It has taken Ageless Lobster more than a week to get here.
I am sorry, beloved, says Ageless Lobster. Delays have beset me.
Delays, mm, says Kobo. Recount them to me.
I shall, my clam-scented beloved, says Ageless Lobster.
Is she still his beloved? he wonders. Perhaps it depends on the quality of his recounting.
Sit, says Kobo.
Ageless begins the long climb. Skitter-skitter-----
Not up here, says Kobo. The floor will do nicely.
Just as well, mutters Ageless.
Can I listen? asks Lavender.
Of course, dear, says Kobo. Ageless, Lavender will be listening!
Thanks for the warning, says Ageless. Are you ready?
Yes, says Kobo.
Yes, says Lavender.
........
Ageless Recounts His Delays:
I received your message. I read it. A bicycle was found in your vicinity. You thought it was mine. I readied myself for a journey.
How? asks Kobo.
I closed my library book, beloved, says Ageless.
What was it? asks Kobo.
Do Dolphins Ever Sleep? replies Ageless.
And do they? asks Kobo.
I may never know, replies Ageless.
Go on, says Kobo.
Yes go on, says Lavender.
I hurried down the staircase, says Ageless, and bumped into The Poet.
THE Poet? says Kobo.
Yes, says Ageless. And as it was his birthday, he was climbing down from his pedestal.
Did you greet him? asks Kobo.
Better than that, beloved, says Ageless. I tripped him. How he cursed. Ye daft piece of shite!
Ye daft piece of shite, whispers Lavender.
Tone down the language, says Kobo. Lavender is listening.
I have toned it down, my creamy beloved, says Ageless. And now you shall learn what happened.
What happened? asks Kobo.
He dropped his wee Scottish parcel, says Ageless. And his airline ticket. He himself was on the ground, struggling. You know how his boots are.
I do not, says Kobo.
Do I? asks Lavender.
You do, says Ageless. 'Tis Rabbie Burns, of the knee high boots and two short legs inside them.
Lavender remembers Rabbie Burns. He took her and Baby Pierre to the beach once.
What was in the parcel? asks Lavender.
All in good time, says Ageless. I picked up the airline ticket and the parcel, caught the J1 bus to the airport and boarded the plane.
Kobo looks sceptical.
You used Rabbie Burns' airline ticket?
Nothing gets past you, my sweetness.
Where to? asks Kobo.
To Sydney, says Ageless. In time for the birthday. Luckily the address was on the birthday card inside the parcel.
You opened it! cries Lavender.
Not exactly, says Ageless.
He squints up at the ladies.
Yes. He has them both hooked now.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Monday, January 23, 2017
From The Space In The Shape
Diego comes round, to return Gaius's bicycle.
Thanks for the loan, says Diego. It's a very cool bicycle.
Snotty gobble, says Gaius. I must write that down. Do you have a pencil?
Yes of course, says Diego.
Aren't some people obliging?
Gaius writes down snotty gobble.
What is snotty gobble? asks Diego.
Cassytha pubescens. A native parasite plant and a good weed controller, says Gaius. I intend to find out if bandicoots eat it.
It sounds delicious, says Diego. Well, I've come to say goodbye. I'm going back to Tenerife in the morning.
Have a safe journey, says Gaius.
Good luck with the spider, says Diego.
Spider? What spider? Asks Gaius.
I heard you found a dead one on Roque Nublo, says Diego. Ying told me.
Saturn's Great Spider Ball Sacs! cries Gaius, mixing his metaphors. I'd completely forgotten!
Do you still have it? asks Diego.
I do, somewhere, says Gaius.
He rummages around in the back pack he hasn't unpacked yet.
Ah yes, the dead spider. He holds it up to the light.
Look at that, will you, says Daniel O'Connell to Dedalus.
I'm looking, says Dedalus. Is it our cousin?
Too many legs, sniffs the Pesquet.
A cruel remark from the Pesquet.
The Pesquet has come to return a borrowed bicycle to Baby Pierre's cousin.
Baby Pierre is not there. And where is the cousin?
On the window sill where Baby Pierre sleeps occasionally, is a whole row of potential cousins, eyeing the Pesquet.
May we help you? asks Kobo.
She isn't a cousin, she is a fossilised clam.
Whose bicycle is this? asks the Pesquet. I'm returning it.
Lavender! calls Kobo. Do you know anything about a borrowed bicycle?
No, nothing. (The voice is coming from somewhere in space. A space in the shape of an auger).
Just leave it here, says Kobo. It'll be someone's.
A thought strikes her. It's not Ageless's, is it?
Diego is examining the dead spider.
Would you like me to take it back with me to La Laguna, and analyse it?
That seems rather a waste of me bringing it back here, says Gaius.
But you had forgotten about it, says Diego.
True, says Gaius. All right then. That is very kind. Let me know what you find out.
Our cousin! cries Dedalus.
Potential cousin, says Daniel O'Connell.
It's GOING, cries Dedalus.
It's DEAD, says Kobo.
Why is she interfering?
She has been reading as usual. This time, 'The Dream of the Celt'.
Now all these interruptions about bicycles, cousins and spiders.
And the Parrot, surely it's something to do with Terence. Kobo can put two and two together as well as the next clam.
And the borrowed bicycle. Too big for a pebble or shell.
The more she thinks about it the more she is sure that the bicycle has been borrowed, perhaps unknowingly, from Ageless Lobster.
Her one time beloved.
That does it. She will write him a note.
She has no need of a pencil.
ageless yes its me dont think i want to be writing to you
oh no i vowed i would never, mmmm, never not after you
but have you noticed a lack of a bicycle
there is one here your size no i am not meaning
o ageless why dont you come over
are you still in the library there
i have been reading the dream of the celt
it is about roger casement
the irish sp... i nearly wrote spider...
ageless come, i have baked you a
ha ha no i havent.... mmm
Seconds later, in the State Library, Ageless Lobster receives the teasing letter......
Thanks for the loan, says Diego. It's a very cool bicycle.
Snotty gobble, says Gaius. I must write that down. Do you have a pencil?
Yes of course, says Diego.
Aren't some people obliging?
Gaius writes down snotty gobble.
What is snotty gobble? asks Diego.
Cassytha pubescens. A native parasite plant and a good weed controller, says Gaius. I intend to find out if bandicoots eat it.
It sounds delicious, says Diego. Well, I've come to say goodbye. I'm going back to Tenerife in the morning.
Have a safe journey, says Gaius.
Good luck with the spider, says Diego.
Spider? What spider? Asks Gaius.
I heard you found a dead one on Roque Nublo, says Diego. Ying told me.
Saturn's Great Spider Ball Sacs! cries Gaius, mixing his metaphors. I'd completely forgotten!
Do you still have it? asks Diego.
I do, somewhere, says Gaius.
He rummages around in the back pack he hasn't unpacked yet.
Ah yes, the dead spider. He holds it up to the light.
Look at that, will you, says Daniel O'Connell to Dedalus.
I'm looking, says Dedalus. Is it our cousin?
Too many legs, sniffs the Pesquet.
A cruel remark from the Pesquet.
The Pesquet has come to return a borrowed bicycle to Baby Pierre's cousin.
Baby Pierre is not there. And where is the cousin?
On the window sill where Baby Pierre sleeps occasionally, is a whole row of potential cousins, eyeing the Pesquet.
May we help you? asks Kobo.
She isn't a cousin, she is a fossilised clam.
Whose bicycle is this? asks the Pesquet. I'm returning it.
Lavender! calls Kobo. Do you know anything about a borrowed bicycle?
No, nothing. (The voice is coming from somewhere in space. A space in the shape of an auger).
Just leave it here, says Kobo. It'll be someone's.
A thought strikes her. It's not Ageless's, is it?
Diego is examining the dead spider.
Would you like me to take it back with me to La Laguna, and analyse it?
That seems rather a waste of me bringing it back here, says Gaius.
But you had forgotten about it, says Diego.
True, says Gaius. All right then. That is very kind. Let me know what you find out.
Our cousin! cries Dedalus.
Potential cousin, says Daniel O'Connell.
It's GOING, cries Dedalus.
It's DEAD, says Kobo.
Why is she interfering?
She has been reading as usual. This time, 'The Dream of the Celt'.
Now all these interruptions about bicycles, cousins and spiders.
And the Parrot, surely it's something to do with Terence. Kobo can put two and two together as well as the next clam.
And the borrowed bicycle. Too big for a pebble or shell.
The more she thinks about it the more she is sure that the bicycle has been borrowed, perhaps unknowingly, from Ageless Lobster.
Her one time beloved.
That does it. She will write him a note.
She has no need of a pencil.
ageless yes its me dont think i want to be writing to you
oh no i vowed i would never, mmmm, never not after you
but have you noticed a lack of a bicycle
there is one here your size no i am not meaning
o ageless why dont you come over
are you still in the library there
i have been reading the dream of the celt
it is about roger casement
the irish sp... i nearly wrote spider...
ageless come, i have baked you a
ha ha no i havent.... mmm
Seconds later, in the State Library, Ageless Lobster receives the teasing letter......
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Stage Six: Adelaide Street Circuit - Lucky
In the morning, before the final street circuit:
I'm disappointed, says Terence. My Parrot Team is rubbish.
Not enough parrots in it, says the Pesquet. And too many spiders.
I WON yesterday, says Dedalus.
He did, says Daniel O'Connell.
But nobody saw me, says Dedalus.
They did not, agrees Daniel O'Connell.
Silence.
If Baby Pierre was here, (but he isn't), he would say:
What Dedalus needs is a bright flag, to signal his presence, but he hasn't got one.
.......
Afternoon.
Adelaide is humming, and buzzing.
Streets are closed, buses diverted.
The 20 lap street race has started.
All Richie Porte has to do is stay on his bike.
Same for the others.
But if Richie does, he'll be the winner. And this will give him a big boost of confidence for the rest of the season.
Richie rides methodically, in amongst his BMC team mates, aware of these things.
Sweezus rides by, with Arthur and Pablo and Diego.
Yo, Richie! says Sweezus.
They look happy, thinks Richie. Even though they've got no chance of winning.
They'll be going surfing, when the Tour Down Under is over,
Richie remembers the time he met Arthur in Beijing, in a backstreet hutong, with Kong, that middle Tang poet.
Yeah. He'd been in some race but DID NOT FINISH.
Gaius was there too, chasing a fossil.
How many circuits have they done now?
Nineteen.
Caleb Ewan looks good. So does Peter Sagan. And Kumpy.
Gaius is pedalling hard. He'll be glad when the race is finished.
Then he'll get on with looking for some sort of native plant weed controller that a bandicoot might find palatable.....yes, roll on the finish.
Vello and David are being held up by Marcel Duchamp, who insists on explaining his kinetic optical device.
It's a globe cut in half with black concentric circles painted on it, says Marcel.
Yes but..., says Vello.
Tell us later, says David. Oi, look out there!
A scooter wheel cuts in front of Duchamp's bike then spins round to whizz under his front wheel.
Marcel wobbles, and rights himself. He's not a bad rider.
Just one of my kinetic works, says Marcel Duchamp. But I've never considered them art.
Did that scooter wheel have a bright flag on it? asks David.
I don't think so, says Vello.
Lucky, says David.
Shortly after, the race ends.
I'm disappointed, says Terence. My Parrot Team is rubbish.
Not enough parrots in it, says the Pesquet. And too many spiders.
I WON yesterday, says Dedalus.
He did, says Daniel O'Connell.
But nobody saw me, says Dedalus.
They did not, agrees Daniel O'Connell.
Silence.
If Baby Pierre was here, (but he isn't), he would say:
What Dedalus needs is a bright flag, to signal his presence, but he hasn't got one.
.......
Afternoon.
Adelaide is humming, and buzzing.
Streets are closed, buses diverted.
The 20 lap street race has started.
All Richie Porte has to do is stay on his bike.
Same for the others.
But if Richie does, he'll be the winner. And this will give him a big boost of confidence for the rest of the season.
Richie rides methodically, in amongst his BMC team mates, aware of these things.
Sweezus rides by, with Arthur and Pablo and Diego.
Yo, Richie! says Sweezus.
They look happy, thinks Richie. Even though they've got no chance of winning.
They'll be going surfing, when the Tour Down Under is over,
Richie remembers the time he met Arthur in Beijing, in a backstreet hutong, with Kong, that middle Tang poet.
Yeah. He'd been in some race but DID NOT FINISH.
Gaius was there too, chasing a fossil.
How many circuits have they done now?
Nineteen.
Caleb Ewan looks good. So does Peter Sagan. And Kumpy.
Gaius is pedalling hard. He'll be glad when the race is finished.
Then he'll get on with looking for some sort of native plant weed controller that a bandicoot might find palatable.....yes, roll on the finish.
Vello and David are being held up by Marcel Duchamp, who insists on explaining his kinetic optical device.
It's a globe cut in half with black concentric circles painted on it, says Marcel.
Yes but..., says Vello.
Tell us later, says David. Oi, look out there!
A scooter wheel cuts in front of Duchamp's bike then spins round to whizz under his front wheel.
Marcel wobbles, and rights himself. He's not a bad rider.
Just one of my kinetic works, says Marcel Duchamp. But I've never considered them art.
Did that scooter wheel have a bright flag on it? asks David.
I don't think so, says Vello.
Lucky, says David.
Shortly after, the race ends.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Stage Five: McLaren Vale to Willunga Hill - Anything Can Happen
Stage Five is a scenic stage through the vineyards and coastal regions of McLaren Vale, ending on a dastardly hill.
A dastardly hill that must be climbed more than once.
Everyone knows (except Richie) that Richie Porte will smash it.
Richie is cautious. He knows ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
If only today would be over.
.......
Not everyone is being so cautious.
Baby Pierre is doing spins and wheelies around Nathan Haas.
Piss off! cries Nathan Haas.
Baby Pierre speeds up to annoy Esteban Chaves.
Vete! shouts Esteban Chaves.
Dedalus is powering ahead. He hasn't forgotten that soon he must climb the dastardly Willunga Hill.
To the uneducated eye, he doesn't look like a contender.
......
Sweezus is looking glummer and glummer.
Richie'll get it. Richie'll get it.
What's that? says Arthur.
I said Richie'll get it.
So what, says Arthur. You're the best rider.
Yeah? says Sweezus. You reckon?
Sure, says Arthur. And when it's all over we'll go surfing.
I'll come with you, says Pablo. We can surf and write poetry together. Now are you feeling more cheerful?
I don't write poetry, says Sweezus. I'm more like, creative.
Arthur and Pablo let him get away with that comment.
.......
Willy Hill approaches, says Vello.
That's one way of looking at motion, says Marcel Duchamp.
I'm getting too old for this, says David.
You say that every year, says Vello.
Imagine, says Marcel Duchamp.
Imagine what? asks David.
Imagine you, superimposed on yourself, says Marcel. Over time... distance... motion....
I don't need to imagine, says David.
Look at the crowds! says Vello. Cheering and getting in the way. This is like the Tour de France, without the French people.
Imagine that, says Marcel Duchamp.
With all these imaginings, no wonder Team Philosophe is not winning.
Who is?
Richie. He is way ahead, 48 seconds in fact, still thinking:
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
And it does, but no one has noticed.
Dedalus is so tiny.
A dastardly hill that must be climbed more than once.
Everyone knows (except Richie) that Richie Porte will smash it.
Richie is cautious. He knows ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
If only today would be over.
.......
Not everyone is being so cautious.
Baby Pierre is doing spins and wheelies around Nathan Haas.
Piss off! cries Nathan Haas.
Baby Pierre speeds up to annoy Esteban Chaves.
Vete! shouts Esteban Chaves.
Dedalus is powering ahead. He hasn't forgotten that soon he must climb the dastardly Willunga Hill.
To the uneducated eye, he doesn't look like a contender.
......
Sweezus is looking glummer and glummer.
Richie'll get it. Richie'll get it.
What's that? says Arthur.
I said Richie'll get it.
So what, says Arthur. You're the best rider.
Yeah? says Sweezus. You reckon?
Sure, says Arthur. And when it's all over we'll go surfing.
I'll come with you, says Pablo. We can surf and write poetry together. Now are you feeling more cheerful?
I don't write poetry, says Sweezus. I'm more like, creative.
Arthur and Pablo let him get away with that comment.
.......
Willy Hill approaches, says Vello.
That's one way of looking at motion, says Marcel Duchamp.
I'm getting too old for this, says David.
You say that every year, says Vello.
Imagine, says Marcel Duchamp.
Imagine what? asks David.
Imagine you, superimposed on yourself, says Marcel. Over time... distance... motion....
I don't need to imagine, says David.
Look at the crowds! says Vello. Cheering and getting in the way. This is like the Tour de France, without the French people.
Imagine that, says Marcel Duchamp.
With all these imaginings, no wonder Team Philosophe is not winning.
Who is?
Richie. He is way ahead, 48 seconds in fact, still thinking:
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
And it does, but no one has noticed.
Dedalus is so tiny.
Friday, January 20, 2017
Stage Four: Norwood to Campbelltown - Cycling Maths
The road is clogged with non-elite cyclists in non-elite shapes and sizes.
Three-Two-One-Go!
The popular BUPA challenge is off and running, from Norwood.
That's 5718 riders out of the way.
Some hours later, Stage Four of the Tour Down Under gets going.
Phil Liggett: This will be a very good day for the riders.
Paul Sherwen: Yes, a great day, after last night's freak storm cleared the air.
Phil Liggett: There goes Richie Porte, wearing the ochre jersey. He'll be trying to protect his position.
Paul Sherwen: Indeed. And there goes Caleb Ewan, the pocket rocket. He's already won two stages and looking for a third in Campelltown this afternoon.
Phil Liggett: Speaking of pocket rockets, Paul, everyone's talking about the Parrot Team. It's all over Twitter. But there seems to be a great deal of confusion.
Paul Sherwen: Yes Phil. Are they parrots? Some people have sworn at least two of them are spiders.
Phil Liggett: Perhaps we'll find out today.
Paul Sherwen: Here comes Team Philosophe, riding together.
Phil Liggett: That's nice to see.
.......
Team Philosophe are riding together.
Marcel Duchamp is determined to explain the benefits of the Shockwheel to his fellow team members.
Marcel Duchamp: The bow spokes are positioned in a spiral arrangement, which allows compression in all directions.
Vello: You don't say. I can't quite picture it.
David: Nor can I.
Marcel Duchamp: Imagine a wheel, with four curved spokes coming out from a central hub to the inside of the rim.
Vello: I see. It could look quite attractive.
Gaius: So it doesn't use conventional fork suspension?
Marcel Duchamp ( taken aback at Gaius's technical knowledge): No.
......
Team Parrot is doing better today, now that Baby Pierre has gone independent.
Daniel O'Connell: Look at Baby Pierre!
The Pesquet: What's he doing?
Dedalus: He's doing wheelies.
Daniel O'Connell: No discipline.
The Pesquet: Look. A bridge. I'm tempted....
Daniel O'Connell: Don't YOU start!
The Pesquet: Point taken.
Dedalus: I'm the team leader.
Daniel O'Connell: So what?
Dedalus: I'm the one who should say DON'T YOU START.
Daniel O'Connell: No, that's the opposite of what a team leader should say.
The Pesquet: Ha Ha. That's funny!
Dedalus: Why?
Daniel O'Connell: Just do what you do best, young Dedalus. I think I see Caleb Ewan.
Dedalus: Yeee!
Dedalus speeds off to try and catch up with Caleb Ewan.
......
Cink, Meyer and Bauer have formed a breakaway early.....
....and Cink has got King of the Mountain, on Checker Hill.
They stay out there in front for ages but....
...one by one, they're picked off and absorbed by the peloton.
There is too much head wind and too many people wanting a bunch sprint finish.
In the end it is Caleb Ewan again, pipping Peter Sagan who comes second, and Danny van Poppel, who comes third.
Fantastic.
But Richie Porte still wears the ochre jersey, due to some sort of cycling maths.
Three-Two-One-Go!
The popular BUPA challenge is off and running, from Norwood.
That's 5718 riders out of the way.
Some hours later, Stage Four of the Tour Down Under gets going.
Phil Liggett: This will be a very good day for the riders.
Paul Sherwen: Yes, a great day, after last night's freak storm cleared the air.
Phil Liggett: There goes Richie Porte, wearing the ochre jersey. He'll be trying to protect his position.
Paul Sherwen: Indeed. And there goes Caleb Ewan, the pocket rocket. He's already won two stages and looking for a third in Campelltown this afternoon.
Phil Liggett: Speaking of pocket rockets, Paul, everyone's talking about the Parrot Team. It's all over Twitter. But there seems to be a great deal of confusion.
Paul Sherwen: Yes Phil. Are they parrots? Some people have sworn at least two of them are spiders.
Phil Liggett: Perhaps we'll find out today.
Paul Sherwen: Here comes Team Philosophe, riding together.
Phil Liggett: That's nice to see.
.......
Team Philosophe are riding together.
Marcel Duchamp is determined to explain the benefits of the Shockwheel to his fellow team members.
Marcel Duchamp: The bow spokes are positioned in a spiral arrangement, which allows compression in all directions.
Vello: You don't say. I can't quite picture it.
David: Nor can I.
Marcel Duchamp: Imagine a wheel, with four curved spokes coming out from a central hub to the inside of the rim.
Vello: I see. It could look quite attractive.
Gaius: So it doesn't use conventional fork suspension?
Marcel Duchamp ( taken aback at Gaius's technical knowledge): No.
......
Team Parrot is doing better today, now that Baby Pierre has gone independent.
Daniel O'Connell: Look at Baby Pierre!
The Pesquet: What's he doing?
Dedalus: He's doing wheelies.
Daniel O'Connell: No discipline.
The Pesquet: Look. A bridge. I'm tempted....
Daniel O'Connell: Don't YOU start!
The Pesquet: Point taken.
Dedalus: I'm the team leader.
Daniel O'Connell: So what?
Dedalus: I'm the one who should say DON'T YOU START.
Daniel O'Connell: No, that's the opposite of what a team leader should say.
The Pesquet: Ha Ha. That's funny!
Dedalus: Why?
Daniel O'Connell: Just do what you do best, young Dedalus. I think I see Caleb Ewan.
Dedalus: Yeee!
Dedalus speeds off to try and catch up with Caleb Ewan.
......
Cink, Meyer and Bauer have formed a breakaway early.....
....and Cink has got King of the Mountain, on Checker Hill.
They stay out there in front for ages but....
...one by one, they're picked off and absorbed by the peloton.
There is too much head wind and too many people wanting a bunch sprint finish.
In the end it is Caleb Ewan again, pipping Peter Sagan who comes second, and Danny van Poppel, who comes third.
Fantastic.
But Richie Porte still wears the ochre jersey, due to some sort of cycling maths.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Stage Three: Glenelg to Victor Harbour - Not Rational
In Glenelg, before the race, Terence is talking.
Terence: This is the plan. Listen.
Baby Pierre: How come?
Terence: I'm the manager.
The Pesquet: He is the manager. What's the plan?
Terence: Keep up with the winner.
Dedalus: That's a good plan. I'm going to keep up with the winner.
Daniel O'Connell. And ride past him.
Dedalus: What?
Daniel O'Connell: Then you'll be the winner.
Baby Pierre: If you want to be the winner.
Terence: Everyone wants to be the winner.
Baby Pierre: Not me. A free thinker doesn't have to be the winner.
Daniel O'Connell: What does he have to be?
Baby Pierre: Whatever he likes.
Terence: That's it. You're out of the team.
The Pesquet: So who's the team leader?
Terence: No one.
Dedalus: I will be!
......
The race starts, in warm and humid conditions.
Marcel Duchamp is in a low mood this morning.
Marcel Duchamp: It's called the Shockwheel.
David: And you didn't invent it?
Marcel Duchamp: Apparently not. Well I did, but independently.
Vello: Have a Power Bar.
Marcel Duchamp (chomps on his Power Bar): Thanks.
David: It must have been part of the zeitgeist.
Vello: The Shockwheel? Must it?
David: Artists are often the first to come up with new concepts.
Marcel Duchamp: That's very true. I came up with the concept of depicting the fourth dimension on canvas.
Vello: Was that your 'Sad Young Man on a Train'?
Marcel Duchamp: It was. Elementary parallelism. Two sorts of movement. The young man is moving within the train and....
Vello; Yes, yes, we get it. Was that before or after Einstein?
Marcel Duchamp: Meaningless question. It was simply a part of the zeitgeist.
David: I already pointed that out.
Vello: Elementary parallelism, my dear Watson.
Marcel Duchamp: Ha ha! You fellows have cheered me up. Would you like me to explain the Shockwheel? It incorporates shock absorbing properties by using bow spokes...
Vello: Not now. It's raining.
Sweezus rides by, led out by Arthur who is doing the right thing by his leader, for a change.
Sweezus: Did you see Izaguirre?
Arthur: Blood all down his back and shoulders.
Sweezus: Yeah. Could've been me. Hey look! A weird scooter wheel! Is that Dedalus?
They climb Sellicks Hill, but Sweezus doesn't get King of the Mountain.
Dedalus might have, had he been larger.
....
Gaius is pedalling mechanically.
He is nearly in Victor Harbour.
His mind is preoccupied with the bandicoot he saw yesterday.
Yes, when this is all over he ought to get onto it.
Blackberries are the problem.....
The bandicoots rely on the blackberry shrub for food and shelter but the blackberries are an invasive species......
At its core the universe is not rational.
Where did that come from?
Schopenhauers's bicycle! Gaius can't help agreeing.
Peter Sagan powers by, chasing Caleb Ewan, followed by Niccolo Bonifazio.
The crowd cheers.
Gaius looks up.
Terence: This is the plan. Listen.
Baby Pierre: How come?
Terence: I'm the manager.
The Pesquet: He is the manager. What's the plan?
Terence: Keep up with the winner.
Dedalus: That's a good plan. I'm going to keep up with the winner.
Daniel O'Connell. And ride past him.
Dedalus: What?
Daniel O'Connell: Then you'll be the winner.
Baby Pierre: If you want to be the winner.
Terence: Everyone wants to be the winner.
Baby Pierre: Not me. A free thinker doesn't have to be the winner.
Daniel O'Connell: What does he have to be?
Baby Pierre: Whatever he likes.
Terence: That's it. You're out of the team.
The Pesquet: So who's the team leader?
Terence: No one.
Dedalus: I will be!
......
The race starts, in warm and humid conditions.
Marcel Duchamp is in a low mood this morning.
Marcel Duchamp: It's called the Shockwheel.
David: And you didn't invent it?
Marcel Duchamp: Apparently not. Well I did, but independently.
Vello: Have a Power Bar.
Marcel Duchamp (chomps on his Power Bar): Thanks.
David: It must have been part of the zeitgeist.
Vello: The Shockwheel? Must it?
David: Artists are often the first to come up with new concepts.
Marcel Duchamp: That's very true. I came up with the concept of depicting the fourth dimension on canvas.
Vello: Was that your 'Sad Young Man on a Train'?
Marcel Duchamp: It was. Elementary parallelism. Two sorts of movement. The young man is moving within the train and....
Vello; Yes, yes, we get it. Was that before or after Einstein?
Marcel Duchamp: Meaningless question. It was simply a part of the zeitgeist.
David: I already pointed that out.
Vello: Elementary parallelism, my dear Watson.
Marcel Duchamp: Ha ha! You fellows have cheered me up. Would you like me to explain the Shockwheel? It incorporates shock absorbing properties by using bow spokes...
Vello: Not now. It's raining.
Sweezus rides by, led out by Arthur who is doing the right thing by his leader, for a change.
Sweezus: Did you see Izaguirre?
Arthur: Blood all down his back and shoulders.
Sweezus: Yeah. Could've been me. Hey look! A weird scooter wheel! Is that Dedalus?
They climb Sellicks Hill, but Sweezus doesn't get King of the Mountain.
Dedalus might have, had he been larger.
....
Gaius is pedalling mechanically.
He is nearly in Victor Harbour.
His mind is preoccupied with the bandicoot he saw yesterday.
Yes, when this is all over he ought to get onto it.
Blackberries are the problem.....
The bandicoots rely on the blackberry shrub for food and shelter but the blackberries are an invasive species......
At its core the universe is not rational.
Where did that come from?
Schopenhauers's bicycle! Gaius can't help agreeing.
Peter Sagan powers by, chasing Caleb Ewan, followed by Niccolo Bonifazio.
The crowd cheers.
Gaius looks up.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Stage Two: Stirling to Paracombe - Not To Be Happy
A cooler day than yesterday.
In Stirling, the teams gather.
Team Equipo de Loro (Team Parrot) is being given a pep talk.
Not by Terence, but by Baby Pierre.
Baby Pierre: I don't mind what you do.
The Pesquet: I do.
Baby Pierre: You didn't yesterday.
The Pesquet: It's my training. They taught us to ride over tiny
bridges.
Daniel O'Connell: I saw you riding backwards.
The Pesquet: They taught us that too.
Dedalus: That won't help us with winning!
Baby Pierre: Ha ha! Dedalus is focused on winning.
They trundle off, just as Terence approaches.
Terence: Wah!
.......
The race is under way now.
The teams do several circuits through Stirling, then head towards
Paracombe.
Vello: Where exactly is Paracombe? I've never heard of it.
David: We'll follow the others.
Marcel Duchamp: Mind if I stop for a moment?
Vello: Why?
Marcel Duchamp: I've had an idea for a new type of wheel.
Gaius rides up from behind.
Vello: Gaius! Caught up at last. Making hard work of it?
Gaius: The purpose of our existence is not to be happy.
David: Was there some doubt ?
Vello: Perhaps you should ask Schopenhauer. It's a good
question.
David: Glad you approve.
Richie Porte sails by, on an upward trajectory.
Vello: There goes Richie. Wouldn't be surprised if he wins. Good
climbing legs.
Gaius: The reason I was so far behind was....
Marcel Duchamp: I might catch up with Richie. He'll be interested
in my new wheel design.
He speeds up, surprising his fellow Team Philosophe members.
Gaius: A bandicoot.
David: What about it?
Gaius: Thought I saw one. Did you know they were endangered?
David: We are all endangered.
Vello: How true. Where is Belle with our food bags?
Ah. There she is now.
Belle is standing at the side of the road to Norton Summit,
holding out a food bag packed with smoked salmon sandwiches.
Belle: Marcel's got his already! He's level with Richie.
Vello: Is there any water?
........
Ying is waiting with water.
Gorka Iziguirra speeds by.
Then Sweezus and Diego.
Diego is thirsty, having missed the last handout of water.
He reaches out towards Ying.
She hands him the last of the water.
......
Richie has got away from Marcel Duchamp.
Jeez! What a time to start telling a chap about bow spokes.
But that's okay. With his good climbing legs Richie wins the stage
easily.
He reckons he's now in a good place to win the whole Tour.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Stage One: Unley To Lyndoch - No Clowns
Tuesday. Stage One. Unley to Lyndoch.
An extremely hot day. The riders push ice down the backs of their jerseys.
They ride through Mawson Lakes, and One Tree Hill, into Lyndoch.
This is the Barossa, wine country.
Ying is standing at the side of the road with Terence, under a lemon umbrella.
I HATE being a manager, says Terence.
At least you don't have to ride, says Ying. Your poor team does.
But where ARE they? asks Terence.
Ying looks down the road. Someone is coming. Looks like a rider from Team Astana.
Yes it's Laurens De Vreese.
He is sweating so much that his sweat drops fall on Ying's lemon umbrella.
Go, you! cries Ying.
He takes her advice. Now here comes the main peloton.
Zoom. More sweat drops.
Look, there go Arthur and Pablo,
Let's follow them for a moment.
Pablo: I throw sweat drops to either side of my body....
Arthur: The grapes suck it voraciously and vomit up spots of blue wine.
Pablo: Vomit?
Arthur: Yes. I think vomit works there.
It's poetry. Not very edifying. Let's go back to Ying's lemon umbrella.
There was a CLOWN, says Terence. He was really mean.
That was in France, says Ying. There are no clowns in Lyndoch. Look, here comes Peter Sagan.
Peter Sagan cruises by, with Sam Bennett. You would never even know they were hot.
And look! Team Philosophe! Is that Gaius? So he's back. Gaius!
Gaius looks up. He's riding Schopenhauer's bicycle.
Words in his head... is it Schopenhauer? From the brave and good ( pedal, pedal) are the brave descended, (sweat, sweat). Well no, Gaius prefers to think that it's Horace.
( It's Schopenhauer, quoting Horace, but his bicycle may not know that).
Marcel Duchamp sails by, in between Vello and David.
Let's follow.
Marcel Duchamp: It was that same scooter wheel, but with modifications. Tiny struts and delicate beadings, connected by finely wrought webs.
Vello: If you say so.
David: Pshaw!
Yes, but Duchamp must have seen something. My guess is someone from the PARROT TEAM.
Sweezus is led out by Diego.
Diego is being quite useful.
Sweezus looks good, he might just nail it today. Yes.... no.... Caleb Ewan comes up behind him. And Danny van Poppel, and Sam Bennett.
Shit. Lost it. But hey, it's early days yet.
And it might be cooler tomorrow.
An extremely hot day. The riders push ice down the backs of their jerseys.
They ride through Mawson Lakes, and One Tree Hill, into Lyndoch.
This is the Barossa, wine country.
Ying is standing at the side of the road with Terence, under a lemon umbrella.
I HATE being a manager, says Terence.
At least you don't have to ride, says Ying. Your poor team does.
But where ARE they? asks Terence.
Ying looks down the road. Someone is coming. Looks like a rider from Team Astana.
Yes it's Laurens De Vreese.
He is sweating so much that his sweat drops fall on Ying's lemon umbrella.
Go, you! cries Ying.
He takes her advice. Now here comes the main peloton.
Zoom. More sweat drops.
Look, there go Arthur and Pablo,
Let's follow them for a moment.
Pablo: I throw sweat drops to either side of my body....
Arthur: The grapes suck it voraciously and vomit up spots of blue wine.
Pablo: Vomit?
Arthur: Yes. I think vomit works there.
It's poetry. Not very edifying. Let's go back to Ying's lemon umbrella.
There was a CLOWN, says Terence. He was really mean.
That was in France, says Ying. There are no clowns in Lyndoch. Look, here comes Peter Sagan.
Peter Sagan cruises by, with Sam Bennett. You would never even know they were hot.
And look! Team Philosophe! Is that Gaius? So he's back. Gaius!
Gaius looks up. He's riding Schopenhauer's bicycle.
Words in his head... is it Schopenhauer? From the brave and good ( pedal, pedal) are the brave descended, (sweat, sweat). Well no, Gaius prefers to think that it's Horace.
( It's Schopenhauer, quoting Horace, but his bicycle may not know that).
Marcel Duchamp sails by, in between Vello and David.
Let's follow.
Marcel Duchamp: It was that same scooter wheel, but with modifications. Tiny struts and delicate beadings, connected by finely wrought webs.
Vello: If you say so.
David: Pshaw!
Yes, but Duchamp must have seen something. My guess is someone from the PARROT TEAM.
Sweezus is led out by Diego.
Diego is being quite useful.
Sweezus looks good, he might just nail it today. Yes.... no.... Caleb Ewan comes up behind him. And Danny van Poppel, and Sam Bennett.
Shit. Lost it. But hey, it's early days yet.
And it might be cooler tomorrow.
Monday, January 16, 2017
Extra Brain Work
Monday is a rest day. But no one needs a rest (yet).
David and Vello are showing Marcel Duchamp round Victoria Square (Tardanyangga - Red Kangaroo Dreaming).
Marcel Duchamp stops under the statue of Queen Victoria, and takes a photo.
You surprise me, says David. This statue is the epitome of the conventional.
Exactly, says Marcel Duchamp. And I am standing below it, seeing a Red Kangaroo Tail.
I see it, says Vello.
I don't, says David.
I visualise it, flicking out from under her voluminous robes, says Vello.
That's not where I see it, says Marcel Duchamp.
There, I knew it, says David. There is no Red Kangaroo Tail.
The point is, says Marcel Duchamp..... do I really need to explain it?
You do for him, says Vello. Not for me. In fact, let me .....
Go ahead, says Marcel Duchamp. His attention has already been caught by the Victoria Square fountain. He heads over.
Well? says David.
Conceptual art requires extra brain work, says Vello.
There is no TAIL, says David. Not a Red one, not a Kangaroo one. How is anyone supposed to know what the Artist is thinking?
He's exploring that notion, says Vello. Oh look, he's got up on the rim of the the fountain!
They hurry over. Not wanting their artistic team mate to fall into the actual water.
.....
That is not all that happens on Monday. This happens:
Gaius arrives home, to an empty garden shed.
His racing bicycle is missing.
He calls Arthur.
Actually, says Arthur, Diego has it. We thought you weren't coming.
That's fine, says Gaius. I'll ride Schopenhauer's bike. It has no power over me whatsoever.
Understandable, says Arthur. But have you talked to Vello? Team Philosophe had to find a new rider.
Saturn's Sausages! says Gaius. Does this mean I've come home early for nothing?
Not necessarily, says Arthur.
.....
Also this happens:
Peter Sagan is looking at the weather report for Tuesday.
Peter Sagan: Thirty nine degrees centigrade!
He makes a sour face.
......
And this happens:
A group of riders has come to complain to Mike Turtur
Mike Turtur: What's the problem, exactly?
Geraint Thomas: A parrot on a bicycle.
Tom-Jelte Slagter: And two unaccompanied wheels.
Giovanni Visconti: No, the wheels had spiders inside them.
Tom-Jelte Slagter: Woohoo, Giovanni! Sharp eyes!
Cameron Meyer: Yeah, and some of the guys are saying.....
Mike Turtur: What? What are they saying?/
Cameron Meyer: That it's the Parrot Team. You know, THE PARROT TEAM?
Mike Turtur: Let me check the registrations.......hm...hm... no, no Parrot Team, but I'll put out an alert with the other team officials. Now off you go, boys, and don't worry.
Geraint Thomas: Don't worry, he says. I knew nothing would happen.
David and Vello are showing Marcel Duchamp round Victoria Square (Tardanyangga - Red Kangaroo Dreaming).
Marcel Duchamp stops under the statue of Queen Victoria, and takes a photo.
You surprise me, says David. This statue is the epitome of the conventional.
Exactly, says Marcel Duchamp. And I am standing below it, seeing a Red Kangaroo Tail.
I see it, says Vello.
I don't, says David.
I visualise it, flicking out from under her voluminous robes, says Vello.
That's not where I see it, says Marcel Duchamp.
There, I knew it, says David. There is no Red Kangaroo Tail.
The point is, says Marcel Duchamp..... do I really need to explain it?
You do for him, says Vello. Not for me. In fact, let me .....
Go ahead, says Marcel Duchamp. His attention has already been caught by the Victoria Square fountain. He heads over.
Well? says David.
Conceptual art requires extra brain work, says Vello.
There is no TAIL, says David. Not a Red one, not a Kangaroo one. How is anyone supposed to know what the Artist is thinking?
He's exploring that notion, says Vello. Oh look, he's got up on the rim of the the fountain!
They hurry over. Not wanting their artistic team mate to fall into the actual water.
.....
That is not all that happens on Monday. This happens:
Gaius arrives home, to an empty garden shed.
His racing bicycle is missing.
He calls Arthur.
Actually, says Arthur, Diego has it. We thought you weren't coming.
That's fine, says Gaius. I'll ride Schopenhauer's bike. It has no power over me whatsoever.
Understandable, says Arthur. But have you talked to Vello? Team Philosophe had to find a new rider.
Saturn's Sausages! says Gaius. Does this mean I've come home early for nothing?
Not necessarily, says Arthur.
.....
Also this happens:
Peter Sagan is looking at the weather report for Tuesday.
Peter Sagan: Thirty nine degrees centigrade!
He makes a sour face.
......
And this happens:
A group of riders has come to complain to Mike Turtur
Mike Turtur: What's the problem, exactly?
Geraint Thomas: A parrot on a bicycle.
Tom-Jelte Slagter: And two unaccompanied wheels.
Giovanni Visconti: No, the wheels had spiders inside them.
Tom-Jelte Slagter: Woohoo, Giovanni! Sharp eyes!
Cameron Meyer: Yeah, and some of the guys are saying.....
Mike Turtur: What? What are they saying?/
Cameron Meyer: That it's the Parrot Team. You know, THE PARROT TEAM?
Mike Turtur: Let me check the registrations.......hm...hm... no, no Parrot Team, but I'll put out an alert with the other team officials. Now off you go, boys, and don't worry.
Geraint Thomas: Don't worry, he says. I knew nothing would happen.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
The People's Classic - All About Wheels
Sunday morning, Ying turns up at Gaius's front door, which is open.
Gaius doesn't seem to be back yet. She goes through to the kitchen.
No one is there, but noises are coming from Gaius's back garden shed.
She heads for the shed, stopping on the way to admire a fine hollyhock.
Mm. Very pretty.
Inside the shed are Terence, Baby Pierre and the Pesquet, two tiny bicycles, two scooter wheels and a wheel-less scooter.
What's up? says Ying. Something wrong with the scooter?
Wah! says Terence. They wrecked it.
But nothing looks broken, says Ying.
Daniel O'Connell emerges from under one of the scooter wheels, where he has been tinkering.
Dedalus emerges from under the other.
Any luck guys? asks Baby Pierre.
No, says Daniel O'Connell. One wheel each is one wheel deficient.
Ah, says Ying. I see the problem. You just need a push off. Come out into the garden.
They go out onto the grass.
Dedalus climbs into one of the circular spaces in the lightweight honeycomb grid of the Root Honeycore Air Wheel.
Ready? asks Ying.
Ready! says Dedalus.
She give him an almighty push.
Yeee! shrieks Dedalus, as he hurtles forward, towards the pink hollyhock.
A near miss. The hollyhock trembles. Dedalus leaps out of the grid hole.
No damage. And now they have more information.
Steering is your problem, observes the Pesquet.
When's the first race? asks Ying.
This evening, says Baby Pierre.
After the undies run, says Terence. Everyone wears their undies.
Shut up about the undies run, says Baby Pierre.
I don't have to, says Terence.
( Now he 's sulking. He is NOT a good manager).
I'll take you to Treadly Bikes, says Ying. They'll rig up something. They're pretty cluey.
Everyone brightens at once.
.........
That evening. The Peoples Classic.
Pop! the race starts.
It's a 2km circuit that goes along Hutt Street, Bartels Road, Dequetteville Terrace and Wakefield Street, in a different direction to last year.
No doubt you'll remember what that was.
Team Philosophe gets off to a leisurely start.
Vello: No point knackering ourselves early.
David: Not today, no.
Marcel Duchamp: Mind if I stop to take a look at that sculpture?
Vello: Not allowed. You can go back and see it tomorrow.
Marcel Duchamp: You're in charge now?
David: He is. After all he is revered by everyone.
Vello: You're still smarting, aren't you?
David: No, of course not. But really. The 'well known empiricist'. I should have expected Phil Liggett to come up with something more.....effusive.
Marcel Duchamp: Whoof! Did you see that?
Vello: What was it?
David: Caleb Ewan? Peter Sagan? Sam Bennett?
Marcel Duchamp: No it was tiny. It looked like a Root Honeycore Air Wheel.
Vello: Impressive spotting and wheel knowledge, Marcel! Take a note, Mr Empiricist!
David: Bastard!
They pedal on on silence, round the circuit, in this year's direction, many times over............
Gaius doesn't seem to be back yet. She goes through to the kitchen.
No one is there, but noises are coming from Gaius's back garden shed.
She heads for the shed, stopping on the way to admire a fine hollyhock.
Mm. Very pretty.
Inside the shed are Terence, Baby Pierre and the Pesquet, two tiny bicycles, two scooter wheels and a wheel-less scooter.
What's up? says Ying. Something wrong with the scooter?
Wah! says Terence. They wrecked it.
But nothing looks broken, says Ying.
Daniel O'Connell emerges from under one of the scooter wheels, where he has been tinkering.
Dedalus emerges from under the other.
Any luck guys? asks Baby Pierre.
No, says Daniel O'Connell. One wheel each is one wheel deficient.
Ah, says Ying. I see the problem. You just need a push off. Come out into the garden.
They go out onto the grass.
Dedalus climbs into one of the circular spaces in the lightweight honeycomb grid of the Root Honeycore Air Wheel.
Ready? asks Ying.
Ready! says Dedalus.
She give him an almighty push.
Yeee! shrieks Dedalus, as he hurtles forward, towards the pink hollyhock.
A near miss. The hollyhock trembles. Dedalus leaps out of the grid hole.
No damage. And now they have more information.
Steering is your problem, observes the Pesquet.
When's the first race? asks Ying.
This evening, says Baby Pierre.
After the undies run, says Terence. Everyone wears their undies.
Shut up about the undies run, says Baby Pierre.
I don't have to, says Terence.
( Now he 's sulking. He is NOT a good manager).
I'll take you to Treadly Bikes, says Ying. They'll rig up something. They're pretty cluey.
Everyone brightens at once.
.........
That evening. The Peoples Classic.
Pop! the race starts.
It's a 2km circuit that goes along Hutt Street, Bartels Road, Dequetteville Terrace and Wakefield Street, in a different direction to last year.
No doubt you'll remember what that was.
Team Philosophe gets off to a leisurely start.
Vello: No point knackering ourselves early.
David: Not today, no.
Marcel Duchamp: Mind if I stop to take a look at that sculpture?
Vello: Not allowed. You can go back and see it tomorrow.
Marcel Duchamp: You're in charge now?
David: He is. After all he is revered by everyone.
Vello: You're still smarting, aren't you?
David: No, of course not. But really. The 'well known empiricist'. I should have expected Phil Liggett to come up with something more.....effusive.
Marcel Duchamp: Whoof! Did you see that?
Vello: What was it?
David: Caleb Ewan? Peter Sagan? Sam Bennett?
Marcel Duchamp: No it was tiny. It looked like a Root Honeycore Air Wheel.
Vello: Impressive spotting and wheel knowledge, Marcel! Take a note, Mr Empiricist!
David: Bastard!
They pedal on on silence, round the circuit, in this year's direction, many times over............
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Happenings For No Reasons
It's not true that everything happens for a reason.
It only may seem so.
Or sometimes, the reason is bad.
The German climber landed at the feet of Gaius and Kong with a severely bruised ankle.
And could not resume his climb.
Kindly Kong sat him down on a flat rock and spoke of the soothing qualities of ice, hoping the words would suffice to effect a recovery. (He had no real ice).
Gaius was idly staring at the climber's stout shoes, while weighing up in his mind whether it were nobler to be a Knight of the Tortoise, or an anxious Carved Cloud. ( A no-brainer)......
...when he spied a wisp of spidery webbing, attached to the climber's left shoe.
Jumping Jigglybits! A dead loxosceles (not yet proven, but likely) spider, dangling from it.
Would you mind? asked Gaius.
Of course not, said the German. I don't need it.
And Gaius extracted his arachnidan prize.
........
In Dubai, Kong takes his leave of Gaius.
You made a wise choice, says Kong. And see how well it turned out.
Indeed, says Gaius. Well, Kong, this is goodbye for the present. Good luck with the New Confucian Manifesto.
Thank you, says Kong. Good luck with the Tour.
Tour? says Gaius. Oh yes the Tour. Most kind. Thank you.
........
In Gaius's garden shed Equipo de Loro works feverishly, on the two extra bikes.
Dedalus's idea was a good one.
Take the wheels off the scooter. That's one wheel each.
How to remove: Place Allen keys into both sides of the axle heads and turn them anticlockwise. Gently push inwards. When the bolts are undone push the axle bolt through with the Allen key, thus removing the wheel.
( so you see, I don't make things up).
......
Saturday, 6.30 pm at the Tour Village, the Team Presentation.
(Highlights only. It's long)
Phil Liggett: And next we have Team Philosophe! Team leader, the widely revered, and not just by philosophers, Voltaire! aka Vello!
(loud cheering)
And the team has a new surprise rider. Marcel Duchamp, the famous father of Conceptual Art. There's nothing he doesn't know about bicycle wheels, I assure you.
(more cheering)
And thirdly, the well known empiricist, David Hume!
(cheers and muted hooting)
Phil Liggett: And next up, we have Team BMC. First on stage, Richie Porte! They say he's the man to beat this year. And next, another popular and talented rider.... Rohan Dennis!
(cheers and whistles)
....and so forth. That's enough highlights.
8.30pm: A free concert in the Tour Village.
The headline act is: Birds of Tokyo, indie rock band.
They play songs from their new album, Brace.
Arthur and Pablo are reasonably impressed with the lyrics
If I had to drown myself in gasoline would you carry the match for me?
But the Pesquet, who has turned up thinking Birds of Tokyo would be ... birds ... is disappointed.
It only may seem so.
Or sometimes, the reason is bad.
The German climber landed at the feet of Gaius and Kong with a severely bruised ankle.
And could not resume his climb.
Kindly Kong sat him down on a flat rock and spoke of the soothing qualities of ice, hoping the words would suffice to effect a recovery. (He had no real ice).
Gaius was idly staring at the climber's stout shoes, while weighing up in his mind whether it were nobler to be a Knight of the Tortoise, or an anxious Carved Cloud. ( A no-brainer)......
...when he spied a wisp of spidery webbing, attached to the climber's left shoe.
Jumping Jigglybits! A dead loxosceles (not yet proven, but likely) spider, dangling from it.
Would you mind? asked Gaius.
Of course not, said the German. I don't need it.
And Gaius extracted his arachnidan prize.
........
In Dubai, Kong takes his leave of Gaius.
You made a wise choice, says Kong. And see how well it turned out.
Indeed, says Gaius. Well, Kong, this is goodbye for the present. Good luck with the New Confucian Manifesto.
Thank you, says Kong. Good luck with the Tour.
Tour? says Gaius. Oh yes the Tour. Most kind. Thank you.
........
In Gaius's garden shed Equipo de Loro works feverishly, on the two extra bikes.
Dedalus's idea was a good one.
Take the wheels off the scooter. That's one wheel each.
How to remove: Place Allen keys into both sides of the axle heads and turn them anticlockwise. Gently push inwards. When the bolts are undone push the axle bolt through with the Allen key, thus removing the wheel.
( so you see, I don't make things up).
......
Saturday, 6.30 pm at the Tour Village, the Team Presentation.
(Highlights only. It's long)
Phil Liggett: And next we have Team Philosophe! Team leader, the widely revered, and not just by philosophers, Voltaire! aka Vello!
(loud cheering)
And the team has a new surprise rider. Marcel Duchamp, the famous father of Conceptual Art. There's nothing he doesn't know about bicycle wheels, I assure you.
(more cheering)
And thirdly, the well known empiricist, David Hume!
(cheers and muted hooting)
Phil Liggett: And next up, we have Team BMC. First on stage, Richie Porte! They say he's the man to beat this year. And next, another popular and talented rider.... Rohan Dennis!
(cheers and whistles)
....and so forth. That's enough highlights.
8.30pm: A free concert in the Tour Village.
The headline act is: Birds of Tokyo, indie rock band.
They play songs from their new album, Brace.
Arthur and Pablo are reasonably impressed with the lyrics
If I had to drown myself in gasoline would you carry the match for me?
But the Pesquet, who has turned up thinking Birds of Tokyo would be ... birds ... is disappointed.
Friday, January 13, 2017
The Golden Tortoise
Gaius and Kong have reached the foot of Roque Nublo.
A 67 metre basaltic rock on a lunar platform.
Three German climbers are preparing to climb it.
Gaius approaches. Kong hangs back.
Excuse me, says Gaius. I see you are planning to climb Roque Nublo. Would you care to make a small contribution to the field of natural science?
Nein! says the leader. We have not brought money.
You misunderstand me, says Gaius. I merely wish you to peer into nooks and crannies as you ascend Roque Nublo, and inform me of the presence of a particular species of spider.
Ach! You mean the endemic lineage of loxosceles, says the leader. I don't think we will see any. I believe they are only active at night.
Drat! I had forgotten, says Gaius. Well, thank you, young man. Enjoy your climb.
The three Germans start to head up Roque Nublo.
A setback, Kong, says Gaius. The spiders are active at night.
I hope you're not thinking of waiting, says Kong. You must return home to your team mates.
I am torn between duties, says Gaius.
Listen to this, says Kong. It may help you:
There is only one Carved Cloud, exquisite always,
Yet she dreads the spring, blowing cold in the palace
When her husband, a Knight of the Golden Tortoise,
Will leave her sweet bed to be early at court.
Ha ha, laughs Gaius. A Knight of the Golden Tortoise! Very funny! Of course he'd get up early!
Kong frowns. It's not the response that he hoped for.
Overhead, a skittering is heard, and a bump!
One of the Germans has slid to the bottom of Roque Nublo. His carabiners were faulty.
........
A cool day in Adelaide.
Sweezus, Arthur, Pablo and Diego are out for their first practice ride.
Diego is riding Gaius's bicycle.
Good bike, says Diego. But what if Gaius comes back?
No worries. We'll give you the Schopenhauer, says Sweezus. You speak German?
No, says Diego. Just Spanish and English and Silbo.
Cool, says Sweezus. The philosophy won't affect you.
He looks back at Arthur and Pablo.
I reckon we'll smash it this year, says Sweezus. Good legs on everyone.
I hope so, says Diego. But the other teams have famous riders. The Team Philosophe has Marcel Duchamp. And there is a Parrot Team...... are you not worried?
What Parrot Team? says Sweezus.
Equipo de Loro, says Diego.
That's just some nutso rumour, says Sweezus.
Arthur said... begins Diego.
Oh yeah, Arthur said... replies Sweezus. No harm in being creative.
.......
Equipo de Loro is no fantasy.
It is evolving in Gaius garden shed.
Baby Pierre is the leader. He has a bicycle with wheels made of green fluoroelastane.
Rider Two is the Pesquet. He has Baby Pierre's other bicycle (really his cousin's).
Rider Three is Daniel O'Connell. He doesn't yet have a bicycle.
Nor does tiny seven-legged Dedalus, rider Four.
Fortunately their Team Manager, Terence, has found his old scooter.
But if you don't mind me asking, says Daniel O'Connell. How do you propose to make one scooter into two bicycles?
Terence looks at the Pesquet. After all, he's the smart one.
I know! says Dedalus, who has matured quite a lot since two days ago.
A 67 metre basaltic rock on a lunar platform.
Three German climbers are preparing to climb it.
Gaius approaches. Kong hangs back.
Excuse me, says Gaius. I see you are planning to climb Roque Nublo. Would you care to make a small contribution to the field of natural science?
Nein! says the leader. We have not brought money.
You misunderstand me, says Gaius. I merely wish you to peer into nooks and crannies as you ascend Roque Nublo, and inform me of the presence of a particular species of spider.
Ach! You mean the endemic lineage of loxosceles, says the leader. I don't think we will see any. I believe they are only active at night.
Drat! I had forgotten, says Gaius. Well, thank you, young man. Enjoy your climb.
The three Germans start to head up Roque Nublo.
A setback, Kong, says Gaius. The spiders are active at night.
I hope you're not thinking of waiting, says Kong. You must return home to your team mates.
I am torn between duties, says Gaius.
Listen to this, says Kong. It may help you:
There is only one Carved Cloud, exquisite always,
Yet she dreads the spring, blowing cold in the palace
When her husband, a Knight of the Golden Tortoise,
Will leave her sweet bed to be early at court.
Ha ha, laughs Gaius. A Knight of the Golden Tortoise! Very funny! Of course he'd get up early!
Kong frowns. It's not the response that he hoped for.
Overhead, a skittering is heard, and a bump!
One of the Germans has slid to the bottom of Roque Nublo. His carabiners were faulty.
........
A cool day in Adelaide.
Sweezus, Arthur, Pablo and Diego are out for their first practice ride.
Diego is riding Gaius's bicycle.
Good bike, says Diego. But what if Gaius comes back?
No worries. We'll give you the Schopenhauer, says Sweezus. You speak German?
No, says Diego. Just Spanish and English and Silbo.
Cool, says Sweezus. The philosophy won't affect you.
He looks back at Arthur and Pablo.
I reckon we'll smash it this year, says Sweezus. Good legs on everyone.
I hope so, says Diego. But the other teams have famous riders. The Team Philosophe has Marcel Duchamp. And there is a Parrot Team...... are you not worried?
What Parrot Team? says Sweezus.
Equipo de Loro, says Diego.
That's just some nutso rumour, says Sweezus.
Arthur said... begins Diego.
Oh yeah, Arthur said... replies Sweezus. No harm in being creative.
.......
Equipo de Loro is no fantasy.
It is evolving in Gaius garden shed.
Baby Pierre is the leader. He has a bicycle with wheels made of green fluoroelastane.
Rider Two is the Pesquet. He has Baby Pierre's other bicycle (really his cousin's).
Rider Three is Daniel O'Connell. He doesn't yet have a bicycle.
Nor does tiny seven-legged Dedalus, rider Four.
Fortunately their Team Manager, Terence, has found his old scooter.
But if you don't mind me asking, says Daniel O'Connell. How do you propose to make one scooter into two bicycles?
Terence looks at the Pesquet. After all, he's the smart one.
I know! says Dedalus, who has matured quite a lot since two days ago.
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Sacrifice And Rumour
The puncture mended, Gaius and Kong continue cycling to Roque Nublo.
Kind of you to come after me, says Gaius.
I thought so, says Kong. The others have gone back already, you know.
I didn't know, says Gaius.
Now you do, says Kong.
I really thought....begins Gaius
Yes? says Kong.
But I feel I must make one last effort, says Gaius.
Of course. After all, it is the iconic Roque Nublo, replies Kong.
What do you know about it? asks Gaius.
A holy monument and a pillar of heaven, says Kong. Ritual sacrifices. Not nowadays of course...
Certainly not, says Gaius. My interest is purely scientific. To be specific, geological and biological.
And spiderological, says Kong.
What? says Gaius.
A harmless joke, says Kong. But... you do know that Daniel O'Connell has acknowledged young Dedalus as a relative?
No, I didn't, says Gaius. What would he know?
Blood will out, says Kong.
Oh very convincing, says Gaius. Blood will out. What does that mean?
You should not need to ask that, says Kong.
Thus they pass the time, chatting, on the way to Roque Nublo, the Rock in the Clouds.
.......
Sweezus, Arthur, Ying, Diego and Terence are flying business class back to Adelaide.
The Pesquet is in the shoe box. Daniel O'Connell and Dedalus are in the Maja soap box.
They have already reached Barcelona.
Ying looks at Sweezus. Then at Terence.
Is either of them going to remember?
The two Sylvanian daddies they left at the Sagrada Familia as hostages for Terence?
Fortunately not. (Unfortunately, for Cedric and Geoff).
They make their connection.
On this leg, Sweezus sits next to Diego.
Bit of a rush job, says Sweezus. And you won't have a bike.
I thought you might provide one, says Diego.
Cool, yeah, says Sweezus. Too easy. Arthur'll fix it.
.......
In the Tour Down Under Village, Peter Sagan has bumped into Richie Porte.
Hey Pete. Nice outfit. New team?
Sure. You?
Yeah. Seen any one from Team Condor?
No. Wait, yeah, Pablo Neruda. Over there.
Cool. See you later. Hey Pablo!
Hola Richie! Nice outfit. New team?
Yeah, you?
Same old, same old. Except for one new guy, Diego.
Oh, yeah. Hey?
What?
Heard anything about .... a PARROT team?
No I haven't. Why?
Eh, nothing. Just this rumour.
Sure, Richie. A Parrot Team. I'll keep my eyes and ears open.
Kind of you to come after me, says Gaius.
I thought so, says Kong. The others have gone back already, you know.
I didn't know, says Gaius.
Now you do, says Kong.
I really thought....begins Gaius
Yes? says Kong.
But I feel I must make one last effort, says Gaius.
Of course. After all, it is the iconic Roque Nublo, replies Kong.
What do you know about it? asks Gaius.
A holy monument and a pillar of heaven, says Kong. Ritual sacrifices. Not nowadays of course...
Certainly not, says Gaius. My interest is purely scientific. To be specific, geological and biological.
And spiderological, says Kong.
What? says Gaius.
A harmless joke, says Kong. But... you do know that Daniel O'Connell has acknowledged young Dedalus as a relative?
No, I didn't, says Gaius. What would he know?
Blood will out, says Kong.
Oh very convincing, says Gaius. Blood will out. What does that mean?
You should not need to ask that, says Kong.
Thus they pass the time, chatting, on the way to Roque Nublo, the Rock in the Clouds.
.......
Sweezus, Arthur, Ying, Diego and Terence are flying business class back to Adelaide.
The Pesquet is in the shoe box. Daniel O'Connell and Dedalus are in the Maja soap box.
They have already reached Barcelona.
Ying looks at Sweezus. Then at Terence.
Is either of them going to remember?
The two Sylvanian daddies they left at the Sagrada Familia as hostages for Terence?
Fortunately not. (Unfortunately, for Cedric and Geoff).
They make their connection.
On this leg, Sweezus sits next to Diego.
Bit of a rush job, says Sweezus. And you won't have a bike.
I thought you might provide one, says Diego.
Cool, yeah, says Sweezus. Too easy. Arthur'll fix it.
.......
In the Tour Down Under Village, Peter Sagan has bumped into Richie Porte.
Hey Pete. Nice outfit. New team?
Sure. You?
Yeah. Seen any one from Team Condor?
No. Wait, yeah, Pablo Neruda. Over there.
Cool. See you later. Hey Pablo!
Hola Richie! Nice outfit. New team?
Yeah, you?
Same old, same old. Except for one new guy, Diego.
Oh, yeah. Hey?
What?
Heard anything about .... a PARROT team?
No I haven't. Why?
Eh, nothing. Just this rumour.
Sure, Richie. A Parrot Team. I'll keep my eyes and ears open.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
The Fork Determines
It has all worked out exceedingly well.
The new microlattice leg is too big for baby Dedalus, but perfect for Daniel O'Connell.
I shall wear it myself, until he grows into it, says Daniel O'Connell.
Now Daniel O'Connell has eight legs again. And Dedalus, seven.
Diego has surprised everyone by....well, let us fast forward>>>>>>
..........
But before we fast forward, let us go back to check up on Gaius<<<<<<<<
Kong has hired his own transport from Pop On Bike and is riding towards the iconic Roque Nublo.
The rhythmic movements of the pedals recalling his second favourite Tang poem:
There is only one Carved Cloud, exquisite always.....
He doesn't get far. There is Gaius, on the road ahead, mending a puncture.
.......
Back in Adelaide, at the Velosophy office, Vello and David are entertaining a guest.
Marcel Duchamp: Of course, that was many moons ago.
Vello: The bicycle thing?
David: I never understood it.
Vello: He mounted a bicycle wheel upside down on a wooden stool and displayed it in his studio.
David: Upside down? You see, there you have lost me,
Marcel Duchamp: I understand your puzzlement.
Vello: What?
Marcel Duchamp: Not enough information. The wheel was joined to a fork.
David: Ah, now I get it.
Vello: Well done, David.
Marcel Duchamp: I'm not certain he gets it.
David: Oh I do. The fork determines its orientation. It's perfectly obvious.
Belle (entering, with a plate of deep pink macarons): Excuse me, papa.
Vello: What is it?
Belle: I've had a call from Sweezie. They're on their way home. Sweezus, Arthur and Ying, and a new guy Diego. He's joining team Condor.
Vello: Who is he? Do we know him?
Belle: A PhD student from Tenerife. Sweezie says he's a natural.
Vello: What about Gaius?
Belle: That's the bad news. He's going to be late. He got a puncture on the way to Roque Nublo.
Vello: Curses. Double curses. Two days out from the race and Team Philosophe has only two riders.
Marcel Duchamp: Oh, who are they?
David: Me and Vello.
Marcel Duchamp: If you need another rider, I don't mind filling in.
David: Humph! I imagine you would treat the whole enterprise as a Conceptual Art piece.
Vello: As long as he rides like the clappers.
Marcel Duchamp: I can't guarantee I won't want to keep stopping.
David: We all want to keep stopping. We ride through it.
Marcel Duchamp: Are those cherry macarons?
Belle: Yes they are. Do have one.
Marcel Duchamp: Thank you. But first, a photo.
The new microlattice leg is too big for baby Dedalus, but perfect for Daniel O'Connell.
I shall wear it myself, until he grows into it, says Daniel O'Connell.
Now Daniel O'Connell has eight legs again. And Dedalus, seven.
Diego has surprised everyone by....well, let us fast forward>>>>>>
..........
But before we fast forward, let us go back to check up on Gaius<<<<<<<<
Kong has hired his own transport from Pop On Bike and is riding towards the iconic Roque Nublo.
The rhythmic movements of the pedals recalling his second favourite Tang poem:
There is only one Carved Cloud, exquisite always.....
He doesn't get far. There is Gaius, on the road ahead, mending a puncture.
.......
Back in Adelaide, at the Velosophy office, Vello and David are entertaining a guest.
Marcel Duchamp: Of course, that was many moons ago.
Vello: The bicycle thing?
David: I never understood it.
Vello: He mounted a bicycle wheel upside down on a wooden stool and displayed it in his studio.
David: Upside down? You see, there you have lost me,
Marcel Duchamp: I understand your puzzlement.
Vello: What?
Marcel Duchamp: Not enough information. The wheel was joined to a fork.
David: Ah, now I get it.
Vello: Well done, David.
Marcel Duchamp: I'm not certain he gets it.
David: Oh I do. The fork determines its orientation. It's perfectly obvious.
Belle (entering, with a plate of deep pink macarons): Excuse me, papa.
Vello: What is it?
Belle: I've had a call from Sweezie. They're on their way home. Sweezus, Arthur and Ying, and a new guy Diego. He's joining team Condor.
Vello: Who is he? Do we know him?
Belle: A PhD student from Tenerife. Sweezie says he's a natural.
Vello: What about Gaius?
Belle: That's the bad news. He's going to be late. He got a puncture on the way to Roque Nublo.
Vello: Curses. Double curses. Two days out from the race and Team Philosophe has only two riders.
Marcel Duchamp: Oh, who are they?
David: Me and Vello.
Marcel Duchamp: If you need another rider, I don't mind filling in.
David: Humph! I imagine you would treat the whole enterprise as a Conceptual Art piece.
Vello: As long as he rides like the clappers.
Marcel Duchamp: I can't guarantee I won't want to keep stopping.
David: We all want to keep stopping. We ride through it.
Marcel Duchamp: Are those cherry macarons?
Belle: Yes they are. Do have one.
Marcel Duchamp: Thank you. But first, a photo.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
New Necklace New Leg
Gaius has hired a bike from Pop On, and is cycling to Roque Nublo.
He is half way there when he realises....
He has brought no one with him.
Why didn't he bring Arthur? Failing Arthur, why not Kong?
It will be highly inconvenient to have to do everything. Make notes, scrabble about in dark places for endemic loxosceles, mend punctures....
Psshhhh!
......
We ought to get going, says Ying. I know you guys need to get home soon.
Let's go then, says Arthur.
What about Gaius? says Ying.
I'll wait here for Gaius, says Kong. You go and catch the ferry.
Okay, says Ying. Terence, get ready.
I'm already ready, says Terence. Daniel O'Connell's not ready.
I am ready, says Daniel O'Connell.
He is. He has made two necklaces out of spent egg sacs, one for himself, one for Dedalus, his new baby.
Yeee! Dedalus is ready. He dances and jiggles his heirloom.
I can't help thinking, says Sweezus, stuffing his Timberlands into his back pack and sliding his feet into his Havaianas, that we had someone else with us.
Me? says the Pesquet.
Not you, says Sweezus. Shit. Baby Pierre!
No one knows where Baby Pierre is.
.......
Baby Pierre is back in Adelaide.
He just got fed up and left Gran Canaria.
Struck up conversations at the ferry terminal, and later the Santa Cruz airport. Again in Barcelona, and Dubai, he was offered the kindness of strangers.
Now he is cleaning his o-rings, and polishing his bike, for the Tour Down Under.
.........
Tenerife. The University de La Laguna.
Ying arrives at the door of the Eng and Tech lab, and whistles.
Diego looks up.
Guay! Until this moment, he has been feeling dejected, his PhD project going nowhere.
No, it's Ying, says Ying.
I know, says Diego. Guay means Cool! I'm glad to see you. Did you find any endemic loxosceles?
Probably not, says Ying. But we found this baby, and Daniel O'Connell adopted it.
She opens the Maja soap box. Diego looks in.
Meet Dedalus, says Ying.
One leg missing, says Diego. I've still got the micro lattice mould.
Guay! says Ying. But....will it be small enough?
No. He'll have to grow into it, says Diego.
He is half way there when he realises....
He has brought no one with him.
Why didn't he bring Arthur? Failing Arthur, why not Kong?
It will be highly inconvenient to have to do everything. Make notes, scrabble about in dark places for endemic loxosceles, mend punctures....
Psshhhh!
......
We ought to get going, says Ying. I know you guys need to get home soon.
Let's go then, says Arthur.
What about Gaius? says Ying.
I'll wait here for Gaius, says Kong. You go and catch the ferry.
Okay, says Ying. Terence, get ready.
I'm already ready, says Terence. Daniel O'Connell's not ready.
I am ready, says Daniel O'Connell.
He is. He has made two necklaces out of spent egg sacs, one for himself, one for Dedalus, his new baby.
Yeee! Dedalus is ready. He dances and jiggles his heirloom.
I can't help thinking, says Sweezus, stuffing his Timberlands into his back pack and sliding his feet into his Havaianas, that we had someone else with us.
Me? says the Pesquet.
Not you, says Sweezus. Shit. Baby Pierre!
No one knows where Baby Pierre is.
.......
Baby Pierre is back in Adelaide.
He just got fed up and left Gran Canaria.
Struck up conversations at the ferry terminal, and later the Santa Cruz airport. Again in Barcelona, and Dubai, he was offered the kindness of strangers.
Now he is cleaning his o-rings, and polishing his bike, for the Tour Down Under.
.........
Tenerife. The University de La Laguna.
Ying arrives at the door of the Eng and Tech lab, and whistles.
Diego looks up.
Guay! Until this moment, he has been feeling dejected, his PhD project going nowhere.
No, it's Ying, says Ying.
I know, says Diego. Guay means Cool! I'm glad to see you. Did you find any endemic loxosceles?
Probably not, says Ying. But we found this baby, and Daniel O'Connell adopted it.
She opens the Maja soap box. Diego looks in.
Meet Dedalus, says Ying.
One leg missing, says Diego. I've still got the micro lattice mould.
Guay! says Ying. But....will it be small enough?
No. He'll have to grow into it, says Diego.
Monday, January 9, 2017
Why We Do What
Ridiculous! says Gaius. The only way to get to Roque Nublo by bus from Las Palmas is via Maspalomas.
What's wrong with that? asks Ying.
It's on the far side of the island, says Gaius. And Roque Nublo is in the middle.
Why don't you take a taxi, says Ying. We've still got crowdfunding money.
But Gaius refuses to spend that much on a taxi.
Grumble grumble.
Hire a bike, suggests Sweezus.
Of course, says Gaius. Kill two birds with one stone!
What's this? says the Pesquet.
An expression for efficiency, says Gaius. Ying, will you look into hiring a bicycle?
Okay says Ying. Der.. der.. der... yes! Pop On Bike. Here's the address in Las Palmas.
Off goes Gaius, to find Pop On Bike.
I like that! says the Pesquet.
What? asks Terence.
The expression for efficiency, says the Pesquet.
I like it too, says Daniel O'Connell. That's the way we spiders operate.
I have observed how you operate, says Kong. Ruthless, I call it.
I only need one little relative, says Daniel O'Connell.
The tiny relative is prancing around the outside of the shoe box, learning how to do it with just seven legs.
Inside the shoe box, tragically, are the rest of the family, dead or dying amongst the broken white egg sacs.
It's not exactly survival of the fittest, sniffs the Pesquet.
This little tacker is fit, don't you worry, says Daniel O'Connell. Aren't you, Dedalus?
Yeee! squeaks his newly named baby.
Cute, says Ying. Dedalus. Hello Dedalus.
Dedalus smiles up at her cutely. Aww! Has he got teeth already?
How'd the photo turn out? asks Arthur, dabbing his knees with the ends of his tee shirt.
Yeah, let's see it, says Sweezus.
Indeed, says Kong. If Daniel O'Connell acknowledges Dedalus as a relative, and the photograph is a good one, there is nothing to keep us here any longer.
Wicked. We can head back to Adelaide, says Sweezus. I hear Sagan's there already.
And Richie, says Arthur.
No kidding? Richie, says Sweezus.
Ying sees the faraway looks in their eyes. Yes, it's time to be going.
But there is her reputation to consider. As an unemployed Master of Environmental Management and Sustainability, she feels there are ends to tie up, crowd funding to be justified...
We'll just take the ferry back to Tenerife first. Run young Dedalus past Diego, says Ying.
Besides which, she did like Diego.
What's wrong with that? asks Ying.
It's on the far side of the island, says Gaius. And Roque Nublo is in the middle.
Why don't you take a taxi, says Ying. We've still got crowdfunding money.
But Gaius refuses to spend that much on a taxi.
Grumble grumble.
Hire a bike, suggests Sweezus.
Of course, says Gaius. Kill two birds with one stone!
What's this? says the Pesquet.
An expression for efficiency, says Gaius. Ying, will you look into hiring a bicycle?
Okay says Ying. Der.. der.. der... yes! Pop On Bike. Here's the address in Las Palmas.
Off goes Gaius, to find Pop On Bike.
I like that! says the Pesquet.
What? asks Terence.
The expression for efficiency, says the Pesquet.
I like it too, says Daniel O'Connell. That's the way we spiders operate.
I have observed how you operate, says Kong. Ruthless, I call it.
I only need one little relative, says Daniel O'Connell.
The tiny relative is prancing around the outside of the shoe box, learning how to do it with just seven legs.
Inside the shoe box, tragically, are the rest of the family, dead or dying amongst the broken white egg sacs.
It's not exactly survival of the fittest, sniffs the Pesquet.
This little tacker is fit, don't you worry, says Daniel O'Connell. Aren't you, Dedalus?
Yeee! squeaks his newly named baby.
Cute, says Ying. Dedalus. Hello Dedalus.
Dedalus smiles up at her cutely. Aww! Has he got teeth already?
How'd the photo turn out? asks Arthur, dabbing his knees with the ends of his tee shirt.
Yeah, let's see it, says Sweezus.
Indeed, says Kong. If Daniel O'Connell acknowledges Dedalus as a relative, and the photograph is a good one, there is nothing to keep us here any longer.
Wicked. We can head back to Adelaide, says Sweezus. I hear Sagan's there already.
And Richie, says Arthur.
No kidding? Richie, says Sweezus.
Ying sees the faraway looks in their eyes. Yes, it's time to be going.
But there is her reputation to consider. As an unemployed Master of Environmental Management and Sustainability, she feels there are ends to tie up, crowd funding to be justified...
We'll just take the ferry back to Tenerife first. Run young Dedalus past Diego, says Ying.
Besides which, she did like Diego.
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Proof By Numbers
Sweezus is in the shower.
Gaius is on the phone arranging a lightning trip to Roque Nublo.
Arthur is picking his knee scabs, watched by the young Pesquet.
Terence is counting the spiders.
He is determined to reach twenty seven.
But the tiny spiders, excited at being out of their egg sacs, aren't keeping still.
Six, says Terence. Seven. No, eleven.
This is the moment that Ying, Kong and Daniel O'Connell arrive back from Santa Ana Cathedral.
Look, says Terence. We've got baby spiders.
My relatives! cries Daniel O'Connell.
He rushes over to look at the babies.
Twenty two, says the Pesquet.
I knew it, says Terence. Twenty two spiders.
Scabs, says the Pesquet. It's disgusting.
Arthur doesn't care if the Pesquet thinks his scabs are disgusting.
Do any of them look like me? asks Daniel O'Connell.
He is no longer pale green, so it's possible.
The little spiders run all around Daniel O'Connell.
It's frankly annoying. He crushes a few.
We spiders do that, says Daniel O'Connell. Nature is profligate.
Your own children! says the Pesquet.
Steady on, says Daniel O'Connell. I was born in a poisonous cave in Romania.
Let's send one back to Diego, says Ying. He'll compare DNA. Then we'll know for certain.
She bends down to look at the tiny spiders.
One of them really does look like Daniel O'Connell.
This one! says Ying. Let's get a photo. It'll make a cool post card.
Daniel is not averse to posing.
He grabs the little spider. Yeeee! The little spider tries to get away.
It gets away, but one of its legs falls off, thanks to Daniel O'Connell.
Sad, but good for the post card.
Related in adversity. A nice metaphor.
He he, sniggers Terence.
You can laugh, says Daniel O'Connell. We just saw your grandma. She was spooky.
I don't have a grandma, says Terence.
The Virgin's mother, says Daniel O'Connell. Saint Anne. Remember.
I don't remember, says Terence. What was she doing?
Staring, says Daniel O'Connell.
Staring. Just like the Virgin. Terence has an uncomfortable feeling that she could be his grandma.
Sweezus comes out of the shower.
That feels better, says Sweezus. What's up?
Twenty seven! says Terence. And one with a leg off!
Gaius is on the phone arranging a lightning trip to Roque Nublo.
Arthur is picking his knee scabs, watched by the young Pesquet.
Terence is counting the spiders.
He is determined to reach twenty seven.
But the tiny spiders, excited at being out of their egg sacs, aren't keeping still.
Six, says Terence. Seven. No, eleven.
This is the moment that Ying, Kong and Daniel O'Connell arrive back from Santa Ana Cathedral.
Look, says Terence. We've got baby spiders.
My relatives! cries Daniel O'Connell.
He rushes over to look at the babies.
Twenty two, says the Pesquet.
I knew it, says Terence. Twenty two spiders.
Scabs, says the Pesquet. It's disgusting.
Arthur doesn't care if the Pesquet thinks his scabs are disgusting.
Do any of them look like me? asks Daniel O'Connell.
He is no longer pale green, so it's possible.
The little spiders run all around Daniel O'Connell.
It's frankly annoying. He crushes a few.
We spiders do that, says Daniel O'Connell. Nature is profligate.
Your own children! says the Pesquet.
Steady on, says Daniel O'Connell. I was born in a poisonous cave in Romania.
Let's send one back to Diego, says Ying. He'll compare DNA. Then we'll know for certain.
She bends down to look at the tiny spiders.
One of them really does look like Daniel O'Connell.
This one! says Ying. Let's get a photo. It'll make a cool post card.
Daniel is not averse to posing.
He grabs the little spider. Yeeee! The little spider tries to get away.
It gets away, but one of its legs falls off, thanks to Daniel O'Connell.
Sad, but good for the post card.
Related in adversity. A nice metaphor.
He he, sniggers Terence.
You can laugh, says Daniel O'Connell. We just saw your grandma. She was spooky.
I don't have a grandma, says Terence.
The Virgin's mother, says Daniel O'Connell. Saint Anne. Remember.
I don't remember, says Terence. What was she doing?
Staring, says Daniel O'Connell.
Staring. Just like the Virgin. Terence has an uncomfortable feeling that she could be his grandma.
Sweezus comes out of the shower.
That feels better, says Sweezus. What's up?
Twenty seven! says Terence. And one with a leg off!
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Escaping Death And Its Meaning
Gaius frowns as he re-reads the paper by Ribera and Planas.
Vulcan's balls! Why didn't I go to Roque Nublo?
A tiny spider runs over his notebook.
He crushes it, without thinking.
Another, and another.
They go the same way.
Arthur slaps his knee. Squurp!
If this continues, there'll be no spiders left.....
Baby spiders! cries Terence.
Jumping Jupiter! cries Gaius. The spiders have hatched! And I've destroyed them!
There's hundreds, says Terence. I've popped twenty seven.
Sweezus looks over the back of his seat.
You can't even count twenty seven. Terence, put the lid on!
Terence replaces the lid of the shoe box. And covers the holes for the string.
The bus rolls into Las Palmas.
.....
Ying and Kong have not been idle.
They have taken Daniel O'Connell to see the sights of Las Palmas.
They have been to the Jardin Bótanico, and the Pueblo Canaria, a facsimile of a traditional Canarian village. They have listened politely to folk music. They have visited hipster hangouts in Pérez Galdós. They have eaten garlic mayo with fresh bread and marzipan pralines from Tejeda.
They are now in the Cathedral Santa Ana, looking at the glass box which is home to a mummified bishop.
Do you think that's really him? asks Daniel O'Connell.
Depends, says Ying. If you were a mummy, would you really be you?
A wise answer, says Kong.
Yes, says Daniel O'Connell. I do believe I would really be me.
A foolish answer, says Kong.
You're a great disappointment, says Daniel O'Connell.
I'm not feeling myself, says Kong. Ever since we entered and were greeted by that statue of Santa Ana. A very strange lady.
Ahem, coughs a Catholic tourist, overhearing. That 'strange lady' is Saint Anne, mother of the Virgin. Mind what you say, in her holy presence. And the presence of this bishop in the box here.
She indicates the venerable bishop, in his robes and mitre.
The venerable bishop grits his venerable teeth and lies there, in the full and certain knowledge that he really is he, but can't say so.
Apologising to the Catholic tourist, our friends leave the cathedral and head back to Hotel Parque.
.....and a shoe box, teeming with spiders.
Vulcan's balls! Why didn't I go to Roque Nublo?
A tiny spider runs over his notebook.
He crushes it, without thinking.
Another, and another.
They go the same way.
Arthur slaps his knee. Squurp!
If this continues, there'll be no spiders left.....
Baby spiders! cries Terence.
Jumping Jupiter! cries Gaius. The spiders have hatched! And I've destroyed them!
There's hundreds, says Terence. I've popped twenty seven.
Sweezus looks over the back of his seat.
You can't even count twenty seven. Terence, put the lid on!
Terence replaces the lid of the shoe box. And covers the holes for the string.
The bus rolls into Las Palmas.
.....
Ying and Kong have not been idle.
They have taken Daniel O'Connell to see the sights of Las Palmas.
They have been to the Jardin Bótanico, and the Pueblo Canaria, a facsimile of a traditional Canarian village. They have listened politely to folk music. They have visited hipster hangouts in Pérez Galdós. They have eaten garlic mayo with fresh bread and marzipan pralines from Tejeda.
They are now in the Cathedral Santa Ana, looking at the glass box which is home to a mummified bishop.
Do you think that's really him? asks Daniel O'Connell.
Depends, says Ying. If you were a mummy, would you really be you?
A wise answer, says Kong.
Yes, says Daniel O'Connell. I do believe I would really be me.
A foolish answer, says Kong.
You're a great disappointment, says Daniel O'Connell.
I'm not feeling myself, says Kong. Ever since we entered and were greeted by that statue of Santa Ana. A very strange lady.
Ahem, coughs a Catholic tourist, overhearing. That 'strange lady' is Saint Anne, mother of the Virgin. Mind what you say, in her holy presence. And the presence of this bishop in the box here.
She indicates the venerable bishop, in his robes and mitre.
The venerable bishop grits his venerable teeth and lies there, in the full and certain knowledge that he really is he, but can't say so.
Apologising to the Catholic tourist, our friends leave the cathedral and head back to Hotel Parque.
.....and a shoe box, teeming with spiders.
Friday, January 6, 2017
That Our Lives Are Not Plotted
This could go either way.
Terence has remembered.
But he doesn't want Gaius to stop.
So he says nothing.
Gaius has forgotten about stopping to search for more spider eggs, but his feet hurt.
He stops near the rock that Arthur kicked with his shit-crusted shoe.
Never think that our lives are not plotted.
And so it is that Gaius spots exposed spider egg sacs wrapped in silk webbing.
He scoops them up and drops them into the shoe box.
He sits down. Loosens his Timberland boots.
Wiggles his toes, letting the air in.
Can we get going, says Terence.
Gaius puts his new boots back on, and gets going, dragging Terence in the shoebox.
At the top, Sweezus and Arthur are waiting, with the young Pesquet.
But the parent Pesquets have flown, thereby escaping the terrors of Terence's team.
They are following a bus back to Las Palmas, where they will wait for the next ferry to Santa Cruz de Tenerife, and fly home behind it.
Where are the big parrots? asks Terence.
Gone home, says the Pesquet.
Wah! says Terence. Now I've only got one.
What are you talking about? asks the Pesquet.
His parrot team, says Gaius. Now you're the only one in it.
Come on guys! says Sweezus. Bus is coming!
Wait, says Gaius. Just putting on my Crocs. The new boots were pinching.
I'll have them, says Arthur.
Soon they are all on the bus.
Terence is sitting next to the shoe box.
Gaius is copying notes. 'Oceanic islands are excellent natural laboratories for revealing evolutionary mechanisms involved in colonisation and species diversity...'
Sweezus is thinking.
A parrot cycling team, that's heaps funny.
Not all that funny, says Arthur. Remember Ageless? Remember the dead jellyfish on wheels?
Yeah... says Sweezus. I guess crazy things happen. Hey, d'you know if Pablo's coming?
Probably, says Arthur.
That's three of us, says Sweezus. We need one more.
There's always the parrot, says Arthur.
Not gonna happen, says Sweezus. We need to work hard on a victory. I'm sick of not winning. I've got this dream of being King of the Mountain.
On Willy Hill, says Arthur. You'll do it.
But yeah, Peter Sagan..... says Sweezus.
Don't worry, says Arthur. I'll deal with Peter Sagan.
Sweezus relaxes. It's good to have a someone like Arthur on your team.
Pf! Pf! Pf! Pf!
Hear that? No one's listening. No one's watching.
The spider eggs pop, one by one
Terence has remembered.
But he doesn't want Gaius to stop.
So he says nothing.
Gaius has forgotten about stopping to search for more spider eggs, but his feet hurt.
He stops near the rock that Arthur kicked with his shit-crusted shoe.
Never think that our lives are not plotted.
And so it is that Gaius spots exposed spider egg sacs wrapped in silk webbing.
He scoops them up and drops them into the shoe box.
Wiggles his toes, letting the air in.
Can we get going, says Terence.
Gaius puts his new boots back on, and gets going, dragging Terence in the shoebox.
At the top, Sweezus and Arthur are waiting, with the young Pesquet.
But the parent Pesquets have flown, thereby escaping the terrors of Terence's team.
They are following a bus back to Las Palmas, where they will wait for the next ferry to Santa Cruz de Tenerife, and fly home behind it.
Where are the big parrots? asks Terence.
Gone home, says the Pesquet.
Wah! says Terence. Now I've only got one.
What are you talking about? asks the Pesquet.
His parrot team, says Gaius. Now you're the only one in it.
Come on guys! says Sweezus. Bus is coming!
Wait, says Gaius. Just putting on my Crocs. The new boots were pinching.
I'll have them, says Arthur.
Soon they are all on the bus.
Terence is sitting next to the shoe box.
Gaius is copying notes. 'Oceanic islands are excellent natural laboratories for revealing evolutionary mechanisms involved in colonisation and species diversity...'
Sweezus is thinking.
A parrot cycling team, that's heaps funny.
Not all that funny, says Arthur. Remember Ageless? Remember the dead jellyfish on wheels?
Yeah... says Sweezus. I guess crazy things happen. Hey, d'you know if Pablo's coming?
Probably, says Arthur.
That's three of us, says Sweezus. We need one more.
There's always the parrot, says Arthur.
Not gonna happen, says Sweezus. We need to work hard on a victory. I'm sick of not winning. I've got this dream of being King of the Mountain.
On Willy Hill, says Arthur. You'll do it.
But yeah, Peter Sagan..... says Sweezus.
Don't worry, says Arthur. I'll deal with Peter Sagan.
Sweezus relaxes. It's good to have a someone like Arthur on your team.
Pf! Pf! Pf! Pf!
Hear that? No one's listening. No one's watching.
The spider eggs pop, one by one
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Only The Black Bits
Gaius is used to adversity.
Terence is not.
In spite of the excellence of Gaius's grass string, the Havaianas slip off.
I'm not coming! says Terence. I keep slipping backwards.
Not surprising, says Gaius. Well, there nothing else for it. Get into the shoe box. I'll haul you up.
He unties the string holding Terence to Sweezus's Havaianas, and makes two holes in one end of the shoe box. Then he threads in the string.
Terence climbs into the shoebox.
Where are the spider eggs? asks Gaius.
Terence has lost them.
We'll collect more on the way up, says Gaius. Remind me.
Terence is settled. Gaius starts up the camino.
The new Timberland hiking boots have great grip. Pity they're one size too small.
Terence is heavy. Gaius is sweating.
Terence feels sorry.
I'm sorry, says Terence.
Never mind. This is good for me, says Gaius. I've been out of shape.
Me too, says Terence. I don't have toe spaces.
I know that, says Gaius. But I meant fitness. Huh...huh... I have a big bicycle race coming up soon. I don't want to let down the team.
My parrot's going in it, says Terence.
I don't think so, says Gaius. They don't allow birds to go in it.
In their own team, says Terence. I just need more parrots.
You've got three now, says Gaius.
Terence hadn't thought about that.
Sweezus and Arthur are half way up the camino.
This crater's only 2000 years old, says Sweezus.
You can't tell, says Arthur.
No, you can't, says Sweezus. All this growth and stuff.
He looks at the growth and stuff. Notices something.
You've got bird shit on your shoe. Did you know that?
Yes, says Arthur. It happened in the shoe shop. The evil parrots attacked me.
Grumious, says Sweezus. What did you do?
Nothing, they kicked us all out, says Arthur. But I got these shoes for nothing.
Why don't you clean off the bird shit?
It's coming off by itself. It dries up and drops off.
Only the black bits.
That's true.
Arthur kicks at a rock to hasten the process.
Now they are at the top of the camino.
The three Pesquet's Parrots are waiting. Chatting about family matters in a palm tree.
Arthur wishes he hadn't left the two shoe boxes down at the bottom. His hand closes round the sharp spines in his pocket.
Sweezus seems oblivious. Looking back down the trail for Terence and Gaius.
Well dear, says Mother Pesquet, We might bugaroff now.
Good luck in the Tour Down Under, says Father Pesquet. We'll be cheering you on, from Parque Loro.
You're the first one in our family to learn the bicycle, says Mother Pesquet.
O mother, says the young Pesquet. If only you knew.
But he doesn't like to spill the dark secret of Parque Loro.
Hurry up and bugaroff, you old Pesquets.
Danger is approaching in the shape of a shoe box.
Your only hope is that Terence remembers to remind Gaius to stop.
Terence is not.
In spite of the excellence of Gaius's grass string, the Havaianas slip off.
I'm not coming! says Terence. I keep slipping backwards.
Not surprising, says Gaius. Well, there nothing else for it. Get into the shoe box. I'll haul you up.
He unties the string holding Terence to Sweezus's Havaianas, and makes two holes in one end of the shoe box. Then he threads in the string.
Terence climbs into the shoebox.
Where are the spider eggs? asks Gaius.
Terence has lost them.
We'll collect more on the way up, says Gaius. Remind me.
Terence is settled. Gaius starts up the camino.
The new Timberland hiking boots have great grip. Pity they're one size too small.
Terence is heavy. Gaius is sweating.
Terence feels sorry.
I'm sorry, says Terence.
Never mind. This is good for me, says Gaius. I've been out of shape.
Me too, says Terence. I don't have toe spaces.
I know that, says Gaius. But I meant fitness. Huh...huh... I have a big bicycle race coming up soon. I don't want to let down the team.
My parrot's going in it, says Terence.
I don't think so, says Gaius. They don't allow birds to go in it.
In their own team, says Terence. I just need more parrots.
You've got three now, says Gaius.
Terence hadn't thought about that.
Sweezus and Arthur are half way up the camino.
This crater's only 2000 years old, says Sweezus.
You can't tell, says Arthur.
No, you can't, says Sweezus. All this growth and stuff.
He looks at the growth and stuff. Notices something.
You've got bird shit on your shoe. Did you know that?
Yes, says Arthur. It happened in the shoe shop. The evil parrots attacked me.
Grumious, says Sweezus. What did you do?
Nothing, they kicked us all out, says Arthur. But I got these shoes for nothing.
Why don't you clean off the bird shit?
It's coming off by itself. It dries up and drops off.
Only the black bits.
That's true.
Arthur kicks at a rock to hasten the process.
Now they are at the top of the camino.
The three Pesquet's Parrots are waiting. Chatting about family matters in a palm tree.
Arthur wishes he hadn't left the two shoe boxes down at the bottom. His hand closes round the sharp spines in his pocket.
Sweezus seems oblivious. Looking back down the trail for Terence and Gaius.
Well dear, says Mother Pesquet, We might bugaroff now.
Good luck in the Tour Down Under, says Father Pesquet. We'll be cheering you on, from Parque Loro.
You're the first one in our family to learn the bicycle, says Mother Pesquet.
O mother, says the young Pesquet. If only you knew.
But he doesn't like to spill the dark secret of Parque Loro.
Hurry up and bugaroff, you old Pesquets.
Danger is approaching in the shape of a shoe box.
Your only hope is that Terence remembers to remind Gaius to stop.
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
The Power Of Attachment
Arthur gets off the bus, with two shoe boxes.
He looks for the sign: Camino fondo.
He heads down the trail.
Two hikers are coming up from the bottom.
Hi, says the hikers. You're well prepared!
I always bring two extra pairs of shoes with me, says Arthur.
Hey look, says one of the hikers. Pesquet's Parrots!
Arthur turns. Looks. Yes it's those two Pesquet's parrots.
The shoe boxes might come in handy.
He makes his way down, in his soft suede and cork ridged sole Marges, not even sliding.
His friends have been waiting.
Arthur! says Terence. Look at my shoes!
Terence is standing in the middle of Sweezus's Havaianas.
Turns out he didn't have toe spaces.
Can you walk in them? asks Arthur.
Not yet, says Terence. I might need some string.
Arthur, says Gaius. Good of you to go to this trouble. Are these my shoes?
Yes, or these ones, says Arthur. We bought two different sizes.
I'll have the big ones, says Sweezus, opening the box with the size 44s.
Wicked! says Sweezus. Timberland Grafton Hikers. What's Gaius got?
The same, says Arthur. One size smaller.
Gaius tries them on. They pinch a little, but they will get him up the Caldera Bandama.
The young Pesquet flies in, trailing a bunch of long grasses.
String, says the Pesquet. Who's going to make it?
Me, says Terence. I can make string.
He sits down on a rock and starts breaking the stalks into pieces.
(This is not how you make string. Terence has wrecked it).
The young Pesquet flies off to get more.
Up in a dragon tree, the parent Pesquets are watching.
I'm so proud of our boy, says Mother Pesquet. Did you see how he simply...
......flew off to find more grasses, says Father Pesquet. Not one cross word did he utter.
Let's follow him, says Mother.
They rise up discreetly, and fly after their son, the young Pesquet.
Pesky has landed in some grasses. He bites at the stalks with his beak.
It's not what his beak has evolved for, but he is determined.
Mi picanini! cries mother.
Mother, cries Pesky. And Father! You followed me!
We did, says Mother. And we're proud of how grown up you are.
Come back with me, says the Pesky. Help me carry the grasses.
When they arrive at the campsite, Arthur and Sweezus have gone.
Leaving Gaius to figure out how to make string out of grasses.
And then, how to attach long Havaianas to Terence's short cement feet.
He looks for the sign: Camino fondo.
He heads down the trail.
Two hikers are coming up from the bottom.
Hi, says the hikers. You're well prepared!
I always bring two extra pairs of shoes with me, says Arthur.
Hey look, says one of the hikers. Pesquet's Parrots!
Arthur turns. Looks. Yes it's those two Pesquet's parrots.
The shoe boxes might come in handy.
He makes his way down, in his soft suede and cork ridged sole Marges, not even sliding.
His friends have been waiting.
Arthur! says Terence. Look at my shoes!
Terence is standing in the middle of Sweezus's Havaianas.
Turns out he didn't have toe spaces.
Can you walk in them? asks Arthur.
Not yet, says Terence. I might need some string.
Arthur, says Gaius. Good of you to go to this trouble. Are these my shoes?
Yes, or these ones, says Arthur. We bought two different sizes.
I'll have the big ones, says Sweezus, opening the box with the size 44s.
Wicked! says Sweezus. Timberland Grafton Hikers. What's Gaius got?
The same, says Arthur. One size smaller.
Gaius tries them on. They pinch a little, but they will get him up the Caldera Bandama.
The young Pesquet flies in, trailing a bunch of long grasses.
String, says the Pesquet. Who's going to make it?
Me, says Terence. I can make string.
He sits down on a rock and starts breaking the stalks into pieces.
(This is not how you make string. Terence has wrecked it).
The young Pesquet flies off to get more.
Up in a dragon tree, the parent Pesquets are watching.
I'm so proud of our boy, says Mother Pesquet. Did you see how he simply...
......flew off to find more grasses, says Father Pesquet. Not one cross word did he utter.
Let's follow him, says Mother.
They rise up discreetly, and fly after their son, the young Pesquet.
Pesky has landed in some grasses. He bites at the stalks with his beak.
It's not what his beak has evolved for, but he is determined.
Mi picanini! cries mother.
Mother, cries Pesky. And Father! You followed me!
We did, says Mother. And we're proud of how grown up you are.
Come back with me, says the Pesky. Help me carry the grasses.
When they arrive at the campsite, Arthur and Sweezus have gone.
Leaving Gaius to figure out how to make string out of grasses.
And then, how to attach long Havaianas to Terence's short cement feet.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Man Boots
Kong wakes up early.
Ying stumbles out of her room.
Daniel O'Connell pushes open the lid of his soap box.
Any news? asks Daniel O'Connell.
Yes, says Kong. Gaius found a clutch of spider eggs. Very promising. You look well this morning.
And why wouldn't I? asks Daniel O'Connell. What kind of eggs are they?
They don't know, says Kong. They need shoes.
You don't say? says Daniel O'Connell. They might be those tap-dancing spiders.
Use your head, says Kong. It's Gaius and Sweezus who need shoes.
Arthur has been feigning sleep until this point.
Now he feigns waking up.
Yawn!
Why do they need shoes? They had shoes.
They can't get out of the Caldera, says Kong. They need non-slip shoes.
Lucky we're going shopping this morning, says Ying. We'll buy them some shoes. What size are they?
Round about the same as me, says Arthur.
That is quite likely.
Soon they are out and about in Las Palmas, looking for shoe shops.
Geox.... Foot Locker.....Camping.
Camping has a sale on.
These ones, says the assistant, have thirty percent off.
Arthur likes the look of the shoes, which are called 'Marges'.
Soft suede and cork, ridged sole, cushioned latex insole, lightweight etc.
Try them on, says Ying.
Arthur is trying them on when a kerfuffle erupts in the doorway.
Two large Pesquet's Parrots are trying to force their way in.
Arthur stands up, in the comfortable Marges.
Merde! It's them! He pulls two sea urchin spines from his pocket.
Mother Pesquet looks pleadingly into the blue eyes of Arthur.
Father Pesquet darts forward and shits on his shoe.
Santo cielo! cries the assistant. You can keep those shoes now. But you must leave this shop, pronto!
A good outcome.
Arthur thinks so. And Ying is pretty happy. Saving money. Only Kong has reservations.
I have reservations, says Kong.
We only scored one pair, says Arthur. Is that it?
And that pair is yours, says Kong. You left your old shoes in the shop, remember. We're no better off.
So they head off to Foot Locker, who also have a sale on, and buy two pairs of Timberland Hiker Hombre Botas, in two random sizes, 43 and 44.
Arthur offers to be the one to deliver them.
Kong is only too glad not to have to. He goes off to look for a tea shop.
We're getting warmer, whispers Father Pesquet to Mother Pesquet, in the dark reaches of the highest palm tree, as Arthur heads for the bus stop.
Ying stumbles out of her room.
Daniel O'Connell pushes open the lid of his soap box.
Any news? asks Daniel O'Connell.
Yes, says Kong. Gaius found a clutch of spider eggs. Very promising. You look well this morning.
And why wouldn't I? asks Daniel O'Connell. What kind of eggs are they?
They don't know, says Kong. They need shoes.
You don't say? says Daniel O'Connell. They might be those tap-dancing spiders.
Use your head, says Kong. It's Gaius and Sweezus who need shoes.
Arthur has been feigning sleep until this point.
Now he feigns waking up.
Yawn!
Why do they need shoes? They had shoes.
They can't get out of the Caldera, says Kong. They need non-slip shoes.
Lucky we're going shopping this morning, says Ying. We'll buy them some shoes. What size are they?
Round about the same as me, says Arthur.
That is quite likely.
Soon they are out and about in Las Palmas, looking for shoe shops.
Geox.... Foot Locker.....Camping.
Camping has a sale on.
These ones, says the assistant, have thirty percent off.
Arthur likes the look of the shoes, which are called 'Marges'.
Soft suede and cork, ridged sole, cushioned latex insole, lightweight etc.
Try them on, says Ying.
Arthur is trying them on when a kerfuffle erupts in the doorway.
Two large Pesquet's Parrots are trying to force their way in.
Arthur stands up, in the comfortable Marges.
Merde! It's them! He pulls two sea urchin spines from his pocket.
Mother Pesquet looks pleadingly into the blue eyes of Arthur.
Father Pesquet darts forward and shits on his shoe.
Santo cielo! cries the assistant. You can keep those shoes now. But you must leave this shop, pronto!
A good outcome.
Arthur thinks so. And Ying is pretty happy. Saving money. Only Kong has reservations.
I have reservations, says Kong.
We only scored one pair, says Arthur. Is that it?
And that pair is yours, says Kong. You left your old shoes in the shop, remember. We're no better off.
So they head off to Foot Locker, who also have a sale on, and buy two pairs of Timberland Hiker Hombre Botas, in two random sizes, 43 and 44.
Arthur offers to be the one to deliver them.
Kong is only too glad not to have to. He goes off to look for a tea shop.
We're getting warmer, whispers Father Pesquet to Mother Pesquet, in the dark reaches of the highest palm tree, as Arthur heads for the bus stop.
Monday, January 2, 2017
Toes Between Spaces And Stars
It's quite dark now. And they are still at the bottom of the volcanic crater.
The Pesquet has gathered a whole pile of Prickly Pears, and smashed them open.
Now they have food.
Then he has flown up to the top of the Caldera with Gaius's phone.
There he has pressed the call button, and Kong has answered.
Yes?
It's me, the Pesquet. Could you bring two pairs of non-slip shoes to the Caldera Bandama? Yes, the bottom. No they can't get up, it's too slippery. Gaius tried calling but there was no coverage down there. Yes. Eggs. Yes, Prickly Pears. Yes, alright. See you in the morning....what? No, I don't know, probably the same size as yours.....
He flies down again.
Kong's bringing two pairs of shoes in the morning.
Two pairs? says Terence.
You don't need shoes, says the Pesquet.
Terence doesn't like this new pear-finding, phone-using, bossy-socks Pesquet.
I WANT shoes! says Terence.
I can fix that, says the Pesquet.
He takes two Prickly Pear skins and fashions them into purple shoe shapes, with seed rippled soles.
Terence hates them.
He stomps off in the dark.
Sweezus goes after him.
Hey, buddy, you can wear my old Havaianas.
Can I?
Yeah. When I get my new shoes in the morning.
Can I try them on now?
No. But if you come back to the camp site I'll ask Gaius if you can be in charge of the spiders.
He hasn't got any spiders.
The eggs then.
Okay.
They go back to the camp site.
This is pleasant, says Gaius. The stars above us. The scent of Prickly Pear skins. I think I'll turn in.
He lies down on the gravel and falls asleep at once. The old Roman.
Happy? asks the Pesquet.
NO! says Terence. YES! But not because of YOU!
So, that's a yes, says the Pesquet.
I'm allowed to have Sweezus's Havaianas, in the morning.
That's good. Is there a space between your big toe and the next one?
Terence peers at his toes.
In the dark it's not possible to see if there are any spaces between them.
He is confident there will be.
He lies down, but keeps his eyes open, because he's in charge of the spider eggs.
The Pesquet has gathered a whole pile of Prickly Pears, and smashed them open.
Now they have food.
Then he has flown up to the top of the Caldera with Gaius's phone.
There he has pressed the call button, and Kong has answered.
Yes?
It's me, the Pesquet. Could you bring two pairs of non-slip shoes to the Caldera Bandama? Yes, the bottom. No they can't get up, it's too slippery. Gaius tried calling but there was no coverage down there. Yes. Eggs. Yes, Prickly Pears. Yes, alright. See you in the morning....what? No, I don't know, probably the same size as yours.....
He flies down again.
Kong's bringing two pairs of shoes in the morning.
Two pairs? says Terence.
You don't need shoes, says the Pesquet.
Terence doesn't like this new pear-finding, phone-using, bossy-socks Pesquet.
I WANT shoes! says Terence.
I can fix that, says the Pesquet.
He takes two Prickly Pear skins and fashions them into purple shoe shapes, with seed rippled soles.
Terence hates them.
He stomps off in the dark.
Sweezus goes after him.
Hey, buddy, you can wear my old Havaianas.
Can I?
Yeah. When I get my new shoes in the morning.
Can I try them on now?
No. But if you come back to the camp site I'll ask Gaius if you can be in charge of the spiders.
He hasn't got any spiders.
The eggs then.
Okay.
They go back to the camp site.
This is pleasant, says Gaius. The stars above us. The scent of Prickly Pear skins. I think I'll turn in.
He lies down on the gravel and falls asleep at once. The old Roman.
Happy? asks the Pesquet.
NO! says Terence. YES! But not because of YOU!
So, that's a yes, says the Pesquet.
I'm allowed to have Sweezus's Havaianas, in the morning.
That's good. Is there a space between your big toe and the next one?
Terence peers at his toes.
In the dark it's not possible to see if there are any spaces between them.
He is confident there will be.
He lies down, but keeps his eyes open, because he's in charge of the spider eggs.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
The Art of Being The End Product
On the floor of the volcanic crater, shadows are deepening.
Better be heading on up, says the tourist. It takes longer than coming down, I assure you.
See ya, says Sweezus. We have to wait here.
What for? asks the tourist.
Team leader, says Sweezus.
So long then, says the tourist and starts heading up in his sensible non-slip shoes.
I'm hungry, says the Pesquet.
Me too, says Terence.
Stay here. I'll be back shortly, says the Pesquet.
He flies up to look for the Prickly Pear he spotted earlier.
How do you like your present? asks Sweezus.
What present? asks Terence.
This adventure, says Sweezus. Cool huh?
I didn't like that man, says Terence. He told me off for not having a sun hat.
He was a bit of a pain, agrees Sweezus.
..in the bumhole, says Terence.
Will he get into trouble for saying bumhole?
Sweezus appears not to notice.
..in the head, says Sweezus. He knew a lot of stuff though.
What? says Terence.
Like how this place got its name. Maybe you missed it. Van Damme, Bandama.
Missed what? says Terence.
When a name goes into another language, says Sweezus, sometimes it gets, like... not pronounced the same, van damme becomes ban damme and ban damme becomes bandama.
What happened to your name? asks Terence.
End product, says Sweezus. Twitter.
Terence is still thinking about this when the Pesquet returns with a red Prickly Pear in his beak and drops it.
Want some?
It's red, of course Terence wants it.
Did you see Gaius up there? says Sweezus. What's he doing?
Talking, says the Pesquet. To the man with the sun hat. They were poking at little white things.
Sweezus looks up through the gathering gloom.
A sliding sound is heard and a few balls of volcanic gravel start bouncing towards him.
Ouch! says Gaius. These Crocs are useless! What shoes are you wearing?
Havaianas, says Sweezus. They were awesome coming down but I don't reckon they'll get me back up in a hurry.
Damn! says Gaius. But good news, however! Look at these! Spider eggs.
He unfolds them.
Wicked, says Sweezus. Almost as good as real spiders.
Better, says Gaius. As long as...hmm... I need to identify them, of course. There are many different types of spider eggs.
With different spiders inside, says the Pesquet.
Of course, says Gaius, coldly. What I meant was there are different egg types, round ball, disc, squishy, fluffy and spiky.
How do I eat this? asks Terence, confronting his Pear.
Head first, says the Pesquet.
He dives at the Prickly Pear and bursts it open.
You know what? says Sweezus. They make Prickly Pear Ice Cream, on Tenerife.
So what? says Terence.
That's what this is, says Sweezus. A Prickly Pear.
Why is everybody so smart? Why does everybody KNOW everything?
Terence sticks out his little cement tongue. Licks the red pear juice.
Mm. Bubblegum and watermelon. Yum.
Better be heading on up, says the tourist. It takes longer than coming down, I assure you.
See ya, says Sweezus. We have to wait here.
What for? asks the tourist.
Team leader, says Sweezus.
So long then, says the tourist and starts heading up in his sensible non-slip shoes.
I'm hungry, says the Pesquet.
Me too, says Terence.
Stay here. I'll be back shortly, says the Pesquet.
He flies up to look for the Prickly Pear he spotted earlier.
How do you like your present? asks Sweezus.
What present? asks Terence.
This adventure, says Sweezus. Cool huh?
I didn't like that man, says Terence. He told me off for not having a sun hat.
He was a bit of a pain, agrees Sweezus.
..in the bumhole, says Terence.
Will he get into trouble for saying bumhole?
Sweezus appears not to notice.
..in the head, says Sweezus. He knew a lot of stuff though.
What? says Terence.
Like how this place got its name. Maybe you missed it. Van Damme, Bandama.
Missed what? says Terence.
When a name goes into another language, says Sweezus, sometimes it gets, like... not pronounced the same, van damme becomes ban damme and ban damme becomes bandama.
What happened to your name? asks Terence.
End product, says Sweezus. Twitter.
Terence is still thinking about this when the Pesquet returns with a red Prickly Pear in his beak and drops it.
Want some?
It's red, of course Terence wants it.
Did you see Gaius up there? says Sweezus. What's he doing?
Talking, says the Pesquet. To the man with the sun hat. They were poking at little white things.
Sweezus looks up through the gathering gloom.
A sliding sound is heard and a few balls of volcanic gravel start bouncing towards him.
Ouch! says Gaius. These Crocs are useless! What shoes are you wearing?
Havaianas, says Sweezus. They were awesome coming down but I don't reckon they'll get me back up in a hurry.
Damn! says Gaius. But good news, however! Look at these! Spider eggs.
He unfolds them.
Wicked, says Sweezus. Almost as good as real spiders.
Better, says Gaius. As long as...hmm... I need to identify them, of course. There are many different types of spider eggs.
With different spiders inside, says the Pesquet.
Of course, says Gaius, coldly. What I meant was there are different egg types, round ball, disc, squishy, fluffy and spiky.
How do I eat this? asks Terence, confronting his Pear.
Head first, says the Pesquet.
He dives at the Prickly Pear and bursts it open.
You know what? says Sweezus. They make Prickly Pear Ice Cream, on Tenerife.
So what? says Terence.
That's what this is, says Sweezus. A Prickly Pear.
Why is everybody so smart? Why does everybody KNOW everything?
Terence sticks out his little cement tongue. Licks the red pear juice.
Mm. Bubblegum and watermelon. Yum.
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