Terror on the Precipice

Farky lies flat on his surfboard. Drip drip drip. Water drips from his paddle into the sea. Two dolphins are swimming below the surfboard, round and round.

The same two dolphins.

You said Christmas was on Tuesday, says the first one. Was it?

No, says the second dolphin. I said it was next Tuesday.

Oh, next Tuesday, says the first dolphin. That's ages off.

They continue swimming round in circles under Farky, until they spot a shark.

.........

On the shore Belle et Bonne has received a text from Mrs Hume.

How's she going? asks Midge.

She's had a lovely massage and she's feeling pink and fluffy, says Belle et Bonne, and she's coming home on Monday night in time for Christmas.

Professor Freud pricks up his ears. Pink and fluffy. Women say the most revealing things. He ought to write them down.

Awesome, says Sweezus. That means Arthur'll be back in time for my birthday.

Hey! says Surfing-With-Whales. Let's have a party on the beach. Mum can do the pizzas.

Cool, says Sweezus. Belle et Bonne and Midge can do the cake.

.........

Mummy, her two friends and Mrs Hume arrive home pink and fluffy and are suitably surprised. There are forty people at the party, half of whom are children. The children's faces have been painted by a fairy. They are in the bouncy castle jumping up and down. The adults are on the balcony chatting about improvements to their property while eating dips and crisps.

Arthur is bored. He decides to go exploring.

He heads off down the Old Bathurst Road to Emu Plains Station and catches the next train for the Blue Mountains.

He gets off at Leura, and walks to the end of the main street looking for a viewing point. He wants to see if the Blue Mountains are really blue.

He hears footsteps behind him.

Arthur! says Bunny, tapping him on the shoulder.

Merde! says Arthur, lapsing into French.

He is standing at the edge of a steep precipice without a railing.

What does she want now? To kill him? Or a philosophical discussion?

What A Dolphin Knows

Arthur goes outside to talk to Bunny.

Did you follow me here? he says.

Yesterday I did, says Bunny. And I came back today. I want to ask you something.

Why? says Arthur.

Don't you mean what? says Bunny

No, says Arthur. I bet I already know what. You want to come back to Middleton with me and meet Sweezus.

Well can I? asks Bunny.

No, says Arthur. I only travel with poets and intellectuals.

Arthur! calls Butterfly from inside the house.

What? says Arthur.

Fish went to the toilet so he gets a treat! Can I have one as well?

Wow! says Bunny. I wish I was an intellectual.

Arthur is annoyed. He goes back inside and shuts the door.

.....

Mrs Hume is sitting in a corner of the Spirit Room at Endota Spa in Rozelle, a trendy suburb of  Sydney. She is dressed in a white bathrobe and a disposable paper g-string. Her feet are in a bowl of water in which small black things float.

Now, says Gill, smell these three essences and choose the one you're drawn to. It will be the one your body craves.

Mrs Hume chooses the first one. It is the only one that she can smell.

Citrus, says Gill. That's lively. Now get up on the table.

Gill massages Mrs Hume and they talk of this and that. Of laser treatments and Brazilians, of childhood and siblings, of swimming pools and the joys of a country living. The conversation turns to coal seam gas and fracking.

My sister is against it, murmurs Mrs Hume. She's coming to the party......

My father's in the mining industry, says Gill, so he's on the other side......

Mrs Hume drifts off into a pleasant place......

..........

Farky has drifted even further out. He remembers someone saying there would be no waves until Tuesday.

He looks down. The dolphin is still there. Or else another one.

When is Tuesday? he asks the dolphin.

As if a dolphin would know that, scoffs the dolphin. Shwssssh!

Silence but for the lapping of water against the surfboard and the dripping of the oar.

Wait! says the dolphin. Tuesday. That is Christmas.

Yes but when? asks Farky.

Tuesday, says the dolphin, swimming off.

Surprises

Farky is a little dot on the horizon.

Why did you let him go by himself? asks Belle et Bonne.

He'll be fine, says Sweezus. He has four legs, that's two more than me.

Think about it, says Belle et Bonne.

They all think about it, Gaius, Professor Freud, Surfing-With-Whales, Midge and Sweezus.

Four legs, they are thinking, no arms.

....

Farky is thinking about it too.

I'm too far out, thinks Farky. Way too far out. How do I turn round?

He waggles the paddle about in the water. It is difficult to do with four legs that have had knee reconstructions.

A dolphin swims alongside.

Prrrrp, says the dolphin.You look like you're stuffed.

I know it, says Farky. Could you give me a tow?

Toe? says the dolphin. Hello? No!

Farky suspected as much.

.........

Arthur is contemplating his future.

It's the children's mummy's birthday, and a surprise party has been planned.

Mrs Hume and mummy and two of mummy's best friends are being sent to a day spa to get them out of the house for the morning.

I'm looking forward to this, says Mrs Hume. Luxury and pampering. I deserve it.

What do I deserve? says Arthur.

Your shorts are dry, says Mrs Hume. Put them on and help the children's daddy. You and the children may decorate the garden with streamers, and put up the bouncy castle.

Mrs Hume goes off in the car with the ladies.

The ladies are chattering in the car about work.

Mrs Hume hopes her legs are not fuzzy.

Arthur is not happy.

There is a knock on the door. Arthur opens it, expecting another delivery.

But no, it is Bunny, from the Gospel Reformed Church.

Hello, Arthur, says Bunny. Can we talk?

Women's Low Centre of Gravity

Look at this! says Sweezus, waving a paddle.

It's a paddle, says Farky. So what?

It's for Stand Up Paddle Surfing, says Sweezus. Wanna have a go?

Why am I just the man? asks Farky. You said I was just the man.

You'll have a low centre of gravity, says Sweezus. Like a woman.

Farky is doubly insulted. A woman! But he likes the idea.

Alright says Farky. Help me on.

Sweezus helps Farky onto the SUP board and gives him a helpful push.

Wait! says Farky. What do I do?

Grab this, says Sweezus, handing Farky a paddle. Now paddle. That's all.

Any advice? asks Farky, attempting to paddle.

Keep your eye on the horizon, says Sweezus. And you'll be alright.

Don't forget to turn, he adds. The idea is to catch a wave back in.

But it's too late. Farky has floated away.

..........

Gaius and Freud return to the beach with their collection of eggs. Belle et Bonne and Midge are sitting under the big red umbrella.

Look, girls, says Gaius. Phasmid eggs.

Wow! says Midge. They look just like seeds.

No, no, says Gaius. They've got knobs on. See.

The girls act impressed.

..........

Meanwhile in Blaxland Arthur is in charge of the cake making project. The children have a bowl each.

Arthur gives the children the ingredients to make half a cake, one ingredient at a time.

The children will mix their ingredients. Then Arthur will spoon the two mixtures into a cake tin. What can go wrong?

Why is the mixture of Fish very runny and all up his arms? While the mixture of Butterfly is dry and crumbly and won't stick together at all.

Arthur scrapes Fish's arms. They are warm. The mixture looks half cooked already. He adds the scrapings to Butterfly's crumbly bits.

He squeezes everything together into a greyish lump.

Pink! says Butterfly. Mummy's cake should be pink!

Are my pants dry yet? says Arthur.

No, says Mrs Hume.

Just The Man

Freud comes back to where Gaius is squatting.

Gaius looks up.

What's that on the front of your trousers? asks Gaius.

Freud looks down at his trousers.

It's a stick insect. A big one.

It may be a Titan, says Gaius.

Indeed, says Freud. It looks like a Titan, but they don't normally frequent these parts.

He pulls the Titan away from his trousers, and drops it to the ground where it lapses into a state of catalepsy.

Pity, says Gaius. It's not a new species. But here! Take a look at these eggs.

Freud peers at the eggs. They look like carved seeds.

How do you know they're not seeds, asks Freud doubtfully.

They have characteristic knobs, says Gaius.

Freud bends down to examine the knobs like the knob connoisseur that he is.

..........

Arthur has finished his coffee. He heads back to the house via the fire track. A black kangaroo hops away into the forest. In the row of back gardens dogs yap and swings creak.

He reaches the house and goes in.

Where have you BEEN? says Mrs Hume crossly.

Drying my shorts in the air, says Arthur. But they still smell of pee.

I'll rinse them out for you, says Mrs Hume, if you'll take over here.

Arthur sits down at the table where Butterfly and Fish are making cards for their mummy and daddy, poking sparkling sequins into vast blobs of glue plastered onto sheets of graph paper.

You've used far too much glue, says Arthur.

More glue, says Fish.

Arthur sighs.

Would you children like to bake a cake for mummy? says Mrs Hume, sticking her head round the door of the laundry. Arthur, can you organise that?

Arthur is trapped. He does not want to help the children bake a cake for mummy, but he can't leave. He's not wearing pants.

.........

At Middleton, the water is flat.

Belle et Bonne sits on the beach with Farky.

Midge comes over.

Hi, says Midge. No surf until Tuesday. It sucks.

I know, says Belle et Bonne. Why don't we go back to Victor?

It's the same there, says Midge.

But we could go on the island, says Belle.

I can't, says Farky. No dogs allowed.

I forget you're a dog, says Belle et Bonne.

That's insulting, says Farky.

He goes off to find Sweezus.

Farky! says Sweezus. Just the man!

Dispersal

Arthur has now got wet shorts.

Fish! says Arthur. You peed on me. Get off, I need to stand up.

He stands up and takes off his shorts.

Arthur! says Mrs Hume. What are you doing?

My shorts need a wash, says Arthur. Fish piddled all over me. I thought he was trained.

Fish, says Mrs Hume. We must throw away one of your toys.

He's allowed to choose which one, says Butterfly primly.

Not Woody, says Fish. Woody's my favourite.

Arthur goes to the laundry. The washing machine is still not plumbed in.

He puts his wet shorts back on.

He is fed up with baby sitting..

Just going out for a bit, says Arthur.

He walks up the stone steps to the road and keeps walking. He reaches the main road and turns left.

Cockatoos screech overhead. He comes to a church. The Reformed Gospel Church. Next to the church is a coffee shop, and next to the coffee shop is a supermarket.

A crowd of young people are outside the coffee shop, drinking coffee.

Hello, says Arthur. Is that proper coffee?

Sure is, says one of the young people. Would you like one? It's free.

Yes, says Arthur.

Your shorts are wet, says the person, whose name, she informs him, is Bunny.

It's pee, says Arthur.

Bunny is shocked.

She changes the subject.

Have you let Jesus into your life? asks Bunny.

Yes, says Arthur. He calls himself Sweezus these days. He's surfing at Middleton. I'm supposed to be
doing it with him, but instead I came here. I hope he's not mad.

Bunny edges away.

............

At Middleton, Sweezus is still on his surfboard, waiting for a wave.

There is minimal swell.  He had hoped for at least some swell magnets.

Surfing-With-Whales has given up and is standing in the shallows with Midge.

Crap surf, says Surfing-With-Whales.

The forecast is crap until Tuesday, says Midge.

Lucky Arthur, says Surfing-With -Whales. He's not here.

Sweezus rolls by on a magnet.

Bravo, says Surfing-With-Whales.

.....

Gaius and Professor Freud are staring hard at the leaf.

It IS a leaf, says Professor Freud. Do you know how I know?

No, says Gaius. How do you know?

You only find leaf insects in North Queensland, says Professor Freud.

It may be a stick insect, says Gaius.

In that case, says Freud, it would look like a stick.

I wish Arthur was here, says Gaius.

Well, well, says Freud.

What do you mean, 'well, well' ? says Gaius. It's just that Arthur is so reliable.

And I'm not? says Freud. And anyway, if Arthur is so reliable, why isn't he here?

Freud stomps away into the woods.

Gaius gets down on his knees, and pokes around in the grass, looking for phasmid eggs, which have been dropped to the ground from high foliage by female phasmids, or flicked by the abdomen to scatter them further, as has been documented in the literature on phasmid dispersal of eggs.

In The Blue Mountains

Some time has elapsed.

But not nearly as much as we think.

Here are Gaius and Professor Freud, somewhere inland from Middleton, peering into the bushes.

Heard from Arthur at all? says Professor Freud, poking a leaf with his stick.

Yes, yes, says Gaius. I believe Arthur is finding his baby sitting duties somewhat onerous.

Ha ha! says Professor Freud. He regrets going, I knew it!

Stop poking! says Gaius. That isn't a leaf.

.........

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales are on their surfboards, waiting for a wave.

Midge hands her waterproof camera to Belle  et Bonne.

Hold this for a minute, she says. I need to hitch up these shorts.

She hitches up her zig zag patterned shorts that are tied up with string.

Where did you get them? asks Belle et Bonne. They're way too big.

A gift from Mrs Hume, says Midge. She expected a man.

Well, now she's got Arthur, says Belle et Bonne. I wonder how they're getting on?

........

Arthur is with Mrs Hume in Blaxland. He is getting on reasonably well with Butterfly and Fish.

Every day the children's mother and father go to work, and Arthur and Mrs Hume are in charge.

The new house has a beautiful garden. Butterfly likes to play on the swing.

Arthur! says Butterfly. Come and play on the swing.

Arthur goes down the path with Butterfly to the swing.

The swing is low. Butterfly twists the ropes tight, and lets go.

Stop me! she screams, spinning faster and faster.

Arthur thinks she will stop soon enough.

He is right. She stops with a jerk and falls off the swing backwards, hitting her head on a rock.

Waaah! cries Butterfly.

Are you bleeding? says Arthur.

Waaah! cries Butterfly again, getting up.

She doesn't appear to be bleeding.

What's happened? calls Mrs Hume, from the balcony.

Nothing, says Arthur. She just fell off the swing.

WAAAAAAH! cries Butterfly.

Bring her up here, says Mrs Hume. Fish and I are about to watch Peter Pan.

They go inside and sit on the couch

Fish sits on Arthur's knee. Butterfly sits between Arthur and Mrs Hume.

Fish loves Peter Pan, especially the pirates.  He loves it so much he forgets he needs to go to the toilet.

Arthur feels warm liquid seeping down into his shorts and between his legs into the couch.

Goings On

Professor Freud wakes up.

The bottom bunk is empty.

He kicks Farky awake.

Where's Mrs Hume? says Professor Freud.

She left early with Arthur, mumbles Farky.

Professor Freud is shocked.

He gets dressed and hurries to the Middleton carpark.

He scans the car park for SURF FINK.

SURF FINK is gone.

Only Gaius is there, sitting on a railing looking at the glassy flat sea.

Where is everyone? asks Professor Freud.

Gone to Victor Harbour looking for waves, says Gaius. I'm waiting for Arthur.

Arthur has gone off with Katherine, says Professor Freud. It seems they eloped in the night. A highly  titillating liaison. What are you doing here?

Enlisting Arthur to help me look for phasmids, or so I thought, says Gaius.

Stick insects! says Professor Freud. My favourite insects! Perhaps I can assist. But first let us go and eat breakfast at the excellent establishment of Mrs Swales.

They go off to do that.
..........

Arthur drives Mrs Hume back to Adelaide.

He drops her at home where she picks up her suitcase.

Where are you off to ? asks Arthur, as they drive to the airport.

I'm flying to Sydney to stay with my grandchildren Butterfly and Fish, says Mrs Hume. I shall be minding them while their parents move house. They are all moving to Blaxland in the Lower Blue Mountains.

I'd like to see Blaxland, says Arthur, on a whim.

Come with me then, says Mrs Hume.

Alright, says Arthur. I will.

Some Dude Outside

The sea is cold. Arthur turns back to the shore.

Gaius! says Arthur. What are you doing here?

Looking for you, says Gaius. I had a wonderful time in Port Augusta after you left. You ought to have stayed. I attended a fascinating talk on phasmids.

Phasmids, says Arthur. Like phantoms?

No no, says Gaius. They are stick insects. I want you to help me find a new species. Of course there won't be any down here on the beach. You and I will have to go inland.......

But I'm going surfing, says Arthur.

Plenty of time for that later, says Gaius.

At least wait till morning, says Arthur. Haven't you noticed it's dark?

So it is, says Gaius. Where are you sleeping? I'll come back with you.

In that van over there, says Arthur. With Sweezus and Belle and everyone. You go and knock. I'll be up in a minute.

Gaius marches up to Surf Fink and knocks on the side.

Arthur goes straight to Mrs Swales's place. He knocks on the window of the bedroom in which Mrs Hume, Professor Freud and Farky are sleeping.

Mrs Hume is a light sleeper. She wakes up. She opens the window and pokes her head out.

Arthur! she says. What is it?

I'm going, says Arthur. Can I borrow your car?

Certainly not, says Mrs Hume. I'm going home myself in the morning. I've a plane to catch.

Leave early, says Arthur. I'll come with you. I'll drive.

That would be nice, says Mrs Hume. But I thought you were going surfing?

I was, says Arthur, but something came up.

Just let me get dressed, says Mrs Hume. And put on my face.

Arthur looks at her face. So that's what she looks like without it.

.............

Knock, knock.

Gaius knocks on the side of the van.

Whassat? says Surfing-With-Whales.

It's me, says Gaius. It's Gaius Plinius Secundus.

Jesus! says Surfing-With-Whales.

Whassat? says Sweezus.

Some dude outside, says Surfing-With-Whales. Midge, you got a torch?

Whassat? says Midge.

You don't need a torch, says Belle et Bonne. It's Gaius. Let him in.

They open the van door and let Gaius in.

I've just checked the Fluidzone forecast for Middleton, says Gaius. As the sea will be glassy and flat, with only ankle slapping ripples on the beachies, and a southern swell just to put a nail in it, I suggest you all give up the idea of surfing this morning and come inland with Arthur and me. We'll be looking for phasmids.

Where is Arthur? says Belle.

Arthur will be along in a minute, says Gaius.

Not Drowning Sleeping

Later that night....

Mrs Hume and Professor Freud are asleep. At least Farky hopes so.

They are in the same room, in a bunk bed. Professor Freud is on top.

Farky is on a rug on the floor. He can't sleep.

He does what dog's do that can't sleep. Never mind what that is.

Zzzzzzz. He falls asleep.

Farky dreams.

He dreams he hears a regular squeaking noise. Mrs Hume turning over. That's all.

He drifts into deep sleep.

He is standing up on the end of a surfboard. Arthur is at the other end.

Farky plunges his nose into the crystalline water. He opens his eyes. What is this? A shark! A shark with pointy shark teeth.

Do I smell blood? says the shark, swimming closer.

Blood? Farky's not bleeding. Is it Arthur? His scabby old knees? No, Arthur is upright and whacking the shark with a paddle.

Suddenly Farky remembers his blood orange red lips. Not blood at all. He is safe. He wakes up.

It's amazing, how dreams work, thinks Farky.

It's like you're just making it up.

........

Meanwhile, in Midge's van, it's a bit of a squash. Midge and Belle et Bonne are on one blowup bed, Sweezus, Surfing-With-Whales and Arthur are packed like sardines on another.

Man, says Surfing-With-Whales. This is just like old times.

Not quite, says Sweezus.

Huh-huh, yeah, not quite, says Surfing-with-Whales. We're older now.

Arthur is not older now. He is just seventeen. He feels uncomfortable wedged between two thirty-something year olds.

Mind if we go top and tail, says Arthur.

Go right ahead, says Surfing-With-Whales. But don't bend your knees.

It's insupportable. Arthur must be able to do what he likes with his knees.

He decides he will sleep on the beach.

He gets out of Surf Fink, and walks down to the shore.

He likes the solitude here. The roar of the waves, the glitter of the moon on the water, the sound of .....shit!..... Gaius's voice!

Arthur! Is that you, Arthur?

Arthur wades into the sea.

Good For Local Business

Surfing-With-Whales's mum runs a pizza and craft shop. She is pleased to see such a lot of customers.

The customers are less excited. They thought they had been invited home to tea.

Welcome! says Surfing-With-Whales's mum. Come in, sit down. How many pizzas would you like?

There's eight of us, counting Farky, says Surfing-With-Whales. Do you like pizza, Farky?

No he doesn't, says Sweezus.

Yes I do, says Farky.

He can have the meat topping, says Surfing-With-Whales's mum. So that's how many pizzas?

Four large ones, says Mrs Hume. I'll pay. One Godfather, one Supreme, one Meatlovers and one Margarita.

Everyone is astonished by the order.

This isn't Domino's, says Surfing-With-Whales's mum. But I'll do my best.

She goes off round the back.

Well, says Mrs Hume. This is nice.

When are you leaving? says Arthur.

I might stay the night, says Mrs Hume.

Me too, says Professor Freud. Perhaps your mother could put us up?

Sure she could, says Surfing-With-Whales. And we can all sleep in the van.

My van? says Midge.

Yeah, says Surfing-With-Whales. Down in the carpark. Then we can get an early start. You'll get some good front lit shots.

True, says Midge. But that's five in the van, plus the dog.

The dog? says Farky. You mean me? I'm not sleeping in that thing. I've had four knee reconstructions this year.

Don't worry Farky , says Belle et Bonne. I'm sure Mrs Whales will let you sleep here.

Mrs WHALES!. Oh ha ha! laughs Surfing-With-Whales's mum, coming in with the pizzas. That's not my name. My name's Lauren. Lauren Swales.

Arthur thinks this is funny.

He laughs.

Mrs Swales puts the pizzas down on the table just out of his reach.

Sweezus takes a slice of faux-Meatlovers pizza.

Mrs Swales spies his yellow ostrich leather bracelet with the silver stud.

Ohhh! says Mrs Swales. How divine is your bracelet! Do let me see!

MUM! says Surfing-With-Whales.

Brill!

Yoo hoo! says Mrs Hume. It's me!

She comes down the steps with Midge.

Ripper, Midge! says Surfing-With-Whales. Cool van.

I knew you'd like it, says Midge. Picture of you on the side. What's happening?

Aww, says Surfing-With-Whales, bad gravy. Sloppy peaks, no kick, some random beachies later on.

Everyone looks glum.

Pfff, says Midge. Tomorrow?

Better, says Surfing-With-Whales.

Everyone brightens up.

Has anyone heard from Arthur? says Mrs Hume.

Nope, says Sweezus. And what's happened to our boards?

Oh, Arthur will have them, says Mrs Hume. He disappeared, looking for icecreams, but I'm sure he'll end up here eventually.

He disappeared! says Belle et Bonne. You mean he drove off in your car and left you?

I hope so, dear, otherwise it's been stolen, says Mrs Hume. Not that I would mind about the car. But that would mean your surfboards have been stolen too.

All at once they hear a familiar sound.

Squeeeee!

They look up. It is Mrs Hume's car, and Arthur, Farky and the surfboards. And who is this extra person? Professor Freud!

Hello all! shouts Professor Freud. I've just been showing Arthur the way.

To do what? shouts Surfing-With-Whales, who knows Professor Freud.

Ha ha, laughs Professor Freud. This young man knows what he's doing.

He does, does he? says Belle et Bonne. Arthur, you left Mrs Hume all on her own and drove off in her car.

With our surfboards, says Sweezus.

I'm here now, says Arthur. Sorry Mrs Hume.

Never mind dear, says Mrs Hume. We're all here now. Isn't this lovely. Shall we go and paddle?

Silence.

Professor Freud says gallantly, Madam I should be most happy to paddle with you.

Ooh, hee hee, says Mrs Hume, undoing her sandals.

They go off to the water's edge,

Arthur, says Belle et Bonne. You live a charmed life. But you look funny.

My blood orange gelati lips, says Arthur, don't you like them?

No, says Belle et Bonne. Farky's got them too.

Farky licks her leg.

Eeuw! says Belle et Bonne. Get away!

Well, says Midge. Wasted day. What'll we do for dinner?

Pizza, at mum's, says Surfing-With-Whales.

That sounds like a plan, says Midge. Is everybody coming?

Yep, says Sweezus. Pizza, it is. This is cool. Arthur's here, surf's up tomorrow, brill!

Red Lips And Ethical Debates About Fish

Lola calls Preecey.

No worries, says Preecey. Already sorted. She's on her way to Middleton in Midge's van.

Your friend has made her own arrangements, says Lola. She's on her way to Middleton without you.

Arthur looks annoyed.

What's the matter, says Lola? Don't you know the way?

No, we don't, says Arthur. Damn! She didn't strike me as unreliable.

Yeh! says Farky. Unreliable.

I know the way to Middleton, says Profesor Freud. I should be happy to accompany you, that is if you don't think....

What? says Arthur. If we don't think....?

If you don't think there would be just too many characters, says Professor Freud.

No, no, the more the better, says Arthur. You can talk to Mrs Hume. She's old, like you.

I doubt that! says Professor Freud. She's David's mother! She must be well over eighty if a day. Whereas I...

But Arthur isn't listening. Lola is saying something.

Would you like a tissue, Arthur? asks Lola. You have bright red lips.

No thanks, says Arthur, catching sight of his reflection in the coffee machine. I like my bright red lips.

Arthur, Farky and Professor Freud say goodbye to Lola, pile into Mrs Hume's car, and squeal off in the general direction of Middleton.

............

Sweezus, Belle et Bonne and Surfing-With-Whales are discussing the ethical ins and outs of using fish leather for making bracelets.

Belle et Bonne: I didn't even know you could get fish leather.

Surfing-With-Whales: Yeah you can. Salmon, perch, cod, shark, eels.

Sweezus: Salmon!

Belle et Bonne: I suppose you'd have no problem with it.

Sweezus: No I wouldn't. I eat salmon, what's the diff?

Surfing-With-Whales: Man, I eat salmon, but I wouldn't wear it on my wrist.

Sweezus: As long as it didn't, you know, stink of salmon......

Belle et Bonne: Well I think that's totally irrelevant!

Surfing -With-Whales: Hey! Look who's arrived up top! It's Midge!

They look up. SURF FINK has just pulled up in the car park.

Mrs Hume gets out.

Belle et Bonne: Oh no! Where's her car? I hope she hasn't had an accident!

Sweezus: Sheeez! If she has, what's happened to our surfboards?

All These Kissings v. Eternity

Arthur is determined to get two free icecreams by his own efforts.

That poem, he says, pointing to the chalkboard. What's it about?

Lola turns to read the poem, which she chalked up last Monday, and has now forgotten.

"And the moonbeams kiss the sea
 What are all these kissings worth
 If thou kiss not me?"

What do you think? says Lola.

It's about persuasion, says Arthur. And the art of tit for tat.

So? says Lola.

My poem is about Eternity, says Arthur. It's at least worth two icecreams.

Lola thinks she gets it. Tit for tat. And Professor Freud is watching.

Okay, she says. Do your poem. Here's a duster, and some chalk.

Arthur rubs out Shelley's lame attempt to get a kiss. He writes Eternity, in chalk.

"She is found again.
 What? Eternity.
  It is the sea, gone away
  With the sun."

Lola is not sure that this is better than the Shelley, but it is about the sea and it is deep.

Arthur gets his two blood orange gelatis.

Bravo! says Professor Freud.

Do I know you? says Arthur.

Professor Freud, says Professor Freud.

Then you know Sweezus, says Arthur. We're on our way to Middleton to meet him.

Yes, yes, I know Sweezus, says Professor Freud. An interesting chap. He had a dreadful toothache. That was last year. I expect it's better now. What are you two going to do at Middleton? Surfing I suppose?

Yes, says Arthur. He suddenly remembers that he has Mrs Hume's car and all the surfboards, but has forgotten Mrs Hume.

He tells Professor Freud.

Goodness me! says Professor Freud. You've left that fine old lady alone at Port Noarlunga, sitting on a bench. How long ago?

Hours, says Arthur. But she'll be alright. She was looking at the sea, remembering horses.

Professor Freud doubts that very much. Women's minds don't work like that, he thinks. Not horses. Maybe eels.

Lola has more practical concerns.

I'll call Preecey at South Port, Lola says. He can go and see if she's alright.

The Careless Ill Treatment Of Animals

It's mid afternoon and Sweezus and Belle et Bonne have arrived at Middleton. They are surprised to find the others are not there.

Tschh! says Sweezus. Where are they? They've got the surfboards.

I do hope they're alright, says Belle et Bonne. I don't think Arthur's done much driving.

They'll be alright, says Sweezus. Let's find Surfing-With-Whales.

Leaving their bikes in the carpark they climb down the steps to the beach where Surfing-With-Whales is sitting under a red canvas awning.

Nice awning, says Sweezus. Red!

Good for business, says Surfing-With-Whales.

How is business? says Sweezus.

Cactus-shit, says Surfing-With-Whales. It's only good from June to October when there's whales out there.

So what do you do the rest of the time? asks Belle et Bonne.

Surf without whales, says Surfing-With-Whales. And without customers. And in my spare time I do craftwork. I make jewellery and bracelets to sell in mum's shop..

Yeah? says Sweezus. Do you make leather bracelets?

No, man, says Surfing With Whales. No cow or bird or fish  has to die to make my bracelets.

Fish! says Sweezus. Cool! I mean , yeah.....

.........

Arthur Rimbaud and Farquar MacTaggart enter the Ripple and Swirl at Christies Beach.

A distinguished-looking gentleman looks up from his vanilla icecream.

Arthur goes up to the counter, orders two blood orange gelatis, and rummages in his pockets for some cash.
Oops. He remembers he has spent his last fifty in Port Augusta.

He turns to Farky, making a cut throat gesture, with his finger.

The gentleman gets up and comes over.

Excuse me, young man, says the gentleman. I couldn't help but notice that you are in a pickle. May I have the pleasure of treating you and your canine friend to two icecreams?

Thank you, says Arthur. But I prefer to fund myself.

Professor Freud ( for of course, it is he ) is beside himself with professional curiosity. What does the young man mean?

He soon finds out.

Arthur addresses the woman behind the counter.

I see you run a literary establishment, he says, pointing at the chalk board on the wall, which contains a line of poetry by Shelley. How about I give you a poem in exchange for two icecreams?

Nice try, says Lola. But no thanks. And please take that dog outside.

Surf Fink

No taxi has arrived. Mrs Hume drums her fingers loudly on the counter. The man looks up, remembering she is there.

No taxi yet? says the man. Tell you what, I'll call Preecey at South Port. He might have a clue.

He calls Preecey.

Preecey knows someone who's going to Middleton, says the man. He'll send them round to pick you up.

How very kind, says Mrs Hume. I must buy something from your shop to thank them.

She looks around. What to buy? She settles on some large and colourful zigzag patterned shorts, a bargain at thirty percent off.

A clapped out van pulls up outside the surf shop, painted with garish images depicting a surfboard on which a yellow haired surfer with a wild expression and his tongue hanging out of his mouth like a repulsive double worm  rides through a barrel wave. The words SURF FINK are painted on the door.

Passenger for Middleton? says the driver, peering through the window.

This is thrilling. Mrs Hume gets in.

Hi, says the driver, a young woman. My name's Midge.

Katherine Hume, says Mrs Hume. I don't know why but I was expecting a you to be a man.

It'll be the van, says Midge. Isn't it horrible! I hired it from Wicked Van Hire. Is there a problem?

No, not at all, says Mrs Hume. I am delighted. It is just that I have bought you a present of men's shorts, which will be much too large.

Never mind, says Midge, I'll keep them up with string. Why are you going to Middleton, Katherine, If you don't mind me asking?

My driver and my car have disappeared, says Mrs Hume. So I must make my own way to Middleton, to meet up with some friends.

You don't seem very worried, says Midge.

I'm not, says Mrs Hume. That young scallywag will turn up eventually. And as for the car, it squeals so badly I really wouldn't mind if I never saw it again.

You are a true philosopher, Katherine, says Midge.

I like to think so, says Katherine. And why are you going to Middleton, my dear?

I'm a photographer, says Midge. I take amazing photos of waves. I'm meeting someone there who's going to help me. His name is Surfing-With-Whales.

Surfing-With-Whales! says Katherine. That rings a bell. I think he is a friend of Sweezus.

Pardon? says Midge. I don't think he's religious.

No, no, dear, SWEEZUS, says Katherine. Sweezus is one of my young friends.

Cool! says Midge. Let's go then. Middleton here we come!

And SURF FINK starts up with a splutter and rattles off down the road.

Excelling in Thoughtlessness

Mrs Hume is strangely excited. She is all alone, left to her own resources. At least she has her handbag.

She crosses the road and enters Onboard Surf.

Can I help you? says a man appearing from behind a rack of surfboards.

I don't suppose you've seen my young friend Arthur, says Mrs Hume. He's gone missing.

Sorry, haven't seen anyone, says the man.

Then would you mind calling me a taxi, says Mrs Hume. I need to get to Middleton.

A taxi! laughs the man. You might have to wait a while.

.........

And where is Arthur?

Arthur is excelling himself in thoughtlessness.

He can't find anywhere to buy an icecream.

He walks back to Mrs Hume's car and gets in.

Farky bounds up.

Where's our icecreams? says Farky.

Where are our icecreams, says Arthur.

Yes, where? says Farky.

Nowhere, says Arthur. The icecream shops are closed.

I know one, says Farky. It's called the Ripple and Swirl. It's back at Christies Beach.

Where's that? asks Arthur.

That way, says Farky, pointing.

Get in, says Arthur.

And they drive away, just like that, to find the Ripple and Swirl.

..........

Gaius has arrived back in Adelaide. He turns up at the Velosophy office, looking for Arthur.

Gaius! says David. You're back at last! How was Dry and Spineless?

Wonderful, says Gaius. We had a most interesting talk by Kristen Messenger of Bugs N Slugs. Did you know that a new species of phasmid was discovered only recently in the Gawler Ranges, Paractenomorpha baehri.

Well, well, says David. Fascinating. Was it very recently?

Two thousand and four, says Gaius.

Ah! says David. Quite recently.

I intend to try and discover a new species myself, says Gaius. That's why I'm looking for Arthur. As you know he is my right hand man.

Do you find him reliable? says David.

Of course, says Gaius, remembering Arthur's seamless acquisition of the Southern Railways knife. Where is he?

Vello knows, says David. But he's not allowed to tell. Arthur's gone surfing.

Then he'll be down at Middleton, says Gaius. I shall set off for Middleton first thing in the morning. It will be as good a place as any for us to find stick insects.

What are you doing tonight? asks David.

Nothing, why? says Gaius.

Come out with me and Vello, says David. We're going to Ologism.

All Gone Now

Mrs Hume's car is in the Port Noarlunga car park. Arthur, Mrs Hume and Farky are sitting on a wooden seat facing the jetty and the Port Noarlunga Reef.

I don't know why you want to go to Middleton, says Mrs Hume. It's always so lovely here. Look at that beautiful water. And that reef.

No surf, says Arthur, gloomily.

There is up the other end, says Mrs Hume. It's got everything, Port Noarlunga. We used to come here for our holidays when David and his sister were little. They used to love the horses.

Horses, says Farky. Where's the horses?

Where ARE the horses, says Arthur.

How nicely spoken you are, Arthur, says Mrs Hume.

Where ARE the horses then, says Farky. I don't see 'em.

You're very rude, Farky, says Mrs Hume. They were on a little roundabout, just  here it was. Does anyone feel like an icecream?

But the kiosk is closed, as usual.

Arthur sets off walking up the road to find a deli.

Ahhh, sighs Mrs Hume. I do so love the sea. I could sit here forever watching the waves roll in.

Piddling waves, says Farky.

That's naughty talk, says Mrs Hume. I expect you need a wee. You must get Arthur to take you over to the grass when he gets back.

I don't need Arthur to take me for a wee, says Farky. But I do need to go. Be back in a minute.

Mrs Hume sits with the sun on her face watching the waves roll in. She remembers the little roundabout, the sandhills where the children used to play, the rusty ladder down to the reef at the end of the jetty. All gone now.

And where is Arthur with that icecream?

She waits another twenty minutes, then walks back to the car park. Perhaps Arthur will be waiting at the car.

But Arthur is not there. and nor is Farky. .

And neither is her car.

Don't Ask Don't Tell

Belle et Bonne is annoyed with herself.

An ostrich had to die to be that bracelet.

That was what she had meant to say to Sweezus. But she had wimped out and said that stupid thing about it going stiff.

 No wonder Sweezus thought that she was jealous.

Sweezus is not surprised that Belle is jealous. It is an awesome bracelet. He resolves to drop into the Middleton Arts and Craft Centre and buy her a leather bracelet when they get there.

...........

Mrs Hume settles back comfortably in the passenger seat. How nice it is to have a driver. Especially a handsome young one such as Arthur, who has had such an interesting life.

Arthur is telling Mrs Hume about the pirates he met in La Rochelle.

Weren't you afraid? says Mrs Hume.

I'm never afraid, says Arthur. Except perhaps of death.

That's the only thing I'm not afraid of, says Mrs Hume. Dying, yes.

Arthur screeches to a halt at an intersection.

Farky is roused from his back seat torpor.

Cripes! says Farky. Are we dying now?

No, says Mrs Hume. Arthur is a competent young driver. How are your wee legs?

Stiff, says Farky. Are we there yet?

No, we're only at Port Noarlunga, says Mrs Hume. Arthur, how about we stop off here and let him have a run?

Alright, says Arthur, stopping with a jerk.

...........

Belle et Bonne's phone is ringing.

It's papa! she says to Sweezus. I wonder what he wants.

Answer it, says Sweezus. But slow down.

Papa, says Belle et Bonne, what do you want? I'm wobbling all over the road.

Stop then, says Vello. I want to speak to Arthur.

I'm not with Arthur, says Belle et Bonne. He's driving Katherine's car.

Good grief! says Vello. And is she in it? I'd better not tell David!

They'll be alright, says Belle et Bonne. What did you want to say to Arthur?

A message from Gaius, says Vello.

Oh, how is Gaius? says Belle et Bonne.

Very excited, says Vello. He went to Dry and Spineless, and now he's totally obsessed with phasmids. He wants Arthur to be ready for a phasmid hunt. He's coming home tonight.

He's out of luck, says Belle et Bonne. Arthur's going surfing. Now papa, please don't tell Gaius where he is.

No, no, says Vello. Where is he?

I don't exactly know, says Belle et Bonne.

Better Not Upset Her

Which way do we go now?  says Arthur.

It's up to you dear, says Mrs Hume. You can take the scenic route through the hills or the awful ugly route though the suburbs.

The awful ugly route sounds good, says Arthur. Which way's that?

 Right, sniffs Mrs Hume.

The sniffing has unexpected results.

Whatever is that smell? says Mrs Hume. It smells like socks. Or cheese.

Cheese, says Arthur, feeling in his pocket.

It really is time he threw that milk away. He rolls the window down and chucks it out.

Arthur dear!, says Mrs Hume. Don't litter.

Arthur puts his foot down hard on the accelerator.

Are you sure you know how to drive? says Mrs Hume.

It's easy, says Arthur. I drove a Jeep last week, my first time ever.

At least you have a licence then, says Mrs Hume.

Oh yes, says Arthur.

Better not upset her even more.

.........

Sweezus and Belle et Bonne are taking the scenic route. It's hard work pedalling up the hills.

At least we don't have to carry the surfboards, says Belle et Bonne.

Yeah, it's brilliant, says Sweezus. But we'll have to carry them on the way back. Lucky we've both got these.

He reaches down and pats his surfboard carrier attachment.

Sweezie, says Belle et Bonne, catching sight of his new yellow leather bracelet. Did Arthur give you that?

Yep, says Sweezus. Cool isn't it.

And you're going to wear it when you go surfing? says Belle.

Course I am, says Sweezus.

Just be careful, says Belle et Bonne. You don't want it to go all stiff.

Dear Belle et Bonne, says Sweezus. Don't tell me that you're jealous!

Of course not, Sweezie dear, says Belle et Bonne. I'm never jealous.

Desperate And Dateless

They wait outside for Belle et Bonne to come back.

Here she comes! says Farky. Why's she still in the car? And who's that with her?

Woah! It's David's mum, says Sweezus.

It is.

Mrs Hume is coming with us, says Belle et Bonne, getting out of the car.

Woah! says Sweezus, again. He hadn't expected this.

Yes, says Mrs Hume. I thought Farky might like a lift, and you could use the car roof rack for the surfboards. And I fancy a nice day out.

Far out! says Sweezus. I mean, that's really kind. Farky, what do you say? Want a lift?

Yes, says Farky, getting in.

Anyone else? says Mrs Hume. I really don't like to drive long distances these days

Sweezus sighs.

Arthur? says Sweezus. Would you like to drive Mrs Hume's car?

Alright, says Arthur. But that means I don't need the bike.

You'll need it when we get there, says Sweezus. Mrs Hume is only staying for the day.

Okay then, says Arthur getting in the car. Just tell me how to get there. Have you got GPS?

No, says Mrs Hume. But I know the way.

.........

Sweezus and Belle et Bonne set off on their bicycles.

Arthur, Farky and Mrs Hume are in the car.

Arthur  reverses down the drive. Squeeeee!

Hear that? says Mrs Hume.

No, says Arthur.

Really? says Mrs Hume. Well I never. Perhaps it's these hearing aids.

........

Sweezus and Belle et Bonne are riding side by side.

It's good seeing Arthur again, says Belle et Bonne.

Yeah, says Sweezus. He took his time getting back.

Do you know why Gaius stayed in Port Augusta? asks Sweezus.

Papa says he stayed for Dry and Spineless, says Belle et Bonne.

Dry and Spineless? says Sweezus. Is that like Desperate and Dateless?

Belle giggles.

No, it's a talk on stick insects, she says.

Finally She Sees It

Sweezus has a bicycle. Arthur doesn't. And Farky can no longer ride. How are they going to get to Middleton?

Sweezus phones Belle et Bonne.

Hey! says Sweezus.

Hey! says Belle et Bonne. Is Arthur with you, by any chance?

Yeah, he is, says Sweezus. How'd you know?

I didn't, says Belle et Bonne. But papa and David are back and they were wondering. Arthur and Gaius missed the train. Gaius stayed in Port Augusta but Arthur's missing.

He's not missing, says Sweezus. He's with me. We're going surfing, but there's only one problem. Two problems actually.

Two! says Belle et Bonne.

Only one bicycle and one surfboard, says Sweezus. I don't suppose.....?

Oh alright, says Belle et Bonne. I'll be right over.

Is she coming? says Farky.

Yeah, says Sweezus. She's coming.

.......

Half an hour later Belle et Bonne arrives in a borrowed car, with two bicycles and a surfboard attached.

Hi Sweezie! Hi Arthur! Hi Farky! Ooh Farky! Get down!

Two bikes? says Sweezus. We only needed one.

 I'm coming too, says Belle et Bonne. But you'll have to wait while I take the car back to David's mum..

She unloads one  bike, and gets back in the car.

See ya, says Belle et Bonne.

She reverses slowly down the drive, then stops. David's mum's car squeals in a horrible fashion.

Hear that? says Belle et Bonne, sticking her head out of the window. Isn't it dreadful?

Is that David's mum's car? says Sweezus. She should get that fixed. Sounds like the rotors.

She's had them cleaned and then replaced, says Belle et Bonne. But it's still making the noise. It's embarrassing.

How? says Arthur. How it it embarrassing?

She doesn't like to make a fuss, says Belle et Bonne.

I would, says Farky.

You WOULD, says Sweezus.

Would YOU? says Belle et Bonne.

Belle, says Sweezus, you know me. Anyway you'd better get moving or we'll never get to Middleton.

He waves her off. She sees the yellow ostrich leather bracelet, on his wrist.

She resolves to have a word when she gets back.

A Brilliant Bush

There is uproar in Commercial Road. All the shop fronts have been tagged by Splosh!

Gustave is not helping. He is going from window to window, wall to wall, with his Novelist's Notebook.

He is writing down all the comments that he hears from the volunteers.

They are not what he has been expecting.

Shit! says Matt, the organiser. What the fuck?

Yeah, says one of the shop owners. (Let's call him Vince). As if Splosh! tags likes that!

Here comes another shop owner.(Let's call her Lilian).

These have been done by an impostor, says Lilian. Splosh! isn't even into tags these days.

I know, says Vince. These days she's doing pubes.

Yeah, says Matt.  Have you seen her latest? It's a brilliant bush, growing out of a crack in a wall. She did the legs. So simple.

Gustave retreats. Gaius comes over with his dripping sponge.

It was YOU! says Gaius. Why did you do it!

I like to irritate the regional bourgeoisie and capture their reactions, says Gustave. But this time it's gone wrong.

Craig appears behind them.

Ha! says Craig . You think we're regional bourgeoisie, don't you? You don't know Port Augusta. We are all tolerant and cosmopolitan these days.

I must apologise for my friend, says Gaius. He met Splosh! and fell in love with her last year. But she ran off with a young performer in the Fringe. Since then he hasn't been the same.

That's quite alright, says Craig. I understand. We'll get these tags off in a jiffy. No hard feelings eh? And don't forget to come to Dry and Spineless on the weekend, if you're into natural history.

Gaius smiles a watery smile and Gustave glowers.

Thank you, Craig, says Gaius. We'll be there.

Moral Issues Of Our Time

As luck would have it the famous dog is home.

He shuffles out of the kitchen.

This is Farky, says Sweezus. Farky, this is Arthur.

Farky sniffs the air.

What's this? says Farky. I smell ostrich leather.

Yeah, Arthur brought me a present, says Sweezus. Look!

He waves the yellow ostrich leather bracelet in front of Farky.

Huh! says Farky. So an ostrich had to die.

Woah, heavy, says Sweezus. It's nice though.

Farky looks at Arthur, as one looks at a worm.

It was a present, says Arthur. He likes it. Anyway I bet you've got a leather collar.

Grrr, says Farky.  That's where you're wrong. I don't wear a collar.

Sweezus doesn't like how this is going.

You guys, says Sweezus. You have something in common.

What? says Farky. What do we have in common?

Bad knees, says Sweezus.

Farky changes his demeanour instantly. He sniffs at Arthur's knees.

One of them is bad, says Farky. Very bad. Don't ride a bike. That's how I got mine.

..........

Meanwhile in Port Augusta it's nearly six o'clock, time for the big Commercial Road Spring Clean.

Gaius and Gustave have turned up to take part.

There are water trucks, boxes of sponges, squeegees and ladders, and many willing hands.

Come on guys, let's make these shop fronts sparkle, says Matt, the organiser.

Gaius picks up a sponge.

He walks over to a dirty-looking wall covered with squiggly tags in thick black texta.

The tags are all the same. He tries to decipher them.

It looks like........Splosh!

Suspiciously he looks at Gustave, who is smirking.

Dry and Spineless

Craig has come back. He is surprised to see Flaubert instead of Arthur.

Where's your young friend? asks Craig.

Oh there you are, says Gaius. I expect Arthur to come back any minute, telling me we've missed the train, all thanks to you.

You didn't enjoy Wadlata Outback Centre? says Craig.

That's not the point, says Gaius. My things are on that train. Two irreplaceable Middle Sized Claws, not to mention my notebook and several pencils.

Don't worry, says Craig. I'll give Stacey a call. She'll find 'em.

You know Stacey? says Gaius. Oho! I smell a rat.

A rat? says Flaubert, getting out his notebook.

No, no, says Craig. There is no rat. I like to think I'm a good ambassador for Port Augusta. If you've missed the train, stay on. There are some good events coming up this week.

What are they? asks Flaubert. I'm willing to join in.

A grand community cleanup, that's on tomorrow, and Dry and Spineless on the weekend says Craig. You've picked a good week to be here.

Gaius looks doubtful, Flaubert looks keen.

............

Arthur has been dropped off in Adelaide. He heads to Sweezus's place.

Knock knock.

Sweezus opens the door.

Arthur! says Sweezus. Where the hell have you been? Did you find the Impossible Varan?

No, says Arthur. But I brought you this.

He hands Sweezus the gift-wrapped box.

Wow! Thanks! says Sweezus, ripping off the paper. Nobody ever gives me presents. Oh man, this is awesome. A leather bracelet with a silver stud!

He puts it on, and waves his arm about to look at it from different angles.

It's ostrich leather, says Arthur.

Cool, says Sweezus. A yellow ostrich. I love it!

Sorry I was away so long, says Arthur. It was one thing after another.

I know, says Sweezus. It was the same for me. Exams. Bloody creative writing. But now exams are over. Let's go surfing!

Yes, says Arthur. Let's go surfing. But first I want to meet your famous dog.

Two Breakfasts And A Dog

Sweezus! Are you KIDDING! says Emma. We KNOW him!

What's this nonsense? says mum.

We played Paintball with him once at Professor Freud's, says Irma. You wouldn't know him, mum. How come you know him, Arthur?

We rode together in the Tour de France, says Arthur.

Wow! says Emma. Did you guys both take drugs?

No, says Arthur. No one in our team had any.

But you wouldn't have if you had, says dad.

We would have if we had, says Arthur. But we hadn't so we couldn't.

Emma giggles.

Irma giggles too.

Sweezus was a wimp, says Emma. Remember how he had a toothache. We had to give him mushy Weetbix for his breakfast. And he had that fight with Professor Freud about the splatter rule, and then he got disqualified.

Yeah, says Irma, it was HIL-AR-I-OUS!

Mum is concerned to learn that her daughters have been serving strange men breakfast. She looks at dad. But dad is paying attention to the road.

Arthur is astonished to learn that Sweezus is a wimp, and bad at Paintball. The man he rode with in the Tour de France was not like that.

Perhaps it wasn't him, says Arthur. There must be lots of men called Sweezus. The one who was my team mate has a dog called Farky.

That's absolutely him, says Irma.

..............

Back in the Wadlata Outback Centre, Gaius and Gustave have spent a pleasant afternoon together tapping out Morse Code, pretending to be Flying Doctors and going down the mines. They have examined the models of the Ediacaran fossils and learned the Dreamtime story of Akurra the Giant Snake, who formed the springs and waterholes and gorges of the Flinders Ranges as he dragged his bloated belly home.

Now they are having coffee in the Outback Tuckerbox.

How long are you in Port Augusta, Gustave? asks Gaius. And tell me why you're here.

I'm gathering material for a novel, says Gustave. You know my style. Realism. I want it to be gritty.

I could tell you a story, says Gaius. This morning Arthur and I were locked inside a walk-in pantry by a local chap who'd invited us to breakfast.

That's just the sort of thing that never happens to me, says Gustave. My life is dull, dull, dull.

Stick with me, says Gaius. I think he's coming back.

Coded Jokes And Guesses

Gustave Flaubert! says Gaius. What are you doing here?

The same as you, says Gustave. I've just got off the train.

Train, what train? says Gaius.

The Ghan, says Gustave. The one that came through here this morning.

Good heavens! says Gaius. That means I've missed it, and my claws are still on board.!

Same old Gaius, I see, says Gustave. What claws are these?

Never mind, mutters Gaius. I'll have to write a letter to the Lost Property Office. Well, it's good to see you Gustave! Did you think I had forgotten you? Of course I hadn't. My memory is generally considered faultless.

Perhaps your intellect is at fault then, says Gustave. I mean that message in Morse Code!

SEND REINFORCEMENTS? What's wrong with it? says Gaius. It's a joke. Perhaps you aren't aware?

The joke's on you, says Gustave.

No, no, says Gaius. It goes like this. SEND REINFORCEMENTS WE'RE GOING TO ADVANCE becomes, after a series of misinterpretations, SEND THREE AND FOURPENCE WE'RE GOING TO A DANCE!  Very comical. Do you see it now?

But Gaius, says Flaubert, that wouldn't  happen in Morse Code. REINFORCEMENTS doesn't in the slightest resemble THREE AND FOURPENCE in Morse Code.

You're right, it doesn't! says Gaius. Lucky you turned up.

Are you on your own? asks Gustave.

No, I'm travelling with Arthur, says Gaius. He's my right hand man. He's gone ahead. I wonder if he caught the train?

It went through at about ten thirty, says Gustave.

Then Arthur's missed it too, says Gaius. That means he'll be back.

..........

But Arthur won't be back.

He is halfway to Adelaide, travelling in the back seat of a Jeep between the twins.

They are trying to guess what his gift-wrapped gift is.

Animal, vegetable or mineral? asks Irma.

Animal, says Arthur.

Yuk! says Emma.

With a mineral stud, says Arthur.

Arthur, says mum, you're not supposed to volunteer information.

We still don't know what it is, says Irma.

I bet I do, says mum. Is it leather?

Yes, says Arthur.

It's a bracelet, says mum.

Yes, it is, says Arthur.

Now let's guess who it's for, says Emma. Man or woman?

Man, says Arthur.

Your boyfriend? says Irma.

That's enough, Irma, says dad.

Arthur's got a boyfriend, sings Emma.

Jeeesus! says dad.

Good guess, Reg,  says Arthur. But he's not my boyfriend. And he calls himself Sweezus now.

What Lies Hidden

Gaius is back in the Tunnel of Time, tapping out a message on the Morse Code machine.

SEND REINFORCEMENTS WE'RE GOING TO ADVANCE

Another visitor to the Tunnel of Time is watching him.

I see you are a military man, says the other visitor.

Indeed, says Gaius. I was, in times gone by.

But you have a bad memory, says the visitor.

Gaius looks up.

Why did he say that?

........


Arthur has escaped from Wadlata and arrived at the Port Augusta Station

He hears the bad news. He has missed the train.

.......

Arthur walks down the highway.

He walks and walks.

Several trucks pass him. None of them stop.

A Jeep passes.

It slows down. It stops.

Arthur runs up to the Jeep.

I KNEW it would be Arthur! cries Irma.  Look dad, it's Arthur. Can we give him a lift?

Sure, get in, Arthur, says dad. It's a bit of a squeeze.

Arthur gets in the back with the twins.

Fancy seeing you, Arthur, says mum. Weren't you going back on the train?

We were, says Arthur, but we drank turps by mistake and there was a snake on the train and they stopped to let it off but we all felt sick so I had to break a window so we could get out and throw up and then ......

That's enough Arthur, says mum. The girls don't want to hear that.

Yes we do, says Emma. Did you throw up, Arthur?

Yes, says Arthur. All over the track.

Emma looks impressed.

Irma feels something hard in Arthur's shorts.

Ouch! says Irma. What's that in your pocket?

A present for someone, says Arthur.

He takes out the gift wrapped box.

It's wrapped in yellow paper and tied with a purple bow.

Wow! says Irma. Is that for your girlfriend?

No, says Arthur. It's for someone I've let down.

Everyone is silent, wondering who it is that Arthur has let down.

Yellow Ostrich Leather

What do you recommend I have then, Arthur? asks Gaius.

Try the Bushman's Burger, says Arthur. And the Mars Bar Cheesecake's nice.

Gaius orders the Bushman's Burger and the Native Quondong Cheesecake, just to be different.

He sits down next to Arthur to wait for his lunch.

You came out of the Tunnel of Time early, remarks Gaius.

Arthur thinks that remark is funny.

You came out of the Tunnel of Time late, he says.

Gaius thinks that remark is silly.

But Arthur doesn't care. His knees are telling him it's time to move on.

I think I'll go and look for the railway station, he says. There might be news about the train.

You go then, says Gaius. I'm going back to the Tunnel after lunch. There's so much more to do. Use Morse Code, become a  Flying Doctor, tour the Moomba gas plant, and go underground at Roxby Downs. And I want a closer look at the Ediacaran fossils......

Bye then, says Arthur, getting up to leave.

Goodbye, says Gaius, whose Bushman's Burger has just arrived.

Good choice, the Bushman's Burger, says Pauline, who happens to be passing. Enjoy! And you Arthur, finished already? Are you ready to go back in?

I'm not going back in, says Arthur. I'm going to the station.

Oh don't leave yet, says Pauline, looking alarmed. Don't worry about your train. Craig said it won't be here for ages. You must visit the gift shop. We have some lovely things. You can buy some souvenirs.

Arthur remembers that he still has fifty dollars.

Alright, says Arthur. He goes into the gift shop, for a look around.

Socks, ties, scarves, with aboriginal designs. No. Carved wooden artifacts. No.

What to spend his money on?

Then he sees an ostrich leather bracelet, made by a local artist. It is yellow and it closes with a silver stud.

Arthur likes the yellow ostrich leather bracelet. It's price is forty nine ninety five.

He feels around in his pocket for the note.

Is it there?

It is.

Arthur buys the bracelet, and has it gift wrapped.

But what a mystery! Who's it for?

Cats, Snakes, Dogs and Mars Bar Cheesecake

Uncertainty principle! cries Spinoza. What's this uncertainty principle?

David thinks he knows.

I know, he says. It's says if you know how fast something's going, you don't know where it is.

Nonsense, says Spinoza.

(and we really must agree; this surely only applies to quantum particles).

No, it's about a cat in a box, says Vello. There's poison in the box. It might have killed the cat. But you can't see inside the box so you don't know if it has. According to quantum mechanics the cat is both alive and dead at the same time. A lovely paradox!

Ageless is outraged. As you would be if you had to travel in a picnic basket.

I should think the cat would know! shouts Ageless.

So should I! says Spinoza. At least we agree on something.

The passenger behind him laughs.

...........

Arthur and Gaius have entered the Tunnel of Time.

Arthur is surprised. He sees another giant snake with glowing red eyes and white fangs suspended from the ceiling. Akurra the Rainbow Serpent from the Dreamtime.

Also rather lame.

He decides to head back out and find the Outback Tuckerbox.

Gaius on the other hand is rapt. The Tunnel of Time leads him back through fifteen million years of history. He follows Akurra the Rainbow Serpent back into the Green Time when dinosaurs roamed the earth and animals spoke and spirits were active everywhere. He does not even think that this is weird.

He sees early explorers, camels, ships, horses, bikes and cattle opening up the land. Early settlers, bullockies and wheat. The bush telegraph, trains, mining, and the pedal radio.

There are didgeridoo loudspeakers. Wonderful. Rumble rumble go the speakers.....

No, wait, that's his tummy. He decides to get a Passout and come back after lunch.

He doubles back to find the Outback Tuckerbox.

There is Arthur, looking bored, picking at some crumbs of Mars Bar Cheesecake.

What's to eat? says Gaius, looking at the menu. Drovers Dog Special. I'll have that!

No, says Arthur. I don't recommend that you have that.

Disagreements In The Tunnel Of Time

Ten thirty a.m.

Craig arrives at Wadlata Outback Centre, with Arthur and Gaius in tow. Craig asks to see the manager, a friend of his.

Pauline comes out of her office.

Craig! says Pauline. How do?

Good, Pauline, says Craig, Look I've brought a couple of friends in for a visit. Can you do a special price?

No, says Pauline. Can't do a special price. Not since the million dollar upgrade. Unless they're seniors.

She looks at Gaius.

Or children.

She looks at Arthur.

No? That's sixteen fifty each then. But seeing it's you Craig, I'll give them each a coffee voucher for the Outback Tuckerbox.

Thanks Pauline, says Craig.

He pays the thirty three dollars and gives Arthur and Gaius their tickets and two coffee vouchers for the Outback Tuckerbox.

Okay guys, I'll leave you to enjoy, says Craig. You go in through that giant snake's head over there. That's the entrance to the Tunnel of Time. Everyone says it's awesome. You can spend all day and still you won't see everything.... you even can get a Passout to come back another time.

Arthur walks towards the giant snake's head.  It seems you go in through the open mouth between the pointy teeth.

How lame.

Don't you think it's lame, he says to Gaius.

Gaius has been thinking that it's rather clever.

So the poet and the natural historian enter the Tunnel of Time with somewhat different points of view.

.............

Ten thirty five a.m

The Ghan has now rolled out of Port Augusta Station.

David and Vello have left their seats to look for Arthur and Gaius, who they are sure must be on board.

It is a very long train after all, says David. Just because we didn't see them getting on....

Yes, yes, says Vello. They're sure to be on board.

They enter the carriage where Spinoza and Ageless are carrying on a ding-dong philosophical dispute.

Everyone in the carriage is listening to them, and some are wondering where the voice of Ageless can be coming from.

Time! splutters Spinoza. Who do you think you are, Lobster Einstein?

Just saying, says Ageless reasonably. It's very easy to say something was meant to happen when it's already happened. But what about before?

You miss the point entirely, says Spinoza. There can be no before or after. Time is eternal.

Someone sitting behind Spinoza decides to chip in.

That's rubbish surely. 'There can be no before or after'. That's rich coming from someone on a train.

An irrelevant practicality, says Spinoza.

Ageless laughs rudely.

Hello Baruch. Hello Ageless, says David. We meet again! Have you seen Gaius and Arthur?

No, says Ageless. I think they've missed the train.

Don't worry, says Spinoza. I've just been explaining .....

Not very well, says the passenger from behind. In fact I'd say this is a very good example of the uncertainty principle.......

.........

Oh dear. How long is this journey?

Leave Philosophy to Philosophers

Eight forty five a.m.

Arthur and Gaius have been locked in Craig's pantry for just over half an hour. They have eaten all the Coco Pops and several of the stale chocolate croissants.

Craig is in the kitchen thinking things through.

He is thinking: They're very quiet in there.

Next he is thinking: They are capable of stealing knives and breaking windows and I've locked them in my pantry. Who knows what they might do?

Finally he concludes: The wife won't like it. They'll be better out than in.

He unlocks the door of the pantry.

Where were you? says Gaius. We couldn't get out.

Sorry, says Craig. I was out the back. Pantry door sticks sometimes. Come on out.

Arthur and Gaius come out.

I see you found the Coco Pops, says Craig.

We couldn't find a tin opener, says Gaius. Otherwise I would have had sardines.

Craig is glad his wife doesn't keep the tin opener in the pantry. They might not have seen their tin opener again.

Would you like a cuppa? says Craig. I'll put the kettle on. After that I'll show you round the town. How'd you like to go to Wadlata?

Arthur shrugs. Why not? He'd like to see the spooky giant snake.

Are there any fossils there, by any chance? asks Gaius.

Are there any FOSSILSs? says Craig. My oath there are!

He puts the kettle on.

............

Nine fifty five a.m.

The train rolls in to Port Augusta Station, not very late at all.

David and Vello are waiting on the platform, with their bicycles. The train stops. They get on. They hope they don't see Stacey. They don't. They find two empty seats.

........

Ten a.m.

Ageless and Spinoza are in another carriage two down from there. It's full, but Spinoza has managed to get a window seat, and Ageless is in the picnic basket on the floor beside Spinoza's feet.

Lift me up, says Ageless. I want to look out of the window. I want to see the others get back on.

Spinoza lifts him up so he can look out of the window.

I see David and Vello, says Ageless, but not Gaius and not Arthur.

Don't worry, says Spinoza. Everything will be alright.

That's your philosophy is it? says Ageless. Well it's a crap one.

Excuse ME! says Spinoza, it's a good one. Everything has worked out fine so far, according to a predetermined plan.

Are you sure, says Ageless, that doesn't just SEEM to be the case? Is it not all dependent on the precise timing at which you form your point of view?

Leave the philosophy to me, retorts Spinoza. And get back in the picnic basket. Stacey's coming.

Stuffed and Hidden Agendas

Eight fifteen a.m.

Having locked Gaius and Arthur in the pantry, Craig calls Stacey, who is a relative of his.

Stace! says Craig. What's happening with the train?

Just a short delay because of a broken window, says Stacey. Why do you want to know?

Are any of your passengers missing? asks Craig. A Frenchman and a natural historian perhaps?

Yes, says Stacey. That will be Arthur Rimbaud and Gaius Plinius Secundus. Have they turned up already?

I gave them a lift, says Craig. But then I got suspicious. Why aren't they on the train?

Long story, says Stacey. They stole a knife, they dropped some dangerous pencils, and it was one of them that broke the window. What have you done with them?

I've locked them in the pantry, says Craig.

Do me a favour Craig, says Stacey. Keep them there until this afternoon.

............

Eight sixteen a.m.

Inside the pantry, Arthur and Gaius are concerned.

Was it the wind? asks Gaius, staring at the inside of the pantry door.

Probably, says Arthur. I'll try and push it open.

He pushes, but it's locked.

It's locked, says Arthur. But look, chocolate croissants! My favourite.

Sure enough there is a packet of chocolate croissants on a shelf inside the door.

Is there anything to open a tin of sardines? asks Gaius. Because if there isn't I'll have Coco Pops. That is if there's any milk.

I've got milk says Arthur, feeling in his pocket.

That cheesy milk! says Gaius. No thank you. We really must get out. Let's shout for Craig.

They shout, but nothing happens.

...........

Nine a.m.

David and Vello have finally reached Port Augusta. They are having breakfast at McDonalds for the first time in their lives. They are pleasantly surprised to find that McDonalds provides a free newspaper and the coffee isn't bad.

David reads the paper.

Vello looks out of the window at the empty road.

They finish their McMuffins and ask directions to the station.

.....

Nine thirty a.m.

On the train all is bustle. The passengers from the carriage with the broken window are being moved to one that is intact. There are only two of them, Ageless and Spinoza, and Ageless doesn't count.

The trainee sweeps up the claws and broken pencils, and drops them in a bin.

The train moves off.

Mistrust Sets In

It's not long before mistrust sets in.

Three days? mouths Gaius to Arthur, in the back seat of Craig's car.

Three days? Arthur mouths back, raising an eyebrow.

Craig too is suspicious of his passengers. Why did they get off the train?

No one speaks. It seems awkward.

Much to do in Port Augusta? says Gaius. I've never been.

Yes, yes, lots to do, says Craig.

What for example? says Gaius.

What do you like? asks Craig.

I am a natural historian says Gaius. And Arthur here is French.

Wadlata Outback Centre! says Craig. Everyone likes that. They have this big spooky snake.

Gaius looks at Arthur.

Certainly, certainly, says Gaius. Just drop us off there if you like.

It's too early, says Craig. And you're having breakfast at my place. We Port Augustans are like that. Good-hearted. Generous. Friendly.

Fifteen minutes later they pull up in Craig's drive.

Come in, says Craig. Make yourselves at home. What do natural historians and Frenchmen like for breakfast? We've recently come into some money so our pantry is full. Go in and have a look round.

Arthur and Gaius walk into Craig's well-stocked pantry.

Spanish sardines! says Gaius. That's what I'll have.

Any chocolate croissants? asks Arthur hopefully.

Can't see any, says Gaius. I'll just.....Hey!

The door of the pantry slams shut.

Three or Four Types of Luck

Ageless settles comfortably into the seat next to Spinoza.

I suppose you do have a ticket? says Stacey.

No, says Ageless. I was travelling in the picnic basket as food.

You'd better get back in it then, says Stacey.

But I'm not really food, says Ageless.

No, he isn't says Spinoza, backing him up. I packed him as a favour, not food.

And I'm a vegetarian, says Stacey. But if he doesn't have a ticket, back in the basket he goes.

Ageless clambers down into the basket, paradise lost.

And the train isn't moving.

He thinks: O for the open road.
..........

Dawn is breaking on the open road.

Local business man Craig is driving towards Port Augusta, on his way home.

What's this ahead? Two cyclists, two walkers. You don't see that often out here.

He drives past them. Pulls up.

........

Five minutes later, there are only two cyclists on the road.

Lucky Gaius and Arthur, says Vello, with a sigh.

What's that supposed to mean? asks David testily.

You know very well, says Vello. If you hadn't insisted on having our bicycles, we would have got a lift too.

I can't be expected to think of everything, says David. Look on the bright side.

What is it? asks Vello.

Beautiful morning, you and me, bikes, it's just like old times, says David.

And no breakfast, thinks Vello.

O for the train.

..........

Arthur and Gaius are in the back of Craig's car, heading towards Port Augusta.

They've told him the story of the broken train window, leaving out who broke the window.

Hmmm, says Craig, that'll take time to get fixed. They'll have to call someone out from the town, and they'll have to take measurements, and it'll need special glass. I reckon you guys'll be in Port Augusta for three days at least.

Arthur looks glum. So does Gaius.

Come to my house for brekky, says Craig. I'll put you up. The wife and kids won't be home till next Thursday.

O for kind people like that.

Has Ageless Died And Gone To Heaven?

What shall we do now? says Gaius.

Spinoza's in there. Attract his attention, says Vello.

Arthur throws a rock through the window.

Spinoza looks out.

Goodbye, says Spinoza. I think we're about to move off.

Help us back in, says Vello. There's a good chap.

No, says Spinoza. I have already thought through the logic. I didn't interfere when you went out through the window. So I ought not to help you back in.

Inferior logic, says David. You have not taken into account the passing of time.

Yes I have, says Spinoza.  That's why I didn't get off.

At least call Stacey, says Vello. She'll let us in.

But Stacey is already there, inspecting the broken window.

She puts her head out gingerly.

I told you boys not to get off, she says.

Yes, yes, says Vello, but we did. In these sorts of circumstances, what generally happens?

These sorts of circumstances don't generally happen, says Stacey. But I can't let you back on. We're not at a station. Trains have regulations you know.

So we have to walk to the next station? says Arthur. Where's that?

Port Augusta, says Stacey. It actually isn't that far. And you have plenty of time because we'll have to wait here until someone comes out to mend the window.

It's outrageous! says David. We have THINGS on the train. Our bicycles.....can we have them?

Alright, says Stacey. I'll get the trainee to chuck them out at the back.

She looks down at the sad little party. She sees where they've thrown up in the dirt. Surely one bottle of retsina........?

Ageless in particular looks pathetic. It's a talent of his.

She relents, after all he is a lobster.

Hand Ageless up through the window, she says. There's no specific rule against that.

Lucky Ageless. Arthur lifts him up to be received by Stacey's gentle fingers, and her welcoming smile.

The rest of the party trudge to the back of the train to pick up the bikes.

Whatever You Do Don't Get Off

The train lurches to a halt.

That isn't supposed to happen.

Stacey's head appears round the door of the carriage.

We're just ditching the snake, she says. Whatever you do, don't get off.

But David, Vello, Arthur, Gaius and Ageless feel dizzy and nauseous from drinking the turps, and are disinclined to obey.

Let's get off for a minute, says Vello. We need some fresh air.

Spinoza looks doubtful. But he hasn't drunk any turps.

How do we get off? asks David. Aren't the doors locked?

Break the window, says Arthur.

Arthur knows all about trains.

Spinoza looks even more doubtful. Should he go and tell Stacey what's brewing?

He sits down in the seat which Ageless has vacated. Ouch! He sits on The Great Philosophers.

This reminds him of his better self. What would he do? He would not interfere with the determinations of others. No doubt everything was unfolding as it should.

Arthur breaks a window, and everyone but Spinoza clambers out.

It's dark. They stand beside the train where the rocks meet the dirt..

 Bahloo the Moon gleams down upon the train tracks. There is a slithering sound as of snakes.

But does anyone hear it? No, they are all throwing up.

Bahloo the Moon beams. Foolish men.

The train gives a lurch and a hiss.

Golly, says David. Had we better get back on?

Yes, says Vello. We had better get back on.

They stare up at the broken window.

It looks a great deal higher from where they stand now.

To Ageless it looks even higher.

How Drink Makes You Melancholy

The trainee glares down at Spinoza.

Not you again! says the trainee.

No, says Spinoza, not me.

He wonders if that's the right answer.

If you're drunk I shall have to report you, says the trainee, stepping neatly over Spinoza, and proceeding to the end of the carriage where Stacey is admiring her zircon.

Stacey... says the trainee.

There you are, says Stacey. I want a word with you. You left this bottle and this oily rag in the bin. Please take it away.

But Stacey, I have to report.....says the trainee.

That man down there? It's just cough medicine, says Stacey, if that's what you have to report.

No, not that, says the trainee. There's a snake on the train.

Then why aren't you in more of a hurry? says Stacey.

It's sleeping, says the trainee.

Stacey and the trainee go off to deal with the snake.

Vindicated! says Arthur. There's a snake on the train. Zircons don't work and that proves it.

Hear hear, says David.

Nonsense, says Gaius. Stacey will deal with it, now she has the zircon.

Hee hee! says Vello. We'll soon see. Who's got the retsina?

They pass round the bottle.

Eeeeuuch! says Ageless. That is foul!

He burps and turns melancholy.

Ahhh, sighs Ageless. Oh to be home. How I miss Kobo. I wonder what she's reading now? Probably something on sand.....

Vello turns melancholy too.

You are fortunate to have Kobo, he says. I have no one.

You have Belle et Bonne, says David, who has also turned melancholy. It's I who have no one.

You have your mother, says Vello.

And she has a squeaking car, says David gloomily. Every time she reverses. I'm sure I won't know how to fix it.

Spinoza limps up with the bottle.

Anyone for retsina? he asks.

But it's here, says Vello. He looks at the bottle,

Oh no! It's the turps they've been drinking.

No wonder they're all feeling bad.

Chaos on the Night Train

What's that smell? asks David, waking up from his dream.

Pooh! says Vello. Smells like turps.

Spinoza comes back, with a bottle,  followed by Stacey.

What is that smell? says Stacey, heading straight for the bin. She looks in.

Tch! THAT'S where he left it, she says. That dopey trainee!

She reaches into the bin and pulls out an oily rag wrapped round a bottle of turps.

Sorry about that everyone, she says. No wonder you all couldn't sleep.

Where's the zircon? asks Gaius. Is the zircon in there?

Zircon, what zircon? asks Stacey. There's nothing else there.

Not that bin, says Arthur. The other one.

Gaius opens the other one.

Let me out, says the zircon, from deep inside.

Gaius picks up the zircon.

A zircon! says Stacey. I always wanted a zircon.

You can have it, says Arthur. It's  yours.

The zircon beams up at Stacey.

No snakes on your train from now on, says the zircon.

Stacey looks happy about that.

Hurrah! says Vello. No snakes on the train! Let's celebrate. Who's got something to drink?

I have, says Spinoza. Stacey found this. He waves his bottle in front of Vello.

What is it? says Vello, trying to look at the label. Retsina?

Yes, says Stacey. He wanted something piney and strong.

Let's all have some, says Arthur. Let's drink out of the bottle.

They pass the bottle around.

Haaaaa-aah! very strong, is retsina.

Spinoza is the first to get legless.

Whee-hee! says Spinoza, running up and down the aisle, skipping lightly over Gaius's claws, but having worse luck with the rolling pencils.

Whoops! Bang! He's on the floor with his legs in the air, just as the trainee walks in.

Wonderful Stuff Pine Tar

Spinoza sits down.

Tar water, says Gaius. I know everything there is to know about tar water.

I don't so much want to know about it, says Spinoza. I want to obtain some of it.

But Gaius isn't listening.

I imagine you read about it in Berkeley, says Gaius. Berkeley got his ideas from me. The ancients used pine tar for numerous purposes. Stopping up bottles, keeping their boats afloat,  flavouring wine, curing ulcers, and preventing their goats from eating young trees .......

Yes, but... says Spinoza. I have a bad cough. I need some to stop myself coughing.

I swear by extra strong mints, says Gaius.

Do you have any of those? asks Spinoza.

Just let me see, says Gaius. He stands up. His notes, pencils and claws drop into the aisle.

He feels around in his pockets.

No, he says. I seem to have sucked the last one.

Then I must go and find Stacey, says Spinoza.

He goes to the end of the carriage and disappears through the door.

Gaius is still standing. He looks down the carriage and sees the antennae of Ageless, sticking up from the seat next to Arthur. He decides to walk down for a chat.

Not asleep then, you two? says Gaius.

No, says Arthur.  I can't sleep.

And you, Ageless, says Gaius. You're higher than usual. I saw from from way back down there.

I'm sitting on The Great Philosophers, says Ageless.

Which Spinoza was reading, if I'm not mistaken, says Gaius. Now he's gone off to look for some tar water,  recommended by Berkeley but of course Berkeley got it from me. Wonderful stuff pine tar.... keeps off insects and poisonous snakes.....

Tell that to your zircon, Arthur, says Ageless.

Can't, says Arthur. I threw it away.

Ageless is shocked. So is Gaius.

In the bin over there, says Arthur, pointing carelessly.

Gaius opens the metal lid of the bin.

A smell wafts out. A stringent and powerful smell.

An Irish Philosopher

Spinoza is reading intently.

Arthur has nothing to read.

What's that you're reading? asks Arthur.

Spinoza continues to read.

The Great Philosophers, says a voice from the picnic basket.

Arthur looks down and sees Ageless.

That's your book, says Arthur, surprised.

He's borrowed it, says Ageless. He's in it, that's why.

He's been reading for hours, says Arthur. It must be a  riveting read.

Spinoza looks up from The Great Philosophers.

It is, says Spinoza. But it demands concentration. Do be quiet.

Sorry, says Arthur. Who are you up to?

Berkeley, says Baruch Spinoza.

He any good? asks Arthur.

Spinoza sighs heavily, which sets off his cough.

Ir..ish! he chokes.

Irish? says Arthur, patting him hard on the back. Are you asking for whiskey, or Irish Moss lozenges?

What? says Spinoza. No, no. Berkeley is Irish. His philosophical method is to conduct a series of thought experiments. But that is not what interests me as much as his recommendation of tar water.

Tar water, says Arthur. Never heard of it. For what?

Everything, says Spinoza. According to him it cures smallpox, ulcers, dropsy, distempers, indigestion and coughs.

You should ask Stacey if she's got any, says Arthur.

Do you think she will have? asks Spinoza.

No, says Arthur. But you may as well try.

Spinoza gets up and walks down the carriage until oops! He trips over Gaius's foot.

Whaaa! Gaius wakes up.

Sorry, says Spinoza. Your foot was sticking out.

No it wasn't, says Gaius.

Something was, says Spinoza.

Where are you going anyway, at this time of night? asks Gaius.

What a ridiculous question, says Spinoza. But the answer is not what you think.

What do I think? asks Gaius, confused.

I'm going to ask Stacey for some tar water, says Spinoza.

Tar water! Now Gaius is properly awake

Then go no further, my friend, says Gaius. Sit down.

U.P.: up; A Curious Night On The Train

Vello wants to tell someone.

Not David. He's still asleep.

Not Arthur. He already knows.

Not Spinoza. You don't tell a determinist anything.

That leaves Gaius. He makes his way down the carriage.

U before O, says Vello. It's quite obvious now to me why.

Really? says Gaius. What do you mean?

I heard you and David ejaculating vowels in a perfectly natural order, says Vello. This occurred as a drama unfolded for each of you. Waking, in your case, and in David's, while he was asleep. You both ended with O. Or rather Ooooh!, which, granted, is different, but not all that much. So Arthur was mirroring a climactic effect. Which is why O comes last in his poem.

Well, well, says Gaius. If you say so.  

Good. Vello hasn't mentioned the knife. But what was that about David? Never mind.....Best to steer away from all that.

It's like U.P.: up, says Vello. It took me a long time to get that.

You pee up? says Gaius, shocked.

Yes, in James Joyce's Ulysses, says Vello. Oh well, nightie night.

He goes back to his seat and sits down.

Before settling under his blanket he reaches forward and taps Arthur.

What is it? says Arthur.

U.P.: up, says Vello, winking.

Arthur is pleased Vello is talking to him again. But why did he say You pee up?

Of course he refuses to ask.

But now Arthur can't sleep. 

He leans forward and taps Baruch Spinoza. 

Can I sit next to you? he asks.

I'm reading, says Baruch Spinoza. But you can if you promise to keep quiet.

Just want to ask you something, says Arthur. Why would somebody say You pee up?

Who says I pee up? asks Spinoza.

Not you, me, says Arthur.

You....pee....up, says Spinoza.

Spinoza is not one of the world's great thinkers for nothing.

Oh! U. P.: up! says Spinoza. That's how you spell it. And there's the double meaning of course.

Arthur is silent. He knows how to spell it, but what is the double intent?

See What I Did There?

Gaius racks his brain for a clue.

It was Arthur who purloined the knife. Why didn't they think it was him?

Aah! says Gaius. What makes you think it was me?

This! says Stacey, pointing at Gaius's notes.

Sure enough, there is a perfect drawing of the glittering knife, bearing the logo of the National Railways.

Eeh! says Gaius. Aii!

He has incriminated himself. Why did he have to draw tools? The claws alone would have sufficed.

He rummages in his pocket. He finds the glittering knife, and draws it out. The trainee grabs it with a gloved hand and examines it closely.

Uuh! says the trainee, it's dirty.

And blunt, says Stacey severely.

My apologies, says Gaius. It was all in the interests of science.

Well, at least you've given it back, says Stacey, walking away.

Gaius sinks back into his seat, uttering a groan.

Oooooh! How embarrassing.

Have Vello and David been listening?

Vello is half asleep, half awake. His mind races with reasons why Arthur might have put U before O. He remembers vaguely something he wrote once in his Elemens de la Philosophie de Newton. What was it again? Something about an inverse relationship between the wavelength of light and the wavelength of sound.........

David is asleep beside Vello. He seems to be having a dream.

Aah! says David.  Eeh!

Vello elbows his friend.

Yie... yawns David, half waking up.

Go back to sleep, says Vello. You were dreaming.

Uhh... says David. He goes back to sleep and resumes the sweet dream.

Vello is drowsy.

He is nearly asleep.

Then....

Ohh! David ejaculates loudly.

And Vello gets it at last.