An Ideal Wife

I take it you failed to convert Jesus to Buddhism, said Pliny the Elder.

I wasn't trying to, I replied, I was just trying to clarify a few things.

About mustard seeds, said Pliny, sympathetically. I used to know a thing or two about mustard seeds. I wrote about their medicinal uses at great length. I wonder if I can remember any of it now?

Try, I said.

Easier to Google, he said. Oh yes, look, this is me, on mustard:

Pounded, it is applied with vinegar to the bites of serpents and scorpion stings. It counteracts the poisons of fungi. For phlegm it is kept in the mouth until it melts. For toothache it is chewed. It is very beneficial for all stomach troubles. It clears the senses and, by the sneezing caused by it, the head. It relaxes the bowels and promotes menstruation and urine.

Pliny, I didn't know it was so useful! What about as a condiment? Did you Romans use it much in cooking?

Yes indeed. We used it to enhance the taste of fried doves, boiled duck, crane, and ostrich. And boiled sausages. I was particularly fond of it on my sausages.

Yes, it's good on sausages. Well, that was interesting. Is there anything else?

Yes.... No.

What?

Nothing.

Let me see.

No .

I'm going to look, move out of the way Pliny........ what's this? With a few spoonfuls of mustard a cold and lazy woman can become an ideal wife. PLINY! DID YOU WRITE THAT?