And That's How Free Will Works

What is the dreadful buzzing sound?

Everyone turns to look at Ageless.

Has he switched the motor on?

No. It's Ageless buzzing.

What's that noise you're making, lobster? asks Spinoza. For a minute there I thought you'd turned my lens grinder on.

Bzzzzz! says Ageless rudely. No, I'm teaching you a lesson on free will.

What is it? asks Spinoza.

It's doing what you like, says Ageless Lobster.

I meant, what's the lesson? asks Spinoza. And free will isn't doing what you like.

The lesson is this, says Ageless. Point One: You were determined to eat me. Point Two: You forgot. Point Three: Consequently I am still here. So far, so deterministic. But now, Point Four: I capriciously decide to climb up on your lens grinder and make a buzzing sound. Point Five:  Now I randomly decide to scratch your precious lens here with my claw. Point Six: Oh wait, no, I've changed my mind, I won't do it. And that's how Free Will works, see?

And it isn't changing your mind, says Spinoza patiently. But I like the way you divided your argument into points. Quite mathematical.

Thank you, says Ageless, disarmed by the compliment.

I suppose, Baruch, says David Hume, that you would say god and nature constitute an all-embracing necessary and deterministic system, and one must accept one's place in it.

Exactly, says Spinoza.

I don't see why you need god though, says David Hume. If god and nature are the same why can't you just have nature?

It's simple mathematics, says Spinoza. Without god there would be nothing for nature to be the same as.

Everyone is silent, pondering that.

Scraaaatch!. The silence is broken by a scratching sound........