

So he will give you his diamonds, says David.

Will he put them under the blanket? asks Terence.

No, says David. He will see your hand and shower it with tears before covering it with diamonds.

My plump hand! says Terence. 

Yes, your plump hand, says David.

So he knows it's me, says Terence.

No he doesn't, says David.

So why does he give me the diamonds? asks Terence.

Because he thinks it's Cunégonde, says David. But it isn't.

Who is it? asks Terence.

You, says David.

You should've just said so, says Terence.

It's Boring And Smells

Next morning, in the Velosophy office.

Vello and David are discussing the sequence of scenes.

First scene, says Vello, the card game.  Second scene, the seduction. Third scene, the deception. Fourth scene, the escape.

Good, says David. That's settled. Who am I playing?

Martin, says Vello. And Gaius will play the abbé. 

He's agreed? says David.

He has, says Vello.

Belle and Iris come into the office. They are discussing their costumes.

You'll be all right, says Belle.  You're smaller than Sweezus, so you'll fit into his costume. I'll just take in the sides.

What is his costume? asks Iris. 

A jacket, knee-length trousers and boots, says Belle.

Can I wear my own boots? asks Iris Murdoch. 

Sure, says Belle. And I'll wear Cunégonde's costume from last year, with different trimmings, and a garter.

Good to hear that we're saving money, says Vello. 

Gaius and Terence come in.

I'm here! says Terence. Where's my blanket?

What blanket? asks Belle.

Terence is playing the lady who is not Cunégonde, says Vello.

Brilliant! says Belle. What fun you'll have, Terence.

Can I do my part now? asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Belle. If you can find something to use for a blanket.

Terence starts looking.

The only thing he can find is Vello's unwashed Tour Down Under jersey.

Now what? says Terence.

We're doing a run-through of scene one, this morning, says Vello. You are in scene three. So go into the corner and practise being under your blanket.

Okay, says Terence.

Right, says David. Scene one is the card game. Who's in it? Let me see. Twelve card players. Will that be a problem?

Maybe we should start with scene two, suggests Belle.

No, says Vello, scene one contains my amusing commentary on the current literary scene in Paris.

Hardly current, says Iris Murdoch.

Trust you to say something like that, says Vello.

Need I remind you I chose the seduction scene as our starting point? says Iris Murdoch.

Am I in it? asks Terence.

NO! says Belle. You probably shouldn't even see it. Stay under the jersey.

It's boring, says Terence. And it smells.

Practise poking your hand out, says Iris. As I recall it's described by our illustrious author as a plump hand.

What's a plump hand? asks Terence.

An enlarged hand, says Gaius. 

A fat hand, says Iris.

How can I practise a fat hand? asks Terence.

That's something for you to work on, says Vello.

Terence wriggles back under the jersey to work on his hand.

The Fraudulent Lady

Vello calls Gaius.

Hello, says Gaius. Has anyone won the competition?

Yes, says Vello. Iris Murdoch.

That name rings a bell, says Gaius.

A fellow philosopher, says Vello. You've probably read some of her novels.

I doubt it, says Gaius.

I was wondering, says Vello, if you'd be available to take part in our play.

As the old woman? asks Gaius..

The old woman is not in this excerpt, says Vello. You could play the abbé.

I was planning to travel to Queensland, says Gaius.

What about the cyclones? says Vello.

I know, says Gaius. Most annoying. I suppose Sweezus is playing Candide.

If he returns in time, says Vello.

And Belle will play Cunégonde, says Gaius.

Cunégonde is not in it, says Vello. But there is a part for a lady who is not Cunégonde.

Who is the lady? asks Gaius.

The lady who is not Cunégonde, says Vello. A fraudulent person, under a blanket.

Surely Belle won't be playing that part? says Gaius.

No, she will play the Marchioness, says Vello. I thought Terence might play the false lady. He only has to poke out his hand.

I'm sure he'd enjoy doing that, says Gaius.

Excellent, says Vello. Rehearsal tomorrow. at nine am in my office.

We'll be there, says Gaius.