Delights of the Billabong

There was a sign above the open gate.

Gemtree Caravan Park, Arthur read aloud.

Wh......whaaat? stuttered Ageless.

Caravan park, repeated Arthur. Do you want to go in?

Ageless sniffed the air weakly, casting his eyeballs around.

Ye..es, he said. I smell water.

Arthur walked up the dirt track to the office.

My friend here needs water, he said.

The manager looked hard at Ageless.

Your friend doesn't look too well. Take him down to the billabong, he said, pointing out the direction. Then come back and check in.

Hurry up, Arthur! groaned Ageless.

Arthur dashed out of the door, dragging Ageless.

They soon reached the billabong. It was big and deep with wood ducks floating on the surface, and one black swan. Tiny spangled grunters darted through the sunlit ripples.

Arthur dropped Ageless in.

Ageless drifted gratefully to the bottom hoping to land on some pebbles and grit.

Are you alright down there? shouted Arthur, at the bubble stream rising from Ageless.

Ageless burst up to the surface again.

Damn billabong's lined with PLASTIC! he croaked.

So much the better, said Arthur, not knowing much about lobsters. It keeps the water in.

Crick crick! went Ageless. I'm not moulting here. Arghh!

You are though, said Arthur. How long does it take?

A few days, said Ageless. You'll wait for me, won't you? Dear Arthur.......

Depends what there is to do here, said Arthur, who had not read the sign on the gate.

But Ageless had read it.

You'll love it, he wheedled.

I doubt it, said Arthur, spotting a thorny devil standing rigid nearby.

There's fossicking, Arthur, said Ageless. And bowls.

Supposed To Be Somewhere Else

Arthur's left us the snacks and the water, said Emerald. Let's stay here all day.

Is it Friday? said  Ruby.

Yes, said Emerald.

Yeah, let's stay, agreed Ruby. Cos of school.

You said you were too old for school, said Baby Pierre. I heard you tell Arthur.

Yep, that's what we told Arthur, said Emerald.

Why don't you like school? asked Lavender. I would like school.

You wouldn't like our school, said Emerald. Every morning we do the same thing.

What's that? asked Lavender. Maths and physics?

Blowing noses, said Emerald. Which sucks. Then coughing and breathing. And exercise.

Lavender was silent, imagining blowing her nose.

So we'll go back on Saturday, said Ruby. That'll be better.

Our friends will be coming on Saturday, said Lavender. In the Jeep.

In the Jeep! echoed Emerald. That's so cool! Let's all wait for the Jeep.

.......

Arthur trudged on towards Gemtree. But he kept looking back.

Where were they? It was hot, and they had the water.

Everything had gone wrong. He was supposed to be learning to surf. And here he was, in the middle of nowhere with nothing but spinifex and dirt. He spotted a movement under a bush.

It was Ageless.

What are you doing there? asked Arthur.

Moulting, croaked Ageless, pick me up, will you.

Why? said Arthur.

My shell's too tight. Get me to the water, said Ageless.

Left it behind, said Arthur. Sorry.

Not that water, said Ageless. The water ahead, with the fish in. And dark crevices with pebbles and grit.

How do you know? asked Arthur.

I smell it, said Ageless.

I believe you, said Arthur.

He picked up the unfortunate Ageless by the legs and slung him over his shoulder.

In this way they travelled companionably until they came to a gate.

Shitty Moods and Departures

The moon was high in the sky when Ageless finished his story.

Everyone was asleep except him.

He rolled over on his carapace this way and that, trying to find a comfortable position. Scrape... scrape...

It was no good. He stood up and began prowling around. Sniff..sniff...

He could smell water. It smelled like fishy water. It smelled like pebbles, and grit.

Ageless set off down the road, following the scent of the water, leaving his friends and his book behind.

......

The sun came up, and Ouvert opened his eyes.

Good. It was morning.

Wake up, Baby Pierre! said Ouvert. Wake up, Arthur! Wake up Sapphires!

What about ME? said Lavender.

You're already awake, said Ouvert.

But I wasn't, said Lavender.

It's not easy to tell, said Ouvert. It's not like you've got a real face.

Lavender started to cry. She hoped Arthur would notice.

But Arthur didn't notice.

Surely Ageless would notice.

But where was Ageless?

Hey! Where's Ageless? said Lavender.

Arthur looked around. There was no sign of Ageless. Arthur didn't care all that much.

Looks like he's gone, said Ruby. But he's left his stupid old book.

Too bad about that, said Arthur. We're going. And we're leaving it here.

Morning, Curly-Wurly, said Emerald.

Next person that calls me Curly-Wurly, said Arthur, gets a tickle with what's in my pocket.

What's in your pocket? said Emerald.

Arthur brought out the glittering knife.

He's pretending, said Lavender. Aren't you?

No, said Arthur. I'm not.

Who's in a shitty mood? said Ruby.

Let's go, said Arthur. How far's Gemtree?

You'll find out, said Emerald. Just start walking.

Arthur strode off, leaving everyone behind.

 

Like a Curly-Wurly

No one could sleep, except Ageless. The night was too scary.

Boo! Boo! went the boobook owl. Or was it the ifrit?

Emerald poked Ageless awake.

You got a book, she said. Read us a story.

Croaaak! said Ageless.  Whaa?

How can he read us a story? said Lavender. It's too dark.

I might have a torch, said Arthur.

He felt in his pocket, but there was only the glittering knife.

It's too dark to read you a story, said Ageless, waking up properly at last. But I've been reading all day. I could tell you a story.

Tell us about the three ladies, said Lavender. What happened to them?

The youngest was rich, said Ageless. She went on a journey and was shipwrecked. On an island she met a young man. He was excellent in attributes, supple and handsome. His appearance was like a sugar stick, with a well-proportioned frame.....

A sugar stick! scoffed Emerald.

A sugar stick! giggled Ruby.

A sugar stick, marvelled Lavender. Ageless,  what does that mean?

I don't know, said Ageless. I suppose he looked something like Arthur.

Everyone looked at Arthur.

Arthur hadn't been paying attention. He was bored with the country and bored with the story.

What? said Arthur.

The girls think you look like a sugar stick, said Baby Pierre.

Who cares what they think? said Arthur. And I don't look like a sugar stick. What's a sugar stick anyway?

It's in Ageless's story, said Lavender. The handsome young man looks like a sugar stick, with a well-proportioned frame.

So it has a frame, muttered Arthur. Must be .... a Curly-Wurly.

Emerald and Ruby knew their snack bars. They thought Arthur was probably right.

And Ageless went on with the story.

Scary Scary Night

Evening was drawing in, and they still hadn't reached Gemtree.

We'll have to spend the night under the stars, said Arthur.

It'll be FREEZING! said Emerald.

FREEZING! said Ruby.

What would  you girls have done if you hadn't met me? said Arthur.

Met someone better, said Emerald. Someone with a car.

Our friends have a Jeep, said Lavender.

It was the first time she's spoken to the girls.

Ruby peered into the wire basket.

Aw, she said. What's your name?

Lavender, said Lavender.

And them others? she pointed to Ouvert and Baby Pierre.

Don't say them others, said Arthur. Say, the others.

Yes mister teacher, said Ruby. How old are you anyhow?

Seventeen, said Arthur.

Woop, woop, said Emerald. Seventeen. Well, get out your water and snacks if we're all staying here.

Arthur got out his water and chocolate and nuts.

Darkness fell.

The ghost gums gleamed ghostly. The spinifex rustled. A kaleidoscope of stars appeared in the cold black night sky.

If we had a fire, observed Emerald, we could eat lobster.

No, you couldn't, said Ageless.

An owl screeched.

An ifrit! screamed Lavender. Who's been unfaithful?

What's that mean? asked Ruby

It means ...unreliable, it means.... you don't follow, it means ....you went out in FRONT, said Lavender. And your hands get cut off!

They all huddled closer together.

Reliability

Arthur had been joking, but his joke had back-fired.

Emerald and Ruby were on the bicycle while he walked behind.

Not only that, but he was carrying the wire basket, as the girls had decided it would be more comfortable for them without it on the back.

It was difficult to keep up.

They're getting ahead of us, said Ageless, who was walking beside Arthur, having graciously agreed that it was unfair he should be carried.

I know, said Arthur, but they'll wait for us at Gemtree.

If they are reliable, said Ageless.

Lavender was in the basket, listening.

They will be reliable, she said to Baby Pierre.

How do you know? said Baby Pierre.

I know because they're just like me, she said.

Uh? said Ouvert. How?

Yes how? said Baby Pierre.

Because they're not the Sapphires, said Lavender. And that's like me, because I'm not a fossil.

Then how come you look like one? said Ouvert.

Lavender looked shy.

She looks like one because she's in the shape of one, said Baby Pierre. She's nothing, really.

Oh shut up, Baby Pierre, said Lavender. You know I'm in the shape of an auger. That means I can tell the future, she added proudly.

No it doesn't...... began Baby Pierre, when he saw that up ahead the girls had stopped.

Ageless, Arthur and the wire basket caught up.

This bike's got a flat tyre, said Emerald. Where's the repair kit?

Somewhere, said Arthur vaguely, searching in his pocket.

But the repair kit wasn't there.

We're stuck then, said Ruby disgustedly.

Not stuck exactly, but we'll have to wheel the bike, said Arthur. Bad luck girls. Just let me fix the basket  back on. And you can get in again, Ageless.

You didn't know that was going to happen, said Baby Pierre to Lavender.

But Lavender thought she remembered that she did.

Not the Sapphires

How can we turn right? said Arthur. It's a straight road.

Turn right at the roundabout, said Baby Pierre, peering at the map.

Roundabout! said Ageless. Where did you get that map?

It's a google map, said Baby Pierre. It must be right.

Arthur pedalled on in a straight line for several hours, until he came to a signpost on the right.

Plenty Highway, he read.  We turn right. Does everyone agree?

No one had any objection, but Arthur wanted to stop, for a snack.

He was munching his snack, when two girls walked up behind him.

Hi! said the girls.

Hi! said Arthur. What are you girls doing out here?

We live here, said one of the girls.

Down the road, out past Gemtree, said the other.

Shouldn't you be at school, said Arthur.

We're too old for school, said the girls. What's your name?

Arthur, said Arthur. Want some?

He held out his half-nibbled snack.

Yuck, no thanks, said the first girl. I'm Emerald. This is Ruby.

Don't tell me, said Arthur. You're the Sapphires.

The girls looked offended.

We was going to say that, said Emerald.

Well, are you? said Arthur.

Nup, said Ruby. Can you give us a lift though?

On a bicycle? said Arthur.

Ageless stuck his head out of the wire basket.

Girls! he exclaimed. I couldn't help overhearing your excellent joke.

What joke? said Ruby.

About the Sapphires, said Ageless.

It's not funny, said Emerald. It's a film.

I think you'll find I made that joke, said Arthur.

A lift? pestered Ruby.

Sure, said Arthur. I'll walk, you girls get on the bike.

A Tiny Map

Arthur felt in his pocket. Yes, he still had the knife. But it was bandages he was really after. He felt something stiff and dragged it out. It was a dirty old bandage. Good.

Arthur stopped at the side of the Stuart Highway and wrapped up one knee.

Would you like me to take over? asked Ageless.

Didn't know you could ride, said Arthur.

Didn't know I could ride! said Ageless. Tell him, Baby Pierre.

Ageless rode in the Tour Down Under last year, said Baby Pierre.

What team? asked Arthur.

Team Crustacean, said Ageless. Unfortunately we were involved in a crash, thanks to Starpuss. She was part of our team, but she was...... .dead, so we had to pull her along in a box on wheels.

I saw that on tv said Arthur. It was a good crash.  She was a octopus, right?

To be honest, said Ageless, I can't remember what she was, only that she was a liability. Do you want me to ride this bicycle or not?

Then what would I do? said Arthur. I can't get in the wire basket.

You would wait here, said Ageless. I would go on ahead.

And then what? said Arthur. I don't see the point.

You don't know where you're going, said Ageless. You don't have a map..

And you wouldn't come back, said Arthur. I've heard about you. But you're right, I don't have a map.

Unreliable, said Ageless, shaking his head.

Just like you, said Arthur.

Lavender looked at Ouvert.

Is that like unfaithful? she asked.

Ouvert grinned his fishy grin.

'Fraid so, he said.

Lavender looked at Baby Pierre, her last hope,

I have a map, said Baby Pierre. But it's tiny.

Don't we just keep going straight? said Arthur.

We turn right, said Baby Pierre.

Improvidence

It was only Thursday, but Arthur decided to set off for Alcoota Station, on Gaius's hired bicycle.

In the wire basket on the back of the bicycle were Ageless, Baby Pierre, Ouvert and Lavender, and plenty of water and  snacks. There was also a book, One Thousand and One Arabian Nights, which had been presented to Ageless.

Gaius was seeing them off.

Are you sure you want to do this? said Gaius. You know it's the wrong sort of bike?

Doesn't matter, said Arthur. I can ride anything.

But what about us? said Lavender. And why's it the wrong sort of bike?

It's an urban bike, said Gaius. For riding around town and doing the shopping.

Phoo! said Arthur. There's a repair kit somewhere.

Goodbye then, said Gaius, We'll see you on Saturday.

Have fun in the Jeep, said Arthur.

Arthur set off along the Stuart Highway.

Ageless looked up from his book.

Has anyone else read this? he asked.

We weren't allowed, said Lavender.

What did Kobo say about it? said Ageless.

It's ribald, said Ouvert. That's what she said. She said you would like it.

Well she didn't mean this part, said Ageless. I don't like it.

Why not? asked Baby Pierre.

Never mind, said Ageless.

What, what? chanted Lavender and Ouvert.

A beautiful maiden has her hand cut off, said Ageless, by an ifrit, for being unfaithful. Then her head.

Everyone was silent for a moment, thinking about the relevance of this to themselves.

Arthur hadn't been listening. His knees were beginning to itch. He turned and addressed the wire basket.

I haven't brought bandages, he said.

Avoiding the Crossing

Gaius emerged from the Museum with some specimen bones in his pocket.

Good news! he said. We're all going to Alcoota Scientific Reserve on the weekend in Dr Yates's Jeep.

Yay! cried Lavender. A Jeep!

Count me out, said Ageless. I don't trust Dr Yates.

Nor me, said Baby Pierre. We might never come back.

We'd come back, said Ageless, but no longer intact.

No longer intact! said Ouvert. What do you mean?

He wants my claw, said Ageless.

And my special mark, said Baby Pierre.

What? said Lavender. You think he wants your TULIP?

It's not a tulip, Lavender, said Baby Pierre, as you well know. It's the Mark of the Lobster Claw.

He wouldn't want it, said Lavender. How would he get it off?

By scraping, said Baby Pierre.

Lavender looked scared.

We won't go, she declared.

Tell you what, said Arthur, I'll take you all there on the bike. Then you won't have to go in the Jeep.

But Arthur! said Gaius. Why would you do that? It's one hundred and sixty kilometres!

That's nothing, said Arthur, who had not visited the Centre before.

And I have my own reasons, he added, remembering the replique lac and the spasmique quack.

No need to cross poems with Dr Yates in a Jeep if he could avoid it.

Japanese Battleships

Gaius left his bicycle outside and went into the Museum to look for Dr Yates.

Dr Yates was still sitting by the replica waterhole, thinking about Part Two of Arthur's poem. He couldn't help thinking it lacked a certain degree of authenticity. Had the Japanese ever visited Central Australia in battleships? Surely not.

Gaius came up to the waterhole.

Good afternoon, you must be Dr Yates, said Gaius.

I am, said Dr Yates.

My name is Gaius Plinius Secundus, said Gaius. I am a natural historian, interested in your recent discovery of a giant claw.

What an honour, said Dr Yates. You must come round the back and see it. This is just a replica waterhole, here.

I knew that, said Gaius. I could tell at once. A real waterhole is not usually found inside a museum.

True enough, said Dr Yates. Do come this way.

He led the way to a small room out the back that was full of desks and shelves. On all the desks and shelves were various lengths of bones and several claws.

This is the giant one, said Dr Yates. What do you think?

It's very big , said Gaius.

That's just what I said, agreed Dr Yates. In fact I was quoted in the newspapers and on the internet saying that very thing.

That is not in itself remarkable, said Gaius.

I suppose not, said Dr Yates. Nevertheless, it's the only thing we know about it so far.

I should like to visit Alcoota Scientific Reserve, where it was found, said Gaius.

What a pity, we had an open day last month, said Dr Yates. You've missed it. But I'll tell you what, I'm going there on the weekend in my Jeep. Would you like to come along?

I would indeed, said Gaius. As long as I can bring my bicycle.

It will probably fit in the back, said Dr Yates.

And Arthur, said Gaius, suddenly remembering Arthur.

Is he with you? said Dr Yates, surprised.

He is my right hand man, said Gaius.

Very well, said Dr Yates. Anything else you'd like to bring?

Ageless, said Gaius, I'm sure he would like to come, and Baby Pierre and I suppose Ouvert and Lavender..

Any Japanese battleships? asked Dr Yates sarcastically.

But Gaius had no idea what he was talking about.

Sticks and Bones

Arthur came out.

Gaius! said Arthur. Nice bike! Are you riding it to Alcoota Station?

No, said Gaius. Just to here. I want to have a look at Araluen. I want to see the fossils and the waterhole

They're only replicas, said Arthur. Crocodiles and giant birds and stuff. No giant claw.

Nonsense, said Gaius. It must be here.  It will be out the back, being examined, no doubt. Who's coming in?

Not me, said Ageless.

Not me, said Baby Pierre.

Not me, if Baby Pierre's not, said Ouvert.

Nor me, said Lavender.

Come with me then, said Arthur. I'm going to see the Albert Namatjiras. Dr Yates said they were good.

Gaius went into the Museum, while Arthur took the others to the Namatjira Gallery.

You go in, said Arthur. I'm just going to the toilet.

What are Albertnamajeeras? whispered Lavender.

I don't know, said Ouvert. I hope they're not BONES.

Oh so do I, said Lavender. And I hope they're not .......STICKS.

They won't be STICKS, scoffed Baby Pierre. But they might be bones.

They walked into a gallery. There were paintings on the wall. A group of elders was standing in front of one of the paintings, discussing its merits.

Whatever you say, said one, it's bloody good.

I didn't say it wasn't, said another. I said it wasn't traditional.

Depends, said another. It's kind of like traditional.

Yeah, said the first. WESTERN traditional.

But way more deadly, said the third.

They must be Albertnamajeeras, said Lavender, softly.

Let's ask them, said Baby Pierre.

Excuse me, he said, coming up behind the group of elders. Are you.... Albertnamajeeras?

Jeez! said the first elder. Where'd that voice come from? I'm out of here.

The elders walked out of the gallery, quite fast.

Arthur came back.

What do you think of the Albert Namatjiras? he asked.

They've left now, said Lavender. But they knew heaps about art.

The Hired Bicycle

Baby Pierre tiptoed back to rejoin Ageless.

Wow, he really IS Arthur Rimbaud! said Baby Pierre. And his poetry is as bad as Ouvert said.

Ageless was always up for a bit of bad poetry.

Give me an example, he said.

Jealous of his knobby buttons, said Baby Pierre.

Hee hee. I like it, said Ageless.

Do you? said Baby Pierre. Ouvert wouldn't. I wonder where he is? And Lavender?

And Gaius, said Ageless. Let's go outside.

They went outside.

Gaius was approaching on a bicycle.

Hello, my friends! cried Gaius. How delightful to see you! Do you like my bicycle? I've hired it. A bargain at only thirty dollars a day. Plenty of room for collectables, and guests.

He indicated a wire basket at the back.

Baby Pierre! Ageless! squealed Lavender from the basket.

Wheeee! cried Ouvert. Baby Pierre! I've found you.

Baby Pierre was overjoyed to see his friend Ouvert.

Wicked! What are you guys doing here? said Baby Pierre.

Ouvert hopped down.

We came with Gaius and Arthur on the train, he answered. We were looking for you, and Gaius is looking for the giant Varan. Arthur's helping. He stole a knife.

Me and Ageless are looking for evidence that the giant claw belonged to a giant lobster, said Baby Pierre.

Kobo said you would be disappointed, said Lavender.

Humph! said Ageless. Little does she know. How is Kobo, anyway?

She sent you a book, said Lavender. It's about private parts, she added.

Ageless's eyes changed focus slightly.

.

Or a Character from Dutch Fiction

You appear to be overcome with some emotion, said Arthur.

It's not my sort of poetry, said Dr Yates.

It's mine, said Arthur. I thought it was pretty good considering.

It's in considering it that I have a problem, said Dr Yates. The word 'fingerling' for example. A fingerling does not become a claw.

What is your point? asked Arthur.

A fingerling is a young or small fish, such as a salmon or a trout, said Dr Yates. Or else a small stubby finger-shaped potato. Or a character from Dutch fiction. Or a ring made out of fabric, vinyl or leather rather than metal.

How enchanting, said Arthur.

And he did think it was enchanting, but nevertheless he wished to defend himself.

The thing is, said Arthur, to understand my poetry requires a disorganisation of the senses. And a fingerling may grow into a claw, in that sense.

Anything may grow into anything, in that sense, said Dr Yates.

Exactly, said Arthur.

The sort of poetry I like, said Dr Yates, is rather different.

What sort ? said Arthur. Let me guess. Longfellow? By the shores of Gitchee Goomee.....

No, said Dr Yates. Something that rhymes.

Two of my lines rhymed, said Arthur, but I ditched them.

What were they? asked Dr Yates

The olive crocodile soaking in the replica lake/ Losing his knobby buttons in a spasmic quake, said Arthur.

That's terrible, said Dr Yates.

It wouldn't rhyme in French, said Arthur.

What's that got to do with it? said Dr Yates.

I'm French, said Arthur. My name is Arthur Rimbaud.

Well, well! said Dr Yates. I'm very pleased to meet you. But are you sure it wouldn't rhyme in French?
Replique lac and .......spasmique quack?

Arthur wondered if he hadn't met his match.


.

Gasp and Swallow

Ageless and Baby Pierre made it to the door, unseen.

A lucky escape! said Ageless.

Yes, said Baby Pierre. Did you hear what the curator said about tin tacks?

And light bombs, added Ageless.

To be fair, said Baby Pierre, it was that Arthur fellow who mentioned light bombs.

The poet, said Ageless. I wonder if his poem's any good?

Me too, said Baby Pierre. I'll sneak back in and listen. You wait here.

Baby Pierre rolled quietly back into the room where Arthur and Dr Yates were sitting at the replica waterhole. It was good timing. Arthur was just opening his mouth.

Part One: The Claw, (said Arthur).

Good title, said Dr Yates.

Shut up if you want to hear it, said Arthur.

Sorry, said Dr Yates.

One: The Claw (said Arthur)

Innocent I grew from a fingerling,
A vicious claw curved and dangerous,
Beside the dry waterhole with parched and pockmarked bones
I lay for eight million years.

Ummm.... said Dr Yates

Arthur glared.

Two: The Varan (said Arthur)

Crash! Come the Japanese in battleships,
Light bombs rain down,
I gasp and swallow phosphorescence.
The internal explosion scatters my component parts.

Three: Giant Freshwater Crocodile

Jealous of his knobby buttons and his olive complexion,
His serried teeth, his magnanimous spasmic length.

Four: Dromornis Stirtoni

My whole skeleton varnished and mahoganised
In mid stride
Delirious with life.

Arthur stopped, and looked at Dr Yates, who appeared to be overcome with some emotion.

Escape By Poetry

A man entered and walked briskly up to Arthur..

Aha! said the man. The attendant told me you had a promising knife. Have you got him out yet? And the other one?

I thought I had, said Arthur, but they've gone back in again.

Damn! said the man. I am Dr Adam Yates, Curator of Earth Sciences here at the Museum. I was hoping to get down to tin tacks this afternoon.

A comparison? said Arthur, doubtfully.

No, more than that, said Dr Yates. I want to make a video. With them in it.

Cool! said Arthur. Will there be light bombs?

Light bombs? said Dr Yates. I hadn't planned any.

Haven't you see the Impossible Varan? said Arthur.

No said Dr Yates. But I've heard of it. Wasn't that a Japanese movie from the fifties?

Yes, it was, said Arthur. What sort of video are you going to make?

Oh, one of those where you reconstruct a creature from the few parts you have, and invent the rest, said Dr Yates.

You should have light bombs, said Arthur. Or no one will want to see it.

You don't know much about science, said Dr Yates.

I know about art, said Arthur. Well, poetry.

Poetry, said Dr Yates. I'm partial to poetry. Give me a poem.

I've given it up, said Arthur.

Once a poet......said Dr Yates. Go on.

Arthur was easily persuaded. But he liked to take a bit of time over his poetry.

Come and sit down over here, he said, and I'll work something up.

They sat down between a replica giant freshwater crocodile and a replica of the largest bird that ever lived, the dromornis stirtoni.

These giant replicas are quite inspiring, said Arthur, so I won't be long.

Take your time, said Dr Yates, forgetting why he had originally come into the room.

He looked up at the ceiling, humming, and waiting for the poem.

Ageless and Baby Pierre squeezed out of the cleft in the replica rock with a minimum of scraping, and tiptoed towards the door.

Wanted For Comparison

Arthur bent down and jiggled the knife around in the cleft of the replica rock.

There was a scraping sound, and a rasping intake of breath.

Anyone there? said Arthur.

No, said a voice.

Shut up, Baby Pierre, said another voice.

Sorry, said the voice of Baby Pierre.

Arthur put two and two together.

Ageless? he said.

At last! Someone who knows me! exclaimed the rasping voice. Yes, I am Ageless.

Come out, said Arthur. I won't hurt you. I am Arthur Rimbaud.

Ageless edged his way out, backwards. The last part to come out was his claw.

He looked around suspiciously.

Where's that Curator? said Ageless. If he's here I'm going back in.

Why? asked Arthur. Have you done something wrong?

No! said Ageless. He wants me for a comparison.

What's wrong with that? said Arthur. This is a museum. They do comparisons.

Not with me, said Ageless. That's why I was lying low. So was Baby Pierre. Come out, Baby Pierre!

Baby Pierre appeared from the cleft in the replica rock.

Haha! said Arthur. You're a stone! You ought to meet Ouvert and Lavender.

Ouvert and Lavender, cried Baby Pierre. Are they here?

Do you know them? asked Arthur.

They're only my friend and my cousin! said Baby Pierre. Where are they?

They were talking to Gaius, said Arthur. About private parts. It was disgusting. That's why I left.

Take me to them, said Ageless.

No, said Arthur. They're coming here. We'll just wait.

He turned. Someone was framed in the doorway, but he couldn't see who it was.

He turned back to Ageless and Baby Pierre.

They had vanished again.

A Cleft In A Replica Rock

The Museum of Central Australia was part of the Araluen Cultural Precinct. Arthur knew this because he had a map. He followed the map down Red Centre Way to Larapinta Drive. This looked like the place. Now to find the Giant Varan. He went inside.

Can I help you? said a woman, coming up.

Yes I'm looking for the Giant Varan said Arthur. Or pieces of it.

You want the replica of the waterhole, said the woman, it's over there.

Thank you, said Arthur, and set off in that direction.

A replica. Arthur had  thought he was going to see the real thing. He kept on walking.

His knees began to itch.

He felt in his pocket for a bandage.

He pulled one out.

It was a long and dirty bandage, and when it finally emerged from his pocket something else fell out as well, and clattered to the floor.

It was the glittering knife.

Arthur bent down to pick it up.

Too late!

An attendant was running towards him.

Hey! said the attendant. You've got a knife!

Don't worry, said Arthur. I'm putting it back in my pocket.

No don't, said the attendant. Let me see it.

Arthur presented the glittering knife.

Just the thing, said the attendant. Come with me.

Arthur followed the attendant to the replica waterhole.

See down there, said the attendant, pointing towards a cleft in a replica rock. Would you mind jiggling your knife around in there and trying to winkle him out?

Him? said Arthur.

Him, said the attendant grimly. And the other one.

The Puzzling Names of Private Parts

Great Jupiter! said Gaius. Don't tell me YOU have read the story of the porter!

No, said Lavender, I haven't, but Kobo said to tell Ageless to be sure to read it.

I can't think why, said Gaius. It's vulgar.

Why is it vulgar? asked Lavender. And why wouldn't Ageless like it?

He would like it, said Gaius. But I can't think why Kobo would recommend it.

Tell us the story, Gaius, said Ouvert. Then we'll know.

Certainly not, said Gaius. Suffice to say the three ladies in the story tease the porter.

Oh HOW? said Lavender. I LOVE teasing!

How can I put it nicely? said Gaius. They take a bath, and then ask him if he can name their private parts.

What are private parts? asked Lavender.

I forgot you didn't have any, said Gaius. Never mind.

I have, said Ouvert. I have private parts.

No you don't, said Lavender. You're completely open. Everyone can see right through you if they like.

Well you don't know everything, said Ouvert, huffily.

But it was true, he had no private parts.

Lavender was still musing on the subject.

What were they called, the private parts? she asked. Or is it vulgar?

The names the ladies give them are not exactly vulgar, said Gaius. In fact they are quite puzzling.

Arthur had been listening in silence. He really didn't want to know what names the ladies had for their private parts. He didn't think they would be puzzling.

He decided to go and find the Museum. Perhaps he'd be the first to see the Varan's Claw.

The Story of the Porter

Stacey left the Arabian Nights with Gaius. He flicked through the pages idly. What had happened to the fisherman?

But the story had gone off on another tangent. Now it was about the king whose gift of fish had been burnt. The king had undertaken a journey to find the pool in which the fish had been caught. Nearby he found a palace where dwelt a sad young man, whose nether parts had been turned to stone by magic.......

These stories never end, said Gaius. He flicked a few more pages, and found himself reading the story of the porter. Good heavens! It was licentious! The ladies in this story did not behave like any ladies that he knew! Thank goodness Stacey had stopped reading when she did.

He shut the book with a snap.

Arthur returned, with something bulging in his pocket.

Everyone went back to sleep.

What a long night it always seems, in the cheap seats on a train. But at last it was morning. And there was a lot of reddish scenery to see.

By lunch time they arrived in Alice Springs.

Hurrah! said Lavender.

Wheee! said Ouvert. Now to find Baby Pierre and Ageless! I wonder where they are?

We are going to the Museum of Central Australia, said Gaius. I wish to meet the Curator of Earth Sciences there, and examine his giant claw.

I thought we were going to Alcoota Station, said Arthur.

Later, later, said Gaius. But the claw is at the museum, I believe. I shouldn't be surprised if Ageless and Baby Pierre are there as well, as Ageless has an interest in the claw.

We'll come with you, said Lavender. Where's the book? We have to give it to Ageless.

I shall give it to Ageless myself, said Gaius. No need for you to bother with it now.

But we want to give it to him, said Lavender. Like Kobo said.

No, said Gaius, it is not a suitable book for you two to be handling. I confess it made me blush.

Lavender looked puzzled. Then the light dawned.

Oh, she said. You must have read the story of the porter!

Faithful To The Covenant

What did you dream? asked Gaius

That you ordered me to steal the glittering knife, said Arthur. 

And did you? asked Gaius.

No, said Arthur. I was going to, but you poked me, and I woke up.

So you would have done it? said Gaius.

I would, said Arthur.

Gaius fell to thinking. Arthur would have done it. Good. He had brought him along because he was reliable.

Stacey meanwhile was still reading the story of the fisherman to Lavender and Ouvert. When would it end? She had other things to do.The ifrit showed the  fisherman a mountain pool in which swam red, blue, green and yellow fish. The fisherman caught four fish and took them to the king. The king was expecting visitors and he asked the cook to fry the fish for supper. The cook had just placed the fish in the frying pan when a beautiful woman burst through the kitchen wall and thrust her bamboo staff into the pan.

Fish, are you still faithful to your covenant? she asked.

Yes, yes, replied the fish, and they recited:

if you return, we return

if you keep faith so do we

but if you go off we are quits.

Well, said Stacey. I think I shall go off and we'll be quits as well.

But what happens next? wailed Lavender.

The cook faints and the fish are burnt, said Stacey, guessing.

But that's a terrible story, said Lavender, I'll never get to sleep.

Arthur can finish it, said Stacey, getting up to leave. She leaned over the red Day-Nighter to give the book to Arthur. But Arthur had disappeared.

Where's Arthur gone? she said to Gaius.

Prunes, said Gaius, cannily.

Nodding Off

Stacey continued reading the story of the ifrit and the fisherman.

The fisherman tricked the ifrit into getting back inside the bottle.

Then the ifrit promised to do something good for the fisherman if he would let him out again.

Arthur knew this story. He nodded off.

Gaius half-opened one eye. He was warm and comfortable with the blanket and the pillow. It was Arthur's turn for the pillow but he appeared to have nodded off. Gaius went back to sleep.

Stacey's voice penetrated Gaius's sleeping conscience.

He dreamed he was an ifrit, newly let out of a bottle.

A fisherman who looked remarkably like Arthur had let him out.

Now I must kill you, said Gaius, to the fisherman who looked like Arthur.

But it was I who let you out, said the fisherman who looked like Arthur.

Unfortunately I have made a vow, said Gaius. But there is a way to avoid your fate. There is a sultan living in a kingdom far away. His name is Tray-Nee. Tray-Nee owns a wondrous glittering knife, such a knife as has never been seen anywhere.

I see, said the fisherman who looked like Arthur. I suppose you want the glittering knife?

Yes, I do, said Gaius. If you bring it to me, I will not have to kill you.

What if I don't come back? asked the fisherman who looked like Arthur.

Then I can keep the pillow, said Gaius.

Gaius woke up, and poked Arthur.

I had the strangest dream, he said.

So did I, said Arthur. It was about a knife.

Fritting

It was Stacey.

I've come to read you two a story, she said. Where's that book?

Under the seat, said Lavender. Arthur wanted it, but we wouldn't let him have it.

Stacey leaned over the top of the seat, and tapped Arthur on the head.

You can listen too, she said kindly. Now is everyone sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

I'm not comfortable, said Arthur. And that's because I haven't been given a pillow.

I've heard you like to live dangerously, said Stacey.

Arthur suddenly remembered that was true.

Stacey read them the story of the fisherman who let an ifrit out of  a bottle. The ifrit threatened to kill him. The fisherman asked why. The ifrit said it was because he'd been imprisoned for so long. The fisherman didn't think that was fair because it was he who had let him out. The ifrit said it would have been a different story if he'd been let out earlier.

What's an ifrit? interrupted Lavender.

An ifrit? said Stacey. Frit.....frit..... I suppose it's a sort of fritter. Or a kind of i-fritter or something, I don't really know, but obviously they can kill you.

I saw an ifrit once, said Ouvert. At La Rochelle. At least I saw something in a bottle.

Wow, said Lavender. It might have killed you.

Arthur snorted in derision.

Alright Arthur, said Stacey, what's an ifrit ?

A genie, said Arthur.

Everyone looked disappointed.

Shall I get on with the story now? asked Stacey.

The Trainee

A black clad figure with a glittering knife! Arthur was excited.

The black clad figure strode right up to Arthur, and leaning across the still-snoozing Gaius, said, Hi! I'm the trainee. Stacey said to bring you this knife.

What for? said Arthur.

To cut the pits out of your prunes, said the trainee.

They're already pitted, said Arthur.

Ooh! squealed Lavender from behind. We heard that, Arthur! Your threat was EMPTY.

Ha! said Arthur. An empty threat is as good as a ....proper one.

So you don't want the knife, said the trainee. Sheeez! Wasting everyone's time.

No, I'll have it, said Arthur. Give it here.

What! said the trainee. What d'you want a knife for? That's it! I'm pulling the emergency cord.

What's happening? said Gaius, waking up from his snooze, to see the angry trainee brandishing the glittering knife.

Nothing, said Arthur.

A knife! said Gaius. That will come in very handy. Thank you, young man.

What do you want it for? asked the trainee suspiciously.

Digging, said Gaius. I'm going to Alcoota Station. I'm a natural historian, interested in the giant fossils, in particular the claw of the Giant Varan, and I believe in the excitement of packing I neglected to include a knife.

You can't have this knife, said the trainee! This knife stays on the train.

Fiddlesticks! said Gaius. How much do you want for it?

It isn't for sale, said the trainee. It's a prune-pitting knife.

Just the thing, said Gaius.

No, said the trainee. It isn't.

I agree with him, said Arthur.

Who? said Gaius. Me? Or him?

............

The debate raged on. Ouvert and Lavender had lost interest long ago. Where was Stacey? When would she read them a story?

What does it mean to be faithful, Ouvert? asked Lavender, thinking about the storyteller who had risked being killed by the Sultan.

It means that you're following someone, said Ouvert.

We're following someone, said Lavender.

Yes, said Ouvert.

The door of the carriage opened again. Will this be another cliff-hanger? Who will it be?

Cliff-Hanger

Gaius has paid for one blanket and one pillow.

We'll share them, he says to Arthur.

You can't share a PILLOW, says Arthur.

We'll take turns, says Gaius. I'll snooze first, and you can look out of the window.

Arthur looked out of the window. It was dark, and all he could see was his face looking back.

He ate several prunes. He was bored.  He got up on his knees and leaned over the back of his Day-Nighter.

How about lending me that book? he said to Ouvert and Lavender.

No, said Lavender. Stacey's coming back later to read it to us. She says it'll help us to sleep.

It won't, said Arthur. It's the 1001 Arabian Nights. It's designed to keep you awake. Every story ends with a cliff-hanger, so that the Sultan won't kill the storyteller, but let her live to finish the story the following night.

Why would he kill her? asked Lavender, wide eyed.

Because he thinks women are generally unfaithful, said Arthur.

Oh! said Lavender. You can have the book Arthur. Can't he, Ouvert?

No, he can't have it, said Ouvert. If he has it Stacey won't stay.

Just let me have it till she comes, wheedled Arthur. I'll give you these prunes.

They're not your prunes, said Ouvert.

Give me the book, said Arthur, or I'll drop prune pits all over your blanket. See what Stacey does then.

Oh YUK! said Lavender. You're so mean.

I'm bored, said Arthur. I like to live dangerously. There's no danger sitting in an armchair on a stupid red train....

Crash! The door at the end of the carriage burst open, and in burst a black-clad figure brandishing a  glittering knife.

Red Day-Nighters

Arthur and Gaius are on the Ghan, travelling towards Alice Springs seated side by side in Red Day-Nighter seats, which are the cheapest. Behind them are Ouvert and Lavender, in two empty Day-Nighters.

Gaius is complaining about the sleeping arrangements.

If I'd known, says Gaius, that we had to pay extra for pillows and blankets, I'd have brought my own.

But you will pay the extra? says Arthur anxiously.

I suppose I shall have to, says Gaius. Here, have a prune.

A prune! says Arthur. That is a dodgy sort of thing to eat on a long train journey.

On the contrary, says Gaius, after long periods of sitting, one sometimes finds oneself incommoded.

Yes exactly. And then one may have to queue for the toilets, says Arthur.

Ouvert and Lavender, behind them, start giggling

Gaius cranes his head around his Red Day-Nighter seat to see where the giggling is coming from.

Would you believe it! he says to Arthur. Ouvert is behind us, with Lavender.

Let me see, says Arthur.

Arthur, who has a window seat, gets up on his knees and looks over the back of his seat.

Ouvert! he exclaims. What are you doing here on the Ghan?

I'm off to find Baby Pierre, says Ouvert.

And Ageless, says Lavender.

Are they looking for the Giant Varan? asks Arthur.

No, the Giant Lobster Claw, says Lavender. And Kobo says they won't find it, but she gave us a book. And it's awfully heavy.

What is it? says Arthur.

The Arabian Nights, says Lavender.

The Arabian Nights? says Arthur. Let me see.

It's under our seat, says Ouvert. We can't lift it up.

Oh yes? How did you get it on the train? asks Arthur.

Stacey helped us, says Lavender. She's ever so nice. And so pretty. She'll get you a blanket.

Yes, says Ouvert. She told us she'd get us a blanket. So she'll get you a blanket.

If we pay, says Gaius, gloomily.

Stacey comes past with a blanket for Ouvert and Lavender. She really is pretty, and nice.

Here you are sweeties, she says. Here's your blanket.

May we have one too? says Arthur, who is handsome, but doesn't like girls.

I'm sorry, says Stacey. But blankets cost extra.

Red Train With a Camel

Ouvert and Lavender were not packing. They had nothing to pack. They were about to leave for the station when Kobo called them back.

Do you know where you're going? she asked.

To the train, said Lavender, brightly. I've been on the train, she added, so don't worry, Aunty Kobo.

It's not the same train, said Kobo. You'll be wanting the Ghan. It leaves from the Parklands terminal. It's a red train, with a camel on it. Make sure you sit near the window. You'll have a lovely view of the Adelaide Plains and the Flinders Ranges. The red earth and the cobalt blue skies........

Lavender looked at Ouvert. Ouvert grinned his fishy grin.

Bye, Aunty Kobo, said Lavender. Any message for Baby Pierre?

Tell Baby Pierre to look after Ageless, said Kobo fondly. He's bound to be disappointed.

Why? asked Lavender. Why will he be disappointed?

You can guess what sort of Claw he's expecting to find, said Kobo.

Ouvert looked puzzled, but Lavender thought that she knew.

A Giant Lobster Claw! she said.

Then her face fell. Baby Pierre would be disappointed too.

We must hurry, she said to Ouvert.

Wait a minute, said Kobo, I want you to take something with you. You can give it to Ageless, and say it's from me.

Alright said Lavender, as long as it isn't a book.

It is a book, said Kobo, it's the 1001 Arabian Nights. It will cheer him up. The tales are philosophical. And some of them are mystical. Others are comic, and some are ribald. It's just his sort of book.

We can't take it, said Ouvert. It's too big.

We'll take it, said Lavender.

Good said Kobo. Here it is.

(It was big).

The Impossible Varan

Arthur was packing. He was going to catch the Ghan to Alice Springs with Gaius. From there they would head out to Alcoota station and the site of the giant fossil dig. He didn't know anything about Central Australia. Or packing. He stuffed some spare bandages into a bag.

Then he remembered he hadn't called Sweezus.

Ring ring!

Hello! said Sweezus.

Hello, said Arthur, it's me.

Who? said Sweezus.

Me, Arthur, said Arthur.

Where've you been? said Sweezus crossly. When are you coming round?

Sorry, said Arthur, I've been hijacked by Gaius. He wants me to go to Alcoota with him on the Ghan. That's a train, he added.

I know it's a train, said Sweezus, but why are you going? Oh wait a tick!  I know! The Claw!

Yes, the Claw, said Arthur. The boring, boring Claw. He thinks it might be the claw of a giant ....errr.... Varan?

Wooo! said Sweezus. A Giant Varan! That was in a movie I saw.

Was it? Arthur was suddenly interested.

Yeah, a Japanese movie made in the fifties, said Sweezus. The Impossible Varan or something. They fired light bombs at it. The light bombs had Special Gun Powder inside. It ate one and died. No wait a minute. the bomb exploded but it didn't die. Not straight away. It went into the water.

Then what? said Arthur. Then did it die?.

It ate two of the bombs, said Sweezus. Then, when it went into the water, the second bomb exploded.

Then it died! said Arthur.

Yep! Then it died, under water. At least that's what everyone thought.

Oh wow! said Arthur. Well I'm going to look for it, with Gaius.

Lucky bugger, said Sweezus. Call me when you get back.

Not Coming Exactly But Going

Look Aunty Kobo, said Lavender. It's Ouvert. He's come back!

Yes, I've come back, said Ouvert. But I'm leaving at once.

How rude you are, said Lavender. Isn't he rude, Aunty Kobo.

Kobo rocked back and forth on the window sill.

Ouvert, she said. Oh yes I remember Ouvert. Two mouths, am I right? You were reading Rimbaud?

Yes, Arthur's my friend, said Ouvert. But never mind him. Where's Baby Pierre?

You already know! declared Lavender. I heard Gaius tell you. He's gone off with Ageless to look for the Claw. And they were horrid. They wouldn't take me.

 Kobo sighed.

You told them you didn't want to go.

But I did want to go, said Lavender. I wanted them to ask me to go.

So you didn't get to go, said Kobo. It's all your own fault.

Where did they go? asked Ouvert impatiently. I'm going too.

I'm coming with you, said Lavender. Because I know where they went. They went on the bus.

No, said Kobo, they went on the train.

Oh, said Lavender. Yes, they went on the train.

When did they leave? asked Ouvert.

Yesterday, said Kobo. Well goodbye then, you two. Don't forget to take something to read. 

We won't need anything to read Aunty Kobo, said Lavender. It will be far too exciting, looking for the Claw.

Pooh! Who said you were coming anyway? said Ouvert.

I'm not COMING exactly, said Lavender. I'm GOING. And you can come with me if you like.

.........

Meanwhile Arthur was becoming more and more bored. Gaius had told him everything he knew about the mysterious Claw. It was a giant claw. It had been found with other fossils in the desert in Central Australia. It was millions of years old. And Gaius the natural historian needed to see it for himself. Perhaps it was the claw of the mythical giant Varan! This had the makings of an interesting scientific paper...... 

Yes, yes, said Arthur, so it does. Well good luck with all that. Now  I'd better be leaving, I promised to meet up with Sweezus and Belle...... 

Oh, but you'll be coming with me I trust? said Gaius. I need someone reliable....

No, said Arthur. I'm notoriously unreliable.....

No, no, said Gaius. You have just proved yourself very reliable, looking after Ouvert......do please sit down.

With a sinking feeling, Arthur sat down.

  

The Claw

Two days later, Arthur was knocking on the door of Gaius's house.

Arthur! said Ouvert, from the depths of Arthur's pocket. Don't knock!

Too late, I've knocked, said Arthur.

Gaius opened the door.

Hello, young Arthur! said Gaius. What happened to you? I thought you were coming back with us.

A little detour to La Rochelle, said Arthur.

Ah! La Rochelle. An interesting place, said Gaius. So many stone buildings. Most of them too modern for my liking, he added. But still......

I met pirates, said Arthur. And I've brought back Ouvert.

Whatever for? spluttered Gaius. I thought he wanted to go home!

He didn't like it there, said Arthur. There was a whole new population of pebbles and none of them knew him. They all  thought he was bumptious.

He is! said Gaius. He is thoroughly bumptious.

I'm not thoroughly bumptious! shouted Ouvert, from the pocket.

Aha, there you are, said Gaius. Well you'd better come in.

Whee! said Ouvert. Where's Baby Pierre?

Gone away, said Gaius. But Kobo and Lavender are here.

Gone away? said Ouvert. Where's he gone to?

To Central Australia, with Ageless, said Gaius.

Ageless? Who's Ageless?  said Arthur.

Ageless Lobster, said Gaius, as if that explained all.

Pooh! said Ouvert. Where's Central Australia? I want to go too.

Kobo can tell you, he said, taking Ouvert from Arthur, walking down the corridor to the kitchen, and placing him on the window sill next to Kobo.

Now Arthur, said Gaius, come and sit down. We have lots to talk about.

What? said Arthur.

The Claw, said Gaius. And how to get hold of it.

Nothing To Lose

Arthur rowed back to shore, tied up the dinghy and picked his way over the shell-encrusted rocks. He was going to have to walk all the way back to La Rochelle in the dark.....and then find a letter box, and post Ouvert.......and find somewhere to sleep until morning.......and then catch a train to Paris...... and then make his way to the airport.....

The thought struck him that Ouvert had made this journey quite recently. Maybe he shouldn't post Ouvert after all. Ouvert might be useful.

By now, he was in La Rochelle.He was standing in front of a letter box. He reached inside his pocket, and pulled out the envelope. It tore open easily because it was wet.

Where am I? said Ouvert, gasping loudly.

La Rochelle, said Arthur. I'm not posting you after all.

Whee! said Ouvert.

Then he thought of something.

Arthur! Don't leave me HERE!

I'm not leaving you here, said Arthur. I'm taking you with me, on the train and the plane. And I'll drop you at Gaius's house.

Whee! said Ouvert.

Then he thought of something else.

Not Gaius's house. He doesn't like me.

Where then? said Arthur, regretting his decision already.

I'll stay with you, said Ouvert. I'm lucky, you know.

No you aren't, said Arthur. Tell me, why doesn't Gaius like you?

Jealous, said Ouvert. Everyone's jealous of me.

I'm not jealous of you, said Arthur.

Everyone who's got something to lose, said Ouvert.

Arthur liked that.

Come on Ouvert, he said, dropping him back in his pocket. Let's go to the station.