If He Had Been Eaten I'd Know

They ride back to Edinburgh. It seems shorter. Or perhaps they ride faster.

Just imagine, David, says Vello, if you had come to Chirnside two years ago for your three hundredth birthday.....

I'm very glad I didn't, says David. It is bad enough now. That embarassing beer!

It was very nice beer, says Belle et Bonne. Don't be embarrassed!

It's the thought that counts, says Vello.

If you say that one more time, says David, I shall ride on ahead.

I won't say it again, says Vello, but it was amusing.

And I'll be obliged if you'd recycle the bottle, says David. I know you have kept it.

A souvenir, says Vello. That's all.

It is late and the sun is low in the sky. The buttercups are closing, but the thistles are bristling still.

They arrive at their hotel close to tea time. Belle goes up to the desk and asks if her package has arrived.

Aye lassie, here it is, says the woman, Tis a very strange package, I swear I heard something moving inside.

Thank you, says Belle et Bonne, taking the package upstairs.

She opens the package, to reveal Kobo the fossilised clam, the beloved of Ageless.

Now Kobo, says Belle, very quickly. I want you to take a deep breath.

Ahhhh, says Kobo. Don't tell me. I know. I'm in Scotland. You needn't worry. I'm alright with that.

Good, says Belle et Bonne, but that's not actually the worst of it. It's about Ageless.

He's not coming? says Kobo. I'm alright with that.

He's not coming, says Belle, because something dreadful has happened.

He's been eaten, says Kobo. Serves the arrogant fool right. Who has eaten him, if you don't mind me asking?

Sir Bradley Wiggins, says Belle. It seems Chris Froome gave him Ageless as a dinner gift. I know! It's unconscionable!

Even Kobo thinks that's a bit off. She turns a whiter shade of stone. She sighs. Maybe she will begin to miss Ageless. They used to have a thing going, almost telepathic. He used to write... click... click... click... hrrr...my creamy girlfriend, it was rather erotic. She used to write back,,, mmm,,,,, yes,,,, kissy kiss,,,

If Ageless was eaten, she'd know.