Your Parents Nearly Killed Me

Pablo and Dries have done a few circuits.

They have had two skinny lattes in Norwood.

Now they are due to meet Sweezus and Arthur, in town.

Here they are at the bottom of the stairs to the Velosophy office.

Pablo: Watch out for that bird!

Dries: Oops. Sorry bird.

Baby B-B: That's okay. You missed me.

Dries: But what is this feather? Have I dislodged it?

Baby B-B: No that is a golden feather from Mango. I'm brown.

Pablo: Yes this little bird's brown. That can't be its feather.

Dries: Okay, okay.

Pablo (looking closer): It looks like that bird that Arthur left in the coffee cup, only bigger.

Baby B-B: Yes it's me.

Pablo: Dios mio!

Dries: Yes, it seems to have followed us here.

Baby B-B: You smell of coffee, like my mother.

Dries: Is Mango your mother?

Pablo: Golden feather, remember. She can't be.

Dries: I forgot. So who is your mother?

Baby B-B: Arthur. Please give me a lift up the stairs.

Dries picks up baby B-B. The three of them go up the stairs.

Knock.

Hi guys, says Sweezus. Whatcha got there?

Present for Arthur, says Dries.

Arthur looks at his present, which is baby B-B.

Ma-ma, says baby B-B.

You got here early, says Arthur.

I got lifted, says baby B-B. By Mango. Give me a hug.

Arthur doesn't do hugs. Not ever.

Ask for something else, says Arthur.

Coffee, says baby B-B.

There's no coffee either.

The thing is, says Arthur. I left you behind for a reason.

What is it? asks baby B-B.

I'm tied up, says Arthur. And I can't .....

Let me tell him, says Sweezus.

Sweezus bends down to eye level with baby B-B.

It's okay, says Sweezus. Let me tell you a story about your parents.

Uh? says baby B-B.

They were Mr and Mrs Bristlebird, says Sweezus, And they full on nearly killed me. Wrecked my t shirt as well. We had to wrap 'em up in it and stuff 'em into a box with a python. We sent it to this guy Ray, who's an exorcist, but they were Dead On Arrival. All there was was this egg, which was you.

Baby B-B likes this story. Who wouldn't?

And the first person I saw when I was born was Arthur, so now he's my mother, says baby B-B.

No he isn't, says Sweezus.

Sorry to contradict you, says baby B-B. He is.

He looks enquiringly at Arthur.

My mother, says Arthur, made me learn huge chunks of the Bible, and beat me when I made a mistake.

What a head fuck, says Sweezus.

Well actually, says baby B-B, I'm pretty grown up now.

Cool, says Sweezus. You can hang out with us till tomorrow. Then you can hook up with Terence. He knows you're coming.

Who's Terence? asks baby B-B.

My....er....little.....Spanish relative, says Sweezus. And he really likes birds.